All language subtitles for Benidorm.S08E04.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES.eng

Good morning, son.

Yes, Mother, it certainly is.

Oh, you got your flip-top back?

- Laptop.
- That's it.

Got it back last night
after our games night.

Did that young lad
manage to fix it for you?

Yeah, I found out last night
I'd picked up a virus.

Me inbox had been hacked to bits.

Oh, son, what have I told you
about going into that old town?

No, a computer virus.

Anyway, my name has been cleared
and I am in receipt of a full apology.

Oh, that's nice.

An email from Barry Stent,
aka The Grand Wizard.

"Dear Mr Maltby,

"After careful consideration
of the facts..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah,

here we go...

"It is my very great pleasure
to clear you of all wrongdoing

"and reinstate you
with the Quiz Master title,

"second only to The Grand Wizard.

"Congratulations, brother,
you are, once again,

"The Oracle."

Oh, well done, son. I am pleased.

Justice has prevailed, Mother.

Smashing. Are you gonna
have a bit of breakfast?

You know, when they asked Nelson Mandela
about his time in prison,

and he said, "I went on a long
holiday for 27 years."

I think I know what he meant.

We're only booked in 'til Friday, love.

No. What I mean is...

- Begging your pardon.
- Oh, Pauline, love, what is that smell?

Drain cleaner.

I had a slight contretemps
with the bidet this morning.

Mistook it for the lavatory.

In the long run, I think you'll find
Mr Wu's take away

is not the bargain
the price would initially suggest.

Pauline, are you feeling okay?

You look like you've gone 12 rounds
with Frank Bruno.

- Twelve rounds of tequila, more like.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I am merely suffering
from a mild bout of hay fever.

Hey.

There is no self-service for alcohol.

- I beg your pardon?
- I see you taking spirits.

The bar is not open
until after breakfast.

If you need alcohol
so early in the morning,

the supermarket is open
for the alco-frolics at 8:00 a.m.

How dare you?

I have been by as a drone
for the last 18 months.

You have your warning.

Oh, Pauline, and you were doing so well.

Okay, I won't keep you long.

Crystal Hennessey-Vass,
in all her infinite wisdom,

has decided that wristbands
are a thing of the past.

So, as of today, we'll be
rolling out a new system

of bar-coded ID cards,

just like this one here.

So, is there anyone present
who is au fait

with this latest technology?

What is a fey?

- No idea.
- Anyone good with computers?

Do you want me to get
on the blower to Baby Jesus?

Do you remember?
It was him who showed me

how to use the hotel computer.

Erm, how old is he again?

Nine.

I think not. You can stay behind, Les.

Let's hope Baby Jesus taught you well.

- Amber, you're on posters and leaflets.
- Of course. No problem.

The rest of you be sure
to explain the situation delicately.

Our guests do not like change.

We once tried to introduce
a fair-use policy on alcohol.

It was like the Brixton riots.

Okay, vamoose!

- Morning, campers!
- Late night, Kenneth?

No, it was a very early one.

After I woke up in Neptune's

I went to The Intimate Bar
in the old town for some karaoke.

They worry about me if I don't give them

my little white bull
at least once a week.

I was in bed by 3:00.

So you're ready
for a full day in the salon?

New start after our little disagreement?

- Absolutely.
- Well, you can't.

What?

The Spanish workmen have let me down
and the salon isn't ready.

I told you.

The only deadline them Spanish builders
will work to is mañana.

Because you know about mañana,
it never comes.

Donald and I once knew
a Spanish builder like that.

I had to hire a wheelchair.

So anyway, looks like
you've got another day off.

Oh, no, not me, love,
I'm like a coiled spring.

Why don't we put the nail bar out here?

- Do what?
- Next to the pool?

I suggested it once to Liam,
but with his fair skin,

more than 20 minutes in the sun

and he ends up looking like
Carrie on prom night.

Right,

if I'm going to do a full day's work

I'd better bulk up on carbs.

More toast.

Do you have any idea
how this game works, then?

Not a clue, mate.

All I know is the prawns move sideways.

Right. Is she even looking?

Yeah, she's coming!

Okay, do what I do.

Ahem. Nice try, Joseph.

Not this time, though, my old friend.

- Nice try, Joseph. Not this time...
- No, you dickhead,

just answer me!

Ahem.

Yes, sorry about that, Joseph,

I thought that strong opening
would fox you.

Yeah, geez, I tried to jump your prawn,

but you was, like,
"Boom, take that, bitch!"

Yes, you'll have to wake up
pretty early in the morning

to sneak that manoeuvre
past me, old boy.

Yeah, bruv, you were like totally owning
me. I got to step my shit up, innit?

I think you could say that.

Hello, boys.

Oh, wow, playing chess? I love it.

Now if I can just avoid your fox

and get my horsey to eat your prawn,

I think it might be time
to get the checkmate!

Here's a leaflet about new ID cards.

If you need any help reading it,
let me know.

What, bruv?

What?

I can't hear you.

He wants you
to apologise for last night.

Apologise for what?

Making a swift recovery?

I didn't realise good health
were a crime.

Good health?
One minute you're on death's door,

the next you're being thrown
from a bucking bronco

with a liver full of tequila.

Very good for cauterising pain, alcohol.

Anyway, if I hadn't gone
on the bucking bronco,

I wouldn't have won these, would I?

Champagne brunch for two
at the Three Seasons.

You went on a bucking bronco?

Aye, and I won.

Well, in fairness,
it was the over-65 category.

The only other one
was this old Spanish lass.

I tried to warn her
against going on a bucking bronco

with a colostomy bag,
but she were having none of it.

What kind of bag, Grandad?

Well, basically, it's a great, big

- bag of sh...
- Never mind, darling.

Anyway, I thought these
might be a way of making up for

slightly exaggerating me illness.

- Thanks, Dad, that's really kind.
- No worries, kid.

Rob, Jodie, have a great time.

Dad!

I'm only messing with you!

Oh, come on, Sheron, love.

I'll look after the kids.

I've just had my breakfast, thank you.

Come on, it'll be nice.

Worth it just for the champagne.

Go on, Mum, we'll be all right.

It's not all greasy bacon and eggs
like this place,

they do fruit and all that diet stuff
that you like.

Me mother's upset
that you've started drinking again.

What are you talking about?

This is pineapple juice.

Nature's candy.

You're smashed out of your head.

How dare you?

It's merely the time of year,
my sinuses are blocked.

- Give us that, here.
- What are you doing?

- It's no good for you.
- Get off,

- it's part of my five-a-day!
- Look, just give us it, here!

You're spilling it!

Ah, perfect timing, my good man.

One more pineapple juice

and another portion
of your splendid nuts.

So, after you've checked
their room number and their passport,

you input their name here

and you take their photo
with this desk-mounted camera.

You see? Simple.

Easy, an idiot could do it.

Well, that was the general idea.

But make sure the photo
is exactly like this one.

No looking off to the side,

no cutting off the top of the head
or one of their numerous chins.

It must be framed exactly like this one.

- Understood.
- Marvellous. See you later.

Mrs Temple Savage, I can't do this now.

I'm due a few hours off.

- I beg your pardon?
- You agreed to it last week.

For personal reasons.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Les,

but we're short-staffed as it is

and I've got a meeting
with my financial advisor.

Anyway, it's not in the book.

I know, I asked you
to put it in the book,

- but you said, don't bother.
- Really?

Yes, I remember because you said
your mind is like a Thai prison.

Once something goes in,
it never comes out.

No, I'm sorry, Les.
We're run off our feet.

Mrs Temple Savage,
I wouldn't normally insist,

but I'm actually having
laser eye surgery.

The old peepers
aren't what they used to be,

and it's all booked in.

What happened to you?

Just another day
in the bin of the loonies.

I'm sorry, Les,
there's nothing I can do.

The rules are there for a reason.

Without them, we descend into chaos,

you must see that.

I can hardly see anything,
that's why I booked the appointment!

- Hey, Mateo, have you got a minute?
- What do you want?

Let me teach you how to use this, quick.

Well, hey, there!

Well, hey, there, yourself!
What can I get you?

I'd like one tequila sunrise.

Don't you think
you're a bit young for tequila?

Oh, it ain't for me,

I wanna surprise my granddaddy
with it, over there.

Excuse me, my dear,

when you have a moment, you pop
a small large vodka in there, will you?

No ice.

Well, excuse me!
You might have noticed there is a line.

Oh, so sorry, madam. Please. After you.

I'm sorry, darling,
but I can't serve you.

You're just
too itty-bitty small for alcohol.

I beg your pardon?

Yeah, I'll serve you in just one second.

I'm not talking about my drink,

I refer to your appalling,
bare-faced racism.

Racism?

Our diminutive American cousin
may be a dwarf,

but that doesn't exclude her
from enjoying her holiday.

- I ain't no dwarf!
- Sorry.

'Course. Midget.

Tell me,

did you have many relatives in
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?

I ain't no dwarf or no midget,
I'm just a little person.

Exactly. You're a person.

And I will not stand by
and have you discriminated against

by Miss Tits & Teeth, 1993, here.

- You do realise she's not actually...
- No, young lady.

It is you who doesn't realise.

Now, two very small
large vodka and pineapples

or I'll have your badge.

I'm Pauline, by the way.

Charmed. I'm Jodie.

So nice to meet a kindred spirit.

I don't know if you've noticed,

but there is quite an odd element
in the local clientele.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Exactly, I couldn't have
put it better myself.

By the way, you're going to need
to exchange your wristbands

for an ID Card in reception,
if that's okay?

Oh, quit your jibber-jabber.

To coin an old Chaucerian saying,

"Lady, you're really beginning
to get on my tits."

Yes, please?

Please, take a seat.

Tell me, from which part
of the new world do you hail?

So, the main thing is

to get the photo exactly like this one.

Okay, no problem.

So, where are you going?

Oh, didn't I tell you?
I'm booked in for an operation.

- Operation?
- Corrective surgery.

Really?

Oh, yeah. I've always
wanted to get it done.

I can't go on like this.

Does Liam know you are doing this?

He was the one who suggested it.

Madre mia!

And you will be away for a long time?

No, you're in and out these days, pal.
I'll be back in a couple of hours.

- How can this be?
- They use a laser.

- A laser?
- Aye, they're quick, painless.

Whoa!

Just like that,

and your life changes forever.

Exactly, 1,500 euros

and I'll be seeing things clearly
for the first time in years.

So, I'm all right to get off, then?

Of course. Anything you need.

- I am here for you.
- Ah, thanks, pal.

You're a mate.

Goodbye, Les.

And tonight you will be Lesley, yes?

I reckon so.

And I will love you
just as much, brother.

I mean, sister.

Aye, champ.

I'll see you later.

Now that is a crime.

Excuse me?

A beautiful woman sitting all on her own

with nothing
but the Spanish sun for company.

My friends are here, they're just a bit
busy at the moment.

Well, why don't I sit and keep you
company until they come back, eh?

Oh...

Are you all right? I can leave you
in peace if you want?

No, I'm sorry.

It's just, that was my husband's sunbed.

Bloody hell, you could have said.

No, I meant, when
we used to come here together.

He recently passed away.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, love.

Still, I bet the last thing he'd want
is for you to be lonely.

Yeah, you're right there.

I bet he's looking down on you now,

seeing you with a handsome fella
next to you,

with a big smile on his face.

Yeah.

To be honest, that's what he liked to do
when he was alive.

Excuse me, guys.

Just need to ask you to make your way
to reception at some point today

for new ID cards, if that's okay?

No problem, darling.

Hello?

Shop?

One and a half
very thirsty people over here.

When you have a moment, obviously.

Are you absolutely sure she's drunk?

Mother, she's on the bar
doing the breast stroke.

I think she's just a bit giddy
about the hot weather.

Don't be fooled, Mother.

It may be sunny now,
but there's a storm on its way.

And this one is the bishop.

- He can move any number of squares...
- Like the queen!

No, any number of squares diagonally...

- Like the queen!
- No.

Let him finish, man!

Any number of squares diagonally,
but he can't jump over other pieces.

Okay, so how come the king,
who is, like, the king,

can only move one space?

Is he, like, disabled?

Because, mate, if you ask me,

he's no better off than a prawn,
and that can't be right.

Hey, Jodie, you all right?

Yeah, can I get my nails done?

They said they'd do it for free,

but I have to ask me mum,
but she's not here.

I reckon so. Is me Grandad
looking after you?

Yeah... I've been talking to Pauline.

Cool, when you've had your nails done,
make sure you go back to Grandad.

All right.

Okay, so how do you remember
which thing does what?

Look, it's probably easier
if we have a game

and you can learn it as you go along.

Nice one, bruv,
do you want to play for money?

Okay, next one, please, keep it moving.

Oh, it's you.

Now, I would like one very small
large vodka and pineapple juice,

- half a lager and...
- Wait.

- This is not a bar.
- What do you mean it's not a bar?

What the Dickens
are all these people queueing for?

No!

No! Give it back, I say!

Shut up, you, crazy woman.
This is instead of your wristband.

Oh.

I do beg your pardon.

What is your room number?

- Sorry?
- What is your room number?

Now, just a moment,

I may have had one or two sherbets,

but you won't find me easy pickings.

I just need your room number.

You're quite persistent, aren't you?

Room 625.

Any time after midnight.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- See how thoughtful me dad is?
- Hmm...

He's just a bit eccentric.
He always has been.

Yeah, that's the word, eccentric.

I know he puts on a brave face,
but this divorce has hit him hard.

Can you imagine starting a new life
when you're nearly 70?

He's not nearly 70, he's 66.

That's not far off.

It's very far off.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just like 47 is miles away from fi...

The next big number.
You don't have to say it.

Hey, hey, don't be shy.

You know my feelings about being
with a slightly more mature woman.

Do you want to drink the rest
of that champagne or wear it?

Right. Let's finish this then have
a walk up the prom.

I wanna see about getting you
one of them mobility scooters.

I'm joking, I'm joking!

Gracias.

Oh, champagne?

Are we celebrating?

Yes, of course, Joyce.

We have to toast to your new home.

Oh, Monty.

I didn't mention it when I left
a message on your phone, but...

- I didn't get it.
- Oh.

I think they'll take the champagne back
if you haven't touched it.

Don't worry about that.

It came free with a voucher
I won a few nights ago.

That was clever of you.

Not really, I've still got
the bruises to prove it.

Bruises?

Never mind.

Well, that was a bit of a waste,

me pulling all those strings
to get your mortgage increased.

Well, maybe not,

I've also come into a bit of money.

Oh, really?

Fifteen thousand euros.

Fifteen thousand euros?

Oh, Joyce, you're not back
on the scratch cards again, are you?

No, of course not.
So, what I was thinking was,

with the 15,000
and the 150,000 mortgage,

I can afford one of your villas.

My villas?

Well, yeah, the, erm...

Where is it? The leaflet
that you gave me a few weeks ago.

Oh.

Oh, those.

I thought we could go and see them
'cause I don't have to be back

at the Solana for a couple of hours.

Joyce, can I be frank with you?

Of course you can be frank.

These are not the sort of houses
that you sell to a friend.

- Oh.
- And I do count you as a friend, Joyce.

So do I, Frank... Er, Monty.

A friend I'd like to...
Get to know more.

How much more?

Well, it's been a slow burn,

but, er, I realised it this morning,

every time we're about to meet,
the signs are all there.

The best tie comes out of the drawer,

the careful trimming
of the moustache in the mirror,

an extra squirt of Hai Karate.

Extra squirt of what?

It's an after shave.

Oh. So,

you're asking me on a date?

That's right,

I'm asking you to go on a date.

My answer is yes, Monty.
I'd love to go on a date with you.

Ha! Wonderful.

Something I didn't
mention because I'm not one to gloat,

but I am a gold card-holder

for Mr Wu's Buffet
just off the Mediterraneo.

Oh.

Well, we could meet at the Solana
and decide from there.

Yes, of course.

I mean, a woman of your breeding
deserves the very best.

A la carte at Mr Wu's.

Oh, yes.

Chips and rice tonight, Joyce.

Chips and rice!

Hey, Mateo.
How's the ID card thing going?

Everything is under the control.

It is all about relegation.

You mean delegation?

Is what I'm saying.

Another very small
large vodka and pineapple juice,

if you please.

I do not understand,
all of this is just more work.

It's quite clever.

It keeps track of who's eating
and drinking what.

Also means we don't
have to stock-take either.

If we're running low on something,
it just flashes up.

Look.

Can I just borrow your card?

I may as well have a very small...

Very small large Baileys
while you're at it.

I've developed quite
a sweet tooth today, for some reason.

And now we press enter,

and it should tell how us many drinks
the guest has had today.

Ooh, 842.

- Skol!
- Well, that can't be right.

It says here she has had 842 drinks.

Don't forget,
I had quite a large breakfast.

Show me the card.

Why does her card
have a picture of Joyce on it?

- This is correct, no?
- No.

Excuse me, can I just
have a look at your cards?

Mateo, they all have Joyce on them.

Okay, listen.

Before Les went for his sex-change,
he say,

"Mateo, print the cards
exactly like this one."

You can ask him when he gets back.

I mean, you can ask her
when she gets back.

Oh, my God...

You didn't know about his operation?

It was a shock for me, too.

Then that were it,

40 years marriage down the drain.

Oh, I am sorry.

Yes, I admit, I was wrong to stray,

but a man has his needs,
if you don't mind me saying so.

Oh, no, you can say
what you like with me.

And then as Mary got older,

well, just let's say
her appetite diminished.

And she didn't exactly start off
starving hungry.

I've always thought of sex
as a dinner party.

As long as all the guests are invited,

you can go ahead and make
a right old pig of yourself.

- Hmm.
- Eddie,

can I have a squirt of your cream?

Ooh, I feel like a sausage
that hasn't been pricked.

- You what?
- Me back.

I'm burning up.

Oh, aye. Do you want
me to do it for you?

Oh, yes!

Right, Jungle Red, here we go.

Oh, my God,
check the date on that bottle.

I've never smelt a polish so strong.

I haven't opened it yet.

Oh, oh, my God.

I was thinking, Jodie,

two young, single women like ourselves,

maybe we should hit the town later?

Well, I'm here with my mum,
so I would have to ask her.

Tell me, is your mother
a short person as well?

I mean, does it run in the family?

Like being ginger?

Can you keep
your hands still, please.

The look we're going for
is '50s glamour,

not like you've been gutting a rabbit.

My mum's really tall.

Say that again.

My mum's really tall.

Do you know it's fascinating,

but you've slipped out
of your American accent.

Oddly enough, I was in South Africa
and picked up a twang there.

It's ebbed away the last few years,
thank God.

Do you know,

at times, I sounded almost toffee-nosed?

Can you believe that?

Ah, perfect timing.

Same again for me, and my little friend
here will have a margarita.

For tonight, we hit the town.

I'm sorry. We're not
serving you any more.

I thought this was supposed
to be all inclusive?

We're not serving you any more alcohol.

Fine.

Then just two very large margaritas
for my good friend Jodie.

She hasn't had
half the alcohol I've had.

- I beg your pardon?
- I can assure you

this young lady's been served
no alcohol, whatsoever.

I've been drinking all afternoon
with this splendid woman

and I can assure you
she's been knocking back the vodkas

like a Russian soldier.

What?

She can drink as well as the next man,

as long as the next man
is Paul Gascoigne.

What is going on here?

Hiya, what was your
champagne brunch like?

I'll champagne brunch you in a minute!

- Where's your grandad?
- Um.

Are you Jodie's mother?

She said you were very tall.

Who the frigging hell are you?

I'm Jodie's new drinking partner.

We've had quite the day,
haven't we, darling?

Oh, Pauline.

Come on, let's get you inside.

It's gonna be all right,
everything's gonna be all right.

Don't my nails look pretty, Mummy?

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you
for coming to this intervention

for my sister Pauline,

- who is an alcoholic.
- Not true!

Pauline, it's okay.

It's time to face your demons.

No, I mean, I'm not your sister, am I?

Technically speaking.

Oh, right. What,
you bringing that up now?

Come on, Pauline, love, play nice.

We're trying to help you.

Not being funny, pal,
but what's this got to do with us?

An important part of the process
is Pauline apologising

to the people she's hurt.

So, I'd like to ask Sheron

if she'd air some
of her grievances, please?

Right, I'm going to try and stay calm.

Basically, I go out for two hours
and I come back

to find my 7-year-old daughter
sitting with this lunatic

drinking vodka through a curly straw.

In my defence, I did think
your daughter was a midget.

- What?
- Sorry. I mean, "little person".

Hang on, we've established
Jodie wasn't served alcohol at any time.

Yeah, don't you think
you're taking this a bit seriously?

Seriously?
Of course I'm taking it seriously!

I ask you to look after my child
for one morning, Eddie,

anything could have happened!

Okay, folks, we're here for Pauline...

I'm not here for Pauline.
I'm here to find out

exactly what happened
to my daughter while I was away.

Away having a champagne brunch.

Aha! Now we're getting somewhere.

What's that go to do with anything?

Let he who is without sin
cast the first stone.

- You what? Listen you!
- Sheron, just sit down!

Guys, guys! I think we're getting
a bit side-tracked.

Maybe we should try
to speak one at a time.

Yep.

We'll use this as a talking stick.

Pauline, I think you should go first.

What's this?

We're using it as a talking stick.

No, I can't hear anything.

- Oh, this is ridiculous!
- Sorry to interrupt, love,

I'm only here to find out
who's paying for her nails.

I'm going, this woman has wasted
enough of my time already.

Sorry.

Right. Who wants a beer?

We can't have alcohol.

This is supposed to be an intervention.

Mum?

Mum!

Oh, I'm sorry, love,
I was just resting me eyes.

They're ordering drinks from the bar.

Oh, right. I'll have a sherry, please.

- Nice and dry.
- Okay, love.

Everything ship-shape
and Bristol fashion?

- Just another regular day.
- Very good.

Are all the ID cards working?

The ID cards have been distributed.

Wonderful. I knew you'd be okay.

Amber, I've been speaking to Head Office

about the possibility
of an assistant manager's position.

How does that sound?

Oh, wow, that sounds great. Thank you.

I know you've only just joined us,

but I like to think
that I have an eye for talent.

Chips and rice, Amber,

chips and rice.

There we go, darling.
Snug as a bug in a rug.

Oh, Pauline, we are worried
about you, you know?

Big fuss over nothing.

It's okay to have a cold beer
with your lunch

and a glass of wine with your tea,

and who doesn't like
a bloody Mary with breakfast?

But when you're getting through
a couple of bottles of mouth wash

to get you out of bed in the morning,

you've gone too far.

But, Mummy, it makes
my breath so minty fresh.

I know it does, love.

And, believe me,

I can be an absolute pig
with the eggnog at Christmas,

but I just think we need
to get you some professional help.

Whatever you say.

And try to be nicer to Geoff,
for my sake if nothing else.

I know he's not your real brother,

but he cares about you.

That's not true.

It is, love. He cares about you so much.

No, I mean,

regardless of parentage,

he'll always be my brother.

Come on, son.

I'm sorry, but I don't see
how you have cause for complaint.

Don't you think you have
a responsibility

not to serve so much alcohol
to one person

they can't tell a 7-year-old child
from a midget?

Madam, this is Benidorm.

If we stopped serving alcohol
to everyone who was drunk,

my staff would be sitting
twiddling their thumbs all day.

You haven't heard the last of this.

Of course not, that would be madness.

I think we got away with that.

Maybe I should cancel my night off.

No!

I mean, why would you do that?
We've got everything under control here.

Where's Les?
I haven't seen him since I got back.

Um, we're a bit short-staffed
at the kids club today.

He's probably hanging up
his Dickie Doughnut costume as we speak.

Yes, and probably putting on another
equally ridiculous costume after that.

You okay?

Are you going anywhere
nice this evening?

Amber, I'm not stupid,
what are you trying to hide?

My darling Joyce...

Oh, my God! When did he get here?

There comes a time in every man's life

when he has to ask himself
what's really important.

And since I met you,
I find myself asking,

"Do I need a fast car,
a fancy apartment?

"Do I need the flashy jewellery
and the expensive clothes?"

And the answer to those questions is...

Yes, obviously.

But what's the point in having them

if I've got nobody to share them with?

I mean, naturally,

all those things can be enjoyed
by a single person. Of course they can.

Get on with it.

My point is this,

I've made some wrong choices in my life

and I've not always liked
the person I've turned out to be.

But you, Joyce,

you make me feel brand new.

Looking forward to a nice evening off,
Miss Temple Savage?

I hope this isn't gonna be
one of those dreary nights

full of people whining crappy old
love songs to each other.

Any more of this, I'm gonna have to
put me name down for Sweet Caroline.

Oh, not Sweet Caroline!

I know, Jacqueline,
awful song, but look,

we're at a breaking point.

If someone doesn't give this crowd
a chorus they can sing along to,

soon the peasants will be revolting.

I mean, more revolting
than they are already.

They're not all revolting.

Oh, yeah. What's the score
with you and Captain Birdseye?

Oh, just a bit of flirting.

Makes the world go around.

Grand total, 138 euros, 50 cents.

Just shows, a little innovation
can go a long way.

Oh, for God's sake, calm down, will you.

It was two plastic chairs
and an umbrella.

It wouldn't exactly get them jizzing
on Dragon's Den.

- What's this?
- Your cut.

From the pop-up nail bar.

And, Jacqueline,
as our sleeping partner,

I've sent a bottle of cava
up to your room,

I know you like a night cap.

Ooh, why don't we have another one here

and then all go up and drink a toast
to Blow and Go?

Ah, there's a lovely view
of the cross from my balcony.

Now that's what I call good business.

Hello?

I'm sorry, Crystal,
I can hardly hear you.

Yes, there is a terrible noise this end.

I'll call you from the office
in 10 minutes.

How do you mean, she doesn't know?

Every card has her face on it.

Look, the real responsible is here.

Ask him yourself,
I mean, ask her yourself.

Oh, I'm sorry I was so long.

I kind of misjudged the recovery time.

Lesley, I can't believe
you're back on your feet

so quickly after such a major operation.

Oh, it's like a conveyor belt
up there in Villajoyosa.

The doctor was telling me
he does about 20 patients a day.

And you have to go back for them
to do your voice, obviously.

Temple Savage hasn't missed me, has she?

No, we covered for you,
but we've still got to sort these out.

What's wrong?
Oh, you didn't mess them up, did you?

I told you to do them exactly like that!

And he did.

- What?
- It's all right, Joyce has tonight off

and she's not in until
tomorrow afternoon.

There's loads of blank cards left,

we can do them all again
tomorrow morning.

Did you keep the receipt
for your sex-change, Lesley?

I think they made one boobie
bigger than the other.

Sex-change?

What are you talking about, man?
I've had me eyes lasered.

Ya daft bugger.

I knew this operation
was for her eyes.

I mean, his eyes.

I am not a complete idiot.

Really? Which part's missing?

You made me feel brand new.

Forgive me, Joyce.

I couldn't help myself.

Monty, I said 8:00 in the text.
I still haven't got changed.

Well, I can wait here.

I've got a phone call
to make as well,

I'll be at least 45 minutes.

I've waited so long,
what's another 45 minutes?

Okay. If you want a drink, use this.

It's also my room key.

Come up in about an hour, we'll have
drinks on the balcony before we go out.

Room 1501.

Perfect.

Chips and rice tonight, Monty,

definitely chips and rice.

Look at them, all staring and sneering.

As if they've never had a member of
their family do anything embarrassing.

Well, at least we know
she's safely tucked up in bed,

away from those prying eyes.

Oh, it's all my fault.

I knew we should have gone
to Center Parcs.

You can't blame yourself, Mum.

All them meetings,

all that willpower gone for nothing.

Well, she may have strayed
from the path,

but I hope she finds her way back again.

As Pauline herself has said, many times,

it's a long, lonely journey
on the road to Domestos.

Damascus.

That's right, Crystal,

the new system was rolled out today
with no problems.

How many drinks?

Are you sure that's from one person?

Well, yes, they should be
immediately blacklisted

from all Solana group hotels.

Could you give me the ID number.
I'll track this hooligan down.

Although, to be honest, I've got
a very good idea who the culprit is.

Yes.

0-0-3-8-1-1-4-2.

Here we go.

Yes, I've found the culprit.

Yes, you're right,

absolute menace to society.

They'll be thrown out on their ear.

Okay.

Good night.

Right!

Let's get one thing straight.

My sister is no different
to any one of you lot here.

Look at yourselves.

Whispering and nudging.

"Yeah, that's the family
with the pisshead."

But when you point a finger at someone,

you've got three
pointing back at yourself.

Who can sit here and say

that they haven't got a relation
who's brought shame

and disappointment on the family?

Who can sit here and say they haven't
done the same thing themselves?

Isn't it about time
we looked at our mothers,

our children,

our brothers

and sister,

and started to love them
for who they are,

and not worry about what they look like?

Or for how they choose
to live their life?

Or how they try and cope
with whatever life throws at them?

Because no matter how frustrating

or embarrassing they might be,

we can't give up on them

because they are a part of us,

a part of our family.

Hit it, Darren.

So, all we ask from you
is a £5,000-deposit.

It really is too good a deal
to turn down.

Sorry, pal, I don't know about £5,000,
I'd be hard pushed to raise £500.

I know the feeling.

A bottle of lager
and an orange juice, please.

Where did you get that from?

A woman gave it to me.

- When did she give it to you?
- Today.

It gets you into the apartment as well.

But you're about 12.

I'm 20, mate, 21 in September.

Or is it October?

And do you intend on going up
to the apartment this evening?

Absolutely, I'll be sleeping
there tonight.

- What?
- Oh, yeah,

they don't call it "all inclusive"
for nothing, mate.

Bloody hell.

Same again, Jacqueline?

Ah, thanks, Lesley, just one more

then I've got a date upstairs

with a bottle of bubbly
and a couple of friends.

Hola.

Sod this for a game of soldiers.

Monty? Monty! I'm sorry,
we've got a bit of a crisis.

No, Joyce, I'm sorry.

I refuse to be just another notch
on your bed post.

- I beg your pardon?
- It's typical.

The one time I put my feelings
out there for everyone to see,

I get hurt and humiliated.

What are you talking about?

I thought you were coming up
to have drinks on my balcony?

From what I've seen,
there might not be any room for me,

I'd get a turnstile fitted
if I were you.

Monty! Monty!

Love you, Pauline.

Sleep tight, sister!

Yee-haw!