All language subtitles for Benidorm.S08E03.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES.eng

You all right, mate?

Yeah, yeah.

Just keeping a low profile
after last night.

Mate, that's upside down.

That doesn't matter.

I just don't want this lot knowing
it was me taking my clothes off

during the karaoke last night.

Oh, hello, I didn't recognise you
with your clothes on!

Oh, man, they all know it was me!

Incredible, and I thought
your disguise was fool proof.

Mate, I've got an idea.

- Really?
- Yeah.

As we ain't getting busy
with the ladies here,

why don't we spread
our legs a bit further?

- I'm sorry?
- Somebody told me

that even though
it's all inclusive here,

you are allowed to leave!

Really?

Oh, well, they kept that one quiet.

I know, they should have a sign.

Anyway, I was thinking, we're in Spain,
let's get us some Spanish girls!

I like it! A couple of senoritas?

Well, we don't know what their names
are yet, obviously, but yeah.

Come on, let's bounce!

No, I'm terribly sorry,

the property auction
has been relocated.

You need the Hotel Casanova
in the old town.

Buses just across the road.

That's it, back out the way you came,

thank you very much,
have a wonderful day.

Well, thanks a lot!

I beg your pardon, Les?

You could have told me
the property auction had moved.

I nearly busted a gut this morning

putting all them chairs out
in the Hawaiian Function Room.

No, the auction is still here.

I don't understand.

I'm afraid that is what's known
in the property business

as a white lie.

I noticed they were carrying a brochure

for a certain bijou villa
in the Finestrat Hills.

My villa!

I can't believe it,
I had a dream the other week

I had a house and this was it.

You're gonna buy a hoos?

A horse? No, it doesn't have a horse.

Nah, man. You're buyin' a hoos.
To live in!

- Oh, a house!
- That's what I'm saying.

You really must try harder
with the language, Les.

At least with the Spanish staff.
I've got a phrase book.

Somewhere.

Excuse me, can you help me?

Yes?

There doesn't seem
to be any free sun beds.

You are just one person?

Well, I've got a twin sister in Widnes,
if that's what you mean.

How many sun beds do you want?

Well, three would be nice,
I have both my children with me.

Although they'll probably be
in and out of the pool all day.

You know what kids are like.

You can't tell people
you're a vegetarian if you eat fish!

I can tell them I'm an astronaut
if the mood takes me.

You're a pescatarian.

I haven't had a drink in 18 months.

Pescatarian means
you eat fish and vegetables.

You can't tell people
you're a vegetarian when you eat fish!

It's strange you keep saying that
as if I'm actually listening.

Hey, hey, you are making too much noise!

She started it.

- No, you started it.
- No, you started it.

No, you started it.

Hey! This is not a kindergarten
for the people of the middle ages.

Middle Ages?

I think he means middle-aged.

- How dare you?
- Middle aged?

- I'm nowhere near middle-aged.
- Enough!

Do not fight like children. You are old.

I am keeping my eyes peeled on you.

Honestly,

I can't take you two anywhere.

Oh, my God!

- I've been burgled.
- Eh?

- What's wrong?
- The salon.

They've taken everything.
I feel violated!

- Ooh!
- You've not been burgled.

I have! Go and look for yourself!

I got rid of it all.

They've taken the mirrors,
the chairs, they've...

You what?

We're re-branding.

You've got rid
of all my salon furniture?

Don't worry, we've got new stuff
coming this afternoon.

This afternoon? Are you taking the piss?
You're in Spain!

It takes a fortnight for someone
to answer the phone!

Re-branding, that's exciting!

Well, it would be if I'd been consulted.

I'm giving the salon
a new lease of life.

Blow and Go does not need
a new lease of life.

That's another thing,
we need a new name.

What? Never!

You can change my mirrors,
but you'll never change my name.

I like Blow and Go,

it's what we used to call
the meet-and-greet

at The Middlesbrough
Swingers Association.

I'm paying the rent now, Kenneth,
I think I should have a say in it.

Oh, here we go!

That's what all this boils down to,
the dirty dollar!

Or, as an alternative, you pay the rent,

the electricity, the water, the rates,
the wholesalers bill

and we'll stick with Blow and Go.

I'm not happy about this!

Could have fooled me.

I've just got one thing to say.

We're still here.

Without wanting to sound too dramatic...

I don't want to die on me own.

Right, was there anything else?

What I mean is,
I don't think I've got long left

and I really would like
to spend me final days

surrounded by love and appreciation.

- Where are you planning on going?
- Sheron!

Oh, well, it's the same thing
over and over again!

- What's that?
- I tried to get separate insurance

for this holiday.

I didn't want to be a burden to you.

Well, they asked me
for a note from me doctor

and that's what he gave me.

You need to be spending your money
on getting drunk and straw donkeys,

not flying a body bag back to the UK.

Is this real?

I'm afraid so.

"To whom it may concern,

"As Mr Edward Dawson's GP,

"I have no hesitation
in recommending the above named

"is not only unsuitable to fly

"but with a heart condition such as his,

"any strenuous activity

"or unnecessary stress
may result in irreparable damage

"or worse."

I'll go and get us some drinks.

I'll go.

God help you if this is isn't true.

Good day to you, ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Evelyn Pyke.

I'll be your auctioneer today.

We have a fair amount
of lots to get through,

so let's start with this little gem.

A very agreeable modern villa
in the Polop valley.

Who'll start me at 100?

100, thank you, do I hear 110?

You got your eye on anything special?

Well, I must say the auctioneer
has a certain dignified air about him.

I meant the auction.

Oh, I do beg your pardon,

I'm sorry, I thought you meant...

No. Well, yes,

but I'd rather not discuss it
if it's all the same to you.

I understand.

You keep your cards
close to your chest, yes?

Exactly.

Mmm, lucky cards!

That's what I say!

Any more anywhere?

170.

Madam, against you.

People call me Mr Wu.

Yes, I can see why, quite the charmer.

No! Not woo, double-o.

Wu with a u.

You know, after Mr Wu Chinese Buffet,
near the beach.

Oh! You're Mr Wu?

- Exactly.
- Oh, I see, oh, right.

Nice to meet you, Mr Wu.

I'm Joyce Temple Savage,
manageress of the Solana.

Pleased to meet you, Joyce.

Tell me, are you a virgin?

You're joking.
I've been around the block

more times than a lost jogger.

Auction virgin.
It look like your first time.

Oh, yes, it is.

I haven't got a clue what's going on.

This is the property you're
interested in?

Oh, yes, it's just a small finca
near the Finestrat Hills.

It doesn't look much,
but I feel it's got huge potential.

- What do you think?
- Wow.

Guide price of 80,000 to 100,000.

That is cheap as Chinese chips!

Well, I have quite a limited budget.

Do you think it'll go higher
than 100,000?

In a word, no.

Oh, wonderful.

Unless somebody else want it as well.
Then, in another word, yes.

Thank you, madam, any more?

- 140...
- Well, it's nice to know

I'm sitting with an expert.

140.

Here you go, this is it.

It looks a bit rough.

Ah, I came here a couple
of years ago with a mate.

The Spanish girls in there are fit!

Well, I suppose we ain't got
much competition,

- Look at the blokes.
- Exactly!

- Come on, amigo!
- Oh, can I choose my own name?

- Eh?
- It's just I don't really like

the name, Migo.

Can I be called Dogtanian?
From Dogtanian and the Muskehounds?

Mate, what are you talking about?

I thought we had to have Spanish names?

No. Come on.

Can I still be called Dogtanian?

No!

Oggy oggy oggy, oi oi oi!

Considering we are in Spain,

does it not bother you that
there is nothing remotely Spanish

about this holiday?

Well, we've got the Spanish sun.

That's the same sun we get in the UK.

No, it's not, it's hotter.

But the sun is not Spanish.

Well, why do they call it
the Spanish sun?

Because it's in Spain.

Well, there you are,
it must be Spanish then.

But your shoes are in Spain,
it doesn't make them Spanish.

- Yes, it does.
- No, it doesn't.

Your shoes are not Spanish
by virtue of them being in Spain.

I know they're not,

they're Spanish because I bought them
in the indoor market last year.

- One-nil!
- I don't believe it.

It's true, I nipped out for half an hour
while you got rubella.

I've been sacked!

How can you be sacked?
You don't have a job.

Email from Barry Stent.

Who's Barry Stent?

Well, if you shut up
I'll to tell you about it!

There's no need to bite me head off.

How can anyone sack you
from a job you don't have?

Well, if you all just listen to me,
you'll find out!

Was it these shoes I got here?

Or am I thinking of those jelly sandals?

Mother!

"Dear Mr Maltby,

"We have finally amassed
adequate information

"regarding the alleged
predetermined results

"of last month's
inter-county pub quiz final.

"It is our duty to inform you
that forensic evidence

"has led to only one
possible transgressor, you.

"From this day henceforth, you are
relieved of all your official duties

"and stripped of your 'Oracle' status.

"Please find our full and in-depth
investigation attached.

"Be aware, there is no recourse

"and this decision
is final and binding."

It was these shoes I got here,
because I got a bag to match.

Will you shut up
about your bloody shoes?

I've been accused of match rigging!

There's a trip to a bull fight,
but it says here on TripAdvisor

it's just a front to try and sell
juice extractors.

What is the point
of talking to either of you?

I once went on a free trip from here

where they showed you
how to fold a Spanish blanket.

- That all right?
- Ah. That's smashing. Thanks, son.

Would you prefer a pillow?

Try it over his face.

- Huh?
- Nothing, love.

It's grand.

Thanks, son.

Why would Grandad want
the pillow over his...

Jodie! Do you want to play on me phone?

- Can I?
- Yeah, here you are.

And next, ladies and gentlemen,
we have lot 14.

A delightful finca in the Finestrat area
with enormous potential.

Shall we open the bidding at 80,000?

Hey! What you think you doing?

Well, if I don't bid, I can't get it.

Wait. Price not quite right...

Come, come, ladies and gentlemen,
we're here to sell.

Okay, somebody start me at 70,000.

Price not quite right.

60,000?

Price not quite right.

Okay, you're a tough crowd,
but I like you,

so let's get the ball rolling
at 50,000 Euros.

- 50,000, here!
- 50,000, thank you, sir.

Do I hear 55?

What on Earth are you doing?

- Price is right!
- 55,000 anywhere?

You don't want to buy this!

If there is a profit, Mr Wu interested.

Going once at 50,000,
this is no money at all.

- 70,000!
- 70,000!

That's the spirit, madam! Do I hear 75?

What you doing?
We supposed to go up in fives.

This is my dream house,
you're not having it.

Check yourself
before you wreck yourself, Joyce,

and leave this to the professionals.

80,000!

Okay, now you bidding against yourself.

The bid is already with you,
madam, at 70,000.

Do I hear 80?

- 80,000!
- 90!

100,000!

Okay, price too high now.

100,000 euros, do I hear 110?

I've only got a mortgage for 100,000!

Fair warning. I'm selling at 100,000

to the lady
on the gold mobility scooter.

Going once, going twice, and...

Sold!

Number, please?

Thank you, madam.

And moving on to lot 15,

the restaurant in Finestrat
is withdrawn.

- So we go onto lot 16.
- Withdrawn?

You got to be joking!
That's what I came to bid on!

Good, I'm glad!

And I for one will never touch
your pork balls again.

I hope you're happy!

Delighted.

Mate, do you know
your Wi-Fi is down again?

You hum it
and I'll play it, son!

- What?
- It's a joke.

Yeah, it is a joke, the brochure says
there's Wi-Fi in all public areas.

- No, what I mean is...
- You need Wi-Fi, mate?

- Yeah.
- Do you mind?

Be my guest.

I try and steer clear
of computers, meself.

- Very wise.
- Yeah,

I did a bit of Internet dating
a few year ago

but, well, let's just say
it didn't work out.

Yes, pet?

There you go, most of these
surrounding hotel's Wi-Fi

- are pretty easy to crack, so...
- Oh, nice one.

No worries.

Listen, you've got a bit of a time delay
on your keyboard.

Yeah, it's been doing that for months.

I think it's just a bit old.

No, mate, I don't think so.

I reckon you've downloaded
some pretty nasty malware

somewhere along the line.

You got to be joking! I knew it!

You get most of them off those
so called free porn sites.

Erm...

No, no, it won't be that,
this is strictly a work laptop.

- Want me to have a look?
- Erm...

No, I think it'll be all right.

Well, if you can afford a new laptop.

What?

It'll only get worse.

Really?

Would you mind having a look?

Not at all, it'll give
me something to do.

There's only so much swimming
and sunbathing you can do in a day.

Listen, I'm not the only person
to use this laptop, so...

You know, it's not all my stuff on it...

Don't worry, mate, I clean me grandad's
hard disc from time to time,

and I do that with rubber gloves
and a surgical mask.

- Do you?
- No, it's a joke.

I'll give you a shout when I'm done.

Yeah, cheers.

Large vodka and coke, please.

- Very large.
- Nee bother.

Well, I think it's exciting.
A fresh start.

What was wrong with the old mirrors?
These are terrible, they're all wonky.

Look at this one, I look enormous in it.

Maybe because they're a bit smaller
you just fill it out a bit more.

He's a control freak, that's what he is.

No, I just don't see this working.
I much prefer being me own boss.

But now you have to pay
rent on the salon and all the bills.

If you go it alone
without Troy's backing,

I'm not being funny, you might
actually have to do some work.

Oh, damn you and your logic.

- Where are the workmen?
- They went for their siesta.

Welcome to Spain.

We'll soon see about that,
the amount I'm paying them.

Have you been shopping?

- New uniforms.
- What?

Black trousers and black silk shirt.
Very chic.

Black trousers and black shirt?

I'm a hair dresser,
not a frigging mime act.

We've got to bring the salon
into the 21 st century.

Talking of which,
how about "Hair by Troy"?

- For the new name?
- Right, I'm off!

- Hang on, I've not finished!
- Well, I am!

I'm finished with your shite mirrors,

and your rubbish name
and your crappy uniforms.

Good luck with your business venture
because, without me, you'll need it!

Oh, mate, you gotta go through there.

What? Are the loos really nice?

No, I mean the girls.
They are a different breed out here.

Really?

I thought you were
getting the drinks in?

I tried to order,
but it didn't go very well.

- What do you mean?
- This is the one!

He call me a dog,
then asked for a threesome.

- What?
- I didn't! I didn't!

I asked for...

Hang on a minute.

Oh, my God!

I'll start again.

Bonjour, gee mapelle Joey.

Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we're going.

Detenerlos!

Back inside!

You are just in time for happy hour.

- He doesn't look very happy to me.
- Shut up!

It's so lovely to see you, Mrs Harvey.
We thought we'd seen the last of you.

Oh, no, Benidorm's difficult
to get out of your system.

It's very much the whooping cough
of the travel world.

Nicely put.

Very strong tea.

Did you remember the brandy?

That's what I meant by "Very strong."

Good lass.

This is Mrs Harvey, Amber.

One of our old regulars.

Eh, eh, eh, not so much of the "old."

Mrs Harvey and her family
moved to America last year.

Yeah, Las Vegas.

Oh, that's sounds exciting,
I've always wanted to go to Vegas.

We've got some business interests
out there. A hotel, actually.

Oh, right.

How are things there, Mrs Harvey?

Oh, it's all very complicated, Les.

It's taken almost a year to sort out
the business side of things.

So you all thought you'd come
to Benidorm for a break?

Oh, no, I'm here on me own.

They think I'm in the UK,
they don't know I've popped over here

to buy my grandson a holiday home
for his birthday.

He absolutely loves it here.

And then that one sitting down
got the winning bid.

That is Mrs Harvey, do you not remember?

Last year with the crazy little
oompie-lumpie person in the white hat?

He told her she was a squillionaire.

Only two types of people
come to Benidorm,

those who never come again
and those who never want to leave.

Erm, excuse me,
I hope I'm not interrupting.

No, you're not, piss off.

Well, if there's anything you need
while you're here, Mrs H,

you just let us know.

And give us a shout
if you want that tea a bit stronger.

Thanks, love.

I am Mr Wu from Mr Wu Chinese Buffet.

I couldn't give a frig if you put
the Fanny in Fanny Cradock.

You know,
there is an old Chinese saying.

"The sleeping cat should not ignore
the rat pulling at its tail."

What you put in your fried rice
is your own affair.

I will buy the finca
you just bought in the auction

for 5,000 more than you paid for it.

It's not for sale.

10,000 more.

Are you still here?

15,000 more!

If you don't fuck off,

I'll shove this electric cig
so far up your arse

you'll light up like a Chinese lantern.

The restaurant he was bidding on
was in the next lot,

but it was withdrawn.

No wonder he's interested
in Mrs Harvey's property,

he's probably already spent
a fortune on a licence.

What licence?

- To open a restaurant.
- Yes, this is correct.

One time, I look into
this restaurant licence.

Madre mia! So much money!

And when you buy,
is only for one Pacific area.

Is it now?

Any chance of anybody
doing some work today?

I don't see how they can stop
other people calling you The Oracle.

I mean, apart from Geoff,
that's your name.

If I were you, I'd be more worried about
the other names people call you.

Oh, yeah?
And what about the names they call you?

All right, let's have no squabbling.

I knew it was a bad idea
you being on spirits during the day.

- And what about her?
- I haven't had a drink for 18 months.

And God, don't we know about it!

It's the money I've saved
from not drinking

the last year and a half
that's paid for this holiday.

And what did you do
with the other four million quid?

I thought you went to get your twin-top?

- Me laptop?
- That's it.

That lad over there
is having a look at it for me.

That young boy?

He's still wet behind the ears.

He won't be after trawling through
his Internet history.

You know what?

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but you were actually a nicer person
when you were still drinking.

Oh!

Don't listen to him, Pauline.

Can you honestly say you miss
that thick-headed,

dizzy feeling of staggering around
laughing and not giving a damn?

No, I thought not.

Son, I've been thinking...

- Yeah?
- When we get home,

I'm going to look
at sheltered accommodation.

What do you mean?

I'm not a well man.

I don't want you having the burden
of being saddled with me if...

If what?

Well, if something happens to me.

But that's why you're moving in,
in't it, Sheron?

So we can keep an eye on you.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's why you're moving in.
So we can keep an eye on you.

You can have my room, Grandad.

I'll sleep in Jodie's play room.

Really, son?

Yeah, no problem.

That's settled.

It would seem so.

Sheron, I don't know
how else to apologise

for making our Jodie scared of water.

She's fine now, in't she?

Yeah, she's fine.

Mate, we don't want any trouble,
we just want to go.

How many times do you
want me to apologise?

Do you know how many times I catch

British pigs
staring at Catalina's breasts?

It must be loads, they are huge.

What Joey means
is you're a very lucky man.

Catalina is my sister.

It obviously runs in the family.

Sorry, I was just trying
to lighten the mood.

Welcome to Spanish happy hour.

Each shot of whisky is 10 euros.

First man to fall
pays for all of the drinks.

Ten euros a shot?
That is, like, well expensive.

- I'm amazed you're so busy.
- Shut up, Joey.

Okay, but I'm going to have to do it,
my mate doesn't drink.

He does now.

But if Joey has no money,

I'm sure I can find
other ways to make him pay.

Oh, don't. Geez, I'm ticklish.

Mate, be careful, I think he likes you.

I like him, too, he's funny.

No, when I say he likes you,
I kind of mean...

How can I put it
without getting too romantic?

He'd quite like to bum you?

Mate, don't be ridiculous.

He's a big hairy biker
dressed in black leather.

What's gay about that?

This is Roberto.

He drinks all day
and he drinks all night.

He's known as El Barril Sin Fondo.

You say, "The barrel without a bottom."

I think you're gonna be the one
who wished he didn't have a bottom.

You've got five minutes, Wu.
Time is money.

Mrs Harvey, I didn't know
if you would come.

I assume you're upping your offer?

Please, let us relax, have Chinese tea.

We have a proverb
in my country which say,

"The monkey who eat the banana
without peeling the skin

"is like the man who walk through
his neighbour's melon patch

"without stopping to tie his shoelace."

Did you used to write the clues
for 3-2-1?

- What?
- It must be the Chinese year of the bull

coz I've never heard so much shit
in me entire life.

Look, let's get down to business.
I'm not here on holiday.

Oh, you live in Benidorm?

If you must know,
I've been based in Las Vegas

for the last year, where I have
interests in several hotels.

Oh, you like Donald Trump
without the comb over?

My business partners and I
are now looking to expand in Europe.

You want to be a Spanish Trump?

We got Chinese cabbage on the menu.

We get a lot of those in here.

Spanish Trump!

Are you going to up
your offer on my finca

or just sit there giggling
like a 12-year-old?

Okay, yes, I have new offer for you.

I finca you're gonna like this.

Right, piss off.

- You had your chance.
- Ah, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, last offer of Mr Wu
was 115,000 euro.

I'm listening.

New offer, 116,000.

I'm obviously wasting me time here.

Wait, wait.

118...

120,000.

121,000.

122,000.

Okay, lady, I not being funny,
but why are you being a complete bitch?

Why do you want to pay 122,000 Euros
for a shit tip of a house

that's worth no more than 80?

125,000 euro.

Wait! Wait!

I've got an extension on my mortgage!

What the bloody hell do you want?

Mrs Harvey, I can pay you 150,000!

I am begging you!

Mrs Harvey, I want that house!

150,000?

Yes!

Wait!

160,000 euro.

Final offer.

What? No!

I've only got 150,000!
Mrs Harvey, Please!

Sold to the highest bidder.

No!

Sorry, love, business is business.

Roberto! Roberto!

Roberto! Roberto!

Come on, Joey, you can do it!

Here he goes!
Get ready to pay your bill, little boys!

Yes! Come on!

Catalina!

Otra botella!

Mate, we gotta get you out of here
before you die of alcoholic poisoning.

- Come here.
- What?

Come here.

I'm faking it.

- What?
- I'm faking it, bruv,

I'm stone-cold sober.

Bruv, how the frickin' hell
have you done that?

I've never seen you drink once
in all the time I've known you.

Exactly, I don't drink
because it doesn't affect me.

What?

Straight up!

Oh, my days! You are gold!

Now we get serious. Doubles!

Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute,
why don't we get really serious?

Not doubles, not triples, but...

What comes after triples?

Mate, you're asking the wrong person.

Quadrangles! Yeah!

Hee hee, hah!

Yes, come on!

Roberto.

Woo-hoo!

- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah!

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

Apaga la musica!

They have been cheating!
He's not drunk at all.

No, no, we didn't cheat, he's just
really good at drinking, honest!

Now you have to pay for the drinks
for everyone for the rest of the night.

And you, you, my little friend.

Come to the basement to show me
some of those pretty dance moves.

Oh, my God!

- What's going on, bruv?
- It's happening!

- It's happening!
- What's happening?

I thought you said alcohol
doesn't affect you.

I don't get drunk,
but it affects me in other ways.

What other ways?

It gives me really, really bad...

Really bad what?

Oh, my days.

Mate, that is really bad.

Argh!

I can hardly breathe.

Argh! Argh.

Oh, my nose is on fire!

Come on, mate, let's run for it!

Here you are, Dad.

I want you to take two of these.

- What are they?
- Sleeping tablets.

Oh, aye. Knock the old man out

while you head off into town,
is that it?

What? Into Benidorm?

Why would we do that when the drinks
are all paid for here?

Come on, come on.

- Oh, no.
- Come on!

I'm wasting valuable supping time here.

Right.

Right, any problems, give us two rings.

I mean, I won't actually
answer the phone

because, well, you know, it costs money,
but I'll be straight up them stairs.

Well, not the stairs, the lift,
but you know what I mean.

Oh, bless.

The auction house has been informed.

New papers will be available
in your name tomorrow morning.

I can assure, Mrs Harvey,

if we ever do business together again,
watch out.

Next time, Mr Wu gonna win.

Bring it on.

It's true what they say.
When you've finished one Chinese,

it's never too long
before you're hungry for another.

If anybody asks, you haven't seen me.

- Who said that?
- Very funny.

Hey, mate, are you sure you're safe?

Yeah, man.

But I can't keep going outside every
time I've got to drop the F-bomb,

I'm gonna be cream-crackered.

I can't believe
you're still blowing off.

How long does it usually last?

I don't know.

Last time I had alcohol
was on my sister's 18th birthday.

About 20 of us packed
into one of those little karaoke booths.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

I just felt sorry for the waitress
that found us all.

Lying there.

I feel terrible, I told me Dad
we'd be in Neptune's.

And if he needs anything,
Rob's got your mobile, stop worrying.

- What if he can't get through?
- I've got my phone.

Billy, for God's sake,
your father's coming to live with us,

can we just enjoy the time we've got?

Are you still following us?

Two, three, four, five, six,
up the ladder.

And lucky five to win.

Oh, do you mind?
Other people have to touch that.

Not any more they don't.

One, two, three, four, five, championes!

Championes!

The crowd went wild!

Muchas gracias.

Muchas gracias!

Well, that's me. I'm done in.

Same time tomorrow night?

I'm afraid not, Mother.

Another four-hour
Snakes and Ladders session

and I fear I may explode
with excitement.

Yeah, and I'll get
me laptop back tomorrow.

So as thrilling as it was to hammer
you both into the ground,

it was a one-night stand, ladies.

Right, let's get this lot cleared up.

No, it's all right, I'll do it.

I need to give a good mop as well.

There's more filth in here
than in Geoff's hard drive.

Ha-ha.

Right, well nighty-nighty.

Pyjama, pyjama.

Buenas noches.

Night.

Oh, don't worry,
he'll show up sooner or later

full of regret about what he said.

I think you were right with sooner.

Oh, and he looks full of something,
but it's not regrets.

Right, I just want to say

that I do not give a Chinese shite

that neither of you two
have been answering your texts.

I mean, my texts.

Coz I am going to...

I'm going... Oh, yeah! Madrid!

Yes! I'm going to Madrid!

To work with Liam.

A real friend.

A true friend. He's my friend!

Just as soon as he answers my texts

to say that it's all right, I am going.

- I didn't get a text off you.
- Neither did I.

Lies!

Kenneth, sit down.

Look.

Every one of my texts...

None of them have sent.

I must have run out of credit.

Kenneth, Troy's got something to say.

Kenneth, I was wrong.

Oh, don't you try to wriggle out of it,
coz I know what you're trying to do.

And it won't work.

I would rather be
on the street, prostitute.

I think you mean, "Destitute"?

I know what I mean!

- What did you say?
- I said, "Destitute."

No, before that.

Oh.

Well, I said I was wrong.

Kenneth, I'm sorry.

I tried to wade in with me cheque book
and take over the salon.

Your salon, Blow and Go.

And that was wrong of me.

Your style and character is amazing

and it's something
I wouldn't want to change.

And I think our friendship is amazing

and it's something
I wouldn't want to lose.

So let's just start afresh tomorrow.
New beginning, what do you say?

- Same again?
- Same again.

So, I believe congratulations
are in order?

They certainly are.

Between us, we managed to get
Mr Wu up to 160,000.

By my calculations,
that makes your cut 15,000 cash.

Tomorrow morning do you?

Oh, that would be wonderful.

I've got to say,
when you burst into that office

even I thought you wanted that house.

Well, acting does run in the family.

My father was very close
to Sir Laurence Olivier

during his famed production
of Richard III.

Your father was an actor?

Not an actor.

He was Larry's dresser 1944 to '45.

Not quite so glamorous.

You can say that again.

He spent most of that season
stuffing his hump.

- Mrs Harvey?
- Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, I shouldn't really, I mean...

On duty.
But some things are worth celebrating.

And no hard feelings about
losing your dream house?

With 15 grand in my pocket,
I'm happy to have another dream.

Plus, the longer I wait,

the cheaper property seems
to get here at the moment.

Yes, so I'd heard.

I think I might be back here
sooner than I thought.

Oh, that were gorgeous.

- I love a bit of steak.
- Yeah.

Lean and tasty,
like someone else I know.

Sorry, love, what did you say?

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, yeah, no, I'm fine.

Sorry, I was just seeing
if me Dad had rang.

You've been checking
your phone all night.

- Shall we just go back?
- What, and ruin our big night out?

No fear.

Billy.

We both know Eddie does my head in.

But I don't hate him.

He's your father, and he's our family.

He just looked so frail in bed tonight.

He's always been there for me.
I don't wanna lose him.

Come on, let's go back.

Yee-haw!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yee-haw!