Original subtitles

I'm sorry pal, there's no bar service until breakfast is finished.

Ugh.

Oh, buenos dias. You're heading out early.

But then the early birds do catch the worms.

Anything's got to be better than the shite you're serving in there.

Lesley, is this some kind of a joke?

- Les. - I beg your pardon?

I'm Les, not Lesley.

I've been doing the job of three people lately

so I haven't even got time to wash me face in the morning

never mind set me wig and put me make up on.

Well, some of us manage it.

I don't mean I wear a wig I just mean...

- Look. Look at this sign. - Oh dear.

I knew I shouldn't have left it with Baby Jesus.

Well exactly, when I gave... Baby Jesus?

You know, the soft lad, Jesus in maintenance?

I thought we'd established that his name was pronounced Khezous.

Bless you. Well, his son Jesus junior,

- has been helping out a bit. - And you call him Baby Jesus?

Well, yeah, he is only nine.

You mean to say we have a nine-year-old child working part time at the hotel?

Well, not officially. It's just we had to bring someone in

to show us how to work the new computer.

Get this sign re-done, mop-up that water and send Baby Jesus packing

before we all get closed down for child exploitation.

Ooh!

Another day in paradise.

Well, here we are again, just you, me, and our beloved Benidorm.

Well, we said we'd be back,

but I didn't realise it would be under these circumstances.

Oh, Donald, I do miss you.

Are you there, boys?

We're gonna have another death on our hands at this rate.

That mountain path is a health hazard, I knew I should have worn flats.

- Kenneth, please. - What?

Bit of respect for Jacqueline?

Oh, sorry, Jacqueline, it's just that I'm more grazing sheep

- than mountain goat. - More moaning cow.

I do appreciate you boys coming up here with me,

Donald was so fond of both of you.

There was only one group of people he loved more than the gays

and that was the straights.

Lovely. I think.

I don't think we're gonna need this after all you know Kenneth.

Yeah, I don't know why you dragged that enormous thing all the way up here.

Oh, I thought you wanted him to be here?

- Very funny. - Come on, help me get set this up.

Donald's final wish was to be scattered all over Benidorm,

do you really think he'd want to be blown in your face?

Well...

Remember what happened when you brought Big Donna up here?

- Oh, that's true. - So, we don't want any accidents.

This is just a gentle, controlled breath of wind

to send Donald gently billowing across the bay.

What did happen when you brought Big Donna out here?

Well, Donald and I came up here to scatter Big Donna's ashes

and well, we got the wrong box

and then we ended up throwing someone's head over the cliff.

And it wasn't Big Donna's.

Me and Liam ended up fishing it out of the sea.

Oh, I have missed this place.

Here, booking under the name of Dawson, two doubles and a twin room.

- I'll be with you in a minute. - It's just that one of the doubles,

it's a deluxe room and I need to know which one it is.

Right, let's have a look.

- What did you say the name was? - Dawson. Can you hurry up please?

I'm going as fast as I can, pal.

You're joking aren't you, any slower and you'd be going backwards.

I beg your pardon?

We made the booking, but then a few days later

I called and I upgraded one of the double rooms separately.

And I need to know which one it is.

So, can you hurry up?

- Dad? - Shit.

What the hell do you think you're playing at?

Don't mention the deluxe room.

- Don't mention what? - Nothing. Shut up.

- Now hang on a minute. - What you doing tearing off

and leaving us with your bags?

I don't know why you've got three bags anyway, we're only here for a week.

Well, I can't understand how you manage with just one.

I mean clothes maketh the man Sheron.

I'm not wearing the same clobber every day.

I got all my things packed in one iddy biddy case

and if ya'll don't like that, y'all can kiss my sweet potato pie.

Look, I've told you before, darling,

I can't understand you when you talk daft like that.

Oh, leave her alone. Jodie, stop being silly.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Keep looking at me like that and I'm gonna bitch slap you

from here to kingdom come.

What did she just say?

She's just giddy from the coach ride. Jodie, chill.

- I'm thirsty. - We all are, love.

Uh, can we check in please? Three rooms under the name of Dawson.

No bother. This gentleman here,

was just saying that one of the doubles...

Forget it, forget it. It's all sorted, I've sorted it.

- Well you just said you wanted to... - Yeah, well it's all right now, okay.

Billy, why don't you go and get everybody set up by the pool,

and I'll sort these cases out.

I mean, it's the least I can do, in't it? After leaving you with them.

No, no you're all right, Dad, we wanna get in the rooms.

Yeah, I don't really wanna lie by a pool in a pair of jeans.

- Oh. Where is the pool? - That way, where it says pool.

Right, well, come on, everybody out.

Don't spoil the surprise I've got for you.

- Oh, what surprise? - When do we get the surprise?

What you doing?

- I'm just gonna find some shorts. - No.

Come on, out. I said I'll sort this lot.

Go on. Get in the sun.

Now then, which is the deluxe room?

This one, on the fifteenth floor.

All the other rooms are on the tenth.

Fifteenth floor. Nice one, thanks pal.

Hey, you can't leave all these other cases here, pal.

Yeah, yeah, well, I'll be back.

Uh-uh.

- Can I help you, pal? - Oh hello, mate.

Can you tell me who the manager is here, mate?

Joyce Temple Savage, but she's a bit busy today.

Yeah, that's fine. How long she been here for?

Four years. Why?

Brilliant, can you tell her that I'm here.

I've got an interview to pull a few birds, I mean a few pints.

- Have you applied for a job here before? - Me?

No, I've never been to this hotel in my life.

I've just got one of those faces.

You can say that again, pal.

Take a seat over there, by the sign.

You're a star. Nice haircut.

I usually have a chestnut bob, but it's in the wash.

Hello boys, you want to check in?

Yes please, the surnames are Dyke and Ellis.

Those are our surnames. One each.

'Cause it's him, and me.

Thanks. Have you got your passport, son?

Yeah, you need them to get through the airport.

- Give him your passport. - Oh, right.

Right, we've got you lads down for a twin room.

Yeah, we're on a bit of a tight budget unfortunately.

- He's on a tight budget and I'm skint. - Right.

I tell what. Let's see if I can sneak you two

into a deluxe twin.

They're much bigger than the standard, give you lads a bit of breathing space.

Oh, wicked. I've always thought

size is quite important in the bedroom.

Yeah.

He ain't talking about his knob, he means the room.

- He knows I meant the room. - Oh, right. Wicked.

It's just that he laughed so I thought he might think you meant your knob.

- No, no, everything's cool, bruv, yeah. - Yeah, sweet.

Eh, I'm sorry boys, I haven't got a bigger room for tonight.

But if you wanna check with me in a couple of days,

I might be able to move you. Right, there's your room keys,

wrist bands. Tenth floor.

- Brilliant, thanks very much. - Nee bother.

Oh my God, check out the fit Spanish birds at one o'clock.

Why do we have to wait until one o'clock?

Is it something to do with the time difference?

My dearest Donald, so now is the time to say farewell.

Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

It's been such an adventure.

But you always said, don't cry because it's over,

smile because it happened.

Oh, and in all the years we had together,

you certainly gave me a lot to smile about.

Remember, darling...

This is just adios and never goodbye.

Oh, hang on a minute.

- I don't think we need it, Kenneth. - Now look,

do we want Donald sitting in a muddy puddle half way down the mountain

or do you want him billowing gently across the bay?

- Billowing gently across the bay. - Exactly.

Oh, bloody hell, I think it's rusted.

Oh, come here. When was the last time you used this?

- I got it to inflate Roger. - I beg your pardon?

Big inflatable man I used a couple of years ago.

- Dear God. - To advertise the salon.

Are you ready?

Oh for God's sake, mind your fingers.

Oh my God. Jacqueline.

Oh my God. Jacqueline, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

Did he get off all right?

Oh, yeah, there he is.

Adios, Donald, adios.

Well, thank you. Mr Bueno,

now this is a very impressive CV.

Yes, very impressive.

It is not actually my CV, but I thought it might catch your attention.

- I'm sorry, this is not your CV? - No.

I downloaded it from the Internet.

As a doctor of medicine, my CV would be highly inappropriate for bar work.

- You're a doctor? - Yes.

You're a doctor and you're looking for bar work?

I'm afraid so.

My brother is a trained architect,

but is currently working in The Rich Bitch Show Bar

as a cocktail waitress called Tammy.

These are very difficult times of austerity we are living in.

I'm sorry Dr Bueno,

but I think you're vastly over-qualified for this job.

It wouldn't seem right employing a doctor to work behind a bar.

Have you never heard of people diversifying?

Look at Dr Dre, he now sells headphones for a living.

I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.

You don't understand, I need this job.

Personally, I think you'd be much better suited looking at...

No, no, no. I can do this job.

Looking after drunk tourists, mopping vomit?

You don't think I've never done this before?

I was a doctor in Benidorm for God's sake.

I'm sorry, Doctor Bueno, I think you'd better leave.

No, no, no. I can serve drinks.

I can call the bingo, two fat ladies clickity click, I can sing.

Give me a job, I need a job. Eh?

Argh. Help. Somebody help.

- What's going on here sunshine? - Give me this job.

- Who are you? - Do you want him out?

- Yes. Get him out. - Right, come here you.

- I think I'll have a swim in me pants. - No you will not.

- I'll text him again. - What's the difference?

- They're shorts, they're boxer shorts. - I said no.

Would you like to be in a pool if your Dad was swimming in his pants?

There is a difference. I change my pants.

- Oi. - This is ridiculous,

- I'm going to the room. - You don't know where it is.

Why does your father always do this?

- Oh, always do what? - Make life difficult.

What about this then, eh? It's not bad for day one is it?

- What have you been doing? - I've been getting changed.

You don't think I'm sitting down here in me slacks and jacket, do you?

Dad, you told us to wait out here because you had a surprise.

Well? What is it?

Uh, I forgot.

You forgot?

Oh, yeah, that were it, I've got a new hat. You like it?

Right, here's your keys, tenth floor, you're in 1026, the kids are in 1025.

Now I asked them if they'd move your cases,

but they didn't look too keen. So I'd check reception

to see if they're still there, if I were you.

Right, time for a beer I think.

- Is he taking the piss? - He's old, you know what he's like.

Yeah, I do know what he's like. It's got nothing to do with being old.

Where's Jodie? Where's she gone?

Jodie.

Darling, please, don't near the pool without your arm bands.

- She's all right. - She's not all right. She can't swim.

Right, shall we get these cases while the clothes still fit our Jodie.

Whey hey. Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Dawson is on fire.

Yeah. I am in these bloody jeans.

Hey, hey you, just chill out, yeah?

- We're supposed to be on holiday. - I know we are, I'm sorry, it's just...

- It's your Dad, he winds me up. - Does he? Can't say I've noticed.

Come on, you know what hotel rooms do to me.

- No, what do they do? - They give me an uncontrollable urge

to use a trouser press wearing nothing, but a shower cap and a filthy grin.

Well, let's get in that room.

- You really should go to hospital. - I'm all right.

Oh she's as strong as an ox, this one.

Kenneth's right.

I once pulled a Skoda Rapid across Newport Bridge

dressed as a bottle of strawberry Yazoo.

I told you, she needs medical attention, she's concussed.

It was all for charity.

And I'm sure I'd have got more than half way if Big Donna hadn't been steering.

She sounds perfectly normal to me.

Well if you're absolutely sure you don't need a doctor.

The only doctor she needs is Doctor Kenneth and his magic scissors.

I am going to give you a free cut and blow dry.

Oh, lovely.

I don't know about the pair of you, but I could do with a screaming orgasm.

Let me get some drinks first. We can start planning your social life

after I've done your hair. Here you are, keys to the salon.

Put the kettle on, I'll be there in five.

- Morning, boys. - All right.

- What do you think then? - It's...

It's like paradise.

Right, shall we grab a couple of sunbeds?

You get the sunbeds, I'm gonna have a swim before the tide goes out.

Well, first of all, Mr...

Marcus, my name's Marcus.

First of all, Marcus,

I must thank you most sincerely for your help this morning.

What can I say? I see a beautiful lady in distress,

I just switch to autopilot.

Oh, no, I meant you chucking that looney out that wanted a job.

- Yeah, I know. - Sorry, when you said, "Beautiful lady"

I was a little confused.

I didn't mean to embarrass you. I speak as I find.

Well, yes.

Anyway, the thought of having you is most appealing.

On our staff I mean. But of course,

I am looking for an experienced man.

On the job. Uh, for the job. The job of barman.

Right, now, are you listening to me, Sergio?

- Que? - You are now on the pool bar

'til two o'clock. Go. Go.

No, no. Not go home, go to the pool bar.

The pool bar. Take your coat off.

No mas jaqueta.

- Um, do you have a CV? - Oh, I wrote down my contact details.

Ah.

Oh. Other side.

Yes. Oh, do you have any experience working in the hotel industry Mr, uh,

- Horny? - Hornby.

Do you have any experience working in a hotel Mr Horny... Hornby.

I'm going to be honest with you Joyce, may I call you Joyce?

We're all one big happy family here, Marcus.

Where the hell are you going, Sergio?

You're supposed be behind the pool bar.

I go. I go. I no like it here.

I go back to Barcelona.

Please, continue.

Oh, that's a Picasso right?

I doubt it, it was three euros at the Chinese Bazaar.

Yeah, that's Picasso's bird of peace.

Beautiful. Where was I?

Oh, yeah, so I retired at 42 and I came to live in Benidorm.

For the first five years I lived a very comfortable life,

I'd swim in my pool in the morning, have a light lunch.

Sounds idyllic.

- But I'm a very physical man, Joyce. - I can see that.

I tried to relax, live the easy life, but I needed a project.

Cut a long story short, I started dabbling in the property market,

just before the bottom fell out of it.

- Joyce? - Oh, I do apologise, I got confused.

I got as far as your bottom.

Anyway, since then, I've been kind of living in denial,

but the fact is, you've got the one thing I need.

Really? Are you sure?

Ajob. I need a job Joyce.

Yes, I understand that Mr Hornby,

but we really do need someone with experience.

Joyce, I'm an open book.

What you see is what you get.

If you like what you see, it's yours.

How hard can it possibly get?

Well, you tell me?

Come in.

I'm sorry, Mrs Temple Savage, we're so low on staff now,

I'm not sure how we're gonna get through the day.

I'm ready when you are Joyce.

Thank you Mr Hornby, I'll be in touch.

Oh, I do hope so, Joyce.

He seems keen.

- Do you want the last one in? - Yes, thank you.

Although to be honest, Les, I think Mr Hornby could be the one.

On the job I mean, uh, for the job.

Well as long as he's got plenty of experience.

We haven't got time to be training someone up.

In you come love.

This is Amber. I'm on reception if you need me.

Hello Amber, do take a seat.

Joyce Temple Savage.

Did you bring your CV with you?

Absolutely. Here's my CV.

Three references, my City and Guilds in Hotel Management and Catering,

my first aid training certificate and my I.P.L.Q.

I.P.L.Q?

International Pool Lifeguard Qualification.

You all right, son? Where are the others?

- You shake them off at the pass? - They're unpacking.

Why didn't you save the other sunbeds?

What others? I'm all right on this one.

The sunbeds for me and Sheron, and the kids.

Oh, I didn't think.

- Come on, there's some more beds there. - Well, I'm all right here to be honest.

What you doing? I said I was all right here.

The bar's too far away over there.

We don't have to get our own drinks from the bar, that's why we had kids.

Oh, yeah.

Here you are, these are fine.

- Billy. - Yes, Dad.

I don't suppose you've had a word yet, have you? To Sheron.

About me moving in.

- Son? - Um...

Well, it's not a great time, to be honest, Dad.

But I've moved out me flat.

- What do you mean you've moved out? - Well, you know my flat?

- I've moved out of it. - Why? Why would you do that?

Because you said I could move in with you.

But I didn't mean it. I mean, I didn't mean right now.

- Where's all your stuff? - It's in Ron Pickford's garage.

Who the... Who's Ron Pickford? Ugh.

You're very quiet, the pair of you.

We're just relaxing aren't we, son?

Yeah, relaxing.

- Where are the kids? - Rob's taken Jodie to get an ice cream.

I think it's time for a drink.

- Oh, yeah, smashing, I'll have a beer. - Diet Coke for me.

And I will have, uh, a whisky and lemonade.

No point drinking beer when the spirits are free as well.

Will they be long, the kids. I'm dry as a bone here.

I thought you were going to get the drinks.

No point doing everything yourself, is there?

That's what you had kids for, isn't it?

What kind of a thing is that to say? They're not slaves, you know.

- I'll go. - Beer for you and you'll want a Diet.

- I beg your pardon? - Diet Coke.

Just checking, you know what my memory's like.

Right, I'll be a good ten minutes 'cause I'm going for a Tom Tit first.

I've been baking it since we disembarked at Alicante.

Oh.

And wash your hands.

"You want a Diet?"

A Diet Coke. He wanted to get your drink right.

He knows exactly what he was saying.

How did he end up coming with us? I don't remember inviting him.

He's been through a very traumatic divorce.

He needs this holiday.

Mary's the one who deserves a holiday after 40 years married to him.

Oh, well, I suppose we should be thankful for small mercies.

At least we've only got him for a week.

Yeah.

She's good, young and attractive and doesn't seem afraid of hard work.

- Yes. - Not sure why she brought her Dad.

Marcus and Amber are each on an unpaid shift.

I'm sure by the end of the day we'll know who the man is for me, or woman.

For us I mean, I mean the Solana.

Any problems I'll be on my mobile.

Nee bother, Mrs Temple Savage.

Hey, you won't get it any cheaper than that, all right?

Thank you. Goodbye. I'm sorry about that.

Now, listen, I want to talk about Picasso.

Kenneth, according to this, you haven't had any customers in weeks.

If my nose were as long as yours, I'd have a lot more offers

- to sit on my face. - You're certainly not getting any offers

of work. How do you pay your bills? How do you pay your rent?

Look. I have an arrangement.

Oh God, here we go.

No. It's not what you think.

Basically, I'm rent free.

This place belongs to me Uncle Herbert, he even pays all the bills.

- I knew it. - Oh, shut up.

He's a real uncle. Well, actually he's not.

He was a very good friend of me mother's but he owns this,

and most of the other hairdressers this side of Alicante.

So, Kenneth Du Beke, you've fallen on your stilettos once again.

Well, let's face it. The less time I spend in here,

the more time I get to spend with you two.

- Has she been all right? - Not really, she misses him terribly.

- They were like book ends. - You mean they usually had two or three

- people in between them? - No. Well, yeah.

I mean, they were always together.

When they didn't have two or three people in between them.

It's funny isn't it? Everyone thought Donald would go hanging

upside down bound and gagged, dressed as a naughty nurse.

- You mean he didn't? - No.

They both got into bed, turned out the light, fell asleep

and at some point, his heart just stopped beating.

Oh.

I guess there's only so much fun you can pack into one lifetime.

Yeah.

By that reckoning, your number should have been up years ago.

Oh, don't say that. Anyway, why are you only staying a weekend?

I've got a salon to run myself. Do you know, the kind, that has customers?

Oh, come on, she loves it here.

What's more important? Your salon or Jacqueline's happiness?

I'll get us some more drinks.

Oh. You're actually open today?

No, what gave you that impression?

What's the point of having a salon which is never open?

Piss off.

It's just banter. Are you checking in?

- Where have you been? - Oh, sorry about that Joyce,

just had to nip outside for a bit of business.

Nip out? I'm supposed to be showing you how to check guests in.

Absolutely, I'm all ears.

- If you'll watch me. - Watch you?

I can't take my eyes off you.

- Hello? - Sorry. Um, passports please.

Oh, there's the passports. Uh, yes.

Now the computer is very old, but terribly efficient. Bit like me.

If you make one more crack about your age,

I'm going to have to put you across my knee.

He's a cheeky one, this one.

Hold that thought, Joyce. Hello?

Well, I'm a bit busy at the moment. Can I call back?

What's it regarding?

- Now, we've got keys here for your room - Yeah, listen,

I'm in full time employment now, I can get your payment within the next month.

- Um - One second.

Gracias. Same to you, mate.

Um, Marcus, I think we're going to have to set a few boundaries.

Joyce, I just want to thank you so much for this job.

You're very welcome I... I beg your pardon?

They say that Benidorm is a lonely city when your back's against the wall,

but the moment I looked into those big blue eyes I knew you were the one.

- I'm sorry? The one? - To save me.

Well, I haven't actually offered you the job.

I'm gonna lay myself bare in front of you, Joyce.

- Here? - I've got nothing.

I'm stony broke. I've got debts up to here.

It's a shame I'm not a bit taller.

- I appreciate all that... - You are an angel sent from heaven.

I don't think you understand how I feel at the moment.

I could kiss you.

What now? How many times have I got to tell you?

Sorry.

Buenos dias, welcome to The Solana. Thank you.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, isn't it?

I've never seen them that size before.

- Really? - Oh, mate,

I've got to email you some links.

How would you get your mouth up to them?

- Start by buying her a drink? - They're made of plastic, right?

No man, those are the real deal.

And I think I just might be in with a chance.

- What are you talking about? - What are you talking about?

Those massive straws on the bar.

I was talking about the girl behind the bar.

What girl? Oh, the one behind the bar?

Yeah, she's fit. Ooh.

- Same again please. - Those went down well.

- Here for the week? - What's it got to do with you?

You've got some admirers.

Oh. Comes with the job, doesn't it?

Not for all of us.

So you've worked in Benidorm before?

Yeah, I was at The Regency for a year then at El Jardin in Altea for two.

Bloody hell, this must be a step down for you,

serving people with tattoos and broken noses.

I prefer my men with a bit of character.

I was talking about the women.

- Excuse me love, can I get a drink? - Hola. Same again?

You know that woman you were with earlier?

Blonde hair, blue suit, good looking. Is she the manager?

What's it gotta do with you?

- Getting in? - Is it cold?

At first but you get used to it.

Where's your inflatable ring?

Do you want me to get it for you?

- Are you getting in? - In a minute.

- Can you swim? - No, not really.

Oh, there's only one way to learn.

Diet Coke yours, Sheron? Diet?

Oh, my God! Jodie!

Bloody hell.

Oh, shit.

I'm here, darling. Don't worry, I'm here.

Oh, sweetheart.

She's okay, she's all right, thank you so much.

- He kicked me. He kicked me. - Who kicked you? You all right, darling?

Of course she's not all right. She nearly drowned.

Grandad. Grandad kicked me into the pool.

- What? - Don't be ridiculous.

You didn't kick her in, did you, Dad?

Well, I might have just nudged her, a bit.

Nudged her? Nudged her?

- She nearly frigging drowned! - I told him I couldn't swim

and he said there's only one way to learn and kicked me in.

- What? Come here! Come here! - No, no, no, no.

Let me at him! Get off me!

I'll kill him! I'll bloody kill him!

- What's going on? - Dad, go inside.

She's all right. A couple of gobs full of water isn't gonna kill her.

I'll rip his frigging head off!

All right, calm down. Just calm down.

I want to do karaoke.

We'll do it tomorrow night darling, you need to rest tonight.

She doesn't need to rest. We're on holiday, she needs to enjoy herself.

I want to do my karaoke and get my grove on.

Right, we can go down for an hour if you stop doing that silly voice.

It's open.

What's going on? Are we getting something to eat or what? I'm starving.

Well?

Thanks very much, enjoy your evening.

You seemed to do very well today, Amber, very well indeed.

- Thank you, Mrs Temple Savage. - And I heard all about the incident

in the pool today. You did very well there too.

- Oh. Thank you. - But this job isn't just working hard

and saving children's lives, if only.

It's about experience.

I gave you my references, I've had a lot of experience.

I'm talking about life experience.

I think we're possibly looking for a more mature applicant.

- Oh. - Thanks for hanging around for

another hour, Amber, you've done great today.

God, Les. Fancy dress. You didn't tell me it was fancy dress.

Do you do this every night? You look hilarious.

No. It's not fancy dress.

And I'm Lesley, when I'm dressed like this I'm Lesley.

Oh, God, sorry, Les. I mean Lesley.

Thank you for today Amber.

I've got one more person to see this evening then I'm going to sleep

with my decision. Uh, sleep on it. My decision, I mean.

- I'll be in touch. - Okay. Hope to hear from you.

I'm sorry about that, Les, Lesley.

Um, thanks for all your help today.

Nee bother young one, you did great.

So, you not going to take her on? She's a grafter.

Lesley, the girl's practically a child.

We need somebody with maturity and experience.

Joyce. Are we all set?

I thought we could do a bit of tapas in the old town

and then maybe catch a movie?

Mr Hornby. I think there's been a misunderstanding.

I asked to see you this evening to assess your application.

Oh. Oh, right. Yeah, no worries.

I'll wait for you in reception.

Well, I hope you enjoy your final assessment.

I'm not sure I like your attitude, Lesley.

I'm not sure I'm too struck with yours either.

- Excuse me? - Yes, pal? Two beers?

- I want to sing. I want to sing. - Rob, go and see if there's a book.

French Night, all regular dishes excluding hot pot will be served

with garlic mayonnaise.

Sheron, I'm gonna text me Dad and tell him to come and have his tea with us.

He's obviously keeping a low profile.

Or, instead, you could leave him wherever he is.

You know, just to be on the safe side

considering we've still got one child he hasn't tried to kill.

Here you go. Do you want me to help you choose one?

Yeah.

He didn't try and kill Jodie. Don't be so dramatic, my Dad's not a well man.

He won't be if he comes anywhere near me.

- Have you chosen one, darling? - Yeah. I is gonna be Beyonce

with a big old booty.

I'll go and put it in for you.

Ah, come here, I love you.

Hey, woman. Don't mess with my weave,

I gotta show my ass off on that there stage.

Mr Hornby, Marcus, I'd just like to set the record straight.

- Great. - I am extremely flattered

by your very obvious interest.

Oh yeah, well, I really need this job.

No, I meant in me.

Oh, well, I'm happy to go through whatever it takes

to get me on the payroll.

Go through with? What does that mean?

Look, we both know I'm not exactly cut out for working

in a shitty three-star hotel.

- I beg your pardon? - If I'm absolutely honest,

all I need is proof I'm in full time employment.

I won't bore you with the details. But I do realise if I'm being paid

to ride the bike, I've got to pump the tyres up every now and then.

- What? - I thought that was the arrangement

- we were both driving at? - Oh, no, Mr Hornby,

there's no arrangement apart from the fact that I have a job vacancy

for which you are clearly unqualified in both experience and attitude.

But I've said, I don't want the job.

All I need to know is are you gonna put me on the payroll?

No, I am not. Are you stupid? Now get out of my hotel!

All right, all right, no need to shout.

- I'll say goodbye then. - Goodbye, Mr Hornby.

Is everything all right, Joyce? You.

- What? - You don't remember me, do you?

No mate and I've got a very good memory for faces.

Oh, really? Even of people you've beaten up,

robbed and tied to a hotel radiator?

And you stole mine and my husband's mobile phones.

Four years ago.

Shit.

Right, come on, I need a drink.

I was going to run after him, but I thought if I catch him I'll kill him.

- This is amazing. - Yeah, it's not bad.

No, I mean that we can eat and drink as much as we like.

- Yeah. Do you want another drink? - Definitely.

- Do they have a happy hour? - No.

Oh, that's a shame.

Why would they have a happy hour? All the drinks are free.

Oh, right. It's a shame though, isn't it?

A happy hour would be nice.

Hey Joe, we still going out into Benidorm to watch the football?

- Definitely. - But Tiger, listen.

I've been thinking, we should turn our phones off while the game's on.

- Why's that? - Well, it'll be quite tempting to text

the lads at home if we score and it's not really fair.

- Why isn't it fair? - Well, it'll spoil it for them won't it?

'Cause we're an hour in front.

I'll get the drinks.

- When is it me? - They'll call your name.

Oh, can't you tell them to hurry up?

What? You want me to ask them to sing faster?

- He's not answering. - Maybe someone's kicked him in the pool?

- Sheron, that's not funny. - No, it's not.

Excuse me, but are you with a Mr Eddie Dawson in room 1505?

- No. - Yeah. Yes, we are.

We think he's had some sort of accident in his room.

Oh, my God. Come on.

Ok, the last singer for tonight is Jodie.

- It's me. It's me. - We'll have to do it tomorrow night.

- No. Now. - I can't leave you here.

There's something wrong with your grandad.

Lesley, there is someone in reception asking for you.

Come on. What are you playing at? That's me father in there.

- What's wrong with him? - I don't know. We can't get in.

Oh, get out of the way.

What is it Dad? Is it your heart?

No. It's me back. It's locked. Sit me up.

Careful.

Oh. That's it.

Oh. That's it, oh thank God for that.

How the frigging hell did you get this room?

I don't know. Why? Is yours not the same?

You know it's not the same, that's why you ran up to the rooms

on your own to get the best one.

Have you seen our room? It's an absolute shit hole.

- It's not that bad. - Shut up.

I don't know why Sheron, but this diet you're on,

it really seems to be putting you on edge.

Oh! Get off me!

I'm gonna kill you! Get off me!

Come in.

- How did you get on? - Get on?

With your fella. Did you hire him?

No, no, I didn't. Between you and me, Lesley,

they say there's no fool like an old fool

and I've just been made to look the biggest fool of them all. Again.

So will you be hiring the young lass?

Or are you still looking for someone, you know, a bit more mature,

with more experience?

I'm a silly, vain old woman, Lesley.

I knew Marcus, Mr Hornby would be useless,

but I even juggled the books so I could hire the girl as well.

That's what you get for trying to eat your cake and have it.

So you are still looking for someone?

- I can't go through all of this again. - Well, I don't think you have to.

Someone came into the Solana tonight looking for work.

Miss Temple Savage, Lesley tells me you were looking for staff?

Mateo. I thought you'd gone to live in Madrid?

Yes, I have been working in Madrid,

but, sometimes, you have to follow your heart.

Benidorm is my home and if you will have me,

I would love to work at The Solana again.

When can you start?

Not for another ten, fifteen minutes at least.

Right, come on, team, we've got a hotel to run.

Yes!