All language subtitles for Benidorm.S07E03.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES.eng

No, madam.

The "Do not disturb" sign is hanging on
the inside of your door for you to use.

Yes!

You're free to leave the room
whenever you wish.

You're welcome.

Did you hear that?
- Unbelievable.

I had a man yesterday who asked me
if the beach was air-conditioned.

Well, I know the nudist beach isn't.

So I assume the Levante's the same.

Good morning. Eh...

Oh, welcome to the...

Salon's very busy today.

What? Ah, don't say that,
I was hoping to nip in for a

pedicure on me lunch hour.

Is it safe to use an angle grinder
in such a confined space?

Eh?

Nothing.

Good morning, Solana.
So how can I help you?

Hello, I was wondering
if you have any rooms free next week...

Hello?

Hello?

Paper?

Tiger, today's paper.

No thanks.

Fancy a swim?
- No.

What about a drink?

No, thank you.

You gotta crack your face sometime,
son. You been sulking all day.

I'm not sulking.
It's called embarrassment.

Everyone's embarrassed
when they're a teenager.

You just got to work your way
through it.

You! I'm embarrassed about you!

What are you embarrassed about me for?
- Let me think.

What did my 52-year-old father do
last night that could have possibly

have been embarrassing? Umm...

Pervin' over women half his age and
when they said they weren't interested,

getting into a fight with them!

Which one was supposed to be
half my age?

You've got to be joking.

They were a right pair of munters.
- So why were you chatting them up, then?

Who keeps texting you?

Auntie Terri.
- You tell her,

she's got to keep her nose
out of my business.

Don't believe a word she says.
It's all a load of rubbish, you hear me?

Okay!

Hola!

Jacqueline, we need to talk.

Oh, morning.
- Morning.

I've been sick with worry all night.
- Worry?

What are you worried about?

You don't remember
I propositioned you last night?

No.
- Really?

Not that I remember.

You just, uh, finished your drink,
said you were having an early night

and went off to bed.

My God!

Those two lager shandies
must have hit me hard last night.

I haven't drunk pints since I was 18.

I think I'm still a bit tiddly.
- That is a relief.

I've been wringing my hands all morning.

I've been up since 7:00 as well.

Half the day's gone now.

Don't worry about it.
I've got nothing planned.

Well, I say that.
I might have a dip in the pool later on.

Hmm, I don't think I could spend another
day just sitting staring at the pool.

I tend to get panic attacks
if I've got nothing to do.

You know, alone.

With my thoughts.

Glynn, I said last night,
why don't you just call your wife

and say you think
this wife-swap thing was a mistake.

Oh, no.

She's having the time of her life.

Every time I text her
to see if she's okay,

she says she can't get enough of it.
- Well,

Donald is an amazing man.

I know I instigated this whole thing,

but I can't get over the fact that
you're so happy with your husband

spending time with another man's wife.

My wife!
- Well, I look at it this way.

Our next door neighbour has a drill,
but it doesn't have a hammer function.

You know, to go into solid walls
like ours does.

So we're only too happy
to let them borrow it from time to time.

But you can't compare your husband
to an electric hammer drill.

Well, you say that.

Mateo, can you help Lesley set up
this competition

he's doing in Neptune's for tonight?

I think he'll need some tables
from the Hawaiian function room.

No problem.

Everything is okay?
- You're looking very fresh-faced.

What is fish-faced?
- Not fish-faced.

Fresh-faced. You know, youthful, boyish.
Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

I think I understood
until you got to the bushy-tailed.

You haven't been to see Kenneth
by any chance, have you?

Kenneth?
- Yeah.

I notice business is
very brisk for him lately.

Most people seem to be leaving his salon
looking 10 years younger.

No.

I do not know about this.

Perhaps because I have a shave today,

maybe this is why you like
my bushy tail.

Close your eyes and lean forward.

What are you going to do?
- Do you like working here?

No.

I'll rephrase that.
Do you need this job?

Yes.
- Then close your eyes and lean forward.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to jab you in the forehead
with this drinking straw.

Okay, tell me when
you are going to do it.

Hello?

Miss Temple Savage?
Can I open my eyes now?

Right. Who's next?
- It's uh, Lorraine next.

Lorraine?

Uh, Kenneth.
Could I have a word, please?

Sorry, Joyce, I'm rushed off my feet.

Fine. I'll just go and check
your electricity supply.

Make sure there are no
imminent blowouts.

That's blackmail.

Actually, you're in luck, I was due
a fag break anyway.

Back in five minutes, ladies.

Kenneth, Kenneth!

Come on, we'll have to go outside.

Hang on. This won't take a minute.

I need to know what
you're doing in there.

Well, what we always do.
Hair and beauty.

Then why are you all dragged up
like Dr Kildare?

Who?
- Kenneth,

I need to know
what's going on in my hotel.

Head office have been on the phone
and I can't stall them any longer.

Head office?
- Crystal Hennessy-Vass herself.

Well, we've started to... diversify.

Well, go on.
- Waxing, eyelash tint, a bit of Botox.

Botox! I knew it.
Don't you need a licence for that?

Shh! Keep your voice down.
- I'm sorry, Kenneth.

I cannot allow backstreet
Botox on my premises.

This kind of thing has to be

administered by a
licenced medical practitioner!

All right. Don't get your knickers
in a twist!

I'm not exactly Vera Drake.

I don't see how I can
keep this from head office.

How many do you want?

I beg your pardon?

How many free Botox sessions
do you want?

Do you honestly think my loyalty
to the Solana group

can be paid off with
free Botox injections?

Three sessions.
- Five.

7:30.
- 6:00.

See you there.

Come on, hurry up, the clients are
starting to turn ugly.

I know. Why do you think we're
doing this in the first place?

Right. Better start thinking
about a bit of lunch.

A little light salad, I think.

Got to get back to my fighting weight.

Yeah, go on, I'll have a salad as well.

Two ensalada mixta coming up.

Actually, you better make that three!
- It's bleedin' boiling.

You can take your coat off.
- Then I'd have to carry it.

Shut your mouth, Clive,
you're catching flies.

What the bleedin' hell you doing here?

I'm on me holidays.

Did you know she was coming?

Well, she texted me from the airport,
but you told me

not to believe anything she says.
- I got free air miles

with my Braun Intimate Lady Shaver.

I just got out of the bath last night,

was giving me growler
a short back and sides,

when I thought, "I wonder if them
air miles are still valid?"

Oh, my God!
- And here I am!

Surprise!

Here, Ti. Give us a hand with me case.
Room 382.

You go on ahead.

I can't walk fast
'cause I got a bit of stubble rash.

It's making me walk like John Wayne.

Come on, sweetheart.

It doesn't hurt. It's just like
four or five injections into your face.

Maybe nine or 10.

No, son. I don't think Botox is for me.

Thing is, I'd be worried it took
all the character out me face.

Maybe just take a bit of
character out of your face.

What? Be just like all the other women
walking around Benidorm?

No chance!

Hey, where do you want this?

Oh, good lad,
I've been waiting for that.

Hey, can you man the bar while I go
and sort me questions out for tonight?

Sure, no problem.
- Mateo,

tell me dad the Botox don't take
all the character out of your face.

Botox?

I do not know anything about Botox.

Right then, I'd better be off.

Don't forget, big darts
quiz night tonight.

I'm calling it Arrows and Answers.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.

I'll see you later.

Hey, what happened to your
client conventionality?

Client confidentiality
is a bit pointless

when you're a 45-year-old
man with a face

like a 12-year-old
trapped in a wind tunnel.

Okay, move out of the way!
Move out of the way!

What happened?
- Are you friends with this woman?

No, but she's my sister.

Oh, my God! What's happened?

She has been hit on the head
by a falling lemon.

Falling from where?
- From a lemon tree.

But the only tree
around here is a palm tree.

No, this is a lemon-palm tree.

It's exclusive to Benidorm.

It didn't hit her on the head!
It hit her in the face!

How does a lemon fall
from a tree that high

and then turn a corner
to hit somebody in the face?

I was once caught in the face
with a banana.

At a wedding reception in Dewsbury.

That seemed to go around a corner,
it nearly took me eye out.

Oh, what happened?
What happened to me?

Where am I?

Oh!

Hello! Who are you?

You're fit as.

Oh, my God! She's hallucinating.

My name is Mateo.

You have had a tragic freak accident
where no one is to blame.

Do you feel okay?
- What'd you say your name was?

My name is Mateo.
- Mateo!

Mateo!

Are you feeling okay?
- No, not really.

Can you describe your symptoms?
- Well, for a kick-off,

my Auntie Mary's twitching
like a rabbit's nose.

Right, that's it!
There's nothing wrong with her.

Come, let's get her up!
- There's nothing wrong with her?

She's got a massive black eye.

What's going on? Is everybody okay?

There has been an accident.

I think they call it a force of God.

You know, where
there are no responsibles.

You wanna get someone up that palm tree
to pull the rest of those lemons off.

They're a death trap!

Mateo! Mateo!

I want Mateo!

What exactly happened?

I think the lemon fall from the tree.

Maybe. It hit the woman in the face.

You mean, this waxed lemon
fell from that palm tree

and hit that woman full in the face.

It is a mystery.

Take this lemon and put it
with the fruit in the bowl

which just happens to be
sitting on your bar.

And let us hope, for your sake,

the woman that got hit
in the face with the lemon

does not solve the mystery.

Because that will put you out of a job.

What's going on?
- Closing early.

I'm afraid we've run out of supplies.

A victim of our own success,
you might say.

What you talking about?
I've got an appointment at 6:00!

Are you deaf? I've just told you
we've sold out!

Haven't we, Liam?
- Completely sold out.

I've gone through more needles this week
than a crack house at Christmas.

Now, listen to me, we had a deal!

Look! It's not shampoo we've run out of!

I can't just send Liam out
to the Chinese shop

to get a bag of Botox now, can I?

We could always borrow some off Herbert.

There you go! We can
borrow some off Herbert.

You don't even know who Herbert is!
- No, I know I don't.

But he's got some spare Botox.

Shh! Keep your voice down, will ya?

Look! Why can't you
just wait until Monday?

Wait until Monday?
What are you talking about?

My face is dropping
with every passing second!

She's got a point.
- Thank you!

Oh, for God's sake!

Look, just go up to Herbert's
and ask him

if he can lend three or four boxes.

Three or four boxes! I'm not that bad!

Calm down, they're not all for you.

I'll be next door in the Piccadilly bar
having a well-deserved pint.

Right. We'll give you a shout
when we're ready for you.

I hope you're not going to have a drink
before injecting into my face!

Well, what I was thinking of doing

was getting completely hammered

and then put you up in front
of the dartboard

for that quiz tonight and then try
to score 180 in your forehead

with three hypordermics.

He's joking.

We'll give you a shout when we get back.

So, basically, it's teams of two
is what we're looking for.

One dart player and one quiz player.

Now, we've only got space
for four teams.

So, come on! Don't be shy!

We're gonna get started
after this next number.

Are you any good with arrows?

Arrows?
- Darts!

Because I'd probably
have somebody's eye out.

Mind you, I'm not that good
at general knowledge either.

I mean, I love my puzzle books,

but without Donald

I wouldn't know the capital of Paris.

The capital of France.

I don't know that either.

Come on, you throwing the darts
and me answering the questions.

Weren't you once in
a women's darts team?

Not quite.
- A men's darts team?

Dad, I'm putting our names down.
- Yeah, whatever.

You could still be concussed,
you know that.

You should be in bed.
- I intend to be. And not on me own.

Hola! How are you feeling?

Oh, not too bad, thanks.

I didn't put any make up on my bruise
'cause it hurt too much.

You must think I look horrendous.

Yes, but you cannot see the bruise.

Any drinks?

Yes, same again.
I'll be up there with the quiz.

Okay.

I think he likes you.

Now, come on, ladies and gents,
I know there's no prize,

but it's only a bit of fun.

There must be two more people
out there that wanna play.

No?

'Cause I'm gonna start
with the questions.

Nobody else?

Okay! Well, the first...

Jesus! What the hell was that?

You could've have taken
somebody's bloody eye out!

Who was that?

You've got your final team, my friend.

Geoff Maltby.

AKA The Oracle.

And I'm Noreen. I'm...
- And she's me PA!

Let's do this. Hit it, Darren!

Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy!

Calm down, fella. It's only a game.

No, my friend.

Believe me.

It's never "only" a game.

Where've you been?

I told you I was going
to the Piccadilly.

I didn't think you'd still be there.
I was gone ages.

Tell me about it,
I've exhausted me repertoire,

I did, A Wonderful World,
Little White Bull,

I texted you to see if you
wanted to do Cinderella Rockefella,

but you never replied.

Are you drunk?
- No, I am not drunk! How dare you?

I've had three or four pints.
- Three or four pints?

Oh, now give us that here.

The Wicked Witch of the West
will be here soon.

Wanting her face pumped with poison.

Oh, haven't seen these before.

How much did Herbert
charge you for these?

They're not from Herbert.

Who are they from, Curl Up and Die?
- No!

Julie's?
- No.

Oh, they're not from Benny
in the indoor market, are they?

She'll have mixed these up herself.

I got them from the Chinese shop.

What? I was taking the piss
when I said that.

I know you were but
I'd been everywhere else

and nobody seemed to have any

so I thought it can't hurt to ask
and they gave me these.

It's not actually Botox,
but it'll do the trick.

How much were they?
- How much do you usually pay?

Can't remember. About 80 euros a box.

4 euros.
- 4 euros!

Per box! That's four boxes, 16 euros.
But I haggled them down to 10!

Liam!

Right. If you don't do this now,
I'm cutting off your water!

Well?

Take a seat.

Come on, fella!
You're holding up the quiz!

You don't understand, do you?

It's not me against them,

it's me against the board.

I'm psyching the board out.
- Well, can you do it a bit quicker?

Or we'll have a riot on our hands.

Yes!

180!

Get in! Get in!

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Is this guy for real?

He had a few sugary drinks on the plane.

You must've been giddy
first day of your holiday.

Yeah, when I was 12.

Okay, that's the first round to Geoff.

The Oracle.
- Oh, sorry. The Oracle.

Eh... And the question
is general knowledge.

Noreen, for 180 points.

Philip Treacy is most famous
for designing what?

Oh, heck now. Let me think.

Um...

No, you'll have to do it again.

I mean, can I have the question again?

Philip Treacy is most famous
for designing what?

I think the answer is...

Cats!

Does Tracy Philips design cats?

It's actually Philip Treacy.

But, is "cats"your final answer?

You all right?

Yeah, thanks.

Yes! Cats! Final answer.

I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer.

But I can hand it over.

Is it hats?
- It is indeed.

28 points scored!

Okay, second round,
Clive to throw first.

Go on, Dad! Go on!

Two!

Three!

Another two. Seven scored.

Eh, don't be afraid of using
the top half of the board, fella.

I can always pull 'em out for you.

Cheeky bastard.

Your drinks.
- Here.

Does my eye look a bit wonky?
- What is wonky?

You know, a bit dodgy.
Everything's a bit blurred.

Can you have a look?

No, I think it's okay.

I might have to go and have
a lie down. Room 382.

The thing is, I haven't got
one of them signs for the door.

Do you know what I mean?
Do you think I might be disturbed?

Well, do you mean like, crazy?
Is not for me to say.

No, I mean,
without the sign on the door,

what are the chance of someone
entering my... private space?

Room 382.

Don't worry, the hotel is very safe.

There is almost zero chance of
any person entering your private space

for the whole of your holiday.

Yeah.

Story of my life, mate.

Just a score of one there, Barry.
Unlucky.

Right, Clive's up next.

Bloody hell, that was fast!
Let's have a look.

25, 10, another, 20, 55.
Puts you in the lead!

- Good arrows!
- Danke schön.

Right, Geoff's next on the oche.

Now, he's scoring big but his teammate
can't seem to come up with the answers.

Do you mind?
- Oh, sorry, sorry.

Just settling now.

55 to beat.

What is wrong with you?
Why do you keep talking?

I'm just doing what they do
on the telly.

Don't, just shut up!

And while we're at it,
can we have a bit of order, please!

And for God sake, how am I
supposed to concentrate

with that racket going on? Eh?

Thank you.

Well, that's too quiet now.

You're just taking the piss!

No, mate! It's you
that's taking the piss!

Just throw your darts!

I'll chuck 'em when I'm good and ready.
- You're holding it all up!

You know what the problem is
with my son, don't you?

Mmm, he's an idiot?
- No.

Well, I suppose that's consumptive.

No, his problem is he was born too soon.

Mmm, how'd you mean?
- Well, these days,

they have untold numbers of conditions.

Aspergers, autism,

ACDC.

But when our Geoff were a lad,

well...

He was just annoying.

Are you playing this game or what?

I will if you tell Penfold here
to calm down!

Well, you started it!

All right, game on!

The Oracle to throw.

55 to beat.

- That's five scored.
- Come on.

And another five.

Come on, Geoff! Keep it together.

Yes! Yes!
- 60 scored.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Get in! Easy! Easy!

Okay, that's 70 scored.

Let's have a bit of order,
we'll have the question.

Noreen, how many wings
does a butterfly have?

Oh, now, I know this one because
it's a trick question, isn't it?

Not really.

A butterfly has no wings.

Is that your final answer?

No wings. Final answer.

I'm sorry, the answer's four.

A butterfly has four wings.

Ooh, I was thinking of a caterpillar.

Un... believable.

Yes, my friend?
- Tonic water, please,

with just a touch of lime.

That ain't gonna get you
merry in this place.

Oh, I never touch alcohol.

I once drank so much when I was 16

that I had to have my stomach pumped.

Horrendous experience.
- You get used to it.

Just the tonic water, yes?
- Yes, uh, no, no.

A large Harvey Floorbanger with
extra toffee vodka shot, please.

Oh, for a friend.

How are you feeling?
- Eh?

The incident today,

when you got hit in the face
with a lemon.

I inadvertently recorded the whole thing

on my phone if you
wanted to have a look.

I've seen enough videos of me
falling arse over tit, thanks.

I can't think of one of me doing it
sober is gonna be much different.

You've obviously forgiven him.
- Forgiven who?

Oh. Oh, dear.

Thank you very much.

Something for you?
- I'll have a vodka and Coke.

No lemon. I've heard they can be
lethal in the wrong hands.

Oh, yes! We've got a lot of lines
to fill in here.

She looks like a road map
of North Wales.

I think we're gonna need
more than one session.

More than one session?
I think we need a foot pump.

Do you mind not discussing me
like a piece of meat?

This is the free consultation.
- Free?

How many people actually pay you
to psychologically rip them to pieces?

Look, we have to assess
the condemned building

before we try to underpin
the foundations.

Will you just get on with it?

She's right, you know,
we're wasting valuable supping time.

Liam.

Let the magic begin.

What the bloody hell's
the matter with ya?

I haven't gone anywhere near ya yet!

It's a needle.
- What about it?

I'm scared of them.
- Oh!

So why have you booked in
for a course of Botox?

Because I thought
my eyes would be closed.

Well, then, close your eyes!

I can't now that I've seen you
holding a needle.

Close your eyes!

That was just me hand!

Sorry.
- Right! Forget it!

Please, please, have you got
something that I could bite onto?

Like a piece of wood.

You wanna bite onto a piece of wood?
We're not sawing your leg off.

I could do my lullaby.
- What lullaby?

Well, when I was a teenager,
I used to sing a lullaby to my sisters

to send them to sleep.

She's hardly a baby!
- They were 22 at the time.

Oh, God! The mind boggles.
Right. Get on with it.

♪ Go to sleep, go to sleep

♪ Close your big bloodshot eyes

♪ Go to sleep, go to sleep

♪ The sandman waits for you ♪

That's 20 which makes
a total of 100.

- To take the fifth round...
- Come on!

Noreen, your question
is on ancient history.

Oh, for God's sake!

You've just asked him,
"Where do the Wombles live?"

There's no consistency!

I'm sorry, I'm just reading
the questions as they come out.

Archaeologist Howard Carter

is most famously credited
with discovering what?

Howard Carter.

Howard Carter.

He's cheating!

What're you talking about?
I'm just standing with me arms crossed.

Yeah, and who crosses
their arms like that?

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
best of order, please.

Noreen, do you have an answer?

Um...

Howard Carter.

Was he the one who needed
a wash in Take That?

No, I'm sorry.

He discovered Tutankhamun's tomb.

Howard Carter, I mean, not that
the young lad from Take That. Heh-heh.

Well, hang on! Weren't you meant
to be throwing these questions over?

Well, it's too late now.

The next question is for Tiger.

And it's on television.

What is Del Boy's surname?

Trotter.
- Yep.

No, no, no, I'm not having that. No way!

What, what, what are you doing?
It is Trotter, that's the right answer.

What you doing, man?

That is enough!
You're no longer in the competition!

It's a fix!

Have you heard the questions
they've been asked?

Come on, son.
Let's sit down and have a drink.

Come on, come on.

I wanna speak to the manager!

This is a bloody disgrace!
You've not got a clue, none of ya.

Look, man, I'm just reading...

I'm just reading them off the paper.

But it's wonderful.
You look 10 years younger.

Well, I must admit, I do feel rather...

Oh, my God!

Hey!

Right, that's all! The quiz is over!

I knew this was a bad idea.

It is him, the mama's boy,
he's causing the trouble.

She's not my mum,
she's a... business associate!

Please, could we finish the quiz?

We came a day early because
we saw it on the website.

I'm sorry.
I can't have any more trouble.

No more trouble. Please, I promise.

Then get this wound up
and get the karaoke on.

Sit down.

Miss Temple Savage, you're okay?

I'm fine! Come on, get it wrapped up!

Okay, this is the final round
and it's all change.

Will all contestants

please swap places with their partners.

Gotta be joking! I...

Sit. Sit.

All right!

Cathy to throw first, game on!

She's coming over here.

Excuse me.

My face feels rather strange.

Well, of course it does.

Everything feels strange the first time,
even you must remember that.

A bit of tingling in the face
is very common.

Yes, but you injected me
in my forehead...

And I can feel it in my neck.

Well, let's face it.

A bit of tightening round
that baggy old gizzard

isn't gonna do you any harm, is it?

No offence.
- None taken, I'm sure.

Right, sup up!
- Where are we going?

Anywhere!

I do not know what to say.

It was an accident.
- I might have brain damage.

And you think being hit in the head
with a lemon could make it worse?

No! I mean, you might have caused it.

Do you know, in my family,
we have a saying,

"A lemon in the face is better than...

"a toad-in-the-hole."

That's quite a specific family saying.

Sí, claro. My mother, she's very wise.

Yeah, well, we got quite a wise saying
in our family and all.

"Where there's blame, there's a claim."

Please, you do not understand,
I could lose my job here.

Oh, I don't want you to lose your job.

But I reckon I am due to
some sort of compensation.

Please, I have nothing.

Look, my trousers, they are empty.

I very much doubt that.

I trust you're enjoying your evening.

I beg your pardon?

I said, I trust
you both are enjoying your evening.

I think she said,

"I trust you both
are enjoying your evening."

Oh, right. Very good, thank you.

There's not a ventriloquist
on tonight, is there?

So now, we've got Tiger for Clive.

31 to beat.

Just settling now.

What do you think you're doing?

Sorry.
- You can take that again, son,

if you want to.

- But it is a treble 19.
- Oh, wicked!

What do you think you're doing?
- I thought it helped you.

Well, of course
it don't help me, you dick!

Come on, ladies.

You mind saving this little domestic
for later? We've a match to finish.

And that's a one.

58 scored.

Noreen, you need 59 or more
to take the final round.

Oh, heck!

I don't think these
are the right glasses

for this sort of thing.

Right, here we go.

Bloody hell! Do us all a favour,
love, and find your other glasses!

I think I've left my readers
in me room.

Come on, get on with it!

Just concentrate and look at the board.

It's here where you wanna be,
in the treble 20.

Now, you're, you're the right height.

Just about three foot too wide.

Like mother, like son.
- She's me PA.

Right, right, that's it! You're gonna
have my eye out with the next one.

Hang on! Hang on.

What the hell is he doing?

Right, throw it at me head.
- What?

Hang on a minute.

Throw the dart exactly the same,

but at the top of me forehead.

Give me the dart,
I'll throw it at his head.

Don't think about it. Just do it.

59 to take the round!

Yes! Yes! Come on!

That's 60 scored to
take the final round.

Your question is on pop music.

Huh! Bring it on.
- Okay.

1960s piano playing legend Gladys Jordan

was better known as who?

Um...

This is easy.
- Shut up!

I must hurry you, Geoff.

Can I hear the question again, please?

1960s piano playing legend Gladys Jordan

was better known as who?

Even I know this one.

I'm gonna have to press you
for an answer.

I've got it!

It's a trick question.

The answer is Liberace.

You think Liberace's real name
is Gladys Jordan?

I'm sorry, Geoff, that's not the answer
I've got on the card here.

I can throw it over to Clive.

Mrs Mills.

Invalid question.

Invalid question! Uh, piano solos

cannot be categorised as pop songs.

Oh, I think you're
splitting hairs now, son.

This is just rubbish!
Where are the proper questions?

Somebody ask me any of the names

of the 44 presidents
of the United States!

Go on, ask me!

Number six, John Quincy Adams!

Number 19, Rutherford B. Hayes!

35th, John F. Kennedy!

All right, all right, that's enough!

What is the chemical element
symbol for Mercury?

Hg!

What's the longest river in Europe?
The Volga!

Who was the youngest person
to ever have won Wimbledon?

You don't know, do ya?

Charlotte Dod, 1887!

Come on, son.
Let's try and be magnaminous in defeat.

Defeat?

It's a joke! It's null and void!

Look!

Look!

It's not even a real dartboard anyway!

Look!

Look!

Look!

I am The Oracle! Hear me roar!

Security up here, please!

Mateo, Kenneth, anybody!

What on earth
do you think you're doing?

Are you feeling all right,
Mrs Temple Savage?

I don't think so, Lesley.

I'm not sure that I am.

Darren, get some music on
and get over here.

Give me a hand to get her outside.

Get one on either side.
- Get up and let's move.

Come on, son, let's have an early night.

You!

Come on!

Hurry up!

This place is an absolute nuthouse!

I'm afraid there's never a dull moment.

Jacqueline, I think if I have one more
day incarcerated in this hotel,

I may just go insane.

Well, the thing is,
it's all-inclusive here.

And, well, we don't usually bring
any money out with us.

I'm taking you on a day out tomorrow.

Oh, Glynn!

What do you reckon
was wrong with that geezer?

He's what's commonly known in the
medical profession as a big fat nutter.

Oh, talk of the devil. Where you been?

Just been claiming a bit
of compensation.

What's that mean? Compensation from who?

Turns out it was that barman
who threw the lemon that knocked me out.

You won't get nothing out of him.

He tried to rip us off last year.

Oh, don't worry,
he's already paid in full.

And I think if I play my cards right,

he might give me another
instalment tomorrow night.

Huh!

Ew!

Here you go, son. Nice cup of Horlicks.

Where'd you get that from?

I brought it with us.

You see, you can always rely
on your old mam.

Now, have you taken your tablets?

I don't want you getting
all upset again.

Dr Loomis gave me a spare bottle.

You know, for your panic attacks.

They're not panic attacks.

People don't understand what it means
to be a tortured genius.

You're like your father.

On our last holiday,

as we went through Customs,

he shouted, "I have nothing
to declare but my genius."

Wilde.
- Wild?

He were furious!

They found 2,000 ciggies

and a novelty lighter in the shape
of a hand grenade.

Oh, feels funny.

Us having separate apartments.

Do you want me to pull out a Zedbed?

No, Mother!

I'm 40 years old.

I'll be fine!

All right, son.

See you in the morning.

See you in the morning.

Do you want me to leave
the light on in the other room?

And this door ajar?

Just as a night light?

Yes, please.

Goodnight, son.

Goodnight.