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1
00:01:02,815 --> 00:01:05,255
Oh! Hello.
2
00:01:05,295 --> 00:01:07,415
What do you mean "oh"?
3
00:01:07,455 --> 00:01:09,615
I didn't mean "oh",
I just meant "hello".
4
00:01:09,655 --> 00:01:11,255
Hello.
5
00:01:11,295 --> 00:01:14,295
You don't remember anything
from last night, do you?
6
00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:17,175
No, but I wish I did.
7
00:01:17,215 --> 00:01:20,375
You're so funny. I bet you don't
even remember my name.
8
00:01:20,415 --> 00:01:23,495
Of course I know your name...
9
00:01:24,935 --> 00:01:26,655
Silly!
10
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,815
Go on, then. What is it?
11
00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:31,495
Your name... is...
12
00:01:32,415 --> 00:01:34,015
..not...
13
00:01:34,055 --> 00:01:35,455
Gwen?
14
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:39,615
That's right, Martin.
My name is NOT Gwen.
15
00:01:41,295 --> 00:01:43,775
Sorry, I know this appears
awfully rude.
16
00:01:43,815 --> 00:01:46,895
I just... haven't
woken up properly yet.
17
00:01:46,935 --> 00:01:50,335
Neither have I, but I remember:
your name's Martin,
18
00:01:50,375 --> 00:01:54,575
you've been here for a few days
with your friends, before you go
to your villa in Murcia.
19
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:58,655
Do you have to go? My mum and dad
will be wondering where I am.
20
00:01:58,695 --> 00:02:01,375
You're on holiday
with your mum and dad? Yeah.
21
00:02:01,415 --> 00:02:06,415
Come and say hello to them.
By then, you might have remembered
to wish me a happy birthday.
22
00:02:06,455 --> 00:02:08,495
It's your birthday? Today?!
23
00:02:08,535 --> 00:02:11,495
Oh, my goodness! Happy birthday!
24
00:02:11,535 --> 00:02:13,455
Thank you!
25
00:02:13,495 --> 00:02:16,055
You sure you don't want
to stay in bed a bit longer?
26
00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:18,215
I'd better go.
27
00:02:18,255 --> 00:02:20,575
It's not every day
a girl turns 16!
28
00:02:20,615 --> 00:02:23,015
Well, happy birth... WHAT?!
29
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:25,095
Oh-my-God, oh-my-God, oh-my-God!
30
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:29,775
Well, that's the last of the sand.
31
00:02:29,815 --> 00:02:33,015
Any more and the Levante beach will
be borrowing bags of it from us!
32
00:02:33,055 --> 00:02:35,615
Yeah. It's wonderful, isn't it?!
33
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:36,935
Hmm...
34
00:02:36,975 --> 00:02:39,255
What's wrong with you?
35
00:02:39,295 --> 00:02:42,695
Well, if people want the beach,
they can go to the beach.
36
00:02:42,735 --> 00:02:45,255
I don't see the point of it,
to be honest.
37
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:48,655
And that, Lesley, is why
you are staff and I am management.
38
00:02:48,695 --> 00:02:51,335
To get ahead of the field,
one has to have a vision
39
00:02:51,375 --> 00:02:54,575
for the ever-changing face
of the all-inclusive.
40
00:02:54,615 --> 00:02:58,735
Talking about "ever-changing face",
is everything OK? What do you mean?
41
00:02:58,775 --> 00:03:03,375
I don't want to sound rude,
but you look like you had a fight
with your make-up bag... and lost!
42
00:03:03,415 --> 00:03:07,575
I had a slight reaction
to some medication I took last night.
43
00:03:07,615 --> 00:03:10,375
Ah! I see.
That's why you've trowelled it on.
44
00:03:11,415 --> 00:03:14,935
I tend to think "less is more"
when it comes to foundation.
45
00:03:15,615 --> 00:03:20,575
Thank you, Lesley, but do I
look like I need make-up tips
from an ageing drag queen?
46
00:03:20,615 --> 00:03:22,615
Oh, I see! I'm sorry.
47
00:03:22,655 --> 00:03:25,135
I didn't realise that was the look
you were going for.
48
00:03:25,175 --> 00:03:26,935
What's going on here?
49
00:03:26,975 --> 00:03:29,255
Welcome to the Solana Beach,
Benidorm!
50
00:03:29,295 --> 00:03:31,935
That's not a beach,
it's a builder's yard!
51
00:03:31,975 --> 00:03:33,575
It's not finished yet.
52
00:03:33,615 --> 00:03:37,015
Want us to set up a sun bed and
a table on it for you? No, I don't.
53
00:03:37,055 --> 00:03:40,095
Food here's bad enough without
getting a gobful of sand in it.
54
00:03:40,135 --> 00:03:42,135
Get out my way!
55
00:03:44,375 --> 00:03:47,935
The ever-changing face of the
all-inclusive could do with a lift.
56
00:03:47,975 --> 00:03:50,895
Oh!
No, I meant that one.
57
00:04:12,455 --> 00:04:16,855
Hey! Good luck trying to leave.
The police have got this place surrounded.
58
00:04:16,895 --> 00:04:19,655
What?! Oh, my God,
I had no idea how old she was!
59
00:04:19,695 --> 00:04:22,095
Please, you've got to believe me.
You what?
60
00:04:22,135 --> 00:04:24,615
I can't go to prison.
I wouldn't last a day!
61
00:04:24,655 --> 00:04:28,095
Locked up like a caged animal,
being disowned by my family,
62
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,775
getting raped in the showers
by Mr Big.
63
00:04:30,815 --> 00:04:33,015
Whoa, whoa! Calm down, pal.
It was a joke.
64
00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:36,095
What? I was taking the mickey
cos you were creeping about.
65
00:04:36,135 --> 00:04:39,855
The police aren't outside?
No. Well, I didn't see any.
66
00:04:39,895 --> 00:04:41,895
Oh, thank God! Thank God.
67
00:04:43,815 --> 00:04:47,095
I shouldn't be here.
I've made a terrible misjudgment.
68
00:04:47,135 --> 00:04:51,535
Yeah. We thought about Tenerife
this year. It's probably no better,
once you're there.
69
00:04:51,575 --> 00:04:54,415
No, no, no, I mean,
something has happened HERE, and...
70
00:04:54,455 --> 00:04:57,615
Oh, my God. There she is.
And that must be her father.
71
00:04:57,655 --> 00:05:01,015
You're not mixed up with that lot,
are you? Why?
72
00:05:01,055 --> 00:05:04,295
Give the one in the glasses
a wide birth. Absolute nutcase.
73
00:05:04,335 --> 00:05:07,895
Oh, God...
74
00:05:07,935 --> 00:05:10,375
Please, you have to help me.
75
00:05:10,415 --> 00:05:14,575
I think this man is going to hurt me.
Should I call you an ambulance?
76
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:17,095
I'm Clive Dyke, Bianca's father.
77
00:05:17,135 --> 00:05:20,375
Mr Clive, I'm sorry, I didn't know
your daughter was a Dyke. What?
78
00:05:20,415 --> 00:05:23,055
Mr Dyke, I'm sorry,
I didn't know your Clive was a minor.
79
00:05:23,095 --> 00:05:25,655
I mean...
I call the ambulance now, yes?
80
00:05:25,695 --> 00:05:28,255
I'm not a miner, I'm a builder.
81
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:31,495
Listen, Bianca said
that I should have a word with you.
82
00:05:31,535 --> 00:05:34,055
She... she did?
Yeah.
83
00:05:34,095 --> 00:05:36,895
Are you feeling all right?
Not really, no.
84
00:05:36,935 --> 00:05:40,775
We'll be round the pool.
If I don't see you this morning...
85
00:05:40,815 --> 00:05:44,735
Well, it's a small place.
I'm sure I'll find you.
86
00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:48,055
I understand.
87
00:05:53,815 --> 00:05:55,815
I think he likes you.
88
00:06:04,535 --> 00:06:07,335
Right, Maureen, that's you done.
89
00:06:07,375 --> 00:06:11,015
Any longer under that dryer,
there'll be nothing left of you.
90
00:06:11,855 --> 00:06:14,135
Aw... Bless!
91
00:06:16,935 --> 00:06:21,495
♪ I'm every woman!
It's all in me! ♪
92
00:06:21,535 --> 00:06:24,735
Well, it was last night.
I tell you, that Old Town is filthy.
93
00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:27,295
Ssssshhh!
Is that Maureen?
94
00:06:27,335 --> 00:06:29,535
Yeah. She fell asleep.
95
00:06:30,415 --> 00:06:32,415
Maureen?
96
00:06:33,255 --> 00:06:37,095
Maureen! Hey,
don't do that! You'll wake her!
97
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:40,775
How long has she been like that?
She's been under the dryer
about half an hour.
98
00:06:40,815 --> 00:06:43,175
I'll wake her up in a few minutes.
99
00:06:43,215 --> 00:06:45,495
She looks so peaceful.
100
00:06:45,535 --> 00:06:48,175
Yeah, a bit too peaceful.
What do you mean?
101
00:06:48,215 --> 00:06:50,295
What do you think I mean?
I don't know.
102
00:06:50,335 --> 00:06:52,215
Let's look at the evidence.
103
00:06:52,255 --> 00:06:54,615
We have a pensioner
under an electric dryer.
104
00:06:54,655 --> 00:06:58,135
She's not moving, eyes closed,
not responding to her name.
105
00:06:58,175 --> 00:07:01,815
I can't see any signs of breathing.
What are you trying to say?
106
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:06,335
For God's sake, what do you want?
Angela Lansbury holding a rectal
thermometer? She's dead!
107
00:07:06,375 --> 00:07:08,375
What?
Look at her!
108
00:07:12,735 --> 00:07:15,055
Oh, my goodness!
Pass that mirror.
109
00:07:15,095 --> 00:07:18,295
Why? If she's dead, she won't care
what her hair looks like.
110
00:07:18,335 --> 00:07:21,375
To put over her mouth, dickhead,
see if she's breathing. Oh!
111
00:07:25,175 --> 00:07:27,095
Hello!
Waaahhhhhh!
112
00:07:27,135 --> 00:07:29,135
What do you want?!
I want to speak to you.
113
00:07:29,175 --> 00:07:32,455
Get out! We're closed!
You're not. You've got a customer.
114
00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:35,975
That is not a customer.
That is Liam's grandmother. What?
115
00:07:41,855 --> 00:07:44,575
Now, what did you want?
Don't leave me in there with her!
116
00:07:44,615 --> 00:07:47,535
What's wrong with you? Liam
and his grandmother don't get on.
117
00:07:47,575 --> 00:07:50,015
What are we gonna do?
Shut up!
118
00:07:50,055 --> 00:07:52,055
There's a euro.
119
00:07:52,095 --> 00:07:55,015
Go and play on the machines.
What machines? Just go!
120
00:07:55,055 --> 00:07:57,495
Oh, he is such a perfectionist.
121
00:07:57,535 --> 00:08:01,975
I mean, his granny's hair is
so delicate. It's like spun gold.
122
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:04,655
He's done his best,
but she's dead and lifeless.
123
00:08:04,695 --> 00:08:08,535
No, the hair. I mean the hair,
the hair is dead and lifeless.
124
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,735
I was looking for Mateo.
125
00:08:10,775 --> 00:08:13,895
I need him to set up
the beach volleyball near the pool.
126
00:08:13,935 --> 00:08:16,535
Oh, yeah, we saw the sand
being delivered last night.
127
00:08:16,575 --> 00:08:19,335
It must be to go with the cement
in your make-up drawer.
128
00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,095
Most amusing!
129
00:08:23,175 --> 00:08:25,815
Jose, love,
large sambuca, por favor.
130
00:08:25,855 --> 00:08:27,335
Ooh...
131
00:08:36,375 --> 00:08:39,295
Anything interesting?
It's Gay Derek.
132
00:08:39,335 --> 00:08:42,135
Oh, tell him "bottoms up" from me!
133
00:08:43,895 --> 00:08:45,895
Nine down.
134
00:08:45,935 --> 00:08:48,615
Who is the Greek god of music?
135
00:08:48,655 --> 00:08:53,215
Now, I know it's Demis Roussos,
but for some reason it doesn't fit.
136
00:08:53,255 --> 00:08:56,135
Apparently, Big Donna's last wish
137
00:08:56,175 --> 00:08:59,095
was to have her ashes scattered
here in Benidorm.
138
00:08:59,135 --> 00:09:03,935
Aw! Shame she didn't die
a couple of weeks earlier.
We could have brought them.
139
00:09:03,975 --> 00:09:07,295
Derek says the Middlesbrough
Swingers' Association coffers
140
00:09:07,335 --> 00:09:10,215
don't run to one of them
flying out with her remains.
141
00:09:10,255 --> 00:09:14,335
So he's asking if he can post them
to us at the Solana.
142
00:09:14,375 --> 00:09:16,815
Oh, yeah, he could do that,
no bother.
143
00:09:16,855 --> 00:09:18,895
Expect there's
rather a lot of ashes.
144
00:09:18,935 --> 00:09:22,455
Well, there was rather a lot
of Donna.
145
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:26,495
It's still going to cost more than
£80 to send them express delivery.
146
00:09:26,535 --> 00:09:28,295
Oh, 'eck!
147
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:31,575
Can't they just send
a couple of legs?
148
00:09:31,615 --> 00:09:33,695
We'll pay for it.
What?!
149
00:09:33,735 --> 00:09:36,575
Donna was one of the best.
It's the least we can do.
150
00:09:36,615 --> 00:09:40,775
Well, if you really think so.
Oh, yes.
151
00:09:40,815 --> 00:09:43,735
What a wonderful gesture, Donald.
152
00:09:43,775 --> 00:09:47,815
Do you know what?
I love the fact that, after
all these years together,
153
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:50,095
you can still surprise me.
154
00:09:50,135 --> 00:09:53,215
Plus I've still got
Donna's leather basque
155
00:09:53,255 --> 00:09:56,175
that I borrowed to wear
at the MSA Christmas CookOut.
156
00:09:56,215 --> 00:10:00,095
It's worth a hundred pounds,
so I'm still 20 up on the deal.
157
00:10:00,135 --> 00:10:02,135
Oh, lovely!
158
00:10:02,175 --> 00:10:05,215
Hey! You have to move from here.
159
00:10:05,255 --> 00:10:07,495
We've only just got here!
160
00:10:07,535 --> 00:10:09,775
We are making
a volleyball competition.
161
00:10:09,815 --> 00:10:13,535
Volleyball, you say?
Put us down. Mr and Mrs Stewart.
162
00:10:13,575 --> 00:10:15,295
YOU play volleyball?
163
00:10:15,335 --> 00:10:22,575
Middlesbrough mixed doubles
champions 1978 to 1986.
164
00:10:22,615 --> 00:10:24,175
Wow.
165
00:10:24,215 --> 00:10:27,855
Jacqueline, I think it's time
to pull on some Lycra.
166
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:29,895
Oh-oh-ho, yes!
167
00:10:32,752 --> 00:10:35,030
What are they doing now?
168
00:10:35,031 --> 00:10:38,231
Typical! They've made a piss-poor
attempt at making a beach.
169
00:10:38,321 --> 00:10:42,041
Now they're gonna play tennis on it
so people can't even sunbathe.
170
00:10:42,081 --> 00:10:44,281
That's a very high net for tennis.
171
00:10:44,321 --> 00:10:50,201
That woman running this place is
about as much use as a one-legged
man in an arse-kicking competition.
172
00:10:50,241 --> 00:10:53,881
Volleyball. You what? It's not
for tennis. It's volleyball.
173
00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:56,121
Did you not watch our team
in the Olympics?
174
00:10:56,161 --> 00:11:00,361
I know someone who did.
Five days you rang in sick,
to watch women's volleyball.
175
00:11:00,401 --> 00:11:03,161
It's a shame a few more people
aren't patriotic like me.
176
00:11:03,201 --> 00:11:08,321
What does "patriotic" mean?
Watching telly with the curtains
shut and the door locked.
177
00:11:09,121 --> 00:11:11,481
Right, I'm off to play volleyball.
178
00:11:11,521 --> 00:11:14,841
I'll be on your team, son.
You're all right, I'll ask Tiger.
179
00:11:14,881 --> 00:11:18,801
Aw! You're not gonna let him hang
around with that hooligan, are you?
180
00:11:18,841 --> 00:11:22,121
Tiger's not an 'ooligan.
He's our Michael's friend.
181
00:11:22,161 --> 00:11:24,481
I was talking about our Michael.
182
00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:32,641
What are we going to do?
We can't just leave her in there.
183
00:11:32,681 --> 00:11:35,001
Shhh! I'm thinking.
184
00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:38,081
Dead bodies start to smell
after a bit.
185
00:11:38,881 --> 00:11:41,001
This is Maureen
we're talking about.
186
00:11:41,041 --> 00:11:44,401
Lives alone with her six cats
on the Benidorm caravan park.
187
00:11:44,441 --> 00:11:47,321
Didn't exactly smell like
Chanel No.5 to start with.
188
00:11:47,361 --> 00:11:49,481
More like
English Channel number two.
189
00:11:50,401 --> 00:11:52,401
I hope you've paid for those drinks.
190
00:11:53,121 --> 00:11:56,481
I am a very successful entrepreneur.
Of course I've paid for them!
191
00:11:56,521 --> 00:11:59,961
Yes. Just think
how much MORE successful you'd be
192
00:12:00,001 --> 00:12:02,161
if your salon was ever open!
193
00:12:02,201 --> 00:12:04,521
We operate
a strict closed-door policy.
194
00:12:04,561 --> 00:12:08,881
We have a very exclusive client list
who often require total anonymity.
195
00:12:08,921 --> 00:12:13,321
What?! I don't call Sticky Vicky and
the clown from the Benidorm Circus
196
00:12:13,361 --> 00:12:15,361
an exclusive client list.
197
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,961
We are not at liberty
to discuss our clientele.
198
00:12:18,001 --> 00:12:23,361
Exactly! Suffice to say,
we are only 40 minutes away
from the Alicante film studios.
199
00:12:24,081 --> 00:12:25,761
I can say nothing more.
200
00:12:28,361 --> 00:12:31,241
You've had... film stars...
201
00:12:31,281 --> 00:12:33,321
in your salon?
202
00:12:33,361 --> 00:12:36,281
Who?
We've already said too much.
203
00:12:37,201 --> 00:12:39,641
All I can say is...
204
00:12:39,681 --> 00:12:42,001
have you ever seen
the James Bond films?
205
00:12:42,921 --> 00:12:44,881
Course I have!
Well...
206
00:12:46,041 --> 00:12:48,041
The only clue I can give you is...
207
00:12:49,681 --> 00:12:52,001
M.
M.
208
00:12:52,041 --> 00:12:53,521
M.
Muh...
209
00:12:53,561 --> 00:12:55,561
Moore! Moore! Roger Moore!
210
00:12:55,601 --> 00:12:57,801
Roger Moore isn't a woman!
211
00:12:59,121 --> 00:13:02,081
Judi.
I can't hear you.
212
00:13:02,121 --> 00:13:04,201
Judi.
213
00:13:05,321 --> 00:13:07,841
I still can't hear you.
Judi.
214
00:13:07,881 --> 00:13:10,161
Judi who?
Oh, for heaven's sake, Judi Dench!
215
00:13:10,201 --> 00:13:12,081
What is wrong with you?!
I'm sorry.
216
00:13:12,121 --> 00:13:15,441
Do you want to ruin our client
confidentiality? No, I don't.
217
00:13:17,041 --> 00:13:19,161
Listen, you can rely on me.
218
00:13:19,681 --> 00:13:23,041
My late father was a handyman
to the stars.
219
00:13:23,081 --> 00:13:28,681
He once erected an African thatched
gazebo for Bernard Manning. Ooh!
220
00:13:28,721 --> 00:13:32,201
And I've kept that mum
for nearly 40 years!
221
00:13:32,241 --> 00:13:34,841
So... YOU know...
222
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:36,881
your secret is safe with me.
223
00:13:38,681 --> 00:13:39,881
Great.
224
00:13:39,921 --> 00:13:42,041
Please give...
225
00:13:42,081 --> 00:13:44,121
our special guest...
226
00:13:44,161 --> 00:13:46,161
my very best wishes.
227
00:13:48,881 --> 00:13:50,281
Will do.
228
00:13:57,681 --> 00:14:02,441
I don't mean to spoil your fun,
but we still have a dead pensioner's
corpse rotting under our dryer.
229
00:14:02,481 --> 00:14:04,281
Jose, another round, love.
230
00:14:19,001 --> 00:14:20,681
Hello. I need a drink.
231
00:14:20,721 --> 00:14:22,881
That's why I'm here.
What can I get you?
232
00:14:22,921 --> 00:14:26,201
Something short and strong.
How about an Angry Dwarf?
233
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:29,921
Very funny! Just give me a drink,
please. Oh!
234
00:14:29,961 --> 00:14:33,681
An Angry Dwarf... It's a shot.
235
00:14:33,721 --> 00:14:35,761
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes, yes, that'll be fine.
236
00:14:37,601 --> 00:14:40,681
Friends not wi' you? No.
They were only here for the weekend.
237
00:14:40,721 --> 00:14:42,841
I'm travelling on somewhere else
tomorrow.
238
00:14:47,041 --> 00:14:49,441
Dear... God, what is that?!
239
00:14:49,481 --> 00:14:51,561
I told you, it's an Angry Dwarf.
240
00:14:51,601 --> 00:14:54,521
No, what's in it?
Oh! I can't feel my mouth.
241
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,721
Yeah, it's good stuff.
Do you want another?
242
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:03,001
Everything OK?
243
00:15:04,081 --> 00:15:07,481
I've done... something... terrible.
244
00:15:08,401 --> 00:15:10,121
And now...
245
00:15:10,161 --> 00:15:12,001
I have to face the music.
246
00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:16,241
That wasn't you singing
The Frog Chorus on the karaoke
last night, was it? No.
247
00:15:16,281 --> 00:15:19,361
You can have a crack at it tonight.
It's a karaoke competition.
248
00:15:19,401 --> 00:15:23,841
Some people may call me a monster,
others may do worse,
249
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:27,241
but I will NEVER be accused
of being a coward.
250
00:15:28,401 --> 00:15:30,721
Coward Of The County! Kenny Rogers!
Brilliant!
251
00:15:30,761 --> 00:15:33,841
I'll put you down for that one!
Eh?
252
00:15:33,881 --> 00:15:38,601
♪ Everyone considered him
the coward of the county... ♪
253
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:44,761
Hello.
I thought you'd done a runner.
254
00:15:44,801 --> 00:15:47,361
It's Martin, isn't it?
Er... Yes.
255
00:15:47,401 --> 00:15:50,241
Yes, it is.
Sit down.
256
00:15:52,361 --> 00:15:54,801
I'm Tonya. Bianca's mother.
257
00:15:54,841 --> 00:15:57,281
Hello.
Now...
258
00:15:57,321 --> 00:16:00,441
You know why I want to talk to you,
don't you? Yes.
259
00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:02,481
Yes, sir, I do.
Good.
260
00:16:02,521 --> 00:16:05,481
Because Bianca told me
basically what you've done,
261
00:16:05,521 --> 00:16:09,441
but I was wondering whether
you'd be willing to go into details.
262
00:16:09,481 --> 00:16:11,801
What?!
Unless you'd prefer not to.
263
00:16:11,841 --> 00:16:14,881
I'm not proud of what I've done.
You're not?
264
00:16:14,921 --> 00:16:17,801
No, I'm not.
And I know it's no excuse, but...
265
00:16:17,841 --> 00:16:21,361
I was very drunk at the time, and I
can barely remember what happened.
266
00:16:21,401 --> 00:16:23,561
So you have regrets
about the whole thing?
267
00:16:23,601 --> 00:16:25,601
Of course I have regrets.
268
00:16:25,641 --> 00:16:27,681
My life is in tatters!
269
00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:30,281
I think I've got an idea
of what you're going through.
270
00:16:30,321 --> 00:16:32,601
Really?!
Yeah.
271
00:16:32,641 --> 00:16:37,161
My business partner always had
a fantasy about doing it,
272
00:16:37,201 --> 00:16:39,601
and then the opportunity
presented itself,
273
00:16:39,641 --> 00:16:42,401
but he pulled out,
right at the last minute,
274
00:16:42,441 --> 00:16:45,641
because he realised
the whole thing was illegal.
275
00:16:45,681 --> 00:16:48,241
How can you talk so calmly
about this?
276
00:16:48,281 --> 00:16:50,321
Do you think
you'll need a solicitor?
277
00:16:51,881 --> 00:16:53,761
That's entirely down to you.
278
00:16:53,801 --> 00:16:56,441
What's that got to do with us?
It's your villa.
279
00:16:58,081 --> 00:17:01,881
I beg your pardon? How would we know
if you need a solicitor?
280
00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:05,561
Look, I've built more houses
than you've had hot dinners,
281
00:17:05,601 --> 00:17:08,201
but I don't know a thing
about building in Spain.
282
00:17:08,241 --> 00:17:11,721
You wanted to ask me
about building a house in Spain?
283
00:17:11,761 --> 00:17:15,121
Well, Bianca said you'd done it
and you wouldn't mind having a chat.
284
00:17:15,161 --> 00:17:17,281
What did you think
I was talking about?
285
00:17:18,441 --> 00:17:20,321
Drinks, anyone?
286
00:17:20,361 --> 00:17:23,721
Yeah, go on, then, I'll have one.
Yeah, same again.
287
00:17:23,761 --> 00:17:26,401
Do you want to give me a hand,
Martin? Yes.
288
00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:31,961
What was all that about?
289
00:17:32,001 --> 00:17:35,601
I've no idea.
The man is completely deranged.
290
00:17:35,641 --> 00:17:37,641
Well, you'll get on well.
291
00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:42,561
What was all that about?
You told me you were 16! What?!
292
00:17:42,601 --> 00:17:46,601
"Aren't you going to wish me
a happy birthday? It's not
every day a girl turns 16."
293
00:17:46,641 --> 00:17:51,041
It was a joke! Do I look 16?
No, but... I don't know.
294
00:17:51,081 --> 00:17:53,121
I was very confused!
295
00:17:53,161 --> 00:17:56,081
Did you tell them we... er...?
296
00:17:56,121 --> 00:17:58,201
No, I didn't.
It's none of their business.
297
00:17:58,241 --> 00:18:01,801
My dad was talking
about Spanish property.
I said you built your own villa.
298
00:18:01,841 --> 00:18:06,121
Oh, my God. And now your parents
think I'm some kind of pervert.
299
00:18:06,161 --> 00:18:08,761
Are you saying you're not?
300
00:18:08,801 --> 00:18:12,121
No! I may be many things,
but I am not a pervert.
301
00:18:12,161 --> 00:18:14,361
Can I get you two a drink?
302
00:18:14,401 --> 00:18:18,121
Pint of lager, Bacardi and coke,
diet coke, and...?
303
00:18:18,161 --> 00:18:21,441
Water, please. Still water.
That's all you're having?
304
00:18:21,481 --> 00:18:24,081
Yes. I feel... very sick.
305
00:18:24,121 --> 00:18:27,441
Ahhh! That'll be them Angry Dwarfs
you were guzzling earlier.
306
00:18:29,721 --> 00:18:31,721
It's a drink!
307
00:18:43,081 --> 00:18:45,081
Yes! Game!
308
00:18:46,401 --> 00:18:48,161
Gracias!
309
00:18:48,201 --> 00:18:51,201
Hey, you're really good.
You're not too bad yourself.
310
00:18:52,201 --> 00:18:56,161
Excuse me, boss.
Have you got a book going
on this volleyball competition?
311
00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:59,561
We have no books. This is
a holiday resort, not a library.
312
00:18:59,601 --> 00:19:01,841
Not a reading book,
a gambling book.
313
00:19:01,881 --> 00:19:04,361
Are you taking bets?
Yeah, of course.
314
00:19:04,401 --> 00:19:06,401
Are you a team?
Yeah.
315
00:19:07,321 --> 00:19:09,721
I give you two to one.
You're joking.
316
00:19:09,761 --> 00:19:14,281
Have you seen this skinny runt?
He can hardly lift his hands
above his head. Oh, thanks!
317
00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:16,201
You can give us better odds
than that.
318
00:19:16,241 --> 00:19:19,041
Two to one. Leave it or take it.
319
00:19:19,081 --> 00:19:20,961
Give us 50.
320
00:19:21,721 --> 00:19:23,721
Come on!
321
00:19:24,361 --> 00:19:26,801
Hundred euros at two to one.
322
00:19:26,841 --> 00:19:31,041
If we win, we get 200 euros
plus our 100 euro stake back.
323
00:19:31,081 --> 00:19:34,041
I cannot take this.
The bet is too large.
324
00:19:34,081 --> 00:19:36,081
Are you wimping out on us?
325
00:19:36,121 --> 00:19:38,401
Oh, my God!
326
00:19:38,441 --> 00:19:41,761
Oh, yeah? Are you playing
in fancy dress?
327
00:19:41,801 --> 00:19:45,321
Not fancy dress, my friend.
Anti-gravity boots.
328
00:19:45,361 --> 00:19:47,961
Unless they're against the rules?
329
00:19:49,801 --> 00:19:51,641
No. There are no rules.
330
00:19:51,681 --> 00:19:53,841
You are playing
these two guys here.
331
00:19:53,881 --> 00:19:56,561
Wait a minute! This ain't fair!
I want my money back.
332
00:19:56,601 --> 00:20:01,881
I'm sorry. Once a bet has been
placed, money cannot be returned
until you have played.
333
00:20:01,921 --> 00:20:03,921
Thank you for your business.
334
00:20:16,201 --> 00:20:18,161
I've got it.
335
00:20:18,201 --> 00:20:21,001
Right, we borrow
a mobility scooter,
336
00:20:21,041 --> 00:20:23,921
we pop her on it, in a big hat,
we drive her across the road,
337
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:26,361
and we sit her at the bus stop.
And then what?
338
00:20:26,401 --> 00:20:28,841
And then we leave her there.
We can't do that!
339
00:20:28,881 --> 00:20:30,761
Have you got a better idea?
340
00:20:30,801 --> 00:20:33,601
Could we not say she died
in the salon? It wasn't our fault.
341
00:20:33,641 --> 00:20:36,841
Oh, yeah, great idea!
Come to Blow'n'Go, the only salon
342
00:20:36,881 --> 00:20:40,001
where you can choose which
dead pensioner to sit next to!
343
00:20:43,561 --> 00:20:46,281
Right, you wait in there,
I'll snaffle a scooter.
344
00:20:46,321 --> 00:20:49,001
I'm not sitting in there
with a dead body! Shhh!
345
00:20:49,041 --> 00:20:52,001
Keep your voice down!
Do you want to ruin me? Stupid boy!
346
00:20:52,041 --> 00:20:54,041
I'll be back in a minute.
No, no...
347
00:21:19,721 --> 00:21:21,481
The score is 21 to six.
348
00:21:21,521 --> 00:21:24,481
How's it fair when they've got
big bouncy shoes on?
349
00:21:24,521 --> 00:21:27,801
Did you make the rules? No!
So be quiet.
350
00:21:27,841 --> 00:21:30,681
Smash him in the face, Mick!
What's that gonna solve?
351
00:21:30,721 --> 00:21:33,601
Sorry, I forgot, it's not just
your teeth that are yellow.
352
00:21:33,641 --> 00:21:37,041
Leave it, the pair of you. I know
whose face I'll smash in a minute.
353
00:21:37,081 --> 00:21:38,761
I said pack it in!
354
00:21:38,801 --> 00:21:42,081
Will you all shut up? We're trying
to concentrate! Come on, son!
355
00:21:42,121 --> 00:21:44,161
Come on. Michael!
Come on! You can do it!
356
00:22:08,841 --> 00:22:11,121
Sorry.
No, no, you go ahead, pal.
357
00:22:13,121 --> 00:22:17,841
They're creaming us.
Not the best choice of words wi'
those two, but I know what you mean.
358
00:22:17,881 --> 00:22:20,441
It's only a game, Michael.
Yeah.
359
00:22:20,481 --> 00:22:22,281
Yeah, it's only a game, son.
360
00:22:22,321 --> 00:22:24,881
It's not, though. It...
361
00:22:24,921 --> 00:22:27,401
Me and Tiger bet all our holiday
money on us to win.
362
00:22:27,441 --> 00:22:30,161
You've got to be joking?!
Who did you bet with?
363
00:22:30,201 --> 00:22:32,201
The barman.
364
00:22:40,841 --> 00:22:43,681
Excuse me! Can I help you?
365
00:22:45,921 --> 00:22:49,361
I was just wondering if there's any
chance of saying hello to the dame.
366
00:22:49,401 --> 00:22:52,361
What dame?
Dame Judi.
367
00:22:52,401 --> 00:22:55,361
Oh! Oh, oh...
No, no, she's gone now.
368
00:22:55,401 --> 00:22:58,241
No, she hasn't.
I've just seen her slippers.
369
00:22:58,281 --> 00:23:02,361
Well, she doesn't like
being bothered by the public.
That's why she comes to us.
370
00:23:02,401 --> 00:23:05,761
I understand, but, believe me,
discretion runs in my family.
371
00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:08,041
My father once spent a year
372
00:23:08,081 --> 00:23:10,281
rebuilding
Hughie Green's swimming pool,
373
00:23:10,321 --> 00:23:13,761
but I never heard him
breathe a word about it in public.
374
00:23:13,801 --> 00:23:19,361
As Hughie always said, you can't
do laps in a teardrop-shaped pool.
375
00:23:19,401 --> 00:23:22,321
I have no idea what you're
talking about. A quick picture?
376
00:23:22,361 --> 00:23:24,361
No!
Spoilsport!
377
00:23:24,401 --> 00:23:28,041
Ha-ha-hang... Hang on... Hang on...
Hang on a minute! Yes?
378
00:23:28,081 --> 00:23:30,961
I could possibly get you in
for a QUICK hello...
379
00:23:31,721 --> 00:23:35,801
..but there are certain protocols
when it comes to celebrities.
380
00:23:35,841 --> 00:23:39,841
Oh, please, I have had
Christmas dinner with Kenny Lynch.
381
00:23:39,881 --> 00:23:42,321
Oh. Erm... So... so...
382
00:23:42,361 --> 00:23:44,361
imagine...
383
00:23:45,401 --> 00:23:50,561
Imagine I'm Dame Judi.
You come in... and what do you say?
384
00:23:50,601 --> 00:23:53,361
Welcome to the Solana, Dame Judi.
385
00:23:53,401 --> 00:23:56,001
Ah... Erm... Not bad.
386
00:23:56,041 --> 00:23:58,761
I think
a small curtsey might be in order.
387
00:23:58,801 --> 00:24:02,281
Curtsey? She's not the Queen.
No, but she once played the Queen.
388
00:24:02,321 --> 00:24:05,801
Erm... Good evening, Dame Judi.
389
00:24:05,841 --> 00:24:07,721
Yes... Yes...
390
00:24:07,761 --> 00:24:10,921
I think Dame Judi
would be very pleased.
391
00:24:10,961 --> 00:24:13,361
Well, let's go,
cos I have got a hotel to run.
392
00:24:14,041 --> 00:24:15,841
Ooh!
393
00:24:18,961 --> 00:24:20,881
Where is she?
Who?
394
00:24:20,921 --> 00:24:23,601
Dame Judi!
Oh, you've just missed her.
395
00:24:23,641 --> 00:24:26,761
You're joking!
I've got changed and everything.
396
00:24:26,801 --> 00:24:29,961
But we do have another celebrity
coming in next week. Who is it?
397
00:24:30,001 --> 00:24:31,841
It's... erm...
398
00:24:31,881 --> 00:24:33,761
Ooh, let me think.
399
00:24:33,801 --> 00:24:35,961
Madonna!
400
00:24:37,681 --> 00:24:39,481
Madonna?
401
00:24:39,521 --> 00:24:42,201
You are joking?
Strictly entre nous!
402
00:24:43,041 --> 00:24:44,761
Oh!
403
00:24:44,801 --> 00:24:48,641
I'll make sure there's fresh flowers
in reception every day!
404
00:24:48,681 --> 00:24:50,001
Ooh!
405
00:24:54,281 --> 00:24:57,401
Madonna?! I panicked.
We could always get a looky-likey.
406
00:24:57,441 --> 00:25:01,841
I don't think Lesley with her hair
in a top knot and ice cream cornets
for tits will do.
407
00:25:07,822 --> 00:25:09,822
Oh, silly boy!
408
00:25:11,561 --> 00:25:15,841
OK, this is the match point.
Donald and Jacqueline to serve.
409
00:25:15,881 --> 00:25:18,421
Come on, son! You can win this!
410
00:25:18,456 --> 00:25:21,776
What do you mean, "you can win
this"? We're 19 points behind.
411
00:25:23,416 --> 00:25:26,096
Game! Donald and Jacqueline.
412
00:25:26,136 --> 00:25:27,576
Bravo.
413
00:25:27,616 --> 00:25:30,016
What do you think you're doing?
He wasn't ready!
414
00:25:30,896 --> 00:25:33,136
Oi! Come on, play that point again.
415
00:25:33,176 --> 00:25:35,176
That's not fair!
416
00:25:41,056 --> 00:25:43,736
Hang on a minute.
What's the matter, Mother?
417
00:25:43,776 --> 00:25:46,096
Where's my scooter?
418
00:25:49,736 --> 00:25:52,776
I'm not sure I've made a very good
impression on your family.
419
00:25:52,816 --> 00:25:55,336
There's still time
to make a better impression.
420
00:25:55,376 --> 00:25:58,016
How am I going to do that?
By taking me out tonight.
421
00:25:58,056 --> 00:26:01,336
Wanna go to the karaoke competition?
No, I bleedin' well don't.
422
00:26:01,376 --> 00:26:05,856
Last night you said
we're a good match because we both
appreciate the finer things in life.
423
00:26:05,896 --> 00:26:08,576
Did I? I mean, yes, I did. I do.
424
00:26:08,616 --> 00:26:14,136
So... where are you taking me?
Benidorm doesn't have much to offer
in the way of a glamorous evening.
425
00:26:14,176 --> 00:26:16,216
Better get your thinking cap on,
then.
426
00:26:16,976 --> 00:26:19,456
Ooh, yes, where is my cap?
427
00:26:19,496 --> 00:26:21,816
I think I may have left it
on the bar!
428
00:26:24,536 --> 00:26:26,536
That was a complete washout.
429
00:26:26,576 --> 00:26:28,736
Cheating bastards!
430
00:26:28,776 --> 00:26:31,696
How much money did you lose?
It doesn't matter.
431
00:26:31,736 --> 00:26:34,656
I never asked you if it mattered.
I asked you how much.
432
00:26:35,216 --> 00:26:37,216
How much? More than 50?
433
00:26:37,296 --> 00:26:39,256
A hundred.
A hundred euros?
434
00:26:39,296 --> 00:26:41,136
He saw you coming.
435
00:26:41,176 --> 00:26:44,696
I bet they were in on it.
That barman and that freaky couple.
436
00:26:44,736 --> 00:26:46,496
Where's your chap?
437
00:26:46,536 --> 00:26:48,536
He's not my "chap"!
438
00:26:49,176 --> 00:26:51,016
He's at the bar.
439
00:26:51,056 --> 00:26:54,576
Bit wet behind the ears for someone
his age, but he's got a few quid.
440
00:26:54,616 --> 00:26:57,136
I don't care if he's
"got a few quid" or not.
441
00:26:57,176 --> 00:27:01,736
I said that about your father.
Even I believed it, at first.
442
00:27:03,416 --> 00:27:05,776
Don't worry, son.
I'll get your money back.
443
00:27:05,816 --> 00:27:09,896
I've got more tricks up my sleeve
than Paul Daniels. Who's he?
444
00:27:09,936 --> 00:27:14,296
In other words, as Baldrick would
say, I have a cunning plan.
445
00:27:14,336 --> 00:27:16,376
Who's Baldrick?
446
00:27:16,416 --> 00:27:18,096
Forget it.
447
00:27:21,496 --> 00:27:23,216
Here you go, fella.
448
00:27:23,256 --> 00:27:26,296
Same again, plus another
bottle of water for yourself.
449
00:27:26,336 --> 00:27:30,096
Hey. You go steady on that stuff
or you'll be getting out of hand!
450
00:27:31,616 --> 00:27:35,736
Mr and Mrs Stewart. Looking very
natty today! What can I get you?
451
00:27:35,776 --> 00:27:40,936
Thank you, Lesley.
We're celebrating, so I think
we'll go for the good stuff.
452
00:27:40,976 --> 00:27:43,016
Can you do two black Russians?
453
00:27:43,056 --> 00:27:46,296
Aye, with a couple of hours' notice
and a fag break between 'em!
454
00:27:46,336 --> 00:27:48,496
Very good!
455
00:27:48,536 --> 00:27:53,216
Are you sure we can't tempt you with
something a little harder, Martin?
456
00:27:53,256 --> 00:27:56,496
I'm fine, thanks.
Did your friends get off OK?
457
00:27:56,536 --> 00:27:58,896
Yes, fine, thank you.
Shame.
458
00:27:58,936 --> 00:28:03,656
There's so much more of Benidorm
we could've shown them. I'm sure.
459
00:28:03,696 --> 00:28:09,536
I don't suppose you know of anywhere
in Benidorm I can take a young lady
for quite a sophisticated evening?
460
00:28:13,736 --> 00:28:17,336
Sorry, I think that might have been
a slightly misjudged question.
461
00:28:17,376 --> 00:28:20,216
No, hang on a minute.
What about the casino?
462
00:28:20,256 --> 00:28:23,376
There's a casino?
Oh, yes. Just outside Benidorm.
463
00:28:23,416 --> 00:28:27,056
We've never been,
but we hear it's quite the place.
464
00:28:27,096 --> 00:28:29,176
Donald and I don't gamble.
465
00:28:29,216 --> 00:28:34,216
We once lost £11 on a fruit machine
in Billingham.
466
00:28:34,256 --> 00:28:37,976
Jacqueline, please!
You'll trigger the flashbacks again.
467
00:28:38,016 --> 00:28:42,296
Casino...
Yes, that sounds great. Thanks.
468
00:28:42,336 --> 00:28:44,736
I'm sure
there's a leaflet in reception.
469
00:28:44,776 --> 00:28:47,096
Here, you can borrow this.
470
00:28:47,136 --> 00:28:49,896
It's my lucky coin!
471
00:28:49,936 --> 00:28:55,576
How's it lucky? I found it
the night I met Jacqueline.
472
00:28:55,616 --> 00:29:00,816
Surely there can't be any more luck
left in this tiny coin, after that.
473
00:29:00,856 --> 00:29:04,016
Have a good evening.
Thanks. I will.
474
00:29:04,056 --> 00:29:06,576
Two black Russians.
Oh, thanks, Lesley!
475
00:29:06,616 --> 00:29:10,016
Now, shall we take these upstairs
476
00:29:10,056 --> 00:29:13,376
and slip into a little something
even more uncomfortable?
477
00:29:13,416 --> 00:29:15,416
Ooh, yes!
478
00:29:30,016 --> 00:29:32,976
♪ ..two drifters
479
00:29:33,016 --> 00:29:35,896
♪ Off to see the world
480
00:29:36,696 --> 00:29:40,696
♪ There's such a lot of world
to see...
481
00:29:40,736 --> 00:29:43,176
What is he doing?
I don't know.
482
00:29:43,216 --> 00:29:47,016
He's not exactly Placido Flamenco,
but he's never sounded as bad as this.
483
00:29:47,056 --> 00:29:49,856
This is embarrassing.
I'm off for a wander.
484
00:29:49,896 --> 00:29:52,176
No, you're not!
I'm not sitting here on my own.
485
00:29:52,216 --> 00:29:56,136
You're not on your own. SHE'S here.
"She" is going out with her fella.
486
00:29:56,176 --> 00:29:59,936
What time are you going, princess?
He's not my fella.
I'm having a night out.
487
00:29:59,976 --> 00:30:02,456
Listening to this, thank God!
488
00:30:02,496 --> 00:30:04,936
♪ ..riverrrrr....
489
00:30:04,976 --> 00:30:07,896
Right, I think I've made him wait
long enough.
490
00:30:07,936 --> 00:30:10,536
Don't do anything
to make him think you're a slag.
491
00:30:10,576 --> 00:30:12,816
Oh, sorry! I didn't see
what you was wearing.
492
00:30:15,376 --> 00:30:18,616
Anyone ever told you
that you're really, really funny?
493
00:30:18,656 --> 00:30:21,496
Yeah, loads of people.
They lied!
494
00:30:21,536 --> 00:30:25,136
See you later, Momma.
Have a lovely time, princess.
495
00:30:25,176 --> 00:30:27,576
♪ ..heartbreaker...
496
00:30:27,616 --> 00:30:29,576
What's she going out
with that knob for?
497
00:30:29,616 --> 00:30:32,336
When I was your age, do you know
which man I lusted after?
498
00:30:32,376 --> 00:30:35,016
No, and please don't tell me.
Jon Bon Jovi!
499
00:30:35,056 --> 00:30:36,896
No idea who that is.
Don't wanna know.
500
00:30:36,936 --> 00:30:39,496
Oh, he had the most perfect lips!
501
00:30:39,536 --> 00:30:42,336
And his body...
Oh, my God, his body!
502
00:30:42,376 --> 00:30:44,576
Please stop talking.
And of course his voice.
503
00:30:44,616 --> 00:30:46,616
Not as bad, but please wind it up.
504
00:30:46,656 --> 00:30:49,136
Ohhh, I wanted to marry
Jon Bon Jovi!
505
00:30:49,856 --> 00:30:54,816
And then I met your father.
Do you know the difference between
your father and Jon Bon Jovi?
506
00:30:54,856 --> 00:30:58,576
From the way you've described him,
they sound separated at birth!
507
00:30:58,616 --> 00:31:01,136
Jon Bon Jovi is what I wanted,
508
00:31:01,176 --> 00:31:05,456
but your father...
was what I needed.
509
00:31:05,496 --> 00:31:07,696
Think about that.
510
00:31:07,736 --> 00:31:10,696
I'll think about it, if you promise
never to mention it again!
511
00:31:10,736 --> 00:31:12,856
Ooh!
Urrrrgh!
512
00:31:12,896 --> 00:31:17,296
♪ ..ah-ah-arr-and...
513
00:31:17,336 --> 00:31:22,296
♪ ..me-ee-ee-eee ♪
514
00:31:31,296 --> 00:31:33,296
Hello.
515
00:31:34,976 --> 00:31:37,336
You look... radiant.
516
00:31:37,376 --> 00:31:40,296
Radiant? Isn't that what you say
when somebody's pregnant?
517
00:31:40,336 --> 00:31:43,816
No, no, it means...
luminous, lustrous.
518
00:31:44,856 --> 00:31:46,856
Incandescent!
519
00:31:48,056 --> 00:31:50,776
Lovely. You... You look lovely.
520
00:31:50,816 --> 00:31:52,496
Right.
521
00:31:52,536 --> 00:31:54,896
So where we going?
Ah-ha!
522
00:31:54,936 --> 00:31:57,736
THAT... is a surprise.
523
00:32:02,496 --> 00:32:06,656
Clive there with a fascinating
rendition of Moon River.
524
00:32:06,696 --> 00:32:09,976
If this were The X Factor, you'd
certainly be in the judges' houses.
525
00:32:10,016 --> 00:32:12,216
Mopping the floors!
526
00:32:12,256 --> 00:32:14,976
Now, our next competitor is Janice,
527
00:32:15,016 --> 00:32:18,576
singing Valerie
or, should I say, Valer-ay-ay-aaaay.
528
00:32:18,616 --> 00:32:22,856
Where is she? Oh! here she is.
Please give her a round of applause!
529
00:32:22,896 --> 00:32:25,016
Get me another drink in.
I'll need it.
530
00:32:25,056 --> 00:32:27,296
Go on, Mam!
Come on, Garvey!
531
00:32:34,056 --> 00:32:36,336
♪ Well, sometimes I go out...
532
00:32:36,376 --> 00:32:38,536
What did you think?
Shocking, weren't it?
533
00:32:38,576 --> 00:32:40,496
I've heard you do it better.
534
00:32:40,536 --> 00:32:44,616
I thought you'd got something
trapped. Ah! All part of my plan.
535
00:32:44,656 --> 00:32:48,616
What plan?
To get your money back.
536
00:32:48,656 --> 00:32:51,136
Now to deploy Phase Two.
537
00:32:52,936 --> 00:32:57,296
♪ ..since I've come on home
Well, my body's been a mess...
538
00:32:57,336 --> 00:33:00,216
Oh, Michael,
sort these songs out for me.
539
00:33:00,256 --> 00:33:02,696
I've never heard of any of 'em.
No.
540
00:33:02,736 --> 00:33:05,936
Don't you tell me no!
I'll put you across my knee!
541
00:33:05,976 --> 00:33:08,296
Shut up! My mam's singing.
# ..of me
542
00:33:08,336 --> 00:33:11,216
♪ Why don't you come on over,
Valerie?
543
00:33:11,256 --> 00:33:13,696
Mick, find me Spanish Eyes.
544
00:33:13,736 --> 00:33:15,896
Me and Mel used to do
a lovely Spanish Eyes.
545
00:33:15,936 --> 00:33:19,376
Can't you wait till Janice has
finished? No! I want to sing next.
546
00:33:19,416 --> 00:33:22,096
Well, you can't!
Put your name down, wait your turn.
547
00:33:22,136 --> 00:33:25,216
Will you both just shut up?!
Oh, frig the lot of you!
548
00:33:27,456 --> 00:33:29,376
What the hell
have you done that for?!
549
00:33:29,416 --> 00:33:32,336
I didn't do anything.
# ..put your house on up for sale
550
00:33:32,376 --> 00:33:34,896
♪ Did you get a good lawyer?
Oh, oh!
551
00:33:34,936 --> 00:33:38,176
Excuse me, mate.
Mum!
552
00:33:54,736 --> 00:33:56,536
♪ You make me feel so young
553
00:33:58,056 --> 00:34:00,536
♪ You make me feel
like spring has sprung... ♪
554
00:34:00,576 --> 00:34:02,576
OK...!
555
00:34:02,616 --> 00:34:04,616
What's your poison?
556
00:34:05,856 --> 00:34:08,936
What would you like to drink?
I'll have a champagne cocktail.
557
00:34:08,976 --> 00:34:10,496
Great, sounds great.
558
00:34:10,536 --> 00:34:14,736
- You heard the lady.
- Two champagne cocktails!
559
00:34:19,736 --> 00:34:22,096
Have... have you ever been
to a casino before?
560
00:34:22,136 --> 00:34:25,016
Only in Monte Carlo.
You've been to Monte Carlo? Wow!
561
00:34:25,056 --> 00:34:27,136
Cool. Cool.
562
00:34:28,096 --> 00:34:29,896
With a school trip or...?
563
00:34:29,936 --> 00:34:31,976
My ex-fiance had an apartment there.
564
00:34:32,016 --> 00:34:34,216
Really? Goodness.
565
00:34:34,256 --> 00:34:37,776
Two champagne cocktails.
Thank you. That's wonderful.
566
00:34:37,816 --> 00:34:40,656
I've got this... voucher...
567
00:34:40,696 --> 00:34:42,696
somewhere on my person.
568
00:34:43,656 --> 00:34:46,216
Yes, here it is. OK.
569
00:34:46,256 --> 00:34:50,016
I do believe this is valid
for two drinks before 9pm.
570
00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:53,576
It is less than one minute
before nine.
571
00:34:53,616 --> 00:34:55,416
Right, just in the nick of!
572
00:34:55,456 --> 00:34:58,696
You're paying for our drinks
with a voucher? Well, trying to!
573
00:35:00,696 --> 00:35:04,816
Sorry, can you read that a bit more
quickly? It's just that... You know?
574
00:35:05,736 --> 00:35:09,616
Senor, this drinks voucher
is valid for any two drinks...
575
00:35:11,656 --> 00:35:13,696
..with the exception of champagne.
576
00:35:13,736 --> 00:35:16,976
OK, well, these are champagne
cocktails, not just champagne.
577
00:35:17,016 --> 00:35:18,896
But let's not split hairs.
OK. Erm...
578
00:35:18,936 --> 00:35:22,016
Bianca, what other drink
would you like? I want this drink.
579
00:35:22,056 --> 00:35:24,016
Yes, that's fine.
I'll pay for these.
580
00:35:24,056 --> 00:35:26,136
What drink will you want
after that one?
581
00:35:26,176 --> 00:35:29,056
I...I don't know.
Right, well...
582
00:35:29,096 --> 00:35:32,776
I mean, can you decide? If it's not
champagne or a champagne-based drink,
583
00:35:32,816 --> 00:35:36,936
we may as well get it now, for free,
if you hurry up.
584
00:35:36,976 --> 00:35:40,176
I don't know what drink I -
Fine. Two gin and tonics, please.
585
00:35:41,696 --> 00:35:44,336
Would senor like to pay
for these drinks first?
586
00:35:44,376 --> 00:35:47,816
No, I wouldn't! I mean, yes,
I'm gonna pay for them, obviously.
587
00:35:47,856 --> 00:35:51,336
Can I use the voucher for the other
drinks first? Other drinks, senor?
588
00:35:51,376 --> 00:35:55,416
I asked for two gin and tonics,
paid for with the voucher.
You're stalling for time!
589
00:35:55,456 --> 00:35:58,976
I am sorry, senor, but this voucher
is only valid before...
590
00:36:01,256 --> 00:36:03,456
..nine o'clock.
Yes, thanks.
591
00:36:03,496 --> 00:36:06,376
Thanks a lot. Thanks a bunch, pal.
592
00:36:09,896 --> 00:36:12,136
Just... these drinks, then, please.
593
00:36:12,176 --> 00:36:14,096
That will be 28 euros, please.
594
00:36:14,136 --> 00:36:17,376
No, I don't want the gin and tonics,
just the champagne cocktails.
595
00:36:17,416 --> 00:36:20,856
That will be 28 euros, please,
senor.
596
00:36:27,656 --> 00:36:30,336
I will just get your change, senor.
597
00:36:31,056 --> 00:36:33,056
Yes, if you would.
598
00:36:34,176 --> 00:36:37,096
Shall we get some chips?
I'm not sure they do food.
599
00:36:37,136 --> 00:36:39,136
Gaming chips!
600
00:36:39,176 --> 00:36:41,176
Oh, right. Yes, of course. Yeah.
601
00:36:41,216 --> 00:36:43,816
I'm just waiting for my...
Where's he gone?
602
00:36:43,856 --> 00:36:47,016
Oh, he's doing this on purpose.
603
00:36:48,976 --> 00:36:50,976
OK, let's forget it.
604
00:36:51,016 --> 00:36:53,056
Forget about the change. It... it...
605
00:36:53,096 --> 00:36:55,296
You know, whatever!
It's not a problem.
606
00:36:59,296 --> 00:37:02,576
♪ Rubber ball,
I come bouncing back to you
607
00:37:02,616 --> 00:37:05,976
♪ Rubber ball, I come
bouncing back to you
608
00:37:06,016 --> 00:37:08,336
♪ Ah-hoo, ah-hoo!
609
00:37:08,376 --> 00:37:10,256
Here he comes. Are you ready?
610
00:37:10,296 --> 00:37:12,096
Oh! Ready.
611
00:37:12,136 --> 00:37:15,056
Excuse me! Can we have
some more drinks, please?
612
00:37:15,096 --> 00:37:17,856
Do you want the same again?
No, I think this time -
613
00:37:17,896 --> 00:37:20,176
Ooh, I've got it!
What about this one?
614
00:37:20,216 --> 00:37:22,776
♪ Near... Far...
615
00:37:22,816 --> 00:37:26,536
♪ Wherever you are
616
00:37:26,576 --> 00:37:30,536
♪ And you're here in my heart
617
00:37:30,576 --> 00:37:35,936
♪ And my heart will go on
618
00:37:35,976 --> 00:37:38,016
♪ Ah...
619
00:37:38,056 --> 00:37:40,936
♪ Oh-oh-oh...
620
00:37:44,056 --> 00:37:47,096
Please, can I take your order,
before my ears start to bleed?
621
00:37:47,136 --> 00:37:51,296
Oh, yeah. I tell you what,
we will have the same again.
622
00:37:51,336 --> 00:37:53,656
No problem.
Listen.
623
00:37:53,696 --> 00:37:57,256
I wanted to talk to you about the
money my son lost with you today.
624
00:37:57,296 --> 00:38:00,056
Your son lost his money.
This is the end of the story.
625
00:38:00,096 --> 00:38:02,096
A bet is a bet.
626
00:38:05,616 --> 00:38:08,496
What is going on?
That was the setup.
627
00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:10,736
Now we go in for the sting.
628
00:38:14,376 --> 00:38:17,056
♪ Bouncy, bouncy! Bouncy, bouncy!
629
00:38:17,096 --> 00:38:21,136
♪ Bouncy, bouncy! Eeeee-eee! ♪
630
00:38:22,660 --> 00:38:26,300
What is wrong with you? I can't stop
thinking about poor Maureen.
631
00:38:26,340 --> 00:38:28,700
What if she's still
out on the road?
632
00:38:28,740 --> 00:38:30,740
This may come across as uncaring,
633
00:38:30,780 --> 00:38:33,100
but I don't give a shit.
Not our problem any more.
634
00:38:33,140 --> 00:38:35,700
How can you be so heartless?
Practice!
635
00:38:37,900 --> 00:38:40,220
I can't help feeling
we let her down.
636
00:38:40,260 --> 00:38:45,100
For God's sake, forget about it.
The woman's dead! It's not like
she'll lodge an official complaint.
637
00:38:47,060 --> 00:38:48,820
Yes, love?
638
00:38:48,860 --> 00:38:50,780
Aaaarrrrghhh! Maureen!
639
00:38:50,820 --> 00:38:52,020
What?
640
00:38:52,060 --> 00:38:54,580
Aaaaargh!
641
00:38:54,620 --> 00:38:57,340
I'm so sorry, boys,
I didn't mean to startle you.
642
00:38:57,380 --> 00:38:59,620
I just want to pay
for my shampoo and set.
643
00:38:59,660 --> 00:39:03,220
You what? I must have
fallen asleep in the salon.
644
00:39:03,260 --> 00:39:06,460
12 euros for a pensioner
over the weekend, isn't it?
645
00:39:07,740 --> 00:39:10,620
Oh, do you know, it's terrible.
I'm getting so forgetful.
646
00:39:10,660 --> 00:39:13,020
I can't remember leaving.
647
00:39:13,060 --> 00:39:16,220
I knew I hadn't paid you,
cos the money was still in my purse.
648
00:39:16,260 --> 00:39:18,140
Mind you, swings and roundabouts.
649
00:39:18,180 --> 00:39:21,900
I lost my mobility scooter last year
but it turned up again. Really?
650
00:39:21,940 --> 00:39:27,660
It's no wonder I couldn't find it for so long.
I swore, when I bought it, it was red.
651
00:39:27,700 --> 00:39:29,700
See you next week!
652
00:39:31,620 --> 00:39:33,620
Oh, oh!
Oh, my God, I shit myself.
653
00:39:41,900 --> 00:39:44,900
Did you get some chips?
I certainly did.
654
00:39:46,060 --> 00:39:48,100
Wooo-hoooo!
655
00:39:48,140 --> 00:39:51,500
My grandma always said, "Two bites
of the cherry is better than one."
656
00:39:51,540 --> 00:39:54,980
Red or black? Not cherries.
I mean, on the roulette.
657
00:39:55,020 --> 00:39:58,020
I really don't mind.
Er...
658
00:40:00,900 --> 00:40:03,420
So... tell me a little more
about yourself.
659
00:40:03,460 --> 00:40:07,460
What do you want to know
that I didn't tell you last night?
As you know, I did get...
660
00:40:07,500 --> 00:40:10,260
a little bit tipsy last night,
so... er...
661
00:40:13,260 --> 00:40:15,060
I don't know anything about you.
662
00:40:16,060 --> 00:40:18,300
I'm 23.
Phew!
663
00:40:18,340 --> 00:40:20,780
I'm a beauty therapist.
Of course.
664
00:40:20,820 --> 00:40:22,820
But of course you are.
665
00:40:26,100 --> 00:40:27,740
Numero cuatro, negro.
666
00:40:27,780 --> 00:40:30,460
Bugger! Only one left. Red or black?
667
00:40:30,500 --> 00:40:33,860
You don't remember any of
the conversations we had? Er...
668
00:40:33,900 --> 00:40:35,780
Not in the true sense of the word.
669
00:40:35,820 --> 00:40:38,860
So you don't remember inviting me
to your villa tomorrow?
670
00:40:38,900 --> 00:40:40,900
Hagan sus apuestas.
Oh... God...
671
00:40:40,940 --> 00:40:44,140
Red or black? Red or black? Ermmm...
672
00:40:45,500 --> 00:40:47,660
Sorry. You were saying?
Your villa.
673
00:40:47,700 --> 00:40:50,380
Ah! Yeah. I'll have to check
with my mother.
674
00:40:50,420 --> 00:40:53,820
Your mother? Yeah. It's my mother's
villa. I'm going to visit her.
675
00:40:53,860 --> 00:40:58,300
She can be a little spiky
with people she doesn't know.
You said it was your villa. Did I?
676
00:40:58,340 --> 00:41:01,460
Oh, dear, I can get a little
carried away. I blame the drink.
677
00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:03,100
No va mas.
678
00:41:07,220 --> 00:41:09,020
Treinta y cinco, negro.
679
00:41:09,060 --> 00:41:10,660
Yes!
Argh!
680
00:41:10,700 --> 00:41:12,740
Oh, my God! I'm... I'm so sorry.
681
00:41:12,780 --> 00:41:15,660
Please let me help you up.
Get off me! I said get off me!
682
00:41:15,700 --> 00:41:19,020
I'm sorry. How about I cash in
and we grab a bite to eat?
683
00:41:19,060 --> 00:41:20,940
Cash in? You've won ten euros!
684
00:41:20,980 --> 00:41:23,340
Oh, look, you're soaking.
Leave me alone!
685
00:41:23,380 --> 00:41:27,820
Do me a favour, Martin.
Take your ten euros and go back
to your mother, where you belong.
686
00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:29,820
Bianca? Bianca!
687
00:41:35,100 --> 00:41:37,100
Oh, bum sticks!
688
00:41:44,620 --> 00:41:46,700
♪ If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eye Joe
689
00:41:46,740 --> 00:41:48,740
♪ I'd been married a long time ago
690
00:41:48,780 --> 00:41:50,700
♪ Where did you come from, where
did you go?
691
00:41:50,740 --> 00:41:53,700
♪ Where did you come from,
Cotton-Eye Joe...? ♪
692
00:41:55,780 --> 00:41:59,020
Our very own Lesley
with Cotton-Eye Joe.
693
00:41:59,060 --> 00:42:01,500
Well, the competition's
really hotting up.
694
00:42:01,540 --> 00:42:06,060
You're all rubbish,
but there's a lot of you!
695
00:42:06,100 --> 00:42:09,820
The thing is, the way they won the
volleyball just wasn't very fair.
696
00:42:09,860 --> 00:42:13,860
Nobody said anything about rules.
As I told you, a bet is a bet.
697
00:42:13,900 --> 00:42:16,740
OK, what about one last bet?
698
00:42:16,780 --> 00:42:19,020
You want to play volleyball?
699
00:42:19,060 --> 00:42:25,260
No. We get our hundred euros back
if my son wins the karaoke.
700
00:42:25,300 --> 00:42:28,300
And if he loses?
You get another hundred.
701
00:42:29,180 --> 00:42:32,100
No, but I will make it 200
if your wife wins!
702
00:42:32,140 --> 00:42:34,220
OK.
703
00:42:35,260 --> 00:42:38,180
Wait a minute.
Which one is your wife?
704
00:42:38,220 --> 00:42:41,820
OK, last on the karaoke
we have Tonya.
705
00:42:41,860 --> 00:42:44,060
Where are you, Tonya?
Ah, there we are.
706
00:42:44,100 --> 00:42:46,940
The one I've been sitting next to
all night.
707
00:42:46,980 --> 00:42:49,380
Sorry if it's confusing.
708
00:42:49,420 --> 00:42:51,860
Then, my friend, you have a bet.
709
00:42:58,780 --> 00:43:02,580
Who tickled your fancy? You look
like the cat who got the cream.
710
00:43:02,620 --> 00:43:05,460
Let us just say
I have had a very, very lucky day.
711
00:43:08,940 --> 00:43:11,700
♪ I don't wanna talk
712
00:43:13,180 --> 00:43:16,940
♪ About things we've gone through
713
00:43:16,980 --> 00:43:19,860
♪ Though it's hurting me
714
00:43:19,900 --> 00:43:24,900
♪ Now it's history
715
00:43:24,940 --> 00:43:28,060
♪ I've played all my cards
716
00:43:28,100 --> 00:43:30,300
Excuse me. Senor!
717
00:43:30,340 --> 00:43:32,340
Would you like something else?
718
00:43:34,900 --> 00:43:36,780
What have you got?
719
00:43:36,820 --> 00:43:39,340
I could do with a life.
720
00:43:39,380 --> 00:43:41,380
How about some dignity?
721
00:43:42,380 --> 00:43:44,180
Or maybe even...
722
00:43:44,220 --> 00:43:46,140
a little bit of luck?
723
00:43:46,180 --> 00:43:49,180
Senor, you are in a casino.
724
00:43:49,220 --> 00:43:51,420
There is only one winner here.
725
00:43:51,460 --> 00:43:53,460
You can say that again.
726
00:43:57,900 --> 00:44:00,300
♪ I was in your arms
727
00:44:02,100 --> 00:44:05,500
♪ Thinking I belonged there
728
00:44:05,540 --> 00:44:08,460
♪ I figured it made sense
729
00:44:09,100 --> 00:44:13,340
♪ Building me a fence
730
00:44:13,380 --> 00:44:16,380
♪ Building me a home
731
00:44:16,420 --> 00:44:20,940
♪ Thinking I'd be strong there
732
00:44:20,980 --> 00:44:24,020
♪ But I was a fool
733
00:44:24,060 --> 00:44:28,340
♪ Playing by the rules
734
00:44:28,380 --> 00:44:31,820
♪ The gods may throw the dice
735
00:44:32,460 --> 00:44:35,260
♪ Their minds as cold as ice
736
00:44:35,980 --> 00:44:39,460
♪ And someone way down here
737
00:44:39,500 --> 00:44:43,420
♪ Loses someone dear
738
00:44:44,180 --> 00:44:51,300
♪ The winner takes it all
739
00:44:51,340 --> 00:44:58,260
♪ The winner takes it
ah-ah-ah-oh-oh-oh-all
740
00:44:58,300 --> 00:45:02,260
♪ The winner takes it all
741
00:45:02,300 --> 00:45:05,620
♪ Whoa, oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh
742
00:45:05,660 --> 00:45:10,020
Oh... my... God.
743
00:45:10,060 --> 00:45:13,700
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ahhhhh!
744
00:45:13,740 --> 00:45:16,300
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh...
745
00:45:16,340 --> 00:45:19,820
♪ Oh, oh, oh, ooh, ooh
746
00:45:21,180 --> 00:45:24,980
♪ The winner takes it all
747
00:45:25,020 --> 00:45:27,660
♪ Ohhhhhh....
748
00:45:27,700 --> 00:45:29,260
♪ ..oh! ♪
749
00:45:31,300 --> 00:45:33,300
Oh, thank you!
750
00:45:34,309 --> 00:46:07,275
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