All language subtitles for Benidorm.S05E07.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES.eng

See you.

Do you know, you have got
a lovely face.

Why the horrible hair?
It's like crispy seaweed.

Oh, I shouldn't have said that.

I'm regretting
that beef fu yung.

Yeah. Aye. All right.

You've got beautiful eyes,
but you can hardly see 'em.

Why don't you come in and let me do a
lovely number two all over your head?

What?

Where are you going?

Oh, God, no. I meant a number two
haircut. I'm an hairdresser.

Oh. Bed.

Excuse me, young man, you couldn't
tell me which hotel's the Solana?

Er... yeah. This one here
with Solana written down it.

Oh, yeah.

Sort those out, will you, Neville?

No problem.

My apologies. Reading is neither my,
or my associate's, strong point.

Neither is brushing your teeth.

Morning.

Oh...

You're up and about early.

Now, I'm glad I've bumped into you,

because I have a hair appointment
at 11 o'clock,

and I wondered if I could move it
a bit earlier.

No, I'm sorry, love. I've had to
cancel all my appointments today.
I'm very ill.

Oh. Have you just come back
from the chemist?

No. Cafe Benidorm.

Oh, are they not doing coffees
in here yet?

No. Cafe Benidorm is a nightclub.

But it's eight o'clock
in the morning.

That's trapped wind, that is.

Not anymore.

That's why your stomach
is so enormous.

You need to get indoor, get on the
loo and have a ruddy good trump.

When you've quite finished dispensing
your medical advice,

I wonder if you'd kindly get out of
my way so me and my enormous stomach
can get to bed?

I didn't mean to be rude.

And I'd pick your feet up
if I were you,

cos if it is wind and it blows
as I walk past you,

Wait till your mother gets here.

Have you killed someone?
Don't be stupid.

Why else would you get us up at
eight for a family meeting? I don't
even know what a family meeting is.

You do now, cos we're having one.

What the frig is this all about?

It's eight o'clock in the morning.

If this family meeting doesn't
involve the words Euro millions,
there's gonna be trouble.

Have you all finished?

Whatever it is you want to say,
just hurry up and tell us.

Right.

Does anyone want a drink first?

No!
No!

Just get on with it!

He has killed someone.

Shut up.

When I had to stay behind to sort out
the sun bed shop that had the fire,

I didn't tell you the whole story.

Them cheap sun bed tubes that caught
fire in the Pickering Road branch,
well...

I put 'em in all the shops.

The morning you lot flew out to
Benidorm there was another four
fires.

Oh, another four sun beds
caught fire?

No.

The other four shops.

Mick, this isn't funny.

I know it isn't.

By dinner time, all five of Mel...

Madge's...

our sun bed shops...

had burnt to the ground.

Nobody was hurt, unbelievably. But...

there's more.

Oh God, I don't even know
how to say this.

We weren't insured.

Of course we're insured.
Don't be stupid.

You never paid the insurance
premium, did you?

No.

We've got absolutely nothing.

And it's all my fault.

Less than nothing, in fact.

Why didn't you tell us before?

Because he's nothing but a spineless
animal.

Someone who's gone through life
never thinking about anyone but
himself.

That's not true.

Well, what can I say?

Well done, Mick. You've left us all
without a pot to piss in.

Everything my Mel worked for in his
life, you've managed to destroy.

You've managed to make his life
pointless,

and my life worthless.

I regret the day I ever set eyes
on you.

I think that went quite well,
all things considered.

Kenneth. Kenneth.

Oh, come on, Kenneth.
Keep it together.

There is something I need to tell
you.

Open that door, will you, love?
If I can't even manage to put my key
in that lock in this state,

I'm glad I didn't go home with Big
Benny from The Carousel last night.

Last night, when you went clubbing,

Joyce, she had the locks
to the salon changed.

Why's that?

Oh, we haven't been broken into,
have we?

Have them kids been nicking perming
solution to sniff? What's wrong
with glue?

She say something about the rent.
You did not pay.

That's ridiculous. My rent's due on
the 12th. What date does that say?

Today is the 27th.

Oh,

well, I'm only a few days late,
I'm sure it can be sorted.

What the...

Get up! I know you're in there,
you vile old witch.

You've gone too far this time.
Open this door!

Argh!

Si? Que quieres? Mira que hora es!

Oh, my God.

Erm... can I speak to, please?

Vete! Que no es ingles. Vete.

Argh!

Yes? Can we help you?

Bloody hell! How many of you
are there in there?

Jacqueline and I are staying with
a few friends from the Benidorm
Circus.

Nothing terribly heavy, just
a contortionist, a couple of clowns
and a Mexican animal trainer.

Was there anything else?

What room number is this?

I believe it's 602.

I think the number may have fallen
off when we had to brace the door
last night.

Sorry. I need next door.

Not a problem.

Joyce?

Joyce!

Open this door now.

Do you hear me? Open this door!

What in God's name do you think
you're doing?

I might very well say the same to
you. What have you done to my salon?

I'm not discussing it here.

Oh, no, you don't, lady,
we'll sort this out here and now.

Oh, my God. When did this happen?

When did what happen?

When were you burgled?

Erm...

Last night.

Oh, Jesus, I'd better go
and check my apartment.

I'll see you downstairs.

It's not that bad.

Now, as you know, today, finally,
we have our hotel star rating
assessment.

That fourth star is so close
I can practically taste it.

Are you gonna give us the heads' up
when the assessor arrives? So we can
make sure he's looked after.

The assessor is already here.
She arrived yesterday morning.

Thankfully, I'm not as stupid
as you all look.

I have personally put her in the
penthouse suite on the 21st floor.

Didn't know we had a penthouse.
Didn't know we had a 21st floor.

She's been enjoying room service
ever since she arrived,

but there is no way she can award us
our four stars without checking all
the facilities.

I can give her room service. I don't
mind her checking my facilities.

Mrs Simmonds is a very
sophisticated woman.

I want you going absolutely
nowhere near her.

Lesley, I'm appointing you
to look after her.

Nay bother.
If any of the guests approach her,

I want them removed
from the building.

Right, I'm meeting her by the pool
in ten minutes. Class dismissed.

Temple-Savage, you bitch!

I have just spent the last 15
minutes trying to get into my room.

Your belongings have been packed
away and are in plastic bags in the
store room.

Don't make a scene, Mr DuBeke.
I don't wish to involve the police.

The police? I'm two weeks late with
my rent, not drowning holiday-makers
in the pool, you drama queen.

Mr DuBeke, please lower your voice.

We have a hotel assessor
in the building,

and I do not wish to have a full-on
cat fight in the middle of
reception.

Don't you?

Well, I bloody well do.

Argh! Arh!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

My jacket.
What have you done to my jacket?

Argh!

Ha!

Look!

Kenneth, what are you doing?

I think he's upset about something.

You wrinkly old bag!

Cow!

My hair! My hair! My hair!

Kenneth, he has, how you say?
Lost his plot.

He's lost his bloody mind.
He's definitely lost his job.

Oh, my God.

My teeth!

You've broken my front teeth!
Now who needs the police?

Now who needs the police, eh?

If you want a rematch, just whistle.

If you can.

She's broken my teeth.

Where are they?

Unbelievable.

I beg your pardon. I wonder if I can
have a moment of your time?

Yeah?

Are there any free day trips
on today?

Not that I know of. Where do you
wanna go?

My associate Neville and I are
looking for an old friend who we
believe to be holidaying here.

Oh, aye?
We can't find him,

so we think he scaled the wall
in a bid for freedom.

I'm so sorry to have troubled you.

Come, Neville. A meander to the
beach may be in order.

Bloody hell. I think Neville was
lucky to get time off from his job
frightening kids to bed, don't you?

Why don't we pretend I didn't tell
you for another 24 hours? Stupid to
ruin the last day of our holiday.

You haven't ruined the last day
of our holiday. You've ruined the
rest of our lives.

Why didn't you tell us before?

Because we'd have spent the whole
holiday with faces like smacked
arses.

He did the same thing to Nemo.

Who's Nemo?

When I was seven I had a goldfish.
It died while I was at school.

But my Dad didn't tell me till
I got home. I spent the whole day
thinking my pet goldfish was alive,

but he wasn't. He was dead.

But my dad didn't tell me.

Unbelievable.

One gin and tonic, very dry.

Which is more than can be said
for you.

I'm so glad you enjoyed our
little re-enactment of the battle
between the Moors and Christians.

So that wasn't you having a fight
with a large gay man who wanted to
kill you?

Oh, good gracious. No, no. That's
Kenneth, our beauty salon stylist.

He likes to help out, you know.

I take it that's you telling me
we've scored extra points for
realism?

Hello!

British newspaper going begging,
if anyone's interested.

Excuse me, would you mind leaving?

Well, I was just asking -
Lesley. Security.

I'm sorry, pet. I'm going to have to
escort you outside.

What have I done wrong?
It's only a newspaper.

I'm sorry about that.

Unfortunately, we have a lot of
holiday-makers here at the moment.

Yes, I had noticed.

Another drink?

I haven't had this one yet.

Well, have another one, anyway,
completely gratis.

Mateo, another drink for
Mrs Simmonds. And a bowl of nibbles,
if you please.

You mentioned...

Mateo's uncle roasts his own nuts,
you know.

Really? Yes, well that can happen
if one stands too close
to the barbecue.

Oh, no, I mean peanuts. He has
a little stall on...

Oh, I see what you mean.

And a glass of water too, I think,
Mateo.

Si, no problem.

Are you all right?

Absolutely fine.

Now, are you sure there's nothing
more we can do for you?

Well, you mentioned a beauty salon?

Yes. Erm... it's closed today, but
I can guarantee it will be up and
running first thing in the morning.

Oh, I'm checking out late
this afternoon.

But not to worry.

I'm going on to a hotel in Alicante
which has a four-star rating,

so I'm sure they will be able to
provide a manicure.

Oh, I...

Three months' free rent?

Forget it. Have you seen what you've
done to me? I'm taking legal advice.

Three months' free rent, two new
front teeth from my Swedish dentist
in Al Faz,

and unlimited use of the fax machine
in reception.

Unlimited use of the fax machine?
Who am I going to fax?

I don't know anybody living in 1987.

Six months' free rent, two new teeth
from the Swedish chef in Al Faz and
500 euros cash.

No way. Absolutely no way.

Think about it, Joyce.

How much do you want that fourth
star?

And how good would it look if you get
it after being here one week?

Four months' free rent,

two new teeth,

100 euros cash.

My final offer.

Done.

You can book Mrs La-di-dah in
for this afternoon.

I'm going outside for a fag.

I want a taxi in five minutes
to take me to Al Faz.

I'm going to see a man about
some teeth.

Why don't we all go to
the water park? My treat.

Your treat? Haven't you treated us
all enough?

Look, the point of being here
is to get away from our problems.

Yeah, we've got a lot to deal with,
but we're not home yet. We've still
got another day. We should enjoy it.

How can we enjoy anything when
you've left our lives in tatters?

Because it's our choice. It's up to
us. Don't you understand?

What happens tomorrow will be the
same whether we enjoy ourselves today
or sit here miserable.

No, I don't understand.

Why is he talking in riddles?
He's trying to wriggle out of
what he's done.

I'm not trying to wriggle out of it.

I've messed up big time. Bigger than
anything before, and I've said sorry
until I'm blue in the face.

Well, sometimes sorry just isn't
good enough.

What do you suggest I do?
Kill myself?

Wouldn't be a bad idea.
All right. That's enough.

Come here.

Why do you want Dad to kill himself?
Why did you say that?

Come and sit here.
I don't wanna sit there.

Nana, do you really want Dad
to kill himself?

It was his idea.
Think before you say things.

Don't you talk to me like that,
or I'll tan your backside for you.

No, you won't. You'll just sit there
tanning yourself, being nasty to the
people who look after you.

Look after me! That's a joke.

No, you're the joke. My Dad said
you say nasty things because you're
old, like that's an excuse.

I've worked it out. You say nasty
things because you are nasty -
simple as that.

Mick, get him and bring him here.
I'll cripple him.

Is that before or after he kills
himself?

I'll get him. Do you want a cup of
tea?

Mam?

Two sugars. Drop of brandy in it.

You know when a family's
got problems?

When you can't have a civilized
conversation without one of them
flying off the handle.

I just don't feel this is my true
vocation in life, Dad.

Nobody's saying it has to be, son.

We all do jobs from time to time
to make ends meet.

I don't want to spend the rest of my
life cleaning pools or fixing
showers.

Oi! Mateo!

Liam's thinking about leaving.
Tell him what a good job he's got.

You should keep this job.

See? You are too stupid
to work anywhere else.

Thank you.

I am serious. I have never met
anyone as stupid as you,

and most people I know are stupid.

Well, birds of a feather flock
together.

Ha!

You should not call them birds.
It is, how you say, bad politics.

Well, by all means, start looking
for something else,

but don't hand your notice in
till you've got another job.

If I don't give up this job now,
I might just stay in it forever.

Can you imagine the embarrassment
of working here in your 40s?

Or God forbid, your 50s?

Or beyond.

That'd be just... just sad.

Now, I wonder if I could trouble you

for a Diet Cola with no ice

and a slice of lime, please?

Hang on a minute. I'll just get my
dad.

Dad?

How old do I look?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

I mean, I'm not good at guessing
ages.

You know how old I am.

Then why are you asking me?

I'm not asking you how old I am,
I'm asking you how old I look.

You don't look your age.

That's because I'm not.

What?
I lie about my age.

So? Most people do.

By quite a lot.

You're not 50, are you?

What?

I don't know, you said 'a lot'.

Ooh, you nasty...

I'm spilling my drink!

Now, now, girls, play nicely.

We're only messing!

We had a saying when I was your
age...

'Make love, not war'.

All right, get up to the Bingo,
start sniffing around someone
your own age.

I was only...

Come on, Casanova, shift it.

Cheers, Lesley. The one chance she
gets this holiday to cop off with a
younger fella, and you balls it up.

You cow!

Well, how did you get on?

What do you think?

As colour matching goes, it's not
what you'd call undetectable.

These are only temporary.

It's very confusing that you don't
start every sentence with,
'What's up, Doc?'.

Oh, very funny.

What if I keep these front two this
colour and then change all the others
to match?

Perfect. Like the bastard love child
of Susan Boyle and Simon Cowell.

Right. I'd better be off. I've got
a VIP coming to the salon any minute
now.

What's a VIP?

VIP. Very Important Person.
So I can't sit here gassing
to you all day.

Oh, hello.

Oh, erm... sorry about this morning.
Slight mix-up with the room numbers.

No bother at all, was it,
Jacqueline?

Oh, no. Our door's always open to -
well, anyone really.

Yeah, or anything, judging by the
noises coming from your room.

Oh, you mean Adolfo.

Do I?

Adolfo, the Mexican animal trainer.

He lost all his animals in a flash
flood in the late '90s,

and now he does animal impressions
instead. Very convincing.

Very.

Although I see you do animal
impressions yourself.

What do you mean?

Eeeerm, what's up, Doc!

I wish people would stop saying that
to me.

Hm. Very busy in Ragtimes today.
You don't think we missed out
on any special offer, do you?

Oh, I hope not.

Excuse me, do you mind if my wife
and I nudged up against you?

Mr and Mrs Stewart.

I've finally tracked you down.

Again.

Hot Bovril.
Not for me, thanks.

I've just had a gin and tonic.

I mean your hair. I can
look at somebody and know
exactly what they'd suit.

And you looked at me and thought
Hot Bovril?

It's a new hair colour.

Although I think Hot Bovril might be
a shade too dark.

What about going ginger?

It didn't occur to me.

Mind you, you do have to be careful.

I had a woman in last week
who went for Honeycomb Shimmer.

Very thin, pale-faced woman
with a short crop and a nasty
pin stripe waistcoat.

She left looking like Steve Davis
the snooker player.

I actually need a manicure.

A manicure?

Yes.

That's not a problem.
I'll go and fetch... Sue.

You don't seem very convinced.

No, no, it's not a problem. I'm sure
she's around here somewhere.

Can I get you a complimentary
beef tea while you're waiting?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

One minute.

Mateo, I need you to do me a favour.

Another one? I am not your slave.

Oh, shut up. I need you to go to the
indoor market and see if Fat Sue's
in her shop.

Fat who?

Fat Sue. She runs that nail bar
just on the left as you go in.
It's called Get Nailed.

I am sorry, I cannot leave the desk.

We have a VPL in the hotel
and I have to be here in case
she rings down for something.

She's not gonna ring down, cos she's
in my salon. And it's a VIP.

Oh, Liam, love, I need a favour.
I've got the VIP in my salon
and I need someone to do her nails.

I'll do 'em, no problem.
So I need you to...

You what?

I do my Dad's nails all the time.

Do not mess about. This is a VIP.
I can't have her leaving looking like
she's been eating jam with her hands.

Seriously, I can do a French
manicure, a reverse French manicure,
European manicure...

Oh, my God, who'd have thought that
behind that little, pasty, ginger
face lies the mind of a genius.

Mwah.

Give me that bucket.

By the time we've finished with
Mrs Simmonds, she'll be giving us
five stars, not four.

Right. Come on.

Oh, and by the way, your name's Sue.

Excuse me, what do you think
you're doing?

Just having a chat.

You can't be in here
without an appointment.

I had an appointment this morning
at eleven, but you weren't open.

I'm glad we got that cleared up.
Off you pop. Come on.

But...
Lesley.

You must be Sue?

Yeah, I'm a boy named Sue. You know,
like in that Johnny Cash song?

Come on, Noreen, let's have you out
of here. We don't want any trouble.

That's my dad.
I do his nails as well.

Now, if you would kindly kick your
shoes off and stick your trotters
in this bucket.

What's in the bucket?

Mongolian bottom feeders.

I'll pass, if you don't mind.

I'm not asking you to sit in it.
It's the latest thing. Have you not
seen them in Benidorm?

I've been in my room writing.

Of course you have.

Well, what these little fish do
is chew off all the hard, scabby,
crusty bits off your feet.

You flatter me.

No, you won't flatten them.
They get out the way when you put
your feet in. Let me show you.

They appear to be dying.

No, they're just catching their
breath.

They're a bit wiffy. I've been out
on the town and I haven't had a bath
yet.

Oh.

Going anywhere nice
on your holidays?

So let me get this right.

You're asking us for a character
reference?

I'm afraid so.

My husband went to prison
because of you.

I realise on the face of it,
this does appear to be a slight
testing of friendships.

I don't remember us being friends.

Hang on, Jacqueline, let's hear what
he has to say.

Basically, the economic downturn has
hit all areas,

not least the Foreign Office.

My position here in Benidorm
is in jeopardy of being replaced
by a convoluted succession

of penny-pinching underlings.

I haven't a clue what that means.

Good British people like yourselves,
on holiday in Benidorm,

who find themselves in crisis,
will end up with no-one to turn to.

But surely we're the last people
you should be asking for help,
considering the circumstances.

Well, yes, it's just... I need to
present at least one case
from the last 12 months, and...

well, let's just say it's been a slow
year.

So basically,

you're going to get sacked from your
overpaid job of sitting on your bum,

sipping pink gins in a big house,

and you want us, who you helped get
convicted of fraud,

to save your job?

You're right, I'm asking too much.

I'm so sorry to have disturbed you.

We'll do it.

What?

Sorry? We'll be your character
witnesses. We'll save your job.

I'm not a heavily religious man,
but while in prison two things were
imprinted on my memory...

my number, Stewart 8369,

and the quotation, 'do unto others
as you would have them do unto you'.

Luke 3,61.

No, Stewart 8369.

I have some forms I'll need you to
fill in.

Can I invite you to the Consulate for
a gin? Pink or otherwise?

No, we prefer it here, thank you.

You're very welcome to drop by
Neptune's this evening.

We could put you down for some
karaoke.

But of course.

Until this evening.

Until this evening.

That was such a generous thing you
just did.

Most men would have told him
where to get off.

I'm not like most men.

Well, I've always said that.

Half an hour upstairs?

Oh, yes!

Mrs Simmonds, I trust you have
enjoyed your stay at the Solana,
Benidorm?

Yes, although I'm not too sure that
three people to help me with my
luggage was completely necessary.

Nothing is too much trouble
for a guest at the Solana Hotel.

Erm..I trust you enjoyed your visit
to our beauty salon?

It was an experience.

Wonderful. Now, I know you are
a very busy lady,

and you have another hotel to go on
to, but I just wanted to confirm
with you that, well,

we did enough.

I don't see how you could have done
more.

I know you've been holed up in our
luxurious yet homely penthouse suite
for most of the week,

and you've barely spent a day
enjoying all our little nooks
and crannies,

but I trust you will look upon
our efforts favourably

when assessing our facilities?

I assume you take American Express?

Oh, please. That won't be necessary.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, there's no charge.

Really?

Well, if you agree that our hotel
deserves a four-star rating,

there's no charge.

Well, if there's no charge, I'll
that agree you deserve a five-star
rating!

Let's not go mad. They might smell
a rat.

Well, then, if you're not going to
let me pay...

I don't usually do this, but...

at least accept this with my good
wishes.

Oh.

Well, I'm not much of a reader
myself. Thank you. Mateo!

See you again.

See you again. And who knows,
next time it could be a five.

Yes.

Bye.
Bye.

How did it go?

Get the Brasso out, Lesley. We might
have another star to polish.

Oh, champion!

Nice one!

Excuse me.

Yes, what is it, Mr Dixon?

I think it's about time
that I revealed myself.

Oh, my God!

Lesley! We've got a sex pest
in reception. Quickly!

All right, pal! Stop struggling.

I've got your number. I always had
you down as a bit of a nonce.

Hey, crazy man! I tell you before.
Joyce, do you want me to throw this
guy out?

What on earth is wrong with you?
Get off me!

I'm just trying to find my business
card.

Gerald Dixon, Hotel Assessor.

I'm here to give your annual star
evaluation.

And finally, the lavatories.

Lavatories were of minimal standard,
toilet paper, minimal standard,
inadequate hand-drying facilities,

and a forgettable atmosphere.

What kind of atmosphere do you
expect? It's a toilet, not a wedding
reception.

Despite all these findings,

I have good news.

Do you?

I'm a positive person with an
optimistic outlook on life.

If you can assure me all the
points will be acted upon...

Yes.

And I'm sticking out my neck
a little here,

but I will personally guarantee you
retain your three-star status.

What?

But you got through by the skin of
your teeth, mind.

We didn't get our four stars?

Four stars?

Oh, my goodness me, no.

No, I'm afraid you're very wide of
the mark

as far as four stars are concerned.

I'm terribly sorry.

But you simply don't have
the facilities.

Barbara Simmonds?

What?
Damn and blast. I knew it was her!

What are you talking about?

Barbara Simmonds,

the crime writer.

I called my wife this afternoon to
say that I thought I'd spotted her,

but she said, 'Don't be ridiculous,
what would Barbara Simmonds be doing
staying at a Solana hotel?'

But of course, her new novel
is supposed to be set
in the Costa Del Crime.

She's been scouring the underbelly
of Benidorm,

and mixing with the unclean.

It all makes sense.

Awful hotel, but
I can't fault the final bill.

Best wishes, Barbara Simmonds.

She never signed it?

What?

May I?

Oh, my goodness.

This never happens.

Barbara Simmonds never signs her
books.

I mean, simply never.

Well,

I think Bill Clinton is rumoured to
have one,

and of course, there's a signed copy
of Never A Lender in
The Smithsonian, but...

oh, my goodness.

So, this could be worth a few quid?

The monetary value is immaterial to
a collector,

but the prestige of having a signed
Simmonds...

Plus this is What Sasha Did Next.

The book that made her a star.

Well, maybe the book that made
Barbara Simmonds a star...

can make me one.

♪ You, you're such a big star to me

♪ You're everything I wanna be

♪ But you're stuck in a hole

♪ And I want you to get out

♪ I don't know what there is to see

♪ But I know it's time for you
to leave

♪ We're all just pushing along.. ♪

Where have you been? You said you
were coming straight down.

I've been sitting here
like a Billy-no-mates.

I was packing.
We're not going until tomorrow.

You haven't even started packing?

Two bikinis and a pair of flip-flops?
How long is that going to take to put
in a carrier?

You haven't enjoyed this holiday,
have you?

Of course I have. It's been great.

And tonight I think I might get
the icing on the cake.

♪ Let it shine

♪ Stop being so hard on yourself

♪ It's not good for your health

♪ I know that you can change

♪ So clear your head and come
round.. ♪

Here we are. The last supper.

Don't be dramatic, Mother.

Who's being dramatic?
We'll still be able to eat.

I'll remind you of that next week,
when we're scrabbling in the dirt,
begging for handouts.

I'll make everything all right.

Don't make me laugh.

You've always been the same -
useless.

Less than useless,
you're a liability.

And this time you've put the last
nail in the coffin for all of us.

Michael, where are you going?

Leave him. He'll be all right.
Let's eat our dinner.

Four star accreditation awarded
to The Solana, Benidorm,

in recognition of attaining
the required standard in food,

services, entertainment and overall
facilities.

Well, I don't know how you managed
it. If I'm honest, I didn't think you
could. But I take my hat off to you.

Is that what it is?

Well, look at you!

We are having five stars. I have to
look the part even on my night off.

Well, it's only four stars, but
who knows, this time next year...

This is for you.

Oh, Liam.

Well, it's the first, but I dare say
it won't be the last congratulations
card.

It's not a congratulations card.

It's my resignation.

I can't tell you how much this means
to me.

And I know this can't be an easy
thing to do, considering the
circumstances.

On the contrary, it's a pleasure.

One of the few CDs that I had
in prison

was that of the Irish tenor
Josef Locke.

Jacqueline and I had the good
fortune to have met him in the '70s.

Oh, yes, great pair of lungs on him.

My favourite song of his has always
been...

♪ If I can help somebody

♪ As I pass along

♪ Then my living

♪ Shall not be in vain ♪

I'd listen to that while lying on my
top bunk after a particularly nasty
beating from Mr Big.

A most poignant epigram, and one
I shall certainly remember in my role
as British Consul.

Hello, Donny. We've been searching
high and low for you.

Lenny.

I mean, Mr Chapman.

What on earth are you doing here?

I thought you still had two years
to serve.

Between you and me, Donny, I find
serving a full sentence terribly
inconvenient.

It interferes with my social life.

Trouble is, every time I've escaped
from prison, I've stayed in the UK.

I like my home comforts.
And they've always tracked me down.

So then I thought, 'I know, come to
Spain,'

and where better to settle down than
my little Donny's favourite
all-inclusive?

And of course, I'll still get my
home comforts,

because Donny knows how to
look after me.

Don't you?

I hope you booked them two weeks
like you said.

Neville and I would hate to have to
get our own drinks around the pool.

Who was that?

That is Lenny Chapman,

armed robber, grand larcenist

and professional giver of misery
and pain.

Also known as Mr Big.

Oh, no!

I hope you're all enjoying the party
atmosphere this evening at
Neptune's.

We have a lot to celebrate
here at the Solana,

having just been awarded a four-star
rating.

But it's not all good news.

I have to report the sad resignation
of a much loved member of staff.

Liam.

Thankfully, he's not going very far,
as he has just accepted an
apprenticeship with Kenneth DuBeke,

our multi-award-winning stylist...

at our four-star

beauty salon, Blow'n'Go.

And now for our first karaoke song
of the evening,

and I think it's a very appropriate
one,

please welcome Michael Garvey.

This song has got really nice words.

I mean... lyrics.

And I wanted to sing it tonight
cos...

well, I want my Dad to know...

I want my whole family,

my nana, my mam,

but especially my dad,

to know that we can get through
anything.

Because we always have done.

And no matter what happens,
we'll always have each other.

♪ When you walk

♪ Through a storm

♪ Hold your head

♪ Up high

♪ And don't

♪ Be afraid

♪ Of the dark.. ♪

How have you found your first
full holiday without Roy?

Troy.
Yeah.

I don't think a holiday on my own
is right for me.

You've always got a cast-iron
scrabble partner

if you've brought someone with you.

This wasn't really a holiday
on my own. I came here to see
Kenneth's new shop.

That's right.

So you and Roy will be back together
here in Benidorm next year?

Troy.

Yeah.
I don't know.

I think I may fancy something
a little bit more exotic next year.

I thought Roy was Indian.

You don't get more exotic than that,
do you?

I was talking about the holiday.
Oh.

♪ And you'll never walk

♪ Alone

♪ You'll never walk alone.. ♪

Hiya.

You all right?

Yeah. I suppose you saw me looking
over here.

I did.
Sorry, bit obvious.

Well, we're all responsible adults.

I usually do two or three gigs
a night, and have to dash.

I don't have a chance to
give anyone my number.

You've got the chance now,
haven't you?

Yeah.

So where is she?

Where's who?

The girl you sit with.
Nice-looking. Arm in plaster.

She's at the bar.

I'm on at Sandra's, so I'd better
go. Will you give her this?

Why wouldn't I?

Cheers.

♪ At the end

♪ Of a storm.. ♪

Hey! Watch what you're doing!

♪ And the sweet.. ♪

What was going on there?

I've no idea.
But I'm having their champagne.

Nice one.

To us.

♪ Walk on through the wind.. ♪

Listen, you know that singer,

he left you his number.

Did he?

Yeah. Here you go.

I'm all right, thanks.

He had to leave, cos he's singing at
another club now. If you wanna go,
I'm fine here.

Don't be stupid, it's our last
night.

For God's sake, don't treat me
like a maiden aunt,

It's make it worse.

Just go.

The club's called Sandra's.

All inclusive!

Are you really not interested?

No, he's a bit cheesy, isn't he?

I don't know. I didn't get the chance
to find out.

♪ You'll never walk.. ♪

I'd like to propose a toast.

To the Solana.

All four stars of it.

To the Solana.
Solana.

The Solana!

♪ You'll never walk

♪ Alone ♪