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1
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,000
Eva Braun's got them all hard at it
this morning, eh? Yeah.
2
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,440
That reminds me.
3
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,840
I might get the ladyshave out
and do my bikini line later.
4
00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:59,440
Second thoughts, I might leave it.
5
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,039
Good morning, everybody!
Joyce Temple Savage here,
6
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:12,599
saying Buenas Dias,
Senors and Senores.
7
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,879
She don't let up with them bloody
announcements, does she?
8
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:20,199
The woman's got no class. Not
got a clue how to run a business.
9
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,519
As my Mel used to say,
you've either got it or you've not.
10
00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:26,479
Isn't that what he used to say to
the bailiffs an' all?
11
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,119
I shall choose to ignore that.
12
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,559
Have you seen this? What?
13
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,239
Apparently there's a gang
going round Benidorm
14
00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,239
and kidnapping people off the
streets. Don't talk rot.
15
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,800
It'll be young slappers coming here
drinking themselves silly
16
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,720
and climbing into cars with fellas.
17
00:01:42,721 --> 00:01:46,279
No, it says here,
they're stealing people's organs.
18
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:51,599
'A young woman from Chorley
went missing for three days,
19
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:57,279
then turned up dazed and confused
in the car park behind the KFC.'
20
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,959
This is Benidorm, that's a good
night out, is that.
21
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,999
Claimed she'd been drugged
22
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,919
and had a big scar where her kidney
used to be. Bloody hell!
23
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,959
Oi, young man. Language!
24
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,599
You're not too old for smack
on the arse, you know.
25
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,720
It's big business! Kidneys, lungs!
26
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:18,240
It says here, 'Benidorm is becoming
the organ theft capital of Spain.'
27
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:24,159
Morning. Only me.
I'm sorry to be late.
28
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,999
I was half way down in the lift
29
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,840
and I realised I'd left my
tiddlywinks in the room.
30
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:35,480
Not to worry, I've got them now.
Is that one free?
31
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,519
Excuse me. Thank you.
32
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:45,479
Flaming heck, that gang didn't leave
a number, did they?
33
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,359
Staff announcement,
staff announcement,
34
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:51,519
would all members of the poolside
team please report to my office?
35
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:55,559
All poolside staff to la officina
por favor.
36
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,479
Gracias!
37
00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,279
I don't know what you see
in that drip!
38
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,519
I don't see anything.
Just cos I smiled,
39
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,439
it doesn't mean I'll be tugging
at his budgie smugglers!
40
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:09,279
There's no harm in a smile. I smile.
No, you snarl.
41
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,759
Call me old fashioned,
42
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,719
but I think a man likes a woman
to be feminine, lady like.
43
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,800
He doesn't want his date
to cup a fart,
44
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,040
and shout, 'Have a bite of that'!
Excuse me, I have never...
45
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,439
Oh, yeah. I bet you ten Euros
46
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:36,039
you can't go the whole day and night
being ladylike and polite.
47
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,639
20 Euros and you're on!
48
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:42,759
Right! 20 Euros it is!
No being rude, swearing,
49
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:46,199
clearing your nasal passages,
farting,
50
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,199
burping the theme tune
to The Simpsons
51
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,599
or showing violence
or threatening behaviour.
52
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,639
Violence? Like karaoke
the other night
53
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,080
when you grabbed
that bloke's knackers
54
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,360
and made him sing the Communards?
55
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,960
How long have I got to keep this up?
Til midnight tonight!
56
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,480
Hang on, give us a sec.
57
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,920
Oh.
58
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,640
You're on. Easy money.
59
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,079
The Solana can be
a four star hotel.
60
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,600
And in the words of Susan Boyle...
61
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:31,600
'I have a dream.'
62
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,159
This is about standards,
63
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:40,799
and I have invited the editor of
Costa Class, Victor St James,
64
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,839
to review The Solana.
65
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,079
Costa Class? I have never heard
of this.
66
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,719
Well, it's a Which Hotel magazine
for Spain.
67
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,679
A magazine for witches?
68
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,719
You English people are crazy.
69
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,999
This gentleman deals in top end
accommodation,
70
00:04:56,000 --> 00:05:00,639
so we have to show him how classy
and professional we are.
71
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,919
Well, I think I can speak
on behalf of all of us
72
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,239
when I say we've been working
our bollocks off,
73
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,759
so it's only a matter of time til
we are shitting class!
74
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:12,199
Yes, but we don't have any time,
because he's coming tonight!
75
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,279
Tonight? Hostia!
It was my night off!
76
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,919
I know it's very short notice,
77
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:20,839
but Mr St James expects the best,
so I've sent the chef home,
78
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,719
and Mateo I want you in the kitchen.
79
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:25,759
Sounds lovely,
80
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,959
but I think we'll stick to paella,
traditional Spanish.
81
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:33,679
Leslie, although Victor probably did
go to public school
82
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,879
and has seen it all, I think you
should take the night off
83
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:40,839
and allow Les to handle this.
Aw, god bless you, Mrs Savage.
84
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,839
I haven't had a night off for...
85
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:44,879
Oh, bollocks.
86
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,039
Liam, I am very impressed by how
calm you've been.
87
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,919
I thought you'd panic for sure.
88
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,679
Oh uh... Sorry.
89
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,680
The hedge trimmer was giving me a
migraine!
90
00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:57,680
Have we started yet?
91
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:07,359
Ok, here's another one.
92
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:13,199
I spy with my little eye something
beginning with "h".
93
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,359
Hotel? No.
94
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:19,479
Hand. Hands? No. Handbag? No.
95
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,119
Oh, I've got you all guessing now!
96
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,759
Are you having a guess, Mother?
Am I shite!
97
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,799
Come on. Leave her. She's miserable!
OK then...
98
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,839
How about "h" for how come
I've been sitting here 40 minutes
99
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,759
without you getting a drink in!
100
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,799
Bone idle you, Mick.
101
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,639
Can't even supply your own loved
ones with a round of drinks.
102
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:40,679
Of course I can.
103
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,359
Michael, go and get a round in,
there's a good lad.
104
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,359
Lazy bugger. How about you
getting me a drink for a change?
105
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,679
Ladies don't get the drinks in,
a gentleman does that.
106
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,039
My Mel was a gentleman,
107
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,679
never left me sitting without
a drink in my hand.
108
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:58,439
No, left you sitting without a
pot to piss in, though, didn't he?
109
00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,119
Right. I'm not sticking around here
to be insulted.
110
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,000
Mother, he's only winding you up,
Mick, tell her.
111
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,440
She's winding me up.
Right, I'm off to shops.
112
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,400
H was for holiday.
113
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,880
We're all on holiday!
114
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,600
Morning, Madge!
115
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,999
What's that you're reading?
It's the newsletter from the MSA.
116
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,959
Oh, that's nice.
Duck faced Dennis is hosting
117
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,479
but now the finger buffet is at the
end of the night
118
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:39,319
rather than the start.
119
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,839
Aww, makes sense I suppose.
120
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,959
There's been a whip round for a gum
shield for big Donna
121
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,639
since she had her braces fitted.
Ooooh, lovely.
122
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,879
And the police have asked Fiona
and Mandy to drain their hot tub.
123
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,439
Awwww!
124
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:58,359
There's also a wee article
for a phone application
125
00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:02,479
that locates swingers in your local
area. Oooooh, really.
126
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,519
Can we use it here?
127
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,559
Anywhere in the world apparently.
128
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:10,360
You just download it,
it does a search,
129
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:15,400
and Bob's your uncle, before you
know it, it's grab flab and stab!
130
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,519
Not too rough with Mr Dixon, Carmen,
131
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,879
and I'd skip the head massage
if I were you.
132
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,920
Last time it looked like somebody
133
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,360
had emptied a box of Special K
over the floor.
134
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,719
How do you get your hair like that,
Madge? My hair?
135
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:36,320
Oh, it's a mess today. I know. Just
wondered how you got it like that.
136
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,040
Piss off! Oh, I was only joking.
137
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,800
Maddy old cow.
138
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,360
Excuse me!
139
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,200
Sorry. Yeah, you will be!
140
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,040
Excuse me.
141
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,040
Do you have a light?
142
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,560
Get off me! Who are you?!
Get your hands off me!
143
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,840
Get off me! I don't wanna get in.
144
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,960
Nana!
145
00:09:38,499 --> 00:09:41,338
Morning, Gavin. Go away!
146
00:09:41,339 --> 00:09:43,458
That's not very polite.
147
00:09:43,459 --> 00:09:45,978
Go away... please?
148
00:09:45,979 --> 00:09:49,378
Are we feeling a little tender?
149
00:09:49,379 --> 00:09:52,658
I beg your pardon.
Too much sex on the beach?
150
00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:54,698
Have you been speaking to Kenneth?
151
00:09:54,699 --> 00:09:56,738
Whatever he has said, it's all lies.
152
00:09:56,739 --> 00:09:58,778
I meant your head.
153
00:09:58,779 --> 00:10:00,858
Cocktail hangover, is it?
154
00:10:00,859 --> 00:10:02,898
Look, Noreen, I don't mean
to be rude
155
00:10:02,899 --> 00:10:05,658
but I'm not in a very good place
right now.
156
00:10:05,659 --> 00:10:08,538
Well, we can move into the sun
if you like?
157
00:10:08,539 --> 00:10:11,098
What I mean is that I'm not good
company right now.
158
00:10:11,099 --> 00:10:14,898
That's still better
than no company at all.
159
00:10:14,899 --> 00:10:19,338
Now, why don't I go and order
a nice coffee
160
00:10:19,339 --> 00:10:21,778
and you just sit there and relax.
161
00:10:21,779 --> 00:10:24,218
That sounds like bliss.
Thank you, Noreen.
162
00:10:24,219 --> 00:10:26,939
And when I come back...
163
00:10:26,939 --> 00:10:29,579
we can have a lovely game
of Scrabble.
164
00:10:37,819 --> 00:10:40,358
Right, the bladder is empty
and the drinks are ordered.
165
00:10:40,459 --> 00:10:45,099
Good, cos I feel like getting
absolutely twa-twa-twa... Twanged!
166
00:10:45,099 --> 00:10:48,299
Totally twanged!
167
00:10:48,379 --> 00:10:50,299
This being a lady lark
is a piece of pi...
168
00:10:51,459 --> 00:10:55,338
cake! You're gonna be 20 Euros
lighter come midnight!
169
00:10:55,339 --> 00:10:57,378
Don't get too cocky.
170
00:10:57,379 --> 00:10:59,459
I've got a feeling
it may get tougher.
171
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:02,459
Jesus! What the f...!
172
00:11:04,019 --> 00:11:06,939
Sorry. Sorry? So it was you,
you little...
173
00:11:07,979 --> 00:11:09,858
sweetheart!
174
00:11:09,859 --> 00:11:12,858
You nearly gave me a heart attack.
175
00:11:12,859 --> 00:11:15,299
Old people talk funny.
176
00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:17,299
Old?
177
00:11:18,459 --> 00:11:20,459
Right. Run along, sonny.
178
00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:24,258
Can you believe him?
179
00:11:24,259 --> 00:11:27,219
Cheeky little ba... Ah ah!
180
00:11:27,219 --> 00:11:29,219
The clock is still running!
181
00:11:33,339 --> 00:11:36,179
I'm sorry, Joyce.
I'm absolutely choc a bloc.
182
00:11:36,179 --> 00:11:39,339
You must be joking,
I've never see anybody in here.
183
00:11:39,539 --> 00:11:43,018
Excuse me, excuse me. We need
to speak to you. It's my mother.
184
00:11:43,019 --> 00:11:46,698
Certainly. Can I be of assistance?
We think she's been kidnapped.
185
00:11:46,699 --> 00:11:49,419
My son saw her getting dragged in
to the back of a car.
186
00:11:49,419 --> 00:11:51,379
They're very keen, these taxi
drivers.
187
00:11:51,380 --> 00:11:55,618
You've only got to hang by the
bus stop for a few moments,
they think you're fair game.
188
00:11:55,619 --> 00:11:57,778
For God's sake.
It's Madge, isn't it? Yeah.
189
00:11:57,779 --> 00:12:00,738
Yeah, I saw her earlier on.
I think she was going to the shops.
190
00:12:00,739 --> 00:12:04,218
There you are. She's probably bumped
in to old friends and got chatting.
191
00:12:04,219 --> 00:12:07,378
Friends? You obviously don't know
her that well, do you?
192
00:12:07,379 --> 00:12:09,458
Michael, tell the woman
what you saw.
193
00:12:09,459 --> 00:12:12,778
Well, I saw a bloke
follow her out of here,
194
00:12:12,779 --> 00:12:16,978
and I went outside and he was
dragging her in to a car. Car. Car.
195
00:12:16,979 --> 00:12:19,458
Well, can you describe this
gentleman?
196
00:12:19,459 --> 00:12:23,018
He was quite tall, he had a beard.
Didn't look English.
197
00:12:23,019 --> 00:12:25,738
Oh, him! He was absolutely gorgeous.
198
00:12:25,739 --> 00:12:28,418
I asked if he wanted a hot shave
but didn't get anywhere.
199
00:12:28,419 --> 00:12:30,778
You said you hadn't got any
appointments.
200
00:12:30,779 --> 00:12:33,458
I can always find an opening for
some people, Joyce.
201
00:12:33,459 --> 00:12:36,818
Oh, come on, let's go to the police.
No, let's not be hasty.
202
00:12:36,819 --> 00:12:38,579
You'll get nowhere with them
203
00:12:38,579 --> 00:12:40,539
if she's been missing less than
48 hours.
204
00:12:40,540 --> 00:12:43,978
Now, I've got contacts there.
205
00:12:43,979 --> 00:12:45,819
Why don't I speak to them
206
00:12:45,819 --> 00:12:48,019
and you go and look for her?
Right. Come on.
207
00:12:50,099 --> 00:12:52,578
Very nice of you to offer to help.
208
00:12:52,579 --> 00:12:55,738
So there is a soft side
to La Savage after all.
209
00:12:55,739 --> 00:12:58,299
We don't want police swarming
round the place
210
00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:00,539
when our friend arrives later now,
do we?
211
00:13:01,939 --> 00:13:04,658
You're not busy, are you?
What about a French Plait?
212
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:08,379
Oh, you're joking, aren't you?
I had a Chinese buffet for lunch.
213
00:13:08,379 --> 00:13:11,979
I couldn't eat another thing.
Gonna help them look for Madge.
214
00:13:14,779 --> 00:13:16,739
Oh, come on, son!
215
00:13:18,219 --> 00:13:20,258
Have you heard anything?
216
00:13:20,259 --> 00:13:23,778
Not yet. He's gone far too long.
It's nearly siesta.
217
00:13:23,779 --> 00:13:26,338
The supermarkets will be closed.
Have faith!
218
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,379
This is him now.
219
00:13:28,379 --> 00:13:31,339
Liam, son, are you OK?
220
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:36,779
OK, son, just calm down.
Speak very slowly.
221
00:13:38,179 --> 00:13:40,379
Which police station are you in?
222
00:13:40,379 --> 00:13:42,259
Gotcha!
223
00:13:45,539 --> 00:13:48,458
Now, it wasn't easy.
Some of them were quite tricky.
224
00:13:48,459 --> 00:13:50,939
I thought Saffron
was a posh girl's name,
225
00:13:50,939 --> 00:13:53,179
but turns out it's a spice as well.
226
00:13:55,299 --> 00:13:57,659
And don't get me started on
cummin!
227
00:13:57,659 --> 00:14:00,179
Wait! There is something missing!
228
00:14:01,019 --> 00:14:03,338
The chicken!
229
00:14:03,339 --> 00:14:06,658
Tell me you got the chicken!
230
00:14:06,659 --> 00:14:08,698
You got the chicken, didn't you, son?
231
00:14:08,699 --> 00:14:10,858
I told you we could not rely on him.
232
00:14:10,859 --> 00:14:14,098
Shhh shhh shhhh!
Relax. Of course I did.
233
00:14:14,099 --> 00:14:16,139
What do you think I am, stupid?
234
00:14:16,139 --> 00:14:18,539
So, where is it?
235
00:14:25,819 --> 00:14:28,139
You asked for fresh!
236
00:14:34,179 --> 00:14:37,659
Oh, Jacqueline,
that's another one come through.
237
00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:39,659
Oh, let's have a look.
238
00:14:41,179 --> 00:14:47,258
Oh, my goodness, reminds me
of the old Amsterdam days.
239
00:14:47,259 --> 00:14:49,778
Are them her legs?
It would appear so.
240
00:14:49,779 --> 00:14:53,298
Hello, they're coming
thick and fast now.
241
00:14:53,299 --> 00:14:56,338
It must be that picture
of Condoleeza Rice
242
00:14:56,339 --> 00:14:59,019
that I put on my profile.
243
00:14:59,019 --> 00:15:01,939
Hmmm, you've a very good likeness
in the right light.
244
00:15:25,259 --> 00:15:30,418
It's no good, it's still switched
off. Mick, what are we going to do?
245
00:15:30,419 --> 00:15:34,698
Calm down, we'll find her. What if
we don't? What if the gang's got her
246
00:15:34,699 --> 00:15:39,778
and they're cutting her up? They're
not going to be chopping Nana up.
247
00:15:39,779 --> 00:15:43,258
They're just going to make an
incision across her chest. Mick!
248
00:15:43,259 --> 00:15:47,058
Here you are, I've got these, these
should help. What are they?
249
00:15:47,059 --> 00:15:49,818
Here we go, we'll find her in
no time with these!
250
00:15:49,819 --> 00:15:52,298
You reckon? I think I got
the scooter wrong.
251
00:15:52,299 --> 00:15:55,538
No, I don't flamin' reckon.
She isn't even on her scooter.
252
00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:58,458
'Answers to the name of'...
Christ. She's not a poodle!
253
00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:00,218
I was only trying to help.
254
00:16:00,219 --> 00:16:02,218
Over there!
255
00:16:02,219 --> 00:16:05,338
Madge! Nanna! Stop!
256
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:08,578
Come on, down here! Stop! Madge!
257
00:16:08,579 --> 00:16:10,619
Stop! Madge! Stop!
258
00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:12,619
Nana!
259
00:16:13,899 --> 00:16:16,099
Quick, quick. Here, here!
260
00:16:16,939 --> 00:16:19,179
Follow that car.
261
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:23,219
What's Spanish for 'follow that
car'? Senor, follow that car!
262
00:16:36,539 --> 00:16:38,898
Hiya. You all right?
263
00:16:38,899 --> 00:16:42,338
Your friend promised me an ice cream
but didn't pay up.
264
00:16:42,339 --> 00:16:44,978
How do you mean?
She said if I threw my ball at you
265
00:16:44,979 --> 00:16:46,978
she'd buy me an ice cream.
266
00:16:46,979 --> 00:16:49,658
Did she now!
267
00:16:49,659 --> 00:16:53,138
Well, how's about I treat you
to one?
268
00:16:53,139 --> 00:16:55,499
Yeah, go on. But first...
269
00:16:55,499 --> 00:16:57,699
I need you to do me a little favour.
270
00:17:04,499 --> 00:17:06,539
Aw, she looks dead sad. Yeah.
271
00:17:06,539 --> 00:17:08,859
Puts me in mind of somebody...
272
00:17:10,259 --> 00:17:14,378
Meryl Streep! What are you two
going on about now?
273
00:17:14,379 --> 00:17:17,938
You know, man, that film,
what was it called? Um...
274
00:17:17,939 --> 00:17:22,858
Sophie's Choice. Aw, no. Poor Meryl.
Do not get too attached.
275
00:17:22,859 --> 00:17:26,098
Soon you have to decide which one
of you will be the...
276
00:17:26,099 --> 00:17:29,099
No, we can't do that.
Look at her little face.
277
00:17:29,099 --> 00:17:32,579
You have any better ideas? Mateo!
278
00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:36,618
Quick, hide it!
279
00:17:36,619 --> 00:17:38,858
Ah, there you are!
How's it coming along?
280
00:17:38,859 --> 00:17:42,258
Good. It is all good!
You seem a bit edgy.
281
00:17:42,259 --> 00:17:45,618
Oh, I have a lot to do. This
recipe has to be perfect for you.
282
00:17:45,619 --> 00:17:48,778
What was that?
What was what?
283
00:17:48,779 --> 00:17:52,258
That! It sounded just like...
284
00:17:52,259 --> 00:17:54,618
There again!
285
00:17:54,619 --> 00:17:59,058
No, no. Ah, that was probably me,
I've got this um...
286
00:17:59,059 --> 00:18:02,018
gag reflex to the smell
of rice cooking.
287
00:18:02,019 --> 00:18:05,659
Well, it
didn't sound like you that time.
288
00:18:05,659 --> 00:18:07,939
No, it was me. Family trait.
289
00:18:14,939 --> 00:18:16,898
Les, it is time.
290
00:18:16,899 --> 00:18:19,098
Liam, it's time.
291
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:23,658
I'm gonna take her somewhere quiet
and then...
292
00:18:23,659 --> 00:18:25,819
No, I... I don't want to know.
293
00:18:25,819 --> 00:18:28,019
Just do it quickly.
294
00:18:36,059 --> 00:18:40,498
Won't that ice cream melt while
you're eating your burger?
295
00:18:40,499 --> 00:18:42,979
No, it's not my ice cream.
It's Scot's.
296
00:18:42,979 --> 00:18:44,939
Who's Scot?
297
00:18:47,699 --> 00:18:50,419
There you go, Scot.
298
00:18:54,619 --> 00:18:57,099
I know your tricks.
You won't break me.
299
00:18:58,139 --> 00:19:00,299
Oh, shit!
300
00:19:01,539 --> 00:19:04,979
Now now! That's not very ladylike
is it?
301
00:19:16,819 --> 00:19:18,819
Stop! It's there!
302
00:19:23,059 --> 00:19:25,699
Are you sure that's the same car?
Yeah.
303
00:19:28,179 --> 00:19:30,819
Bloody rubbish.
We could have walked faster.
304
00:19:35,499 --> 00:19:38,218
What are you doing?
Seeing if it's still warm?
305
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,978
I was wondering if this silver
goes with my colouring.
306
00:19:40,979 --> 00:19:43,138
This is definitely the car!
307
00:19:43,139 --> 00:19:46,098
Oh! There's still no answer.
308
00:19:46,099 --> 00:19:47,938
Maybe she's all right.
309
00:19:47,939 --> 00:19:51,578
I mean, she didn't exactly look
terrified when we saw her.
310
00:19:51,579 --> 00:19:54,738
Hmm, you have to watch these Arabs.
I did a week in Sharm el Sheikh.
311
00:19:54,739 --> 00:19:57,058
It's please and thank you
getting into the taxi
312
00:19:57,059 --> 00:19:59,658
then the other end
the fare's triple what they asked,
313
00:19:59,659 --> 00:20:01,978
and you've got to nosh them off
to the bargain.
314
00:20:01,979 --> 00:20:04,379
Oooh, anybody else hungry?
315
00:20:04,379 --> 00:20:06,619
Shh!
316
00:20:13,139 --> 00:20:15,139
Mick!
317
00:20:18,019 --> 00:20:20,178
Oh, hello. Oh my God, Jacqueline.
318
00:20:20,179 --> 00:20:24,258
Are you all right?
What are you doing here?
319
00:20:24,259 --> 00:20:27,258
What's going on? Have you
seen Madge? Is she sterilised?
320
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,298
Kenneth!
321
00:20:29,299 --> 00:20:32,098
What a lovely surprise.
322
00:20:32,099 --> 00:20:35,138
Mick. Janice.
What the hell's going on?
323
00:20:35,139 --> 00:20:37,419
Perhaps we should step outside.
324
00:20:37,419 --> 00:20:40,059
Come on Michael, out. Out!
325
00:20:44,859 --> 00:20:48,338
So, what? Are you involved in all
this organ transplant stuff.
326
00:20:48,339 --> 00:20:52,458
Organ transplant? No no no.
This is all very consenting.
327
00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:56,458
So, what were you doing in there?
Oh, just a bit of role play.
328
00:20:56,459 --> 00:20:59,258
We were supposed to join a session
this evening
329
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:02,299
but we couldn't find an astronaut
costume to fit Jacqueline.
330
00:21:02,299 --> 00:21:07,019
Did you say you were looking for
Madge? Last time we saw her... Nana!
331
00:21:08,219 --> 00:21:11,418
Oh, Mother, thank God you're all
right. Course I'm all right.
332
00:21:11,419 --> 00:21:13,898
We thought you'd been kidnapped.
333
00:21:13,899 --> 00:21:16,818
Kidnapped? What the frig
you talking about?
334
00:21:16,819 --> 00:21:19,258
Oh, it don't matter.
As long as you're safe.
335
00:21:19,259 --> 00:21:21,538
But I saw that fella drag you into
that car.
336
00:21:21,539 --> 00:21:24,178
Oh... There he is!
337
00:21:24,179 --> 00:21:27,499
Madge, is everything all right?
338
00:21:27,499 --> 00:21:32,139
Everybody, I'd like you
to meet Mohammed...
339
00:21:42,963 --> 00:21:45,599
Hello. Is everything all right?
340
00:21:45,599 --> 00:21:48,258
Yes, yes. Bit of a heavy afternoon.
341
00:21:48,517 --> 00:21:51,076
My wife has lost most
of the feeling in her legs
342
00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:53,876
but we're hoping she'll be all right
by this evening.
343
00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:57,036
I hope the accident didn't occur
on Solana premises.
344
00:21:57,037 --> 00:22:00,236
Oh, don't worry, there was no
accident. Just over did it slightly.
345
00:22:00,237 --> 00:22:02,156
Didn't we? Oh, yeah.
346
00:22:02,157 --> 00:22:03,956
Yes, I see.
347
00:22:03,957 --> 00:22:06,476
Well, plenty of time to relax now.
348
00:22:06,477 --> 00:22:10,756
No, no, we've got another session
lined up for this evening. Session?
349
00:22:10,757 --> 00:22:13,236
All credit to this wee gizmo here.
350
00:22:13,237 --> 00:22:15,796
Are you familiar with swing finder?
351
00:22:15,797 --> 00:22:17,876
Swing finder?
352
00:22:17,877 --> 00:22:20,596
Oh yes, the must-have app
for the modern day swinger.
353
00:22:20,597 --> 00:22:24,276
Oh, no.
It's not another one, is it?
354
00:22:24,277 --> 00:22:26,916
No, it's just confirmation
for tonight's session.
355
00:22:26,917 --> 00:22:29,996
Oh, I say, they're sending a car
for us.
356
00:22:29,997 --> 00:22:33,197
Now, that's stylish. Oh, lovely.
357
00:22:33,197 --> 00:22:36,837
I'm sure there's room for another if
you're at a loose end this evening?
358
00:22:46,637 --> 00:22:48,836
Thank you, Mohammed.
You are most welcome.
359
00:22:48,837 --> 00:22:50,956
So, let's get this straight.
360
00:22:50,957 --> 00:22:53,876
You know my mother through Mel.
Is that right?
361
00:22:53,877 --> 00:22:56,476
Mel did a bit of business with
Mohammed's Dad.
362
00:22:56,477 --> 00:22:59,956
Did he now? I met Madge's husband
several times with my father.
363
00:22:59,957 --> 00:23:03,076
Mel told us all
about his beautiful wife.
364
00:23:03,077 --> 00:23:06,156
Yeah, he was married before Madge.
Mick!
365
00:23:06,157 --> 00:23:09,556
So you just came to Benidorm
to see my mother?
366
00:23:09,557 --> 00:23:13,556
Well, I had something to return to
Madge. Mel left this behind
367
00:23:13,557 --> 00:23:17,276
in Mohammed's Dad's office,
the day before he passed away.
368
00:23:17,277 --> 00:23:20,276
Thankfully this young man
had the good grace
369
00:23:20,277 --> 00:23:23,236
to come here to return it to me.
370
00:23:23,237 --> 00:23:25,796
All this way to return
a cigarette case and a picture?
371
00:23:25,797 --> 00:23:29,317
I'm sorry. I just don't believe you.
What is wrong with you?
372
00:23:29,317 --> 00:23:31,397
Please... Janice?
373
00:23:32,437 --> 00:23:34,997
Beautiful name.
374
00:23:34,997 --> 00:23:36,957
This is my third time here
this year.
375
00:23:36,958 --> 00:23:39,796
And every time I have business
in Spain at the end of my trip,
376
00:23:39,797 --> 00:23:41,716
I spend a couple of days here
377
00:23:41,717 --> 00:23:44,556
and wonder if I will find
the wonderful woman
378
00:23:44,557 --> 00:23:48,756
Mel spoke of with so much passion
and respect.
379
00:23:48,757 --> 00:23:50,797
We have a saying in my country...
380
00:23:50,797 --> 00:23:55,997
You must look in many fields
before you find the missing cow.
381
00:23:57,277 --> 00:23:59,197
Yeah, we have a saying in my
country...
382
00:23:59,198 --> 00:24:01,276
You're talking absolute bollocks.
383
00:24:01,277 --> 00:24:03,916
Nobody spends a year looking for
someone they never met
384
00:24:03,917 --> 00:24:06,516
to give them a crappy old cig case
and a worn out photo.
385
00:24:06,517 --> 00:24:08,677
He brought his lighter as well.
386
00:24:08,677 --> 00:24:10,877
Well, at five for a pound
that's saved you 20p.
387
00:24:11,957 --> 00:24:15,516
Mr Garvey, I understand your
scepticism.
388
00:24:15,517 --> 00:24:19,036
As a son in law, you obviously have
a love and respect for Madge
389
00:24:19,037 --> 00:24:22,916
that knows no bounds. But when
I discovered Mel died in Marrakech,
390
00:24:22,917 --> 00:24:26,876
and that I had been one of the last
people he spoke to,
391
00:24:26,877 --> 00:24:29,516
I felt passing on his possessions,
however small,
392
00:24:29,517 --> 00:24:33,156
was the right thing to do.
The honourable thing to do.
393
00:24:33,157 --> 00:24:36,996
We thought you were gonna cut my
nana up and sell her organs.
394
00:24:36,997 --> 00:24:40,116
Apparently there's a gang
in Benidorm
395
00:24:40,117 --> 00:24:42,436
kidnapping people and selling
their organs.
396
00:24:42,437 --> 00:24:45,516
On the telly, it said they even sell
their skin.
397
00:24:45,517 --> 00:24:48,236
Yeah, when we heard our Michael had
seen you grab Madge
398
00:24:48,237 --> 00:24:52,036
we thought you were a hitman for
World of Leather. This makes sense.
399
00:24:52,037 --> 00:24:55,476
So the woman with the red hair,
perhaps she was from this gang.
400
00:24:55,477 --> 00:24:57,996
Yeah, this woman with red hair
tried to grab me.
401
00:24:57,997 --> 00:25:02,076
She was with two fellas
and a white van. A white van!
402
00:25:02,077 --> 00:25:05,076
That's them! Oh, my God, Mother!
403
00:25:05,077 --> 00:25:08,276
But Mohammed grabbed me off her
and put me in his car.
404
00:25:08,277 --> 00:25:11,436
What are you doing?!
Get your hands off her!
405
00:25:11,437 --> 00:25:14,236
What are you doing? Get off me!
406
00:25:14,237 --> 00:25:16,636
Get off me!
407
00:25:16,637 --> 00:25:18,636
Who are you?!
408
00:25:18,637 --> 00:25:21,757
You saved my nana's life!
409
00:25:21,757 --> 00:25:24,997
Oh. Please, I only did what anyone
else would do.
410
00:25:27,237 --> 00:25:30,836
I would like you to be my guests for
dinner this evening at my hotel,
411
00:25:30,837 --> 00:25:33,196
The Asia Gardens.
Oooh, that sounds nice.
412
00:25:33,197 --> 00:25:36,837
No, you've saved my mother's life.
413
00:25:36,837 --> 00:25:38,957
We'll be buying you dinner tonight.
414
00:25:40,357 --> 00:25:42,557
Mick?
415
00:25:42,557 --> 00:25:45,317
Well... He's just said he wants to
buy us dinner.
416
00:25:47,357 --> 00:25:49,636
All right...
417
00:25:49,637 --> 00:25:53,717
Yeah, we'll take you to a little
place we know, not far from here.
418
00:25:53,717 --> 00:25:57,197
It's very exclusive.
It's called Neptunes.
419
00:26:11,877 --> 00:26:13,916
Have you seen my dad? No. Why?
420
00:26:13,917 --> 00:26:17,396
Well, between me and you,
he's gone to choke the chicken.
421
00:26:17,397 --> 00:26:19,436
Only...
422
00:26:19,437 --> 00:26:23,116
He's been gone 20 minutes
so I think he might be struggling.
423
00:26:23,117 --> 00:26:26,636
It's an age thing. He likes
to think he's hard, but...
424
00:26:26,637 --> 00:26:29,076
Right. Maybe I should go and give
him a hand.
425
00:26:29,077 --> 00:26:33,236
OK... I tried earlier
but I couldn't finish it off
426
00:26:33,237 --> 00:26:36,876
so he went out the back to try and
finish it himself. Poor Meryl...
427
00:26:36,877 --> 00:26:38,917
Meryl?
428
00:26:38,917 --> 00:26:41,277
That's his little pet name for it.
429
00:26:44,477 --> 00:26:46,436
Well, helloooo.
430
00:26:46,437 --> 00:26:50,396
Joyce Temple Savage, welcome
to The Solana.
431
00:26:50,397 --> 00:26:52,436
You must be Victor.
432
00:26:52,437 --> 00:26:54,636
Victor St James.
Costa Class magazine.
433
00:26:54,637 --> 00:26:57,876
Thank you for coming, we're
delighted... I'll tell you something.
434
00:26:57,877 --> 00:27:01,556
I am absolutely busting
for the bog.
435
00:27:01,557 --> 00:27:05,916
Well, we have full toilet
facilities on all levels.
436
00:27:05,917 --> 00:27:09,276
This drinking pints
is no use for me.
437
00:27:09,277 --> 00:27:12,477
I'll siphon the python and meet
you for a cheeky half in the bar?
438
00:27:12,477 --> 00:27:14,717
Over here, yeah?
439
00:27:17,117 --> 00:27:21,596
I'm telling you, man, she's
got this way of looking at you.
440
00:27:21,597 --> 00:27:24,396
It is a he, not a she! What?
441
00:27:24,397 --> 00:27:28,317
It is a cock. I know a cock
when I see one.
442
00:27:28,317 --> 00:27:31,077
Well, it's as if he's looking right
into your soul.
443
00:27:32,197 --> 00:27:34,236
I couldn't do it, man.
444
00:27:34,237 --> 00:27:37,756
Ah, you will not hurt a chicken
but you will see my family starve.
445
00:27:37,757 --> 00:27:41,636
Because if I don't get this paella
right, I will get fired!
446
00:27:41,637 --> 00:27:44,076
Can we not make a vegetarian paella?
447
00:27:44,077 --> 00:27:46,116
Vegetarian?
448
00:27:46,117 --> 00:27:48,597
This is Spain, we eat meat!
449
00:27:48,597 --> 00:27:52,397
Hostia! I will have to take care
of this myself.
450
00:27:53,797 --> 00:27:55,837
It takes a real man
to do a man's job.
451
00:27:55,837 --> 00:27:57,837
I will be back shortly.
452
00:28:07,957 --> 00:28:09,917
Room for a little one?
453
00:28:09,917 --> 00:28:11,917
Oh, of course.
454
00:28:15,197 --> 00:28:19,597
I say... Isn't it a lovely colour
of blue, the water in Spain.
455
00:28:19,597 --> 00:28:21,597
Yes.
456
00:28:23,237 --> 00:28:27,436
Noreen, I just wanted to say sorry
about earlier.
457
00:28:27,437 --> 00:28:29,476
I was a bit off.
458
00:28:29,477 --> 00:28:31,756
Oh, don't worry about it.
459
00:28:31,757 --> 00:28:36,196
What do you say I take you out for
a nice meal tonight?
460
00:28:36,197 --> 00:28:38,236
My way of saying sorry.
461
00:28:38,237 --> 00:28:40,837
We could eat at Neptune's.
462
00:28:40,837 --> 00:28:42,837
I said, 'A NICE meal'.
463
00:28:45,277 --> 00:28:47,676
Oh, why the heck not?
464
00:28:47,677 --> 00:28:51,037
We're on holiday. It's nice to do
something a bit different.
465
00:28:51,037 --> 00:28:52,997
Yes.
466
00:29:00,557 --> 00:29:03,196
Oh, I'm really sorry, Victor,
467
00:29:03,197 --> 00:29:05,156
I didn't realise you were here.
468
00:29:05,157 --> 00:29:08,317
I've been waiting for you
outside the loo.
469
00:29:08,317 --> 00:29:10,317
Careful. That's how I got started.
470
00:29:12,117 --> 00:29:13,916
Oh, Kenneth.
471
00:29:13,917 --> 00:29:18,076
Shouldn't you be manning the
international beauty salon?
472
00:29:18,077 --> 00:29:23,316
We're very lucky to have Kenneth.
He's very big all over the Costas.
473
00:29:23,317 --> 00:29:25,356
Chance would be a fine thing.
474
00:29:25,357 --> 00:29:29,836
He was just telling me about his
celebrity client list. Celebrity?
475
00:29:29,837 --> 00:29:32,077
Apparently he's done them all.
476
00:29:32,077 --> 00:29:34,037
Yeah, and I've cut their hair.
477
00:29:36,317 --> 00:29:38,436
So, how do you style Elton John's
hair?
478
00:29:38,437 --> 00:29:40,436
Between me and you, Victor,
479
00:29:40,437 --> 00:29:43,316
I just pop it on an eco wash and
tumble dry it for half an hour.
480
00:29:43,317 --> 00:29:46,237
He's none the wiser.
481
00:29:46,237 --> 00:29:49,397
Kenneth, could I have a little word
with one? Do excuse us.
482
00:29:53,197 --> 00:29:54,956
What are you playing at?
483
00:29:54,957 --> 00:29:57,837
Have you been sniffing the perming
solution again?
484
00:29:57,837 --> 00:29:59,957
No, I'm trying to inject a bit of
excitement.
485
00:30:00,037 --> 00:30:01,796
He was in Loret De Mar last week,
486
00:30:01,797 --> 00:30:04,756
and he gave this place five stars
cos it had quilted bog roll.
487
00:30:04,757 --> 00:30:07,796
He knows his onions, this one.
I'm sure I can handle it.
488
00:30:07,797 --> 00:30:11,356
I've had a lot of experience dealing
with high class clientele.
489
00:30:11,357 --> 00:30:14,636
High class? You've got to be joking!
He's rough as a badger's arse.
490
00:30:14,637 --> 00:30:17,676
Victor may be presenting himself as
an uncouth Northerner
491
00:30:17,677 --> 00:30:20,277
with low standards and a coarse
turn of phrase,
492
00:30:20,277 --> 00:30:22,077
but it's a ploy to catch us
off guard.
493
00:30:26,517 --> 00:30:29,436
Victor. Could I offer you one of
our signature cocktails?
494
00:30:29,437 --> 00:30:32,997
Any brown ale'll do for me, Jill.
Joyce.
495
00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:36,997
And fetch us some more of
them nuts, will you?
496
00:30:43,157 --> 00:30:45,757
Shh, I think that's them.
What's he doing, man?
497
00:30:46,837 --> 00:30:49,797
Aw, what have you let it
out the cage for?
498
00:30:49,797 --> 00:30:53,397
He's got this way of looking at you.
499
00:30:55,677 --> 00:30:58,797
It's OK, Meryl. It's OK.
500
00:31:00,157 --> 00:31:02,276
Be very quiet.
501
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,316
Stay very still.
502
00:31:04,317 --> 00:31:06,517
When he does not expect it,
I will pounce.
503
00:31:06,517 --> 00:31:10,717
One, two, three...
504
00:31:21,597 --> 00:31:23,997
You grab the legs. The legs!
505
00:31:54,333 --> 00:31:58,772
Here at Neptunes, we offer live
entertainment seven nights a week.
506
00:31:58,851 --> 00:32:01,770
Right. You'll notice a nautical
theme throughout,
507
00:32:02,130 --> 00:32:04,249
reflecting the name, Neptunes,
508
00:32:04,250 --> 00:32:06,889
coming from the Latin for sea,
509
00:32:06,890 --> 00:32:11,690
as in Nep, and tunes... as
inmusic.
510
00:32:11,690 --> 00:32:14,530
So, Victor, what do you think
so far?
511
00:32:15,330 --> 00:32:19,169
To be honest with you,
it's all right.
512
00:32:19,170 --> 00:32:23,489
All right? Place like this, there's
only so much you can do with it.
513
00:32:23,490 --> 00:32:26,889
This is bargain bucket stuff
this, ain't it, love, hey?
514
00:32:26,890 --> 00:32:30,529
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for
giving the punters what they want,
515
00:32:30,530 --> 00:32:33,689
but this lot here, egg and chips,
dose of prickly heat,
516
00:32:33,690 --> 00:32:36,209
they're like pigs in shit.
Well, I wouldn't say...
517
00:32:36,210 --> 00:32:39,489
But the crowd that run it aren't
daft. That's why they've got you in.
518
00:32:39,490 --> 00:32:43,209
Well, exactly. Any more crisps?
519
00:32:43,210 --> 00:32:46,849
Oh, this is Mateo Castellanos.
He's our head barman.
520
00:32:46,850 --> 00:32:49,289
He's very experienced
521
00:32:49,290 --> 00:32:53,369
and always goes that extra mile with
the customers.
522
00:32:53,370 --> 00:32:56,769
Mateo, could you please get
Mr St James a selection of nibbles?
523
00:32:56,770 --> 00:33:02,369
Mateo! A selection of nibbles for
Mr St James, please.
524
00:33:02,370 --> 00:33:06,850
What is "nibbles"? And some dips
and crudites if you please.
525
00:33:06,850 --> 00:33:10,810
I do not know what any of these
things are.
526
00:33:14,050 --> 00:33:17,649
Very conscientious member of staff.
527
00:33:17,650 --> 00:33:22,250
He must be looking for some broken
glass or sundry items.
528
00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:25,650
I'll get you some more crisps.
529
00:33:28,250 --> 00:33:30,289
I cannot find it anywhere.
530
00:33:30,290 --> 00:33:32,329
Leave it to our Liam, he'll find it.
531
00:33:32,330 --> 00:33:35,129
Right, vegetarian paella coming up!
532
00:33:35,130 --> 00:33:38,209
Oh, no! Liam son!
533
00:33:38,210 --> 00:33:42,169
What has he done now? He's left
the heat on, man, it's ruined!
534
00:33:42,170 --> 00:33:44,209
Oh, no.
535
00:33:44,210 --> 00:33:46,489
That's it! It's all over.
536
00:33:46,490 --> 00:33:50,049
Ah, well, as my old dad used
to say... 'You can't polish a turd,
537
00:33:50,050 --> 00:33:52,610
but you can spray it
with air freshener.'
538
00:33:52,610 --> 00:33:55,850
What does it mean?
It means we go to plan B!
539
00:33:57,410 --> 00:33:59,449
But you cannot cook.
540
00:33:59,450 --> 00:34:04,090
You want a bet? I was a chef on the
oil rigs before our Liam was born.
541
00:34:04,090 --> 00:34:08,530
What I can't do with a couple
of gas rings and a wooden spoon
is nobody's business.
542
00:34:14,330 --> 00:34:17,369
Well, that was lovely.
543
00:34:17,370 --> 00:34:19,649
I've never had seal before.
544
00:34:19,650 --> 00:34:21,969
I think you'll find that was veal,
Noreen.
545
00:34:21,970 --> 00:34:25,290
Was it? Better not tell our Geoff.
546
00:34:25,290 --> 00:34:28,330
He's very funny about that sort of
thing.
547
00:34:30,970 --> 00:34:33,009
Are you missing your fella?
548
00:34:33,010 --> 00:34:35,849
I'm managing.
549
00:34:35,850 --> 00:34:40,649
What about that nice chap that has
the hairdressers?
550
00:34:40,650 --> 00:34:42,769
What about him?
551
00:34:42,770 --> 00:34:45,169
Well, would you and him not make
a nice couple?
552
00:34:45,170 --> 00:34:48,209
Troy and I haven't actually
split up.
553
00:34:48,210 --> 00:34:51,769
And besides, I don't think he'd
really be my type.
554
00:34:51,770 --> 00:34:53,809
No, true.
555
00:34:53,810 --> 00:34:57,049
I mean, he's quite butch, isn't he?
556
00:34:57,050 --> 00:35:03,969
Everything's so out in the open
these days.
557
00:35:03,970 --> 00:35:07,329
In my day, it was all hush hush.
558
00:35:07,330 --> 00:35:13,209
I remember a lovely young lass
called Georgie Smith.
559
00:35:13,210 --> 00:35:15,849
She ran the mobile shop.
560
00:35:15,850 --> 00:35:21,089
Everybody said they thought she was
a bit... You know?
561
00:35:21,090 --> 00:35:24,289
Really?
562
00:35:24,290 --> 00:35:26,729
Just because she wore
steel cap boots
563
00:35:26,730 --> 00:35:29,770
and made me lift up my skirt
and show her my knees
564
00:35:29,770 --> 00:35:33,050
before she'd give me my change.
565
00:35:34,210 --> 00:35:36,049
I don't know.
566
00:35:36,050 --> 00:35:38,089
Would you like a dessert?
567
00:35:38,090 --> 00:35:41,289
I don't think so, thank you.
568
00:35:41,290 --> 00:35:44,449
It's always best not to go
on a full stomach.
569
00:35:44,450 --> 00:35:48,890
Remember that night with the lovely
couple from Hemel Hempstead?
570
00:35:48,890 --> 00:35:52,610
How could I forget? Scotch egg
and Guinness is a heady mix indeed.
571
00:35:53,970 --> 00:35:55,810
Still no sign of the driver.
572
00:35:55,810 --> 00:35:59,410
I'm sure it'll all be fine, though.
It seems very well organised.
573
00:36:01,090 --> 00:36:06,369
Seeing as we're celebrating my nana
not being kidnapped and chopped up
574
00:36:06,370 --> 00:36:09,289
can I have a proper drink?
How many times? No!
575
00:36:09,290 --> 00:36:11,489
But, Mam... I know.
576
00:36:11,490 --> 00:36:14,049
You're 13. You can have
a ginger beer.
577
00:36:14,050 --> 00:36:16,289
What's that? It's as good
as it gets, son.
578
00:36:16,290 --> 00:36:19,769
At least it's got the word beer
in it. Nice one.
579
00:36:19,770 --> 00:36:23,209
This food is very interesting.
580
00:36:23,210 --> 00:36:26,569
I don't think I have tasted anything
like this before.
581
00:36:26,570 --> 00:36:29,489
No, you won't have done.
What's the food like in Marrakech?
582
00:36:29,490 --> 00:36:32,289
I bet it's not like this.
No, not at all.
583
00:36:32,290 --> 00:36:36,209
It is... How do you say? Fresh.
584
00:36:36,210 --> 00:36:40,730
So um... What kind of business
are you in, Mohammed?
585
00:36:40,730 --> 00:36:43,210
You've obviously got a lot of time
on your hands.
586
00:36:43,211 --> 00:36:45,569
Have you got absolutely no manners
whatsoever?
587
00:36:45,570 --> 00:36:48,849
I work for my father.
He has many business interests.
588
00:36:48,850 --> 00:36:50,769
He first started many years ago
589
00:36:50,770 --> 00:36:53,409
making rugs for three hotel chains
in Marrakech.
590
00:36:53,410 --> 00:36:55,289
In fact, the first time I met Mel,
591
00:36:55,290 --> 00:36:57,289
he was admiring a rug
in my father's shop.
592
00:36:57,290 --> 00:36:59,929
Don't tell us. He bought one
and never paid for it?
593
00:36:59,930 --> 00:37:01,929
How much do we owe you?
594
00:37:01,930 --> 00:37:05,129
My father now owns all three of
those hotel chains.
595
00:37:05,130 --> 00:37:09,289
He still has his rug shop. He kept
it out of sentimental reasons.
596
00:37:09,290 --> 00:37:14,129
But there is a small matter of Mel's
business dealings in Marrakech.
597
00:37:14,130 --> 00:37:16,049
I wondered how long it would take.
598
00:37:16,050 --> 00:37:20,289
Mel had invested a considerable
amount of money in Marrakech.
599
00:37:20,290 --> 00:37:22,569
I would like to help you to
retrieve it.
600
00:37:22,570 --> 00:37:24,649
You what?
601
00:37:24,650 --> 00:37:28,289
We can discuss that tomorrow.
This is not a time for business.
602
00:37:28,290 --> 00:37:31,289
This is a time for remembrance
and celebration.
603
00:37:31,290 --> 00:37:34,409
Celebration of the life
of a good man.
604
00:37:34,410 --> 00:37:37,849
Here here. Well, we don't mind
talking about business now, do we?
605
00:37:37,850 --> 00:37:40,489
Here's to Mel Harvey.
606
00:37:40,490 --> 00:37:44,570
What are we talking about, Mohammed,
like a property? A bar? What?
607
00:37:44,570 --> 00:37:48,170
Tomorrow. Mel Harvey!
608
00:37:50,370 --> 00:37:52,690
Dad, are you all right?
You're sweating.
609
00:37:58,410 --> 00:38:01,210
Yeah, it's the first time I've ever
worn a kilt.
610
00:38:01,210 --> 00:38:05,210
Quite nice in this heat, because it
lets all the air into your bits.
611
00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:09,090
What's up with your face?
612
00:38:09,090 --> 00:38:13,730
I think I know exactly what game
Mr St James is playing.
613
00:38:13,810 --> 00:38:16,369
He is trying to lure me into
dropping my guard,
614
00:38:16,370 --> 00:38:19,009
but I'm afraid he's picking
on the wrong character.
615
00:38:19,010 --> 00:38:21,049
Can I have a quiet word, Mrs Savage?
616
00:38:21,050 --> 00:38:23,409
Where's Mateo, where's this paella?
617
00:38:23,410 --> 00:38:26,849
It's just coming. Mateo says
he's very sorry about the delay,
618
00:38:26,850 --> 00:38:29,929
but he had to make a few minor
adjustments to the recipe.
619
00:38:29,930 --> 00:38:31,929
Ah, I needed that.
620
00:38:31,930 --> 00:38:34,209
Victor, this is Les.
621
00:38:34,210 --> 00:38:38,729
He is one of several Michelin star
chefs who work at our Solana.
622
00:38:38,730 --> 00:38:40,689
Nice to meet you. Michelin star?
623
00:38:40,690 --> 00:38:44,650
Do you know Francoise Chelley?
Name rings a bell.
624
00:38:44,650 --> 00:38:46,570
Did he play for Carlisle?
625
00:38:48,770 --> 00:38:52,729
Ah, here we are. I asked the kitchen
staff to make you something special.
626
00:38:52,730 --> 00:38:55,770
Come on. I'm sure Mr St James is
bound to be hungry.
627
00:38:55,770 --> 00:38:58,490
He's only had... Eight.
Eight bags of crisps.
628
00:39:08,090 --> 00:39:10,489
Ta da!
629
00:39:10,490 --> 00:39:13,209
Bangers and mash?!
630
00:39:13,210 --> 00:39:16,929
Ah, but with proper English bangers.
None of your Spanish shite!
631
00:39:16,930 --> 00:39:19,409
Oh, my God. Victor, I'm so sorry.
632
00:39:19,410 --> 00:39:23,369
I specifically asked the kitchen to
make you a traditional Spanish dish.
633
00:39:23,370 --> 00:39:26,490
You what? Traditional Spanish?
634
00:39:26,490 --> 00:39:28,650
I can't be buggered
with any of that muck.
635
00:39:29,210 --> 00:39:31,290
No, this is proper grub, this is.
636
00:39:31,290 --> 00:39:34,290
Like I told you, Jill, give the
punters what they want.
637
00:39:35,690 --> 00:39:39,050
Well, don't just stand there.
Get us a knife and fork.
638
00:39:50,130 --> 00:39:52,210
Well, I must say, Eliza Doolittle,
639
00:39:52,210 --> 00:39:54,690
your transformation to a lady
is almost complete.
640
00:39:55,770 --> 00:39:58,849
And so is my 20 Euro reward.
Don't remind me.
641
00:39:58,850 --> 00:40:01,929
I hope you're gonna put it towards
getting wasted tonight.
642
00:40:01,930 --> 00:40:05,209
Maybe. I might just take
it easy though.
643
00:40:05,210 --> 00:40:08,490
There's a sightseeing tour of
a local church tomorrow morning.
644
00:40:08,490 --> 00:40:10,290
I want to be up for that.
645
00:40:11,290 --> 00:40:13,769
You're not serious, are you?
646
00:40:13,770 --> 00:40:17,569
Why not?! I've been missing out on
culture and polite society.
647
00:40:17,570 --> 00:40:20,209
I might just give it a shot.
648
00:40:20,210 --> 00:40:23,649
Better than lying in bed nursing
a hangover?
649
00:40:23,650 --> 00:40:26,769
I've created a bleedin' monster!
I want my best mate back,
650
00:40:26,770 --> 00:40:30,049
the one that farts and swears
and arm wrestles for drinks!
651
00:40:30,050 --> 00:40:34,330
She's a thing of the past, Sam.
This is the new and improved me.
652
00:40:34,330 --> 00:40:37,970
Right, one more, then an early
night, I think.
653
00:40:42,490 --> 00:40:45,769
Are you sure I can't tempt
you to a cafe con leche by the pool?
654
00:40:45,770 --> 00:40:48,489
Nah. Victor...
655
00:40:48,490 --> 00:40:51,329
Let's cut to the chase.
656
00:40:51,330 --> 00:40:54,409
You what? We both know
what's been going on.
657
00:40:54,410 --> 00:40:57,289
I've had 25 years
in the service industry.
658
00:40:57,290 --> 00:41:00,409
It takes a lot to pull the wool
over my eyes.
659
00:41:00,410 --> 00:41:02,769
Oh... right. OK then.
660
00:41:02,770 --> 00:41:05,329
How does 400 sound?
661
00:41:05,330 --> 00:41:07,489
What?
662
00:41:07,490 --> 00:41:09,769
OK. 350, provided you make
it British money.
663
00:41:09,770 --> 00:41:12,209
Exchange rate's crap at the minute.
664
00:41:12,210 --> 00:41:15,649
I don't know what you're talking
about. Ah, I see what you're doing.
665
00:41:15,650 --> 00:41:17,689
Bit exposed here, is it?
666
00:41:17,690 --> 00:41:21,489
We can always go through somewhere
a bit more private and discuss it.
667
00:41:21,490 --> 00:41:23,209
Hang on.
668
00:41:23,210 --> 00:41:26,489
You want me to pay for this review?
Of course I do!
669
00:41:26,490 --> 00:41:29,929
How else is a dump like this going
to get a decent write up?
670
00:41:29,930 --> 00:41:32,689
350? Yeah.
671
00:41:32,690 --> 00:41:35,769
I can't afford that.
It's deal or no deal?
672
00:41:35,770 --> 00:41:38,650
You have a think about it.
I'll just nip off to the...
673
00:41:38,650 --> 00:41:40,570
The bog. I know.
674
00:41:47,770 --> 00:41:49,849
All right, gorgeous.
675
00:41:49,850 --> 00:41:51,689
Hiya.
676
00:41:51,690 --> 00:41:54,689
I was just uh... admiring the view.
677
00:41:54,690 --> 00:41:56,689
Of what?
678
00:41:56,690 --> 00:41:58,769
Oh, I see.
679
00:41:58,770 --> 00:42:02,129
If I'd known that, I would have
charged you.
680
00:42:02,130 --> 00:42:05,489
Oh, I'm sorry.
681
00:42:05,490 --> 00:42:07,929
Um...
682
00:42:07,930 --> 00:42:09,849
How does 20 Euros sound?
683
00:42:09,850 --> 00:42:11,569
I beg your pardon.
684
00:42:11,570 --> 00:42:13,409
All right. 25.
685
00:42:13,410 --> 00:42:15,569
They don't half push their luck
around here.
686
00:42:15,570 --> 00:42:19,649
You really need to move your hand!
687
00:42:19,650 --> 00:42:22,130
I think it's fine where it is.
Do you?
688
00:42:22,130 --> 00:42:24,530
Excuse me one minute!
689
00:42:31,610 --> 00:42:33,650
What's that for?
690
00:42:41,850 --> 00:42:44,770
20 Euros? Dickhead.
691
00:42:44,770 --> 00:42:46,730
50... and I might have thought
about it.
692
00:42:49,490 --> 00:42:53,530
Eliza has left the building!
693
00:42:57,970 --> 00:43:00,050
Still no sign.
I don't understand it.
694
00:43:00,050 --> 00:43:03,290
I'll pop to the ladies
and freshen up.
695
00:43:15,130 --> 00:43:17,130
Mmm?
696
00:43:19,930 --> 00:43:21,969
Party... Party.
697
00:43:21,970 --> 00:43:25,049
Ah, yes! Party of two. I got the
manager to call us a taxi.
698
00:43:25,050 --> 00:43:29,489
I don't trust the ones on the
street! Yes, that's us.
699
00:43:29,490 --> 00:43:32,409
Rose. Ah, yes,
she's an English rose.
700
00:43:32,410 --> 00:43:34,489
Come on, Noreen. Let's head back!
701
00:43:34,490 --> 00:43:36,489
Wait.
702
00:43:36,490 --> 00:43:39,329
Before we go, a toast!
703
00:43:39,330 --> 00:43:42,410
Here's to making mistakes!
704
00:43:42,410 --> 00:43:44,410
Mistakes!
705
00:43:51,930 --> 00:43:54,289
Donald, I've just figured out
what's wrong.
706
00:43:54,290 --> 00:43:57,050
I'm not wearing my secret signal.
707
00:43:57,050 --> 00:44:00,290
Of course. They'll be able
to spot us now.
708
00:44:04,610 --> 00:44:07,970
Did they tell you where we are going
at the restaurant? The Solana.
709
00:44:07,970 --> 00:44:10,090
Si. Si.
710
00:44:14,250 --> 00:44:17,930
I always get the ones that don't
speak any English. Oh, sod it.
711
00:44:17,930 --> 00:44:21,970
I'm not going to worry any more.
Que Sara Sara! Que Sara Sara!
712
00:44:26,890 --> 00:44:28,930
Just nod. It's easier.
713
00:44:28,930 --> 00:44:31,810
Si, senor!
714
00:44:39,290 --> 00:44:41,769
Oh. Ah!
715
00:44:41,770 --> 00:44:45,489
I am so sorry, Victor! I hope you
won't hold this against us.
716
00:44:45,490 --> 00:44:48,049
Because, I wouldn't want...
If you don't mind...
717
00:44:48,050 --> 00:44:51,249
I think I'll just step outside for
a spot of air. Oh!
718
00:44:51,250 --> 00:44:53,850
I'm feeling a little bit...
Yes. Just a minute. Um...
719
00:44:53,850 --> 00:44:55,850
There.
720
00:45:06,570 --> 00:45:10,209
Everything all right, Mrs Savage?
Les, it's a disaster.
721
00:45:10,210 --> 00:45:12,489
I wouldn't worry.
He seemed to enjoy himself.
722
00:45:12,490 --> 00:45:15,330
What sort of stuff is he going to
print about us now?
723
00:45:15,330 --> 00:45:18,490
It'll take a miracle to get us out
of this.
724
00:45:23,250 --> 00:45:25,689
Excuse me. Do you have a light?
725
00:45:25,690 --> 00:45:27,530
I don't smoke, darling.
726
00:45:27,530 --> 00:45:30,090
You must have healthy lungs then?
727
00:45:31,890 --> 00:45:34,490
Not as healthy as yours, love, hey?
728
00:45:36,050 --> 00:45:38,290
Hey, what's going on?!
Hey, what's this?!
729
00:45:38,290 --> 00:45:41,130
What's happening?
What are you doing?
58323
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