All language subtitles for Benidorm.S05E02.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-TEPES.eng

What do you think you're doing?!
I beg your pardon?

You just nearly stapled my face
to the bamboo wall!

Why was it up against
the bamboo wall in the first place?

I was putting up the posters
you gave me!

Why was your face
up against the wall?

I just like the way it feels.

Oh, is there a competition?
Yeah, it's a dance competition.

Oh, lovely.

What do you have to do?

Dance.
Oh, smashing!

Sorry. I'm not laughing.

Really? Then would you mind that
irritating noise you keep making?

I can't believe you had your leg
in plaster

for the whole of your last holiday
and now you've done this.

Here you go. I got you some toast.

What took you so long?

Have you ever tried getting dressed
with only one arm? No.

Oh, I tell a lie.

I once got off with a really fat
bloke and he fell asleep on my arm.

It was like that film, 48 Hours.

What, he was like
a fat Eddie Murphy?

Not 48 Hours. Erm...

Oh, the one where he plays
a whole family and they're all fat?

Er... Nutty Professor.
No.

The one where he gets trapped
in a really tight hole

and has to cut his arm off.
I'm sorry, but for one,

I don't believe the fat bloke
had to cut his arm off.

And two, if he was with you,

I certainly dont' believe he got
trapped in a really tight hole.

Is this the singles table?

You what?
Are you both single?

Yeah.
Oh, lovely.

Oh, haven't you got a bonnie face?

There was a lass who looked like you
around the pool yesterday,

only she didn't have her arm
in a sling.

So, that's 1:00 today,
shampoo and set.

Yeah, no problem.
Unless you can do it now.

No, I can't do it now.
Why not?

I'm waiting for a new member of staff
to arrive. Why can't she do my hair?

Because she's not here.

Well, can she do it now?
No. Why not?

Because she doesn't speak
any English.

Oi! That's criminal damage, that!

I don't know why you're complaining.

It's free advertising
for your salon.

Oof.

Bloody hell, Carmen,
you haven't left home, have you?

What's in the suitcase, love?

Never mind. In you go.

Come on.
I may as well do you now quick.

Frig that. I'm not paying for it
when I can win this competition

and get it done for free.
It's a dance competition.

I don't want to worry you, love,

but you might be required
to use your legs.

Yeah. Yeah.

I wanna speak to my Dad!
Sorry, Mick, say that again.

I can't hear you.

Well, if you get here
this afternoon,

there's a dance competition
on tonight.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Is that your father?
No, that's my mam.

Dad's the one with the short hair
and the deep voice.

I don't know what's happening to you,
Michael Garvey,

but you're turning into
quite a nasty piece of work.

Yeah. I wonder where I get it from,

cos there's none of that
in our family!

Have you booked your hair?
No.

Mam, I said I wanted to
speak to my dad!

Sorry, son. Well, he'll be here
tonight. You can talk to him then.

Text from your phone.
I haven't got no credit.

Can I use your phone?

I thought you only wanted
a wash and blow dry. Mam!

Very lazy race of people, the gays.
And you can't say anything to 'em

because they're classed as
a minority.

Not that there seems to be
a shortage of them.

Morning!

I don't think they're all lazy -
that one never stops.

Why does no one ever listen to me?

In my day, you had to ask permission
to leave the table. Shove it!

Are you gonna stand for that?

He didn't say it to me.

Well, he'll never win it.
I've seen the dancing he does.

All that writhing around
on the floor

like you're trying to
break your own back.

It's called street dancing.

My Mel was a beautiful dancer.

Very light on his feet.

Maybe I could dance with
our Michael.

Mel wasn't that much taller
than him.

We used to do a Jitterbug.

It wouldn't take that long
to teach him.

Then again, I could always resurrect
my Black Bottom.

Yeah. That'd cheer him up no end!

'Chamber maid!'

'Chamber maid!'
Please go away!

Chamber maid!
How did you open the door?

I've got a pass key.
But you don't work for the hotel.

How did you get that?
It's not who you know...

it's who you sleep with. Right,
we've got a little light breakfast

and then we need to find you
a dance partner.

I don't want a dance partner.
Please leave me alone.

But I need you to win
this competition

so I don't have to pay out
on the prize.

Oh, come on.
I know your dirty little secret.

I beg your pardon?
All them dance trophies

you once tried to take to the
car boot and Troy wouldn't let you.

I won those when I was 12.
Aw, bless.

I can see you now in your maroon
cat suit, bursting at the seams

like a little saveloy in tap shoes.
I am not dancing for you.

Even if I wanted to, which I don't,
that was almost 30 years ago.

Believe me,
dancing is like the clap...

once you have it, you never lose it.
Please, Kenneth. I won't ask again.

Just leave me alone.
I'm just trying to - Please!

It's not my fault
you've had a row with Troy.

I was just trying to make sure
that you have a nice holiday.

But fine. If you want me to go,
that's just fine.

I know when I'm not wanted.

You won't see me again today.

There's no point in letting this
go to waste, is there?

See you later.

Yesterday she electrify swimmers in
the pool with her stupid microphone

and today you say
she shoot you with a gun.

This woman has to go.

It was a staple gun. And anyway,
I'm pretty sure it was an accident.

Ow!
Hold still, young' un. Nearly done.

If we all stick together
and say we cannot work with her,

they will sack her, yes?

Come on, has the mouse
got your tongues?

She looks like a scary drag queen

with her big hair and too much
make-up. No offence, Lesley.

Yeah, but we've got rid of her now.
What are you talking about?

I'm saying, now we've the new one
that you really like!

Are you crazy?
Listen to what I am saying.

I do not like the new manager. I...

I... I...

love her.

I cannot explain it.

Yes, she is beautiful,
but it is more than that.

Every time we are together,
my heart beats so fast.

But how can I say this to her?

She is the boss
and I am just a barman...

a very good looking barman,
but just a barman.

I know we can never be together.

Mrs Temple-Savage, how long
have you been standing there?

Not long.

Carry on with your work, boys.

Ladies.

And it's Miss Temple-Savage.

I think I got away with that one.

Mateo.

I'm not sure you did, pal.

All right.
There you go. That should be OK.

But I think, for safety reasons,

you should just stick to
one person, one sun bed.

My wife and I were practising
the high lift from Dirty Dancing.

For the competition tonight.
Right.

Why don't you practice it
in the pool?

Then next time, if you drop her,
it won't be so dangerous.

Oh! You think it should be
lifting Jacqueline?

Ooh, there you are.

Three teas.

You don't want to be drinking alcohol
at this time of the day.

You'll end up with a spastic liver
by the time you're 40.

Or 50.

You know, I'm actually
a year younger than Sam.

Oh, are you?

I am sorry.
I didn't mean to be rude.

Come to think of it,
you do look a similar age...

if you don't count the face area.

We were just saying, we don't mind
if you want to sit somewhere else.

We spend most of the day
eyeing up men and talking about sex.

We wouldn't want to offend you.

Oh, I've been around the block
a few times, don't you worry.

I could be your look out.

Fresh bit of meat at 11 o'clock.

Hey! Nice one, Noreen!

What can I do you for, young man?
Hello. Is Liam around?

Not right now.
Can I give him a message?

Yeah. I just need to give him
some keys.

Ah. You must be Jack,
his new flat mate.

Liam's my son.

Oh, hello. I thought he said his mum
lived in the UK.

She does. I'm-I'm his dad.

Oh, right.

Sorry, it's just that in Benidorm,

you get loads of ugly,
middle aged women with deep voices.

No offence.
No, no, no, no.

None taken... I think.

Yes, pet?
Cup of tea and a Diet Coke please.

Coming right up.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?
I'm sorry?

How did you know I was here?
I didn't.

Oh, right.
So it's a big coincidence, is it?

Look, Jack, you got into
enough trouble last time we met.

I think it's best if you just go.

How do you know my name?
You what?

You just called me Jack.
How do you know my name?

Have we met before?

Well, apart from you stalking me
and ruining my mother's wedding day?

Are you taking the piss?
Jack! Are you all moved in?

All right, mate.
Yeah, sweet, all sorted.

Here. One set of keys,
returned as promised. Brilliant.

I've got to put up a sign.
It'll only take ten minutes.

Then I'm on a break.
JACK: I'll just chill here. Cool.

I hope you find
who you're looking for.

One cup of tea, one Diet Coke.

Everything all right?
No, it's not.

Now, we need to make sure
the water's not too hot. Hot.

Mr Dixon's son is a solicitor.

We don't want to be sued from
arsehole to breakfast time, do we?

Actually, he's a barrister.
Best keep your mouth shut, Mr Dixon.

We don't want it filling up
with hot water, do we?

Now we put on the shampoo.

Shampoo.

That's right.

Now, I know this seems extravagant
for that amount of hair,

but we never discriminate...

even if the client
is a breath away from death.

It is perfume-free shampoo, isn't it?

I have a bit of an eczema problem
around the scalp.

Can you be quiet, please, Mr Dixon?
Tricky part of the operation, this.

Plus you may as well
save your breath...

Carmen's still not up to speed
with the language. Lovely, Carmen.

Ooh, that'll be the new sign.

I'll be back in a minute.

More, more.

Are you going anywhere nice
on your holidays?

Oh, thanks Liam. I owe you a drink.

No worries. I said when it came
I'd put it up for you.

When you've finished with the sign,
we can go grab a spare room!

Hey, cheeky!

What's going on here?
I'm re-branding.

Blow and Go?

Take that sign down now.

Leave that sign where it is.

I am telling you
to take down that sign.

And I am telling you
to leave that sign where it is.

Make a decision!
I don't know if I'm coming or going.

It's this kind of filth
that's going to downgrade us

to a two star rating and I'm trying
to get us up to a four.

I think you'll find the only filth
is in your mind.

I am Derby Blow Wave champion
six years running.

I am at the cutting edge
of fashion and hair design

and I'm not letting you stand in way

of me attracting a young, hip,
trendy clientele.

I think I've had a bit of a reaction
to that shampoo.

Oh, my God!

Of course it's him.

I'd recognise that skinny little
runt anywhere.

He wants to thank his lucky stars
my Mel's not still around...

we'd have a bloodbath on our hands.

What if he's still hanging around
when Mick gets here?

Ooh, that's a point.
If Mick starts, skinny or not,

that lad'll make mince meat
out of that big pudding.

I beg your pardon?

My husband is very capable
of defending my honour.

And where is he when you need him?

He's been at home making sure
we've got a business to go back to

when we've finished this holiday.

And when he comes here,
he'll find you sitting there

slavering over the lad
you had a fling with.

I did not have a fling with him,
and I'm not slavering.

I just told you, I met him once
and he became obsessed with me.

Oh, I can see that.
He can't keep his eyes off you!

Why are you girls
sitting in the shade?

You're welcome to join me here.
I don't bite, unless you ask nicely.

I like the sound of that.

All right, less is more.

In the buffet of life,

you get nothing for standing
at the back of the queue.

Excuse me. I want a word with you.

Oh, no, not again.
I don't know what your game is, lad,

but I'd make yourself scarce
if I were you.

Calm down, She-Ra.

You what?
Don't Trudy. She's a nutter.

I think I can sort this out, ladies.

I obviously look like
someone you know.

But I can assure you
we've never met.

A case of rather sad
but wishful thinking.

Better luck next time, love.

You're starting to get on my nerves,
lady. It's just a misunderstanding.

Just keep your distance, soft lad,

because if my husband
sees you're still stalking me

when he gets here later on, believe
me, your life won't be worth living.

Stalking you? I didn't realise
it was grab a granny week.

No, it's not.

Oh, my God!
It's strangle a slapper week.

And unless you want a bit more of
this, I recommend you take yourself,

your skanky mate
and your 12-year-old boyfriend

as far away from me as possible.
Use both hands!

I know what I'm doing, thank you,
mother.

I can't breathe!
And for your information,

I a grandmother and proud of it.

What's going on here?

Just a bit of friendly advice.

You should have ripped her head off
and thrown it in the pool.

Don't be ridiculous, mother.
Our Michael's got to swim in that.

Well?

Well what?! That mad bitch
just nearly killed me!

Shh, shh. This is not
the kind of behaviour

we tolerate at a Solana resort.

You're not in some grubby Spanish
all inclusive now, you know.

I've got my eye on you two.

That was unbelievable.

Yeah. Thanks for jumping
so gallantly to my defence!

Oh, God, what do you call it?
Grievous bodily harm.

No. Out of Star Wars.

Darth Vader Death Grip. That's it!

Wicked!

Right, that's all sorted.

I see you've made friends already.

Good afternoon, ladies and
gentlemen, senors and senoritas,

mein herr and mein... him.

Joyce Temple-Savage here,
your Solana manageress,

reminding you
of tonight's dance competition.

Rehearsal space will be available
in the Hawaiian function room

with coaching
from TV's very own Cyril Babcock.

OK, OK, stop the music.

Thank you, Irene, Brendan.
Just stay there for a minute.

Now, where do I start?

That was supposed to be
the Argentine Tango.

I could see nothing
resembling a Tango

and the only thing that reminded me
of Argentina

was the fact you looked like
two lumps of corned beef

shuffling around the floor.
OK, assume the position.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is the Tango.

It's about passion, it's about lust,
it's about sex.

I need you both oozing sexuality.

I think Irene and Brendan
could start oozing a few things,

but sexuality is not one of them.

Oh, I don't know.
I like bald men who wear glasses.

Do you?
Oh, yeah.

And I like bald men
who don't wear glasses.

Right.

I'm quite keen on men with hair
that don't wear glasses, too.

Oh, yeah?
And of course, I love men with hair

that do wear glasses.

I suppose
you could save a bit of time

and just say you like
all men, really.

Oh, yeah.

And women, of course.

I'm not fussed either way
if they wear glasses or not.

I think you've made
a rod for your own back

as far as she's concerned, son.
What does this mean?

With Joyce, man.
She thinks it's game on.

One smile from you and she'll jump
on you like a tramp on a kipper.

Can you stop talking like this?
I do not understand.

You've got to tell her
you're not interested, man.

You've got to lay your cards
on the table. Lay them on the table?

Absolutely.
But remember, she's the boss.

Just you make sure
you let her down gently.

OK, you two, Maria and Pilar
are taking over here.

I want you both in
the Hawaiian function room.

Bit top heavy on women dancers
so we need a couple of men

to balance things out.
Nae bother.

My wig was starting to chafe
in this heat anyway.

I'll just gan swill my face.
Spoken like a true lady!

Mateo?

A word, please.

Come on, come on.

I think it only fair to tell you
that I heard what you said earlier.

Yes. I need to talk to you
about this.

Yes.

I am sorry I made a rod for you.

Ooh.

Well, thankfully you were
standing behind the bar at the time

and nobody noticed.

Miss Temple-Savage, listen to me.
Yes.

I have many cards
and I need to lay you on the table.

Please, call me Joyce.

Joyce, I need you to know
how I feel.

I want you to go... down gently.

Well, don't worry.
I've got a lot of experience.

You're in very safe hands.

Erm... you wanted to see me?

Yes!

Hasta la vista, carino.

Can you dance?
No.

Don't worry, it's still there.
What is?

Your head.

Here you are,
get that down your necks.

Nice one.

Thank you.
Everything all right?

Here he is. Come on, son.
You're a drink behind.

You lot go without me. I've got to
stay and dance with some pensioners.

Oh, my God, mate.
Your job is just mental!

Is it for this dance competition?

Yeah. I've told my boss
I'm no good at dancing

but she said I've got to
make up the numbers.

There's a prize for 100 euros, isn't
there? A voucher for the salon, yeah.

Great. I'll come with you.

Why don't we all go?
It'll be a laugh.

Don't put yourself out.

I don't think your mate likes me.
No, I don't think she does.

Oh, no, I'm choked.

Did you get it? Choked.

Yeah. Hilarious!

No, no. Stop the music. I'm sorry.
I can't watch any more of this.

Our friend in the yellow, with the
blistered forehead - your name is?

Mr Dixon.

Mr Dixon. I'm sorry, sir, but your
timing is all over the place.

Feet are very heavy and plodding,
there's far too much hesitation.

There's no connection with the music.

I mean, it's a disaster.
It's an unmitigated disaster.

Well, I must say, I haven't
taken to the floor in some time.

You nearly took to the floor
for the last time

the way our friend in blue
was dragging you.

Does he owe you money or something?
You what?

I mean, a lady of your petite size

should have style and grace to spare,
but it's just terrible.

What's your name, my darling?

My name is Madge.

Madge.
I just don't know where to start.

Your head position is all over
the place, your lines were dreadful.

You're not extending from the hip.
I'm lost for words.

Really? Well, for somebody
who doesn't know what to say,

you're something of a gob shite.

I beg your pardon?

Listen here.
I was doing the Viennese waltz

before I you could walk. And don't
talk to me about style and grace

standing there
looking like a busted orange

with your nylon wig
and your big girl's blouse.

And as for extending from the hip,

I'll be extending my right fist
into that fat, ugly face of yours

if you don't learn some manners!

Ladies and gents,
I think it's time for a break. Yeah!

It'll be your fat neck
if I get another peep out of you.

Look, Maud -
Madge!

Madge. You're very welcome to leave
at any time.

I am merely here to offer people
some expert advice

and point them in
the right direction. Direction?

You couldn't direct piss
into a bucket!

Mother, sit down.
Yeah, show Squirrel some respect.

Thank you, I -
I beg your pardon?

You are the teacher,
she is the pupil.

She should show you some respect.
No, I mean, what did you call me?

Squirrel.
Squirrel?

Yes. It's your name -
Squirrel Bigcock.

It's a stage name, yes?

Squirrel Bigcock?

My name is Cyril Babcock.

Oh.

Is the same, no?
No, it is not the same.

Keep your opinions to yourself.
You're staff.

You should speak when spoken to.
Hey, what is wrong with you?

I was saying you are the teacher.

If I was teaching someone to dance,
I would want some respect.

Yes, well, you're not a dancer.
You mop up spilt drinks for a living.

Go and sit down, young man.
I think we can all do with a...

I can dance better than you.

Would you care to repeat that?
I can dance better than you.

Are you challenging me
to a dance off, young man?

Mateo versus Squirrel.

Let's do it.

Music!

What's going on here?

Cyril and Mateo
are having a dance off.

Well, he's here to teach.

He shouldn't be dancing like that.
He's got a heart condition.

Do you know him, like?

Well... we worked together in a Club
Med resort in the early nineties.

I was a rep

and Cyril and his wife, well, they
were resident dancing instructors.

We were very close.

I mean, just good friends.
He was a married man.

Anyway, that was all
a long time ago.

Ole!

Oh!

Oh, my God, my God!

Cyril! Are you OK?

Joyce. My darling Joyce.

It's been a long time.

Are you sure
you don't want to see a doctor?

I'm fine, I'm fine.
I just need to get my breath back.

I'd heard you were working here.
I assumed you were avoiding me.

Not at all, Cyril.
Why would I do that?

I just didn't want to make things
difficult for you.

You know your wife didn't like me.
I assumed she'd be here.

Genevieve died in 2001.

Oh, Cyril, I'm so sorry.

It was a steam roller accident
at a country fair.

Oh, my God. She was run over
by a steam roller?

No, no. Nothing as horrific as that.

She was driving it.
Had a heart attack at the wheel.

I'm so sorry.

The two main loves
in Genevieve's life

were dance
and agricultural machinery.

She used to show tractors, ploughs
and such at these country fairs.

It became something of an obsession.

She was only 56 when she died.
She'd just put a deposit down

on a four wheel drive rear-mounted
hydraulic potato sorter.

It was delivered
on the day of her funeral.

She never even saw it.

But listen to me dancing down
memory lane! How are you?

You look radiant.

You haven't aged a day
since Faliraki.

I certainly feel as though I have.

No, I'm fine. You know me,
same old Joyce. All work and no play.

Married?
No.

But you must have
a gentlemen friend. No. Not really.

I just don't understand it, Joyce.

I was never what you'd call handsome

but I seemed to get
the pick of the crop.

Whereas you are as beautiful and as
ravishing as you were 20 years ago,

yet you seem just as lonely.

Something has happened...
very recently, here in fact.

He's far too young for me,
but he's very keen.

Of course he is.
He'd be a fool not to be.

Ah, Squirrel.
Are you sure you are OK?

I have somebody outside
who can take you to the hospital.

Suddenly everything seems
very clear.

Mr Babcock is fine, Mateo,

if you'd like to get back to work.

Hey, Squirrel,
you are a good dancer, you know.

I think you won.

No.

No, my friend. I think you'll find
you are the winner.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, let's get
the contest off to a great start

with contestants number one.

Please welcome to the floor,
dancing the Lambada,

Donald and Jacqueline Stewart.

Let's hear it, folks.

Oh, my God. That is rough!

They're actually not that bad.
They're better than me and Trudy.

How you getting on with Sam?
She's dead nice, isn't she?

Yeah, she's OK. Not my type, though.

No? What is your type?

Specific, mate.

Very specific.

She's gonna put her back out.

And then when he falls on top of her,
that'll be her lot.

Thank you and good night.

Are you nervous, Michael?
I wanted my dad to see me.

Where is he? He was supposed to be
here ages ago. Why hasn't he rang?

The flight must have been delayed.
He'll be here soon.

Maybe he's had a better offer.
What does that mean?

He's always had a wandering eye,
that one.

On a plane, all them young dolly bird
stewardesses.

You won't see him tonight.

Oh, look, she's coming over now.

You better say something or she'll
be sniffing round you all season

like a fly round a cow's arse.

But I've tried. I cannot make her
understand. You must help me.

Oh, sorry pal, you're on your own
with this one.

We need to talk. Get two gin
and lemons and join me over there.

But I don't like gin.
Oh, yes. Bring a drink for yourself.

Donald and Jacqueline there with
their unique take on the Lambada.

Can we have a mop and bucket
on that floor, please?

Next up we have Michael Garvey
with his solo street dance.

Let's hear it for Michael.

Miss Temple-Savage -
Joyce.

Joyce, I need to tell you something.
Please, let me speak first.

No, this is very important.
You and me...

it's never going to happen.
If you'll just listen - What?

You're a handsome man
and I am very flattered,

but you're not the one for me.

OK.

I know this is going to be
very difficult

but you're going to have to
put your passion for me to one side.

See, I've already missed
an opportunity to be with somebody

that I cared for very deeply.

Now circumstances
mean there's another chance.

And at my age, that's something
you can't pass up on.

I'm going to need
some Dutch courage.

Oh, I'm sorry.
What is it you wanted to say to me?

Michael Garvey there
with a very modern and novel routine.

Next up, with a twist, we have
Mateo Castellano and Noreen Maltby.

Oh, you little beauty!

I'm not dancing.
What are you having to drink?

Nothing. I'm fine.

This is gonna be a fun evening,
isn't it?

He hasn't called.
Of course he hasn't called you.

It was you who suggested
coming out here on your own.

Oh, look.

Just because he hasn't rung
doesn't mean he loves you any less.

No, it's quite the reverse.

He thinks you've asked for a bit of
space and he's giving it to you.

That's how much he loves you.

Now will you please
show how much you love me

and win this competition
so I don't have to pay out?

I'm not dancing with you.
Yes!

Now, don't worry. Your dance partner
should be here along any minute now.

Who?
Shh!

Whoa!

Don't think Sam and Jack
are getting on too well.

I think he likes her.
Really?

Well, when I say that, I mean
he hasn't tried to strangle her yet.

He's a bit weird, isn't he?
I thought he was your mate.

No, he just answered an ad
in the paper about my spare room.

You just gave it to the first nutter
that came along?

Genius!

That was Liam and Trudy.
Very nicely done.

Next on the floor with the pasodoble,
Gavin Ramsbottom and partner.

Right.
Come on, you, get on your feet.

It's you, isn't it?
I'm dancing with you?

Forget about it.
I'm not making a fool of myself!

There's a turn up for the books.
The pros are in tonight, folks.

Next in line
are Janice and Mick Garvey.

Sorry, love, he's not here.
Well, there's a surprise!

I wonder who she is this time.

I've never spoken to you
like this before, mother,

and God forgive me for saying it,

but if you don't shut your gob,
I will happily shut it for you!

Never mind. That just leaves us with
our final contestants, Jack and Sam.

I hope that's not two fellas.
We do have some standards, you know.

Where are you, Jack and Sam?
We didn't rehearse anything.

What dance are we supposed to be
doing? A gentleman's excuse me.

How does that go?
It's easy. Excuse me.

May I have this dance?

No, you may not. Now piss off.
Now, now, that's not very nice.

What is wrong with your mate?
I told you, he's mental.

He's not my mate.
He just answered an ad in the paper.

An ad for what? Psychotic nut job?

Let go of me.

I'm sorry for pretending
not to recognise you, Janice.

It just that the last time
we bumped into each other,

you weren't that keen, so I thought
I'd try a bit of reverse psychology.

When that didn't work,
I realised I would have to

go for good old fashioned
brute force.

Let go of me! I don't even know you

and my husband will be here
in a minute.

I'll believe that when I see it.

Fancy meeting you here.
Mick.

Who's that knob head?
Somebody who thought he was helping

until you got here.
Yeah, well, I'm here now.

I want a word with you.
What? Outside now.

Who died and left you
a pair of balls? Outside!

What?

Keys.

What?
Keys to my flat.

I've changed my mind.

Don't be like that, Liam.
I thought we were friends.

I don't want a coward
who goes around threatening women

as a flatmate, and I certainly
don't want him as a friend.

Well, I'm sorry mate.
That's not the way I see it.

I want my keys back.

What, these?
Yeah. Oops.

Oops.

I think you'll find
these are my keys.

You can't stay in someone's flat
when they don't want you there.

Really? Who says I can't?

I do.

Oh, my God! You've killed him!
Course I haven't, soft lad.

Have you never smashed anyone
over the head with a bottle of beer?

No, I haven't!
Come on.

They're about to announce the winner
of the dance competition.

We can't just leave him here
in the middle of the street!

OK, ladies and gentlemen,
it's Gavin Ramsbottom and partner!

Well done, everybody. And remember,
it's not the taking part...

it's the winning - that counts.

Now, if you'd like to all join in,
it's the last dance of the evening.

♪ I wonder should I go
or should I stay ♪

♪ The band had only one more song
to play...♪

So on scale of one to ten,
how much have you missed me?

Is everything all right
with the shop?

Did they find out the cause
of the fire? Oh, that much?

Of course I've missed you, silly sod.
I'm just asking.

The cause of the fire
were them cheap tanning tubes

I bought off Chinese Eric. The place
went up like a bunch of dried twigs.

Bloody hell. Well thank God
we only tried them out in one shop.

Yeah. Thank God.

Joyce, I don't know what to say.

I'm not the man I used to be.

I can hardly compete
with your young chap.

He never was my chap.

I leave for Thailand tomorrow.
A month-long contract

choreographing for
The Bobby Chung Situation.

The what?
A lady boy revue in Bangkok.

Oh.

I'll be back in four weeks.

Wait for me.

You know where to find to find me.

What are we gonna do?
What do you mean?

What do you think I mean?
Everything's insured.

There's nothing to worry about.
When you took over the shops from Mel

you said insurance was a mug's game
and refused to pay it.

Of course I paid it.
Now stop worrying.

One of the shop's burns to the ground

and he says stop worrying?
Oi, come here.

Just tell me you've paid
the insurance premium, Mick.

What do you take me for?
Some kind of idiot?

Now come here.

Can somebody help me, please?

Hello!

Can somebody help me, please?