All language subtitles for Benidorm S04E05 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

Troy, how are you?

I'm fine. No, it's bright sunshine
this morning.

Yes, it was some kind of freak storm.

Speaking of freaks, one second.

I'm sorry. Someone's sitting there.

Hello? You're sitting in someone's
chair.

I have a number of friends who are
homosexual.

Both my parents were alcoholics. It
doesn't mean I wish to sit with one!

Sorry, Troy. Go on.

How's your father today?

Yes?

Oh, my goodness. I'm SO sorry.

You wouldn't suit a hat.

Your head is too big.
Look, will you go away?!

Sorry, love. You can't sit there.
Who says I can't?

Look, I tell you what. If you move,
I'll open the bar now.

Thank you.
No problem.

Erm, I'll...get on the first plane
this morning.

Are you absolutely sure? OK.

OK. Call me later.

Troy?

I love you. # I can see clearly
now the rain is gone

'Ey. What about this, then, eh?

Oh, come on, misery-chops.

Even you can't put a downer on the
fact that the sun's come out.

That was Troy.
Oh, aye?

How's his dad?

Oh, God.

I'll get us a coffee.

Oh, that's better!

Feel that sun.
Looks like your theory

of yesterday's storm being a
terrorist attack has hit a dead end.

Oh, don't you believe it. It's all
part of the cover-up.

Oh. I've got something for you.

I forgot to give you it last night.

I'll bring it over in a minute.

What's all that about?
Search me.

You have won second prize in a beauty
contest (!)

Donald and Jacqueline came joint
first. Oh, shut up!

You should eat something. You'll fade
away.

Well, you know what I mean.
Morning, boys!

Space at your table?
Oh, God. That's all I need.

I'm going for a lie down.

All right. See you in a bit.

Is it something I said?
Troy just called.

His dad passed away last night.

Oh! I am sorry.

Yeah, it's a weird one. Troy didn't
really know him.

His dad got in touch when he knew he
didn't have long to go.

Oh! We've just been looking at
coffins on the internet.

For Donald. Shall I pop these up to
him?

No. He's being buried tonight, so
they're probably sorted, to be
honest.

Died yesterday and buried tonight?

Did they get a last minute
cancellation?

No. Troy's dad was a Muslim.

Part of his religion to get buried
within 24 hours.

Oh! I quite like the sound of that.

No messing around, no hassle.

Plus, you're not that fussed on
pork.

And you'd look lovely in a turban.

Thanks Mum.
You're all right, love.

Bloody hell, Michael! What have you
done?

Well...you said put plenty on.

I know I did, but... Well, make sure
you rub it in.

'Ey. Go steady with that in the
future.

It's about three quid a bottle.

Three quid a bottle? When was the
last time you bought sun cream?

Michael, you could've saved me a bit.

Sorry.

Here you go.
Thanks, Mam.

Mother, this is cooking oil.
Does the job for me.

Here's the note off the fella who
sang on the karaoke last night.

Johnny Neptune.

Thank you.

Oh, I doubt it's for us. She's
probably made a mistake.

What's it say?
'I hope you don't think me rude,

but I overheard you talking about
possibly looking for a business
in Spain.'

'A friend of mine has run into
trouble with his bar.'

'He just needs someone to take over
the lease.'

'3,000 euros. Address below.'

Nosey bleeder! Fancy listening to
other people's conversations.

It's a scam. It's obvious, innit?

Surprised he didn't ask for bank
details, so his uncle,
the ex-prime minister of Nigeria,

can clear a cheque for $10 million.

I don't think it would be a scam.

Why would you say that? You don't
know him.

No. No, I don't.

How much did you say they wanted?
Three grand.

They're taking the piss.
That's what we got for the gokart.

It's a sign. It's a sign from Mel.

You think this note is a sign from
Mel from beyond the grave

to tell you to open a bar in Benidorm
on your own?

Absolutely.
Huh! I've heard everything now.

Saying that, I don't think he knew
anybody in Nigeria.

Although, he did once see Johnny
Mathis in concert.

So maybe there's a connection there.

Right. I'll have a couple of hours
in the sun.

Then I'll go over and check this bar
out.

Mother! This whole rubbish about you
staying here is just upsetting me.

Why are you doing it?
It was Mel's dream

to have a successful business here
in Benidorm.

And I'm gonna make sure that dream
comes true.

Oh, for God's sake. Where are you
going now? I'm off for a piss.

Or is that gonna upset you, an' all?

Listen, son. All good things come to
an end.

And if I'm absolutely honest...

..I didn't think she was right for
you.

She's beautiful.

Beauty is only skin deep. Like the
fella I've got a date with tonight.

If I found out he was only meeting me
because of me looks,

I'd drop him like a hot potato.

You all right there, prett?

Look, you're going back with your mam
tomorrow. It's all good timing.

No. I'm gonna give it one last go.

She's like a mythical creature.

I don't think I'll ever see anything
like her again.

Ha-ha. If I had a euro every time
somebody said that about me...

Oh, I'm gonna miss all this.

Oh, yes. Me too.

Well, you're not going anywhere yet.
It's me that's going first.

Well, that's true.

But you can be certain I won't be far
behind you.

Hello. I don't mean to bother you
both.

But I just wanted to say, I'm so
sorry to hear about you.

Well...

That you're not going to be...

erm... Well, I mean...

The fact that you've got...

Three months to live.

Oh, it sounds awful when you put it
like that.

Wouldn't it be better to put it into
weeks?

If our Geoff were here, he'd be able
to work that out for you.

It all amounts to the same thing,
whichever way you say it.

Three months - 12 weeks.

84 days.
Actually,

it doesn't sound so bad when you say
that.

Didn't Philleas Frog go round the
world in 80 days?

You could have four days to recover.

Well, we're not moping around.

We're planning a lovely service.

We've got Jimmy Cricket giving the
eulogy.

Ooh! How do you know him?

I was a theatrical agent for a brief
spell many years ago.

I still have quite a few connections.

Donald used to handle Frankie Howerd
in the '70s. Didn't you?

Frequently.

How's your daughter?

We saw her slumped over the bar
earlier.

We didn't like to bother her.

Well...she's not too bad, thank you.

She's on some medication that doesn't
agree with her.

Well, I'd better be off.

I'll see you later.

Another glass of medication?

Oh, yes!

I'm not sure this is a good idea.

We should stay at the Solana.

What if Troy can't get me on my
mobile?

Don't panic. He's got my number as
well..

It'll do us good to get out of the
place for a bit.

No, I'm sorry. Unless you tell me
where we're going, I'm turning back.

Oh, you are such a spoilsport!

OK. Here you are. Look.

Benidorm Museum of Culture?

Is this a joke? No! I thought
you were into museums and stuff.

Look. It's open 10AM to 6PM.
I thought we could spend
the day there.

I'm not sure a history of the full
English breakfast will fill
eight hours.

Oh, well, let's forget it, then.
Let's go back,

sit on our arses and let Donald talk
about catering packs of embalming
fluid (!)

No, Kenneth.

Kenneth!

I'm sorry. I was being ungrateful.

It's not exactly the Guggenheim.
But, no.

Let's go. It'll be fun.

The thing about the Googleheim,
if it's crap,

it hasn't got a beach next to it.

Guggenheim!

Mateo.

My slightly greasy but very
accommodating colleague will be
with you shortly.

Mateo!

Woof! Ola!

Welcome to the Solana. My name is
Mateo. How can I help you?

Hi. We're Bananarama.
Banani-who?

Banana-rama?
Nice names.

We're the group booked for your '80s
night. We're called Bananarama.

Banana...rama.

This is a joke name, yes?
Hello.

Are you the tribute act?
We're Bananarama.

Isn't there supposed to be three of
you? Where's the other one?

She left in 1988. How can you be
a Bananarama tribute band
if there's only two of you?

We're not a tribute band. We are
Bananarama.

Yeah, sure you are (!)

We had a Queen tribute act here last
week.

Lead singer was the same. Changed
his name by deed poll.

Wears all the gear all the time.

Big, black 'tache. Lives his life
exactly like Freddie Mercury.

His wife wasn't too thrilled about
it.

But that's showbusiness, I suppose.

We're not a tribute act. I'm Sara
Dallin,

this is Keren Woodward and we are
Bananarama.

Here we are. So you're telling me

that we've booked the real
Bananarama for 400 euros?

We've been a bit quiet lately.

If you are the real thing,
you probably don't need the money.

Isn't one of you married to George
Michael? No.

Right. Well, Mateo will show you to
your room when you're ready.

Good luck with that.

And just so you know, real
Bananarama or not,

if there's not three of you on the
stage tonight, you won't get paid.

So. Which one of you is Banana?

What are you doing?
Seeing if I can cut through this.

You've got a broken leg.
I know.

I've also got no chance of getting a
shag with this plaster on it.

You won't be able to walk.
It's not walking I'm interesting in!

No. You won't be able to walk...
for the rest of your life.

Don't exaggerate.

Natalie?

Can I have a word?
No.

Sam, I'm warning you. You'll regret
this.

Why is it you're always fighting men
off and I can't get a look in?

Better to have quality than quantity.

I haven't got either. I mean, what's
wrong with me?

Seriously. Plaster on my leg or not,
I'm fit.

You tell me what self-respecting man
wouldn't want a slice of this.

Maybe you're just trying a bit too
hard.

Just lie back and let them come to
you.

Works for me.

Yeah, I can see that.

'Shall I compare thee to a summer's
day?'

'Thou art more lovely...
and more temperate.'

'Rough winds do shake the darling
buds of May

and summer's lease hath all too short
a date.'

'Sometime too hot the eye of heaven
shines.'

'And often is his gold complexion
dimmed.'

'And every fair from fair sometime
declines...

..by chance...or nature's changing
course...

..untrimmed.'

I'm getting another drink. Do you
want one? Yeah, go on, then.

You haven't got a hacksaw, have you?

Ola.
Oh. Hello.

Erm...can I have a mixed fruit juice
and a vodka and Diet Coke, please?

Double?
Erm...

Better make it a single.

It's gonna be a long day.

You are coming to the '80s night
tonight? Not sure.

See how my friend feels.

We have Banani-rama. Very good.

Mateo?
Mm?

Can we have a chat tonight? I don't
mean two minutes, I mean...

a proper chat.
Sure.

It's my night off tonight.

I meet you in Neptune's. Then maybe
we go somewhere else.

OK.

See you later.
See you later.

'Ey, amigo!

I need your help. What can I do for
you, my little tranny friend?

Look.

I'm not one to go pulling in favours,
but... Well...

You know how I kind of saved your
job? Leslie.

You did not save my job.

I lost my job and you...you make it
happen again. How do you say?

Aye. I got your job back.
You got me my job back.

What I'm saying. And for this,
I will help you in any way I can.

I owe you, brother.

I mean..sister.

The thing is, I've got a date
tonight.

Really? No problem. I will work for
you.

You go out, you have fun.

Meet the man of your dreams, marry,

have little tranny babies. All is
good.

No. I've got someone to cover my
shift.

But I need somebody to go with me.
Go with you?

Yeah. It's kind of a...a double date.

What is double date? Well, I need
to take a friend. For his friend.

No, no, no, no, no, no ,no, no, no.

No. I am not a homosexual gay.

No. You wouldn't have to do anything.
Just sit there.

I'll even pay for the meal.
No.

This is not going to happen.

Right. OK.

So me getting you your job back
wasn't such a big deal after all.

Yes, pet.
Orange juice, please.

Orange juice. Yes, pet. Coming up.

You all right, son? How's it going?

Not great.

Oh. Erm...

I brought you this.

I thought you could wear it for your
date.

Oh, thanks, son. But er...

..I'm not going now. But you were
really looking forward to it.

Well, never mind, eh? Seems neither
of us are having much luck lately.

I will just have to sit at the table.
That's all.

No going to dodgy clubs in the old
town after.

All you've got to do is eat.

OK, Cinderella. You will have your
balls.

Oh! Hey, man.

I could kiss you!
Hey! Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I'd love to move to Spain, Nana.

Swimming on the beach in my lunch
hour at school? Cool!

Nobody's asking you to move to
Spain.

You can't just start running a
business in a foreign country
all on your own.

Me and Mel did it before. And look
what a roaring success that was (!)

Exactly. You AND Mel did it before.

You're on your own now.
Oh, thanks for reminding me.

For your information,
I am staying in Benidorm.

I'm gonna run a successful business
and I'm gonna do it for Mel.

Here we are. The Batley Arms.

Hang on. Wasn't this...

Mel's mobility shop! I told you!

It's a sign!

Excuse me. We're looking for the
owner.

Oh, I'm sorry, love. He's...

Oh, hello, Madge. How are you doing?
Oh, Christ! Not you.

This isn't your bar, is it?
No, no. It's Freddie Coleman's bar.

You know Freddie. Used to do a drag
act at the Queen's in the old town.

Wife left him earlier in the year.
He was gutted.

She took all his best frocks.
Anyway, listen to me banging on.

Have a seat. What can I get you?
We're here on business,
not pleasure.

When's he back?
What, Freddie?

He's touring UK with The
Grumbleweeds.

I thought this place was for sale.
It is.

Well, not for sale, as such.
But he needs someone to take
over the place.

I've heard he wants three grand. I'll
give him a grand. Not a penny more.

Oh, I think you've missed the point.

It's a five year lease. He pays you
three grand to take it over.

Freddie's sweating his bollocks off
doing eight shows a week in a nylon
wig,

just to keep this place afloat.
You what?

It's happening all over Benidorm.
Too many bars, not enough tourists.

Well, that's not true. There are
enough tourists.

They just aren't spending their
money. Right, come on.

We've heard enough. Madge?

All right.

Thanks, son.
Come on, Mam.

Have a drink before you go.
90 cents a pint - cheapest in Beni.

Sorry, love. It's all-inclusive at
the Solana.

Aye. That's the problem.

Never mind, Mam. I suppose it's a
lucky escape in some ways.

You don't want to go limping from
one disaster to another.

I'm sorry, Mel.

I tried. I tried.

Well, I'd say I was surprised, but it
would of course be a filthy lie!

I can't understand it. It's in the
guide book.

'Benidorm on a budget, 1999.'

Well, we're not far from the beach.
And I brought a couple of towels.

Not far from the beach? It took two
buses and a 15-minute walk
to get here!

Well, no. According to this guide
book...

there's a lovely cove beach two
minutes down this road.

Well, I hope they've not moved it
since 1999 (!)

# FRANK SINATRA: The Summer Wind

(GASPS)

It's gorgeous!

Good thing I like using an out of
date guide book.

You sometimes come across a lost
treasure.

Absolutely!

Well, I think 40 winks may be in
order.

I hope the sound of the waves
lapping against the shore isn't
too intrusive (!)

I think I'll cope.

You really should eat something,
you know.

I'm not hungry.
Did you get any sleep last night?

What day is it today?
Look, Pauline.

I think we need to talk.

Ola.
Two more cocktails.

Sorry. No more cocktails.
What do you mean, no more cocktails?

It's two o'clock in the afternoon.

No more cocktails for YOU.

I beg your pardon?
My boss, she say,

'Do not serve the angry alcoholic
lesbian. She drink too much.'

Say that again.

My boss, she say, 'Do not serve the
angry, alcoholic lesbian.
She drink too much.'

So, apart from your own narrow-minded
prejudices,

on what evidence are you basing
your...

wild assumption that I'm...
an alcoholic?

Erm...

You drink all day and all night.

You do not eat.

You stagger around smelling of
alcohol.

You cannot remember which room you
are staying.

You find it difficult to stand
without swaying from side to side.

And you spend every night sitting on
your balcony singing and crying

until the early hours of the
morning.

And just because of that, you assume
I'm an alcoholic.

I have to get on with my work.

Fine. If you won't get me a drink...

I'll get one myself.

'Ey! Where are you going?

No, Pauline! Come back.

I'll get you some mouthwash from
upstairs.

There's alcohol in that!

Large gin and tonic, please.

I'm sorry, pet. I can't serve you
with alcohol.

Why don't you have a soft drink
and a bite to eat?

And on what grounds are you not
serving me?

If it's because you think I'm drunk,

I can assure you, I'm stone cold
sober.

What's going on here?

If it is your policy to no longer
serve holidaymakers once they
are pissed,

then I suggest after 11AM,

you turn this into a fucking
juice bar!

This is Benidorm!

95% of the people here

are arseholes 24 hours a day.

If you can't get pissed on holiday,
when...

in the name of Paul Gascoigne,
can you?!

It was me!

I asked them to not serve you.

I'm sorry, Pauline.

It was me.

And so, finally...

..Judas Iscariot shows himself.

At least Jesus was betrayed with a
kiss.

I was only thinking of your health.

We can review the situation
tomorrow.

I don't need you to think of my
health.

And I don't need you to review the
situation.

And I...I certainly...

don't need a drink.

There you go. One large vodka and
orange.

(SCREAMS)

No, come away. Come on!
No!

No!

(SCREAMS)

Oh...Pauline!

Morning.

I've slept slightly longer than
I intended.

One of the perks of being on holiday.

Here you are. I got you a drink.
It's still cold.

Thank you. I'm afraid it's not quite
as exclusive as it was an hour ago.

It's still practically paradise,
compared to the main beach.

You can say that again. I think
this is the hottest it's been

since we got here, wouldn't you say?
Absolutely.

Right. I think it's time
to cool off.

Are you not coming in?
Oh, hello.

No. Just a paddle for me, I think.

It's quite cold.
Can you not swim?

I swim very well, thank you.

I just don't want to go in.
OK. Well, let me know

if you need a hand - I was top of my
breaststroke class.

Yes, I'm sure you were.

Aaagh!

My book, my book!

Don't worry. I've got your book.

Thank you. It should dry out if you
leave it in the sun for a bit.

(SCREAMS)

You! You...

Everything all right?
No, it is not!

Right. Benidorm Museum of Culture?

You knew very well it wasn't open!

I didn't. I didn't know that.
Ha! All right.

I knew there was a nudist beach here,
but not that the museum was shut.

You said you liked it here.
I liked it as an empty...

..beach! Not full of degenerates!

Full of what? They're not
degenerates.

They're men stripping off to get a
tan.

You know you're problem?

No. Do enlighten me (!)

You are a dry, narrow-minded,

petty, tight-arsed, vicious,
self-loathing homosexual!

You hate these people cos they're
living like you want to live.

You just haven't got the balls!
You're sacked!

Do you hear? Sacked! You can't
sack me. We're not at work.

You are sacked! Well, I'll tell you
what. You can't sack me. I resign.

Do you hear me? I resign! You can't
resign after you've been sacked!

Do you want your book back, or not?
Oh, Jesus Christ!

Excuse my friend. He's never seen a
penis before.

Not even his own! I want your things
out of the apartment by sundown!
By sundown?

Who do you think you are?
Clint Eastwood?

Thanks. Sorry about that.

Think I'll go for a dip while this
dries off.

Be careful. It's a bit cold.

Could've fooled me (!)

Melvin Churchill Harvey.

What a ridiculous name.

Mind you, not as ridiculous as some
of your outfits.

I remember the first time you bent
over in that leopard skin thong.

I thought Mick was going to pass
out.

Your singing weren't up to much
either.

And what with all of that,

plus your snoring, sweating,

constant complaining about your bad
back...

..I don't think there's ever been
anyone on Earth

who loved someone as much as I loved
you.

So.

What do you think about this bar,
then?

Looks tired and run-down.

It's miles away from the main drag.

Looks like it's not taken a euro in
weeks.

They literally can't give the lease
away.

But something tells me...

that's not how Mel Harvey would look
at it.

What do you say?
Should I go for it?

I need you to tell me.

Just cos you're not here any more
doesn't mean I've stopped
relying on you.

Are you ready, Mam?

Are you all right?

Front door was open. I could hear
voices.

I was just having a chat.
A chat?

Who with? There's nobody here.
With Mel.

Oh, Mother! Do you want to stay in
tonight?

I can sit with you if you want.
Why would I want to stay indoors?

Sitting in a miserable, pokey room
watching Carry On films in German?

No, thank you! Come on.
Let's be off.

Are you all right? Do you need a
push?

No, it's not that. It just won't
budge.

Hang on. There's summat stuck round
your back wheel.

Wait there.

Right. Move forward a bit.

Go on. That's it.

Bloody hell!

It's no wonder you couldn't go
anywhere.

Must've fallen off somebody's
balcony.

Right. Do you know what you're doing
now?

Oh, yes.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

(RAPS IN GERMAN)

Keep an eye on that one, will you?

Sorry, Janey. Tonight is my night
off.

Why are you here, then?
I'm here to meet Leslie.

Oh, yeah? You two got a hot date,
have you (?)

You all set?
OK. No problem.

Listen. Mateo, you know you're doing
this

because without me, you wouldn't have
a job?

Yes. I know this.

I'm asking a big favour. But without
my help, you wouldn't be working.

OK. And the way things are in
Benidorm at the moment,

there's no guarantee
you would've got another job.

I know. I know I owe you big time,
Leslie.

This is why I'm coming with you.
OK.

It's just that, there's one aspect of
the date...I forgot to tell you.

# Touch me, touch me

# I wanna feel your body

# Your heartbeat next to mine

# Yes, I want your body

# All the time... #

Liam, I'm sorry. There's nothing else
to say.

You're a really nice guy, but...

I'm not interested.

I think you are interested.
What am I meant to say to that?

You're a nice guy,
but it would never work.

I think it could work.

I don't mean to be cruel, but...
you're not my type.

I think I am your type.

Liam, for God's sake!

And the next person we're calling on
is Mick Garvey.

Come on, Mick. Let's hear it for
you!

OK. Join in, if you know the words.

# Jitterbug

You, to me, are everything.

The sweetest song that I could sing.
Liam.

I'm getting back with Mateo.
Mateo?!

He treated you so badly.

Yeah. Well...

People change.
Move it, sad boy!

I think you're up next.
They just said something about
Simple Minds (!)

Goodbye!

I'm putting us down for Islands In
The Stream.

You'll have to be Kenny Rogers.
Sorry.

But you ain't got the tits to be
Dolly.

Plus, the beard helps.
Ha-ha (!)

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Take me dancing tonight

Come on, join in!

# I wanna hit that high...

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

I know you don't believe you're
sacked. Just chill out!

I'm not bothered. I'm on holiday.
On holiday for another 24 hours.

When Troy gets here tomorrow, you're
going home. That was the agreement.

That was the agreement if I was
going back to work.

As I'm not, I thought I'd check into
another room and stay one more week.

I don't think there's any rush to
start the tribunal (!)

Tribunal?
Unfair dismissal!

Ooh. Here you go. Found a great song
for you.

Elton John - Sorry Seems To Be
The Hardest Word!

I think you're doing really well
tonight.

Doing really well? What on earth do
you mean?

Well, you know. You're laying off the
drink a bit.

Had a wash and run a comb through
your hair.

You make it sounds as though
I can't function without alcohol.

Come on!

People are looking at me.

Cos you look nice.
I look OK?

You look great.
This skirt is not to short?

I don't want to look...
How do you say? ..easy.

You're joking. A man can never be too
rich.

And a skirt can never be too short.

You know I'm not enjoying this.

Oh, absolutely.

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Take me dancing tonight... #

Let's go somewhere else tonight.

I can't. I'm seeing Mateo.

We're just having a chat.

Anyway. It's Bananarama tonight.

Bananarama tribute act. It'll be
three blokes in drag miming.

We can still have a dance.
Plus, the drinks in here are free.

And we've not got any money.
Yeah.

I really can't wait
to have a dance (!)

Thank you very much.
Goodnight, Benidorm!

All right.

Last of the karaokes is Liam,

with another great '80s number.

From The Communards, let's hear it
for Liam!

# DON'T LEAVE ME THIS WAY

# Don't leave me this way

# I can't survive

# I can't stay alive

# Without your love

# Oh, baby, don't leave me this
way... #

Oh, my God!

Let's go. You can see Mateo tomorrow.

Excuse me? Do you know where Mateo
is?

He left ages ago. It's his night off
tonight.

I think he's on some sort of date.

# My heart is full of love and
desire for you... #

Come on. We're going out.

Well, where are we going?
Anywhere.

But we don't have any money.
Like that's ever stopped us!

# Out of control

# So come on down and satisfy
the need in me

# Cos only your good loving could
set me free... #

Here we go. This is us.

Wait. Wait. We cannot go in here.

What are you talking about? Best
restaurant in Benidorm, this.

No. You don't understand. I used to
work here.

I know all the staff. And Lorenzo,
the owner, I have known since I was
a little boy.

Don't you mean, since you were
a little girl?
They cannot see me like this!

Go inside and tell your friends we
go somewhere else.

Oh, you're joking, man. Saturday
night?

We'll never get a table anywhere
decent.

Anyway. Nobody will recognise you
dressed like that.

OK. Then I go.
No, hang on. Look.

For God's sake, man, stay there. Two
minutes.

Hurry!

What you looking at?!

# Don't leave me this way

# Ah....

# Baby, my heart is full of love... #

Thank you.

Oh, it's a Spanish menu tonight.

What do you recommend?

Well, I usually tend to go for
something fishy.

But Jacqueline prefers the chorizo
sausage inside her.

I beg your pardon?
Chorizo.

They also do it in red wine.

But Jacqueline prefers the sausage
in cider.

Don't we all (!)

Talking of your lovely wife, Donald,
where is she?

Oh, she met two very attractive
ladies this afternoon.

And let's just say they made her an
offer she couldn't refuse.

Right, ladies and gents. I hope
you're enjoying our '80s night

here at Neptune's. Well.

It's only gonna get better.

As I introduce to you the fabulous...
Bananarama!

# LOVE IN THE FIRST DEGREE

Oh, my God - it's Jacqueline!

# Last night I was dreamin'

# I was locked in a prison cell

# When I woke up

# I was screamin'

# Calling out your name... #

Excuse me. Do you have a light?

Course.

Oh! Gracias.

De nada. You are waiting for
somebody?

Yeah.

Been waiting long?
Mm. Too long!

Slow night, is it?

I cannot go inside the restaurant
because they know me in there.

Ah, I see.
Yes.

And I do not want to cause a scene.
No. You wouldn't wanna do that.

Have you got anywhere to go?
No.

The problem is,
I have worked all over town.

Really.
Yes.

I suppose we could go to a hotel,
but I have worked in most of those
too.

Bloody hell. So you have erm...

worked all your life, then.

Of course. What else could I do?

Yeah. I see your point.

You could always come to my place.
You have a place?

Yeah.
Where is it?

I need somewhere closeby. I don't
want this to take all night.

I really need to get out of these
knickers. Easy, tiger!

It's only a couple of streets away.

Good.
But first, I need to know...

what kind of price are we looking
at?

Not too expensive.
No. I didn't think so.

20 euros per head.

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

I'm arresting you for soliciting in
a public place.

What are you talking about? I thought
you had a restaurant!

I am waiting for my friend. I am not
a whore. I am a barman!

(APPROACHING SIREN)
(SHOUTS IN SPANISH)

I have told you before. I am not a
whore!

I work in a hotel! Please!

I believed you were...
I thought you had a restaurant.

You cheated me. You lied to me!

Hey, leave her alone! She's just
trying to earn a living.

Yeah, fascists!

(GASPS)
Mateo!

Natalie. This is not how it looks.

I can't understand it. He was here a
minute ago.

# Robert De Niro's waiting

# Talking Italian

# Robert De Niro's waiting

# Talking... #

I love Bananarama.
# Robert De Niro's waiting... #

The one in the middle's let herself
go. Don't be daft. That's Jacqueline.

Is it?

I never knew she was in Bananarama.

# I don't need a boy, I've got a man
of steel

# Don't come any closer, I don't
wanna feel

# Ooh, you're breathing,
you're touching, but nothing's
for free... #

'Ey, you. What's in that drink?

Just fruit juice.
Yeah. It better be!

Are you still coming to live with
us, Nana?

Yeah. Just until the council rehouses
her.

I can talk for myself, thank you,
Janice.

No, son. I've got a lovely
two-bedroom flat sorted.

'Ey, nice one, Madge!

No point hanging about, is there?

When did you sort this out?
I haven't.

But I will do first thing in the
morning.

I like that about you. You don't let
the grass grow under your wheels.

# Talking Italian
# Talking Italian... #

Where is it, Nana?
Are you still gonna be near us?

Oh, very close. Well, close to where
you are right now.

It's above that bar we looked at.

You what?

I'm taking on that bar.

Oh, Mother. Not again!
What do you mean, not again?

You don't know what you're doing.
It was different

when you were with Mel, but you're
on your own now.

Thanks for reminding me.
You know what I mean.

No, she's not.
You what?

She's not on her own.

How do you fancy a business partner?

You what?
What, so we're gonna live in Spain?

Whoa! Hang on a minute.
When did you change your tune?

You know what a stubborn old git she
is. You won't talk her out of it.

And if you can't beat 'em...

you may as well join 'em.

Right. Just everyone hang on a
minute.

I think we've all had a bit too much
to drink.

If you want something to do, what's
wrong with coming home,

and working in one of
the sunbed shops?

Why have artificial sun when I can
stay here and have the real thing?

Wahey! I'll drink to that!

We'll talk about this in the morning.

# I know we planned
to stay together... #

I'm up for a dance, Nana. Do you
wanna come?

No, she doesn't, Michael!

Yeah. Yeah, I will have a dance with
you, son!

Mwah! Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Come on.
What?

As I said, if you can't beat 'em,
join 'em.

# I'm...moving on

(CHEERING)

# We talked it over

# We've said it all

# But who could say it would be this
way

# But the writing's on the wall

# I had no way of knowing

# And I don't know where I'm going

# But I'm...moving on #

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