Original subtitles

Troy, how are you?

I'm fine. No, it's bright sunshine this morning.

Yes, it was some kind of freak storm.

Speaking of freaks, one second.

I'm sorry. Someone's sitting there.

Hello? You're sitting in someone's chair.

I have a number of friends who are homosexual.

Both my parents were alcoholics. It doesn't mean I wish to sit with one!

Sorry, Troy. Go on.

How's your father today?

Yes?

Oh, my goodness. I'm SO sorry.

You wouldn't suit a hat.

Your head is too big. Look, will you go away?!

Sorry, love. You can't sit there. Who says I can't?

Look, I tell you what. If you move, I'll open the bar now.

Thank you. No problem.

Erm, I'll...get on the first plane this morning.

Are you absolutely sure? OK.

OK. Call me later.

Troy?

I love you. # I can see clearly now the rain is gone

'Ey. What about this, then, eh?

Oh, come on, misery-chops.

Even you can't put a downer on the fact that the sun's come out.

That was Troy. Oh, aye?

How's his dad?

Oh, God.

I'll get us a coffee.

Oh, that's better!

Feel that sun. Looks like your theory

of yesterday's storm being a terrorist attack has hit a dead end.

Oh, don't you believe it. It's all part of the cover-up.

Oh. I've got something for you.

I forgot to give you it last night.

I'll bring it over in a minute.

What's all that about? Search me.

You have won second prize in a beauty contest (!)

Donald and Jacqueline came joint first. Oh, shut up!

You should eat something. You'll fade away.

Well, you know what I mean. Morning, boys!

Space at your table? Oh, God. That's all I need.

I'm going for a lie down.

All right. See you in a bit.

Is it something I said? Troy just called.

His dad passed away last night.

Oh! I am sorry.

Yeah, it's a weird one. Troy didn't really know him.

His dad got in touch when he knew he didn't have long to go.

Oh! We've just been looking at coffins on the internet.

For Donald. Shall I pop these up to him?

No. He's being buried tonight, so they're probably sorted, to be honest.

Died yesterday and buried tonight?

Did they get a last minute cancellation?

No. Troy's dad was a Muslim.

Part of his religion to get buried within 24 hours.

Oh! I quite like the sound of that.

No messing around, no hassle.

Plus, you're not that fussed on pork.

And you'd look lovely in a turban.

Thanks Mum. You're all right, love.

Bloody hell, Michael! What have you done?

Well...you said put plenty on.

I know I did, but... Well, make sure you rub it in.

'Ey. Go steady with that in the future.

It's about three quid a bottle.

Three quid a bottle? When was the last time you bought sun cream?

Michael, you could've saved me a bit.

Sorry.

Here you go. Thanks, Mam.

Mother, this is cooking oil. Does the job for me.

Here's the note off the fella who sang on the karaoke last night.

Johnny Neptune.

Thank you.

Oh, I doubt it's for us. She's probably made a mistake.

What's it say? 'I hope you don't think me rude,

but I overheard you talking about possibly looking for a business in Spain.'

'A friend of mine has run into trouble with his bar.'

'He just needs someone to take over the lease.'

'3,000 euros. Address below.'

Nosey bleeder! Fancy listening to other people's conversations.

It's a scam. It's obvious, innit?

Surprised he didn't ask for bank details, so his uncle, the ex-prime minister of Nigeria,

can clear a cheque for $10 million.

I don't think it would be a scam.

Why would you say that? You don't know him.

No. No, I don't.

How much did you say they wanted? Three grand.

They're taking the piss. That's what we got for the gokart.

It's a sign. It's a sign from Mel.

You think this note is a sign from Mel from beyond the grave

to tell you to open a bar in Benidorm on your own?

Absolutely. Huh! I've heard everything now.

Saying that, I don't think he knew anybody in Nigeria.

Although, he did once see Johnny Mathis in concert.

So maybe there's a connection there.

Right. I'll have a couple of hours in the sun.

Then I'll go over and check this bar out.

Mother! This whole rubbish about you staying here is just upsetting me.

Why are you doing it? It was Mel's dream

to have a successful business here in Benidorm.

And I'm gonna make sure that dream comes true.

Oh, for God's sake. Where are you going now? I'm off for a piss.

Or is that gonna upset you, an' all?

Listen, son. All good things come to an end.

And if I'm absolutely honest...

..I didn't think she was right for you.

She's beautiful.

Beauty is only skin deep. Like the fella I've got a date with tonight.

If I found out he was only meeting me because of me looks,

I'd drop him like a hot potato.

You all right there, prett?

Look, you're going back with your mam tomorrow. It's all good timing.

No. I'm gonna give it one last go.

She's like a mythical creature.

I don't think I'll ever see anything like her again.

Ha-ha. If I had a euro every time somebody said that about me...

Oh, I'm gonna miss all this.

Oh, yes. Me too.

Well, you're not going anywhere yet. It's me that's going first.

Well, that's true.

But you can be certain I won't be far behind you.

Hello. I don't mean to bother you both.

But I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry to hear about you.

Well...

That you're not going to be...

erm... Well, I mean...

The fact that you've got...

Three months to live.

Oh, it sounds awful when you put it like that.

Wouldn't it be better to put it into weeks?

If our Geoff were here, he'd be able to work that out for you.

It all amounts to the same thing, whichever way you say it.

Three months - 12 weeks.

84 days. Actually,

it doesn't sound so bad when you say that.

Didn't Philleas Frog go round the world in 80 days?

You could have four days to recover.

Well, we're not moping around.

We're planning a lovely service.

We've got Jimmy Cricket giving the eulogy.

Ooh! How do you know him?

I was a theatrical agent for a brief spell many years ago.

I still have quite a few connections.

Donald used to handle Frankie Howerd in the '70s. Didn't you?

Frequently.

How's your daughter?

We saw her slumped over the bar earlier.

We didn't like to bother her.

Well...she's not too bad, thank you.

She's on some medication that doesn't agree with her.

Well, I'd better be off.

I'll see you later.

Another glass of medication?

Oh, yes!

I'm not sure this is a good idea.

We should stay at the Solana.

What if Troy can't get me on my mobile?

Don't panic. He's got my number as well..

It'll do us good to get out of the place for a bit.

No, I'm sorry. Unless you tell me where we're going, I'm turning back.

Oh, you are such a spoilsport!

OK. Here you are. Look.

Benidorm Museum of Culture?

Is this a joke? No! I thought you were into museums and stuff.

Look. It's open 10AM to 6PM. I thought we could spend the day there.

I'm not sure a history of the full English breakfast will fill eight hours.

Oh, well, let's forget it, then. Let's go back,

sit on our arses and let Donald talk about catering packs of embalming fluid (!)

No, Kenneth.

Kenneth!

I'm sorry. I was being ungrateful.

It's not exactly the Guggenheim. But, no.

Let's go. It'll be fun.

The thing about the Googleheim, if it's crap,

it hasn't got a beach next to it.

Guggenheim!

Mateo.

My slightly greasy but very accommodating colleague will be with you shortly.

Mateo!

Woof! Ola!

Welcome to the Solana. My name is Mateo. How can I help you?

Hi. We're Bananarama. Banani-who?

Banana-rama? Nice names.

We're the group booked for your '80s night. We're called Bananarama.

Banana...rama.

This is a joke name, yes? Hello.

Are you the tribute act? We're Bananarama.

Isn't there supposed to be three of you? Where's the other one?

She left in 1988. How can you be a Bananarama tribute band if there's only two of you?

We're not a tribute band. We are Bananarama.

Yeah, sure you are (!)

We had a Queen tribute act here last week.

Lead singer was the same. Changed his name by deed poll.

Wears all the gear all the time.

Big, black 'tache. Lives his life exactly like Freddie Mercury.

His wife wasn't too thrilled about it.

But that's showbusiness, I suppose.

We're not a tribute act. I'm Sara Dallin,

this is Keren Woodward and we are Bananarama.

Here we are. So you're telling me

that we've booked the real Bananarama for 400 euros?

We've been a bit quiet lately.

If you are the real thing, you probably don't need the money.

Isn't one of you married to George Michael? No.

Right. Well, Mateo will show you to your room when you're ready.

Good luck with that.

And just so you know, real Bananarama or not,

if there's not three of you on the stage tonight, you won't get paid.

So. Which one of you is Banana?

What are you doing? Seeing if I can cut through this.

You've got a broken leg. I know.

I've also got no chance of getting a shag with this plaster on it.

You won't be able to walk. It's not walking I'm interesting in!

No. You won't be able to walk... for the rest of your life.

Don't exaggerate.

Natalie?

Can I have a word? No.

Sam, I'm warning you. You'll regret this.

Why is it you're always fighting men off and I can't get a look in?

Better to have quality than quantity.

I haven't got either. I mean, what's wrong with me?

Seriously. Plaster on my leg or not, I'm fit.

You tell me what self-respecting man wouldn't want a slice of this.

Maybe you're just trying a bit too hard.

Just lie back and let them come to you.

Works for me.

Yeah, I can see that.

'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?'

'Thou art more lovely... and more temperate.'

'Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May

and summer's lease hath all too short a date.'

'Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines.'

'And often is his gold complexion dimmed.'

'And every fair from fair sometime declines...

..by chance...or nature's changing course...

..untrimmed.'

I'm getting another drink. Do you want one? Yeah, go on, then.

You haven't got a hacksaw, have you?

Ola. Oh. Hello.

Erm...can I have a mixed fruit juice and a vodka and Diet Coke, please?

Double? Erm...

Better make it a single.

It's gonna be a long day.

You are coming to the '80s night tonight? Not sure.

See how my friend feels.

We have Banani-rama. Very good.

Mateo? Mm?

Can we have a chat tonight? I don't mean two minutes, I mean...

a proper chat. Sure.

It's my night off tonight.

I meet you in Neptune's. Then maybe we go somewhere else.

OK.

See you later. See you later.

'Ey, amigo!

I need your help. What can I do for you, my little tranny friend?

Look.

I'm not one to go pulling in favours, but... Well...

You know how I kind of saved your job? Leslie.

You did not save my job.

I lost my job and you...you make it happen again. How do you say?

Aye. I got your job back. You got me my job back.

What I'm saying. And for this, I will help you in any way I can.

I owe you, brother.

I mean..sister.

The thing is, I've got a date tonight.

Really? No problem. I will work for you.

You go out, you have fun.

Meet the man of your dreams, marry,

have little tranny babies. All is good.

No. I've got someone to cover my shift.

But I need somebody to go with me. Go with you?

Yeah. It's kind of a...a double date.

What is double date? Well, I need to take a friend. For his friend.

No, no, no, no, no, no ,no, no, no.

No. I am not a homosexual gay.

No. You wouldn't have to do anything. Just sit there.

I'll even pay for the meal. No.

This is not going to happen.

Right. OK.

So me getting you your job back wasn't such a big deal after all.

Yes, pet. Orange juice, please.

Orange juice. Yes, pet. Coming up.

You all right, son? How's it going?

Not great.

Oh. Erm...

I brought you this.

I thought you could wear it for your date.

Oh, thanks, son. But er...

..I'm not going now. But you were really looking forward to it.

Well, never mind, eh? Seems neither of us are having much luck lately.

I will just have to sit at the table. That's all.

No going to dodgy clubs in the old town after.

All you've got to do is eat.

OK, Cinderella. You will have your balls.

Oh! Hey, man.

I could kiss you! Hey! Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I'd love to move to Spain, Nana.

Swimming on the beach in my lunch hour at school? Cool!

Nobody's asking you to move to Spain.

You can't just start running a business in a foreign country all on your own.

Me and Mel did it before. And look what a roaring success that was (!)

Exactly. You AND Mel did it before.

You're on your own now. Oh, thanks for reminding me.

For your information, I am staying in Benidorm.

I'm gonna run a successful business and I'm gonna do it for Mel.

Here we are. The Batley Arms.

Hang on. Wasn't this...

Mel's mobility shop! I told you!

It's a sign!

Excuse me. We're looking for the owner.

Oh, I'm sorry, love. He's...

Oh, hello, Madge. How are you doing? Oh, Christ! Not you.

This isn't your bar, is it? No, no. It's Freddie Coleman's bar.

You know Freddie. Used to do a drag act at the Queen's in the old town.

Wife left him earlier in the year. He was gutted.

She took all his best frocks. Anyway, listen to me banging on.

Have a seat. What can I get you? We're here on business, not pleasure.

When's he back? What, Freddie?

He's touring UK with The Grumbleweeds.

I thought this place was for sale. It is.

Well, not for sale, as such. But he needs someone to take over the place.

I've heard he wants three grand. I'll give him a grand. Not a penny more.

Oh, I think you've missed the point.

It's a five year lease. He pays you three grand to take it over.

Freddie's sweating his bollocks off doing eight shows a week in a nylon wig,

just to keep this place afloat. You what?

It's happening all over Benidorm. Too many bars, not enough tourists.

Well, that's not true. There are enough tourists.

They just aren't spending their money. Right, come on.

We've heard enough. Madge?

All right.

Thanks, son. Come on, Mam.

Have a drink before you go. 90 cents a pint - cheapest in Beni.

Sorry, love. It's all-inclusive at the Solana.

Aye. That's the problem.

Never mind, Mam. I suppose it's a lucky escape in some ways.

You don't want to go limping from one disaster to another.

I'm sorry, Mel.

I tried. I tried.

Well, I'd say I was surprised, but it would of course be a filthy lie!

I can't understand it. It's in the guide book.

'Benidorm on a budget, 1999.'

Well, we're not far from the beach. And I brought a couple of towels.

Not far from the beach? It took two buses and a 15-minute walk to get here!

Well, no. According to this guide book...

there's a lovely cove beach two minutes down this road.

Well, I hope they've not moved it since 1999 (!)

# FRANK SINATRA: The Summer Wind

(GASPS)

It's gorgeous!

Good thing I like using an out of date guide book.

You sometimes come across a lost treasure.

Absolutely!

Well, I think 40 winks may be in order.

I hope the sound of the waves lapping against the shore isn't too intrusive (!)

I think I'll cope.

You really should eat something, you know.

I'm not hungry. Did you get any sleep last night?

What day is it today? Look, Pauline.

I think we need to talk.

Ola. Two more cocktails.

Sorry. No more cocktails. What do you mean, no more cocktails?

It's two o'clock in the afternoon.

No more cocktails for YOU.

I beg your pardon? My boss, she say,

'Do not serve the angry alcoholic lesbian. She drink too much.'

Say that again.

My boss, she say, 'Do not serve the angry, alcoholic lesbian. She drink too much.'

So, apart from your own narrow-minded prejudices,

on what evidence are you basing your...

wild assumption that I'm... an alcoholic?

Erm...

You drink all day and all night.

You do not eat.

You stagger around smelling of alcohol.

You cannot remember which room you are staying.

You find it difficult to stand without swaying from side to side.

And you spend every night sitting on your balcony singing and crying

until the early hours of the morning.

And just because of that, you assume I'm an alcoholic.

I have to get on with my work.

Fine. If you won't get me a drink...

I'll get one myself.

'Ey! Where are you going?

No, Pauline! Come back.

I'll get you some mouthwash from upstairs.

There's alcohol in that!

Large gin and tonic, please.

I'm sorry, pet. I can't serve you with alcohol.

Why don't you have a soft drink and a bite to eat?

And on what grounds are you not serving me?

If it's because you think I'm drunk,

I can assure you, I'm stone cold sober.

What's going on here?

If it is your policy to no longer serve holidaymakers once they are pissed,

then I suggest after 11AM,

you turn this into a fucking juice bar!

This is Benidorm!

95% of the people here

are arseholes 24 hours a day.

If you can't get pissed on holiday, when...

in the name of Paul Gascoigne, can you?!

It was me!

I asked them to not serve you.

I'm sorry, Pauline.

It was me.

And so, finally...

..Judas Iscariot shows himself.

At least Jesus was betrayed with a kiss.

I was only thinking of your health.

We can review the situation tomorrow.

I don't need you to think of my health.

And I don't need you to review the situation.

And I...I certainly...

don't need a drink.

There you go. One large vodka and orange.

(SCREAMS)

No, come away. Come on! No!

No!

(SCREAMS)

Oh...Pauline!

Morning.

I've slept slightly longer than I intended.

One of the perks of being on holiday.

Here you are. I got you a drink. It's still cold.

Thank you. I'm afraid it's not quite as exclusive as it was an hour ago.

It's still practically paradise, compared to the main beach.

You can say that again. I think this is the hottest it's been

since we got here, wouldn't you say? Absolutely.

Right. I think it's time to cool off.

Are you not coming in? Oh, hello.

No. Just a paddle for me, I think.

It's quite cold. Can you not swim?

I swim very well, thank you.

I just don't want to go in. OK. Well, let me know

if you need a hand - I was top of my breaststroke class.

Yes, I'm sure you were.

Aaagh!

My book, my book!

Don't worry. I've got your book.

Thank you. It should dry out if you leave it in the sun for a bit.

(SCREAMS)

You! You...

Everything all right? No, it is not!

Right. Benidorm Museum of Culture?

You knew very well it wasn't open!

I didn't. I didn't know that. Ha! All right.

I knew there was a nudist beach here, but not that the museum was shut.

You said you liked it here. I liked it as an empty...

..beach! Not full of degenerates!

Full of what? They're not degenerates.

They're men stripping off to get a tan.

You know you're problem?

No. Do enlighten me (!)

You are a dry, narrow-minded,

petty, tight-arsed, vicious, self-loathing homosexual!

You hate these people cos they're living like you want to live.

You just haven't got the balls! You're sacked!

Do you hear? Sacked! You can't sack me. We're not at work.

You are sacked! Well, I'll tell you what. You can't sack me. I resign.

Do you hear me? I resign! You can't resign after you've been sacked!

Do you want your book back, or not? Oh, Jesus Christ!

Excuse my friend. He's never seen a penis before.

Not even his own! I want your things out of the apartment by sundown! By sundown?

Who do you think you are? Clint Eastwood?

Thanks. Sorry about that.

Think I'll go for a dip while this dries off.

Be careful. It's a bit cold.

Could've fooled me (!)

Melvin Churchill Harvey.

What a ridiculous name.

Mind you, not as ridiculous as some of your outfits.

I remember the first time you bent over in that leopard skin thong.

I thought Mick was going to pass out.

Your singing weren't up to much either.

And what with all of that,

plus your snoring, sweating,

constant complaining about your bad back...

..I don't think there's ever been anyone on Earth

who loved someone as much as I loved you.

So.

What do you think about this bar, then?

Looks tired and run-down.

It's miles away from the main drag.

Looks like it's not taken a euro in weeks.

They literally can't give the lease away.

But something tells me...

that's not how Mel Harvey would look at it.

What do you say? Should I go for it?

I need you to tell me.

Just cos you're not here any more doesn't mean I've stopped relying on you.

Are you ready, Mam?

Are you all right?

Front door was open. I could hear voices.

I was just having a chat. A chat?

Who with? There's nobody here. With Mel.

Oh, Mother! Do you want to stay in tonight?

I can sit with you if you want. Why would I want to stay indoors?

Sitting in a miserable, pokey room watching Carry On films in German?

No, thank you! Come on. Let's be off.

Are you all right? Do you need a push?

No, it's not that. It just won't budge.

Hang on. There's summat stuck round your back wheel.

Wait there.

Right. Move forward a bit.

Go on. That's it.

Bloody hell!

It's no wonder you couldn't go anywhere.

Must've fallen off somebody's balcony.

Right. Do you know what you're doing now?

Oh, yes.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

(RAPS IN GERMAN)

Keep an eye on that one, will you?

Sorry, Janey. Tonight is my night off.

Why are you here, then? I'm here to meet Leslie.

Oh, yeah? You two got a hot date, have you (?)

You all set? OK. No problem.

Listen. Mateo, you know you're doing this

because without me, you wouldn't have a job?

Yes. I know this.

I'm asking a big favour. But without my help, you wouldn't be working.

OK. And the way things are in Benidorm at the moment,

there's no guarantee you would've got another job.

I know. I know I owe you big time, Leslie.

This is why I'm coming with you. OK.

It's just that, there's one aspect of the date...I forgot to tell you.

# Touch me, touch me

# I wanna feel your body

# Your heartbeat next to mine

# Yes, I want your body

# All the time... #

Liam, I'm sorry. There's nothing else to say.

You're a really nice guy, but...

I'm not interested.

I think you are interested. What am I meant to say to that?

You're a nice guy, but it would never work.

I think it could work.

I don't mean to be cruel, but... you're not my type.

I think I am your type.

Liam, for God's sake!

And the next person we're calling on is Mick Garvey.

Come on, Mick. Let's hear it for you!

OK. Join in, if you know the words.

# Jitterbug

You, to me, are everything.

The sweetest song that I could sing. Liam.

I'm getting back with Mateo. Mateo?!

He treated you so badly.

Yeah. Well...

People change. Move it, sad boy!

I think you're up next. They just said something about Simple Minds (!)

Goodbye!

I'm putting us down for Islands In The Stream.

You'll have to be Kenny Rogers. Sorry.

But you ain't got the tits to be Dolly.

Plus, the beard helps. Ha-ha (!)

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Take me dancing tonight

Come on, join in!

# I wanna hit that high...

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

I know you don't believe you're sacked. Just chill out!

I'm not bothered. I'm on holiday. On holiday for another 24 hours.

When Troy gets here tomorrow, you're going home. That was the agreement.

That was the agreement if I was going back to work.

As I'm not, I thought I'd check into another room and stay one more week.

I don't think there's any rush to start the tribunal (!)

Tribunal? Unfair dismissal!

Ooh. Here you go. Found a great song for you.

Elton John - Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word!

I think you're doing really well tonight.

Doing really well? What on earth do you mean?

Well, you know. You're laying off the drink a bit.

Had a wash and run a comb through your hair.

You make it sounds as though I can't function without alcohol.

Come on!

People are looking at me.

Cos you look nice. I look OK?

You look great. This skirt is not to short?

I don't want to look... How do you say? ..easy.

You're joking. A man can never be too rich.

And a skirt can never be too short.

You know I'm not enjoying this.

Oh, absolutely.

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Take me dancing tonight... #

Let's go somewhere else tonight.

I can't. I'm seeing Mateo.

We're just having a chat.

Anyway. It's Bananarama tonight.

Bananarama tribute act. It'll be three blokes in drag miming.

We can still have a dance. Plus, the drinks in here are free.

And we've not got any money. Yeah.

I really can't wait to have a dance (!)

Thank you very much. Goodnight, Benidorm!

All right.

Last of the karaokes is Liam,

with another great '80s number.

From The Communards, let's hear it for Liam!

# DON'T LEAVE ME THIS WAY

# Don't leave me this way

# I can't survive

# I can't stay alive

# Without your love

# Oh, baby, don't leave me this way... #

Oh, my God!

Let's go. You can see Mateo tomorrow.

Excuse me? Do you know where Mateo is?

He left ages ago. It's his night off tonight.

I think he's on some sort of date.

# My heart is full of love and desire for you... #

Come on. We're going out.

Well, where are we going? Anywhere.

But we don't have any money. Like that's ever stopped us!

# Out of control

# So come on down and satisfy the need in me

# Cos only your good loving could set me free... #

Here we go. This is us.

Wait. Wait. We cannot go in here.

What are you talking about? Best restaurant in Benidorm, this.

No. You don't understand. I used to work here.

I know all the staff. And Lorenzo, the owner, I have known since I was a little boy.

Don't you mean, since you were a little girl? They cannot see me like this!

Go inside and tell your friends we go somewhere else.

Oh, you're joking, man. Saturday night?

We'll never get a table anywhere decent.

Anyway. Nobody will recognise you dressed like that.

OK. Then I go. No, hang on. Look.

For God's sake, man, stay there. Two minutes.

Hurry!

What you looking at?!

# Don't leave me this way

# Ah....

# Baby, my heart is full of love... #

Thank you.

Oh, it's a Spanish menu tonight.

What do you recommend?

Well, I usually tend to go for something fishy.

But Jacqueline prefers the chorizo sausage inside her.

I beg your pardon? Chorizo.

They also do it in red wine.

But Jacqueline prefers the sausage in cider.

Don't we all (!)

Talking of your lovely wife, Donald, where is she?

Oh, she met two very attractive ladies this afternoon.

And let's just say they made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

Right, ladies and gents. I hope you're enjoying our '80s night

here at Neptune's. Well.

It's only gonna get better.

As I introduce to you the fabulous... Bananarama!

# LOVE IN THE FIRST DEGREE

Oh, my God - it's Jacqueline!

# Last night I was dreamin'

# I was locked in a prison cell

# When I woke up

# I was screamin'

# Calling out your name... #

Excuse me. Do you have a light?

Course.

Oh! Gracias.

De nada. You are waiting for somebody?

Yeah.

Been waiting long? Mm. Too long!

Slow night, is it?

I cannot go inside the restaurant because they know me in there.

Ah, I see. Yes.

And I do not want to cause a scene. No. You wouldn't wanna do that.

Have you got anywhere to go? No.

The problem is, I have worked all over town.

Really. Yes.

I suppose we could go to a hotel, but I have worked in most of those too.

Bloody hell. So you have erm...

worked all your life, then.

Of course. What else could I do?

Yeah. I see your point.

You could always come to my place. You have a place?

Yeah. Where is it?

I need somewhere closeby. I don't want this to take all night.

I really need to get out of these knickers. Easy, tiger!

It's only a couple of streets away.

Good. But first, I need to know...

what kind of price are we looking at?

Not too expensive. No. I didn't think so.

20 euros per head.

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

I'm arresting you for soliciting in a public place.

What are you talking about? I thought you had a restaurant!

I am waiting for my friend. I am not a whore. I am a barman!

(APPROACHING SIREN) (SHOUTS IN SPANISH)

I have told you before. I am not a whore!

I work in a hotel! Please!

I believed you were... I thought you had a restaurant.

You cheated me. You lied to me!

Hey, leave her alone! She's just trying to earn a living.

Yeah, fascists!

(GASPS) Mateo!

Natalie. This is not how it looks.

I can't understand it. He was here a minute ago.

# Robert De Niro's waiting

# Talking Italian

# Robert De Niro's waiting

# Talking... #

I love Bananarama. # Robert De Niro's waiting... #

The one in the middle's let herself go. Don't be daft. That's Jacqueline.

Is it?

I never knew she was in Bananarama.

# I don't need a boy, I've got a man of steel

# Don't come any closer, I don't wanna feel

# Ooh, you're breathing, you're touching, but nothing's for free... #

'Ey, you. What's in that drink?

Just fruit juice. Yeah. It better be!

Are you still coming to live with us, Nana?

Yeah. Just until the council rehouses her.

I can talk for myself, thank you, Janice.

No, son. I've got a lovely two-bedroom flat sorted.

'Ey, nice one, Madge!

No point hanging about, is there?

When did you sort this out? I haven't.

But I will do first thing in the morning.

I like that about you. You don't let the grass grow under your wheels.

# Talking Italian # Talking Italian... #

Where is it, Nana? Are you still gonna be near us?

Oh, very close. Well, close to where you are right now.

It's above that bar we looked at.

You what?

I'm taking on that bar.

Oh, Mother. Not again! What do you mean, not again?

You don't know what you're doing. It was different

when you were with Mel, but you're on your own now.

Thanks for reminding me. You know what I mean.

No, she's not. You what?

She's not on her own.

How do you fancy a business partner?

You what? What, so we're gonna live in Spain?

Whoa! Hang on a minute. When did you change your tune?

You know what a stubborn old git she is. You won't talk her out of it.

And if you can't beat 'em...

you may as well join 'em.

Right. Just everyone hang on a minute.

I think we've all had a bit too much to drink.

If you want something to do, what's wrong with coming home,

and working in one of the sunbed shops?

Why have artificial sun when I can stay here and have the real thing?

Wahey! I'll drink to that!

We'll talk about this in the morning.

# I know we planned to stay together... #

I'm up for a dance, Nana. Do you wanna come?

No, she doesn't, Michael!

Yeah. Yeah, I will have a dance with you, son!

Mwah! Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Come on. What?

As I said, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

# I'm...moving on

(CHEERING)

# We talked it over

# We've said it all

# But who could say it would be this way

# But the writing's on the wall

# I had no way of knowing

# And I don't know where I'm going

# But I'm...moving on #

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