Original subtitles

.*

.*

And I can guarantee you that is NOT a Mars Bar in the shower cubicle.

Get it shifted now.

Er, excuse me, do you know when the Water Aerobics starts?

Water Aerobics Today 10am.

Yeah, you've got a point. It's a bit cryptic, isn't it (?)

Well, it's just that it's nearly twenty-five to eleven.

Oh, for God's sake! Mateo!

There you go. Thanks, Lesley.

(GASPS) I love that colour!

Oh, it's nice, isn't it? It's called Hot Fudge.

I tend to steer away from dark colours, you know,

cos it can make my hands look a bit masculine.

I think I get away with these. Oh, definitely.

Where's Slack Alice? Who?

Mateo. Oh, I think he went to get change

for his watchamacallit, dianetics.

That was over an hour... Dianetics?

Isn't that scientology? Oh, it's no use asking me, pet,

I never go near the water.

Plays havoc with a straight bob.

Oi, Norma bloody Desmond, your public are waiting!

What on earth has he got on his head?

Look who's talking.

What do you think you're playing at?

What am I playing? Have you seen this?

(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

What's wrong with it? What is RIGHT with it?

You look...fine.

Janey, I look like a homosexual gay.

I don't think you can blame that entirely on the Lycra.

Hey-hey! It's Mr Motivator!

(LAUGHS) You look fantastic, man!

Is this for the aerobotics?

That's it, I'm going back. You are going nowhere.

We've had a dozen pensioners been waiting for you since 10 o'clock.

There's that many hormone patches floating in that pool

people are gonna be walking out a different sex!

Ooh, I might have a dip after all!

Listen, if you don't get over there...

What's going on down there?

Down where? Down where? Down there.

Brought an orange for half time?

Janey, I'm going back to change. Oi, you're going nowhere.

Either start kicking your legs to Donna Summer at the side of that pool

or I will take this as a formal resignation

and your locker will be cleared out within the hour.

Shift.

Looking good, handsome.

(MUTTERS)

And no knocking off after 20 minutes!

You started late and you finish late! Do you understand?

Bloody hell, is it rag week?

And what kind of question's that?

Just because a woman raises her voice doesn't automatically mean

she's on the blob!

Oh, here he comes.

About time too! Yeah, get on with it!

What's he come dressed as?

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

Mutton dressed as Spam!

Hey, whatever they're paying you, love, it's not enough! Ooh!

(LAUGHS)

Hi, babes. You all right?

Do you want to budge up and I'll get another sunbed? Yeah.

"Babes." "Babes."

What happened between you and him when we got back from the hospital?

Absolutely nothing. Then why is he calling you "Babes"?

I don't know. I thought you didn't fancy him.

I don't. He's like a strange child that won't go away.

(LAUGHTER)

I can't believe you used to go out with that.

Still, happy times now though, eh, babes?

Sorry, did you want summat? No, I'm all right, thanks, Sam.

How's your leg? (SIGHS) Still broken.

Oh, it will be. Takes weeks, apparently.

(ON MATEO'S CD PLAYER) # ERIC PRYDZ: Call On Me

Come on, get on with it!

OK, first of all, marching on the spot.

Ooh, don't march too fast, you might lose your packed lunch!

(THEY LAUGH)

And move your arms too.

You never know, you might start getting rid of your bingo flaps.

Bingo flaps? Eyes down for a full house!

(LAUGHS)

Come on, jump!

Come on, move your fat bellies.

What the frigg's going on there? Bit of aqua aerobics.

Did you not fancy it, Madge? You must be joking!

Go on! He won't mind you tipping your fag ash -

long as it's in the shallow end. Water and me have never got along.

You don't say (!)

You can find some very dangerous things close to water.

Like what, shower gel?

A friend of mine, Edith, moved into a retirement home in Southport.

Fit as a fiddle when she got there, she was dead within three months.

Right. Did she drown?

No. She had a heart attack while watching Deal Or No Deal.

What's that got to do with water?

What's it got to do with...?

You know where Southport is?

It's near the sea. Yeah?

I rest my case.

Well done, Madge. Another mystery solved.

Jessica Fletcher must be shitting herself (!)

How's it going? Yeah, all right.

(PANTS) Are you OK?

I'm just a bit out of puff.

It's hard to admit,

but I'm no longer at the peak of my physical fitness.

(GROANS)

You look like you're gonna die.

I'll be fine.

Be a while before I let go of the rope, as they say.

Just need to catch my breath.

What's going on over there?

I say, what's them two fellas doing over there?

Oh, for God's sake! What's wrong with you?

You can see where Janice gets it. "I wonder who are they",

"Look at what they're wearing!" "What are they talking about?"

Why can't you just leave people alone?

Keep your nose out and mind your own business!

Bloody hell! Who are they? What do you think they want?

So...

you do not know this woman who is wife of Mel Harvey,

her name...Madge?

No. As I said, like,

people come and go so fast here. (CHUCKLES)

Of course, if we discover you are lying,

you will have many problems. Oh, you mean THAT Madge Harvey!

Sorry, sorry, I thought you meant somebody else.

Yes, I used to work for Mrs Harvey.

And where can we find this Mrs Harvey?

She's er...she's er... she's not here today.

But if you'd like to leave a message, I'll make sure she gets it.

Was it anything urgent?

We have good news and bad news for Mrs Harvey.

The good news is she no longer owes money to Mr Reg Fitter

of Benidorm Trailer Park.

Oh, she'll be over the moon about that!

(CLEARS THROAT) I imagine.

The bad news is our employer, Mr Pink,

has bought her husband's debt.

So we need to arrange an appointment with her to er...

resolve this rather pressing business matter.

Right.

So the message is to basically give you a ring, like.

The message is this.

If she does not ring the number on this card in the next two hours,

she will die.

(CHUCKLES) No, no, seriously,

what's the message?

That IS the message, is it?

Right, you can rely on me, pal. I'll give it to her right now.

Well, not right this minute, cos I can't do that, she's not here.

But I'll make sure she gets it.

Have they gone? They've gone.

'Ey, if there's anything I can do to help, you just let me know.

No, you're all right, pal.

This is a problem for the Garveys now.

We deal with these kind of situations our way

and on our own terms.

We don't need any help.

From anybody. No worries, I'll stay out your way.

Sorry, I can't borrow your mobile, can I? I haven't got any credit.

Course you can.

There you go. Um...thanks.

No problem.

Right, left, right, left...

Yeah, my Nana's always talking about funerals and stuff.

She never shuts up about it.

I don't think she's scared of dying,

I think she's just worried that when she does go

there's so many people left on the planet she didn't manage to annoy.

As my dad always says, life's a bitch and then you die.

.*

.*

Don't worry, you'll be OK.

(TEARFULLY) Everything's gonna be OK.

(WHIMPERS)

Oi, you! What the frigging hell was you doing to them?

What has this got to do with me?

Well done. One down, only a few hundred to go.

Oh, I said this place was a death trap.

Come on, Michael. I want back in the pool.

You are not! You're staying out of that pool today. Oh, Mum!

Can I go now?

Somebody dies during your aerobics class

and you're asking what's it got to do with you?!

Have you never heard of "Where there's a blame there's a claim"?

He's not dead.

Also, he was not doing the class. He was standing at the side.

Bloody hell! He doesn't look too clever!

I'd be surprised if that one doesn't go back in a body bag. Ha!

This is not my fault! Well, I'm sorry,

something like this could close us down.

Clear out your locker and we'll pay you till the end of the month!

What?! Janey!

Janey!

Senor Garvey, the fat man,

he was not doing the aerobics - did you see?

I've got enough problems of my own.

No, I am listening to you, I'm just looking outside.

It looks like someone's died in the pool.

Oh, that reminds me,

can you record Strike It Lucky for me?

I don't know.

One of the cable channels.

All right, son.

Give my love to Chantelle and baby Coolio.

Oh, our Pauline's up!

Do you want to say a quick hello?

No, it's all right, she doesn't want to either.

OK. Speak to you tomorrow.

Bye...bye.

That was our Geoff.

You know he's working now.

I've booked a flight home tomorrow. You what?

I'm in my 40s. I can't live like a student any more.

What do you mean like a student?

How many students do you know have luxury holidays in Spain?

Luxury?!

You call this luxury?!

Well, I've been in worse places.

I'm sure you have. Well, I for one have not.

There's no need to go.

We've only got three or four days left.

We could have a day trip somewhere.

(DOOR CLOSES AND LOCKS)

Oh, 'eck.

Well, I hate to admit it but you were right not to go in.

Thank you. It could have been you, that.

I beg your pardon? Well,

you're doing dead good with your no carbs thing, but, you know...

I know what? You know,

a man in your state should be... careful.

To which kind of state do you refer?

Well, what I mean is...

Oh, how can I put this?

If you were a derelict building,

they probably wouldn't let kids play in you.

Kenneth, tell me something, as you sit here on this free holiday,

sipping unlimited cocktails in the sun,

have you ever heard of the phrase "Don't bite the hand that feeds you"?

No. Quelle surprise.

Do they teach you that at Weight Watchers?

I don't go to Weight Watchers! Hm.

Oh, have you got any sun cream? Yes.

Brilliant. Where is it?

Are you asking if I have any or if you can have some?

Oh, forget it. I'm not begging.

There's a supermarket next to the hotel.

I haven't brought any money with me. You said this was all-inclusive.

All-inclusive means food and drink.

What kind of all-inclusive resort provides sun cream?

Oh, God! Sorry, hold that thought. Back in a bit.

What are you doing? Where do you keep going?

Won't be long.

(GROANS)

Who's he talking to?

I've no idea.

Can you hear what he's saying? No.

Well, ask him what it's all about. Oh, for God's sake! Mick!

Ssh!

That's not my dad's mobile he's talking on.

What's going on, Mum? I don't know, darling.

It's got something to do with them fellas in suits, I know it.

Well? Well what?

Who were them men in the suits? What men?

Useless!

The ones stood behind you when you were at the bar.

Oh, um...

I don't know.

You went all the way over to the bar to see what was going on

and you didn't find out? I went over to the bar for a drink!

Not according to my mother.

Oh, well, then, your mother's wrong.

Dad, whose phone's that?

It's my phone.

No, your phone's rubbish, that one's really good.

Mick, just tell us what is going on! Nothing's going on!

There's nothing to worry about! See, that's your problem.

You always make a big fuss about stuff before you know the facts!

So what ARE the facts? There aren't any!

Just thought I'd bring you all a few drinks.

Oh, thank you.

I took the liberty of bringing you a little chaser.

What's that? It's a drop of brandy,

to steady your nerves. Nothing wrong with my nerves.

Well, you are an amazing woman, Mrs Harvey.

All I'm saying is, if two big, hairy gorillas

had just threatened to kill me over an unpaid debt,

I'd be putting my knickers on the boil wash by now.

(LAUGHS)

Have you finished with my phone?

Champion.

Oh, it's too hot.

Really? I'm fine.

I think it's a quarter of my body

encased in itchy, sweat-drenched airtight plaster

that's taking my mind off how boiling the rest of me is!

There's no way that's a quarter of your body.

I beg your pardon? Don't say it as if it's our fault.

Our fault? Our fault? What, you and your husband?!

Our fault, as in myself and Liam -

the two people who were with you when you fell off your dance podium.

Fell off? You dragged me off! I didn't drag you anywhere.

She didn't drag you! You fell off cos you were drunk!

Haven't you got really important things to do,

like...plaiting your dad's hair?

No. Just leave it, Sam.

His hair's not long enough to plait. Anyway, it's a wig.

He could probably do it himself. Shut up!

Don't take it out on him.

God, this is driving me mental!

Liam, why don't you get us all a drink?

I'll give my dad a wave. No, Liam,

why don't YOU get us all a drink?

It's no bother, it's my dad's job.

Sam and I need to talk to each other. Oh, OK.

Oh, for crying out loud. This is the most stupid person

I've ever met in my entire life!

Listen, I think I'd better make myself scarce.

She's obviously a bit upset with you. I'll see you later.

He's actually quite funny.

He's not. He's not funny.

He's irritating, immature, stupid... He's not stupid, he's sweet.

Oh, my God, you actually fancy him.

Course I don't fancy him. Then tell him to go away!

(MUFFLED) Listen, I'll get the drinks in a minute.

I've just got to try and sort this out.

(THEY LAUGH RAUCOUSLY)

So basically, the debt's been passed on

and I've arranged to meet them to sort it out.

But why meet them? We haven't got the money.

I'm gonna try and work out a deal. They can't buy someone else's debt.

Tell them to shove it up their arse.

Madge Harvey, the Kofi Annan of the Costa Blanca.

Right, I'd best get off.

Come on, let's get packed up.

What do you think you're doing? We're coming with you.

You don't think I'm letting you go on your own, do you? Come on, Mam.

Michael, you're staying here with your Auntie Noreen.

I don't have an Auntie Noreen. You do now.

I want to come.

Oh, let him come. He doesn't take up any room in the car.

It's not about car space!

This is a meeting with a psychotic Mafia boss,

not a day out at Centre Parcs!

You're all staying here!

Come on, Mam, you bring the bags.

I'll drop Michael off and I'll see you at the car. Right.

You can't come with me! It's too dangerous!

Wait for me!

Jan!

Let's have a look.

She's a good-looking lass, that Natalie.

Yeah, I know.

Don't mess this one up, son. No, I won't.

Yeah, that's fine.

What's going on? Just one minute, Janey.

Give it a bit of a wiggle.

Yeah, you're good to go with that, son. Thanks, Dad.

Actually, on second thoughts, I don't want to know.

Have you seen Mateo? He's gone, but he hasn't cleared his locker out.

No, I haven't seen him. Right.

Are you sure that's your son? Yeah, Liam's my youngest.

I've got two more, twins, but they're in Israel.

Living on a kebab.

This place is like a Channel Four documentary sometimes.

She's gone.

Lesley, you have to help me. I need this job.

Don't worry, I think I've got an idea.

We must have gone wrong somewhere.

He said third exit off the CV-758 on the way to Les Tapiades.

This is the right road.

We should have brought Michael. At least he can read a map.

Let's turn round and go home. Frigg the lot of 'em.

They'll soon come running when you don't turn up.

They'll come running with sawn-off shotguns.

Have you never seen Lock, Stock?

Must be through that tunnel. You've got to be joking.

If you think you're taking me up Crack Alley,

you've got another think coming. You've never complained before.

Did you miss me? With every fibre of my being.

Where did you go to? Oh, just a little shower.

You know, freshen myself up a bit.

You probably haven't noticed, but it's quite hot.

Hello. You all right?

Do you fancy eating out tonight? My treat.

Who was that? Who was what?

That man you just said hello to.

I didn't say hello to anyone. A man just walked past,

he smiled and nodded and you said hello to him.

Did I?

It's just people on holiday, in't it?

So do you fancy a pizza tonight?

I thought you didn't bring any money. Yeah, I thought I didn't,

but I found some euros in my case.

Must be from that weekend I had in Ibiza last year.

So if you don't fancy a pizza, do you fancy a Chinese?

No, thank you. Oh, suit yourself.

Hi. Hiya.

What?

(SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC)

Where the bloody hell are we?

Is it a film set?

I know where we are. Mel told me about this place.

They built it as a Wild West theme park.

He was thinking of buying it.

They used to do a cowboy stunt show.

Only one night, someone changed all the blanks in the guns

for real bullets.

Bloody hell! What happened? What do you think happened?

Next day, first lot of tourists came in, show started,

absolute bloodbath.

Why would somebody do that?

Something to do with a bad debt, apparently.

Oh, my God.

.*

.*

Everybody keep calm.

Everything's gonna be all right... as long as we don't panic.

Drive forward. Piss off!

What are we gonna do? We can't just sit here.

Just...let me think.

Oh, for God's sake. Wait here, I'll go talk to 'em.

BOTH: No!

Just...just drive forward a bit.

What are you piddling about at?

We'll be here all bloody day at this rate!

What do you want me to do?

Hang on. Look.

Throw out your weapons.

Are you taking the piss?

Don't antagonise him! Throw something out!

What am I supposed to throw out? Anything. Just do as he says.

Here you are.

Step out of the car. Slowly.

OK. After three, we're all gonna get out the car.

Stay together. No sudden movements.

One...two...

Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers!

Mother, what are you doing?!

What the frigg are you doing

dragging us all out here to the arse-end of nowhere?

You might enjoy piss-balling about playing cowboys and Indians,

but personally, I've got bigger fish to fry.

Mam, these are dangerous people. Please let Mick deal with it.

Dangerously stupid! Look at him!

When you're as fat as that,

the last thing you want to wear in this weather is a three-piece suit!

This is not a three-piece suit.

It's a TWO-piece.

Oh, God! Jesus!

Well, why are you wearing a tie? You're sweating like a pig on a spit!

It was not that hot when I left home this morning.

And why on earth are you wearing that colour?

Don't tell me it's slimming cos I've got news for you.

That suit's black, not black magic.

It's a work suit. I wear what I'm told to wear.

For crying out loud!

I can't listen to any more of this rubbish!

Now listen, have you got my money or haven't you?

Sorry, am I talking to myself?

Are you...Mr Pink? Yes.

And before you ask me, no, it is not my real name,

and yes, I did choose it.

Now, where's my money? I haven't got it.

We HAVE got it, just not here.

So, you've driven all this way for nothing.

Do you know how much petrol these things use? I am lucky

if I'm getting six miles to the gallon!

Do you accept VISA?

Yes, of course we do.

Will you wait for me while I nip back to the office for the machine?

Course we don't accept fucking VISA!

Where do you think you are, John Lewis?!

Do you accept PayPal?

I don't believe I'm hearing this.

What the bloody hell's PayPal? Oh, it's brilliant.

I use it to pay for stuff I've won on eBay -

stuff for a couple of quid you don't want to use your credit card for.

All right! That's enough!

Uri, get in the car with them.

We're taking them to the track.

I have told you, sir, do not excite yourself.

You have had a long week.

I know. I know, Uri.

(SNIFFLES) I do too much. Yes, sir.

Get in the car!

Move! We are going to track. All right!

Just get in, Mam. Mam, just get in.

Excuse me, woman dying of thirst here!

I am not working today.

You don't seem to do much work any day.

It shouldn't stop you passing me a Vodka Coke.

Did you see what happened at the pool today?

I've seen that bloke getting dragged out by his feet.

Has he sued you yet?

He was not doing the aerobics class when he went under the water.

Yeah, I believe you. Thousands wouldn't.

Maybe, if you were a witness, if you say you saw everything,

we could come to some kind of er... arrangement.

Yeah, no worries.

50 euros and I'll say I pushed him under.

Well, I don't have money.

But I could pay you in another way.

Really? Oh, yes.

It could be a very, very big payday for you if you say the right things.

Aw, and if only you could say the right things,

you probably wouldn't be a sad, lonely old leather-faced waiter

cleaning up other people's shite.

I am not a waiter! I am a barman!

Stop looking at my arse!

Oh, shit!

Look, mate, what's happening? What are we doing here?

We've said we can pay your money, just not today.

And before you say anything, this is 90 calories.

Just call the police.

What, at 40 pence a minute?

I mean, it's not the money...

We don't know the number, do we?

(GROANS)

What the hell's going on here?

I don't remember saying that we were having lollies.

Sorry, sir, I...was going to get you one when you came out.

I did not want it to melt.

Forget it! Get me my helmet.

Yes, sir.

Mr Pink wants his helmet.

What are we doing here? I am gonna make you

an offer that you can't refuse.

I've always wanted to say that.

Now, at this moment in time,

thanks to your late husband,

you owe me 3,000 euros. She doesn't owe you a cent.

You can't pass on a debt without telling someone.

I know all about it. Never a lender or a borrower be.

Many a mickle makes a muckle.

I see you've brought your legal representative with you.

So what's this offer, then? Very simple. Double or quits.

Shove it. Oh, for crying out loud, Mother!

Right!

Ten laps around the track.

If I win, your debt doubles.

If I lose,

you walk away from here debt free.

This is a bloody cinch. Have you ever seen me on a go-kart?

I'm like shit off a stick.

You've got yourself a deal.

No, no, no! Not you!

I want to race her!

Rent-a-gob.

You what? Don't be ridiculous. There's nothing ridiculous about it.

Give me a helmet, I'll run rings around him. If it IS a him.

Mother, you're not racing in a car.

Mick, tell her. She'll break her neck.

Well, if she wants to have a go...

Do your worst.

Oh, no. I intend to do my best.

Which will leave you six grand in debt.

(MICK AND JANICE ARGUE)

Why don't we make this even more interesting?

If I win, I get to clear my debt

and get another 3,000.

If you win,

we owe you 10 grand.

I've made easy money before... (CHUCKLES)

..but this is taking the piss.

You've got yourself a deal.

Start the engines!

Mr Catellanos,

I need you to clear out your locker.

Oh, and leave the premises.

Janey, why are you being like this? I'm sorry,

but I'm just covering my back.

Janey, let me get this straight.

You're worried that the guy nearly drowned

as a direct result of doing the water aerobics class.

That's what happened. I spoke to Mr Stewart's wife

before they left for the hospital.

What if I can prove otherwise? What's this?

J Iglesias, Solicitors?

The logo's a bit wonky.

Well, he's a mate of mine. He's just starting out, like, you know.

"I, the undersigned, do hereby confirm

that I was witness to the fact that Mr Donald Stewart

was not participating in the Solana water aerobics.

Moreover, I also confirm

that Mr Stewart was talking to myself

at the side of the pool prior to the accident

complaining about his long-term ill health.

Signed M Garvey." Who's M Garvey?

You know that rough family, always sitting up at the top corner?

Can we narrow it down a bit?

All right. Well, I suppose we're covered with this

if the Man From Atlantis tries to make a claim.

Can I keep this copy? Absolutely.

This means I can stay, Janey? Put your shirt on.

And no more serving people in a sweaty vest.

Thank you, Janey! Thank... And don't forget your name badge.

Phew!

Thank you, Lesley. No worries, pal.

Let's just say you owe me one.

Absolutely.

Hey, how did you get this signed?

The family in the corner went away today.

Not all of them.

(THEY CHUCKLE)

Ah! ha-ha!

Mr Pink, are you ready?

Wrinkly old woman,

are you ready? Shove it!

Let's burn some rubber!

It's not working!

It's not working!

He's given me a dud!

You're pressing the brake, you daft cow!

Use the pedal next to it! Move your foot to the right!

And take that big bloody helmet off!

You'll go twice as fast without it! Don't say that!

What if she falls out?

How's she gonna fall out? She can't even get bloody moving!

Oh, there's another pedal here. This might...

Aaaauuuggghhh!

Hee-hee! No, you don't!

Up yours! Up yours, an' all!

(GROANS) Well, there goes six grand.

Don't say that! She's getting going now, she might catch up.

How's she gonna catch up?

If she goes any slower, she'll be going bloody backwards!

Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.

What the bloody hell does that mean?

You know. Like the tortoise and the hare. My mother's the tortoise.

How is the fact that your mother looks like a tortoise

gonna help her win a bloody go-kart race?

Oh! Come on, Mam!

Put your foot down, for God's sake!

Where are we gonna find 6,000 euros?

Well, it could be worse. How on earth could it be worse?

It could have been 10,000.

.*

.*

I'll get you!

Nah, you've got no chance!

Right, I've seen enough.

Mam! Come on!

Get off the track! You're only gonna get hurt!

(ENGINE SPLUTTERS) Oh, shit!

Hang on a minute.

What's going on?

Uri! Get over here now!

Who has been riding my go-kart? Who?

Nobody, sir. Nobody else can fit inside this one.

Wait, sir, I will get you another kart.

There's no point in getting another kart!

My feet can't reach the pedals in the others! Get me a mechanic! Now!

Go on, move your arse!

Hey, you! Wheeeeee!

Hurry up!

Ha-ha! Go on, Madge! Go on!

Come on, Mam! You've only got...

How many times has she got to go round?

Three more laps to catch up, then two more to win.

Three more times round to catch up, and then when you've done that,

two more... For Christ's sake, put your foot down!

Just keep going, Madge! Just keep going!

Mr Pink! Wait! I'm coming! Move your arse!

Oh! Ow! Argh!

Come on, Madge! You can do it!

Oh, she's gonna win! She's gonna win!

I'm gonna get you!

Inch High Private Eye's on the move again!

Come on, Madge! Keep going!

And as they come around the bend for the final lap,

it's Madge on the inside.

Mr Pink trying to make a break for it but Madge puts her foot down!

Is there no one who can stop this woman? She is on fire!

Mr Pink jostling for position but he's still bringing up the rear,

and not for the first time, I should imagine.

Another bend, wheels almost touching,

but it's Madge still in the lead...

Get off my track, you bastard thing!

..while Mr Pink turns the air blue.

And now, as they come around the bend for the final straight,

it's Madge, Madge, Madge all the way!

Go on, Mam!

Mr Pink has edged in front! No! No!

I've got my money! Come on!

Put your foot down, Madge! For God's sake put your foot down!

What's she do...?

Wheeeeee! Ha-ha-ha!

But it's Madge who clinches it! Madge is the winner!

Ladies and gentlemen, the hero of the hour is Mrs Madge Harvey!

Mother, you were amazing!

Oh, get us a fag, quick!

Come on Madge, let's get out of here while we can.

Hang on a minute, we've got a bit of business to sort out first.

You've just lost me 10,000 euros!

Get out of my sight! Go on, get out of my sight!

And I want that signet ring back I bought you!

Oi, Pinky!

You owe me 3,000 euros. You what?

We changed the bet just before the race.

I am sorry.

I don't seem to remember anything of that nature.

Yes, you bloody do! We shook hands on it.

Mother, come on, let's just get out of here.

And you have witnesses to this last-minute change of rules, hm?

No, I thought not.

So take your bony carcass

and your scummy family

and get off my property

before I change my mind about the whole thing.

Come on, Madge, let's just go.

Right, that's fine,

but we both know what that deal was.

And believe me, when I get back on my feet, which I will,

I'll let it be known that Mr Pink is a Welsh.

Welsh? I'm from Southend-on-Sea.

Not from Wales, you tit!

Welsh, you welshed, chickened out, you went back on the deal.

You won't even be able to get a game of blackjack!

Get off my property!

Go on! Get out of it!

# And bad mistakes

# I've made a few

# I've had my share of sand kicked in my face

# And I've come through # And I need to go on and on...

I can't believe you won, Nana. No, neither can we.

I can't believe I missed it.

Oh, you didn't miss much, darling. It wasn't that exciting.

I just wanted to say I had lovely day with Michael.

He was absolutely no bother at all.

We had great fun, didn't we?

Pauline's going home tomorrow,

so maybe we can finish that game of I Spy.

Something beginning with P, wasn't it?

But I've forgotten the clues.

Something blue, wet, and people swim in it.

Oh, yeah.

No, we'll have to carry on with it tomorrow. Have a lovely night!

Madge Harvey? Yeah.

Someone left that for you at reception.

"I'm not from Wales. And I never want to see your faces around here again".

Bloody hell!

# We are the champions, my friends

# And we'll keep on fightin' till the end

I just photocopied it.

If I'd had more time I would have done it on my computer,

but me Dad needed it there and then. Not bad is it?

Brilliant.

If you were on Mastermind, what would be your specialised subject?

Good question. I think probably The Colour Purple.

Alice Walker? That's my favourite book.

No, purple.

The colour purple.

It's my favourite colour.

What would yours be?

Morons I Have Known and Almost Killed.

Oh right. I don't know nothing about that.

Right, well I've been told

if I collect a few glasses over the next couple of hours

there's 10 euros with my name on it.

Oh, well, we don't want to keep you.

I'm assuming they've just written my name on it.

It would be too much of a coincidence

for them to find one like that.

Right, see you in a bit.

Mm! Turkey meatballs in an aubergine sauce.

Well, they're nothing if not ambitious.

If I had another mouthful I'd just be forcing it in.

Oh, welcome to my world!

Is that watch new?

Oh yeah, bought it this afternoon. What do you think?

I thought you had no money?

It wasn't expensive.

Actually, it was,

but you have to treat yourself now and again, don't you?

Faggots! How dare you?

Did Judy Garland die for nothing? Oh, sorry, Donald.

Oh my goodness! We were worried about you.

I asked at reception how you were but they'd had no news.

Sit down, I'll get another chair. No, don't bother.

I've just got to pop out for 20 minutes.

Actually, probably make it half an hour. I'll see you in a bit.

How are you? Oh, not so bad.

I've got to take it easy for the next few days,

but let's face it, I'm in the right place for that.

Well, it's a bit more serious than that, Donald.

The doctor said...

Uh, he said I've got high blood pressure.

Tell me something I don't know.

How about a Slippery Nipple?

No, I'll go. I just need to nip upstairs first though.

Take your time, we'll order some food.

Are you done with this one? Would you mind if I had it as a starter?

Please, be my guest.

# We are the champions

# Of the world #

(APPLAUSE)

KENNETH: Now it's up to you to tell me how far you want to go -

you're the one who's paying.

Do you want me to reposition this mirror so you can see me doing it?

All right, I've heard enough, you disgusting pigs! I'm coming in!

I bet your wife doesn't know you're here, does she?

Course she does, she's paying for it.

(HAIR CLIPPER BUZZES)

Well, we did it, Mel.

We sorted the last of the money problems out.

We made a good team, you and me.

And now I'm going do what you always told me:

invest money in something I believe in.

You.

Just cos you're not around any more

doesn't mean I've stopped believing in you.

Mel Harvey Leisure Industry is back in business.

Right, come on.

It's been a long day.

Night, Madge.

Good night, son.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, yes! Yes! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, yes!

(CHAIR DRAGS) JANICE: Is that you coming?

No, there's a lass down there in a shower cu-

Yeah...I'm coming.

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