Original subtitles

Enjoy your holiday. Thank you.

Next, please. Buenos. Do you have your paperwork?

No. It's under the name Noreen Maltby and Pauline Mahmoud.

Ah, yes. I remembered you. The crazy lady and the fat, crazy son.

That's right. Now, I...

I beg your pardon?

Excuse me. Pardon me. Do you mind?

Now, what seems to be the hold-up?

Please. One crazy lady at a time.

It's all right. We're together.

One twin room under the names Maltby and Mahmoud.

I've told him once.

Where is your confirmation?

(SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT) Look, let's start as we mean to go on.

Each minute you're wasting here is coming out of our holiday. Where's the manager?

(DISGRUNTLED VOICES) That's right.

We want the organ donor, not the monkey.

Hey, what you calling a monkey?

You know what she meant. Don't play the racist card with me, my friend.

I've just spent four years married to a Saudi.

This is the first time I've been in the sun without a blanket on my head.

What's going on here? Get that pool bar open. Right, who's next?

Yes. My mother and I wish to check in.

Here are our passports. We do not have our confirmation.

Ah, don't worry about that. Half the people staying here can't even spell their own surname.

Why do I get the impression this holiday was not a good idea?

Oh, my God. This place doesn't change much, does it?

It's like an Hammer House of Horror film.

Says Madge Barron, the bride of Frankenstein.

My surname is Harvey.

I'm sure I've seen that woman somewhere before.

That was it. She was in that programme where they all had embarrassing illnesses.

Everything downstairs had collapsed.

She had to wear five pair of knickers to get out of the house without leaving a trail.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Looks like she's only got two pairs on today.

I saw that one. That ain't her.

That woman had blotchy legs. Hers look all right.

Er...do we have to?

(SNIFFING NOISILY)

I might have a salad today.

You don't want owt heavy when it's hot, do you?

I must have had this cossie five years.

It washes really well.

Isn't that pool a lovely blue? Oh, for Christ's sake!

What's wrong with you? Do we have to sit and listen to this drivel,

just cos we're not allowed to mention that Lady Muck's in Shit Street?

Here we go. Here we go what?

We sat all night not mentioning it.

Not mentioning what? You're penniless,

homeless and in debt up to your eyeballs.

Your problems won't go away just cos we don't talk about them.

Yes. My late husband may have made a few mistakes,

but don't you forget, as you sit with a beer and cigarette in your hands,

just how much he gave you,

while never asking for a penny in return.

Now look what you've done. Oh, for crying out loud! Where are you going?

Getting a coffee. Two sugars, please.

Get it yourself. (CHUCKLES) Now, there's a surprise.

Mick Garvey, public enemy number one.

Do you want anything, Michael?

What's going on? Your father's being a dickhead, as usual.

Oh, right.

(GASPS)

We meet again.

Yeah, funny, that(!) What were the odds of that happening?

What do you mean? I mean...

we're staying in the same hotel.

Who'd have thought we'd meet again so soon(?)

But it's not that big. And there's only one pool.

Yeah, that was...

kind of my point.

Anyway, I'd better go and count my flip-flops.

No, wait a minute.

I was wondering...if you...

wanted to do something tonight.

Depends what you had in mind.

Oh, you're so beautiful! I just want to grab you!

You do realise you just said that out loud?

Sorry. Sometimes things just come out of my mouth.

I meant, like...

I once had this puppy. I called it Keith,

and I just wanted to squeeze it, cos it was so cute.

And I assume Keith is no longer with us.

No, he died. There's a surprise(!)

No, I didn't kill him.

No, no, Keith died of old age.

Well, at least the story's got a happy ending(!)

So, do you fancy going on a date?

I promise not to squeeze you to death.

Ahh. That's really sweet, Liam.

But I'm not 100 per cent available.

Oh, that's all right. I'll take the bit that is available.

(CHUCKLES)

That's a joke. I would prefer all of you.

She's shagging barmen! That's not true.

Which one? No...

I'm not seeing anyone.

I used to go out with a barman, but I don't any more. I'm single.

The one she nearly married, but he forgot about her when she finished her holiday. Funny, that.

Sorry - I have to go and stand on my friend's neck for a bit.

So, you are single, then?

Yeah, I'm single. Cool.

Cool.

You really are genuinely hilarious(!)

Aren't I? No.

You still haven't spoken to him, have you?

No, I haven't. And I'm not going to.

Listen. I was thinking about checking out a few clubs tonight.

Let us know how you get on.

I wondered if you fancied it.

No, cos it's actually us that are together.

Me and Natalie. Do you know what I mean?

Oh...!

Oh, it all makes sense now.

She's winding you up.

Well, I thought YOU looked a bit dykey, but I didn't want to say anything.

But I'm cool with it, cos my dad's a transvestite, so...

So, let's all have a big lesbian-transvestite party(!)

Cool! We're not lesbians.

I don't even like her very much.

Yeah. We'll come out with you tonight.

Excuse me? What else are we gonna do?

Oh, it was a joke! (LAUGHS)

I knew you were too hot to be a rug-muncher. I'll see you both tonight.

(CHUCKLES)

Seriously, you do not fancy that, do you?

Course I don't, but he is quite funny.

'I knew you were too hot to be a rug-muncher.'

It's gonna be such a lovely evening(!)

Now, what I tend to do is get a little spot just over there,

not too far away from the bar, but...

No, no. The sun is too direct there.

Do you want to die of skin cancer? Is that what you want?

Well, not really. I tend to use a high-factor cream. Plus, I don't really...

No, this way. Come on. This way.

Oh, hello!

Your other friend not with you?

No, he's had to go... Come on.

You know all the movers and shakers(!)

That's Noreen. She usually comes with her son,

but he's obviously grown out of that.

How old was he? About 46.

Well, it looks like Noreen's found herself a rather forceful young lady friend.

That must be her daughter.

Yeah, right(!) Have you never seen The Killing Of Sister George?

Come the end of this holiday, them two will be dressing like Laurel and Hardy and smoking cigars.

Are you texting Troy? Yes.

Funny, isn't it? He's sitting by his father's death bed,

and you're on holiday, slapping on the factor-20 and knocking back the sangrias.

What do you mean by that? Nothing.

The only reason I came here is because I don't know Troy's father. I'd just be in the way.

Yeah, absolutely. Troy hardly knows his father. It's very difficult.

I hear you, sister. And the only reason YOU are on this holiday

is because Troy was kind enough to let you take his place.

Oh, he was(!)

Hola. New menus. Oh, ta.

I'm just about due a nosebag. Thank you.

What is 'nosebag'?

What they put on a horse when he has his dinner.

Ah, like bag with food for the horse.

That's right. A nosebag. (CHUCKLES)

I like this!

See anything you like?

Oh, yes. He means on the menu.

Oh, right. Erm...

I'll have the steak, please.

Very rare. Just a faint pulse.

And for you? There's absolutely nothing I can have.

He's on a diet.

Green salad, with dressing on the side.

So, that's a rare steak for one hungry horse,

and a salad for one starving cow.

Gracias.

De nada.

Ooh!

I think he needs one of my special back rubs.

You must be the only person here he hasn't been with.

What, even you? Oh, certainly not!

Just about everyone else, though.

Oh, I'm not bothered.

When it comes to sloppy seconds, I don't mind bringing up the rear.

Oh, sorry, love. These sun beds belong to someone.

I think we've got somebody's sun beds.

Hello. I'm sorry. Are these yours?

There are no towels here. These are free.

I've just told you - they're not free.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

I've just said: these are our sun beds.

Come on. Let's have you. Did you just touch me?

Did you just touch me?!

What's wrong with her? I never went anywhere near you.

I just want our sun beds back.

Come on. Right.

(GRUNTS)

No! I'm not giving it to you!

(MOANS) I'm not giving it to you!

What's going on?

I'm not giving it to her.

So, this Lesley-Les thing - why do you do it?

I've never really thought about it. Are you two different people?

Well...kind of. It's hard to explain.

I mean, you are not like a vampire or werewolf?

When you change, you still have your...pee-pee - yes?

All right, Dumb and Dumber. Get the bar cleaned up.

Hey, I've done all the mixers, cleaned the drinks machine and topped up the spirits.

And what have you done?

Don't worry - I know.

Done your hair. Flicked through a copy of American Vogue.

(CHUCKLES) You know, sometimes it's difficult to tell

which one's on the change.

Ha-ha-ha(!) Why do you do all these things and make me look bad? Huh?

If a pattern emerges, look to yourself.

I don't know what that means. Look...

If I look after my side of things and you look after yours,

everybody will get on champion, young 'un.

Really?

That's what you think.

One large Honky-Tonk and one regular Witch's Tit.

Lovely. Thank you, Lesley. How are the new cocktails going down?

Oh, champion, man. They can't get enough of them.

I think it's the funny names that they like. You know? (CHUCKLES)

I'll see you later.

Oh, hello. Are these seats free?

Absolutely. Grab some plastic.

It's Don, isn't it?

Donald and Jacqueline. You remember Noreen?

Hello again. Hello.

This is my daughter Pauline.

Great to meet you.

It's very hot. Oh, you've hit the high season.

Do what we do - drink plenty of liquids and sleep in the nude.

I don't think I shall be sleeping in the nude. I've seen the bedding.

Ooh, you sound foreign.

Pauline lived in South Africa for ten years.

Now she's in Dubai. We're having this holiday to catch up,

before she moves back properly to the UK.

Oh, lovely. Do you like it here?

Not really, what I've seen of it so far.

We asked for a low-level apartment.

They've put us on the 11th floor.

We're the same. We're on the top floor and I have no head for heights.

Plus, Donald sleep-walks, as well.

We had a siesta yesterday afternoon,

and he stumbled out onto the balcony,

still asleep, climbed over it,

and sat right on the edge.

He was swinging backwards and forwards,

and you could see people down below,

terrified he was going to toss himself off.

(CLEARS THROAT)

We could have a walk into Benidorm, if you wanted.

I think that's a good idea.

We'll see you later. Bye-bye.

Handsome woman. Oh, yes.

Right. We've got work to do.

Oh, yeah.

What are they doing?

No? Oh...

It doesn't bear thinking about. And don't ask them, either.

If you show the remotest interest,

you'll end up dangling from a crucifix, wearing a rubber corset.

Wouldn't be the first time. Right. Who's the Virgin Mary?

That'll be me.

And you must be the Angry Dwarf.

I ordered it for you. It's supposed to be nice.

Enjoying your holiday? It's not so much enjoying, more tolerating.

Hey, you'll not get a better all-inclusive than this, you know.

Plus, we've got the best pool in Benidorm.

He's joking. This is his fourth time. You're doing something right.

But YOU'RE new here. Oh, aye, it's my first week.

They decided it was time for a bit of fresh meat. Any cheesy nibbles?

Oh, not for me, thanks.

Gavin...would you like to try Lesley's cheesy nibbles?

Oddly enough, no. Gavin's on a diet.

Oh, I used to struggle with MY weight. Used to?

But when I hit 40, last year, the weight just fell off.

And ever since then, I've been lucky enough to maintain my schoolgirl figure.

Aye.

(MUNCHING) I'll see you later.

Isn't that the schoolgirl figure Jamie Oliver campaigns against?

Oh, top form! (LAUGHING)

Right, Mam. Let's be having you.

What do I want to go to a water park for?

Oh, you know you want to. I can just see you coming down a slide on your scooter.

I thought we were all going. Well, I've changed my mind.

Oh...

All right. We'll go later in the week.

Oh, Nana, please. I really wanted to go today.

To be honest, I just want to spend a bit of time on my own.

On your own? You've been on your tod for the past six months.

And that's how I like it. You go.

It'll give me a chance to go to the indoor market.

Well, we'll only be a couple of hours. See you later, Mam.

Nana, I've got the money I saved up for my holidays,

but it's all-inclusive, so I don't really need it.

Oh, I don't want your money, darling.

You go and enjoy yourself. You...

Jesus! How much is there?

It's about 200 euros.

Tell you what. You give me that to look after, and if I see anything nice, I'll get it for you.

All right. See you later.

Another coffee, Mrs H? No.

I'm off to get my hair done.

Hurry up! I wanna get in the water.

Hold on. Your mother wants a lolly. Do you not want an ice cream?

No, I just want to get in.

Well, you can only go in with a responsible adult.

Oh, don't say that. I wanted to go in with my dad.

Wey-hey! He's learning!

Oh, come on. What's the hold-up?

The lollies will be out of date when we get there.

No. Look at the one I'm pointing to.

That is not mint choc chip.

What you're showing me is mint choc chip.

Why don't you have another one of them slush drinks?

I don't want another one. The last one gave me brain freeze.

Oh, like Walt Disney?

What? Didn't he have his brain frozen,

in case they found out how to bring people back to life?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Excuse me. There's people back here spitting feathers...

Oh, it's you. I might have guessed.

She's just choosing an ice cream.

This is a queue. I'm at the front of it; you're at the back of it. Deal with it.

Did she keep the receipt from the charm school(?)

The more you breathe down my neck, the longer it will take me to decide. You understand?

She doesn't want a slush, because it freezes her brain.

Can you not get one that freezes her gob?

Oh, come on. I'm not bothered about a lolly. Oh, hello.

Why don't we get you a lolly when we get ours?

Because the park shuts at seven, and if she pisses about, we'll still be here.

Do you mind? I don't take kindly to that kind of language.

Here you go, Mum. Hey, where did you get them?

There's another shop round the corner. No queue.

Wait. What are you doing? You can't...

See you later! Mmm...

Hola. Hello, love.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm all right for a drink, thank you.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband.

He was a good man.

Yes, he was a good man.

I remembered your wedding on the beach.

Beautiful day. Yeah.

When the fat man drop-kicked him from the parachute...

I thought it was all over for Senor Harvey.

No. He was made of stern stuff.

Do you remember the morning he nearly drowned in the pool?

I think this was the day before he was almost killed by an electric juicer.

He had his scrapes - I'll give you that.

And the time he was nearly barbecued when his mobility shop burned to the ground.

All right. Just fuck off now.

I was just - how you say? - reminiscing.

Really? Well...

If you don't frig off, people around here will be reminiscing

about that waiter who got run over by an electric scooter.

So, you're finding your feet?

Oh, yeah. It beats being on my hands and knees all day. (CHUCKLES)

What did you do before you started here?

Actually, I don't want to know.

Right. There's a time to chat and a time to work. Now's the time to work.

You could do with taking a leaf out of his book.

Whatever book he has, I do not want to read it.

It means you should be more like him.

You want me to dress like this?

You know what I mean.

So, you have not heard the complaints?

What complaints?

Some of the parents of the children - they are concerned.

Concerned about a fella dressed as a woman?

Have they never been to a pantomime?

I'll tell you what - it's all go today.

Are you sure this just isn't you trying to have a go at him?

Why would I do this? He does all the work. I look after the bar.

We are a good team.

It's just...his scary look is making the little children cry.

This cannot be a good thing.

OK. Leave it with me.

I can't have people complaining.

I'll tell him not to come dressed as Lesley no more.

I think this is the best.

Yeah, right. Anyway, get this bar cleared up.

Yes, Janey.

Adios, Lesley!

(CHUCKLES)

OK. Balls are in short supply,

so you'll have to go gentle with me.

Oh, sounds fun. Can we watch?

Why don't you join in? Absolutely.

How about mixed doubles?

What do you think?

With us four at the table, doubles have never been so mixed.

Smashing. I'll get the other bats.

And I'll get the drinks. Perfect!

I'm afraid you'll have to go easy on me. I'm not a natural sportsman.

I've always been good at sports. I don't know why.

Anything with balls, and you can't keep me off it.

You don't say? Any word on Troy's dad?

I spoke to Troy this morning. He's stable.

I think, if his condition doesn't deteriorate, Troy will come here next week.

Oh, lovely! Then it'll be the three of you.

Makes it a bit more exciting, doesn't it?

Well, no. Kenneth works for us in our salon, so he'll be going back.

I see.

I had a Saturday job in a hair salon when I was at school.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Well, I say 'hair salon'. It was more of a beauty parlour.

Well, I say 'beauty parlour'. It was more of a massage parlour.

Well, I say 'massage parlour'. It was more of a...

Yes, I think I understand.

Here you are. A pre-match warm-up and oranges for half-time...

with a double vodka in them.

Oh, I love shots!

What is this? I don't know, but it was free.

Oh...

(BOTH INHALE DEEPLY)

Like that game we had when we were kids. Hungry Hippos?

No, that long bird who used to dip her head into the glass.

I don't think we need to bring your mother into this.

Right. Game on.

Gavin was saying you work for him at the hair salon.

Well, I like to think I work WITH him.

He likes to think that, but he actually works FOR me.

Shall we serve? Why not?

Ow! Oh, sorry! Are you all right?

Apart from the ping-pong ball embedded in my stomach, yes.

Right. Bob Marley - one-love.

(LAUGHS) Very good!

Who is it? Bob Marley - one-love.

Oh, is it 'winner stays on'?

What are you talking about? This Bob fella. Is he on next?

No, Bob Marley sang a song called One Love.

Did he? Oh, lovely.

Right. So, what's the score, then?

ALL: One-love!

Oh, yeah. Right.

My serve again. Here we go.

(MOUTHING)

Look, we may go and sit down, catch the last couple of hours of sun.

All right. No problem. See you later.

Oh, yeah. See you later.

No way. Absolutely no way. Oh, come on!

Remember when you used that bidet in the hotel?

Well, it's just like that - except, you're moving, instead of the water.

Get lost. Come on, Mam. It'll be brilliant.

I'll tell you what. You and your dad go down it, and I'll take your picture.

They take your picture, anyway. See? They take your picture, anyway.

You have to pay for it, but it's a big one in a frame.

No, your mother's right. She should stay here.

Well, we need someone to look after our stuff.

Go on. Hurry up.

Hello again. Oh, hiya. Did you get an ice cream?

Oh, yes. Queued for half an hour,

but it's all part of the fun, in't it?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Have you seen my daughter? We seem to have got separated.

Oh, no, I haven't. I shouldn't worry. She's not a kiddie any more.

She was 40 last week.

Have you thought about getting them to make an announcement?

No, she didn't like to make a fuss. She didn't even want a party.

I don't mean about her being 40. I mean about her being lost.

I'll give her another ten minutes. You know what kids are like.

Yeah.

Have you heard from Geoff and Chantelle?

Oh, yes, I speak to Geoff every day.

Well, I don't actually speak to him.

I send him messages on his mobile phone.

He's got all the gadgets.

Oh, yeah. I spoke to Telle yesterday...

Are you on Twitter? Am I on what?

Twitter. It's like E-mail, only a bit more hit and miss.

Oh, no, not really.

I tried texting, but my phone keeps trying to finish my sentences for me.

Oh. Well, on Twitter,

if you follow someone, you can send them a message,

and they usually answer.

Unless they're famous. Then they usually don't bother.

Mind you, I was following Bill Oddie for weeks,

but it turned out it wasn't him.

It were a psychiatric patient in Eastbourne,

pretending to be Bill Oddie.

It certainly had me fooled!

We're not pushing in. Just having a look.

Oh, come on! What's going on?

Oh, bloody hell! Not you again!

(IMPATIENTLY IN SPANISH)

Tell her I'll do it in my own time.

How can I? I don't speak the bloody lingo!

I'm not ready to do it yet! Well, stand over there, then!

Then I might not do it at all. Oh, for Christ's sake!

You're going down a bloody slide, not being pushed out of a 747!

What? 747. It's an aeroplane.

Oh, great(!) Now you're making me even more nervous, talking about aeroplanes.

There's nothing to be nervous about. Just get out of the way.

No. (SHRIEKS) Yes. Look, if you just...

(SHRIEKS)

Well, they're taking their time.

Are you waiting for someone to come down the slide?

Yeah. Oh, anybody I know?

My son and my husband. Oh, lovely.

(PAULINE SHOUTING ANGRILY)

Somebody's making a right carry-on at the top.

Can you hear them?

That'd be me shouting like that, if they'd got me up there.

Not that they would.

I don't like heights.

Or water.

I'm not that keen on the sun, to be honest.

(MICK SHOUTING ANGRILY) Oh, heck!

That doesn't sound too good.

(MICK AND PAULINE SHRIEKING)

(SHRIEKS) What's going on?

It was her! She wouldn't come down on her own.

So, you thought you'd get in with her?

No! She rammed it over me and pushed me down. (WHIMPERING)

Will you shut up? My knickers! I lost my knickers on the way down!

Her knickers?

I think she means her bikini bottom.

Get out of that rubber ring now!

I'm trying! (SHRIEKS)

(GRUNTS)

I can't see, Mum! I can't see!

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, I don't know!

They're into everything at that age, aren't they?

(PAULINE WAILING)

Why are we walking on the beach? I'm getting sand in my camel-toe.

Shut up moaning. We're nearly there.

Why are we walking on the sand?

I thought it would be romantic.

Oh, right.

Listen...

Why don't we go back to my apartment?

It'll be empty for another couple of hours.

Listen, Liam.

I think you're a really nice guy, but...

But what? I thought you said you liked me.

Well, I think you're really funny.

Yeah. A lot of my mates say that.

(GASPS)

Ooh, ooh, careful. Ooh.

Ah. It was just a matter of time until you two crazy kids got together.

You look so sweet.

It reminds me of my cousin Leanne. She's got a son with learning difficulties, as well.

Come on! I need a vodka.

# Here you come again

# Looking better than anybody has a right to

All I'm saying is, it was a genuine misunderstanding.

All right. Now, will you sit down and leave us alone?

I feel I owe some sort of apology to your wife.

You don't want to do that. No, seriously.

I'll feel terrible if I don't speak to her.

Believe me - you'll feel a hell of a lot worse if you do.

# Here I go

Mick!

# Here you come again

# Here I go #

Come on. Let's get sat down,

or else we won't get a table.

You're a good-looking man. Oh, for Christ's sake!

Come on.

That was our lovely Janice Garvey there,

with a Dolly Parton number - Here You Come Again.

Now we're gonna have a ten-minute...

Hey, that were brilliant! What did she want?

She came over to apologise.

Funnily enough, she didn't say what for.

Like she said, just a misunderstanding.

(SIGHS)

She said Mick was a good-looking fella.

You what? No, she didn't.

How do you manage with just a knife and fork?

What do you mean? You need a spoon, with all the shit-stirring you do.

Oh, do you mind not talking about S-H-I-T?

You're putting me off my curry.

We met that woman at the water park.

My dad got stuck in her ring.

And I ended up with her knickers on my head.

It wasn't as bad as it sounds.

Are you gonna eat that? It's pasta. I'm not doing carbohydrates.

So why did you order it? I thought I could pick out the chicken.

So why aren't you? Because it's in a cream sauce!

(SIGHS) You should have had this curry. It's gorgeous.

Mind you, I'll have to be careful.

What do you mean? Well, I'll put an extra valance on that bed tonight.

You don't wanna follow through after a lamb bhuna.

Oh...! Hello, boys.

We forgot to ask you earlier. I don't suppose you've got any spare change, have you?

Not really. Why? Oh, it's for a very good cause.

(POUNDING DANCE MUSIC)

Looks like Sam's got her hands full.

I think it's the other way round.

Listen. What about an ice cream on the beach?

I don't think Sam's going anywhere.

Well, I didn't mean Sam. I meant me and you.

I'm sorry. I'm not leaving my best friend here with Uncle Fester.

He's her uncle?

That's a bit weird, isn't it?

Listen. I've been asking around about what you said.

About what I said? About Lesley frightening the kiddies and that.

I didn't say they were frightened. I just said they were confused.

Is it a man? A woman?

And they ask their parents strange questions.

I say, 'Live and let live,'

but it's not fair on the children.

You're right. It's too confusing.

That's why we're giving the pool-side bar a proper theme.

What is a theme? We're making it into a drag bar.

You know, with all the men dressed as women.

You are not bringing more like him? No.

Just you and Lesley.

What?!

Janey, no.

You can't do this. I will leave.

Oh, sorry to hear that. It's been lovely working with you.

Janey, please, I need this job. Then be in an hour early tomorrow.

Why? To practise walking in your heels.

Janey, please, no.

Janey, you can't do this. Please.

# I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas plays

# Fold 'em, let 'em hit me, raise it, baby, stay with me

# Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start

# And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# I'll get him hot, show him what I've got

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# I'll get him hot, show him what I've got

# Can't read my, can't read my No, he can't read my poker face

# Can't read my, can't read my No, he can't read my poker face

(POUNDING DANCE MUSIC)

Listen, Natalie.

I like you...a lot.

I know. You said.

But I don't want to pressure you.

I mean...I've got an apartment to myself.

But I'm just happy being in your company.

Thank God for that. What?

I said: OK.

Time for bed!

Fantastic! No.

I mean on my own.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no pressure.

I'll walk you back.

Listen. I think we might go back to the Solana.

Wey-hey! I see you found your beer goggles. What?

I don't blame you. He's as thick as two short planks, but he's worth a squirt.

No, I'm not getting off with Liam!

We're just going back to the Solana. Are you coming?

I'm fine. Sam, are you sure?

We can stay out with you, if you want.

Listen. I wasn't gonna say owt, but I was gonna try and lose you two at some point.

I mean, don't get me wrong. You're lovely people,

but you're both so fucking dull.

OK. Well, see you back there, then.

Yeah. See you later.

Whooo!

Are you ready? Absolutely.

Hang on. I don't know if she's got a key to get in.

Oh, she can get another one at the hotel.

You're joking? She doesn't know her own name right now, let alone what room number she's in.

One second.

(SHOUTING AND LAUGHING)

Whoo! Have you got a key?

Yeah, I know. No. Have you got a key?

Uhh... A key for the room.

Oh, yeah. Just leave it there.

No. You'll forget it.

For God's sake! You treat me like some sort of idiot!

(GRUNTS)

Aaaarghh!

(GROANS)

Oh, my God. My leg. My leg.

I think I've broken my leg.

Well, don't just stand there, you fat dick! Get an ambulance!

# P-P-P-Poker face #

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

Thank you. I love you! I love you. Thank you.

That was our very own Lesley,

with Lady Gaga's Poker Face, apparently.

Now we have a real Benidorm favourite.

The one and only Shaun Foster Conley.

# Love is like candy on a shelf

# You want to taste and help yourself

Madge...

Have you got a moment? What do you want?

First, let me just say I can't imagine what you've been going through.

What are you talking about? Well, you know.

All your problems.

The world at your feet, and then suddenly lose your husband.

You find out he was in debt and you're left destitute, with not so much as a euro to your name.

Are you taking the piss? And so,

in the spirit of all that is Benidorm,

Jacqueline and I have been taking a collection from the residents of the Solana throughout the day

and raised 33 euros and 40 cents.

And furthermore...

First of all, let me tell you - I am not destitute.

I am merely between residences.

# ..that exists in the world

# Can never buy what I can give

I don't need your pity, and I certainly don't need charity.

I'll admit - my Mel had his problems in business.

But he taught me one valuable lesson.

There's more to life than money.

Do you think having a cliff-side villa made me happy?

Do you think having a Jacuzzi made me happy?

Do you think being able to go shopping whenever I want, not worry about the cost,

made me happy?

Mam...

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah.

None of those things made me happy.

They were nice, but they didn't make me happy.

The one thing that made me happy...

..was the love of a good man...

..and a piss-poor collection is not gonna bring him back.

So, you can stick your 33 euros where the monkey keeps his nuts.

Well, it's not only the 33...

Oh, just go away.

Why don't you give it to charity?

Do you have a favourite charity, Madge?

Oh, frig the charity.

You keep the money. Looking at the state of you,

you obviously need it much more than I do.

Oh, no, we couldn't do that.

Did you hear what I said? Keep the bloody money.

OK. Well, it's very kind of you.

I'll get the name changed on the cheque in the morning.

Hey, hang on a minute. What cheque?

The cash is from the collection,

but the Solana have also given a cheque for 500 euros.

That's very kind of you. This is our second holiday this year,

and we're certainly feeling the pinch.

I'll get the name changed in the morning. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Oh, my God!

The fat, twisting bastards.

They've got my money.

Come here, you. Come here. Come back! Come back!

You're not getting away with that!

That's my money. That is my money!

Oooh! Ow!

# Just help yourself to the love in my heart #

(GRUNTING AND GROWLING)

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