Original subtitles

FANFARE PLAYS

MUSIC: 'Flight Of The Valkyries' by Wagner

NARRATOR: Once in every decade comes a motion picture milestone.

More spine-chilling than The White Heather Club.

More brutal than Sanctuary.

More confusing than

Christopher Mousejournal Meets The Tweezer People.

Co-starring, dusky tigress, Marty Feldman

as winsome child mobster, Baby-face Lipsalve,

and snake-hipped, stoat-groined, Graham Chapman

as rival gang boss, Diamond Albert Nosefetish.

They give a whole new meaning to the word "yeurgh".

Quit stalling, Diamond.

When did Prussia first acquire the hegemony

of the North Germanic Confederation?

1866. DRAMATIC STING

Correct! What is the angle of the plane of movement

of the two outer and brighter of the four main satellites

of Uranus with the elliptic?

Eighty-two degrees.

DRAMATIC STING Correct!

What is the square root of 7,974?

89.3.

DRAMATIC STING Correct!

All right, Diamond, I don't wanna do this

but I'm gonna kill ya. Why?

You know too much!

MACHINE GUN BUZZES

FANFARE PLAYS

NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show!

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm the lovely... JOHN CLEESE: Get into the cake!

Do what, darling?

JOHN CLEESE: Get into the cake! Oh...

Hello, I'm the lovely Aimi... Oh!

Oh, sorry, but I'm stuck!

Anyway, I'm the lovely Aimi MacDonald,

and it's not my day, really.

But I'd better introduce the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, the show.

Help!

APPLAUSE

Uh, those are fine. How much are they?

39 and 11, sir. Oh, good. Well, I'll take one.

Just one? Yes.

Oh, my God! Does it have to be just one?

Well, I only need one. Right...

Just the one shirt it is, then.

Just the one... Oh, my God!

HE SOBS

Is anything the matter?

Couldn't you buy more than one shirt? Two shirts, please?

Otherwise I'm finished.

Finished? Yes, finished!

I don't sell enough shirts.

Unless I do better, I'm going to be fired.

My wife's just left me, and without her

I've got nothing to live for. And now I'm going to lose my job!

Unless I sell more shirts!

Please! Buy more shirts!

My-My dear fellow... Um...

I'm... I'm sorry.

That was inexcusable. I don't know what came over me.

I'm all right now.

Just the one shirt it is then, sir. Yes.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no. I do need more than one, really.

That's very kind, but you just asked for one shirt.

Oh, no, no, but that's silly, just popping in here

to buy one silly little shirt, no, no.

No, I need half-a-dozen, really.

Thank you, but you're just trying to be kind.

Good heavens, no. No, no. I really need half-a-dozen.

I couldn't ask you to. Not after I broke down, just now.

Oh... Broke down?!

Call that breaking down, good heavens!

You should see the way we carry on at the bank.

HE SCOFFS

I mean, some people...

well, average person wouldn't have noticed you just now.

It's just that I've trained myself to be a little extra observant.

Nobody's ever been this kind to me before.

Thank you!

Is someone serving you, sir?

Erm, yes... and splendidly, too.

Young Fillet? Fair-haired boy, this tall? Uh, yes.

He didn't break down again, did he?

No. No, no, no. Good heavens, no.

He seemed a teeny little bit upset.

His wife left him. Yes.

You know?

Yes. I see.

It's not often that people...

understand. Oh...

It's not easy in this shop, you know.

The owner's a pretty hard man.

I'm... sorry. Thank you.

You know...

..there's something unusual about you.

Oh, I...

I only came in to buy a shirt. Yes.

But you understand.

Are those the shirts for this gentleman, Fillet?

Yes, sir. HE MOUTHS

I think I know what I can do to express my gratitude.

Rogers?

Yes, sir? Rogers, get the silk shirts.

Which ones, sir? THE silk shirts.

Not THE silk shirts, sir? Yes.

But, sir... You heard what I said, Rogers.

But they're the Duke of Walton's, sir! I know that. Get them!

But he's coming to get them this afternoon, sir.

Get them! But what will we tell His Grace?

We'll just have to say they're not ready yet.

You bloody fool, you'll get us all the sack!

Get them! Yes! Get them, Rogers,

I've had enough of this place!

Good man, Fillet. I'm not taking any more of it!

Neither am I! I just wanna help this gentleman,

and then I'm going to walk out of this hell hole

with my head held high.

Yes, sir. Yes, yes, yes!

Put them here, Rogers. You can't do this, Fenton.

Can't I? And who's going to stop me?

I am. You are?

Yes, Fenton, you're mad. You can't let him have these!

Give those shirts to me!

No! Right!

I'm coming to get them. No, please, please!

This is a good man, Rogers,

and I'm going to help him if it's the one decent thing I've ever done.

It's not too late to start a new life.

These are your shirts, sir.

Please. They're very nice, but...

Don't thank me. Today, you taught me something.

Uh... how...

how much are they? How much?

HE LAUGHS

Ten... No, five pounds each.

What does it matter, now? ROGERS: Five pounds?

You can't let him have those shirts for five pounds!

They're 30 guinea shirts! Shut up!

You'll have us all put in prison!

I don't care!

There you are, take them.

And you know something? I'm glad.

Glad, do you hear me? Glad!

Yes, but, but, but £30... Please...

accept them. Yes... please.

Money, oh...

Goodbye.

And thanks. Yes. Thanks.

Thank you...

for the shirts. Thank you...

for everything.

DOOR CLOSES

ALL SING: # We sold the shirts!

# We sold the shirts!

# We sold the shirts! #

Some people have complained that this show is not satirical.

So the lovely Aimi MacDonald is going to be hard-hitting

and outspoken and prick the sacred cows of British pomposity.

Here goes. Ahem.

Mr Heath's got a glass leg.

SHE GIGGLES

Next week, Mr Wilson's legs.

NARRATOR: Now it's time for Britain's new number one quiz show,

Have A Double Your Golden Jackpot,

and here's your genial master of ceremonies,

Nosmo Claphanger!

APPLAUSE

Hello. Well, we're all set for another half-hour of fun

and embarrassment.

And tonight, we're in the town hall of the famous old city of Gooley

before our usual audience.

It's a pity we can't get the cameras on them,

so that all of you at home could have a good laugh.

Who's an ugly audience? AUDIENCE: We are!

Right, well, let's have the first greedy old couple

who think they can outsmart me.

NARRATOR: And the first greedy old couple are Mr and Mrs Staybaker

of Paddington New Town, Gloucestershire.

Well, I can't say how delighted I am to have you on the show

because I'm not. Uh, Staybaker, isn't it?

That's a stupid name, isn't it?

Now, come on. Get on these marks. Stop it! Stop it!

Get on these marks. That's right, that's right, there.

Good, where I don't have to look at you.

Now, how long have you been married? Forty years.

Forty years. Forty years to that old bag? My God!

You're ugly, woman! Ugly, ugly, ugly!

Still, I suppose he got what he deserved, yeurgh!

Come on, audience, have a laugh and make them feel rejected.

Come on! AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Right! Right, now, you. How old are you?

Seventy-three, Nosmo.

Seventy-three? Seventy-three? Well, isn't that fantas...

Call me sir! Sir!

Seventy-three, good, good. Well, isn't that fantastic?

No, it isn't. There's not a person here who looks a day under 95.

And now tell me, sir, do you have any...

Do you have a word of advice for the young people of today?

Well, I think the... Who cares what you think?

You boring turnip-faced old fool!

Who cares what you think, huh?

I'm only asking these questions to fill in the time.

Now, tell me, have you ever had an embarrassing moment?

Uh, not till now.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Don't be clever! Don't get clever with me!

We have ways of dealing with you afterwards! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Now, you're not nervous, are you? BOTH: Yes.

You are? Oh, good. We'll soon have you panic-stricken.

Ever feel the mind go blank, hm?

Now, what subject do you want to answer questions on?

Dressmaking. Dressmaking.

Right, start the clock. Dressmaking, right.

If 13 men take ten days to dig a ditch 37 by 45.5-feet wide,

how long would it take for 37 men to dig a ditch half the size?

Come on, come on! Do you understand the question?

Uh, could you repeat it? Repeat it.

Good God! They're deaf as well. Come on, come on! Come on!

All right. What I asked was, who was the substitute right back

at the Serbo-Croatian football 11 in the 1913 Olympics?

Come on! Come on!

Even I know that! Come on!

Oh, my goodness me!

Say "Jovanovic". Jovanovic!

What, what, what? Jovanovic, Jovanovic!

Jovanovic! Wrong!

HE LAUGHS CRAZILY

Uh, never mind! Oh, I'm on form tonight!

Never mind, all right, I'll give it to you.

Which number prize do you want?

We'd like to have prize number...

Come on! Come on! Make up your minds!

Make up your mind or I'll set the crossbow on you!

Come on, come on, which number? Number six!

Number six, right. Right, all right, you want number six.

Are you sure you want number six? Well, I'm not sure.

Well, why d'you say so, then? Get the bolt ready, Heinz.

Oh, it doesn't matter, doesn't matter...

All right, I'll give you £5 for number six.

Five lovely pounds! We'll take it.

More money than you've seen in your miserable lives.

Yes, we want it! Oh, look at him drool, look at him slather!

Oh, the avarice of it all.

All right, you've turned down £5. No, we haven't.

I'll double your money and give you £10.

COUPLE CLAMOUR All right, all right.

Fifty pounds! Right! BOTH: Yes.

A thousand pounds. Yes!

All right, £20,000. BOTH: Yes, yes!

Twenty thousand beautiful, crisp green crinkly smackers.

Well, what shall I do, audience?

AUDIENCE: Give 'em the money! Shut up!

What do you know? Right, you're getting number six.

Yeah, but they said... Who cares what they said? Number six it is.

Right, now, you remember the... You've turned down £20,000.

No, we didn't! You remember the prizes. Right!

There's the deluxe trip round the world for two.

The twin screw luxury motor yacht, and this week's booby prize -

a half-eaten ham sandwich.

Laugh, audience! AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Right, now which one do you want? Come on! Come on! Come on!

We'd like to have the half-eaten ham sandwich.

See, we haven't eaten since the man brought us here

and locked us up in the... Yes, well, we don't want to hear

this maudlin nonsense. Right!

Right, well, bad news, I'm afraid. Number six isn't the ham sandwich...

AUDIENCE: Ah!

..it is in fact, the luxury yacht.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS We haven't got one.

But I'm not going to give it to you. You wouldn't appreciate it.

I'm going to keep it because I haven't got one.

Right. And now, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, never mind.

You haven't won the luxury yacht,

but you can have a go in lucky dip 66.

All right? Lucky dip 66.

Right, I'll give you £60,000. BOTH: We'll take it, we'll take it!

All right, £30,000? BOTH: Yes, yes, yes!

All right! My last offer, one and four pence. Yes!

All right, you've turned it down, open 66.

Open lucky dip 66.

Right, open lucky dip 66. ROARING

Good! ROARING

Well, that's the end of another session of homely fun.

Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen.

You've been a wonderful audience. Bye!

AUDIENCE: Heil! Sieg heil!

HAMMOND ORGAN PLAYS

GLASS SHATTERS

Um... Mr Briddock?

I-I'm sorry about the door. Ah!

CUPS CLATTER

PILLAR THUDS

And the cups.

Uh, not at all. Sit down. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Uh, Mr, er...?

Oh. Mr...?

Waring. Waring. Got it.

I'm sorry about the chair. Oh, it's all right.

Now, you've come to see me about insuring your life?

That's right, yes. Good. Well, that's easy enough.

All I've got to know is whether you're a good life risk.

Or whether you're what is known as...

..accident prone.

Yes. I'm sorry about the other chair.

Oh, not at all. Not to matter.

You see, there's a lot of money at stake here,

so we do have to be careful.

HE GASPS, THEN SIGHS IN RELIEF

Lucky. To make sure...

we have to know how long our client is likely to live.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, I...

I'm so sorry, but I appear to have stabbed myself with a paper knife.

Oh, no. No, it's all right. It's just been caught in the jacket.

Oh, good. Oh, fine. How lucky.

Thank you very much.

All right, Waring, I'll teach you to play around with my wife!

GUNSHOTS, WARING GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS

Are you... Are you all right, Mr Waring?

Yes, fine, thank you, yes. Oh, good.

I usually do that and he lays off for a couple of days.

Does he often do that? Oh, yes, frequently.

Sometimes I think I must be terribly lucky.

HE GRUNTS

Ah, hello, Miss Gomme.

Um, would you remind me, please, quickly,

is this office on the ground floor?

Yes, sir. Oh, good.

Fine, you can go home now, Miss Gomme. Thank you, sir.

It's raining again. Oh.

Well, Mr Waring, I think we can waive the formalities -

the medicals, family history, and so on.

Oh, good. Thank you very much. Yes, fine.

There's just a question...

Sorry about the table. Oh, don't worry.

No, there's just a question of how much you'll have to pay each year.

Oh, yes. How much is that?

And I was thinking of a premium of £1,500.

Oh, that's fine. Is it?

So, if you'd just sign here. Certainly.

HE YELPS

Very good, thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Right, that covers me against almost anything, does it?

Oh, yes. Absolutely everything, except of course, acts of God.

And also... uh...

death by flood, fire, earthquakes, uh, nuclear war...

ARROW WHIZZES, DRUMMING PLAYS

..and, uh... Red Indians.

FANFARE PLAYS, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

NARRATOR: And now, here is an announcement in the public interest.

DRUM ROLL

Good evening.

What I have to say concerns all dog owners.

Please remember that a high-pitched whistle

whilst inaudible to the human ear can be very irritating to your dog.

Another good way to irritate him is to drop him in a bowl of treacle.

GLASS SMASHING

'Allo.

'Allo!

'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!

'ALLO!

'Allo. What's going on 'ere, then? We're robbing the shop.

I see.

Do you have the owner's permission? No.

Oh!

Do you realise you're committing a criminal offence?

Course. Right!

No, no, no, wait a minute.

"'Allo, what's going on here, then?" "We're robbing the shop."

"Do you have the owner's permission?" "No."

Do you realise you're committing a criminal offence?

Yes! Well, don't let it happen again.

'Allo, still at it, I see. Yeah.

Burglars, aren't you? Yeah, that's right, yeah.

I thought as much.

What have you got in that sack, then?

Jewels, look.

Burglars? Jewels?

There's something fishy going on 'ere.

Right! I must ask you to accompany me to the station.

No. Right!

Right! In that case, I must ask you to remain 'ere!

Right. Leave this to me.

'Allo, what's going on here, then? We're robbing the shop.

Do you have the owner's permission? Ask him, we're busy.

Do they have the owner's permission? No.

Are they aware that they are committing a criminal offence? Yes.

Have you asked them to accompany you to the police station? Yes.

Right, we're covered, then. Good night.

Plan 53. Right.

Surround them!

Move in!

'Allo, they give us the slip. So they done.

Never mind, Hawkins, they won't get away with it.

No, traffic wardens will get them.

APPLAUSE

What a noisy show.

Now for a moment of tranquillity.

When, ladies and gentlemen,

for the first time ever on television,

I'm going to perform Hamlet's immortal soliloquy

whilst executing a tap dance.

One, two, three, four.

To be or not to be That is the question

Whether tis nobler in the mind

To suffer the slings and arrows Of outrageous fortune.

Oh, bodey, oh, doh!

Or by opposing, end them.

Kerchung, kerching, kerchung, kerching, kerching, ching, ching.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Next week, King Lear.

ORCHESTRA TUNES UP

CHATTERING

Excuse me, sir.

Do you want a dram, hen?

My name's Angus.

Oh. You know...

I like you. Oh, how nice.

Who are you for? England or Scotland? What?

Who are you supporting? I don't think I quite follow.

Excuse me! Who are you?

My name is Feldman. Oh, are you for England, then? Yes.

Look, you do realise this is ballet, do you?

What do you think we're here for, you tatty bogle? The ice cream?

THEY LAUGH

Come on, the Scottish National Ballet!

THEY SHOUT: Scottish National Ballet!

Scottish National Ballet!

Hooray! RATTLES CLICK

CROWD: Shh!

Who do you think you're doing that to?

Do you want your face smashed in?

Don't you wave your programme at me, missus.

I'll stuff it down your throat, you old bag!

Oh, we got a lot of geese here! Please be quiet.

You say that once more and you're deid!

Look at them. Our lot'll dance bloody rings round your lot.

You wait till you see Willy Fraser's entrechat.

Fan-bloody-tastic! Fantastic.

Fan-bloody-tastic, you watch.

BALLET MUSIC STARTS

Quiet, everyone! The music's starting.

Quiet! Quiet, everyone!

CROWD SHUSHES

Shut up. Shut your mooth.

Is this your lot? Yes, yes.

Terrible! Call that ballet?

THEY BOO

Our lot will tear your lot limb from limb!

Get off!

CHANTING: Off, off, off, off, off!

CROWD SHUSHES

Is that wee one Nureyev? Yes, yes.

You're terrible, Nureyev!

Call that leaping? It's not even a bloody hop!

Go boil your head, Nureyev!

Here they come. Come on, Scotland!

CHANTING: Scotland! Scotland!

Hooray! Hooray, come on, lads! Show 'em, lads!

Show 'em a real pas de bloody deux!

Look, look, look, everyone, look!

Willy Fraser's going to do his entrechat!

Look, everyone, look! Come on, Willy!

Come on, come on, come on! Come on!

Hooray!

Bloody great!

Bloody great! That's ballet!

That's ballet.

ALL SING: # Oh, they've all gone Quiet over there

# Oh, they've all gone quiet Over there. #

Will you shut up? You... You can keep quiet.

Otherwise you'll get a mouth full of heidies!

Come on, the English ballet! We are the champions!

ALL SING: # We are the champions

# We are the champions! #

England!

INDISTINCT CHEERING AND CHANTING

I hardly like to say this,

but it's the first time I've ever enjoyed ballet!

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

HURDY-GURDY WALTZ PLAYS

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