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FANFARE PLAYS
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MUSIC: 'Flight Of The Valkyries'
by Wagner
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NARRATOR: Once in every decade
comes a motion picture milestone.
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More spine-chilling
than The White Heather Club.
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More brutal than Sanctuary.
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More confusing than
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Christopher Mousejournal Meets
The Tweezer People.
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Co-starring, dusky tigress,
Marty Feldman
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as winsome child mobster,
Baby-face Lipsalve,
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and snake-hipped, stoat-groined,
Graham Chapman
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as rival gang boss,
Diamond Albert Nosefetish.
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They give a whole new meaning
to the word "yeurgh".
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Quit stalling, Diamond.
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When did Prussia first acquire
the hegemony
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of the North Germanic Confederation?
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1866.
DRAMATIC STING
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Correct! What is the angle
of the plane of movement
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of the two outer and brighter
of the four main satellites
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of Uranus with the elliptic?
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Eighty-two degrees.
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DRAMATIC STING
Correct!
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What is the square root of 7,974?
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89.3.
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DRAMATIC STING
Correct!
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All right, Diamond,
I don't wanna do this
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but I'm gonna kill ya.
Why?
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You know too much!
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MACHINE GUN BUZZES
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FANFARE PLAYS
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NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show!
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APPLAUSE
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Hello, I'm the lovely...
JOHN CLEESE: Get into the cake!
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Do what, darling?
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JOHN CLEESE: Get into the cake!
Oh...
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Hello, I'm the lovely Aimi... Oh!
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Oh, sorry, but I'm stuck!
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Anyway, I'm the lovely
Aimi MacDonald,
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and it's not my day, really.
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But I'd better introduce the show.
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Ladies and gentlemen, the show.
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Help!
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APPLAUSE
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Uh, those are fine.
How much are they?
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39 and 11, sir.
Oh, good. Well, I'll take one.
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Just one?
Yes.
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Oh, my God!
Does it have to be just one?
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Well, I only need one.
Right...
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Just the one shirt it is, then.
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Just the one... Oh, my God!
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HE SOBS
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Is anything the matter?
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Couldn't you buy more than
one shirt? Two shirts, please?
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Otherwise I'm finished.
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Finished?
Yes, finished!
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I don't sell enough shirts.
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Unless I do better,
I'm going to be fired.
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My wife's just left me,
and without her
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I've got nothing to live for.
And now I'm going to lose my job!
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Unless I sell more shirts!
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Please! Buy more shirts!
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My-My dear fellow... Um...
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I'm... I'm sorry.
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That was inexcusable.
I don't know what came over me.
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I'm all right now.
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Just the one shirt it is then, sir.
Yes.
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Oh, my God.
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No, no, no, no. I do need
more than one, really.
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That's very kind, but you just asked
for one shirt.
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Oh, no, no, but that's silly,
just popping in here
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to buy one silly little shirt,
no, no.
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No, I need half-a-dozen, really.
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Thank you,
but you're just trying to be kind.
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Good heavens, no. No, no.
I really need half-a-dozen.
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I couldn't ask you to.
Not after I broke down, just now.
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Oh...
Broke down?!
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Call that breaking down,
good heavens!
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You should see the way we carry on
at the bank.
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HE SCOFFS
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I mean, some people...
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well, average person wouldn't have
noticed you just now.
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It's just that I've trained myself
to be a little extra observant.
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Nobody's ever been this kind to me
before.
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Thank you!
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Is someone serving you, sir?
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Erm, yes... and splendidly, too.
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Young Fillet? Fair-haired boy,
this tall? Uh, yes.
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He didn't break down again, did he?
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No. No, no, no. Good heavens, no.
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00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,960
He seemed a teeny little bit upset.
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His wife left him.
Yes.
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You know?
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Yes.
I see.
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It's not often that people...
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understand.
Oh...
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It's not easy in this shop,
you know.
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The owner's a pretty hard man.
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I'm... sorry.
Thank you.
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00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:29,960
You know...
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..there's something unusual
about you.
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Oh, I...
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I only came in to buy a shirt.
Yes.
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But you understand.
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Are those the shirts
for this gentleman, Fillet?
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Yes, sir.
HE MOUTHS
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I think I know what I can do
to express my gratitude.
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00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,960
Rogers?
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00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,960
Yes, sir?
Rogers, get the silk shirts.
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Which ones, sir?
THE silk shirts.
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Not THE silk shirts, sir?
Yes.
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00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,640
But, sir...
You heard what I said, Rogers.
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But they're the Duke of Walton's,
sir! I know that. Get them!
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But he's coming to get them
this afternoon, sir.
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Get them!
But what will we tell His Grace?
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We'll just have to say
they're not ready yet.
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You bloody fool,
you'll get us all the sack!
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Get them!
Yes! Get them, Rogers,
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I've had enough of this place!
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Good man, Fillet.
I'm not taking any more of it!
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Neither am I! I just wanna help
this gentleman,
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and then I'm going to walk out
of this hell hole
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with my head held high.
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Yes, sir. Yes, yes, yes!
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Put them here, Rogers.
You can't do this, Fenton.
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Can't I? And who's going to stop me?
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I am.
You are?
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Yes, Fenton, you're mad.
You can't let him have these!
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Give those shirts to me!
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No!
Right!
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I'm coming to get them.
No, please, please!
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00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,960
This is a good man, Rogers,
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00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,960
and I'm going to help him if it's
the one decent thing I've ever done.
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It's not too late to start
a new life.
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These are your shirts, sir.
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Please.
They're very nice, but...
135
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,800
Don't thank me.
Today, you taught me something.
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00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,800
Uh... how...
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00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,960
how much are they?
How much?
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00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,960
HE LAUGHS
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00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:10,960
Ten... No, five pounds each.
140
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,960
What does it matter, now?
ROGERS: Five pounds?
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00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,960
You can't let him have those shirts
for five pounds!
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They're 30 guinea shirts!
Shut up!
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You'll have us all put in prison!
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I don't care!
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There you are, take them.
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00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,960
And you know something? I'm glad.
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00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,480
Glad, do you hear me? Glad!
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00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,960
Yes, but, but, but £30...
Please...
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00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,960
accept them.
Yes... please.
150
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:41,960
Money, oh...
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Goodbye.
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00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,960
And thanks.
Yes. Thanks.
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00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:52,960
Thank you...
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00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,960
for the shirts.
Thank you...
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for everything.
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00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,160
DOOR CLOSES
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ALL SING: # We sold the shirts!
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00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,960
# We sold the shirts!
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00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,160
# We sold the shirts! #
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00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,960
Some people have complained
that this show is not satirical.
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So the lovely Aimi MacDonald
is going to be hard-hitting
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and outspoken and prick the sacred
cows of British pomposity.
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Here goes. Ahem.
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00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,960
Mr Heath's got a glass leg.
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00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:36,960
SHE GIGGLES
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Next week, Mr Wilson's legs.
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00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,800
NARRATOR: Now it's time for
Britain's new number one quiz show,
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00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,960
Have A Double Your Golden Jackpot,
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00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,000
and here's your genial
master of ceremonies,
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Nosmo Claphanger!
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00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,960
APPLAUSE
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00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,960
Hello. Well, we're all set
for another half-hour of fun
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00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,160
and embarrassment.
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00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:14,320
And tonight, we're in the town hall
of the famous old city of Gooley
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00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,960
before our usual audience.
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00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,960
It's a pity we can't get
the cameras on them,
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so that all of you at home
could have a good laugh.
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00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,480
Who's an ugly audience?
AUDIENCE: We are!
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00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,960
Right, well, let's have the first
greedy old couple
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00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:25,960
who think they can outsmart me.
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00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,960
NARRATOR: And the first greedy
old couple are Mr and Mrs Staybaker
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00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,960
of Paddington New Town,
Gloucestershire.
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00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,960
Well, I can't say how delighted I am
to have you on the show
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00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,960
because I'm not.
Uh, Staybaker, isn't it?
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00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960
That's a stupid name, isn't it?
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00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,960
Now, come on. Get on these marks.
Stop it! Stop it!
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Get on these marks.
That's right, that's right, there.
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00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:44,960
Good, where I don't have to look
at you.
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00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,960
Now, how long have you been married?
Forty years.
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00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,960
Forty years.
Forty years to that old bag? My God!
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You're ugly, woman!
Ugly, ugly, ugly!
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Still, I suppose he got
what he deserved, yeurgh!
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00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
Come on, audience, have a laugh
and make them feel rejected.
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00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,160
Come on!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
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00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,960
Right!
Right, now, you. How old are you?
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00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,960
Seventy-three, Nosmo.
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00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,480
Seventy-three? Seventy-three?
Well, isn't that fantas...
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00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,000
Call me sir!
Sir!
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00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,960
Seventy-three, good, good.
Well, isn't that fantastic?
200
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,160
No, it isn't. There's not a person
here who looks a day under 95.
201
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,960
And now tell me, sir,
do you have any...
202
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,160
Do you have a word of advice
for the young people of today?
203
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,960
Well, I think the...
Who cares what you think?
204
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,960
You boring turnip-faced old fool!
205
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:22,960
Who cares what you think, huh?
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00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,160
I'm only asking these questions
to fill in the time.
207
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,960
Now, tell me, have you ever had
an embarrassing moment?
208
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960
Uh, not till now.
209
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,960
Ha-ha-ha-ha. Don't be clever!
Don't get clever with me!
210
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,960
We have ways of dealing with you
afterwards! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
211
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,960
Now, you're not nervous, are you?
BOTH: Yes.
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00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,960
You are? Oh, good.
We'll soon have you panic-stricken.
213
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,480
Ever feel the mind go blank, hm?
214
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,960
Now, what subject do you want
to answer questions on?
215
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:45,960
Dressmaking.
Dressmaking.
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00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,960
Right, start the clock.
Dressmaking, right.
217
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,960
If 13 men take ten days to dig
a ditch 37 by 45.5-feet wide,
218
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:55,960
how long would it take for 37 men
to dig a ditch half the size?
219
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,960
Come on, come on!
Do you understand the question?
220
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,960
Uh, could you repeat it?
Repeat it.
221
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,960
Good God! They're deaf as well.
Come on, come on! Come on!
222
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,960
All right. What I asked was,
who was the substitute right back
223
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,960
at the Serbo-Croatian football 11
in the 1913 Olympics?
224
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:09,960
Come on! Come on!
225
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,960
Even I know that! Come on!
226
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,480
Oh, my goodness me!
227
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,480
Say "Jovanovic".
Jovanovic!
228
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,960
What, what, what?
Jovanovic, Jovanovic!
229
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,800
Jovanovic!
Wrong!
230
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,960
HE LAUGHS CRAZILY
231
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,320
Uh, never mind!
Oh, I'm on form tonight!
232
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:26,000
Never mind, all right,
I'll give it to you.
233
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,960
Which number prize do you want?
234
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,480
We'd like to have prize number...
235
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:30,960
Come on! Come on!
Make up your minds!
236
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,640
Make up your mind
or I'll set the crossbow on you!
237
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,000
Come on, come on, which number?
Number six!
238
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,960
Number six, right. Right, all right,
you want number six.
239
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,960
Are you sure you want number six?
Well, I'm not sure.
240
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,480
Well, why d'you say so, then?
Get the bolt ready, Heinz.
241
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,000
Oh, it doesn't matter,
doesn't matter...
242
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,640
All right, I'll give you £5
for number six.
243
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:48,960
Five lovely pounds!
We'll take it.
244
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,960
More money than you've seen in
your miserable lives.
245
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,960
Yes, we want it! Oh, look
at him drool, look at him slather!
246
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,960
Oh, the avarice of it all.
247
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,960
All right, you've turned down £5.
No, we haven't.
248
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,960
I'll double your money
and give you £10.
249
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,960
COUPLE CLAMOUR
All right, all right.
250
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,960
Fifty pounds! Right!
BOTH: Yes.
251
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,960
A thousand pounds.
Yes!
252
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,960
All right, £20,000.
BOTH: Yes, yes!
253
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:13,640
Twenty thousand beautiful,
crisp green crinkly smackers.
254
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:14,960
Well, what shall I do, audience?
255
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,960
AUDIENCE: Give 'em the money!
Shut up!
256
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,960
What do you know?
Right, you're getting number six.
257
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,800
Yeah, but they said... Who cares
what they said? Number six it is.
258
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,960
Right, now, you remember the...
You've turned down £20,000.
259
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,000
No, we didn't!
You remember the prizes. Right!
260
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,160
There's the deluxe trip
round the world for two.
261
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,960
The twin screw luxury motor yacht,
and this week's booby prize -
262
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,960
a half-eaten ham sandwich.
263
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,960
Laugh, audience!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
264
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,960
Right, now which one do you want?
Come on! Come on! Come on!
265
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,960
We'd like to have
the half-eaten ham sandwich.
266
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,960
See, we haven't eaten since the man
brought us here
267
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,960
and locked us up in the...
Yes, well, we don't want to hear
268
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,640
this maudlin nonsense. Right!
269
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,960
Right, well, bad news, I'm afraid.
Number six isn't the ham sandwich...
270
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,960
AUDIENCE: Ah!
271
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,960
..it is in fact, the luxury yacht.
272
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,960
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
We haven't got one.
273
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,320
But I'm not going to give it to you.
You wouldn't appreciate it.
274
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,960
I'm going to keep it
because I haven't got one.
275
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,960
Right. And now, it doesn't matter,
it doesn't matter, never mind.
276
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,640
You haven't won the luxury yacht,
277
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,960
but you can have a go
in lucky dip 66.
278
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,000
All right? Lucky dip 66.
279
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,960
Right, I'll give you £60,000.
BOTH: We'll take it, we'll take it!
280
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,960
All right, £30,000?
BOTH: Yes, yes, yes!
281
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,960
All right! My last offer,
one and four pence. Yes!
282
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,960
All right, you've turned it down,
open 66.
283
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,480
Open lucky dip 66.
284
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:27,960
Right, open lucky dip 66.
ROARING
285
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,960
Good!
ROARING
286
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,960
Well, that's the end
of another session of homely fun.
287
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,960
Thank you very much indeed,
ladies and gentlemen.
288
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,960
You've been a wonderful audience.
Bye!
289
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:46,640
AUDIENCE: Heil! Sieg heil!
290
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,800
HAMMOND ORGAN PLAYS
291
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,960
GLASS SHATTERS
292
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,800
Um... Mr Briddock?
293
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,480
I-I'm sorry about the door. Ah!
294
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,000
CUPS CLATTER
295
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,960
PILLAR THUDS
296
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,960
And the cups.
297
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,960
Uh, not at all. Sit down.
Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
298
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:17,960
Uh, Mr, er...?
299
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:21,960
Oh. Mr...?
300
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,960
Waring.
Waring. Got it.
301
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,960
I'm sorry about the chair.
Oh, it's all right.
302
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,960
Now, you've come to see me
about insuring your life?
303
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,960
That's right, yes.
Good. Well, that's easy enough.
304
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,960
All I've got to know is
whether you're a good life risk.
305
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,800
Or whether
you're what is known as...
306
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,480
..accident prone.
307
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,160
Yes.
I'm sorry about the other chair.
308
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,960
Oh, not at all. Not to matter.
309
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,960
You see, there's a lot of money
at stake here,
310
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,480
so we do have to be careful.
311
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,960
HE GASPS,
THEN SIGHS IN RELIEF
312
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,960
Lucky.
To make sure...
313
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,960
we have to know how long
our client is likely to live.
314
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:56,960
Oh, dear.
315
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,960
Oh, dear, I...
316
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,960
I'm so sorry, but I appear to have
stabbed myself with a paper knife.
317
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,960
Oh, no. No, it's all right.
It's just been caught in the jacket.
318
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,960
Oh, good. Oh, fine. How lucky.
319
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:14,960
Thank you very much.
320
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,960
All right, Waring, I'll teach you
to play around with my wife!
321
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,960
GUNSHOTS,
WARING GRUNTS
322
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:27,960
HE GRUNTS
323
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,000
Are you... Are you all right,
Mr Waring?
324
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,960
Yes, fine, thank you, yes.
Oh, good.
325
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,960
I usually do that and he lays off
for a couple of days.
326
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,640
Does he often do that?
Oh, yes, frequently.
327
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,960
Sometimes I think
I must be terribly lucky.
328
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:39,960
HE GRUNTS
329
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,960
Ah, hello, Miss Gomme.
330
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,960
Um, would you remind me, please,
quickly,
331
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,960
is this office on the ground floor?
332
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,640
Yes, sir.
Oh, good.
333
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,960
Fine, you can go home now,
Miss Gomme. Thank you, sir.
334
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,960
It's raining again.
Oh.
335
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Well, Mr Waring, I think we can
waive the formalities -
336
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,960
the medicals, family history,
and so on.
337
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,960
Oh, good. Thank you very much.
Yes, fine.
338
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,160
There's just a question...
339
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,960
Sorry about the table.
Oh, don't worry.
340
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,960
No, there's just a question of how
much you'll have to pay each year.
341
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,320
Oh, yes. How much is that?
342
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,160
And I was thinking of a premium
of £1,500.
343
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,960
Oh, that's fine.
Is it?
344
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,640
So, if you'd just sign here.
Certainly.
345
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:28,960
HE YELPS
346
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,960
Very good, thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
347
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,160
Right, that covers me against
almost anything, does it?
348
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,960
Oh, yes. Absolutely everything,
except of course, acts of God.
349
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,960
And also... uh...
350
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,960
death by flood, fire, earthquakes,
uh, nuclear war...
351
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,960
ARROW WHIZZES,
DRUMMING PLAYS
352
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,960
..and, uh... Red Indians.
353
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,960
FANFARE PLAYS,
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
354
00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:00,160
NARRATOR: And now, here is an
announcement in the public interest.
355
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,000
DRUM ROLL
356
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,480
Good evening.
357
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,960
What I have to say
concerns all dog owners.
358
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,960
Please remember that
a high-pitched whistle
359
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:14,960
whilst inaudible to the human ear
can be very irritating to your dog.
360
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,160
Another good way to irritate him
is to drop him in a bowl of treacle.
361
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,160
GLASS SMASHING
362
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:37,960
'Allo.
363
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:41,960
'Allo!
364
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,800
'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!
365
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:54,960
'ALLO!
366
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,640
'Allo. What's going on 'ere, then?
We're robbing the shop.
367
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,960
I see.
368
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,960
Do you have the owner's permission?
No.
369
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,160
Oh!
370
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,000
Do you realise you're committing
a criminal offence?
371
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,960
Course.
Right!
372
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,960
No, no, no, wait a minute.
373
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,960
"'Allo, what's going on here, then?"
"We're robbing the shop."
374
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,640
"Do you have
the owner's permission?" "No."
375
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,960
Do you realise you're committing
a criminal offence?
376
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,960
Yes!
Well, don't let it happen again.
377
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,160
'Allo, still at it, I see.
Yeah.
378
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,960
Burglars, aren't you?
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
379
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,960
I thought as much.
380
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:00,960
What have you got in that sack,
then?
381
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,960
Jewels, look.
382
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,960
Burglars? Jewels?
383
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,960
There's something fishy
going on 'ere.
384
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,960
Right! I must ask you
to accompany me to the station.
385
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,960
No.
Right!
386
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:20,960
Right! In that case,
I must ask you to remain 'ere!
387
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,960
Right. Leave this to me.
388
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,960
'Allo, what's going on here, then?
We're robbing the shop.
389
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,000
Do you have the owner's permission?
Ask him, we're busy.
390
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,640
Do they have the owner's permission?
No.
391
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:51,960
Are they aware that they are
committing a criminal offence? Yes.
392
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,000
Have you asked them to accompany you
to the police station? Yes.
393
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,960
Right, we're covered, then.
Good night.
394
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,960
Plan 53.
Right.
395
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,960
Surround them!
396
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Move in!
397
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,320
'Allo, they give us the slip.
So they done.
398
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,960
Never mind, Hawkins,
they won't get away with it.
399
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,960
No, traffic wardens will get them.
400
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,000
APPLAUSE
401
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,960
What a noisy show.
402
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960
Now for a moment of tranquillity.
403
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,640
When, ladies and gentlemen,
404
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,960
for the first time ever
on television,
405
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,960
I'm going to perform
Hamlet's immortal soliloquy
406
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,960
whilst executing a tap dance.
407
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,960
One, two, three, four.
408
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,960
To be or not to be
That is the question
409
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,960
Whether tis nobler in the mind
410
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:57,960
To suffer the slings and arrows
Of outrageous fortune.
411
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,960
Oh, bodey, oh, doh!
412
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,960
Or by opposing, end them.
413
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,160
Kerchung, kerching, kerchung,
kerching, kerching, ching, ching.
414
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,320
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
415
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,160
Next week, King Lear.
416
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,960
ORCHESTRA TUNES UP
417
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,960
CHATTERING
418
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,960
Excuse me, sir.
419
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,960
Do you want a dram, hen?
420
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,960
My name's Angus.
421
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,960
Oh.
You know...
422
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,960
I like you.
Oh, how nice.
423
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,960
Who are you for?
England or Scotland? What?
424
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,960
Who are you supporting?
I don't think I quite follow.
425
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,480
Excuse me!
Who are you?
426
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,960
My name is Feldman.
Oh, are you for England, then? Yes.
427
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,960
Look, you do realise
this is ballet, do you?
428
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,960
What do you think we're here for,
you tatty bogle? The ice cream?
429
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:22,960
THEY LAUGH
430
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,480
Come on,
the Scottish National Ballet!
431
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,160
THEY SHOUT:
Scottish National Ballet!
432
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,640
Scottish National Ballet!
433
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,960
Hooray!
RATTLES CLICK
434
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,960
CROWD: Shh!
435
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,960
Who do you think
you're doing that to?
436
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,960
Do you want your face smashed in?
437
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,960
Don't you wave your programme at me,
missus.
438
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,480
I'll stuff it down your throat,
you old bag!
439
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,960
Oh, we got a lot of geese here!
Please be quiet.
440
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,960
You say that once more
and you're deid!
441
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:52,320
Look at them. Our lot'll dance
bloody rings round your lot.
442
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:55,960
You wait till you see
Willy Fraser's entrechat.
443
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,960
Fan-bloody-tastic!
Fantastic.
444
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,960
Fan-bloody-tastic, you watch.
445
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,960
BALLET MUSIC STARTS
446
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,960
Quiet, everyone!
The music's starting.
447
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,960
Quiet! Quiet, everyone!
448
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,960
CROWD SHUSHES
449
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,960
Shut up. Shut your mooth.
450
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,160
Is this your lot?
Yes, yes.
451
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,960
Terrible! Call that ballet?
452
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,480
THEY BOO
453
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,800
Our lot will tear your lot
limb from limb!
454
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:29,960
Get off!
455
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,960
CHANTING: Off, off, off, off, off!
456
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,960
CROWD SHUSHES
457
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,960
Is that wee one Nureyev?
Yes, yes.
458
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,960
You're terrible, Nureyev!
459
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:42,960
Call that leaping?
It's not even a bloody hop!
460
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,960
Go boil your head, Nureyev!
461
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,480
Here they come. Come on, Scotland!
462
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:53,960
CHANTING: Scotland! Scotland!
463
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,960
Hooray! Hooray, come on, lads!
Show 'em, lads!
464
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,800
Show 'em a real pas de bloody deux!
465
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:00,960
Look, look, look, everyone, look!
466
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,960
Willy Fraser's going to do
his entrechat!
467
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,960
Look, everyone, look!
Come on, Willy!
468
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,960
Come on, come on, come on!
Come on!
469
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,960
Hooray!
470
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,800
Bloody great!
471
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,960
Bloody great!
That's ballet!
472
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,320
That's ballet.
473
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:19,160
ALL SING: # Oh, they've all gone
Quiet over there
474
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:22,960
# Oh, they've all gone quiet
Over there. #
475
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,960
Will you shut up?
You... You can keep quiet.
476
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,480
Otherwise you'll get
a mouth full of heidies!
477
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,960
Come on, the English ballet!
We are the champions!
478
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,960
ALL SING: # We are the champions
479
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,960
# We are the champions! #
480
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,960
England!
481
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,960
INDISTINCT CHEERING
AND CHANTING
482
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,960
I hardly like to say this,
483
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,960
but it's the first time
I've ever enjoyed ballet!
484
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:58,960
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
485
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:03,960
HURDY-GURDY WALTZ PLAYS
486
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,160
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36646
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