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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:05,320 FANFARE 2 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:13,960 NARRATOR: 'At last, the big screen comes of age 3 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,960 'with a story they said could never be told. 4 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:21,320 'Never before such scenes of torrid passion, 5 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:24,640 'never before such a galaxy of stars. 6 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,160 'Provocative John Cleese 7 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:30,960 'as the mysterious quadruple agent Clint Dogposture, 8 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,640 'master of disguise. 9 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:34,960 'Wherever it was hottest, he was there.' 10 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:40,160 I feel I owe you some sort of explanation. 11 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,960 'Sultry Graham Chapman 12 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:47,960 'as the slightly dedicated young intern Dr Dan Tendril.' 13 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,960 What is it, Doctor? BEETHOVEN PLAYS 14 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,960 I'm not sure, but I think it's Beethoven's Fifth. 15 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,960 'Featuring rugged, husky Marty Feldman 16 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:59,960 'as iron-fisted rancher Rock Thunderclap. 17 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:00,960 'Who is this man? 18 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,960 'Women throw themselves at him, 19 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:03,960 'women worship him, 20 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,960 'drawn by the strange animal power they can sense in him. 21 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,960 'He is brutal, he is ruthless, 22 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,960 'and he is all man.' 23 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,960 Yes, but I'm not a fanatic about it. 24 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,960 'And introducing your hostesses for tonight, 25 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:24,960 'Aimi MacDonald and Mary Maude.' 26 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:28,160 STUDIO APPLAUSE 27 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:30,960 Hello again. I'm Aimi MacDonald. 28 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,640 And I'm Mary Maude. 29 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,960 For the next half hour, we shall be wafting you around the world 30 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,960 on the magic carpet of song. 31 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,960 And as we wing our way from foggy London town, 32 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:44,960 where better for our first port of call than foggy Spain? 33 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,960 Sunny Spain. Yes. 34 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,800 NASAL VOICE: Excuse me. 35 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,960 Haven't I seen you somewhere before? 36 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,000 SAME VOICE: Goodness me, weren't you on the plane on the way over? 37 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,960 Thought I recognised you. I don't forget a face. 38 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:06,960 Nor do I. 39 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,160 May I, er...? Enchante. 40 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,960 Here on holiday, are you? Yes, yes. 41 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960 And you? Oh, yes. Oh. 42 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:17,960 Well, there's a turn up. 43 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,960 I was wondering, do you have the right time? 44 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,960 I'm afraid I don't. I was about to ask you the same thing. Oh. 45 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,960 Er... ahem. 46 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,960 Er, por favor, senor. Senor. 47 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,320 Er, senor, por favor, gracias. 48 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:32,480 Ahem. 49 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,800 SAME VOICE: Pardon me. Are you gentlemen addressing me? 50 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,960 Oh, goodness me, weren't you two on the plane on the way over? 51 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,960 That's right. Fancy you remembering that. 52 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,320 Never forget a place. Well, there's a turn up. 53 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,960 ALL: Well, well, well, well, well. 54 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:47,960 SAME VOICE: Oh, do you mind if I join you? 55 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,960 No. Er, take a pew. 56 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,800 Always room for a little'un. 57 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,000 Oh, weren't you gentlemen on the plane on the way over? 58 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,960 That's right, thought I recognised you. 59 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,960 Here on holiday, are you? 60 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,960 Oh, yes. And you? Oh, yes, yes. 61 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,960 Well, there's a coincidence. 62 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,960 Ah, the vino. Gracias. 63 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,960 Would you gentlemen are to join me? 64 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,960 ALL THREE: Oh, won't say no. 65 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,960 ALL: Sante. 66 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,960 And, er, which part of the world do you hail from, then? 67 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,960 Oh, I'm from Bristol. 68 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,320 Yes, I thought you were. 69 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,960 I can always place a man by his accent. 70 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:25,960 I'm from Wimbledon. 71 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,800 Yes. What about you? Where are you from, then? 72 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:29,960 I'm from Edinburgh. 73 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,160 Edinburgh? Yes. 74 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,960 Funny - you don't sound like a Scottie. 75 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,480 No. Well, I spent most of my life in Cardiff. 76 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,000 Oh, that explains it. 77 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,960 Yes, that would explain it. Say "A". 78 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:40,960 SAME ACCENT: A. Yes. 79 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,800 Whereas we Londoners would pronounce it quite differently. 80 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:44,960 We'd say "A". SAME ACCENT: A. 81 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,640 A. Yeah. 82 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,800 How would you say it in, er... Manchester. ..Manchester? 83 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,960 Er, we'd say "A". Oh. 84 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,800 Well, there you are, then, yeah. 85 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,160 Well, that very interesting. 86 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,960 Who said that? It wasn't me. 87 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:58,960 No? 88 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,960 It must have been me, then. Thought I recognised the voice. 89 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,960 Well, we haven't introduced each other formally. 90 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,960 My name's Sydney Lotterby. 91 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,960 Oh, there's a turn up. My name's Sydney Lotterby. 92 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,960 So's mine. And mine. 93 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,960 Well, isn't it a coincidence, all being called Sydney Lotterby? 94 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,960 Who said that? It must have been me again. 95 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,960 No, it was me. No, no, it was me. 96 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:21,960 I felt my lips move. 97 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,320 Ah. 98 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,960 Well, what's your line of business, Mr Lotterby? 99 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,960 ALL: Wholesale greengrocery. 100 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,960 Really? All three of you? 101 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,960 Well, isn't that a coincidence? I'm a barrister. 102 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,960 Oh. I mean, you don't sound like a barrister. 103 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,960 Well, I used to be a wholesale greengrocer. 104 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,960 You don't sound like a wholesale greengrocer. 105 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,480 I'd have put you down as a barrister. 106 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,960 Oh, fancy that. 107 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,960 Three wholesale greengrocers and a barrister 108 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,960 all called Sydney Lotterby. 109 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,000 Well, it takes all sorts to make a world. 110 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,960 That's what I always say. I always say that. 111 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,960 So do I. Me, too, yes. 112 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,960 ALL: It takes all sorts to make a world. 113 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,960 Forgive me saying this, but I was admiring your shirt. 114 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:02,960 Oh, thank you very much. 115 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,960 I was, in fact, casting a few envious glances at your apparel. 116 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:07,960 So was I. Me, too. 117 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,960 It's not everybody's taste, but I like something a bit different. 118 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,160 Be a sad old world if we all liked the same thing. 119 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,960 Well, Mr Lotterby... ALL THREE: Call me Sydney. 120 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,800 Well, Sydney, I must be toddling. 121 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,160 Time and tide wait for no man. 122 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,960 Just... Just waiting for the little lady to come down. 123 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,960 Yes, so am I. Oh. 124 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,960 Come on, Sydney, we'll be late. 125 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:27,960 ALL: Coming, dear. 126 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,960 Well, there's a coincidence. 127 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,960 STUDIO APPLAUSE 128 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:51,320 HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS 129 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,800 He seems terribly depressed, Doctor. He won't eat anything, 130 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,960 and he absolutely refuses to let me take his temperature. 131 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,960 Does anyone come to see him? No, that's just the trouble. 132 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,960 Oh, well, in that case, we'd better put him on to 133 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,960 the Automatic Hospital Visitor Lonely Patients For The Use Of. 134 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,960 You know how to operate it? Yes, Doctor. Fine. 135 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,960 RATCHETING 136 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,960 RATCHETING 137 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,960 No need to show me the way, thank you, Nurse. 138 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960 I'll find him myself. 139 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,960 Ah, there you are, you old fraud, 140 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,960 large as life and twice as handsome. 141 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:35,960 Hello, hello. 142 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,960 Long time, no see. 143 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,960 Where shall I put these? Oh, wait a minute. 144 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,960 How are you feeling? 145 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,480 Very much worse, actually. 146 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,000 Yes, you're looking better, old chap. 147 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,160 CLICKS HIS TONGUE Old chap. Old chap. 148 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:54,960 I always said that all you needed was a good, long rest. 149 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,800 Look. I've brought you some grapes. 150 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,320 Oh, no! 151 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:03,960 I've got 18 bunches in here! Nice, big, juicy ones. 152 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,960 No need to thank me. 153 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,960 No, I won't sit down, thank you. 154 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,960 I was wondering if you would like me to bring you ins... 155 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,960 No, no, please, you go on. 156 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,320 Mine wasn't at all interesting, really. 157 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,160 I wasn't saying anything. 158 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,640 How very interesting. 159 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:28,960 I wasn't telling you anything! 160 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,960 No, no, really, I'm not at all bored. 161 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:33,960 In fact, I'm enjoying our little chat 162 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,960 very, very much indeed. 163 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,960 Do you want the bedpan? No. 164 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960 What are the nurses like, then? 165 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,960 Eh? Eh? Eh? 166 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,960 I wouldn't know. I haven't noticed them. 167 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,000 Ha, ha, ha. There can't be much wrong with you, then. 168 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,000 Oh, dear, there goes the bell. No, it wasn't. 169 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,960 Are you sure you don't want the bedpan? I'm positive! 170 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,320 I'm sorry. I didn't realise I was tiring you. 171 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,960 I have enjoyed our little chat. Nobody else is leaving. 172 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:01,960 Yes, I know. I'm always the last. 173 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,960 I won't be popular with Sister, will I? 174 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:04,960 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 175 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,960 I'll come again and see you soon. 176 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,960 Grapes. Is your nurse pan feeling better? 177 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,960 Grapes. Nurses, nurses. Nice, big, juicy ones. 178 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,320 Grapes. Goodbye. 179 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,960 Good... Good... Good... Buh... 180 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,640 Oh, that's done me a lot of good (!) 181 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,960 STUDIO APPLAUSE 182 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,960 And now, opera. 183 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,960 It is the night before the election of the doge of Venice. 184 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,960 Stefano, clockmaker to Rufus the Great, 185 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,960 suspects his half-sister Amelia of taking part in the vendetta. 186 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,960 Between Ameliga da Costa, young Spanish corsair, 187 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,960 and Angus McTavish, at that time a Scotsman. 188 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,960 Geronimo, unbeknown to her, snatches the magic amulet. 189 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,960 Bianca enters. 190 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,480 They all take poison and die. 191 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:50,960 THEY GASP 192 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:51,960 The end. 193 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,960 STUDIO APPLAUSE 194 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,960 And now... 195 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,960 Good evening. 196 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,960 This evening, I'm making an appeal to you 197 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:13,960 on behalf of a large group of people, of which I'm a member, 198 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,960 whose active lives have been severely restricted 199 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,960 by a disease brought on by the social pressures 200 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,960 and the stresses of modern living, 201 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,960 which we call sleep starvation. 202 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,960 Now, we... 203 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,960 HE SNORES 204 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,320 Good evening. 205 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,960 This evening, I'm making an appeal on be... 206 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,160 HE SNORES 207 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,000 Which we call sleep starvation. 208 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,320 YAWNING: Now, medical research is expensive, 209 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,960 but it is vitally important 210 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,960 that something is done to find a cure 211 00:09:55,960 --> 00:10:00,960 for this socially... disabling... affliction. 212 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,320 RATTLE RATCHETS 213 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:11,160 That is why I'm asking you to give, and give generously... 214 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,960 ..to this deserving cause. 215 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,960 Please send your contributions, however small... 216 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:22,960 ..to this address: 217 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,960 Thank you for listening. 218 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,800 Next week, I shall be making an appeal 219 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,320 on behalf of those unfortunate people 220 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,960 who suffer from the delusion of being attacked by bats. 221 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,160 Now, these pe... people 222 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,960 are more to be pitied than laughed at. 223 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,960 The problem is growing every day, 224 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,960 and it's time that something was done now 225 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,960 before it is too late. 226 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,640 Until next week, then, good night. 227 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,320 STUDIO APPLAUSE 228 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,960 Ooh, how spooky. I don't like bats. 229 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,320 I don't like bats. 230 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,960 I like bats. Shut up. 231 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,960 DRAMATIC STING 232 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,160 Oh! Eeh! 233 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,960 It's you! HE HOWLS 234 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,960 Good evening, Mr Ordish. 235 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,960 Welcome to Luxby. 236 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:01,960 Dr Atkins! 237 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,960 Professor Newberg! 238 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,960 Fu Tong! 239 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,640 McDonald! 240 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:11,960 The same. 241 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:12,960 So it was a trap? 242 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,960 Yes. Checkmate, Mr Ordish. 243 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,960 You have made your last move. 244 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:20,960 I wouldn't be too sure, McDonald. 245 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,960 I still have one or two tricks left up my sleeve. 246 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960 Kowalski, search his sleeves, 247 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,960 especially up them. 248 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:30,960 Nothing. Nothing? 249 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,960 I'll teach you to bluff me, Ordish. 250 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,960 All right, Kowalski, go to Moresby, fetch the car, and collect the girl. 251 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,960 Not Susan! 252 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,960 Yes, Mr Ordish. Your pretty little Miss Hinton. 253 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,960 You swine! 254 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,960 Argh! Argh! 255 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,960 Argh! Argh! Argh! 256 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,960 What is it, Kowalski? I can't drive. 257 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,320 You can't drive? 258 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,960 Fool! Dolt! Pig! 259 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,960 I'll teach you to drive! 260 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,480 Thank you, sir. 261 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,960 And so, I must take my leave of you. 262 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,000 I wouldn't bother to call for help, Mr Ordish. 263 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,320 No-one can hear you. They're all deaf! Do you hear me? 264 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,000 Deaf. Ha, ha, ha! 265 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,640 Ground floor, please. 266 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,000 Help! 267 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,960 Great Scott! 268 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,960 Ordish, thank God you're safe! 269 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,960 Yes, but Susan... 270 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,960 Susan? She's... safe. 271 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,480 Thank God. 272 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,160 Roger, darling. Susan. 273 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,960 Quick! We haven't a moment to lose! 274 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,960 Strauss is on his way to Melton. We must warn the professor! 275 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,960 ALL: McDonald! 276 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,960 Great Scott! Quick, the door! 277 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,960 Not so fast! 278 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,000 You won't get away with this, McDonald. 279 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,960 Oh, won't I? This is a gun. 280 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,480 You won't get away with this, McDonald. 281 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,960 And it's loaded! 282 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,640 I don't think you'll get away with this, McDonald. Shut up, fool! 283 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,960 You're all fools! Do you hear me? Fools! 284 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:17,960 What are you?! 285 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,960 ALL: Fools! Yes! 286 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,960 And now, you're going to die! 287 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,000 One moment, McDonald. 288 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,960 Just one thing. 289 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960 Why did Spengler go to Amsterdam? 290 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,960 All right. 291 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:30,960 Look out! 292 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:33,960 GUN HITS FLOOR 293 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,960 I'll get the police! You ARE the police. 294 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:38,960 I'll get more of them. 295 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:39,960 Speaking of going to Amsterdam, 296 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,960 tell Peterson to leave Hamilton's body in Keith's flat 297 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,960 so that Brody will think he was the Albanian minister. 298 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:46,960 Argh! I see. 299 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,960 So he was lying when he said he hadn't visited Oxford last Friday? 300 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:50,960 Yes! Oh! 301 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:54,960 But Herman told them that the Dutch police inspector suspended him 302 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,800 on several occasions for minor larceny, 303 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,800 and that he was going to reveal his identity. 304 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:01,960 Don't move! 305 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,960 Who are you? Bronski! 306 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,960 ALL: Who? Bronski. 307 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,160 ALL: Bronski? 308 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,960 But you're not with our lot. 309 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,960 Aren't I? Sorry. 310 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,960 Try the library. 311 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:13,960 Oh, thank you. Yes. 312 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,960 These cases or larceny have not yet been fully proved 313 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:18,960 by the Dutch police. 314 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,960 Library, please. I see. 315 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:21,960 Argh! 316 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,960 So he told Strauss to contact Brody? 317 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,960 Yes, but when Keith arrived by accident... Argh! 318 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,960 ..he was forced to... Argh! 319 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,960 ..and to find Kowalski... Argh! 320 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,800 ..to get him to tell Strauss... Argh! 321 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:32,960 ..to contact Professor Varling... Argh! 322 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,480 ..in Scotland... Argh! 323 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,960 ..before Inspector Bold could discover 324 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,960 where Hamilton had hidden the plastic stoat. 325 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:38,960 Great Scott! 326 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,000 And Strauss contacted the Japanese antique collector 327 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,960 at the Chinese laundry in Wimpole Street? Exactly! 328 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,960 So... Argh! ..they sent Professor Varley to Weymouth 329 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,960 before he could discover that the girl was on the plane. 330 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960 Take that! Argh! 331 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,160 Hands up! 332 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,960 Strauss! Strauss! 333 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,960 HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY 334 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,960 LAUGHTER CONTINUES 335 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,960 LAUGHTER CONTINUES 336 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,960 HE STOPS LAUGHING 337 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960 HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY 338 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,800 THEY ALL LAUGH 339 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,960 Shut up! 340 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:19,960 Look out! 341 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,960 All right, this is a gun! THEY GASP 342 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960 And it's loaded! THEY GASP 343 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,960 And it's a clear night. 344 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960 THEY GASP What's that got to do with it? 345 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,960 Shut up! All right, Kowalski, you can come out now. 346 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,960 Quiet! 347 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,960 Kowalski, the door! 348 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,320 AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE 349 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:42,960 Open it, you fool! 350 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,960 HE QUACKS 351 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,960 Your disguise doesn't fool me, Inspector! 352 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,960 You won't get away with this, McDonald. 353 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,960 Shut up, you fool! All of you, get against the wall. 354 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,960 You, too, Kowalski, against the wall. 355 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:03,960 You fools! 356 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:07,000 You're all fools, and now you're going to die. 357 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,960 This whole house is gonna be blown to smithereens 358 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,960 in 30 seconds from now. 359 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,800 And there's a 100ft drop from all the windows, 360 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:15,960 and the doors are locked, 361 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,960 and I've swallowed the key! 362 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,960 HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY 363 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960 STUDIO APPLAUSE 364 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:46,160 NARRATOR: 'And now, a song from Jack The Ripper.' 365 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,960 # Give me the moonlight 366 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,960 # Give me the girl 367 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,960 # And leave the rest, mua-ha-ha 368 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,320 # To me. # 369 00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:00,000 STUDIO APPLAUSE 370 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,960 ALL: And now... 371 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,960 Hello. Would you send me Constables Bude, 372 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,480 Hawkins and Staveacre, please? 373 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:20,960 Thank you. 374 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:22,960 Right, come in, lads. 375 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,960 STUDIO APPLAUSE 376 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,480 I'm sorry about this, lads, but to put it bluntly, 377 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,960 we're a little bit short of plainclothes policemen. 378 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,960 Not to say plainclothes policewomen. 379 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:42,960 Now, as you know, tonight, 380 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,960 we are going to raid the Pink Rhinoceros nightclub, 381 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,960 and it's your job to infiltrate unobtrusively 382 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,960 amongst the clientele as ladies of the night, as it were. 383 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,960 Which brings me to the point, Staveacre, 384 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,320 why the pipe and the moustache? 385 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,960 They have a certain lack of feminine mystery. Oh, sorry. 386 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,000 And you, Hawkins, the helmet under the arm 387 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,960 does nothing to the tutu ensemble. Sorry, sir. 388 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,960 And Bude, Bude, I do think you might have taken the trouble 389 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,320 to shave your legs. Well, I did, sir. This morning, sir. 390 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:10,960 It's a five o'clock shadow. 391 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,960 Well, apart from one or two of those little niggling details, 392 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,640 I think you all look absolutely super. 393 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,480 Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. I'm sorry... 394 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,000 Sorry about the police boots, but high-heel shoes size 16 395 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,960 are hard to come by. 396 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,960 Now, let's see if we can remember our names 397 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:25,960 for this evening, shall we? 398 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,000 Er, Staveacre. Philippa, sir. 399 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,960 Philippa? Yes, sir. 400 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,640 That is a nice name. 401 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,960 Ah, that is certainly a very nice name. 402 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,960 Hawkins? Samantha, sir. 403 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,640 And, Bude... Don't tell me, Bude. 404 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,960 I think it was Doris, sir. 405 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,320 That's good. Well, that's splendid. Sir, do I have to be Doris, sir? 406 00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:58,960 It's such a mousy name. 407 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,960 Well, what would you prefer? 408 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,960 Well... Bubbles, sir. 409 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,960 Bubbles will do. 410 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,320 Bubbles? Well, Bubbles it is, then. Beg your pardon, sir. 411 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,960 If he can be Bubbles, do I have to be Philippa, sir? 412 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,960 What's wrong with Philippa? It's rather a nice name. 413 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,960 Well, it's all right, but it's a bit plain. 414 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,800 It's a bit common, if you don't what I mean, sir. 415 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,640 If you don't mind, I'd rather be Beryl. 416 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,960 Police Constable Beryl it is, then. 417 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,960 And I suppose, Hawkins, you want to change your name? 418 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,960 Er, no, sir. I'm quite happy with my name, sir. 419 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,000 I think Samantha is me, sir. 420 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,960 I think with my English rose complexion, sir, 421 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,960 I think Samantha is definitely me, sir. 422 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,000 STUDIO APPLAUSE 423 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,960 Well, with that cleared up, we should be all right. Yeah. 424 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,960 Were you at all worried about your perfume, any of you? 425 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,800 Oh, yes, yes, sir. 426 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,960 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 427 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:55,960 I think my perfume... 428 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,960 I think my perfume is too flowery, sir, for a Samantha. 429 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,640 For a Samantha? Samantha, sir. 430 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,960 What I'd like, sir, is something a bit more maddening, 431 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,960 like what Doris has got. Bubbles. 432 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:07,960 Bubbles. Bubbles. 433 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,960 Yes. Right, now... 434 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,960 Ha! Ha! 435 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,960 Right, well, you know... You know what you have to do. 436 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:15,960 You go to the club, 437 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,960 and sit yourselves provocatively on a barstool, 438 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,160 and engage gentlemen customers in conversation. 439 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,960 Now, what's going to be your approach? Erm... 440 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,960 Philippa? 441 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,960 Well, Philippa, sir. 442 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,960 I'd say, " 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, cheeky face, 443 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,960 "wanna buy a drinkie for a pretty little copper?" 444 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:34,960 I mean "girl", sir. 445 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,960 Splendid. But don't forget to waggle your hips a little bit. 446 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,000 OK, sir, but I don't wanna appear too cheap, 447 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,800 otherwise he won't respect me. One question, sir. 448 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,960 What do we do if the gentlemen get too fresh? 449 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:44,960 Very good question. 450 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,960 What is the gentlemen get just a little bit too fresh? 451 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,960 What would you say, erm, Bubbles? 452 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:52,960 I'd say, " 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's all this, then? 453 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:53,960 "Mind how you go. 454 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,960 "And I must warn you that anything you take down 455 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,960 "may be used in evidence against you." Good. 456 00:21:58,960 --> 00:21:59,960 Good. Quite right, Bubbles. 457 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:00,960 Thank you, Sam. 458 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:04,480 You go to the club, act as aforementioned, 459 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,960 and when the cabaret goes on, 460 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,960 then you take up your positions by the doors. 461 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,960 And when the stripper, Miss Gloria Esterhuizey, 462 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,960 comes to the end of their... her act, 463 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,960 you reveal your identities and make your arrests. 464 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,960 Right, got that? Yes, sir. One thing, sir. 465 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,640 Why can't I have a miniskirt like Bubbles has got, sir? 466 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,960 You haven't got the legs for it. Dress your age, sweetheart. 467 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,960 What do you mean, I haven't got the legs for it? 468 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960 What do you mean, my age? You old scrubber. 469 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,960 That's who you are. Did you hear what she called me? 470 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,960 You're a scrubber. 471 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,480 Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen! 472 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,960 Gentle... Gentle... 473 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,640 Oi! Stop it! 474 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,960 STUDIO APPLAUSE 475 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,640 Gentlemen... 476 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,960 Look what you've done to my purse. I got it especially for this. 477 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:48,960 Gentlemen! 478 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,960 Would you please remember you're ladies? 479 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:54,960 Now, off you go now, and at the queue, 480 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,960 when Miss... HE LAUGHS 481 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,960 At the queue, you arrest everybody in the club, 482 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:04,320 except Miss Gloria Esterhuizey, the stripper. 483 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,960 I don't want her touched. 484 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:07,960 Why not, sir? 485 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,960 Cos that'll be me. 486 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,800 STUDIO APPLAUSE 487 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,000 Last week, due to a misunderstanding 488 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,960 between the director and myself, you didn't see me dance. 489 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,960 But last night, I made him promise. 490 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,960 CABARET MUSIC 491 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,960 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 35656

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