Original subtitles

FANFARE

NARRATOR: 'At last, the big screen comes of age

'with a story they said could never be told.

'Never before such scenes of torrid passion,

'never before such a galaxy of stars.

'Provocative John Cleese

'as the mysterious quadruple agent Clint Dogposture,

'master of disguise.

'Wherever it was hottest, he was there.'

I feel I owe you some sort of explanation.

'Sultry Graham Chapman

'as the slightly dedicated young intern Dr Dan Tendril.'

What is it, Doctor? BEETHOVEN PLAYS

I'm not sure, but I think it's Beethoven's Fifth.

'Featuring rugged, husky Marty Feldman

'as iron-fisted rancher Rock Thunderclap.

'Who is this man?

'Women throw themselves at him,

'women worship him,

'drawn by the strange animal power they can sense in him.

'He is brutal, he is ruthless,

'and he is all man.'

Yes, but I'm not a fanatic about it.

'And introducing your hostesses for tonight,

'Aimi MacDonald and Mary Maude.'

STUDIO APPLAUSE

Hello again. I'm Aimi MacDonald.

And I'm Mary Maude.

For the next half hour, we shall be wafting you around the world

on the magic carpet of song.

And as we wing our way from foggy London town,

where better for our first port of call than foggy Spain?

Sunny Spain. Yes.

NASAL VOICE: Excuse me.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

SAME VOICE: Goodness me, weren't you on the plane on the way over?

Thought I recognised you. I don't forget a face.

Nor do I.

May I, er...? Enchante.

Here on holiday, are you? Yes, yes.

And you? Oh, yes. Oh.

Well, there's a turn up.

I was wondering, do you have the right time?

I'm afraid I don't. I was about to ask you the same thing. Oh.

Er... ahem.

Er, por favor, senor. Senor.

Er, senor, por favor, gracias.

Ahem.

SAME VOICE: Pardon me. Are you gentlemen addressing me?

Oh, goodness me, weren't you two on the plane on the way over?

That's right. Fancy you remembering that.

Never forget a place. Well, there's a turn up.

ALL: Well, well, well, well, well.

SAME VOICE: Oh, do you mind if I join you?

No. Er, take a pew.

Always room for a little'un.

Oh, weren't you gentlemen on the plane on the way over?

That's right, thought I recognised you.

Here on holiday, are you?

Oh, yes. And you? Oh, yes, yes.

Well, there's a coincidence.

Ah, the vino. Gracias.

Would you gentlemen are to join me?

ALL THREE: Oh, won't say no.

ALL: Sante.

And, er, which part of the world do you hail from, then?

Oh, I'm from Bristol.

Yes, I thought you were.

I can always place a man by his accent.

I'm from Wimbledon.

Yes. What about you? Where are you from, then?

I'm from Edinburgh.

Edinburgh? Yes.

Funny - you don't sound like a Scottie.

No. Well, I spent most of my life in Cardiff.

Oh, that explains it.

Yes, that would explain it. Say "A".

SAME ACCENT: A. Yes.

Whereas we Londoners would pronounce it quite differently.

We'd say "A". SAME ACCENT: A.

A. Yeah.

How would you say it in, er... Manchester. ..Manchester?

Er, we'd say "A". Oh.

Well, there you are, then, yeah.

Well, that very interesting.

Who said that? It wasn't me.

No?

It must have been me, then. Thought I recognised the voice.

Well, we haven't introduced each other formally.

My name's Sydney Lotterby.

Oh, there's a turn up. My name's Sydney Lotterby.

So's mine. And mine.

Well, isn't it a coincidence, all being called Sydney Lotterby?

Who said that? It must have been me again.

No, it was me. No, no, it was me.

I felt my lips move.

Ah.

Well, what's your line of business, Mr Lotterby?

ALL: Wholesale greengrocery.

Really? All three of you?

Well, isn't that a coincidence? I'm a barrister.

Oh. I mean, you don't sound like a barrister.

Well, I used to be a wholesale greengrocer.

You don't sound like a wholesale greengrocer.

I'd have put you down as a barrister.

Oh, fancy that.

Three wholesale greengrocers and a barrister

all called Sydney Lotterby.

Well, it takes all sorts to make a world.

That's what I always say. I always say that.

So do I. Me, too, yes.

ALL: It takes all sorts to make a world.

Forgive me saying this, but I was admiring your shirt.

Oh, thank you very much.

I was, in fact, casting a few envious glances at your apparel.

So was I. Me, too.

It's not everybody's taste, but I like something a bit different.

Be a sad old world if we all liked the same thing.

Well, Mr Lotterby... ALL THREE: Call me Sydney.

Well, Sydney, I must be toddling.

Time and tide wait for no man.

Just... Just waiting for the little lady to come down.

Yes, so am I. Oh.

Come on, Sydney, we'll be late.

ALL: Coming, dear.

Well, there's a coincidence.

STUDIO APPLAUSE

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

He seems terribly depressed, Doctor. He won't eat anything,

and he absolutely refuses to let me take his temperature.

Does anyone come to see him? No, that's just the trouble.

Oh, well, in that case, we'd better put him on to

the Automatic Hospital Visitor Lonely Patients For The Use Of.

You know how to operate it? Yes, Doctor. Fine.

RATCHETING

RATCHETING

No need to show me the way, thank you, Nurse.

I'll find him myself.

Ah, there you are, you old fraud,

large as life and twice as handsome.

Hello, hello.

Long time, no see.

Where shall I put these? Oh, wait a minute.

How are you feeling?

Very much worse, actually.

Yes, you're looking better, old chap.

CLICKS HIS TONGUE Old chap. Old chap.

I always said that all you needed was a good, long rest.

Look. I've brought you some grapes.

Oh, no!

I've got 18 bunches in here! Nice, big, juicy ones.

No need to thank me.

No, I won't sit down, thank you.

I was wondering if you would like me to bring you ins...

No, no, please, you go on.

Mine wasn't at all interesting, really.

I wasn't saying anything.

How very interesting.

I wasn't telling you anything!

No, no, really, I'm not at all bored.

In fact, I'm enjoying our little chat

very, very much indeed.

Do you want the bedpan? No.

What are the nurses like, then?

Eh? Eh? Eh?

I wouldn't know. I haven't noticed them.

Ha, ha, ha. There can't be much wrong with you, then.

Oh, dear, there goes the bell. No, it wasn't.

Are you sure you don't want the bedpan? I'm positive!

I'm sorry. I didn't realise I was tiring you.

I have enjoyed our little chat. Nobody else is leaving.

Yes, I know. I'm always the last.

I won't be popular with Sister, will I?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I'll come again and see you soon.

Grapes. Is your nurse pan feeling better?

Grapes. Nurses, nurses. Nice, big, juicy ones.

Grapes. Goodbye.

Good... Good... Good... Buh...

Oh, that's done me a lot of good (!)

STUDIO APPLAUSE

And now, opera.

It is the night before the election of the doge of Venice.

Stefano, clockmaker to Rufus the Great,

suspects his half-sister Amelia of taking part in the vendetta.

Between Ameliga da Costa, young Spanish corsair,

and Angus McTavish, at that time a Scotsman.

Geronimo, unbeknown to her, snatches the magic amulet.

Bianca enters.

They all take poison and die.

THEY GASP

The end.

STUDIO APPLAUSE

And now...

Good evening.

This evening, I'm making an appeal to you

on behalf of a large group of people, of which I'm a member,

whose active lives have been severely restricted

by a disease brought on by the social pressures

and the stresses of modern living,

which we call sleep starvation.

Now, we...

HE SNORES

Good evening.

This evening, I'm making an appeal on be...

HE SNORES

Which we call sleep starvation.

YAWNING: Now, medical research is expensive,

but it is vitally important

that something is done to find a cure

for this socially... disabling... affliction.

RATTLE RATCHETS

That is why I'm asking you to give, and give generously...

..to this deserving cause.

Please send your contributions, however small...

..to this address:

Thank you for listening.

Next week, I shall be making an appeal

on behalf of those unfortunate people

who suffer from the delusion of being attacked by bats.

Now, these pe... people

are more to be pitied than laughed at.

The problem is growing every day,

and it's time that something was done now

before it is too late.

Until next week, then, good night.

STUDIO APPLAUSE

Ooh, how spooky. I don't like bats.

I don't like bats.

I like bats. Shut up.

DRAMATIC STING

Oh! Eeh!

It's you! HE HOWLS

Good evening, Mr Ordish.

Welcome to Luxby.

Dr Atkins!

Professor Newberg!

Fu Tong!

McDonald!

The same.

So it was a trap?

Yes. Checkmate, Mr Ordish.

You have made your last move.

I wouldn't be too sure, McDonald.

I still have one or two tricks left up my sleeve.

Kowalski, search his sleeves,

especially up them.

Nothing. Nothing?

I'll teach you to bluff me, Ordish.

All right, Kowalski, go to Moresby, fetch the car, and collect the girl.

Not Susan!

Yes, Mr Ordish. Your pretty little Miss Hinton.

You swine!

Argh! Argh!

Argh! Argh! Argh!

What is it, Kowalski? I can't drive.

You can't drive?

Fool! Dolt! Pig!

I'll teach you to drive!

Thank you, sir.

And so, I must take my leave of you.

I wouldn't bother to call for help, Mr Ordish.

No-one can hear you. They're all deaf! Do you hear me?

Deaf. Ha, ha, ha!

Ground floor, please.

Help!

Great Scott!

Ordish, thank God you're safe!

Yes, but Susan...

Susan? She's... safe.

Thank God.

Roger, darling. Susan.

Quick! We haven't a moment to lose!

Strauss is on his way to Melton. We must warn the professor!

ALL: McDonald!

Great Scott! Quick, the door!

Not so fast!

You won't get away with this, McDonald.

Oh, won't I? This is a gun.

You won't get away with this, McDonald.

And it's loaded!

I don't think you'll get away with this, McDonald. Shut up, fool!

You're all fools! Do you hear me? Fools!

What are you?!

ALL: Fools! Yes!

And now, you're going to die!

One moment, McDonald.

Just one thing.

Why did Spengler go to Amsterdam?

All right.

Look out!

GUN HITS FLOOR

I'll get the police! You ARE the police.

I'll get more of them.

Speaking of going to Amsterdam,

tell Peterson to leave Hamilton's body in Keith's flat

so that Brody will think he was the Albanian minister.

Argh! I see.

So he was lying when he said he hadn't visited Oxford last Friday?

Yes! Oh!

But Herman told them that the Dutch police inspector suspended him

on several occasions for minor larceny,

and that he was going to reveal his identity.

Don't move!

Who are you? Bronski!

ALL: Who? Bronski.

ALL: Bronski?

But you're not with our lot.

Aren't I? Sorry.

Try the library.

Oh, thank you. Yes.

These cases or larceny have not yet been fully proved

by the Dutch police.

Library, please. I see.

Argh!

So he told Strauss to contact Brody?

Yes, but when Keith arrived by accident... Argh!

..he was forced to... Argh!

..and to find Kowalski... Argh!

..to get him to tell Strauss... Argh!

..to contact Professor Varling... Argh!

..in Scotland... Argh!

..before Inspector Bold could discover

where Hamilton had hidden the plastic stoat.

Great Scott!

And Strauss contacted the Japanese antique collector

at the Chinese laundry in Wimpole Street? Exactly!

So... Argh! ..they sent Professor Varley to Weymouth

before he could discover that the girl was on the plane.

Take that! Argh!

Hands up!

Strauss! Strauss!

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

HE STOPS LAUGHING

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

THEY ALL LAUGH

Shut up!

Look out!

All right, this is a gun! THEY GASP

And it's loaded! THEY GASP

And it's a clear night.

THEY GASP What's that got to do with it?

Shut up! All right, Kowalski, you can come out now.

Quiet!

Kowalski, the door!

AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE

Open it, you fool!

HE QUACKS

Your disguise doesn't fool me, Inspector!

You won't get away with this, McDonald.

Shut up, you fool! All of you, get against the wall.

You, too, Kowalski, against the wall.

You fools!

You're all fools, and now you're going to die.

This whole house is gonna be blown to smithereens

in 30 seconds from now.

And there's a 100ft drop from all the windows,

and the doors are locked,

and I've swallowed the key!

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

STUDIO APPLAUSE

NARRATOR: 'And now, a song from Jack The Ripper.'

# Give me the moonlight

# Give me the girl

# And leave the rest, mua-ha-ha

# To me. #

STUDIO APPLAUSE

ALL: And now...

Hello. Would you send me Constables Bude,

Hawkins and Staveacre, please?

Thank you.

Right, come in, lads.

STUDIO APPLAUSE

I'm sorry about this, lads, but to put it bluntly,

we're a little bit short of plainclothes policemen.

Not to say plainclothes policewomen.

Now, as you know, tonight,

we are going to raid the Pink Rhinoceros nightclub,

and it's your job to infiltrate unobtrusively

amongst the clientele as ladies of the night, as it were.

Which brings me to the point, Staveacre,

why the pipe and the moustache?

They have a certain lack of feminine mystery. Oh, sorry.

And you, Hawkins, the helmet under the arm

does nothing to the tutu ensemble. Sorry, sir.

And Bude, Bude, I do think you might have taken the trouble

to shave your legs. Well, I did, sir. This morning, sir.

It's a five o'clock shadow.

Well, apart from one or two of those little niggling details,

I think you all look absolutely super.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. I'm sorry...

Sorry about the police boots, but high-heel shoes size 16

are hard to come by.

Now, let's see if we can remember our names

for this evening, shall we?

Er, Staveacre. Philippa, sir.

Philippa? Yes, sir.

That is a nice name.

Ah, that is certainly a very nice name.

Hawkins? Samantha, sir.

And, Bude... Don't tell me, Bude.

I think it was Doris, sir.

That's good. Well, that's splendid. Sir, do I have to be Doris, sir?

It's such a mousy name.

Well, what would you prefer?

Well... Bubbles, sir.

Bubbles will do.

Bubbles? Well, Bubbles it is, then. Beg your pardon, sir.

If he can be Bubbles, do I have to be Philippa, sir?

What's wrong with Philippa? It's rather a nice name.

Well, it's all right, but it's a bit plain.

It's a bit common, if you don't what I mean, sir.

If you don't mind, I'd rather be Beryl.

Police Constable Beryl it is, then.

And I suppose, Hawkins, you want to change your name?

Er, no, sir. I'm quite happy with my name, sir.

I think Samantha is me, sir.

I think with my English rose complexion, sir,

I think Samantha is definitely me, sir.

STUDIO APPLAUSE

Well, with that cleared up, we should be all right. Yeah.

Were you at all worried about your perfume, any of you?

Oh, yes, yes, sir.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think my perfume...

I think my perfume is too flowery, sir, for a Samantha.

For a Samantha? Samantha, sir.

What I'd like, sir, is something a bit more maddening,

like what Doris has got. Bubbles.

Bubbles. Bubbles.

Yes. Right, now...

Ha! Ha!

Right, well, you know... You know what you have to do.

You go to the club,

and sit yourselves provocatively on a barstool,

and engage gentlemen customers in conversation.

Now, what's going to be your approach? Erm...

Philippa?

Well, Philippa, sir.

I'd say, " 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, cheeky face,

"wanna buy a drinkie for a pretty little copper?"

I mean "girl", sir.

Splendid. But don't forget to waggle your hips a little bit.

OK, sir, but I don't wanna appear too cheap,

otherwise he won't respect me. One question, sir.

What do we do if the gentlemen get too fresh?

Very good question.

What is the gentlemen get just a little bit too fresh?

What would you say, erm, Bubbles?

I'd say, " 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's all this, then?

"Mind how you go.

"And I must warn you that anything you take down

"may be used in evidence against you." Good.

Good. Quite right, Bubbles.

Thank you, Sam.

You go to the club, act as aforementioned,

and when the cabaret goes on,

then you take up your positions by the doors.

And when the stripper, Miss Gloria Esterhuizey,

comes to the end of their... her act,

you reveal your identities and make your arrests.

Right, got that? Yes, sir. One thing, sir.

Why can't I have a miniskirt like Bubbles has got, sir?

You haven't got the legs for it. Dress your age, sweetheart.

What do you mean, I haven't got the legs for it?

What do you mean, my age? You old scrubber.

That's who you are. Did you hear what she called me?

You're a scrubber.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen!

Gentle... Gentle...

Oi! Stop it!

STUDIO APPLAUSE

Gentlemen...

Look what you've done to my purse. I got it especially for this.

Gentlemen!

Would you please remember you're ladies?

Now, off you go now, and at the queue,

when Miss... HE LAUGHS

At the queue, you arrest everybody in the club,

except Miss Gloria Esterhuizey, the stripper.

I don't want her touched.

Why not, sir?

Cos that'll be me.

STUDIO APPLAUSE

Last week, due to a misunderstanding

between the director and myself, you didn't see me dance.

But last night, I made him promise.

CABARET MUSIC

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