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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:03,960 FANFARE 2 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,960 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 3 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,960 FANFARE 4 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,960 NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show. 5 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:18,800 And introducing your hostesses for tonight... 6 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,960 I'm Mary Maude. I'm Christine Rodgers. 7 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,320 I'm Frances Dean. I'm Penny Brahms. 8 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,960 I'm Joan Crane. I'm Aimi MacDonald. 9 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,960 And we're all lovely, aren't we? 10 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:48,800 ALL: Yes. But I'm the loveliest. 11 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,960 ORCHESTRAL MUSIC 12 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,480 MAN IN A BAD ITALIAN ACCENT: Let's learn the English. 13 00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,960 Today, as usual, we speak only the English. 14 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,960 Today, the tea party. 15 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:06,960 VERY SLOWLY: I am a chartered accountant. 16 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:11,960 I am also a chartered accountant. 17 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:15,960 I am a chartered accountant, too. 18 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,960 I am a gorilla. 19 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:25,960 All four of us are chartered accountants. 20 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,960 Except me. 21 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,960 And we are having tea. 22 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:35,800 This... is the sugar. 23 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:36,960 Sugar. 24 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:42,480 This is a cup of tea. 25 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,960 Cup of tea. 26 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:45,960 And this... 27 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,160 ..is a greenhouse. 28 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,480 I put the sugar into the cup 29 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:58,960 with the greenhouse... 30 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,960 or "spoon". Yes, spoon. Yes, spoon. 31 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,960 Or greenhouse. 32 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,960 What is it? 33 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,960 It is a spoon. It is a spoon. Spoon. 34 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,960 I am still a gorilla. 35 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960 What are these? 36 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960 These are surgical trusses. 37 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,960 No! They are not surgical trusses. 38 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,960 They are cakes. 39 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:28,160 King Alfred burnt the surgical trusses. 40 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,960 The cakes are on a plate. 41 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,960 The plate is on a trolley. 42 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,960 The trolley is on the table. 43 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,960 It also goes through windows. 44 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960 CRASH 45 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,960 The gorilla is cross with the wop producer 46 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,960 because the gorilla is underpaid. 47 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:56,800 If he were paid more, he might become a chartered accountant. 48 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,960 CLATTERING 49 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:03,960 See! See how the gorilla pours hot tea on the accountants. 50 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,960 Lo! They are scalded. 51 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,320 The gorilla is a reasonable man, 52 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,320 but he has been provoked. 53 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:21,960 The gorilla is now happy to be a chartered accountant. 54 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,960 I am a chartered accountant. 55 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:29,000 I am also a chartered accountant. 56 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,960 I am a chartered accountant, too. 57 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,960 I am a chartered accountant, 58 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,640 but I'm thinking of becoming a gorilla. 59 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:38,960 APPLAUSE 60 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,640 A lot of people have written in to ask if I really talk like this. 61 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:50,960 Well, I don't. 62 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,960 I put it on for the show. 63 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,960 This is what I really talk like, really. 64 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,960 Do you know what I mean, darling? 65 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,000 Good evening, and welcome to another edition of Top Of The Form. 66 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,960 And this evening, we are at the semi-final stage, 67 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,960 and tonight's contest is between the boys 68 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,960 of the King Arthur's Grammar School Podbury 69 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,960 and the girls of the St Maria Kangaroo Boot II 70 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,960 County High School And A Half. 71 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,960 CHEERING 72 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,960 And so, without further ado, 73 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,960 let's go straight on with round two. 74 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,000 David... 75 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,960 David, what is the name 76 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,480 we give to the meat we get from pigs? 77 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,000 Pork. 78 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,800 Good, good, that's two marks to you. 79 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,960 Marcia... 80 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,960 SHE MOUTHS What is the... 81 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,960 Marcia, what is the name of the metal alloy 82 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,160 we get from zinc and copper? 83 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:55,960 Brass. 84 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,160 No, no, I'm afraid not. 85 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,960 The answer is pork. 86 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,960 Malcolm, what is the capital of Australia? 87 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,320 HIGH-PITCHED: Sydney. 88 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,160 No, no, well, I can see you're not gonna get this one. 89 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,480 The capital of Australia is pork. 90 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:16,800 Who wrote the Tale Of Two Cities? 91 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,160 Er... pork? 92 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,960 Good, that's two marks to you. 93 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,640 And, so, on to Stig's question. 94 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:28,960 Stig, what was the date 95 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,960 of Captain Cook's discovery of Australia? 96 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960 Pork? Good, two marks. 97 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:38,800 And the last question of this round to you, Lust. 98 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,000 Can you... 99 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,960 APPLAUSE 100 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:49,800 Lust, can you quote the first two lines of Thomas Gray's elegy 101 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:50,960 Written In A Country... 102 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,640 Pork! Good. Two to you. 103 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,960 And the... And the score at the end of round two, 104 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,960 please, Joan Shark. 105 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,800 HIGH-PITCHED: Well, the score at the end of round one, 106 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:04,960 the boys of the King Arthur's Grammar School Podbury, three, 107 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:05,960 the girls of the Mildenhall 108 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,960 Grainboiling Institute Salmontooth, four. 109 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,480 CHEERING 110 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,960 NORMAL VOICE: Thank you, Joan. And so on to round one. 111 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960 Tell The Difference. David. 112 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,960 David, what is the difference 113 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,960 between a monsoon and a mongoose? 114 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,960 Er, well, er, 115 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,960 a monsoon is a long plastic pole 116 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,000 you hang out of windows at an angle 117 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,320 to keep the birds away. 118 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,960 And a mongoose 119 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,960 is a box you lock books up in for Easter. 120 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,960 Hmm. 121 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,960 No, I can only give you a half for that. 122 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,960 But I can offer it to you, Marcia. 123 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,960 Pork? 124 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,800 No, no, you're guessing, aren't you? 125 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,960 Well, a monsoon is a wind, 126 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,960 and a mongoose isn't. 127 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,960 Well, that's quite enough of that round. 128 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,960 And the score, please, Joan Shark. 129 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,960 HIGH-PITCHED: Oh, at the end of round... 130 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,960 the score is the boys of the Long John Silver 131 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,960 Accountancy School, seven, 132 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:14,800 and the girls of Dr Barnforth's Frogtrampling Institution, 92. 133 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:15,960 CHEERING 134 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,960 NORMAL VOICE: Thank you, Joan. And round three. 135 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,800 And the score, please, Joan Shark. 136 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:24,960 HIGH-PITCHED: 28. 137 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,960 CHEERING 138 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,800 NORMAL VOICE: Good. And now on to round four, and butterflies. 139 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,960 And the first question on butterflies to you, Malcolm. 140 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,960 Malcolm, what is the capital of Iraq? 141 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:40,960 WHISPERS 142 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,960 Red admiral. 143 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:43,960 No. 144 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,960 WHISPERING 145 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,160 Ahem. 146 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,960 Er, cabbage white. 147 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,960 No. 148 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,960 WHISPERING 149 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,960 Oh, swallowtail. 150 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,640 No, no. 151 00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:58,960 The answer is Baghdad. 152 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,960 I'm afraid you were on the wrong track there. 153 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:04,960 Next question to you, Thano. 154 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,960 You have the next question, Thano. 155 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,960 Erm, er... 156 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,960 Can I have that question again, please? 157 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,960 Certainly. Now, this is a trick question, Thano, 158 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,800 so think carefully. 159 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,960 What is the capital of Australia? 160 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:33,960 Er... 161 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,960 ..Canberra. 162 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,960 No, the answer is, of course, Ottawa, the capital of Canada. 163 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,960 That was the trick part of the question. 164 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,960 Caught you napping there, Thano. 165 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,960 But I can offer it once again to you, Joan Shark. 166 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,960 HIGH-PITCHED: Ottawa. 167 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,000 NORMAL VOICE: 'Good. That's two points to you, Joan.' 168 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:57,000 Now, Stig, what is the capital of North Korea? 169 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,960 Pyongyang. 170 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,960 Yes, but I'm not giving you any marks for that 171 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,960 because nobody likes a clever dick. 172 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,160 And the last question to you, Lust. 173 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,960 Lust, who put marzipan in Joan Shark's knickers? 174 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,960 I did. Oh, well done. 175 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,160 Well done. That's two... No, four marks to you. 176 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,960 And the final score, please, Joan Shark. 177 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,960 HIGH-PITCHED: Well, the final score, the boys of Eton College, one, 178 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,640 and the girls of the Wilfred Mousebasting 179 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,960 School of Guerrilla Warfare, nine. 180 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,960 And I've got 22. 181 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,960 So, the scores, three cheers to me, hip hip... 182 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,640 CHEERING 183 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:37,960 Hip hip... ALL: Hurray. 184 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,960 Hip hip... Hurray. 185 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,960 And so... 186 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,960 And so Joan Shark is the winner. Well, well done, Joan. 187 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,960 And next week, she'll be meeting Franklin Goodman in the final. 188 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:51,960 Good night. 189 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,960 APPLAUSE 190 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,800 And now I'm going to read you the collective thoughts 191 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,160 of the lovely Aimi MacDonald. 192 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:10,960 Chapter one. 193 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,000 The end. 194 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,960 KNOCKING ON DOOR 195 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,320 Yes? 196 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,800 Mr Viney to see you, sir. 197 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:32,960 Thanks, sweetie, show him in. 198 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,800 Oh. 199 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,640 Ah, come in, squire. Hello. 200 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,000 How are you, Mr Viney? Good. 201 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,960 Sit down over here, will you? I'm Dr Vulner. I'll be with you. 202 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,960 Well, what seems to be the trouble? 203 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,960 Well, I'm having a bit of pain from my back. 204 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,960 Oh, really? Well, slip your jacket off, 205 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,960 and we'll see if we can... 206 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,960 That's a nice bit of cloth. Handmade? 207 00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,960 Er, yes. 208 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,960 What would you pay for a suit like this, then? 209 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,960 I think it was about 50 guineas. 210 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,960 Really? I know a chap who'll make them up for 30. 211 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:06,960 I'll give you his address afterwards. 212 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,960 Pulse? 213 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,960 That's a nice watch. How much did you pay for that? 214 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,960 I think it was about £100. 215 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:14,960 I can let you have this one for 70. 216 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,960 Look, self winding, Japanese gold, three-month guarantee. 217 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,000 No, thank you, really. 20 nicker? 218 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,960 No. Quite, quite. Quite. 219 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,800 You come to see me as a specialist, 220 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:23,960 there's a relationship of trust. Yes. 221 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,960 Ten quid and I'm robbing myself. No, no. 222 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,960 Thank you very much, no. My back... 223 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,800 OK, squire, enough said, let's see your back, then. 224 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:31,960 Hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 225 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,960 I tell you what, I think you've been sitting awkwardly. 226 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,320 It's your suit, you know. My suit? 227 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,960 It binds you round the back. Now, this tailor I know, Greek boy, 228 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,960 will make you a lovely suit, won't bind you round the back. 229 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,960 Long lapels, three buttons, slightly flared, 230 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:44,960 Italian style, mohair. 231 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,960 Very nice, no back trouble, £30 cash. 232 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,960 Can't say fairer than that now, can you? 233 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,960 Show me a Harley Street specialist who can do that cheaper. 234 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,960 I'll measure you now. It's no problem. 235 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,800 No, thank you very much. Forget it. 236 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:55,960 I have enough suits. Thank you. Forget it. 237 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,480 Forget I said anything. 238 00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,960 You came to see me for medical advice, right? Yes. 239 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,960 Right. 240 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,640 How are you fixed for cup final tickets? Look. 241 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,960 South Stand, E Block, second row from the front. 242 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,960 £7.10 the pair. No, thank you very much, really. 243 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,960 Very good seats. I could get 20 quid 244 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,960 if I hung about outside the ground on the day. 245 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,800 No, please, my back is hurting. 246 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,960 Your poor back. They are padded seats, very comfortable. 247 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,320 No! No. Quite. 248 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,960 Right behind the goal? No. 249 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,960 Look, I'm a specialist. You can trust me. 250 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,960 Some GPs round here, sell you seats behind a pillar, 251 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960 you wouldn't be able to see the game. 252 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,960 Please, I'm not interested in football. 253 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,960 Ah. My back is very painful. 254 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,320 Ah, tell me... 255 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,960 Do you... Do you take much exercise? 256 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,320 Not enough, I'm afraid. Ah, you should. 257 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,320 Ever thought of taking up golf? Well... 258 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:41,960 You see, these clubs, I could let them go to you... 259 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,640 No! Thank you very much. No. 260 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:44,960 Lovely clubs, but no, thank you. 261 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,160 Perhaps another time? Yes. 262 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,960 How about a game of cards? 263 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960 Find the lady, very relaxing for the back. 264 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,960 No. My back... 265 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,000 OK, on the couch, then, on the couch. Thank you very much. 266 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,960 We'll have a shufti at the back, then. Right. 267 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,800 You ever had any... liver trouble? 268 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,960 I think I have a little. Yes. 269 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,480 Mm. Mm. Do you drink a lot, then? 270 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,960 Yes, I do a bit. Mm, mm. 271 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,800 Wanna buy some brandy? 272 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,960 Best Norwegian brandy, 18p a bottle. I got a lorry load. 273 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,960 No! You can have the lorry for 30. 274 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,320 Have to get it re-sprayed, change the number plates. 275 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,320 Schtum, no trouble. I got a garage. 276 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,960 No, thank you, no. 277 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,960 25 quid, and I'll throw in medical advice. There. 278 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,800 Please look at my back. 279 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,960 Your back, yes, yes, your back. 280 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:27,960 Yes, well... 281 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,960 What you need chiefly... It's very tense. 282 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,800 What you need is massage. 283 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,960 Now, I know a good masseur. Brunette, big girl. 284 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,000 No! Blonde. I'll show you a photograph. 285 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,960 No, I'm not interested in girls! 286 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,960 Ah! No! 287 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,800 Give me two nicker for the watch. No! 288 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:42,960 Ten bob? No! 289 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,640 Give me £1, or I'll hit you. No! 290 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:45,960 Get out, then, get out! 291 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,960 I'll send the boys round. 292 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,960 I'll have you done up. 293 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,960 I'll have you done up for wasting my time! 294 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,960 No wonder we are all going to America. 295 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,960 APPLAUSE 296 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,960 Tonight, I'm appealing... to you 297 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,960 on behalf of the lovely Aimi MacDonald. 298 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,960 Please give generously 299 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:21,320 to the Make the Lovely Aimi MacDonald a Rich Lady Fund. 300 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,480 Send your contributions, however large, 301 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,960 to me, the lovely Aimi MacDonald, London. 302 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:32,160 And please don't forget to mark your envelopes clearly 303 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,960 on the top left-hand corner - 304 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:38,960 "Lots and lots of money for the lovely Aimi MacDonald". 305 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,960 Thank you. 306 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,480 And good luck. 307 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,960 APPLAUSE 308 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,960 HE COUGHS 309 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:51,960 ALL: Shh! 310 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960 CHAIR RATTLES 311 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:55,960 Shh! 312 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,960 RUNNING OUTSIDE 'Stop, thief! 313 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,960 'Stop, thief!' 314 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:03,960 RUNNING OUTSIDE 315 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,640 'Stop, thief!' 316 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:06,960 CLATTERING 317 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:07,960 Shh! 318 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:17,960 BAG RATTLING 319 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,160 Shh! 320 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,960 RUNNING OUTSIDE 321 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,960 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo! 322 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:26,960 Shh! 323 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:40,960 STOMPING Shh! 324 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,960 Excuse me. Shh! Shh! 325 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960 Excu... Shh! 326 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:19,960 Shh! 327 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,960 Shh! 328 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,960 Argh! 329 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,960 All right, I'll come quietly. 330 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,960 Shh! Quietly. 331 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,320 FANFARE 332 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,640 Good evening. 333 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,960 This is the high spot of the show each week, 334 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,960 when a well-known star entertains. 335 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,960 This week, it's me. 336 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:46,000 Next week, it's me, too. 337 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,960 Anyway, tonight, I'm going to tell a joke. 338 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:50,960 CLEARS THROAT 339 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,800 There was this man, 340 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,960 and his name was Knickers! 341 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,960 The end. 342 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:02,960 APPLAUSE 343 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,960 Welcome to the Langworth Municipal Ballroom 344 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,800 and Rabbigreasing Institute in Bogwood 345 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,960 for the finals of the Gnomefondler Trophy. 346 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,960 We've had a really exciting evening so far, 347 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,960 with the Archbishop of Reading's Formation 348 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,960 Old-time Horseknackering Team taking the group honours. 349 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,960 Well, you've joined us just in time for the all-comers' medley. 350 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,960 And so, without further ado, 351 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,960 over to the floor. 352 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960 LIVELY DANCE MUSIC 353 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,960 Here we see Sonny Ghostrider and Vinny Mollusc. 354 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,960 Sonny is an exploding boot mechanic from Huddersfield. 355 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,000 Vinny is wearing a startling creation in pink 356 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,960 embossed with 18,000 senna pods 357 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,960 which were sewed on by her grandmother, 358 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,960 ex-heavyweight wrestling champion Bobby Hardaker. 359 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,000 Last year's champions, Wally Armitage Parwater 360 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,960 and Doreen Muffblaster, 361 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,000 run a 24-hour black pudding wash in Grimsby. 362 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,960 Doreen is wearing a souffle of shocking pink, 363 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,960 corrugated iron, 364 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,960 with matching shoes, headband and rugby shorts, 365 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,960 which, unfortunately, we can't see. 366 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,160 APPLAUSE 367 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:42,480 And now over to the judges for Sonny and Vinny's score. 368 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,960 4.8. 369 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,960 4.8. 370 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,640 4.8. 371 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,800 4.8. 372 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,960 Which makes a score of... 373 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,960 ..quite a lot. 374 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,960 Well done, Sonny and Vinny. 375 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,960 APPLAUSE 376 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,960 And now over to the judges 377 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960 for Wally and Doreen's score. 378 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:11,960 4.8. 379 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960 4.8. 380 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:16,960 4.8. 381 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:19,960 And 4.8. 382 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,960 Which makes a score of... 383 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,960 ..quite a lot, too. So it's a dead heat. 384 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,960 Well done, Wally and Doreen. Isn't this exciting? 385 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,960 And now for the first time on television, 386 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,480 we're going to have a dance-off. 387 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,960 LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS 388 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,160 Here's an interesting variation. 389 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,640 I don't think we've seen that one before. 390 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,960 APPLAUSE 391 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,960 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 27200

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