Original subtitles

FANFARE

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

FANFARE

NARRATOR: At Last The 1948 Show.

And introducing your hostesses for tonight...

I'm Mary Maude. I'm Christine Rodgers.

I'm Frances Dean. I'm Penny Brahms.

I'm Joan Crane. I'm Aimi MacDonald.

And we're all lovely, aren't we?

ALL: Yes. But I'm the loveliest.

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

MAN IN A BAD ITALIAN ACCENT: Let's learn the English.

Today, as usual, we speak only the English.

Today, the tea party.

VERY SLOWLY: I am a chartered accountant.

I am also a chartered accountant.

I am a chartered accountant, too.

I am a gorilla.

All four of us are chartered accountants.

Except me.

And we are having tea.

This... is the sugar.

Sugar.

This is a cup of tea.

Cup of tea.

And this...

..is a greenhouse.

I put the sugar into the cup

with the greenhouse...

or "spoon". Yes, spoon. Yes, spoon.

Or greenhouse.

What is it?

It is a spoon. It is a spoon. Spoon.

I am still a gorilla.

What are these?

These are surgical trusses.

No! They are not surgical trusses.

They are cakes.

King Alfred burnt the surgical trusses.

The cakes are on a plate.

The plate is on a trolley.

The trolley is on the table.

It also goes through windows.

CRASH

The gorilla is cross with the wop producer

because the gorilla is underpaid.

If he were paid more, he might become a chartered accountant.

CLATTERING

See! See how the gorilla pours hot tea on the accountants.

Lo! They are scalded.

The gorilla is a reasonable man,

but he has been provoked.

The gorilla is now happy to be a chartered accountant.

I am a chartered accountant.

I am also a chartered accountant.

I am a chartered accountant, too.

I am a chartered accountant,

but I'm thinking of becoming a gorilla.

APPLAUSE

A lot of people have written in to ask if I really talk like this.

Well, I don't.

I put it on for the show.

This is what I really talk like, really.

Do you know what I mean, darling?

Good evening, and welcome to another edition of Top Of The Form.

And this evening, we are at the semi-final stage,

and tonight's contest is between the boys

of the King Arthur's Grammar School Podbury

and the girls of the St Maria Kangaroo Boot II

County High School And A Half.

CHEERING

And so, without further ado,

let's go straight on with round two.

David...

David, what is the name

we give to the meat we get from pigs?

Pork.

Good, good, that's two marks to you.

Marcia...

SHE MOUTHS What is the...

Marcia, what is the name of the metal alloy

we get from zinc and copper?

Brass.

No, no, I'm afraid not.

The answer is pork.

Malcolm, what is the capital of Australia?

HIGH-PITCHED: Sydney.

No, no, well, I can see you're not gonna get this one.

The capital of Australia is pork.

Who wrote the Tale Of Two Cities?

Er... pork?

Good, that's two marks to you.

And, so, on to Stig's question.

Stig, what was the date

of Captain Cook's discovery of Australia?

Pork? Good, two marks.

And the last question of this round to you, Lust.

Can you...

APPLAUSE

Lust, can you quote the first two lines of Thomas Gray's elegy

Written In A Country...

Pork! Good. Two to you.

And the... And the score at the end of round two,

please, Joan Shark.

HIGH-PITCHED: Well, the score at the end of round one,

the boys of the King Arthur's Grammar School Podbury, three,

the girls of the Mildenhall

Grainboiling Institute Salmontooth, four.

CHEERING

NORMAL VOICE: Thank you, Joan. And so on to round one.

Tell The Difference. David.

David, what is the difference

between a monsoon and a mongoose?

Er, well, er,

a monsoon is a long plastic pole

you hang out of windows at an angle

to keep the birds away.

And a mongoose

is a box you lock books up in for Easter.

Hmm.

No, I can only give you a half for that.

But I can offer it to you, Marcia.

Pork?

No, no, you're guessing, aren't you?

Well, a monsoon is a wind,

and a mongoose isn't.

Well, that's quite enough of that round.

And the score, please, Joan Shark.

HIGH-PITCHED: Oh, at the end of round...

the score is the boys of the Long John Silver

Accountancy School, seven,

and the girls of Dr Barnforth's Frogtrampling Institution, 92.

CHEERING

NORMAL VOICE: Thank you, Joan. And round three.

And the score, please, Joan Shark.

HIGH-PITCHED: 28.

CHEERING

NORMAL VOICE: Good. And now on to round four, and butterflies.

And the first question on butterflies to you, Malcolm.

Malcolm, what is the capital of Iraq?

WHISPERS

Red admiral.

No.

WHISPERING

Ahem.

Er, cabbage white.

No.

WHISPERING

Oh, swallowtail.

No, no.

The answer is Baghdad.

I'm afraid you were on the wrong track there.

Next question to you, Thano.

You have the next question, Thano.

Erm, er...

Can I have that question again, please?

Certainly. Now, this is a trick question, Thano,

so think carefully.

What is the capital of Australia?

Er...

..Canberra.

No, the answer is, of course, Ottawa, the capital of Canada.

That was the trick part of the question.

Caught you napping there, Thano.

But I can offer it once again to you, Joan Shark.

HIGH-PITCHED: Ottawa.

NORMAL VOICE: 'Good. That's two points to you, Joan.'

Now, Stig, what is the capital of North Korea?

Pyongyang.

Yes, but I'm not giving you any marks for that

because nobody likes a clever dick.

And the last question to you, Lust.

Lust, who put marzipan in Joan Shark's knickers?

I did. Oh, well done.

Well done. That's two... No, four marks to you.

And the final score, please, Joan Shark.

HIGH-PITCHED: Well, the final score, the boys of Eton College, one,

and the girls of the Wilfred Mousebasting

School of Guerrilla Warfare, nine.

And I've got 22.

So, the scores, three cheers to me, hip hip...

CHEERING

Hip hip... ALL: Hurray.

Hip hip... Hurray.

And so...

And so Joan Shark is the winner. Well, well done, Joan.

And next week, she'll be meeting Franklin Goodman in the final.

Good night.

APPLAUSE

And now I'm going to read you the collective thoughts

of the lovely Aimi MacDonald.

Chapter one.

The end.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Yes?

Mr Viney to see you, sir.

Thanks, sweetie, show him in.

Oh.

Ah, come in, squire. Hello.

How are you, Mr Viney? Good.

Sit down over here, will you? I'm Dr Vulner. I'll be with you.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

Well, I'm having a bit of pain from my back.

Oh, really? Well, slip your jacket off,

and we'll see if we can...

That's a nice bit of cloth. Handmade?

Er, yes.

What would you pay for a suit like this, then?

I think it was about 50 guineas.

Really? I know a chap who'll make them up for 30.

I'll give you his address afterwards.

Pulse?

That's a nice watch. How much did you pay for that?

I think it was about £100.

I can let you have this one for 70.

Look, self winding, Japanese gold, three-month guarantee.

No, thank you, really. 20 nicker?

No. Quite, quite. Quite.

You come to see me as a specialist,

there's a relationship of trust. Yes.

Ten quid and I'm robbing myself. No, no.

Thank you very much, no. My back...

OK, squire, enough said, let's see your back, then.

Hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I tell you what, I think you've been sitting awkwardly.

It's your suit, you know. My suit?

It binds you round the back. Now, this tailor I know, Greek boy,

will make you a lovely suit, won't bind you round the back.

Long lapels, three buttons, slightly flared,

Italian style, mohair.

Very nice, no back trouble, £30 cash.

Can't say fairer than that now, can you?

Show me a Harley Street specialist who can do that cheaper.

I'll measure you now. It's no problem.

No, thank you very much. Forget it.

I have enough suits. Thank you. Forget it.

Forget I said anything.

You came to see me for medical advice, right? Yes.

Right.

How are you fixed for cup final tickets? Look.

South Stand, E Block, second row from the front.

£7.10 the pair. No, thank you very much, really.

Very good seats. I could get 20 quid

if I hung about outside the ground on the day.

No, please, my back is hurting.

Your poor back. They are padded seats, very comfortable.

No! No. Quite.

Right behind the goal? No.

Look, I'm a specialist. You can trust me.

Some GPs round here, sell you seats behind a pillar,

you wouldn't be able to see the game.

Please, I'm not interested in football.

Ah. My back is very painful.

Ah, tell me...

Do you... Do you take much exercise?

Not enough, I'm afraid. Ah, you should.

Ever thought of taking up golf? Well...

You see, these clubs, I could let them go to you...

No! Thank you very much. No.

Lovely clubs, but no, thank you.

Perhaps another time? Yes.

How about a game of cards?

Find the lady, very relaxing for the back.

No. My back...

OK, on the couch, then, on the couch. Thank you very much.

We'll have a shufti at the back, then. Right.

You ever had any... liver trouble?

I think I have a little. Yes.

Mm. Mm. Do you drink a lot, then?

Yes, I do a bit. Mm, mm.

Wanna buy some brandy?

Best Norwegian brandy, 18p a bottle. I got a lorry load.

No! You can have the lorry for 30.

Have to get it re-sprayed, change the number plates.

Schtum, no trouble. I got a garage.

No, thank you, no.

25 quid, and I'll throw in medical advice. There.

Please look at my back.

Your back, yes, yes, your back.

Yes, well...

What you need chiefly... It's very tense.

What you need is massage.

Now, I know a good masseur. Brunette, big girl.

No! Blonde. I'll show you a photograph.

No, I'm not interested in girls!

Ah! No!

Give me two nicker for the watch. No!

Ten bob? No!

Give me £1, or I'll hit you. No!

Get out, then, get out!

I'll send the boys round.

I'll have you done up.

I'll have you done up for wasting my time!

No wonder we are all going to America.

APPLAUSE

Tonight, I'm appealing... to you

on behalf of the lovely Aimi MacDonald.

Please give generously

to the Make the Lovely Aimi MacDonald a Rich Lady Fund.

Send your contributions, however large,

to me, the lovely Aimi MacDonald, London.

And please don't forget to mark your envelopes clearly

on the top left-hand corner -

"Lots and lots of money for the lovely Aimi MacDonald".

Thank you.

And good luck.

APPLAUSE

HE COUGHS

ALL: Shh!

CHAIR RATTLES

Shh!

RUNNING OUTSIDE 'Stop, thief!

'Stop, thief!'

RUNNING OUTSIDE

'Stop, thief!'

CLATTERING

Shh!

BAG RATTLING

Shh!

RUNNING OUTSIDE

'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!

Shh!

STOMPING Shh!

Excuse me. Shh! Shh!

Excu... Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

Argh!

All right, I'll come quietly.

Shh! Quietly.

FANFARE

Good evening.

This is the high spot of the show each week,

when a well-known star entertains.

This week, it's me.

Next week, it's me, too.

Anyway, tonight, I'm going to tell a joke.

CLEARS THROAT

There was this man,

and his name was Knickers!

The end.

APPLAUSE

Welcome to the Langworth Municipal Ballroom

and Rabbigreasing Institute in Bogwood

for the finals of the Gnomefondler Trophy.

We've had a really exciting evening so far,

with the Archbishop of Reading's Formation

Old-time Horseknackering Team taking the group honours.

Well, you've joined us just in time for the all-comers' medley.

And so, without further ado,

over to the floor.

LIVELY DANCE MUSIC

Here we see Sonny Ghostrider and Vinny Mollusc.

Sonny is an exploding boot mechanic from Huddersfield.

Vinny is wearing a startling creation in pink

embossed with 18,000 senna pods

which were sewed on by her grandmother,

ex-heavyweight wrestling champion Bobby Hardaker.

Last year's champions, Wally Armitage Parwater

and Doreen Muffblaster,

run a 24-hour black pudding wash in Grimsby.

Doreen is wearing a souffle of shocking pink,

corrugated iron,

with matching shoes, headband and rugby shorts,

which, unfortunately, we can't see.

APPLAUSE

And now over to the judges for Sonny and Vinny's score.

4.8.

4.8.

4.8.

4.8.

Which makes a score of...

..quite a lot.

Well done, Sonny and Vinny.

APPLAUSE

And now over to the judges

for Wally and Doreen's score.

4.8.

4.8.

4.8.

And 4.8.

Which makes a score of...

..quite a lot, too. So it's a dead heat.

Well done, Wally and Doreen. Isn't this exciting?

And now for the first time on television,

we're going to have a dance-off.

LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS

Here's an interesting variation.

I don't think we've seen that one before.

APPLAUSE

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