Original subtitles

FANFARE

The congregation will now rise and sing

Hymn 264.

Please?

84, that's a nice tune.

106, you always like that!

Tell you what... two verses of 46 and then you can go home.

One verse?

Oh...

Will somebody please sing something?

MUSIC: 'Oklahoma' by Oscar Hammerstein II and Richard Rodgers

# Oklahoma, where the wind comes Sweeping down the plain

# And the wavin' wheat Can sure smell sweet. #

FANFARE

NARRATOR: Yes, it's At Last The 1948 Show,

introduced, as usual, by the lovely Aimi MacDonald.

Hello, everyone.

# Old ones, new ones Gay ones, blue ones

# Happy ones, sad ones

# Good ones and long ones... #

With nails sticking in them.

But first, a sketch.

SHE PLAYS CHORD

Out! Out! Out!

I'm telling you, if you don't pay your bill, I'll let you go mad.

Bloody loonies wasting my time with their stupid...

- Oh, good evening. - Oh, good evening.

- I was told to come in here. - Quite right too.

Haven't been here before, have you?

- No. - Fine, my name's Dr Gilbert.

How do you do? My name's Gibbonposture.

DR GILBERT LAUGHS

Ahem. Er, I'm so sorry. Now, are you a bedwetter?

- I'm sorry? - Are you a bedwetter?

- Well, not since I was... - Right.

Well, you sit on the chair, I'll lie on the couch.

Better safe than sorry.

Now, erm... are you under the impression

that you're Kenneth Wolstenholme?

I'm sorry?

Do you think that you're Kenneth Wolstenholme?

- No, of course not. - Good.

Cos I've got five of them already

and it's getting a bit tricky keeping their appointments apart.

Coming in here in their dirty macs, shouting irrelevant information.

Why Kenneth Wolstenholme? That's what I want to know.

Still, if you're round the twist. Now, erm...

Name.

- Gibbonposture. - Oh, yeah.

Possible...

looney.

Now, I want you to tell me anything on your mind.

Any little problems, it doesn't matter how personal.

And I want you to feel absolutely at your ease while you're here

because, of course, anything you say to me

will be in the strictest confidence.

Ooh, I must tell you about the bloke who was in here this morning!

What's his name? Tony Sullivan.

He works in the bank round the corner. You must know him.

He spent his lunch hour up in that cupboard, you know.

Said the swans were after him.

Oh, dear! He looked a right pothouse.

I've got some photographs of him. These'll make you laugh.

Oh, no. Wait a moment, I left them at the golf club. Never mind.

Erm...

Where was I? - Strictest confidence.

Oh, yeah, yeah, and all that. Right, well, what are the problems, then?

Well, it's rather embarrassing to say, really, I...

- Mm-hm? - I don't like to tell people

cos I'm frightened of them laughing at me.

I don't know quite how to put it, but...

sometimes, I... - Good Lord, is that the time?

- No, go on, go on, go on. - Well... it's just that sometimes

I get this feeling that... - Carry on!

- But I get this, I don't know... - Shh!

Blasted woman.

- I'm sorry, what were you saying? - Well...

Try to relax, strewth!

I am trying to. Erm...

Well, it's, it's, it's happened... BUZZER

- Go on, go on. - Well, it's happened more recently

when I met girls for the first... - Yes!

WOMAN: 'Mr Biddlecombe's here, sir.

'In a bit of a state, wondering if you can see him at six.'

Certainly not! Tell him to go to hell!

Say I've a good mind to report him to the police. Ugh!

Dirty old man. I can't stand people like that

and their grovelling for sympathy. Ugh! Needs a damn good thrashing.

I'm sorry, I interrupted.

I was saying that now I've started to meet girls

in the course of my business

and at parties and socially and... DR GILBERT SIGHS

- I don't like to tell them somehow. - Come on, come on.

Well, it's not a thing you can tell people easily.

Come on! Spit it out! Stop beating about the bush!

- Sometimes I think, sometimes... - Ugh.

They won't tell you, you know.

Five guineas an hour and they won't tell you.

Look, what's the matter? You come in here, you won't say what's up.

It's all bloody mumbling.

I can't hear a word you're saying!

You're all tensed up like all the other nuts who come in here!

It's not much fun listening to your type of looney drivel

eight hours a day, you know!

It's so bloody boring for one thing. Oh, my God, it's so boring.

So will you please tell me once and for all -

in God's name, what's the matter with you?

I think I'm a rabbit.

You stupid looney, of course you're not a rabbit!

- Pull yourself together! - I am a rabbit!

Look! Look, if you were a rabbit,

you'd have great long ears, wouldn't you?

They dropped off when I came in!

Look!

You say you're a rabbit once more

and I'll smash your face in! Now what are you?

I'm a... I'm a... I'm a... I'm a dog.

HE PANTS

Right, that's better. Here's a bone, we'll take it from there next week.

Come on! PATIENT WOOFS

FANFARE

SHE PLAYS SWAN LAKE ON PIANO

Do you realise

that during the time it took me to play that little piece,

45 babies were born in China?

Now for the Indian babies.

SHE PLAYS SWAN LAKE ON PIANO

MUSIC: 'The Avengers Theme' by Johnny Dankworth

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in!

Do you want tea, sir?

Uh, no, no. Not tea today.

I wanted to see you about something else, come on in.

Er, now, you've been doing the tea here for years and years.

So it may come as something of a surprise to you

to hear that I'm the head of the secret service.

No, sir, it's written on the door.

- Oh, yes. Shh! Mum's the word. - Invisible ink.

Shtum, say nothing.

Now, what I want you to do is that I want you to do me a little favour.

Well, what's that, sir?

I want you to set fire to the Kremlin.

What? In Moscow, sir?

Er, unless you know of one nearer, yes.

Well, I mean, haven't you got spies for that sort of thing, sir?

Ah, now, how can I answer that? Erm...

No.

No. We had lots, you see.

But it does seem that they all tend to be just a little bit dead.

So, of the only man available, I've selected you.

Congratulations and well done.

Now, burning down the Kremlin, well, you'll need one or two things.

There are the cans of paraffin and the matches, er...

Ah! Well, I'm sure you'll be able to buy matches in Moscow.

- Well, I've got some matches, sir. - What?

Jolly good!

Well done! You know, I think I've picked the right man for the job.

A man with matches.

Jolly good and out you go, then. - Yes, sir.

Oh, uh. There is one thing, sir. How do I get there?

- How do you get there? - Yes.

Ah! What an awfully good point. You know, I completely forgot.

I'm most frightfully sorry.

Well, we're going to drop you into Moscow from a plane.

By parachute?

Er, no, no.

But, er, there'll be a trampoline waiting for you.

Possibly. Now, Moscow... Moscow's on the sea.

No, begging your pardon, sir. It's not, sir, no.

- Isn't it?

Well, let's have a look at this map here.

It's a little bit out of date, I'm afraid, but not to worry.

Now, you leave from there.

You fly over Gaul

and we drop you just north of the Holy Roman Empire along here.

Land of the Visigoths. There, St Petersburg,

which we now call Moscow.

See? It was on the sea.

- Well, out you go, then, and jolly good luck.

Thank you, sir.

Oh! Ah, uh...

Wouldn't I need something like a forged passport or something, sir?

My goodness, you've done it again! A passport, of course.

Now, passport would be in the filing cabinet

filing cabinet, F.

Funny, it's not there.

Try under "P", sir.

- "P"? "P" for what? - "P" for passport, sir.

Good thinking.

Funny, there's a rabbit in here.

- Shouldn't be under "P". - Oh, it's "P, Q and R", sir.

So it is. Anyway...

It's a hare, I'll put it under "H".

Keep the hedgehog company. Now there we are.

There's a passport,

name on it is Dimitri Stephanopoulus. Jolly good lad.

- Well, it's a Greek passport, sir. - Oh, is it?

So it is. That won't do, will it? Hang on.

Russian passport.

Right. Now, have a look at the photo.

Oh, dear. Screw your face up a bit.

Show your teeth more, good.

Good, and a scar there.

A wart.

Right, well. There you are. Off you go, then, and jolly good.

Oh!

Almost forgot. Unarmed combat. Do you know anything about it?

- Well, not really, sir, no. - Oh, right. Tomkins!

Ah, Tomkins, I want you to show this chap all about unarmed combat.

Show him some of the stuff with the knife.

Right.

Here's the knife. I want you to come at me as hard as you can.

Go on, you know. Really hard, see if you can get through.

- Like a bat out of hell.

- Have I got to, sir? - See if you can get through, go on.

- Hard as you like. TOMKINS GROANS

- Was that all right, sir? - Absolutely first class, well done.

Bad luck, Tomkins.

Now, equipment. Let's give you some equipment.

Now, what have we got here? Ah, yes.

Now, do you know what this is?

It's a watch, sir.

Jolly good, well done.

- Do you know how to use one? - I think so, sir.

Even better, well done. Now, do you know what this is?

It's the watch again.

So it is. Now, this watch is shockproof. Watch.

Knickers!

See? No reaction at all.

There, I'm going to give you this.

- What do you say? - Thank you.

Good. Now, here's a pen for writing under curry

and here's a plate of curry for you to write under.

And, oh! And, er, I'd better just give you this.

- What's that for, sir? - Luck.

Right, well, off you go, then, and jolly good luck.

- Don't forget the paraffin. - Yes, sir.

- Oh, there is one thing, sir. - Yes?

What happens if I get killed?

- If you get killed? - Yes, sir.

Don't worry, Mrs Tomkins can make the tea.

I'm not as cruel as this in real life, you know.

Come on, Kincaid, posse's on our tail.

Let's hightail it out of here. GUNSHOTS RICOCHET

If'n we're quick, we can cut across Deadman's Valley over there

through Cold Corpse Canyon,

across Broken Bone Mountain,

through Gallow Tree Gorge,

over there to Slaughter Rock.

No, let's go the pretty way!

- High-ho, Limp Biscuit! FANFARE

Everybody has songs they like to sing when they're down in the dumps.

I know I have.

This is a little song I wrote to chase away old Mr Blues

and it's dedicated to me.

# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald

# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald

# Oh, I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald... #

All together now, one, two, three...

ALL SING: # I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald

# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald... #

I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald!

# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald

# Oh, I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald. #

Oh, that was nice.

AUDIENCE APPLAUD

No, I can't manage this morning,

and I'm seeing the governors at the zoo for lunch

to discuss buying a new tiger.

And I'm seeing the giraffe keeper at three, so I'll see you at half past.

WOMAN: 'Thank you, sir.

'Oh, and, sir, the reptile keeper's outside to see you.'

I suppose I'd better see him.

All right, bring him in.

Put it down there.

Mind the tail.

There we are, sir.

It's a valuable snake.

There we are.

- All right, sir? - Right.

Morning, Lotterby.

'Morning, sir, sorry, sir.'

It's the fourth time he's swallowed you this week!

'I know, sir.'

And when you're talking to me, take your cap off.

'Oh, yeah, sorry, sir.

'Sorry, sir.'

Well, how did it happen this time?

'The usual way, sir.

'I think he's acquiring a taste for me, sir.'

Look, I'm getting fed up of this!

'I don't do it deliberately, sir!'

I know you, you like loafing around in there.

'Oh, no, sir, I don't, sir!'

Gets you out of doing any work, doesn't it?

'No, sir, it's not true.'

Any time you feel like taking an afternoon off,

you just pop along to the boa constrictor and climb inside.

'Oh, no, sir. Swallowing me, I think, is a sign of affection.'

Shut up, Lotterby!

Well, I'm not letting you get away with it this time.

'What was that, sir?'

ECHOING: I'm not letting you get away with it this time!

'Not so loud, sir, you'll wake him, sir.'

I'm not having a boa constrictor treated as a rest room.

'I'm sorry, sir.'

Sorry's not enough, it's an expensive business,

it costs us £50 every time we operate to get you out.

'Sir, couldn't you put a zip on it, sir?'

No.

'Or buttons, sir.'

- No. - 'Laces?'

No!

'Oh, you...'

I saw that, Lotterby.

'Oh, no, you didn't, sir, I was counting, sir, twice this week.

'Two times!'

That's it, I'm gonna teach you a lesson.

We're not going to operate this time.

We're just going to let nature take its course.

'But that'll take years, sir!'

Good.

'It'll be painful for the snake, sir.'

You should have thought of that before you got in there.

'What will I eat, sir?'

Second-hand mice.

All right, you can come and fetch him now.

Go and put him back in the cage.

'Sir, I'm sorry, sir, I promise I won't do it again.

'Sorry, sir, sorry.' - Now, look here, Lotterby.

If you behave yourself for a couple of months,

I'll let the snake swallow your wife.

'Oh, thank you, sir. Bless you, sir.'

I suppose I'm just an old sentimentalist, really.

All right, I'll see the hippopotamus keeper now.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yes?

Now, look here, Simkins, I'm getting pretty fed up with this.

Good evening.

I am appealing to you again

on behalf of the Make The Lovely Aimi MacDonald

A Rich Lady Fund.

I'm afraid it's bad news.

We've had a very poor response so far.

Come on, Great Britain, you can do better than that.

Do you realise that if each of you sends me just one pound,

that'd be enough to keep me in luxury for hours.

So, don't be a meanie,

give generously to this deserving cause.

Next week, I shall be reading out a list

of all those who've not yet given.

Thank you and good luck.

Hello, there.

Now, this is the spot in the show

when, every week, we bring you a new dance.

Tonight it's a new dance called The Chartered Accountant.

And here to demonstrate the steps,

we have the dancing chartered accountant himself -

Mr Arthur S Stoat, ACA.

Now, you remember in the early days we taught you to do The Twist,

like a man stubbing out a cigarette while he dries himself with a towel.

And more recently, The Shake and The Frug,

like a man with his feet caught in concrete.

Well, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, it's The Chartered Accountant.

It's a little more complicated,

but roll back your carpets and follow us.

Now, the first step.

You're a chartered accountant and you're on a Tube train.

There's a pretty girl standing next to you, but you're embarrassed

because everybody is looking at you.

So you point to distract their attention

and while they're looking the other way - step two.

Now, you repeat that until you get to Liverpool Street.

Next movement, you've reached your office

and you're using the new adding machine.

You take the piece of paper and stick it on the spike.

You need some tea, so you clap for the tea lady.

Now the telephone rings. You have to answer it. Have you got that?

OK, let's have another look at it.

Your next move, you're a chartered accountant on holiday.

You're on a deserted beach in Torquay

and you're taking off your wet bathing trunks.

Suddenly you see somebody coming!

Step 25, you're on a day trip to the Isle of Wight.

You're feeling just a little bit seasick

and you're not very sure which rail to go to.

And the last move,

you're a chartered accountant, it's the end of the financial year

and your books balance.

Now it's quite simply back to the first step.

You're on the Tube train.

There we have The Chartered Accountant.

You think you've got it?

Well, follow Mr Stoat as he puts it all together

and dances The Chartered Accountant.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much, you're very kind.

You may not admire chartered accountants,

but you must admit we've got a wonderful natural sense of rhythm.

BASS GUITAR TAG PLAYS

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

As tonight is the final programme in the present series,

I would like to take this opportunity

to thank all those backroom boys

who have helped to make my show such a success.

Particularly Tim-whatsit-Taylor,

Marty-thingamajig, What's-his-name-Chapman,

and the tall one that needs a shave all the time.

I would like to thank them for the way they've filled in so well

while I changed into my lovely costumes.

But there is one person I would clearly like to sing about

as being the sole cause

of the amazing success of The Aimi MacDonald Show.

I would dearly like to tell you her name,

but she's so modest that she does not wish to be mentioned.

And that person is me.

Can we have a big hand for me, please?

APPLAUSE

Thank you so much.

Thanks.

I don't deserve it at all. Thank you so much.

Ah. Ooh!

What a lovely surprise!

Oh, isn't that beautiful?

Wait a minute, I ordered roses!

Never mind, see you all again soon. Bye.

Bye!

Right. Very passable. Not bad at all.

All right.

Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chasselas, hey, Gessiah?

You're right there, Obediah. You're right.

Who'd have thought, 40 years ago, that we'd be sittin' here

drinking Chateau de Chasselas?

Aye. We'd have been glad of the price of a cup of tea then.

- Aye. - A cup of cold tea.

- Aye. - Without milk or sugar.

- Aye. - Or tea!

And out of a cracked cup, at that.

We never had a cup.

We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

But you know, I often think we were happier then, although we were poor.

Because we were poor.

My old dad said to me, "Money won't bring you happiness, son."

He was right. I was happier then, I had nothing.

We used to live in a tiny, tumble-down old house,

with great holes in t'roof.

House? You were lucky to have a house.

We used to live in one room, 26 of us,

all there, no furniture.

Half the floor was missing.

We were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

Room? You were lucky to have a room.

We used to have to live in t'corridor!

Corridor? I used to dream of living in a corridor!

That would have been a palace to us.

We used to live in a water tank on t'rubbish tip.

Aye. Every morning we'd be woke up

by having a load of rotting fish dumped on us!

House? Huh!

Well, when I said "house", it were only a hole in t'ground

covered by a couple of foot of torn canvas, but it were house to us.

Oh, well, we were evicted from our hole in the ground,

we had to go and live in the lake!

Hey! Hey! You were lucky to have a lake.

There were over 150 of us

living in a small shoebox in t'middle of the road.

Cardboard box?

- Aye. - Aye. You were lucky.

We lived for three months

in a rolled up newspaper in a septic tank.

Aye.

Every morning, we'd have to get up at six,

clean out rolled up newspaper, eat a crust of stale bread,

then we'd have to work 14 hours at mill,

day in, day out, for sixpence a week.

Aye. And then when we'd come home,

Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

Luxury.

We used to get up at three, clean the lake,

eat a handful of hot gravel,

then we'd work in t'mill for 20 hours for tuppence a month,

then we'd come home, and Dad would beat us about the head and neck

with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!

Paradise.

We had it tough.

I used to have to get out of t'shoebox at midnight,

lick t'road clean.

Eat a couple of bits of cold gravel,

work 23 hours a day at mill for a penny every four years.

And when we got home, Dad used to slice us in half with a bread knife.

Right.

We used to get up in the morning at half past ten at night,

half an hour before we'd gone to bed,

eat a lump of poison, work 29 hours a day at mill,

for ha'penny a lifetime, come home,

and each night, Dad would strangle us and dance about on our graves.

Aye.

Well, you try and tell that to the young people of today.

Will they believe you?

ALL: No!

APPLAUSE

ALL TALK AT ONCE

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