Original subtitles

What is the matter, señor?

Oh, señorita, I got something here in my eye.

I see nothing. Well, it feels gritty,

like maybe I blinked in a cinder floating around in the air.

I still see nothing.

Well, now, maybe if you would

just move a frog's hair closer...

Oh, señor. If you please.

You have insulted Spanish womanhood.

No, Hernando.

This will be my pleasure.

♪ Not unless we gotta go Gotta go into town ♪

♪ Got an itch to go to town Got an itch ♪

♪ I'm thirsty as a prairie dog Got an itch ♪

♪ I'm warnin' the women To offer up a prayer ♪

♪ I'm dog dirty And loaded for bear ♪

♪ Us mountain men are rough ♪

♪ And mountain men are tough ♪

♪ Mountain men are Mean and lowdown ♪

Yoo-hoo!

♪ We don't wear no frills ♪

♪ Don't need 'em in the hills ♪

♪ Not unless we gotta go Gotta go into town ♪

♪ Mountain men are rough ♪

♪ And mountain men are tough ♪

♪ Mountain men are Mean and lowdown ♪

Yoo-hoo!

♪ We don't wear no frills ♪

♪ Don't need 'em in the hills ♪

♪ Not unless we got to go Got to go into town ♪

♪ Into town ♪

♪ Into town ♪

Seems like you're in a spot of trouble there.

Looks like a job for a man

with a strong back and a weak mind.

Just my size.

Injun sign talk?

What tribe you from?

You ain't a Paiute Injun, are you?

I sure hope not.

Me and the Paiutes ain't exactly on speaking terms.

Well, this should fix you up. Goodbye.

You know, Esmeraldie,

I reckon he must be one of them pale Injuns.

♪ Us mountain men are rough ♪

♪ And mountain men are tough ♪

♪ Mountain men are Mean and lowdown ♪

Yoo-hoo!

It is an excellent buy at the price, Don Carlos.

The quality of the workmanship is of more interest to me

than the price.

You're sure this was made in Spain?

Oh, sí.

Then I shall buy it.

Wrap it carefully and...

♪ I'm dog dirty And loaded for bear ♪

♪ Us mountain men are rough ♪

♪ And mountain men are tough ♪

What is that?

I do not know, Don Carlos.

Perhaps he's some kind of a foreigner, huh?

We can do without foreigners in California.

Deliver the candelabra to my hacienda.

Sí, Don Carlos.

It will be delivered this afternoon.

And so when my wages did not arrive today as I had expected,

I felt very sad.

But then I thought of you, and I said to myself:

"My good friend Carlotta,

she will advance me a little more credit

until my wages arrive."

Oh.

It's times like these when one knows

who one's friends really are, eh, Carlotta?

Oh, but of course, sergeant.

Water. This is water.

Well, I am surprised that you recognized it, sergeant.

I did not order water.

Perhaps not, but it is the only thing in the tavern

that is free.

But, Carlotta, I have been your friend for...

Sergeant, you owe us 5 pesos and 26 centavos,

and until you pay that, no more credit.

I'm as hungry as a woodpecker with a sore head.

Bring on the vittles.

Buenos días, señor.

Do you wish food?

That I do. That I do. I...

Say, you're a likely-looking baggage.

Oh, señor, if you please.

You got substance to you, gal,

and me, I'm a guy what likes substance.

Señor, you wish food?

Honey, I'm so hungry I'll eat anything

that don't bite me first.

Bring me plenty of vittles

and a bottle of your best beaver blood.

Sí, señor.

Beaver blood?

Start me off with a small one, about like that.

Sí.

You will pardon me, señor,

but you are a stranger to Los Angeles, no?

I'm a stranger to Los Angeles, yes.

Where do you come from?

Up yonder.

Where the tall timber grows

and the hooty owls sing like nightingales.

What reason brings you to our pueblo?

Well, I didn't have no choice.

It was either get out of there in a hurry

or have the hair peeled off my head

the way you skin a grape. Please, señor,

hooty owls, grapes.

You are confusing me.

I ask these questions simply because it is my duty to do so.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Demetrio Lopez Garcia,

sergeant in the service of the king of Spain,

and acting comandante of the Pueblo de Los Angeles.

Phew! All you forgot to add

was high potentate of next-to-nothing

and windbag extraordinaire.

Sí, I...

Would you mind repeating that, please?

You want to know who I am?

Well, sir, Joe Crane stands in front of you, as big as life

and twice as nasty.

I was born in a grizzly den

and raised on buffalo milk.

I'm blood brother to the west wind

and full cousin to the howling wolf.

I'm so mean, I'll fight a rattlesnake

and give him first bite.

I'm king of all the mountain men.

And right now I'm as thirsty as a mud hen on a tin roof.

Ah.

And I ain't been so hungry

since I had to eat my moccasins

back in the blizzard of 1809.

You did?

Boiled them first, of course.

You did?

Señor Crane, you still have not told...

Oh, buenos días, Don Diego.

Good morning, sergeant.

Señor Crane, my name is Diego de la Vega.

Howdy. I would like to thank you

for helping my servant Bernardo this morning.

Servant, huh?

I thought it was some new kind of California Indian.

How come the sign language?

Bernardo neither hears nor speaks.

Oh. GARCIA: Señor Crane,

I still must know where you are from.

Other side of the mountains.

Well, then you must be an Americano.

- That's about the size of it. - An Americano?

You have permission to enter California?

What for? Free country, ain't it?

California is a possession of Spain, señor.

Unless you have a permit to enter,

the law says I must put you in jail.

Jail? Now hold your horses.

I didn't come to your blessed California because I wanted to.

I been trapping up in the high Sierras.

Bunch of Paiutes jumped me, tried to give me a haircut.

Chased me down, here I am.

Well, sergeant, obviously Señor Crane

had no choice in the matter.

Whether he did or not, Don Diego,

the law says he must have a permit to be here.

Well, I understand this,

but would it not be better to treat him as a guest

- instead of an intruder? - I am sorry, Don Diego,

but the law is strict as regards foreigners.

Well, I suppose you must do your duty as you see fit.

Once again, señor, thank you.

I was kind of figuring

having some fun here in your pueblo.

I sure don't fancy spending no time in no hoosegow.

Can't we powwow about this?

Uh, you know, talk it over a little bit, uh, general?

There is nothing to talk about. The law is the law.

Yeah, I reckon a man of your importance

couldn't waste his time talking to no measly varmint

like myself, could he, uh, general?

It makes no difference how important I am. I...

General?

Well, of course, I may have been mistaken.

On the other hand,

I suppose perhaps... Sit right down, general,

and join me in a spot of this beaver blood.

You move right fast for a man with so much leaf lard

on his carcass, don't you?

I'm always willing to give the other party an audience.

Now, if you wish to discuss your problems with me,

I shall be happy to spend the rest of the afternoon doing so.

Now I understand how the Americanos

won their country from the English.

I, uh... I think they talked them out of it.

But the best beef in the whole wide world

can't hold a candle to bear meat.

Remind me once I caught a bear

inside a honey tree.

Rolled a log to block the hole so the critter couldn't get out,

blew the whole thing sky-high with gunpowder.

Well, sir, that bear meat had the finest honey flavor

you ever did taste.

Why, folks come from mile around just to get my recipe.

He has the table manners of an animal.

Señorita.

Another bottle for me and the general.

Sí, señor.

General?

Ah, Señor Crane,

you mountain men seem to have a lot of fun.

Well, we generally try to.

No, a mountain man, he...

He don't rightly figure he's down out of the mountains

unless he's had some good vittles,

something stronger than milk to drink

and, uh...

a pretty gal to kiss.

Oh, but Señor Crane, do not try to kiss her.

Why not? She spoken for?

I do not understand.

Well, she ain't married, is she?

Oh, no. Carlotta is a señorita,

but still, our customs do not permit

such familiarities as kissing.

Well, mine do, general, and let me tell you,

when it comes to kissing a pretty gal,

I ain't got no more conscience

than a bull buffalo in a stampede.

General, there's one thing you gotta understand:

All women wanna be kissed.

Ha-ha. Not Spanish women.

Oh, all women are the same the whole wide world over.

What you gotta savvy is what goes on with them up here.

Now, if a gal was to kiss a man of her own free will,

well, folks might say she was a hussy,

but if she was tricked into it, not knowing about it,

then she'd have all the fun out of it, none of the blame.

Tricked into it? But how?

You just keep an eye on me,

and maybe you'll learn a thing or two.

Señor Crane,

I still do not think this is the right thing to do.

What is the matter, señor?

Oh, señorita, I got something here in my eye.

I see nothing.

Well, it feels gritty, like maybe I

blinked in a cinder floating around in the air.

I still see nothing.

Well, now, maybe if you'd just move a frog's hair closer.

Oh, señor, if you please!

Now, that didn't hurt much, did it?

Well...

You pig!

You have insulted Spanish womanhood.

No, Hernando. This will be my pleasure.

Don Carlos,

the Americano is not familiar with our customs.

You will not harm him.

Americano? So that's what he is.

A barbarian.

Don Carlos. The Americano is unarmed.

But this is not a duel.

It's an execution.

Don Carlos, this is not a fair fight.

Keep out of this, general.

Just give me plenty of elbow room. I'll be all right.

That is enough.

The Americano is my prisoner.

You will make no more attempts on his life

or I shall put you in jail too.

Well, Señor Crane.

You have created quite a disturbance.

Well, I had a little fun doing it.

I am sorry, but I must lock you up in my jail.

You will come with me.

Please? Oh, is that any way to treat

one of your old drinking buddies, general?

Don Diego, can anything be done

to keep the Americano out of jail?

As long as he's in Los Angeles,

he'll be far safer in jail than anywhere else.

Don Carlos will never forgive the Americano for striking him.

Are they putting the foreigner in jail?

Sí, Don Carlos. That is for the best.

At least tonight we shall know where to find him.

Where to find him, señor?

Do you think I would permit him to live through the night

after what he's done?

Tonight.

Ain't often you can find a man

who can hit a mark like that on the first try.

It doesn't look very hard to do.

What? Most things seem the easiest

when an expert does it.

I think I could hit it.

Takes a lot of concentration and know-how.

Here, let me try it once.

Boy, you'd, uh, just be disappointing yourself.

Oh, please, Señor Crane.

Just once.

Well, it goes against my better judgment, but for you...

Clumsier than a hound dog with the staggers.

Once more.

Say, uh...

Now, who usually keeps them keys to the jail cells?

Sergeant Garcia.

I did it!

Just once more?

Please?

Yes, sir, boy, you've got that down to a fine art.

Just shows what a little background

and training will do for a man.

Corporal Reyes.

Do not talk while I'm shooting. It disturbs my aim.

Attention.

The next time I want some idiot to guard a prisoner,

I'll do it myself. Sí, sergeant.

Señor Crane, it is time for me

to lock you up in the cell for the night.

Well, you're the high muckamuck around here, general.

Sergeant, why does he call you general?

Why? Because it is perfectly natural.

Any intelligent person might make the same mistake.

Everyone is not stupid, corporal.

Señor Joe.

I think it is because of me you are in so much trouble, no?

Oh, señorita, honey, it weren't your fault at all.

Every time I come down out of them mountains,

why, trouble just latches on to me

like a sick kitten to a warm brick.

Still I feel partly responsible. I want you to have these.

I baked them for you myself.

That's mighty fine of you.

They look delicious.

Sergeant, these are for Señor Joe, not for you.

Carlotta,

as acting comandante, it is my duty to search all foodstuffs

for concealed weapons or tools.

For all I know, you may have hidden a file

in one of these cakes.

Carlotta, what are you doing?

There. Now, when you have finished eating all the cakes

you can return the keys to Sergeant Garcia.

Oh, and Señor Joe,

when they release you from jail,

you must come and dine with my papa and me.

We live just north of the pueblo,

in a little white house by the crossroads.

Thanks for the invite, señorita.

Don Carlos.

I have told our friend here something of our plans.

Do you wish to help us, Pedro?

Sí, Don Carlos.

I do not like foreigners either.

We must act tonight.

For all we know, that incompetent sergeant

may let the Americano go free tomorrow.

Pedro and I will help you climb to the top of the wall.

From there, anyone inside the jail cells

will make an easy target.

Actually,

this is a patriotic thing we are doing.

A foreigner has invaded our country.

We must make an example of him

or others will be sure to follow.

I agree.

We will wait until we are certain

that fat sergeant and his lancers are asleep.

Oh, Pedro, I shall order some wine for you.

Barmaid.

Sergeant Garcia. Señor Zorro.

Where are the keys to the jail cells?

Keys. Jail cell.

Keys. Zorro.

Come quickly, señor.

My furs are in the next cell.

There's no time to waste. Come.

No, sir, I ain't going without my furs.

I'm afraid I must insist, señor. Hurry.

Corporal Reyes! Corporal Reyes!

Go back to your mountains, señor.

I'll keep the sergeant occupied until you escape.

Lancers!

Señor Zorro, you are my prisoner.

Not again, sergeant.

One moment, señor.

En garde!

Señor Zorro, is this a fair way to fight?

They tell me that all is fair in love and war, sergeant.

Lancers! To arms!

Lancers! Lancers! To arms!

I should have allowed for the wind.

We'll get him, sergeant!

Corporal, if you let him get away,

I'll court-martial you!

Help me up.

Whoa!

Muchas gracias, amigos.

I could never have done this without your help.

Capture him!

Lancers, to horse!

Señores.

The Americano has already escaped your vengeance.

The Americano has no horse, Don Carlos.

He can't go very far on foot.

We'll go after him in the morning.

After him!

Wait! Wait for me!

Well, by now the Americano

should be well on his way back to his mountains.

Of course, it's too bad he had to lose his furs,

but he's still alive, huh?

Remind me to have a pair of suspenders

sent to Sergeant Garcia from Zorro.

Next week, the hound of the Sierras

trained to kill.

We shall go to the pueblo

and let the hound pick up the Americano's trail there.

And this is Señor Crane's hat.

Oh, no. You must be mistaken.

So he is here, eh?

Lancers, surround the house.

Join us next week

for the exciting escapades of the mountain man and Zorro.