Original subtitles

So, it's a new font. It's called "Buffalo Wingdings."

All the little sauce bottles are O's,

all the little ranch cups are N's,

and the mansions are like dollar signs.

Let me be honest with you. Your resume is trash.

You really shouldn't list on here

why you got fired from those jobs.

How am I getting fired from a strip club?

Because this is, and always has been,

- just an Italian restaurant. - Then what are you doing

with all those dildos in the back?

They're breadsticks.

Look alive, look alive, look alive.

How's that potato salad coming on over there?

You're fired.

Hello? Hi?

Yes, my wife and I, we're looking for a nicer phone

to take pictures of our kid with.

Whoa, wait. You two are lesbians?

- Yeah. - And this is your lesbian kid?

Okay. Our son's not a lesbian,

unless he wants to be one day. But yes, this is our son.

Wow.

You're fired, Walt. Turn in your shirt.

I don't know why you cut the sleeves off.

I'm real, you know? I... I take pride in that.

You know, and I... I probably shouldn't tell you,

if we get any closer...

...there might be a problem, you know?

- So? - Nigga,

I'm not about to sleep with you on your job interview.

I'm just trying to get a job.

This is how it happens in the movies that I watch.

I shouldn't hire you.

You're under-qualified, you sexually harassed me,

and if this is you at your best,

then there's no way I can rely on you for anything.

I feel you.

Thank you for your time.

But...

I don't know.

- I like you. - Mm-hmm.

- You're stupid. - Okay.

So I'm gonna give you a shot.

This place, it don't make no money,

but I make just enough to keep the lights on

and to buy polish for those balls,

and every three months, I hit those shoes

with some of that spray.

- Disinfectant? - Roach killer.

It burns your skin, but it's cheaper.

Now, uh, you know how to bartend?

No, but I'll do it.

What's your policy on shirts?

- I don't have one. - Yes!

I won't let you down, Mozell!

It's a promise.

White people came from monkeys,

that's why their nipples are pink.

This is the bar.

Ice here, drinks there, fridge there,

cups there, napkins here,

- and the bottles here... - Yeah, I got it, I got it.

I'm thirsty.

This is Skunk, she get drunk here every day.

Okay. Could have said "former pro bowler,"

but whatever.

I know what you're thinking, "Skunk's a dude's name."

I'm thinkin' it's an animal's name.

What? Which animal?

This is Walt, he's the new bartender.

If y'all need anything, ask him.

Now, I'm headin' upstairs

to go to sleep on these ketchup packages.

They straighten out my back.

Hmm.

Why aren't you wearin' a shirt?

Too much laundry.

Why does your breath smell like Cool Ranch Doritos?

To cover the six beers I had for breakfast this morning.

What's the first thing that comes to your mind?

- About what? - Anything.

Why do ghosts always haunt people?

You know?

They never do anything helpful, like chores.

Why don't you scare those dishes?

All right, brother. I'll have a whiskey.

I got you, fam.

Oh, oh.

- Whoo! - Whoo!

Huh?

Huh?

Are we twins?

Identical?

A new Black king is in our midst!

Hello, pale witch.

- This is Brotha Candy. - I...

am a hotep, a Gemini, a Zulu shaman reincarnated...

and a nude model.

I don't know why I'm sensing loneliness

in your voice, bro.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's all right.

Not again!

Hey, Mom? Guess what, I got a job!

Power's cut off.

Okay?

Yeah, I... I... I see that.

Mom?

- Yes? - Mom!

Damn, I'm just playing with you!

- Come on, scaredy cat! - Wow.

Being poor is fun!

Ah! Don't you use my good spray.

Hey!

Yeah, I'm sorry, man. That's... that's my fault.

Eat it.

Children of Zion, is there dairy in these nachos?

Cheese is literally what makes them nachos, man.

Come on.

Hoteps be knowin' 100 percent of the wrong things.

- I need to go to the hospital. - Whoa.

It's been a month, Skunk, you still ain't got it?

It's one, two...

Yeah! Oh, no. Oh, look at you.

- See what I mean? - Oh, okay.

- So that's the electric slide? - Yeah.

Who's this school shooter all grown up? Yeesh.

Excuse me, sir, may I help you?

- Sir? - I'm looking for...

Mozell Lester.

- Yeah, well, I'm... - I'm Mozell.

- Hi. Hi. - Hi.

Uh, nice to meet you, I'm the city building inspector.

That is Mozell.

- Okay. - Is there a problem?

Well, we'll find out. I'm here for your evaluation.

I need to inspect the food prep area and the ovens.

- Someone working in there? - No, no, no, no.

That's just this little furry creature in the kitchen

who comes every few days and runs amok.

Okay.

I'll just go ahead and mark that with an F myself

- for the health department. - So what? Fail me.

I'll learn my lesson and we can move on.

Well, as the owner of the building,

if you want Alleycatz to stay in business,

you would have to bring everything up to code

in the next 60 days

or else we'd have to shut you down for good.

Shut us down?

You and what army?

Well, the mayor's office,

and the congressional representative's office,

as well as the police department,

and the fire department, and the FDA,

and the ATF, they would come too.

But... but not the actual army?

Right.

- No. - Hey, uh, question.

- Yeah. - White person to White person.

- Oh, yeah, sure. - Yeah.

How much is this whole thing gonna cost

- to just take care of it? - Uh...

you're looking at... 200,000 dollars

in renovations.

- No. - At least.

Sixty days or else.

- Bye, now. - Bye.

Well, who was that descendant of lizards?

Did the demon bring with him

- bad omens? - Building inspector.

He says that Mozell has 60 days to fix this place

or he's shutting it down.

Look, Alleycatz is a pillar of the Black community.

It must be preserved!

Why, it was in this very spot

when Malcolm Little changed his name to Malcolm X.

You don't even know.

It used to be short for Malcolm Exuberant.

But there was already somebody with that name.

This is too much for me.

I'm going to sleep on the ketchup again.

Mozell. Don't you worry, okay?

I personally guarantee

that nothing is going to happen to this place,

you have my word.

Well, I hope that's true, Skunk,

otherwise, you might have to pass out somewhere else.

Never!

Well, this freakin' sucks.

I'm just so angry, you know?

I could... I could just...

I could just...

Can you do that again?

- All right. - Mm-hmm.

- Okay. Excuse me. - Yeah.

Just wind it up.

- What? - Wind it up.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Let's do it again!

Let us do it again! Mm. Mm.

Let it slide.

Whoo! I love it! Yes!

You know what? Whoo!

- Whoo! - What the hell was that?

When did you learn how to bowl?

I... I didn't even know you played.

Oh, no, no. This is my first time.

What?

It's just strength and aim really, you know?

How did I not know this about you?

Well, I'm still kinda letting you in...

- ...you know? - This is, this is good, man.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Eh? Eh?

- Mm? - Right?

Eh? You, me, right?

I don't know what you're doing, but it's angering me.

We're gonna turn you pro

and you're gonna save this place.

You're gonna become a... a superstar.

There hasn't been a Black pro since...

Okay, no,

it's bad that I can't remember the guy's name.

But that's how long it's been. Do you see?

That's a lot of responsibility you're talking about.

It's... it's... it's... it's too much.

- No. - You know, I...

I want a simple life.

You wanna do this, you know,

you should be a pro bowler again.

It's not...

it's not that simple, man, I...

- I can't do it, Skunk. - No, no. But you...

I ain't doin' it.

Sorry.

If you don't pull this off,

I'ma have to start a whole new business.

I'm old, Walt. Don't do me like that!

Come on, Walt, let me die happy!

- Come on, boy, save me. - I... Can I just...

"Got that ginger bread."

"Hashtag niceguysonline4u."

Okay, Ed Sheeran.

Huh? What am I, the Hulk?

Walt, I wanna level with you, man.

We have to help Mozell. We must.

Mozell is the only person who recognized me for bowling

and not just being the woman

that smacked Brett Kavanaugh on the ding-a-ling.

Mm-hmm.

Bowling is what you were put on this earth to do.

Talent like that doesn't just happen.

I mean, she helped you when you needed it.

And... and if you do this,

you're not just helping Mozell, you'll be rich.

There is no doubt in my mind that we can save the alley,

and we can set the bowling world on fire,

I swear to God.

This...

Hmm?

- I'll do it. - Yes!

But, but only until the alley's open,

all is well,

- Mom and I are straight. - Yeah.

And if I'm gonna do this bowling thing,

I have to do it under a stage name.

And costumes, like the wrestlers.

Okay.

What's your name?

My name is Nygga Tyme.

It's spelled N-Y-G-G...

Yeah, you can just write Walt.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, who's the dead lady in the photo?

She's not dead, unfortunately.

- Hmm. - That's Linda Curson.

She's the most decorated bowler of all time.

She holds every record.

Every single one.

God, what a dumb heifer.

Look at that smile, man.

It is gonna feel so good to blast through her legacy.

Bet she's a freak in bed.

Love to blast through that legacy.

Mm.

- What's up with these stickers? - No, this is manifesting.

These are the companies I want to sponsor me.

You make that Pornhub one yourself?

- I did good, right? Yeah. - You did.

Hey! What you doin' in our area?

Oh, my.

Now, who licked the red off of your candy?

Lane five is mine.

Name's Crantley Shandle, and before you ask,

yes, I am a junior.

My name is Nygga Tyme.

- Oh. - The First.

- Ooh. - Yeah.

This is Skunk.

- Skunk! - Yeah.

Oh, put me on a Shetland pony

and ride me out to the local watering hole.

Hmm.

I haven't seen you since... Where was it?

The parking lot of a Starburst lanes

and you were out there with a, um, paper bag,

and then somebody said that they took you

to a mental institution. Is that right?

And now it's time to bowl and we're done talking.

So let's go, right?

Mm-hmm. - Okay.

- Enchanté. - What's that guy's deal?

How you feeling, man? You nervous?

Can I be honest with you?

Yeah.

I've never felt better in my life.

You're crying.

Because there's something else I'm thinking about.

- Not this. - All right, cool.

Hey, let me tell you a story real quick, okay?

A few years ago,

I was driving home late one night.

All of a sudden, this guy walks out in front of my car

and bam, I run right into him.

I get outta my car

and I see that he's pinned underneath the tire.

He reaches out his hand to me,

but I get back in the car and I finish the job.

Kill this guy...

with your car.

Good luck. You're gonna need it.

Ah, strike!

Whoo! Now we in business!

You better give your heart to Jesus,

'cause your butt is mine.

Ooh, that was nasty.

Whoo!

- Yeah! - Mm.

I think I got a little bit more game left.

Whoo. A lot more game left.

Get those fingers in those balls and start them to roll.

God, I hate your haircut.

Yeah.

Ooh, oh, my God, I'm hungry for beef stroganoff.

Does this place have beef stroganoff?

Definitely don't have beef stroganoff.

- Shut... - This is a bowling alley.

...up.

Yes.

Looks like we're gonna get you home in time

to get your Uncle Willie some Lotto Scratchers.

You know my Uncle Willie?

What? No.

No, I... what...

No, what I... what I meant was, um...

- Okay, well, it's... - What'd you mean?

Don't make me say it.

- Sit down. - Sit down.

- Whoo! That's how you do it! - Whoo!

That's Lizzo playing a flute.

Yeah.

Congrats, Walt, here's your check.

No, I don't want that.

I'll wait until y'all get a big-sized check.

Oh, we don't issue the large checks at this event.

I'm sorry, pipsqueak.

Are you telling me you're denying Walt

the right to a big check?

Wow, I've never seen this much money in my whole life.

And I used to clean Joel Osteen's house.

Well, get used to it, 'cause there's a lot more

where that came from.

Where to next?

A little town I like to call Indianapolis.

Well, everybody calls it that, right?

Because that's, well, its name.

Can I get cropped out of this photo?

Hey.

Did you spend all your money at the jewelry store?

- No. - Did you save anything?

Save what I didn't spend, baby.

- Man. - Come on now.

Listen, I want you to enjoy yourself.

Money's fun, but...

ugh, you gotta save some of it

and put it towards something bigger.

I mean, don't you have any dreams or anything?

- A threesome. - What?

Yeah.

What? A... a... a foursome?

What are your dreams, since mine's are so stupid?

I don't have any dreams.

Nah, dude, come on. You just made me answer.

Okay, fine, I used to have dreams,

but then I had to do things other than my dreams

and that didn't really go so well for me.

So now, I don't have any more dreams.

Okay, I have one dream.

I wanna wrestle that kid from Dune, Timothee Chalamet...

just to see what would happen.

Any other questions, Lester Holt?

- Hey. - What?

Bring it down. What's up with the attitude?

You're the one that asked.

I just get a little sensitive when I'm on my period.

You know... when I drink beer to get through my period.

It's okay.

I hate when people make fun of my nipples

because they look puffy.

They kind of are.

I just said that hurts my feelings!

Whoa! Y'all ain't ready.

Y'all scared.

- Yeah. - Especially you, freak.

Uh-huh.

This is a bad day for you, dude.

- You just got roasted to hell. - Hmm.

Like some rotisserie chicken.

You ever have rotisserie chicken?

- It's delicious. - Mm.

You'll like it.

- How's that roast? - It's pretty healthy.

- Yeah. - Hell, yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Okay. Okay.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Enough of this madness, bleach face.

You cannot do a Hadoken.

Well, I haven't fired one off in years,

but if it gets you to shut the hell up, then let's go.

Mm.

- This is Walt. - Mm. Ha.

A sponsorship opportunity.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm... I'm listening.

Come on.

You know my favorite movie is Green Book, please.

You're not sitting

- in the back, Skunk. - Ugh! God.

Hello?

Another sponsorship?

Tell me about that sweet cheddar.

Okay. Yeah. I'll hold.

Ooh.

Spicy hot milk. How is this for both of us?

You just said that you love spicy food.

But it burns when I pee.

You didn't drink the milk yet, Skunk.

Oh.

Yeah.

Talk to me.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, thank you very much.

- All right. - What?

What was that?

This next sponsorship is gonna be major.

Oh, yes!

- It's the one, isn't it? - It's the one.

- It's the one. - It's the one.

- It's the one! - It's the one!

Mm.

I love that they lubed up the sleeves.

I know.

So easy to get your arms in and out, right?

Wow, they thought of everything.

Yeah.

Mm.

Mm.

All right, get outta here.

- Say it, kids, "Nygga Tyme!" - Nygga Tyme!

It's Nygga Tyme.

Who told you to say that?

I'm Angelo Powers for "Bowl Lives Matter,"

and I made that phrase up first.

Bowling, the USA's greatest sport,

as American as Chinese food.

It was a game for good folks, you know?

We had champions who were role models.

From Dick Weber to Linda Curson.

And then, a new guy showed up.

I personally don't know what to call it.

Talent? A fluke?

One thing is for sure, this Walt guy is on fire,

and I haven't gone through the trouble

to learn his last name.

Jenkins, Johnson, Walt Abdul-Jabbar, or whatever,

in just three competitions has the highest

tournament average of any bowler in history,

winning each game by 15 pins or higher.

And I'm hearing from some folks, you don't need to know who,

he's getting his back blown out by Rihanna.

That's right, she blows his back out.

Really sticking it to our boy.

We have not seen someone this exciting in this sport

since Linda Curson's historic run in the early '90s.

If Walt stays on this track,

he will break every record Linda holds.

Because I have no other way to make money,

I went to talk to the man himself

and his coach, Skunk, about their road to success.

- Oh! - Yeah.

I love this!

Oh!

Can y'all like blur us on the cameras?

Get the money, baby.

- Hello? Are you there? - Hello? I'm here.

- Y'all blurring us? - Do it.

Tear that money up, boy.

It's all about staying grounded.

- That's really important. - I understand.

You know, I come from the hood.

That's why I still got my boys over here next to me.

Let's talk to him, Brotha Candy.

He's never been on television before

and is not a criminal.

- Hello, and grand rising. - All right, cool.

And then we got my cousins. We got Half Life right here.

And then you got the ugly one right next to him.

That's Lil' Patience.

Wait, what? No, I'm not ugly.

Come on, everybody can see you. You're ugly.

- Who? - All right.

Looking like Sterling O.K. Brown.

Talk to him!

He paid for that beard lineup with food stamps.

- Hello! - You ain't a real nigga,

- Lil' Patience! - Y'all stop playing around!

Y'all know I don't play by my looks.

Walt's cousins, who started coming around

once Walt made money, don't mince words either.

I'ma tell you something.

Y'all really lucky y'all got this little nigga up in there.

You know what I'm saying? Otherwise, all of us,

we'd be busting in your house Home Invasion style.

- You feel me? - Well, didn't need to feel me,

'cause you were very direct with what you said.

Tip-toeing through your windows. Click clack.

- Oh, you sleepin'? - Wake up.

They're not telling the whole story.

If it wasn't for me,

Walt would be eating outta trash cans

behind Whole Foods, like I do.

There's good stuff back there

and I don't wanna answer a lot of questions about it,

so if you're so fricking curious, Google it!

Okay.

You know, it is true that Walt's success,

somehow, does have a lot to do with your coaching.

And you do have quite a bowling background.

So you understand the pressures and the expectations,

and you know what it's like to really eat it

every time you even come close to reaching the next level,

a lot of times,

seen on television by thousands of people.

Listen, what me and Skunk are doing right now,

has never been done before. Losing ain't in our DNA.

I'm going to roll a strike

in front of everybody that loves and respects you.

And then they will hate you.

And then they will want a threesome with me.

Damn, Walt, you're still on that?

Yeah, that's Walt liquor time, baby.

Consider this a warning.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, is safe, okay?

We're talking about everybody in the league.

I'm talking about that dinosaur, Linda Curson, everybody.

What did I learn about Walt and Skunk?

One, they are the team to beat and everyone should take heed.

And two, some stereotypes,

no matter how offensive, are true.

I am Angelo Powers for...

Aw, sweetie, are you hungry?

Here you go, here's the rest of it. Here.

Here we go.

Hoo!

Hee-haw!

Well, as we've seen all game,

Walt has refused to roll the ball in any normal fashion,

which has caused him to be in a tie

with this sorry sack of potatoes.

It's probably the stupidest thing

- I've ever seen. - Yee-haw.

And folks, I have seen a lot of stupid.

- Hey, little baby. - I'm a grown man.

You don't look like a grown man.

You look like a little baby, wearing a tight little

see-through T-shirt.

I don't know, Skunk,

there's something wrong with my ball.

Literally, shut up and bowl.

And here it is for the win.

Oh my God. Oh my God. He loses!

Oh, my God, I won. I won.

This is such a blessing.

My family is gonna be okay.

I can get that lifesaving surgery

for little Christopher finally.

Today's a good day.

Took me 26 years, but I did it.

This is one of the happiest days of my life.

This is gonna be smooth sailing from now on.

- Hell yeah, brother! - Yee-haw!

I'll take two of everything on the menu.

Rich nigga.

We'll take an order of French toast

and I would like a beer

warmed up in the microwave, please.

What?

Or on the stove, whatever.

I don't wanna do your job for you...

Okay. Okay.

By the way, what happened back there?

How'd you screw up so bad?

I told you, something was wrong with my ball.

Well, that's because you weren't paying attention.

Listen, dude, as your coach, I cannot...

Oh! "My coach."

- Yeah? - Good to know.

Now I just thought you were getting smacked

on whatever you can get your hands on

and taking photos with me at the end.

But it's good to know you're still on my team, Skunk.

Don't do that.

We cannot afford to have another game like that.

Mozell will lose the alley,

that skank Linda Curson will not have her record beat,

and you and I will go back to doing whatever the hell

we were doing before, which is nothing.

I don't know, you'll go back to living with your mom and,

I don't know, cleaning chitlins or whatever.

- Okay. - Thank you very much.

Nice game today, loser.

Oh, my God.

You're eating in a diner by yourself.

Who's the loser?

So you want me to come sit with you?

- No. - No one said that.

Well, all right.

Everybody needs themselves a little Angelo.

Slide over there, sweet cheeks.

Dude.

You guys are so lame.

Roger roll, Challenger.

Good roll program confirmed.

Whoa.

Oh. Whoa.

Ow. What is your problem?

I'm sorry, okay?

I was counting on you,

- but you're not helping. - You are not right...

How are you... how... where what are you doing to help this?

Stop it.

You get back here!

- I might kill you today. - But you can't kill me.

- I'm mad at you. - I'm already dead.

Well, for those of you watching at home, Walt is tanking.

You wouldn't see a lonely housewife

eating it this hard on the Food Network.

- Hey! - Maybe you would.

It's this ball, man. I'm telling you,

- something ain't right. - It doesn't matter anymore.

You already lost this one and now we're gonna have to do

a bunch of little tournaments to make up Mozell's money.

But, Walt,

if you drop this last pin,

you beat Linda Curson's spare record in a single season.

And, and, and that's just as important as the money.

- To who? - To both of us, equally.

- Right. - Plus...

I didn't wanna say anything, but I'm trying to impress

that guy over there.

I wanna let him know that I only coach winners.

Are you talking about that really ugly guy?

No, not that guy. He's disgusting.

I'm talking about that guy with the book.

Bring it home, my dude.

Wouldn't it be weird if we kissed?

You literally disgust me.

So...

Mm.

- You're right. - Yeah.

Not my drink.

I got this. I got this, I got this. I got this.

Well, Walt, you broke one of Linda Curson's records,

but still came in dead last, starting a new losing streak.

Pretty pathetic, and everybody's laughing at you.

What are your thoughts on today?

Who's doing this to me, man? Huh? Tell me, who's doing this?

This is a setup.

You see what happens when I roll the ball?

It does this spin, okay?

These White folks don't want me to win.

That's why they're plotting on me.

It's like, it's like what Kendrick Lamar be talking about

in his short nigga dreadlock raps.

Okay, I didn't understand a lot of that,

but you seem pretty upset.

Someone's rigging these games against our boy Walt.

You think it's a coincidence that he gets closer and closer

to these milestones, he suddenly starts bowling bad?

- Seems su-picious. - "Suspicious."

Two different words that mean the same thing.

Maybe some records aren't meant to be broken.

Oh, my God, it's her!

Could it be... What do we have here?

Ladies and gentlemen, we are joined

by none other than the Michael B. Jordan

of bowling, Linda Curson.

Oh, thank you so much. I'm so moved.

Thank you, guys. Love you too.

What the hell are you doing here, pencil-neck?

Oh, it's good to see you too, Skunky.

Finally, a real bowler. Tell us, what brings you out

to the tournament?

Oh, well, I was seeing so much about this young man,

and when I saw who was coaching him,

I just had to come down and find out

what all the hoopla was about.

And should he break my records,

well, I wanna be the first to congratulate him.

As humble and gracious

as she is monstrous on the lanes.

Nobody's a better champ than Linda.

What has it been like for you to watch her coach Walt?

And if you have anything bad to say about him,

- no need to hold back. - Oh, no, it's been fantastic.

I mean, when Skunk tried to go pro,

there were so many people,

- your network included... - Well.

who felt that it was gonna be really too difficult

for her to fill my shoes.

And being a female bowler

and coming in so soon after I retired,

and being my daughter...

Daughter...

daughter... daughter...

Well, a bowling dynasty indeed.

Walt, I bet you must feel the...

the bowling skills and knowledge...

Nah, I'ma , I ain't know about

until about a minute ago.

This is embarrassing for me, okay? on the television.

- What the. - Nah, go get the.

- This isn't okay. - What the is going on?

Shut the up, you whiny piece of.

Oh! Now someone has some balls!

Oh, well, now that this has become Bumfights,

I think we just wanna thank you, Linda, for stopping by.

And please don't be a stranger. We love having you.

Oh, thank you so much. It's very nice to hear that,

because I have a little bit of news.

Oh? Tell us.

I'm going to return to pro bowling.

Yes, I mean, I might be a little bit rusty,

but there is no way I'm gonna let these two bozos

just take all my glory without a fight.

Oh, I'm gonna murder you clowns.

How are your balls, by the way?

I get them checked regularly.

Okay.

Later, bitch.

- All right, see ya. - Curson the Crusher is back!

- Boom! - How about that?

Of course.

- She's your mom? - Surprise.

So you knew she was coming out of retirement.

What... what is this?

Payback for Obama beating Hillary or something?

Maybe subconsciously, but I swear to God,

I never would've tricked you like this.

You did this because you wanted to get back at her.

I did all of this because I believe in you.

And if you haven't noticed, it's working, man.

Tell me the truth, I still got a chance?

I mean...

- Eh... - Thought so.

You know, you couldn't have done this without me.

I'm the star.

It's time I struck out on my own.

But what about Mozell, dude?

Everybody's got a sob story to exploit me.

You came with the whole "this is your purpose" mess.

And, and no, no, it's time I exploit myself.

Wait, I have to ask you a question then before you go.

When did you make that bindle?

Well, if it isn't my two biggest enemies.

Hey, I just got this huge pizza.

Maybe you two chodes can help me scarf it down.

Well, the joke's on you,

'cause I just bought a second one

just in case you did that, loser!

- Eat it with Skunk! - Loser!

Mm.

Another one, straight up. Yeah.

You've been drinking Sprite out of a shot glass.

Want me to just get you a can of Sprite?

I've been flying off the lemon lime, man.

Come on, gimme another one.

Lookie here! It's bowling guy.

Hey, bowling guy.

Bet you want to bowl right now, huh, bowling guy?

Bowling guy's a little quiet.

Maybe he only speaks when he's bowling a ball, huh?

You ordering the chicken fingers,

bowling guy?

I'm really not in the mood for this,

but if y'all want to test my gangsta,

let's get into it.

Oh.

- You gonna let me in? - Come on in and sit on my face.

I hope you're hungry.

She lied to me!

I'm the one with the arm!

I'm the one with the skill! I'm gonna be fine!

Hey, mister, um, I'ma gonna be honest with you.

We were just gonna mess with you until you left,

um...

Yeah, this feels a lot like therapy.

And therapy, as we all know, is Jewish voodoo.

Yeah.

Oh, you gonna put that on for me when I get home?

Well, I can't wait,

I hope it's tight and rippin'.

I love it when things are rippin' at the seams on you.

Uh-huh.

Okay, well, you better be ready for me when I get home.

All right.

Who was that, your girlfriend?

No, that was my dog.

What?

I love him very much and he's a handsome boy.

What?

- Hey. - Hey.

You're the bowling coach. We're partying with you.

- You serious? - Absolutely.

- You payin'? - Yes!

Let's order some spaghetti.

Ah, with meatballs, baby, come on.

Come on.

Got 'em all!

What's the matter, little guy?

Aww, this is my sweet little boy.

It's okay, it's all right.

Stop.

Yeah, that's better.

Yes!

Whatever.

Who sent you? Who sent you?

Wow, you took that like a champ.

Linda Curson rules!

Hey! Get back here, White boy.

I like you. So I'ma gonna give you a shot.

I won't let you down, Mozell. It's a promise.

Uh-uh, Walt, fare.

Paul, you won't believe what just happened to me.

I... I just got robbed.

Man, I... I don't got nothing.

I don't believe you.

You know the drill.

Will Daphne be joining you today?

Cut that slag's throat quite proper.

Nasty.

Hey, Momma.

Hey, babe.

Mm, why do you smell like motor oil?

You rode on the front of the bus again?

Yeah, Ma.

I'm not feeling great, I'm gonna stay here tonight.

I'm just gonna go take a shower.

Water's off, again.

Then I'm just gonna go straight to bed.

Bed's gone.

I... I had to sell it.

We don't got beds now?

What happened to the money I gave you?

Mm! Mm.

Huh?

How much did that cost?

What do you think?

Whoa, there. Where you headed to, miss?

Let me guess.

You're stopping me because you wanna hit it raw.

But I'm not that kind of lady.

All right.

I'm gonna get in my car and drive.

You really thought you were gonna be the hero

to catch me slippin'.

Door.

Oh.

I think somebody painted my car to look like your car.

So...

I'm a barbarian.

I'm an animal, I'm a killer.

Especially when it comes to women.

Help me, please. Help me. Help me, guy.

Come on, come on, let me out, please.

They're gonna hurt me really bad.

- I can tell, I can tell. - Good news.

You're free to go.

Suck my tits, girls.

Oh, God.

- You bailed me out? - Come to Dad.

- You mean "Daddy." - No, I mean your savior.

Like, wrap yourself in my salvation, like your dad.

Oh, God.

Can you move your butt back a little?

What's up, Officer Evans?

Blue lives don't matter, you dork.

I wanna go back inside.

You see, you see, my third eye is open...

even though it got glaucoma.

Dammit!

We're gathered here today to lay to rest

two young hoodlums.

Lil' Patience and Half Life...

lived up to their namesakes all too well.

That's what Patience had... very little of it.

Half Life, well,

the nigga only lived half a life.

These two young brothers are sharing one casket.

Y'all got these boys in here looking like Twix.

Oh, let me in there with 'em, Jesus.

Hold me back, hold me back, I'm getting in with 'em.

The threesome.

They will be remembered by those that they loved,

but most passionately by the people that they hurt.

I'm knocking at the door saying, "Jesus."

They stole from me. Where the money go?

Amen, I guess.

- Amen. - All right.

Oh.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I just, uh, I was in the neighborhood.

Um, pretty sad what happened to Lil' Patience and Half Life.

I guess that's what happens

when you try to steal Kohl's Cash.

Who's Cole?

No, Kohl's Cash.

They were trying to steal Kohl's Cash gift cards

from Kohl's, and they got dropped.

Look, I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what else to say.

I didn't mean to put you in a situation

or embarrass you or whatever. I just, I saw an opportunity

for the both of us and I took it.

Should I have been more upfront in the beginning?

I mean, yeah. But...

you know how much I love lying.

Like your driver's license saying you're an organ donor.

Right? I'm keeping all this.

Idiots.

I thought we had a bond, you know?

Like those White folks and Black folks

in the Applebee's commercials.

They would never know each other in real life,

but in the ads...

they look comfortable as hell together.

You gotta believe me,

I never ever wanted this to happen.

You're right about one thing, though.

I do want revenge.

She ruined my life in ways that you will never know

or understand,

and I would never ever be working with her.

And I especially wouldn't have you involved.

I have love for you, dude.

Think we can beat her?

- Let's get it. - Yeah!

Missed you, dawg.

Mm, I need you.

I missed you.

You screwed up the handshake.

Faster, faster, faster, faster.

Walk towards the pins.

But it's all slippery, isn't it?

Exactly.

Oh!

- It got you. - Broke my arm, huh?

Hit me in the butt.

You got this.

Oh, my God, he's doing it. Yes. Be careful.

Yes. Yeah. Straighten out. Yes, yes! Now!

Recovery.

Whoo!

That's easier than walking to you?

You have gorgeous form.

Oh.

Who been buying all this Grey Poupon?

- Mm-hmm. - Hi, Mozell.

Why you bein' all weird and quiet?

Ain't nothin' good come from silence.

That's why I scream all my prayers.

Ain't that right, Father God!

I owe you an apology.

I was being...

immature, and... and selfish.

I got the nicest TV they had at Target but...

I lost sight of what was important, you know?

Okay, I forgive you.

You know, I had a few ideas

about what business to open here back in the day.

Beauty salon, a dessert kitchen, a gun range in my garage.

Guess what made me decide bowling alley?

I don't know. Why'd... Wait, wait, wait.

Did you just say a gun range?

I decided bowling alley

because I want to have fun day in and day out.

You know, so much bad stuff going on out there.

People that wanna look different 'cause they so sad.

Sugar turns you into an addict. And guns...

Well, you know,

they... they... they're bad all of a sudden.

But bowling is just what it is.

Oh, people getting together, having fun.

Oh, forgetting all that stuff.

You see what I'm saying?

Yeah, I think I do.

You know, if I just have fun

and let all that background noise just fade out,

I'll... do me and win.

What you talking about?

I'm saying if you don't pull this off,

I'ma have to start a whole new business here.

Oh, there the creature!

Oh, get... Get that hoagie... Get that hoagie out his mouth.

Whoa, hey, come here, come...

Whoo.

Oh, these TLC costumes are the best decision we ever made.

I don't know, I don't think they really get it, you know?

'Cause there's only two of us. We should've went with OutKast.

Do you have any idea how much brown face paint

I would need for that? Come on.

All right, game time. This tournament is it.

If you get anything less than second,

you're out of the finals. Are you ready?

Oh, I keep meaning to ask. What are these things?

Uh, this is a condom.

Never seen one.

Linda has secured her spot in the championship.

And now, Walt.

- That's my sweet man. - That's right.

You're scaring them, Walt. They're so scared.

I'm your high school bully.

I'm gonna push you into a locker and dry hump your ass.

Are you crying?

They're crying, Walt.

He the bomb!

Shut up, White girl!

Okay, sorry. That's on me. Sorry.

And comes back to life.

Walt! Walt! Walt!

Am I allowed to say something now?

- Stop talking! - That's fine.

I'm sorry for even asking.

If Walt nails this shot,

this will be his first perfect game on the tour,

which may come as a surprise to most viewers

as he has claimed on this very show

to have had multiple 300 games.

We would like to state once again that he is lying.

He also claims to be Anderson Cooper's cousin.

But skin wise, how does that work?

Yes!

Whoo! Yeah!

Oh, my God, dude, I'm so proud of you.

The only thing that could be better than this

- is a threesome. - Man, you have to let that go.

With your dreams,

'cause you're playing me in the finals.

Wrong.

You're gonna be playing me in the finals.

- And me. - And me.

- Ooh, who are you? - I'm one of Walt's cousins.

- I'll say. - You is?

Hey, look, nigga, I need 36 dollars.

Hello.

I also need a cumberbund, unused.

If I smell cologne on it,

I'ma gonna know it was used in a prom.

Burgundy.

You're from the tall side of the family.

- Yeah. - We're not family.

How you know?

Hmm?

I have both.

- A burgundy cumberbund? - I got it all.

- Burgundy? - Everything.

And the 36 dollars?

And I don't ask any questions.

Let's get it, shawty.

Let's get it, shawty. We a team.

After months of nonstop travel and tournaments,

we are now only days out from the S.L.O.B finals.

This season has been the wildest in the history of the sport.

First, we have the arrival of Walt,

who in any other universe would be the assistant manager

of a T-Mobile kiosk at your local mall.

He has become the new face of the game,

only to see the resurrection

of bowling's greatest superstar, Linda Curson.

We are about to find out if Walt's a flop

or if Linda is past her prime,

'cause looks-wise, she's not,

and personally, I'm willing to give it a go at any point.

Yo.

No.

Good to see you too, Mom. Sure, I'll let myself in.

You really shouldn't smoke.

Oh, drunk girl is giving advice now?

Well, I've been sober for a few...

Hours?

Wow. Okay. I thought I was gonna come here

and we'd have a nice conversation

before the championship, no?

I handed you a pro career and you just drank it away.

And now you're coaching some would-be statistic

whose luck is running out.

God, if you'd only just listened to me.

But here I am at 41...

All right, 43, 45, whatever.

You forced all this on me.

I didn't get to choose what I wanted to do.

You think I would've picked bowling?

Okay. Point taken. But what about after bowling?

You had the chance to turn your life around.

You didn't. You didn't do anything.

I'm sorry, but I just... I wash my hands of this.

You love bowling more than you've ever loved me.

I...

love...

...you.

Well, I hate you.

Suit yourself.

That's enough.

- What? - Not you.

Thank you, goddess.

Oh, my God.

Two months on the road,

two competitors left, for 200,000 dollars.

It's the main event.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

and all the people in between,

welcome to the S.L.O.B strike finals

at the National Bowling Arena. Let's make some noise.

Well, he needs no introduction,

but you're forcing me to give him one.

He is the Black Boy of Bowling, the Loser of the Lanes,

- the Pauper of the Pins. - Nigga, stop playing with me.

Let's make some noise for Walt.

- Hey, Mama. - Hey, boy.

- Say hey to Renee. - Hi.

Leave me alone.

Listen, I am so proud of you, hun.

I mean, I... I don't understand any of this.

Mm-mm, but before I forget...

you owe me two months' rent.

Uh, I, uh, gotta bowl,

so let's talk about this later, huh? Okay.

Square up with me, little nigga!

Funny.

- Walt, let me holla at you. - Are you 21?

'Cause legally, you shouldn't be here if you're not.

Okay, no distractions. Just do everything you're doing.

You got this, okay?

Okay, remember, no distractions.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

That's what's up.

Mm, wish me luck.

All right.

We really should ask which sport they play

when they say they're athletes.

Girl, did you have sushi for lunch?

My bad.

And next up, we have the Dame of Destruction,

the Queen of Kings, the One True Lord,

Linda Curson, "The Crusher!"

Ooh!

Well, this is the final match of the tournament.

And I can feel the excitement

coursing through my very trousers.

Linda Curson versus Walt...

Still haven't gotten the last name.

Competitors, prepare to bowl.

What, are you copying me?

- What, are you copying me? - Are you copying me?

Stop it.

- Stop it. - Stop it.

I'm a big fat idiot.

What... Ah...

I am gonna kill you.

Mm. You are so sexy.

But it will have to be after my threesome

with those beautiful stallions over there.

Oh, ladies? Hmm.

Maybe they went to the bathroom?

Just lose already, will you?

I wanna get home and watch Joe Rogan.

He's interviewing the sick bat that started COVID.

I actually really wanna check out that interview too.

So let's roll.

Don't choke like you did mid-season.

That wasn't me. My balls were messed up, like...

How are your balls, by the way?

Balls, by the way... Balls...

You.

You changed the weight of my ball.

Oh, God, I would never do something like that.

Angelo!

It happens. It happens, folks.

The system's rigged! It's been rigged, I knew it!

Walt.

Hey, Walt. Wait, wait, wait.

No, Skunk, they... they set me up.

Moi?

Of course they did, man. They're... they're White.

And not the good kind of White like me and John Cena,

the bad kind, like Shaun King.

Yeah.

But we got through all that, didn't we?

None of that even matters anymore.

This is it, dude, look around. This is all for you.

Walt! Walt! Walt!

You gotta win this, man, okay?

For you. For me.

But most importantly, Mozell, Alleycatz, okay?

We can do this.

Linda's tough, man, she's great.

But she doesn't know what time it is.

Yeah. It's Nygga Time.

Ah, that is still really hard to digest.

Okay, you got this.

You got this.

Oh! She feel me now, yeah!

Let's go!

This is my house. Tie game. That bat's gonna have to wait.

Don't worry, Linda.

This isn't even your apartment, baby.

Yes! Whoo!

Turkey time.

What a close game.

One missed pin could decide everything.

I've seen Linda sweat before,

but never when she knew I was in the room.

Yes!

Well, that was absolutely necessary

if Walt wanted to make this a contest.

That's a pigeon noise, not a turkey.

Oh, is it?

It actually is a pigeon sound, dude.

Then why do they call pigeons tiny turkeys?

Walt...

Two turkeys happening right now.

Like an interracial couple celebrating Thanksgiving.

Linda is on a tear

that even she in her prime would be jealous of.

And boy, can women be jealous. Mindy, I'm talking about you.

It wasn't a damn plane that hit the Pentagon.

- Whoops. - Hold on there, Rico.

Walt! Walt! Walt!

What about building number seven?

Third building to fall that day, no plane.

- Come on. - Linda! Linda! Linda!

This is the most competitive final

we have ever witnessed.

And I thought I saw Sinbad in the crowd earlier.

Turns out wasn't him.

My apologies again to Andre.

All day.

I think it's time I bring out that special technique.

Are y'all ready for the arm?

Yes.

Ah! Well, it's about time.

Walt gets a niner on his first shot.

Oh, no, honey. We all have bad days, kid.

- Who are you? - Walt!

- And what do you want? - I wanna win!

Nice.

I know you guys can't hear it,

but I have been really handing it

to you two on the telecast,

like making fun of you mercilessly.

And it's so funny, people are losing it.

Hey, where should we all hang afterwards?

Oh, you can ride with me.

I just got a four-door Mazda Miata.

Got it in a police auction. Creamy green. Yeah.

I feel like I'm interrupting. All right.

Four-door?

Sometimes I even get bored when I'm out on the lane.

I'm like, "Hello? Are we there yet?"

Do you know that movie, um, Ice Cube?

Did you see that one? Oh, you have? That's great.

- You guys. - Oh, look who's here.

You're so funny.

Listen, I did wanna say though, good game.

And congratulations on your return.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh.

Wait, sorry, buzz, buzz, buzz.

Hold on. Sorry. Hey, Dad, what's up?

How's Sharon doing?

Oh, she's such a good fit for you.

And that body's nuts, huh?

- All right. That's enough. - I love you. I love Sharon.

Yeah, Sharon, bye.

She's my stepmom, but she's so much more.

Man, I wish there was a word that meant more than stepmom.

- I mean, mom. - Bitch, that means a lot.

That's for a female dog and Sharon.

No, I'm not at a farm, I already told you.

All right, Daddy, I love you so much. Okay.

- Bye-bye. - Man, love that guy.

Oh, yeah. How's Sharon?

- She's great. - Oh, good.

Crazy, like...

- Butt... yeah. - Tiny.

A little bit anorexic. Just a tab.

I mean, whatever works, you know?

Okay, yeah. You need to go now.

Mm-hmm.

Come on, Linda, you got this.

No!

You got this! I love you, Mama! You go, girl!

Hmm.

- Your mom is sexy. - Shut up, dude.

- I'm just saying, she's got it. - Nope.

Well, this is really something.

We have got ourselves

a good old-fashioned nailbiter here, folks.

So whoever wins will have an amazing story.

Is this Curson's return to the throne?

Will Walt lose and fulfill his destiny

as a mechanic who never quite fixes your car properly?

We'll find out when we come back,

returning to the tenth frame of the S.L.O.B championship.

I don't know what to do, Skunk. She's good.

- Really good. - I know,

but everything that we have been training for

- is for this moment, okay? - Mm-hmm.

Everything we've gone through is for this.

- Yeah. - Okay?

Hey, have you seen those two girls I was with earlier?

Yeah, man, they left.

They told me to tell you they, uh, charged your Uber account.

I have to start protecting my heart more.

We are back at the S.L.O.B Strike Championship,

sponsored by Big Tobacco. If you like your tobacco big,

look no further than Big Tobacco.

We have a dead heat here

between two unlikely competitors.

And it has really become anyone's game

in the tenth frame. Walt is up first.

Walt! Walt! Walt!

You can feel the tension in the air

as Walt gets ready to open the tenth frame.

Three strikes here would make Walt our champion,

but a single miss would leave the door open

for Curson to win.

Just like her famous comeback at the championships in 1992.

And I'm leaving my door open so Linda can come...

You know what? No, that... that's too far.

- Whoo! - Whoa.

Just like a straightening comb on a stove,

Walt is off to a hot start.

Two more of those and this thing is done.

Walt! Walt! Walt!

This kid is not crumbling under the pressure.

All that's standing between Walt

and a championship are ten more pins.

He's about to go all 187 on Curson's hopes of winning.

Bowling is what you were put on this earth to do.

- Hey, Mama. - Hey.

Oh, no. Look at you!

- I love this. - Yes!

Oh, a miss! What a time to fall short.

All Linda Curson needed was a sliver of hope.

And now, as she's done many times before,

it looks like she's gonna come roaring back

to win this thing.

Just like racism in America, this is over.

- I'm sorry. - You're golden.

If you win, you have to have sex with me.

Ah, boom!

This was never gonna be yours.

Ah, boom!

She wins, she wins! Oh, my God. She wins!

Oh, my God. Linda wins.

Not surprised, but balance has been restored.

And proving once and for all

that women came be useful after 40.

We did it.

And I just wanna thank all of you who had my back

and who believed that I could come back and do this.

And also, well, I want to thank my competitor, Walter,

who I really think could be something someday,

like a garbage man or a janitor in Wakanda.

What?

And then my Skunky, my little girl.

Thank you so much. Come on, stand up.

That's a girl. Stand up, up.

Oh, well, she's a little shy.

Oh, now he's shy. Well, anyway, thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What's good?

Oh, nothing much.

You were good out there.

- It was all right. - Mm.

I know what I messed up. But... hey,

wouldn't have gotten this far without you, so thank you.

You would've.

And you deserve every minute of this.

Man, I just cannot beat her.

It's not about that anymore.

And you've definitely matured during this process

and you taught me a lot, you know?

I think the moral of the story really is...

What were you saying?

Can I key this?

Buddy, you gotta.

Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Just because, you know?

Yeah, she saw this coming. She had to, right?

- She can't be that upset. - Nah.

Well, you gonna need a job now that the season's over?

Absolutely.

Well, how long can you kneel under a table?

As long as you need me to.

Okay, we gotta get the hell outta here

before she comes out here.

But I do have to get my coat.

- Huh? Walt. - And my bowling bag.

I'm so sorry, Mozell.

We really, really tried.

Yeah, I love this place, really.

If I could do it all over again, you know I would.

Well, I had my time here.

But I think God is telling me

to open a small gun range in my garage.

Whatever you do, Mozell, just remember, I need a job.

You're a pro bowler now. What are you talking about?

Mm-mm, if I don't succeed at something immediately,

I'm through. That's why I can't read.

You're so brave.

You... you won yourself a little bit of money, huh?

- So, what you gonna do with it? - Uh...

- Well, get this. - Mm-hmm?

Did you know we needed to pay taxes on money if you won it?

Because really, you know, I lost.

I... I don't have any money, that's what I'm saying.

Ah. Here it is! I got it. I got the good news.

Mm-mm, dude, we don't have time

to read your revisions to the Bible.

We just wanna enjoy our last night in this building.

I greet you all with the trumpets

of the mighty Seraphim sounding behind me.

I did some research on this building

because I knew that something historic

had happened to our people at Alleycatz.

- What? What was it? - Uh, nothing actually.

It's a pretty standard building

except for that time that B2K's uncle stopped by

to use the bathroom while on tour.

I remember that.

Yeah, then it dawned on me.

- Read it, my Vantablack victor. - Mm-hmm.

Uh...

Nice effort, buddy. Yeah.

"With the undeniable contributions

of Walt becoming the city's first

African American championship losing bowler,

the committee hereby declares Alleycatz Bowling Alley

a historic landmark, as its preservation is critical

in the legacy of the commonwealth."

"With such status, very minimal changes

may be made to the building,

and major tax incentives will be enacted

to keep ownership from changing hands."

"A plaque with Walt's face

and the words 'Championship Loser'

shall be engraved into the entrance of the building."

Wait, this means...

By Walt losing, he saved the Alley!

Oh, thank you, Jesus.

You little losing freak!

- Yeah. Yeah. - Whoo!

Maybe we could get that plaque to say, you know,

"Pro Bowler," or something.

They suggested that down at City Hall, but I decided

it should have your official title on it, brother.

- Well, we can still change it. - It's too late.

It's being made as we speak. Let us rejoice.

- Whoo! - Change the damn plaque!

Are you wearing that gold chain

or is that gold chain wearing you?

Y'all ain't heard of it.

Toughen up!

You all right? Breathe.

Your form was off and you know it.

You have bad breath.

There's something wrong with your teeth.

You did such a good job today. Other than you...

Where's that big forehead, small eye Walt at?

Hey!

Okay, kids. All right, boys and girls.

Disciples, let's go this way.

Quit pointing out my two biggest insecurities, nigga.

Who asking 'bout me?

Billy Slick, the first Black man

to win a championship in bowling.

Billy Slick is about to get slapped with Walt.

Ah, that's his name.

It's been on the tip of my tongue this whole time.

Come here, nigga.

You ain't the only nigga in them lanes no more, playboy.

Who else is gonna be there?

Talking about us.

- Oh. - Oh, okay.

- I'm so scared. - Yeah.

Well, check out my boys.

The Three Kings. Get them lanes.

Yes.

We have already qualified for the tour,

so if I was you, I'd stay here.

Unless you're gonna go up there and get your feelings hurt.

Corny nigga.

Walt. Walter.

No, we gonna take care of these niggas... easy.

What about us?

What you gonna do about all of us, bro?

Um...

Who are you?

We're the non-binary bowlers.

We'll never figure them out.

They're so frickin' mysterious.

Yeah, we gonna have to handle this.

Okay, yeah, I know. I have two guns.

I'll put one in the top of the toilet for you.

Handle this on tour.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Yeah, I'm with you. Duh.

I do not know how to be tough like this.