All language subtitles for Sean.Lock.Purple.Van.Man.2013.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
onto the stage, Sean Lock.

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

This programme contains very
strong language and adult humour.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Thank you!

Hello! Hammersmith! Thank you!

Thank you for coming out tonight.

Saturday night! Excited?

Lovely to be here.

I've been touring for a while now,
shows have gone pretty well.

There's only one place I won't go
back to, that's Guildford,

not going back to Guildford.

That's a terrible blues song,
isn't it?

# I'm not going back
to Guildford... #

I don't know what
it is in Guildford,

they just don't like laughing.
They don't, they don't.

If you smile at someone
in Guildford,

they look at you like
you've got mental health issues.

You go, "Hello!" They go,
"Ooh, what's the matter with you?"

Basically, they stared at me
like they were looking out

the windows of a bus
replacement service.

You never see anyone smiling
out of a bus replacement service,

do you? Going, "This is brilliant!

"Much better than the train."

"Because you visit so
many different villages."

They looked like my dad looked

when he found out what
his pension was worth.

I love my wife, I love my kids,
I'm a very lucky man, I do admit,

I'm a very lucky man.

CHEERING

She's not even in.

No, but there are times I do
miss the old days, you know,

before I was married, I think
the thing I miss most of all

about being single is the songs
you sing when you're single.

You know the songs you sing?

When you're just walking round your
house and you start singing a song?

# I'm going to put the kettle on
and make a cup of tea now! #

# I might have a biscuit
or a crisp sandwich. #

You can't do that when you live
with other people, can you?

Because they don't want to see that.

They want to think you've
got your shit together.

I say I love my wife,
sometimes I'm not sure.

Well, the symptoms of being in love,
shortness of breath,

light headedness,
inability to concentrate,

are exactly the same symptoms
as carbon monoxide poisoning,

aren't they?

So I said, "I think I love you,

"but should we just get the boiler
serviced just in case?"

"Come here!"

"Ow!"

No, I do, I love her very much, but
she upset me this last Christmas,

because what she did was,

she was giving me
my Christmas present

and before I'd opened it, she said,

"Oh, you do know, by the way,
you do know it's very hard

"to find presents for
a man of your age."

And I found that quite hurtful

and if there are any men of
my age here, a bit of advice,

be very careful what
you show enthusiasm for

in the weeks before Christmas.

You show the slightest enthusiasm
or interest, in anything,

you're getting that
for Christmas, OK?

You know, the most innocuous
comment, she can be going up to bed,

you say, "I'll be up in a minute,
I'm just going to watch the news."

"Ooh...

"..he likes the news."

And you'll get a biography
of Huw Edwards.

"What a guy.

"Ooh, he's never had
an X-ray, I didn't know that."

One time, we were out walking in the
countryside and there was a bird

hovering in the sky and she said,
"Oh, is that a buzzard?"

I said, "No, that's a kestrel."

She said, "I didn't know
you knew about that."

I said, "Yeah, a little bit, stuff
like that, little bit."

Cut to six months later,

I'm standing in a field,
got a big leather glove on.

Cube of meat on a string.

"Yeah, I'm having a great day!

"It's like you read my mind!

"Ah! Get it off me! Get it off!"

I didn't do that, I didn't do that!

Don't want to upset the greenies.

One time, I got a fish tank.
I opened this fish tank, I said,

"Why? What did I say? What?"

Because I'd been really
careful at that point,

I'd been, you know,
"What did I say?"

She said, "Remember you went
in the pet shop,

"you were staring
at the fish for ages!"

I said, "Yeah, because
it was pissing with rain!"

From about October to December

I don't say anything
positive about anything.

One time, we got a ferry in October,

and you know ferries are normally an
awful, crap, dismal experience?

It was a ferry from Holland,

really nice ferry, really clean,
new, the food was really good

and everything was really nice.

I was about to say,

"Oh, cor, this is a nice ferry,
isn't it?"

And I thought "Uh-oh, no,
don't say that, don't say that."

Because I had this image
on Christmas morning

of opening an envelope and
pulling out a golden ferry ticket.

"A magical, VIP day out
on the ferry.

"Help the captain steer
the ferry out of port.

"Wave the cars onto the deck.

"Sing a song with the group
Liquid Motion."

The other day I intercepted her,

I intercepted her
ordering me some bees!

"Yeah, what do the...?

"Obviously the bees come second,
the hive first."

I just grabbed the phone,
"We don't want any bees, go away!"

I said, "Why you ordering me bees?"

"You were going on about
the plight of the honey bee.

"How it's terrible how people
don't plant flowers any more,

"they deck their gardens,

"the honey bee's
struggling to survive,

"and soon, when that happens, the
whole of the society will collapse.

"You were going on about it!"

I said, "Yeah, but what you're
mistaking there is I like moaning."

I don't give a shit about bees.

I can't tell the difference
between bees and wasps,

I just kill anything I see!

I think one of the things that I'm
most known for is my enquiring mind.

That's one of the things people
always say about me,

"Here comes Sean with
his enquiring mind."

The other day I was watching
television and you know

those Compare The Market,
compare the meerkat ads?

I was watching that and I thought,

"How come that's OK that they've got
a Russian, Eastern European accent?

"How come that's fine?
Nobody objects to that."

I thought if those
meerkats were Chinese

there'd be uproar, wouldn't there?
If they came out and went

IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT:
"You want cheaper car insurance?

IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT:
"You go compare market dot com.

IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT:
"You blurry iriot."

They go, "Whoa! What you doing?

"You can't do that."

Or they were Mexican,

IN MOCK MEXICAN ACCENT:
"If you want to compare meerkats,

"come to meerkat dot com.

"You can compare meerkats
like my sister.

Where really meerkats
are from Africa,

it should be an African voice,
shouldn't it?

IN MOCK AFRICAN ACCENT:
"For cheaper car insurance..."

"Whoa!

"What do you think you're
doing? Stop him now."

And the reason that
I mention that is I realised

something quite profound the other
day, I was at home and bored,

I wasn't wearing these clothes,
I was wearing my normal clothes,

I started checking the labels
on my clothes like that...

And I realised something like,
at that moment I realised

if it wasn't for the Chinese,
I would have been naked.

Yep.

All my clothes were made
in China, everything,

even my pants were made in China.

Yeah? And they're not
like Chinesey pants,

they haven't got dragons on them
or anything like that.

Just an ordinary pair of pants.

Then I realised my phone was made in
China, my telly was made in China.

I've got an IKEA table,
I assumed Sweden. No, China.

I worked out, I'm virtually Chinese.

The only thing I haven't got
is the accent, right.

But if I start doing that going,

IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT:
"Herrow, I'm Shawrn Lock."

People go, "What are you doing?"

I think, "How can
I possibly be racist?

"I bloody love China.
I'm obsessed with the place."

Ideally I'd live in a pagoda.

I don't think you can be racist
about a country that's more

economically powerful than you. In
fact, the way our economy's going,

soon it'll be racist
to do our voices. Yeah.

People in Beijing going,
"Hello, I'm from London."

They'll go, "Ooh!
Not comfortable with that!"

I don't think the Chinese are
bothered what accents we're doing.

All they want to know is,
all they want to know is,

how much shit we want,
that's what they want to know.

"How much shit you want?"

"As much as you've got, we love it,
keep sending it over.

"Can't get enough of it."

"OK."

"Make more shit!"

"You got enough shit yet?"

"No, we just used up that last lot
you sent us, keep it coming.

"We love it, yeah!"

"Bloody hell.

"Come on, no time for sleeping, got
to make shit for people in West.

"Can't even make their
own fucking pants."

"Hang on, how you going to
pay for all this shit?"

"Er, we were going to borrow
the money from you."

"Ha-ha-ha!"

"It's funny, right, we make shit,
we sell them shit,

"now we give them money to buy shit.

"Well, you find funny when
have day off in December."

No, cos you have to face facts,

the Chinese are slowly
taking over the world.

They're not doing it like we tried
to do in a big imperialistic sweep,

they're doing it the smart,
the clever way,

slowly buying everything up.

And you'll notice subtle
differences in your lives,

little things will change,

like one day you'll notice
there's less prongs on your fork.

And they'll buy up all the pubs
and all the pub names will change.

You'll still call
it the White Hart,

"I'm going to the White Hart,

"I refuse to call it the
Infinite Stillness of Water".

And you go to your greetings card
shop, there's a special section,

"Commiserations on
birth of daughter."

Aww.

"She bring much shame on family."

Aww.

And it'll affect every
aspect of our lives,

it'll affect culture because
you surrender so much control

and power to them.

An example is Christmas crackers.

I've known for years the actual
crackers were made in China

but I always thought the jokes
were written in this country

but I think they're doing that
in China now

cos I pulled a cracker
this Christmas and

I'll just say at this point
I'm not a fan of crackers,

I've been campaigning
to get rid of them for years.

I think they're a dull, joyless,

pointless experience
from start to finish.

If there was any pleasure
to be had from a cracker,

you'd have them at other times
of the year, wouldn't you?

Any, just the slightest pleasure,
you'd go, "Oh, happy birthday!

"Do you want to pull a cracker?"

"Dave and Sue are
coming round later."

"OK, I'll go to the off-licence...

"Shall I get some crackers?"

"Yeah, let's get some crackers
and have a bloody laugh."

But you don't, cos they're shit,
aren't they?

The cracker I pulled this Christmas,

the bang wouldn't have made
a kitten look up.

The paper hat didn't
make me look like a king,

I didn't look like a king, no.

I looked like a grill chef in a
service station like this...

On his third warning like that...

"Do you want egg? Do you want egg?"

The toy inside was
a set of miniature,

tiny, tiny screwdrivers,

tiny, tiny screwdrivers
that don't fit anything!

I'd have preferred nothing, then I
wouldn't have had a trip to the bin.

But what did my head in,
what ruined Christmas, was the joke,

this was the joke in the cracker.

What did the ghost sing at
the snowman's birthday party?

Right. And the punch line is,
freeze a jolly good fellow.

I think if you enjoyed that you've
come to the wrong show, but anyway.

My point is there's no need
for a ghost in that joke.

That's a superfluous,
unnecessary ghost,

that joke works perfectly well
without the ghost.

What do you sing at a
snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Why is there a fucking ghost in
there? Who put a ghost in there?

And my theory at the
cracker factory in China,

there's loads of people writing
puns, there's a foreman.

A fellow goes, "I've got one."
"What is it?"

"What do you sing at a
snowman's birthday party?

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Foreman goes, "Hmm, I don't like it.
Put a ghost in there."

And that's the power
we've surrendered to them.

They could just start sticking
ghosts in things willy-nilly.

You know dragons,
whatever the fuck they want,

they can just, you know.

Imagine if you did that
with other jokes,

like a horse walks into a pub
and the ghost behind the bar,

you'd go, "What?"

Horse is thinking, "I thought I was
the novelty in this joke, you know?

"I'm a beer-drinking horse, but no.

"There's a fucking ghost
working behind the bar."

And I'm ignoring the absurdity of a
snowman having a birthday party,

I've left that alone,
I'm not touching that.

Where on Earth is a snowman
going to live to one?

Maybe in the Arctic,
but when it snows,

Eskimos do not scurry out
of the igloos and go,

"Hey-hey, it's snowing,
let's make a man!"

No, they go, "It's fucking
snowing again, isn't it?

"Why do we live here?"

"You won't look at those brochures
for Tenerife, will you?"

All I'm saying is we've got to think
about the consequences of that.

You know, we do get
all this cheap stuff,

but the standard of comedy is
going to go downhill, you know?

Maybe we should pay a bit more and
have a laugh, that's all I'm saying.

That's literally all I'm saying.

I'll tell you another way
of putting it,

the other day I went to buy
some trainers, right,

and in the end I settled on a
pair of New Balance trainers

because they're made
in this country.

And they're a bit more expensive,
but to me it was worth it

to pay those few extra quid
to be safe in the knowledge

that a kid in China is out of a job.

If I can put one child on the dole,
bloody proud of myself.

I've just started
believing in God, as well,

I've just got into that.

Yay! Wey-hey!

Yeah, I've just got into that,

and actually that's the reason
I'm on tour,

so, er, if you've been
enjoying the show up to this point,

after this bit,
it gets a bit messagey.

But I think the difference between me
and most religious people

is I don't take it that seriously,
you know.

I sort of...
Some days I'm into it, other days...

HE MURMURS

Some days I wear a veil,
other days I don't eat pork.

Comme ci, comme ca, yeah?

But it's done one
brilliant thing, actually,

since I've begun believing in God,

a really positive benefit
in my life,

which is I've stopped using
the exclamation "Jesus Christ!"

as often as I used to, because I
used to use it far too often.

I couldn't find my keys,
I'd go, "Oh, Jesus Christ!

"I can't find my keys, grrr!"

Or I'd go to the supermarket, I
haven't got a pound for the trolley,

like that,
"Oh, Jesus Christ!

"Grrr!

"Thanks, God, nice one(!)

"Are you trying to starve my family?

"Is it some kind of test?

"Grrr!"

Or I sit down to eat my dinner,
it's all cooked, all ready,

then I realise there's no pepper
in the grinder.

"Oh, Jesus Christ!

"Now I've got to get
all the little balls out,

"they go over the fucking floor!

"My life is shit!"

Or I walk past the radio,
the news is on.

"The price of stamps
will be going up from Tuesday."

"Oh, Jesus Christ!

"That's all I need!

"That's going to cost me
60p a year!"

Or I'll be in the shower, like that.

"Hang on, that doesn't feel right.

"Oh, it's fucking conditioner,
isn't it?

"Jesus Christ!

"Look what you've done!

"Shiny hair for a week!

"And once it's in, it's in!

"There's no anti-conditioner
to take it out...

"because you didn't invent it!"

I've stopped doing that. That's good

a positive move in
the right direction, yeah?

Of course, in the religion that
I have invented,

there are times where
you can use the exclamation,

like if your house is being
enveloped by lava from a volcano.

"Oh, Jesus Christ," you know.

Or you go to the Pamplona bull run
where they run the bulls

through the streets, and you get
a stitch, "Oh, Jesus Christ.

"Oh, Jes... Not now.

"Too much bloody tapas,
that's what it is!

"Cos you think
they're just little plates,

"but you just keep eating, don't you?

"I've probably had
about five dinners."

Or you're on a plane
and you see someone

trying to light their shoes
like that.

"Jesus Christ,
he's trying to light his shoes!"

I think that's how they do it...

the light-hearted wing of Al-Qaeda.

Or... Or you're a centaur, right?
You're a centaur,

come with me on this one, um...

You know, you're human
from there to there,

there to there is human,
the rest of you is horse,

but you're facing the wrong way!

"Argh!

"Jesus Christ!

"Where are we going?!

"Arghhh!

"Whoa boy, whoa! Whoa, whoa.

"Arghh!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That'd be... That'd be a nightmare
scenario, wouldn't it, that would?

Imagine just trying to eat
a bit of grass,

how difficult that would be.

"I'm starving."

You'd have to... Both of you would
have to lie down on your side

on the forest floor, wouldn't you?

Both of you have to
lie down like that.

And the horse bit would be there,
you'd lie there,

just for a little snack in the day,

like, num-num-num-num-num.

Imagine how vulnerable you'd feel?

That's probably why they died out.

And, of course, the humany bit
wouldn't like grass, would he?

"It's disgusting."

HE SPITS

"How do you eat that shit?

"Can I have a curry?"

The horse goes, "Do you want to
see me after a curry?

"Do you want to see me
after a curry?"

"Arghhhhhh!"

So you've got a dilemma there,
haven't you?

You've got the taste buds of a human,
the digestive system of a horse.

Yeah, you've got a problem,
haven't you?

I accept I'm not a scientist,
I know I'm not a scientist,

but what is a scientist?

It's just somebody who thinks
about stuff

then chooses to back up their
thoughts with evidence and facts.

Only difference between me and a
scientist, I don't feel the need.

I'm not so insecure I need to back
up what I say, I just say it.

Bleurrrgh!

And I've been forced into this
position by my children.

I've got three young children

and they ask me questions all day
long about everything under the sun

and I don't know a lot of stuff,
I really don't.

I don't. I don't know.

I read a lot, but usually
when I get to the interesting bit,

I remember something embarrassing
and go, "Uhhh!"

And they'll ask me questions
about science and things like that,

and for a while I thought
our house was being haunted

by my old physics teacher

and he's just going round
the house going, "Woooooo!

"Ask your dad about magnets.
Heh-heh-heh!

"Heh-heh-heh!"

Good use of a ghost in a joke,
I feel.

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

And they'll come up to me
and ask me about magnets and gravity

and I can't explain them,
but I don't like saying,

"I don't know, beats me,
ask your mum,"

it wears away at my self-esteem.

So I just lie,
I make shit up, you know?

They'll say magnets,
so I'll go, "Magnets, er, well...

"You know when you go to school
and some kids you're pleased to see,

"other kids you're
not that bothered about?

"Metal's a bit like that."

They're happy with that. They have no
idea. "Gravity? Gravity? Oh, yeah.

"You know when an apple falls
out of a tree?

"It creates a force that sends
the birds up in the air.

"Because apples are heavier
than birds, as we all know.

"Birds are made of feathers,
everyone knows that.

"Solid feather,
right the way through.

"And the earth's got a core,
that's right, it's got a core...

"it's trying to get
all the apples back...

"..to make cider for God!
That's right! Yeah!"

"A verb? A verb?

"I think that's an old cockney
word for a tenner. Yeah.

" 'Here, that slag owes me a verb.'

" 'Here, George, put a verb
on that horse for us, will you?' "

They ask me about Velcro, I
have this vague notion

it's to do with the Apollo missions.

I said, "Velcro?

"It grows on the moon,
it grows on the moon, yeah.

"Basically, it's moon grass,
that's what it is really.

"That's why the astronauts
walk like that."

I just don't know.

I don't... I don't even understand
how yogurt works.

I don't understand it.

It's off and it's got bacteria,
but it's good for you.

What the fucking...?

But the questions keep coming
and they get madder and madder.

"Dad, why can't we smell noises?"

What?

"If we can see our face in water,
can we drink mirrors?"

So what I do is I just lie,
I just lie, you know,

and it makes me feel better
about myself and, erm,

I'll save on university fees,
you know, so...

There's a theory of parenting that
you should never lie to your kids.

There's a theory you should
never ever lie to your children.

Apart from Father Christmas, the
tooth fairy and how hot the food is.

That's fair enough, isn't it?

If they've been giving you a
difficult day, it's a bit of payback.

"Those fish fingers, yes,
they've been out a while now,

"work away on those, yeah."

HE SNIGGERS

It's the new smacking, is what it is.

It's perfectly legal,
they can't touch you, I've checked.

But there is a theory you should
never lie to your kids.

I lie to my children all the time.

I was putting my daughter to bed

and she said, "Daddy,
are there monsters under my bed?"

and I said "Yes.

"Ooh, there's terrible monsters
under your bed,

"you don't want to bump
into those fellas.

"Ho-ho-ho!

"And if you put your feet down on
the bedroom floor at any point,

"they'll reach out, grab your ankles
and drag you under the bed.

"And they'll take you off into
a labyrinth of turds and wasps.

"And he's on duty until seven o'clock
in the morning, seven o'clock.

"Seven o'clock. Seven.

"So if you wake up at quarter to
seven, just wait 15 minutes

"before you come and disturb
your mummy and your daddy.

"In fact, I think he's...
he's coming on duty now!

"Stay on the bed, stay on the bed!

"Grrr, get out of it, you!
Stay on...

"Pass me Mr Tiddles! Get out of it!

"Stay on the bed, stay on the bed!
Good night."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And some people say
that's not ideal parenting.

But, em, I think it's better
than the alternative,

which is to tell
the truth, isn't it?

So they say, "Daddy,
are there monsters under the bed?"

You say, "There's no monsters
under the bed, don't be silly."

Then they'll say,
"Are there monsters outside?"

If you tell the truth, you have to
go, "Yeah, there are,

"but they don't look like monsters,

"they look like ordinary
men and women.

"Bit like your mummy and your daddy,
actually.

"But they're capable
of terrible things.

"Anyway, good night."

If there's anyone from social
services, I don't do that.

Anyway, so I'm in this bike shop,
and...

I don't know how else
to bring it up really...um...

I had my bike stolen.

And as anyone here who's had
their bike stolen will know,

there's no chance of getting the bike
back or anyone getting punished.

We've got a very laid-back attitude
towards bike theft in this country.

We treat it a bit like they do
cannabis in Amsterdam.

I'm sure there's guidebooks to
Britain which go,

DUTCH ACCENT: "Hey, come to Britain,
they love it
if you steal their bikes.

"Those crazy Brits love
nothing better than

"you ride off with their brand-new
bike...

"Come to the British
bike stealing festival.

"And ride off with their brand-new
bikes."

Cos I regularly see fellas
riding along, they've got one bike,
and they're holding another bike.

Which they've obviously just nicked.

But people just go, "Oh, look,
he's nicked a bike."

Like it's an old pastime. Yeah?

Unless he has such a vivid
relationship with his imaginary
friend he bought it a bike.

So anyway, I'm in the bike shop,
and I was attracted towards this

ladies' bike. I thought
I quite liked it, y'know.

Cos I like the step through.
I quite like that.

But the guy in the bike shop was
going, "Yeah, but it's a ladies'
bike, you should get this hybrid

"multi-terrain thing" and I'm,
"Yeah, but this is nice, isn't it,

"you put that - and the saddle, lots
of room on the saddle, isn't there?

"And you can put all your stuff
in that basket thing there.

"It's a brilliant bike."
And he's going, "Yes,
but it's a ladies' bike".

And he really pissed me off,
I didn't buy a bike in the end.

I can understand if I went to
Marks and Spencer's for a vest,

came out in a basque, you know,
have a word...

So I've been using the rental bikes,
you know the rental bikes they've
got, they've got all over London,

they're brilliant. The only problem
is I refuse to call them Boris Bikes.

I go to someone's house, they say,
"How did you get here?"

"I came on one of the rental bikes."
They say, "Boris bikes?"

"No, I don't call them that."
And it's just tense.

I don't see why he gets credit
for something he had nothing

to do with, you know, it just
happened to happen on his watch.

He doesn't take the credit for
other things.

They're not called the Boris Riots,
are they?

He didn't know there was
anybody IN London in August.

"Why aren't they all in Tuscany?"

I'll call them Boris Bikes

when I can park one in his fat arse
like that, Prrrp!

And I don't...
I'm not a fan of Boris.

Because he's one of those people
who's

brilliant on television but you don't
really know what he's capable of,

I find him quite a sinister,
scary man.

He doesn't really say what
he believes in, I think

he's capable of anything,
and David Cameron's very similar,

he's very good on television,
you don't know what he's capable of.

And the reason I mention it is
the alternative is so piss poor,

it's going to be one of those two,
isn't it?

Cos Ed Miliband, there's
no way you could have

Ed Miliband as Prime Minister,
it would be cruel, it would be cruel.

To put him on his own in a room with
Vladimir Putin would be cruelty.

Vladimir Putin would just stick
his fingers up his nostrils

and start dragging him around.

Booting him up the arse.

Ed Miliband would get bullied
in the Night Garden.

Igglepiggle'd just go...

And he's such a strange-looking man,
isn't he?

To me, he looks like a startled
Hawaiian lesbian. Doesn't he?

You know when you come across one
in a clearing? They just...

And I think he said it, somebody
said it in a speech recently

and I thought it was
a very good thing about politics -

we should all think about
what sort of world

we want to live in,
what sort of world.

I think that's a very good question
to ask people to help them choose

who to vote for. And I started to
think more and more about this, what

sort of world do I want to live in,
help me choose which political party

to get behind, and I realised, for
example, I want to live in a world,

I want to live in a world
where George Foreman
actually makes those grills.

He's in a shed with loads of
oxyacetylene burning stuff, bzzz,
soldering kit.

Grr, arh, vrroooooom!
Erna erna erna, clunk.

Fella pops his head round the door
and goes "George,

"we need more of them grills!

"We got an order here for 2,000
grills, you better hurry up, George."

George goes, "What d'ya think I'm
doing man, I'm making fucking grills!

"I'm having problems
with the detachable drip tray
for easy cleaning."

"Motherfucker won't clip on right!"

"You finish this goddamn grill,
I'm gonna start another one!"

Grrrr, erna, erna, erna!

"Sometimes I wish I'd never had
the idea for making grills!

"Cos I make 'em so damn good."

Yeah, I want to live in a world
where if you put your name

to something it's cos you made it.

David Beckham has to make the pants
that he sells with his name.

Imagine if you were wearing a pair
of pants made by David Beckham.

Actually they'd probably just have
one hole for the leg

and you'd be walking round
like that...

"Yeah, yeah, got these new
Beckham pants, what d'you reckon?
They're pretty...

"I look pretty cool in them,
I think."

That's the sort of world
I want to live in.

This is really personal to me,

I want to live in a world where
a doctor doesn't need to get

a long fibreoptic cable,
with another cable attached to it

which they don't tell you about -
two cables - get two cables

and force them down your tiny little
dry pee hole,

into your bladder

just to tell you
everything's all right.

Doesn't need to get two cables
and force them

down, deep down inside you...
You know, you think about all

the medical advancements that have
been made, leaps in medical science,

and we're still sticking cables
down a man's penis. You know?

Incredible leaps have been made,
but on that area - naaah,

that's fine, just stick cables
down there. Y'know?

They wouldn't have done that on the
deck of the Victory.

Sawing people's legs off,
cutting them open, they go,
"Shall we stick the cable down..."

"No! For Christ's sake!

"That's horrendous!"

I want them to come up with something
less medieval,

y'know. Probably everyone goes,
"Shall we do something about

"this cable down the cock thing?"
"Naaah, it's just men.

"He's gonna do something
horrible with his cock anyway,
you know, sod it."

Y'know. Force two cables down what
I would never describe as a hole,

I would never call that a hole.

If you saw that anywhere else you
wouldn't go, "There's a hole there."

If you saw it on a bit
of skirting board you wouldn't go,

"Oh, brilliant, we can run the cables
through there, that's lovely,
that is."

"That's handy, we'll save on
drilling, we'll just get them

"through there,
we'll knock off early."

"That's not a hole, Len!"
"It is a hole, you hold it straight,

"I'll get it in, that's
a bloody hole, that is."

It's not a hole.
It's a very deep crack.

And in the process, ruin your penis.
My penis is ruined,

they've ruined it, it's not...

It's not immediately obvious.
Over time you realise.

If I go for a piss now
it takes about half a second.

It's like emptying
a bucket of water, just...plooosh!

"Sorry about that. Do apologise.

"Normally I use the cubicles
but it was busy.

"But look what they did to it, look
what they did to it! It's ruined.

"You can keep tennis balls
up there.

"It's like a floppy Pringles tube."

Another thing, right,
another thing that bugs me -

I want to live in a world where
cats respect fencing. You know?

If dogs were jumping around
from garden to garden you'd say,

"Sort your bloody dog out,
what's going on?

"Jumping round and round the garden,
scared the shit out of everyone!"

You could chain it up. They go, "You
can't chain a cat up." Yes, you can!

You can chain anything up! You
get it, and you put a chain on it.

If you can put soap on a rope
you can put a chain on a cat
as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, you don't need to,
I've invented something.

Brilliant solution, it's a box,
a long narrow box, you put

the cat in the box - at the end
of the box there's a hole
for the cat's head,

at the bottom of the box there's
four holes for the cat's legs.

And it can enjoy all of your garden.

It can enjoy every corner
of your garden.

And you can paint
the box the same colour as the cat,
so it's not embarrassed.

But as soon as
it wants to leave your garden,
climb out, it's impeded by the box.

And there you've got a solution.
Because I am sick

and tired of looking out of my
kitchen window, and there's a cat

staring at me like I'm something
dripping off a toilet brush.

Utter contempt on its face.

Looks at me like I've built my home
on an ancient cat burial ground...

"He has desecrated the resting place
of the elders."

I don't let them settle.
As soon as I see one,

literally whatever I'm doing - I see
one, coffee cup down, like that...

out the door... Hsssssssssth!
Hsssssssth! Hsssssssth!

Hsssssssth! Hssth!

Hssth!

But that can be quite awkward
cos I could be having a civilised

conversation with a neighbour
I barely know.

"Just moved to the area.

"Yes, we'd love to come round
for the barbecue, that's very...

"On Tuesday? Yes, yes...

"Excuse me a minute.
Hsssssssssth!"

Cos they don't like that, cats,
cats do not like that.

To be honest, most people don't.
There's very few...

There's very few people you can go,
"Hssssssth!"

and they go, "Be over in a sec."

In fact, I use it in traffic
instead of swearing.

Someone cuts me up, I don't swear.

If someone cuts me up I just go,
"Hssssssth!"

Cos they're never sure whether they
saw that or not. "Did I see that?"

You really get in their minds,
y'know?

And after you've done it,
return to a sort of cheery smile,

go, "Hisssssssth!"

Get right in there!

I want to live in a world
where you're not allowed
to advertise to children.

No advertising to kids. It's not on.

People come into my home, uninvited,
through the medium of television

and they wave shiny shit
in my kids' faces, right?

And it's not fair. We can defend
ourselves against advertising,

we can make judgements
and choices and decisions.

Children can't do that, they can't
do that, cos they're fucking idiots.

They're morons,
they're thick as pig shit.

If you put a picture of Shrek
on a bag of gravel, they want it.

Big hammock of snot
hanging under their chin.

If all advertising was door to door,

if you could only advertise door to
door, you wouldn't tolerate it.

If someone knocked on your door
and you opened it and they went,

"Can I speak to your seven-year-old
daughter, please?"

Bring her out and he bends down,
ignores you and goes,

"Look, it's a My Pretty Polly Pocket
mini vanity valise set and that
spins round and that opens up

"and there's measurers in there
and you can collect characters
and play with your friends."

After a while, you'd go, "Fuck off.

"Sorry, Daddy's said it
again, hasn't he?

"Still, you'll hear it at school
soon enough. Or they will."

Cos you never think
you're the source, do you?

Yeah, it'd be great if all
advertising was done door to door.

Especially when celebrities do
adverts, cos that'd be great.

You'd be walking across
your hallway, the letter box

would flip open and you'd hear
a voice going,

"Hello, it's Sir Chris Hoy here.

"Before I go cycling,
I like a bowl of Bran Flakes."

Ah, Christ.

"Hello! Sir Chris Hoy here,

before I go cycling,
I like a bowl of Bran Flakes.

"Oh, kill me now."

And he'd bump into
other celebrities on the street.

"Oh, hello, Keira."
"Hello, Chris."

"Hello, It's Keira Knightley here
from the films.

"Yes, I didn't think
I needed the money either.

"Anyway, I'm wearing a really tight
catsuit and when I walk away

"I'd like you to look at my arse
and think about Coco Chanel.

"Yeah, it's really subtle,
it's my arse and perfume.

"Oh, who's this? Hello, Ray."
"'Ello, Keira.

"It's Ray Winstone here.
Put a bet on, you sla-a-a-ag!

"There's loads of markets
in play now!

"Oh, whose that
coming along the street?

"Oh, it's David Beckham."
"Hello, Ray."

Man of a thousand voices.

"Hello, David Beckham here, erm...

"Everything under the sun.

"All of it - hats flannels,
spanners, trousers, motorbikes.

"Just buy shit, all right?"

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

So, as you can see, it's quite
difficult for me to find

a political party
to suit all my needs.

Cos sometimes I can be left wing and
other times I'm quite right wing.

You know how people talk about
all the stuff we get from America?

I always think, why don't we get any
of the decent stuff from America
like guns? Or the death penalty.

Not for murder but definitely
bike theft. Sort that out.

Nah, there's already
a debate in society

about whether they should
chemically castrate paedophiles.

I've gone way over the line
on this one.

I'm into liquidising them, you know?

You know that empty plinth
on Trafalgar Square?

Put a massive liquidiser on there,
like 40 foot high.

Huge liquidiser. What a brilliant
way to start the weekend.

It's five o'clock, it's Friday,
let's liquidise a paedo!

And everyone goes...

It may twist the other way,
just saying.

Everyone goes, "Wha-a-ay!"

And there's a big party atmosphere,
it's Friday!

And people are playing,
bands playing music.

People selling food,
there's protestors there.

"No, it's..."

And it'll be like
the Christmas lights -

whoever's number one that week
gets to press the button.

"So this week, liquidising the
paedos, it's Maroon 5!"

"Yeah! I love those guys!"

At the start, there'll just be
a man standing there,

with his glasses on, obviously,
his spattered trousers like that

and within a second
he's just like a green soup.

Everyone goes, "Wha-a-ay!"
And it'll be like the London Eye,

Loads of cities have got them now.

It'll be all over the country
every Friday.

And, of course, eventually
we'd run out,

we'd run out, wouldn't we,
which would be a difficult moment.

Pile into Trafalgar Square,
going, "Come on!"

"We haven't got any, we've run out."
"Oh, you're kidding, you're joking?

"I was looking forward to that,

"I've got a friend over from
Holland, was really looking forward
to seeing it."

"No, we've run out,
haven't got any."

"Oh, God. Jesus...
He looks like one. He does.

"Look at him, look at his glasses,
get him in there, get him in.

Or we could have to import them
from China.

"How many paedo you want?"

"Many as you got, mate,
we can't get enough, we love 'em!
Send them over!"

And they'll come over
in those container ships

and they'll open the container
at Southampton and they'll all

come out blinking like pit ponies
like this...

"Where's the kids?
You said there'd be kids."

And straight into
the liquidiser!

"Back on!"

And you may call me a dreamer.

But I'm not the only one.
Thank you very much.

You've been a fantastic crowd,
great pleasure, thank you!

I just thought we needed
a little palette cleanser
after that last bit.

I thought there are
a few people out there

they didn't manage to
visualise it properly.

Oh, dear...

Lovely feeling, that.

Oh, at last I got it on.

I notice a few people
taking pictures.

Could I make a request? Please don't
take pictures. Firstly, why?

I could understand if you were
walking through the woods
and you saw me.

You know, um, but people take
pictures they end up out there on

Twitter and I'd like it to be our
little secret, our little secret.

I don't want to spoil the surprise
for other people cos this is

one of those jokes,
I don't want to come out one night

and people go, "Oh, it's that bit,
I heard about that bit. Yeah."

This is one of those jokes,
if it doesn't work, it's quite
difficult to move on from.

Anyway, never mind about that.

So, what's been going on?

As you can see,
the logistical problems are just...

The eating, you just
lie down, both of you.

And if the horse doesn't like what
you're eating, you know,

if you've arranged for a burger
to be laid down there,

it can rebel, can't it?
"Grrrrrr, don't eat that!"

All right, I admit, it's a knob gag.

I started here and worked backwards.

I thought, I want to be one stage,
massive knob,

waving it around, how do I do that?

In fact, it doesn't look
like a knob.

It looks like I'm being
molested by an old lady.

"Sean, I love all your shows!"

You know those old ladies
who let their hair down at night?

"I'm like a young girl again."

You know, when I started
in this business,

I had many hopes and dreams
and aspirations.

Didn't see this coming.

But, you know, it's nightmare
scenario trying to get up,

fighting off wolves!

"Get off me!" like that.

Anyway, rode up.

Oh, by the way, if anyone's been
effected by any issues

raised in this...

There's a number you can phone.

It'd be like quite a good
Channel 4 documentary, wouldn't it?

The Boy Who Was A Reverse Centaur.

But before I go, I'd just
like to thank my wife.

Because I don't know what it was
I said that made her buy me this

for Christmas but, erm...

Thank you very much!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd