Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onto the stage, Sean Lock.

Downloaded from YTS.MX

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Thank you!

Hello! Hammersmith! Thank you!

Thank you for coming out tonight.

Saturday night! Excited?

Lovely to be here.

I've been touring for a while now, shows have gone pretty well.

There's only one place I won't go back to, that's Guildford,

not going back to Guildford.

That's a terrible blues song, isn't it?

# I'm not going back to Guildford... #

I don't know what it is in Guildford,

they just don't like laughing. They don't, they don't.

If you smile at someone in Guildford,

they look at you like you've got mental health issues.

You go, "Hello!" They go, "Ooh, what's the matter with you?"

Basically, they stared at me like they were looking out

the windows of a bus replacement service.

You never see anyone smiling out of a bus replacement service,

do you? Going, "This is brilliant!

"Much better than the train."

"Because you visit so many different villages."

They looked like my dad looked

when he found out what his pension was worth.

I love my wife, I love my kids, I'm a very lucky man, I do admit,

I'm a very lucky man.

CHEERING

She's not even in.

No, but there are times I do miss the old days, you know,

before I was married, I think the thing I miss most of all

about being single is the songs you sing when you're single.

You know the songs you sing?

When you're just walking round your house and you start singing a song?

# I'm going to put the kettle on and make a cup of tea now! #

# I might have a biscuit or a crisp sandwich. #

You can't do that when you live with other people, can you?

Because they don't want to see that.

They want to think you've got your shit together.

I say I love my wife, sometimes I'm not sure.

Well, the symptoms of being in love, shortness of breath,

light headedness, inability to concentrate,

are exactly the same symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning,

aren't they?

So I said, "I think I love you,

"but should we just get the boiler serviced just in case?"

"Come here!"

"Ow!"

No, I do, I love her very much, but she upset me this last Christmas,

because what she did was,

she was giving me my Christmas present

and before I'd opened it, she said,

"Oh, you do know, by the way, you do know it's very hard

"to find presents for a man of your age."

And I found that quite hurtful

and if there are any men of my age here, a bit of advice,

be very careful what you show enthusiasm for

in the weeks before Christmas.

You show the slightest enthusiasm or interest, in anything,

you're getting that for Christmas, OK?

You know, the most innocuous comment, she can be going up to bed,

you say, "I'll be up in a minute, I'm just going to watch the news."

"Ooh...

"..he likes the news."

And you'll get a biography of Huw Edwards.

"What a guy.

"Ooh, he's never had an X-ray, I didn't know that."

One time, we were out walking in the countryside and there was a bird

hovering in the sky and she said, "Oh, is that a buzzard?"

I said, "No, that's a kestrel."

She said, "I didn't know you knew about that."

I said, "Yeah, a little bit, stuff like that, little bit."

Cut to six months later,

I'm standing in a field, got a big leather glove on.

Cube of meat on a string.

"Yeah, I'm having a great day!

"It's like you read my mind!

"Ah! Get it off me! Get it off!"

I didn't do that, I didn't do that!

Don't want to upset the greenies.

One time, I got a fish tank. I opened this fish tank, I said,

"Why? What did I say? What?"

Because I'd been really careful at that point,

I'd been, you know, "What did I say?"

She said, "Remember you went in the pet shop,

"you were staring at the fish for ages!"

I said, "Yeah, because it was pissing with rain!"

From about October to December

I don't say anything positive about anything.

One time, we got a ferry in October,

and you know ferries are normally an awful, crap, dismal experience?

It was a ferry from Holland,

really nice ferry, really clean, new, the food was really good

and everything was really nice.

I was about to say,

"Oh, cor, this is a nice ferry, isn't it?"

And I thought "Uh-oh, no, don't say that, don't say that."

Because I had this image on Christmas morning

of opening an envelope and pulling out a golden ferry ticket.

"A magical, VIP day out on the ferry.

"Help the captain steer the ferry out of port.

"Wave the cars onto the deck.

"Sing a song with the group Liquid Motion."

The other day I intercepted her,

I intercepted her ordering me some bees!

"Yeah, what do the...?

"Obviously the bees come second, the hive first."

I just grabbed the phone, "We don't want any bees, go away!"

I said, "Why you ordering me bees?"

"You were going on about the plight of the honey bee.

"How it's terrible how people don't plant flowers any more,

"they deck their gardens,

"the honey bee's struggling to survive,

"and soon, when that happens, the whole of the society will collapse.

"You were going on about it!"

I said, "Yeah, but what you're mistaking there is I like moaning."

I don't give a shit about bees.

I can't tell the difference between bees and wasps,

I just kill anything I see!

I think one of the things that I'm most known for is my enquiring mind.

That's one of the things people always say about me,

"Here comes Sean with his enquiring mind."

The other day I was watching television and you know

those Compare The Market, compare the meerkat ads?

I was watching that and I thought,

"How come that's OK that they've got a Russian, Eastern European accent?

"How come that's fine? Nobody objects to that."

I thought if those meerkats were Chinese

there'd be uproar, wouldn't there? If they came out and went

IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT: "You want cheaper car insurance?

IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT: "You go compare market dot com.

IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT: "You blurry iriot."

They go, "Whoa! What you doing?

"You can't do that."

Or they were Mexican,

IN MOCK MEXICAN ACCENT: "If you want to compare meerkats,

"come to meerkat dot com.

"You can compare meerkats like my sister.

Where really meerkats are from Africa,

it should be an African voice, shouldn't it?

IN MOCK AFRICAN ACCENT: "For cheaper car insurance..."

"Whoa!

"What do you think you're doing? Stop him now."

And the reason that I mention that is I realised

something quite profound the other day, I was at home and bored,

I wasn't wearing these clothes, I was wearing my normal clothes,

I started checking the labels on my clothes like that...

And I realised something like, at that moment I realised

if it wasn't for the Chinese, I would have been naked.

Yep.

All my clothes were made in China, everything,

even my pants were made in China.

Yeah? And they're not like Chinesey pants,

they haven't got dragons on them or anything like that.

Just an ordinary pair of pants.

Then I realised my phone was made in China, my telly was made in China.

I've got an IKEA table, I assumed Sweden. No, China.

I worked out, I'm virtually Chinese.

The only thing I haven't got is the accent, right.

But if I start doing that going,

IN MOCK CHINESE ACCENT: "Herrow, I'm Shawrn Lock."

People go, "What are you doing?"

I think, "How can I possibly be racist?

"I bloody love China. I'm obsessed with the place."

Ideally I'd live in a pagoda.

I don't think you can be racist about a country that's more

economically powerful than you. In fact, the way our economy's going,

soon it'll be racist to do our voices. Yeah.

People in Beijing going, "Hello, I'm from London."

They'll go, "Ooh! Not comfortable with that!"

I don't think the Chinese are bothered what accents we're doing.

All they want to know is, all they want to know is,

how much shit we want, that's what they want to know.

"How much shit you want?"

"As much as you've got, we love it, keep sending it over.

"Can't get enough of it."

"OK."

"Make more shit!"

"You got enough shit yet?"

"No, we just used up that last lot you sent us, keep it coming.

"We love it, yeah!"

"Bloody hell.

"Come on, no time for sleeping, got to make shit for people in West.

"Can't even make their own fucking pants."

"Hang on, how you going to pay for all this shit?"

"Er, we were going to borrow the money from you."

"Ha-ha-ha!"

"It's funny, right, we make shit, we sell them shit,

"now we give them money to buy shit.

"Well, you find funny when have day off in December."

No, cos you have to face facts,

the Chinese are slowly taking over the world.

They're not doing it like we tried to do in a big imperialistic sweep,

they're doing it the smart, the clever way,

slowly buying everything up.

And you'll notice subtle differences in your lives,

little things will change,

like one day you'll notice there's less prongs on your fork.

And they'll buy up all the pubs and all the pub names will change.

You'll still call it the White Hart,

"I'm going to the White Hart,

"I refuse to call it the Infinite Stillness of Water".

And you go to your greetings card shop, there's a special section,

"Commiserations on birth of daughter."

Aww.

"She bring much shame on family."

Aww.

And it'll affect every aspect of our lives,

it'll affect culture because you surrender so much control

and power to them.

An example is Christmas crackers.

I've known for years the actual crackers were made in China

but I always thought the jokes were written in this country

but I think they're doing that in China now

cos I pulled a cracker this Christmas and

I'll just say at this point I'm not a fan of crackers,

I've been campaigning to get rid of them for years.

I think they're a dull, joyless,

pointless experience from start to finish.

If there was any pleasure to be had from a cracker,

you'd have them at other times of the year, wouldn't you?

Any, just the slightest pleasure, you'd go, "Oh, happy birthday!

"Do you want to pull a cracker?"

"Dave and Sue are coming round later."

"OK, I'll go to the off-licence...

"Shall I get some crackers?"

"Yeah, let's get some crackers and have a bloody laugh."

But you don't, cos they're shit, aren't they?

The cracker I pulled this Christmas,

the bang wouldn't have made a kitten look up.

The paper hat didn't make me look like a king,

I didn't look like a king, no.

I looked like a grill chef in a service station like this...

On his third warning like that...

"Do you want egg? Do you want egg?"

The toy inside was a set of miniature,

tiny, tiny screwdrivers,

tiny, tiny screwdrivers that don't fit anything!

I'd have preferred nothing, then I wouldn't have had a trip to the bin.

But what did my head in, what ruined Christmas, was the joke,

this was the joke in the cracker.

What did the ghost sing at the snowman's birthday party?

Right. And the punch line is, freeze a jolly good fellow.

I think if you enjoyed that you've come to the wrong show, but anyway.

My point is there's no need for a ghost in that joke.

That's a superfluous, unnecessary ghost,

that joke works perfectly well without the ghost.

What do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Why is there a fucking ghost in there? Who put a ghost in there?

And my theory at the cracker factory in China,

there's loads of people writing puns, there's a foreman.

A fellow goes, "I've got one." "What is it?"

"What do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Foreman goes, "Hmm, I don't like it. Put a ghost in there."

And that's the power we've surrendered to them.

They could just start sticking ghosts in things willy-nilly.

You know dragons, whatever the fuck they want,

they can just, you know.

Imagine if you did that with other jokes,

like a horse walks into a pub and the ghost behind the bar,

you'd go, "What?"

Horse is thinking, "I thought I was the novelty in this joke, you know?

"I'm a beer-drinking horse, but no.

"There's a fucking ghost working behind the bar."

And I'm ignoring the absurdity of a snowman having a birthday party,

I've left that alone, I'm not touching that.

Where on Earth is a snowman going to live to one?

Maybe in the Arctic, but when it snows,

Eskimos do not scurry out of the igloos and go,

"Hey-hey, it's snowing, let's make a man!"

No, they go, "It's fucking snowing again, isn't it?

"Why do we live here?"

"You won't look at those brochures for Tenerife, will you?"

All I'm saying is we've got to think about the consequences of that.

You know, we do get all this cheap stuff,

but the standard of comedy is going to go downhill, you know?

Maybe we should pay a bit more and have a laugh, that's all I'm saying.

That's literally all I'm saying.

I'll tell you another way of putting it,

the other day I went to buy some trainers, right,

and in the end I settled on a pair of New Balance trainers

because they're made in this country.

And they're a bit more expensive, but to me it was worth it

to pay those few extra quid to be safe in the knowledge

that a kid in China is out of a job.

If I can put one child on the dole, bloody proud of myself.

I've just started believing in God, as well,

I've just got into that.

Yay! Wey-hey!

Yeah, I've just got into that,

and actually that's the reason I'm on tour,

so, er, if you've been enjoying the show up to this point,

after this bit, it gets a bit messagey.

But I think the difference between me and most religious people

is I don't take it that seriously, you know.

I sort of... Some days I'm into it, other days...

HE MURMURS

Some days I wear a veil, other days I don't eat pork.

Comme ci, comme ca, yeah?

But it's done one brilliant thing, actually,

since I've begun believing in God,

a really positive benefit in my life,

which is I've stopped using the exclamation "Jesus Christ!"

as often as I used to, because I used to use it far too often.

I couldn't find my keys, I'd go, "Oh, Jesus Christ!

"I can't find my keys, grrr!"

Or I'd go to the supermarket, I haven't got a pound for the trolley,

like that, "Oh, Jesus Christ!

"Grrr!

"Thanks, God, nice one(!)

"Are you trying to starve my family?

"Is it some kind of test?

"Grrr!"

Or I sit down to eat my dinner, it's all cooked, all ready,

then I realise there's no pepper in the grinder.

"Oh, Jesus Christ!

"Now I've got to get all the little balls out,

"they go over the fucking floor!

"My life is shit!"

Or I walk past the radio, the news is on.

"The price of stamps will be going up from Tuesday."

"Oh, Jesus Christ!

"That's all I need!

"That's going to cost me 60p a year!"

Or I'll be in the shower, like that.

"Hang on, that doesn't feel right.

"Oh, it's fucking conditioner, isn't it?

"Jesus Christ!

"Look what you've done!

"Shiny hair for a week!

"And once it's in, it's in!

"There's no anti-conditioner to take it out...

"because you didn't invent it!"

I've stopped doing that. That's good

a positive move in the right direction, yeah?

Of course, in the religion that I have invented,

there are times where you can use the exclamation,

like if your house is being enveloped by lava from a volcano.

"Oh, Jesus Christ," you know.

Or you go to the Pamplona bull run where they run the bulls

through the streets, and you get a stitch, "Oh, Jesus Christ.

"Oh, Jes... Not now.

"Too much bloody tapas, that's what it is!

"Cos you think they're just little plates,

"but you just keep eating, don't you?

"I've probably had about five dinners."

Or you're on a plane and you see someone

trying to light their shoes like that.

"Jesus Christ, he's trying to light his shoes!"

I think that's how they do it...

the light-hearted wing of Al-Qaeda.

Or... Or you're a centaur, right? You're a centaur,

come with me on this one, um...

You know, you're human from there to there,

there to there is human, the rest of you is horse,

but you're facing the wrong way!

"Argh!

"Jesus Christ!

"Where are we going?!

"Arghhh!

"Whoa boy, whoa! Whoa, whoa.

"Arghh!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That'd be... That'd be a nightmare scenario, wouldn't it, that would?

Imagine just trying to eat a bit of grass,

how difficult that would be.

"I'm starving."

You'd have to... Both of you would have to lie down on your side

on the forest floor, wouldn't you?

Both of you have to lie down like that.

And the horse bit would be there, you'd lie there,

just for a little snack in the day,

like, num-num-num-num-num.

Imagine how vulnerable you'd feel?

That's probably why they died out.

And, of course, the humany bit wouldn't like grass, would he?

"It's disgusting."

HE SPITS

"How do you eat that shit?

"Can I have a curry?"

The horse goes, "Do you want to see me after a curry?

"Do you want to see me after a curry?"

"Arghhhhhh!"

So you've got a dilemma there, haven't you?

You've got the taste buds of a human, the digestive system of a horse.

Yeah, you've got a problem, haven't you?

I accept I'm not a scientist, I know I'm not a scientist,

but what is a scientist?

It's just somebody who thinks about stuff

then chooses to back up their thoughts with evidence and facts.

Only difference between me and a scientist, I don't feel the need.

I'm not so insecure I need to back up what I say, I just say it.

Bleurrrgh!

And I've been forced into this position by my children.

I've got three young children

and they ask me questions all day long about everything under the sun

and I don't know a lot of stuff, I really don't.

I don't. I don't know.

I read a lot, but usually when I get to the interesting bit,

I remember something embarrassing and go, "Uhhh!"

And they'll ask me questions about science and things like that,

and for a while I thought our house was being haunted

by my old physics teacher

and he's just going round the house going, "Woooooo!

"Ask your dad about magnets. Heh-heh-heh!

"Heh-heh-heh!"

Good use of a ghost in a joke, I feel.

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

And they'll come up to me and ask me about magnets and gravity

and I can't explain them, but I don't like saying,

"I don't know, beats me, ask your mum,"

it wears away at my self-esteem.

So I just lie, I make shit up, you know?

They'll say magnets, so I'll go, "Magnets, er, well...

"You know when you go to school and some kids you're pleased to see,

"other kids you're not that bothered about?

"Metal's a bit like that."

They're happy with that. They have no idea. "Gravity? Gravity? Oh, yeah.

"You know when an apple falls out of a tree?

"It creates a force that sends the birds up in the air.

"Because apples are heavier than birds, as we all know.

"Birds are made of feathers, everyone knows that.

"Solid feather, right the way through.

"And the earth's got a core, that's right, it's got a core...

"it's trying to get all the apples back...

"..to make cider for God! That's right! Yeah!"

"A verb? A verb?

"I think that's an old cockney word for a tenner. Yeah.

" 'Here, that slag owes me a verb.'

" 'Here, George, put a verb on that horse for us, will you?' "

They ask me about Velcro, I have this vague notion

it's to do with the Apollo missions.

I said, "Velcro?

"It grows on the moon, it grows on the moon, yeah.

"Basically, it's moon grass, that's what it is really.

"That's why the astronauts walk like that."

I just don't know.

I don't... I don't even understand how yogurt works.

I don't understand it.

It's off and it's got bacteria, but it's good for you.

What the fucking...?

But the questions keep coming and they get madder and madder.

"Dad, why can't we smell noises?"

What?

"If we can see our face in water, can we drink mirrors?"

So what I do is I just lie, I just lie, you know,

and it makes me feel better about myself and, erm,

I'll save on university fees, you know, so...

There's a theory of parenting that you should never lie to your kids.

There's a theory you should never ever lie to your children.

Apart from Father Christmas, the tooth fairy and how hot the food is.

That's fair enough, isn't it?

If they've been giving you a difficult day, it's a bit of payback.

"Those fish fingers, yes, they've been out a while now,

"work away on those, yeah."

HE SNIGGERS

It's the new smacking, is what it is.

It's perfectly legal, they can't touch you, I've checked.

But there is a theory you should never lie to your kids.

I lie to my children all the time.

I was putting my daughter to bed

and she said, "Daddy, are there monsters under my bed?"

and I said "Yes.

"Ooh, there's terrible monsters under your bed,

"you don't want to bump into those fellas.

"Ho-ho-ho!

"And if you put your feet down on the bedroom floor at any point,

"they'll reach out, grab your ankles and drag you under the bed.

"And they'll take you off into a labyrinth of turds and wasps.

"And he's on duty until seven o'clock in the morning, seven o'clock.

"Seven o'clock. Seven.

"So if you wake up at quarter to seven, just wait 15 minutes

"before you come and disturb your mummy and your daddy.

"In fact, I think he's... he's coming on duty now!

"Stay on the bed, stay on the bed!

"Grrr, get out of it, you! Stay on...

"Pass me Mr Tiddles! Get out of it!

"Stay on the bed, stay on the bed! Good night."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And some people say that's not ideal parenting.

But, em, I think it's better than the alternative,

which is to tell the truth, isn't it?

So they say, "Daddy, are there monsters under the bed?"

You say, "There's no monsters under the bed, don't be silly."

Then they'll say, "Are there monsters outside?"

If you tell the truth, you have to go, "Yeah, there are,

"but they don't look like monsters,

"they look like ordinary men and women.

"Bit like your mummy and your daddy, actually.

"But they're capable of terrible things.

"Anyway, good night."

If there's anyone from social services, I don't do that.

Anyway, so I'm in this bike shop, and...

I don't know how else to bring it up really...um...

I had my bike stolen.

And as anyone here who's had their bike stolen will know,

there's no chance of getting the bike back or anyone getting punished.

We've got a very laid-back attitude towards bike theft in this country.

We treat it a bit like they do cannabis in Amsterdam.

I'm sure there's guidebooks to Britain which go,

DUTCH ACCENT: "Hey, come to Britain, they love it if you steal their bikes.

"Those crazy Brits love nothing better than

"you ride off with their brand-new bike...

"Come to the British bike stealing festival.

"And ride off with their brand-new bikes."

Cos I regularly see fellas riding along, they've got one bike, and they're holding another bike.

Which they've obviously just nicked.

But people just go, "Oh, look, he's nicked a bike."

Like it's an old pastime. Yeah?

Unless he has such a vivid relationship with his imaginary friend he bought it a bike.

So anyway, I'm in the bike shop, and I was attracted towards this

ladies' bike. I thought I quite liked it, y'know.

Cos I like the step through. I quite like that.

But the guy in the bike shop was going, "Yeah, but it's a ladies' bike, you should get this hybrid

"multi-terrain thing" and I'm, "Yeah, but this is nice, isn't it,

"you put that - and the saddle, lots of room on the saddle, isn't there?

"And you can put all your stuff in that basket thing there.

"It's a brilliant bike." And he's going, "Yes, but it's a ladies' bike".

And he really pissed me off, I didn't buy a bike in the end.

I can understand if I went to Marks and Spencer's for a vest,

came out in a basque, you know, have a word...

So I've been using the rental bikes, you know the rental bikes they've got, they've got all over London,

they're brilliant. The only problem is I refuse to call them Boris Bikes.

I go to someone's house, they say, "How did you get here?"

"I came on one of the rental bikes." They say, "Boris bikes?"

"No, I don't call them that." And it's just tense.

I don't see why he gets credit for something he had nothing

to do with, you know, it just happened to happen on his watch.

He doesn't take the credit for other things.

They're not called the Boris Riots, are they?

He didn't know there was anybody IN London in August.

"Why aren't they all in Tuscany?"

I'll call them Boris Bikes

when I can park one in his fat arse like that, Prrrp!

And I don't... I'm not a fan of Boris.

Because he's one of those people who's

brilliant on television but you don't really know what he's capable of,

I find him quite a sinister, scary man.

He doesn't really say what he believes in, I think

he's capable of anything, and David Cameron's very similar,

he's very good on television, you don't know what he's capable of.

And the reason I mention it is the alternative is so piss poor,

it's going to be one of those two, isn't it?

Cos Ed Miliband, there's no way you could have

Ed Miliband as Prime Minister, it would be cruel, it would be cruel.

To put him on his own in a room with Vladimir Putin would be cruelty.

Vladimir Putin would just stick his fingers up his nostrils

and start dragging him around.

Booting him up the arse.

Ed Miliband would get bullied in the Night Garden.

Igglepiggle'd just go...

And he's such a strange-looking man, isn't he?

To me, he looks like a startled Hawaiian lesbian. Doesn't he?

You know when you come across one in a clearing? They just...

And I think he said it, somebody said it in a speech recently

and I thought it was a very good thing about politics -

we should all think about what sort of world

we want to live in, what sort of world.

I think that's a very good question to ask people to help them choose

who to vote for. And I started to think more and more about this, what

sort of world do I want to live in, help me choose which political party

to get behind, and I realised, for example, I want to live in a world,

I want to live in a world where George Foreman actually makes those grills.

He's in a shed with loads of oxyacetylene burning stuff, bzzz, soldering kit.

Grr, arh, vrroooooom! Erna erna erna, clunk.

Fella pops his head round the door and goes "George,

"we need more of them grills!

"We got an order here for 2,000 grills, you better hurry up, George."

George goes, "What d'ya think I'm doing man, I'm making fucking grills!

"I'm having problems with the detachable drip tray for easy cleaning."

"Motherfucker won't clip on right!"

"You finish this goddamn grill, I'm gonna start another one!"

Grrrr, erna, erna, erna!

"Sometimes I wish I'd never had the idea for making grills!

"Cos I make 'em so damn good."

Yeah, I want to live in a world where if you put your name

to something it's cos you made it.

David Beckham has to make the pants that he sells with his name.

Imagine if you were wearing a pair of pants made by David Beckham.

Actually they'd probably just have one hole for the leg

and you'd be walking round like that...

"Yeah, yeah, got these new Beckham pants, what d'you reckon? They're pretty...

"I look pretty cool in them, I think."

That's the sort of world I want to live in.

This is really personal to me,

I want to live in a world where a doctor doesn't need to get

a long fibreoptic cable, with another cable attached to it

which they don't tell you about - two cables - get two cables

and force them down your tiny little dry pee hole,

into your bladder

just to tell you everything's all right.

Doesn't need to get two cables and force them

down, deep down inside you... You know, you think about all

the medical advancements that have been made, leaps in medical science,

and we're still sticking cables down a man's penis. You know?

Incredible leaps have been made, but on that area - naaah,

that's fine, just stick cables down there. Y'know?

They wouldn't have done that on the deck of the Victory.

Sawing people's legs off, cutting them open, they go, "Shall we stick the cable down..."

"No! For Christ's sake!

"That's horrendous!"

I want them to come up with something less medieval,

y'know. Probably everyone goes, "Shall we do something about

"this cable down the cock thing?" "Naaah, it's just men.

"He's gonna do something horrible with his cock anyway, you know, sod it."

Y'know. Force two cables down what I would never describe as a hole,

I would never call that a hole.

If you saw that anywhere else you wouldn't go, "There's a hole there."

If you saw it on a bit of skirting board you wouldn't go,

"Oh, brilliant, we can run the cables through there, that's lovely, that is."

"That's handy, we'll save on drilling, we'll just get them

"through there, we'll knock off early."

"That's not a hole, Len!" "It is a hole, you hold it straight,

"I'll get it in, that's a bloody hole, that is."

It's not a hole. It's a very deep crack.

And in the process, ruin your penis. My penis is ruined,

they've ruined it, it's not...

It's not immediately obvious. Over time you realise.

If I go for a piss now it takes about half a second.

It's like emptying a bucket of water, just...plooosh!

"Sorry about that. Do apologise.

"Normally I use the cubicles but it was busy.

"But look what they did to it, look what they did to it! It's ruined.

"You can keep tennis balls up there.

"It's like a floppy Pringles tube."

Another thing, right, another thing that bugs me -

I want to live in a world where cats respect fencing. You know?

If dogs were jumping around from garden to garden you'd say,

"Sort your bloody dog out, what's going on?

"Jumping round and round the garden, scared the shit out of everyone!"

You could chain it up. They go, "You can't chain a cat up." Yes, you can!

You can chain anything up! You get it, and you put a chain on it.

If you can put soap on a rope you can put a chain on a cat as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, you don't need to, I've invented something.

Brilliant solution, it's a box, a long narrow box, you put

the cat in the box - at the end of the box there's a hole for the cat's head,

at the bottom of the box there's four holes for the cat's legs.

And it can enjoy all of your garden.

It can enjoy every corner of your garden.

And you can paint the box the same colour as the cat, so it's not embarrassed.

But as soon as it wants to leave your garden, climb out, it's impeded by the box.

And there you've got a solution. Because I am sick

and tired of looking out of my kitchen window, and there's a cat

staring at me like I'm something dripping off a toilet brush.

Utter contempt on its face.

Looks at me like I've built my home on an ancient cat burial ground...

"He has desecrated the resting place of the elders."

I don't let them settle. As soon as I see one,

literally whatever I'm doing - I see one, coffee cup down, like that...

out the door... Hsssssssssth! Hsssssssth! Hsssssssth!

Hsssssssth! Hssth!

Hssth!

But that can be quite awkward cos I could be having a civilised

conversation with a neighbour I barely know.

"Just moved to the area.

"Yes, we'd love to come round for the barbecue, that's very...

"On Tuesday? Yes, yes...

"Excuse me a minute. Hsssssssssth!"

Cos they don't like that, cats, cats do not like that.

To be honest, most people don't. There's very few...

There's very few people you can go, "Hssssssth!"

and they go, "Be over in a sec."

In fact, I use it in traffic instead of swearing.

Someone cuts me up, I don't swear.

If someone cuts me up I just go, "Hssssssth!"

Cos they're never sure whether they saw that or not. "Did I see that?"

You really get in their minds, y'know?

And after you've done it, return to a sort of cheery smile,

go, "Hisssssssth!"

Get right in there!

I want to live in a world where you're not allowed to advertise to children.

No advertising to kids. It's not on.

People come into my home, uninvited, through the medium of television

and they wave shiny shit in my kids' faces, right?

And it's not fair. We can defend ourselves against advertising,

we can make judgements and choices and decisions.

Children can't do that, they can't do that, cos they're fucking idiots.

They're morons, they're thick as pig shit.

If you put a picture of Shrek on a bag of gravel, they want it.

Big hammock of snot hanging under their chin.

If all advertising was door to door,

if you could only advertise door to door, you wouldn't tolerate it.

If someone knocked on your door and you opened it and they went,

"Can I speak to your seven-year-old daughter, please?"

Bring her out and he bends down, ignores you and goes,

"Look, it's a My Pretty Polly Pocket mini vanity valise set and that spins round and that opens up

"and there's measurers in there and you can collect characters and play with your friends."

After a while, you'd go, "Fuck off.

"Sorry, Daddy's said it again, hasn't he?

"Still, you'll hear it at school soon enough. Or they will."

Cos you never think you're the source, do you?

Yeah, it'd be great if all advertising was done door to door.

Especially when celebrities do adverts, cos that'd be great.

You'd be walking across your hallway, the letter box

would flip open and you'd hear a voice going,

"Hello, it's Sir Chris Hoy here.

"Before I go cycling, I like a bowl of Bran Flakes."

Ah, Christ.

"Hello! Sir Chris Hoy here,

before I go cycling, I like a bowl of Bran Flakes.

"Oh, kill me now."

And he'd bump into other celebrities on the street.

"Oh, hello, Keira." "Hello, Chris."

"Hello, It's Keira Knightley here from the films.

"Yes, I didn't think I needed the money either.

"Anyway, I'm wearing a really tight catsuit and when I walk away

"I'd like you to look at my arse and think about Coco Chanel.

"Yeah, it's really subtle, it's my arse and perfume.

"Oh, who's this? Hello, Ray." "'Ello, Keira.

"It's Ray Winstone here. Put a bet on, you sla-a-a-ag!

"There's loads of markets in play now!

"Oh, whose that coming along the street?

"Oh, it's David Beckham." "Hello, Ray."

Man of a thousand voices.

"Hello, David Beckham here, erm...

"Everything under the sun.

"All of it - hats flannels, spanners, trousers, motorbikes.

"Just buy shit, all right?"

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

So, as you can see, it's quite difficult for me to find

a political party to suit all my needs.

Cos sometimes I can be left wing and other times I'm quite right wing.

You know how people talk about all the stuff we get from America?

I always think, why don't we get any of the decent stuff from America like guns? Or the death penalty.

Not for murder but definitely bike theft. Sort that out.

Nah, there's already a debate in society

about whether they should chemically castrate paedophiles.

I've gone way over the line on this one.

I'm into liquidising them, you know?

You know that empty plinth on Trafalgar Square?

Put a massive liquidiser on there, like 40 foot high.

Huge liquidiser. What a brilliant way to start the weekend.

It's five o'clock, it's Friday, let's liquidise a paedo!

And everyone goes...

It may twist the other way, just saying.

Everyone goes, "Wha-a-ay!"

And there's a big party atmosphere, it's Friday!

And people are playing, bands playing music.

People selling food, there's protestors there.

"No, it's..."

And it'll be like the Christmas lights -

whoever's number one that week gets to press the button.

"So this week, liquidising the paedos, it's Maroon 5!"

"Yeah! I love those guys!"

At the start, there'll just be a man standing there,

with his glasses on, obviously, his spattered trousers like that

and within a second he's just like a green soup.

Everyone goes, "Wha-a-ay!" And it'll be like the London Eye,

Loads of cities have got them now.

It'll be all over the country every Friday.

And, of course, eventually we'd run out,

we'd run out, wouldn't we, which would be a difficult moment.

Pile into Trafalgar Square, going, "Come on!"

"We haven't got any, we've run out." "Oh, you're kidding, you're joking?

"I was looking forward to that,

"I've got a friend over from Holland, was really looking forward to seeing it."

"No, we've run out, haven't got any."

"Oh, God. Jesus... He looks like one. He does.

"Look at him, look at his glasses, get him in there, get him in.

Or we could have to import them from China.

"How many paedo you want?"

"Many as you got, mate, we can't get enough, we love 'em! Send them over!"

And they'll come over in those container ships

and they'll open the container at Southampton and they'll all

come out blinking like pit ponies like this...

"Where's the kids? You said there'd be kids."

And straight into the liquidiser!

"Back on!"

And you may call me a dreamer.

But I'm not the only one. Thank you very much.

You've been a fantastic crowd, great pleasure, thank you!

I just thought we needed a little palette cleanser after that last bit.

I thought there are a few people out there

they didn't manage to visualise it properly.

Oh, dear...

Lovely feeling, that.

Oh, at last I got it on.

I notice a few people taking pictures.

Could I make a request? Please don't take pictures. Firstly, why?

I could understand if you were walking through the woods and you saw me.

You know, um, but people take pictures they end up out there on

Twitter and I'd like it to be our little secret, our little secret.

I don't want to spoil the surprise for other people cos this is

one of those jokes, I don't want to come out one night

and people go, "Oh, it's that bit, I heard about that bit. Yeah."

This is one of those jokes, if it doesn't work, it's quite difficult to move on from.

Anyway, never mind about that.

So, what's been going on?

As you can see, the logistical problems are just...

The eating, you just lie down, both of you.

And if the horse doesn't like what you're eating, you know,

if you've arranged for a burger to be laid down there,

it can rebel, can't it? "Grrrrrr, don't eat that!"

All right, I admit, it's a knob gag.

I started here and worked backwards.

I thought, I want to be one stage, massive knob,

waving it around, how do I do that?

In fact, it doesn't look like a knob.

It looks like I'm being molested by an old lady.

"Sean, I love all your shows!"

You know those old ladies who let their hair down at night?

"I'm like a young girl again."

You know, when I started in this business,

I had many hopes and dreams and aspirations.

Didn't see this coming.

But, you know, it's nightmare scenario trying to get up,

fighting off wolves!

"Get off me!" like that.

Anyway, rode up.

Oh, by the way, if anyone's been effected by any issues

raised in this...

There's a number you can phone.

It'd be like quite a good Channel 4 documentary, wouldn't it?

The Boy Who Was A Reverse Centaur.

But before I go, I'd just like to thank my wife.

Because I don't know what it was I said that made her buy me this

for Christmas but, erm...

Thank you very much!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd