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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage Mr. Rhys Darby.

Woo! Come on Galway! Yeah! Woo!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Good evening!

Well, thanks for that.

- Do we have any Kiwis in? - WOMAN: Yeah!

Good. I knew we'd have two.

Australians?

- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yeah! - Ah, two. Good.

No? All right, good. How did you get in, by the way? What was the...

Locals?

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Yeah, good, good.

Everybody else?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Good, good.

That's everyone. Good. That covers everyone.

So here I am.

Galway. Wow, why? Why?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I've got your favorite color on.

[LAUGHS] You'll be happy with that.

Uh, so, yeah. Why Galway?

Well, well, I'm from New Zealand

but now I live in Los Angeles.

Not because I want to, but when you're this talented...

[IMITATES ROCKET TAKING OFF]

Okay, gotta go.

The gravy train. Just covered in gravy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I don't want to be there, but it's you know...

it's for me, being from little old New Zealand,

which is similar to little old Ireland,

I think it's, you know,

certainly a shift to get used to Big America as it is,

and some of you that have, that have been there,

you know the striking differences.

I'm not going to go through all of them now

because there's over 800 differences.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But for me, like you guys in Galway,

like a good walking city like this,

I'm from Auckland, New Zealand, similar thing.

I like to walk around,

New Zealanders are walkers,

you know, I'm sure the Irish are as well.

And Los Angeles,

not so much. Not really a walker's paradise.

Very car heavy. They made the movie Cars in LA.

It's a Los Angeles film, Cars.

Cars who acted in the Cars movie.

They're all cars. It's all about cars, talking cars and cars made it.

So, I don't know how they did it,

but that's LA.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And in New Zealand, we like to walk for a few reasons,

mainly because we can't afford petrol these days,

but also because you can walk it,

you know, on a long weekend, you could walk New Zealand.

And, so we do that

and we also, I have found, walk fast.

We're a fast-paced walker.

The Kiwi, he walks with a purpose,

[ALL LAUGHING]

because we're going somewhere.

We're not walking for the hell of it.

So I'm in LA, I'm looking,

it took me a few years to find a place that had footpaths,

for a start, or sidewalks, as they fucking call them.

In America, sidewalk. It's a sidewalk.

It's not a sidewalk, it's a footpath.

You put your feet on it, and it's a path.

That's a sidewalk, motherfucker,

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I don't know why I did that at the end.

I got a bit LA there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Always put a bit of...

If you're going to do the sidewalk

always put a bit of that in it.

Quite an old gun too.

Not a modern one.

Who the fuck are using those ones now?

What are those ones?

It doesn't even have a trigger, you've only got...

I've designed a gun but you got to hit it.

You've got to...

Well, maybe they just... Stop shooting!

Stop shooting people, America!

I don't know what it's about.

Could be political.

So I'm walking...

So, I'm walking here.

I've found an area which has footpaths,

and I'm walking along,

and you'd be surprised because America, with such big everything-ness,

the roads, obviously, very large.

You know, there's the neighbors.

But their footpaths, or sidewalks, as they call them,

Not wide. I think because no one's really using them.

But the odd guy that is using them,

I've noticed Americans walk very slowly.

And so they're sort of developed this kind of thing.

That's kind of the... I think it's called the mosey,

you know, and it's...

It's kind of... And the swagger is another one of these, you know that kind of...

So that's the sort of... That's how they go there.

That's pretty much exactly how Americans walk, you know?

A lot of shoulder-based walking.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Not much happening down here.

Very, very up here.

I don't... Stop that.

Can't you push those fuckers out?

Get the...

Not too far, you know?

[LAUGHS]

You don't want to go that way,

but I mean, at least, at least go faster

because I think... I just don't know why they're doing that.

It's kind of like, I guess they're just getting fresh air.

But in New Zealand, when we walk,

we're fucking... We've gotta go. We're going somewhere.

Where's he going?

I'm going to work.

Oh, hello, work. And so...

So I come across these moseys quite quickly

on the footpath there,

and they can,

they can hear me coming

because they're kind of doing this

and I can tell they can hear my pitter-patter

because the head sort of goes...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Something's coming.

[LAUGHS] Because it's me, because I've started

and I know I've got to pass them.

And so I do a thing now where,

and I've developed it from a cycling tradition.

Where you know, when you're riding your bike

and you're going to pass someone or there's someone in the way

and you've got to go "Approaching on your right."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [IMITATES BELL RINGING]

You know, sometimes you don't even have a bell.

[IMITATES BELL RINGING]

"Approaching", you know?

So I do that as a walker

in my neighborhood in Los Angeles.

So I'll come up, "Approaching on your right, please."

So they're hearing that, this guy is like,

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Because that's what they hear, "What the fuck's that?"

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

"Is that a mosquito?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's not. It's me. It's me coming up.

And they do kind of move, you know, once they hear it.

But if they don't, and you've got to do that thing where you sort of...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Thank you." You know, you got to do that

walking-past movement.

And then just throw 'em a thumbs-up.

You know, just...

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] "Well, he threw me the thumbs up.

"I guess he's all right. Adios."

That's what I've been doing, walking in my neighborhood,

loving it.

Mainly just doing a lot of walking lately.

That's why I wrote that bit.

But you're probably thinking, "So why? Why is he here now

"in Galway, so many years after he originally came to Galway?"

I think nearly 15 years ago.

Well, it's because I felt like I'd seen it all then, and...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

and then I started to forget about it.

I thought, I should go back there.

I've forgotten what that place is like...

It's not that.

I have been touring stand-up all over the place.

But in the last few years I haven't,

I've been slowing down and doing less comedy.

And it's because my dear mom,

she was getting sick and sick,

and I just wasn't feeling very funny anymore.

And so the last three years, I was kind of very concerned

with my mom and then unfortunately, she passed away.

2016 dear old Barbara Darby, Barbie Darby.

Yeah, the host of the annual darby barbie, Barbie Darby...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Drifted off into the sky, and that hit me like a wet sausage.

I didn't know what to do.

Mom had gone, and I kind of knew it was going to happen.

But she was my number one, and I loved her so much.

Dad wasn't so much in the picture

so for me, I was very mom-heavy.

And so when she did pass, I was like, "okay", I didn't even,

I couldn't even see, you know, the casket.

I mean, I could see the casket.

"I'm not even looking at the casket!" I could see the casket.

I didn't want to see

who was inside that. I couldn't believe it.

I wanted to block it out.

I've never had to grieve before in my life.

And so I just, after the funeral I went back to LA

and I got my head straight back into just working.

Just taking anything to keep my mind off of my mom, that she had left.

And so I took auditions.

I have a good agent in the States,

and so I'm very lucky to sort of take,

get into the rooms of some quite big production ideas.

And I didn't really... my head wasn't where it should be

and I wasn't really concentrating.

I took any audition, and one I took was the Westworld.

You've probably heard of this. Who's heard of Westworld?

It's, it's a pretty cool show on HBO. I'd never heard of it.

But at this stage, I was in the taxi

on the way to the audition when I was kind of

looking at the bit of paper, you know?

Not very prepared, I know,

but I just did see in the synopsis

it said "cowboy robots".

So I thought, well, could be in with a chance there, you know?

So this is what happened. I got in there.

I didn't read anything more about it.

I thought I'd just, you know,

got in and the guy goes "Next."

And so I came through the door.

Here is my audition.

I came through the door.

[IMITATING ROBOT NOISES]

[IMITATING GUN FIRING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank you, Galway.

If only you were there

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But that didn't happen on the day.

I mean, I did all that.

And at the end of it, after my head tilt and my revolver blow...

there was a pause, and then the guy just went "No."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But why did he wait till then?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I mean, fuck. He could have done it way earlier

as I came through the door.

"No." "No" would have been good there.

"No." "Oh, thank you. Sorry."

"No idea what I'm... Thank you."

But there was no, "No." There was nothing.

So I came through. I did my big adjustment of the turn.

Could have been a "No" anywhere there.

That took about five minutes.

Did my... you know, all that kind of stuff.

There was still nothing.

He's just looking at me like this.

And I'm thinking, God, he's amazed.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So, I'm coming at them now.

And by the way, this walk here is half what it was.

It was a very big hall.

It was about 13, 14 meters and I...

and I'm just walking towards him.

[IMITATING ROBOT NOISES]

"No" anywhere there could have been...

I'd be happy with. But I didn't receive it.

So I thinking in my head "Fuck, he likes it."

I'm thinking "Here's your new star. Season two."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Why wait till the end?

I mean, obviously he was like, "I can't wait to see where this is going to go."

That's were it went.

But then after the "No," he said, "Have you seen Westworld?"

And I had to say, "No," and then I followed it up very New Zealand-ish.

I said, "Is it any good?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Why would you say that?

Idiot. Of course it's good. They're making another series.

"Is it any good?"

"Yes, it is." "Ah, good, good."

And he said to me, then the final thing was,

"The robots, I'm afraid

"they're more realistic than that."

I'm like, "Fuck off. You're telling me there's actors out there

"that are doing more realistic robots than that?"

[MIMICKING ROBOT]

Bullshit.

[MIMICKING ROBOT]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

So I didn't get that job, guys.

I didn't, I'm not going to be in Westworld.

Yeah, shame on them.

But I did get Jumanji.

Who's seen Jumanji, Welcome to the Jungle?

Yeah. I got that pretty much straight after that.

And then I ended up going to Hawaii,

and I was there for two months in Hawaii on my own.

Obviously, there was other cast members and various people,

but I had to leave my wife and children immediately.

And I was there for two months,

and I was kind of... During that time...

and I was kind of isolated from the rest of the cast

because, well, you know, they're untouchable,

some of those big muscly types.

And so I was just on my own.

I was in this kind of... I was in Oahu,

a very touristy area of Hawaii there

and in a hotel that I think

a lot of Australian and New Zealand tourists

and definitely Irish tourists would have gone to.

And so people were sort of recognizing me

but I started to have a bit of time

to really start to think and miss Mom.

And this is where I kind of broke down

because people would come up to me

and want a photograph with me,

usually in a restricted area like a lift,

or would you believe, in the toilets?

Let's wait till he goes into the toilet and then go.

"Hey, do you want a photo with me?"

Do I want a photo with you?

I mean, I do, but I didn't want to come up to you about it.

I was a bit nervous.

So I would do that and smile and all that.

But really inside, I was quite glum,

and I was I was like, "What am I doing here?

"I don't even feel funny anymore."

And every time I go somewhere foreign,

I normally send Mom a postcard.

And one day I went to the shop and I bought a postcard,

and that's when I kind of really broke down

because I realized Mom is no longer here.

What am I doing with this postcard?

And I actually gave it back, and the worst part was,

yeah, I asked for a refund on a postcard,

which is quite sad. But for that 40 cents.

So... And then I went back to the hotel

and I realized at that point I need to talk to someone.

because I'm not in a healthy state.

I didn't feel like being a comedian anymore,

and that was just sad. I was just I was full of grief and so,

I knew I needed to talk to someone, and so that's what I did.

Like any sane person at that time in their life,

I went down and I spoke to the lady at reception.

- Um... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And she said, "Are you not happy?"

and I said "No," and she goes, "Well, is it the room?"

and I said, "It might be, yeah. It might be.

"Might be the room and my mom died."

"In the room?" "Not... No, no."

So she offered some package deals

to cheer me up, you know?

So, there was some "go and see the sea turtles", that sort of thing.

And I said, "I don't think that's what I need.

I need to talk to someone, you know."

And so she suggested, weirdly,

that there was this guy in the forest

this kind of a clairvoyant, can talk about your future.

And I thought to myself... And this is my brain,

"Oh, that will be the guy. I'll to talk to him."

That's who I need to talk to.

So, she gave me directions.

And then I walked for a couple of hours into the forest

and I found this guy and it took me a while

but suddenly there he was up in a tree.

- VOICEOVER: Hey. Hey. - Hello?

VOICEOVER: Up here.

- Oh. - I'm in the tree.

Yeah, I see you there.

Hello my friend.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm Rhys. - Hello, Rhys. I'm a shaman.

Oh, you're the shaman.

-Yeah. - I've come to the right place, I think.

-Yeah. - Listen, I'm a comedian, but I'm not very happy.

My mom passed away

and I just don't feel like doing my job anymore.

I don't know what to do.

I probably shouldn't have come to see you.

No, no. You should have come, my love.

I could see your spirit approaching with the wind.

- Oh. - and I could see your body approaching on CCTV.

- Okay. - So you're here for guidance, yeah?

- Yes. - I can give you guidance.

And I can help you find your path.

And for only five bucks extra,

I can cure any aggressive forms of foot fungus.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My feet are fine.

I'll just take the enlightenment, please.

Just the enlightenment. Okay, okay.

So tell me, love, what is something about you that defines you?

- Something that defines me? - Yeah.

Sound effects, I think. Yeah.

Oh, tell me more about these sound effects.

Well, I've always been able to do sound effects,

and I think that harks back to my days as a schoolboy.

You see...

Did that happen? I'm not... Anyway.

Back in New Zealand...

I went to a school,

growing up. I grew up

- as a small child and... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Forced upon me was this thing called schooling.

And I went to a school that wasn't great.

I'm not going to tell you the name of the school, just in case, you know...

You know someone who went to Edgewater College, but it was a shit school,

and it might have changed now, hopefully, couldn't get any worse.

But no, it was good.

It was all right. But I, you know, you make do

with where you are and what you're doing, but I have this vivid memory,

and this is, I think, where sound effects really became part of my life,

because we had this PE teacher called Mr. Thompson,

and he thought he was God's gift.

He was... He used to say he was an Adonis.

And I didn't know what that meant but he said, "Oh, I'm a physical man,

"you know, they named the gazelle after me."

And you know, none of his kind of stuff made sense, but...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Uh,

the annual sports day, which every school does

and still does...

For him, he was the guy who was in control of the running races.

Now, we're all about, like 10, 12 years old.

But I remember vividly that he had this starter gun,

and he insisted on using this to start the running race for the young boys.

And so there he was and he'd say, "All right, on your marks."

And of course, that's a classic thing to say.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

No surprises there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Get set". Yeah,

heard that one.

But here is the difference at my school, and I found this out later.

At my school, you could choose your own get set position.

Which is odd, but on the "Get set,"

and once you've chosen your position, by the way, you've gotta show Mr. Thompson,

and that's your position for the rest of your schooling career.

Now, my get-set position.

I didn't really have time to think about it. I just went for that one.

You know, sort of... There you are. Sort of ready to run, really.

Other kids were way more creative, the guy next to me, Gavin, his was one leg out.

Now, I think he was thinking that he's already half a pace ahead.

But of course, in between "Get set"

and the bang of the gun sometimes

was a couple of minutes, and he would lose balance.

"Come on, quickly!" So the guy next to him, Mark, now,

he had one leg right back and two forward, which did look odd.

but on the bang of the gun would really thrust,

and he'd be an absolute starter for 10. That guy, he'd really go.

And then later on, he actually started

wearing his dad's cricket gloves just to give the extra thrust.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, real, real thruster that guy.

But then the gloves would drag him down after a few paces,

with the wind on them, and he would dislodge them.

And he'd just sort of... So after you'd run, you'd...

You'd have to watch out for Mark's gloves, and you knew that.

And you'd hear that they're going to come. Fourth guy along,

Jason. He was just too cool for school,

but unfortunately did have to attend school.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [LAUGHS]

So on his get-set, looks like this.

He had one of those Spaceman candy sticks.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[TEACHER'S VOICE] "Get set...

"Get set, I said, Jason." I'm fucking set, mate.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

So that was him.

Going on the end here, George on his get-set.

He'd just turn around, and...

Didn't like running, and on the bang of the gun,

he just run to the library.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Always ran to the library, never got anywhere.

But, of course, in future life, he's now a professor.

So, who's the last one laughing?

- Don't know, haven't checked. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Haven't... I'm out of touch with all of them now,

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

but back to Mr. Thompson with the gun.

So we're all on these positions, and I was always on the inside lane.

And instead of like, doing this with the starter gun,

which you're supposed to, he'd just have it there.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - And I didn't like this.

And I'm just a young kid, and I'm ready to go like this.

Ready for the bang of the gun,

and I'm looking at it,

cause it's right bloody here, you know,

and I'm thinking, "Mr. Thompson, that's a bit close isn't it?"

[TEACHER'S VOICE] "Shut up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I start to think, he wants me dead, does he?

Is he having an affair with my mom?

Something's going on there...

and then he would just pull the trigger on it.

And, you know, the loudest bang you've ever heard.

Bang! Like that.

But 20 times that, imagine that 20 times that.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And with that, of course, just intense,

in my ear.

Everyone else would run.

And for me, I'd just collapse

I'd basically fall over and I'd have a ringing in my ear for months,

and I just... I remember,

like looking up and having this tone in my ear

[BLARING NOISE] looking at him laughing, going... [CHUCKLING]

So, not a great man for me.

But one year, and I was really happy with this.

This is where the sound effects came in.

I found myself in the middle of the field,

so that's the first time I wasn't on the inside lane.

I'll never forget Mr. Thompson looking and going,

"Oh, what the hell?" and... No shit.

He did this.

Once we'd done the whole, you know, get-set.

He actually leaned over, leaned over a couple of dudes to sort of make sure.

And I'm like here in the middle, "Aw, come on, you can't.

"Please... Mrs. Hipditch!"

That's the librarian, waiting to receive George, you know.

[LIBRARIAN'S VOICE] "Ah, Mr. Thompson, please. You can't do that.

"Come on, now." And...

So I think, lucky she was there, and he didn't... Okay.

So okay, and then, he'd do the normal one for once, bang, and off we went.

And this was the first time I actually managed to get away.

And so I ran and I still had the tone

of the earlier bangs in my head, and so I decided to mimic it.

I don't know why, but as I ran, I just went

- [BLARING NOISE] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And the guys on either side of me just went, "What the fuck, mate!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

They veered off, you know, even George, going to the library.

- "Jesus!" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Yeah. Book on hot rods, mate." Uh...

Bit weird for a professor. Anyway, so I'm... [BLARING NOISE]

And they're all dripping off.

[BLARING]

And I won. I won, Galway.

- I won. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]

And I think...

because I won that race, it's sort of surmounted in my head,

that sound effects was a positive thing.

Mimic machinery and you'll become a winner in life.

I don't know, I was only young, but I didn't use sound effects again

in real life, since that day.

Up until recently... I was developing this show and I thought, I wonder if

I could do sound effects in real life and get away with it like I did that day.

Hmm. Let's try it out, Rhys. Okay.

Okay. That's just me there, talking about it.

Me and me. So then I did it,

And it was in Los Angeles a while back, and I went to the supermarket.

One I go to all the time, just like any supermarket you have here,

you've got your checkouts, and then down the end,

you've got your self-checkout situation.

Where people can... Very trendy now, just to check yourself out.

[CHORTLES] Just a series of mirrors... no.

- [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Where you can just... you put your own things through.

And, of course, much quicker.

I don't have to deal with the person.

Ah, you know... it's handy.

We'll do it and I'd been through a few times and I'd done it.

And I'd heard the noise, You know that... [BEEPS]

And I thought I could probably mimic that noise.

I wonder if I could get away with just, you know, because there's no staff around.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - But there is always one staff, isn't there?

If you remember in the self-checkout area, there's always one staff member there,

who's just sort of guarding it, isn't there? Sort of. It's only a lady.

Just sort of looking at you and just making sure you've got...

"You've got a club card, use your club card, okay, good. Oh, you're buying some alcohol.

"Got some ID?

- "ID? No? Well then, no alcohol. Okay." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"You want some help with the bag, have you heard of how a bag works?"

that kind of person.

So, really they're sort of helping,

but really, I think they're guarding it

just to make sure no one's doing any shifty's,

you know, so into me, preparing to do a shifty.

So, I've got my basket.

I'm coming in looking really normal...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I see the lady helping out someone with a bag...

I thought, well, here's my chance. So I got my stuff and I scanned my stuff

through, but just outside the range of the scanner, and I did the beep.

So I just got my items...

[BEEPS]

I'm looking around and no one's battering an eyelid.

My sound is perfect.

No one cares, all the other ones are beeping,

and I'm just doing the same thing, except I'm doing it. [BEEPS]

[BEEPS]

[BEEPS] You know, it's perfect.

You can, you can tell that.

And... but here's where I got cocky.

Probably got too many items... On the sixth item of 13 that I had.

I screwed it up.

I went... [BEEPS OFF-TUNE]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And the moment I did that, the guard lady who was helping...

Still helping someone with a bag, obviously an absolute idiot.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

As soon as I did the bad beep, she just looked up...

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - Excuse me...

And she walked over to me.

She walked over. She went, "Excuse me.

"Are you doing the beeps yourself?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

What do you say to that?

I mean, I'm there, all my items are through on the baggage area.

The checkout, it's not even on,

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's out of order,

this one, and I'm just... So I'm clear, I'm caught red handed.

There's no two ways about it.

And she says it again.

"Are you doing the beeps yourself?"

And this is what

I replied with. I went...

Oh, am I?

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [LAUGHS]

I'm sorry.

Ah, I... I'm from New Zealand.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Sorry, we normally do the beeps ourselves.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We don't have bags,

you grab all your stuff and you take it home

and then you bring back what you can't use.

And this is a computer, is it?

It's an actual... Oh, heard about these.

Oh, God.

Yah no, we always do the beeps.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And I think a lot of that, she didn't understand. So it was like...

[BLABBERS INDISTINCTLY]

And she's thinking, "I'm not fucking dealing with this guy."

Or she did understand it and thought, "No, he's bonkers.

"I'm... gonna walk away slowly."

So she walked away slowly, and I took advantage of that,

- and I just put my stuff in a bag and fucked off. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Got out!

Got away with it.

Walking home now.

I was very nervous... waiting for the sirens.

You know...

[IMITATES SIREN]

Whatever they fucking sound like these days.

[IMITATES SIREN]

Never a normal siren these days. is it?

[IMITATES SIREN]

[IMITATES SIREN] What the hell is that?

That's the police forces all over the world.

They're all doing it, no matter where you are,

which country. You're still getting that... [IMITATES SIREN]

[IMITATES SIREN] I mean, what's that one?

[IMITATES SIREN] Who... how are they doing that?

Remember, back in the day when you got a full siren?

[IMITATES OLD-STYLE SIREN] You knew you're in the shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

but now it's... [IMITATES SIREN]

it's almost like...

the main police chief of the world,

has got all the police forces together in a big meeting.

Sit down everybody, listen up.

I didn't want it to have to get to this point, but we are running out of sirens.

Overuse of the 80s and 90s.

Too many chases.

We shouldn't keep them on... now,

how many sirens have we got left?

Brian? "320."

All right, thank you.

Take a seat, Brian. Keep your hat on.

Okay, So, just as a demonstration siren here.

So now, if you want to let people

know you're on track of them, or for them to pull over.

It's a simple... [IMITATES SIREN] Okay. [IMITATES SIREN] Now,

you know, that's the worst-case scenario there.

I think if they haven't... [IMITATES SIREN] but that's it.

I mean, I've already used up five there.

Fuck. I've just used up five.

Brian, put those back in my car.

Shouldn't have...

Done that. [IMITATES SIREN] Hey who was that?

[IMITATES SIREN] Oh, come on guys. [IMITATES SIREN] Stop it.

Put your sirens away.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[IMITATES SIREN] Michael.

I saw you. Put it away.

[IMITATES SIREN] Yeah, nice one.

Get out there, everybody.

And don't use your sirens.

Almost get people.

All right? Good luck. [IMITATES SIREN]

- Thank you... prick. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I think this is the whole world over.

So, here's what I think you guys should do tonight when you're driving home

and you're being chased by the police,

because it's going to happen. I know.

So, when you're driving along and you're on your way home

and you hear... [IMITATES SIREN] Don't pull over

for that shit, don't... Wind your window down,

and say, "What's that? A dog vomiting?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Get fucked.

[IMITATES SIREN] No... piss off!

Give us a full siren, mate.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I dare ya, but also make sure you remove your rear vision mirrors

because there's no getting around not seeing the flashing lights.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

VOICEOVER: Oh, my love.

I thought the police had finally caught up with me.

But no, it was just your sound effects.

They are so believable.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Sorry about that.

VOICEOVER: You are a natural mimic.

And I think this is because you have lived many lives up until now.

Oh.

I'm just checking out my crystal ball here,

and I see that this is your first life as an actual human.

So that's interesting.

- What? - Oh, that explains your genuine

naivety and hopeful optimism.

Well, I am a glass-half-full kind of guy.

We'll get to your drinking problem in a minute.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hey!

But right now I'm having a vision...

Yes, I can see all of your past lives.

Oh, and I have news for you.

- What? - Hey, listen to this.

Every life that you've lived up until now,

you've been a bird.

- A bird! - Yeah a bird, many birds, flying through time.

You know, life after life.

What?

But I'm a man now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] That's a good one.

Come on.

Okay, but hey... my vision's becoming more clear.

[WHISPERS] What?

You are a good mimic because you were a lyrebird.

Oh, lyrebird... What's so weird about that?

Well, my love, unfortunately, it means that you were Australian.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRYING] No!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CRYING] No!

No!

[CRYING] It can't be!

I can't be Aussie!

[CRYING] No!

No!

[MIMICKING GUNSHOTS]

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - [MIMICKING GUNSHOTS]

[MIMICKING GUNSHOTS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Well that was weird. I think he's right, though.

Yeah, the lyrebird.

I must have been a lyrebird. That is the world's greatest mimic.

Look it up. If you haven't heard of it... it can mimic any machinery.

And that's what I do for no reason.

I just hear a sound and then I just do it.

Then I feel like an idiot once I've done it,

but that's it. It could be an overhang from my previous life.

Think about it. Some of you here tonight,

you might have a characteristic about you that you can't explain, whether it be

a noise or a tick or a dance move or, well, maybe just an idea or thought

that you keep putting out to the public and they think, "Now, don't say that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Don't, no. Don't.

Well, there could be some people here tonight. For example, I don't know, who don't...

someone might not believe in the effects of climate change.

Maybe in your previous life, you were a cunt.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[LAUGHS]

When I got that sudden realization... I was struck by lightning.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I could almost hear it.

Uh... You know, you come to the other

side of the world and you think, they're going to have a big budget in Galway.

The speakers will be magnificent.

- [THUNDERCLAP] - Oh!

- [THUNDERCLAP] - Ah, fuck. That's better.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Shit!

Woo!

- [BIRDS CHIRPING] - Yeah, being struck by lightning is weird.

I don't know if you've ever experienced it,

But on this occasion, I actually left my body.

I astral projected myself out of my castle of human endeavors.

And there I want floating up, looking down

and I could see a self-simulated reality in front of my eyes.

A visual representation of myself, as many birds through the history of time,

for I had lived as many birds and there I was as I looked at myself, out of myself.

I was in fact, a pterodactyl.

[SQUAWKS]

[CONTINUES SQUAWKING]

Then I flew as a mighty Haast eagle.

Sweeping across Aotearoa with my big flappy wings.

[SQUAWKS]

I engaged into battle with the giant moa.

[MIMICKING MOA SOUNDS]

Oh, fuck. My neck.

He broke my neck, Mom.

Mom!

1942. North Africa.

I was a messenger pigeon serving for the Royal Airforce.

Put the message on me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Coo!

Put on there. Put on there. Put the message on me.

Coo!

Tighter. Put on tighter.

Tighter.

Yeah.

Coo!

Coo!

Coo!

Coo!

Message must get through!

[YELLING IN GERMAN]

[MIMICKING GUNSHOTS]

[YELLING IN GERMAN]

Coo.

Ah, fuck, my wing!

My wing broken.

Come on! No!

No!

I'm going down.

Broken wing. Broken heart.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Don't tell anybody you saw that.

But it's true.

It's all true.

Of course it's true. I've always been a bird flying through time.

I've always felt free.

As free as a bird.

Makes sense, there's no creature on Earth or even above it

that is as free

as the bird.

Until, of course, it gets trapped in your house.

And we've all experienced this, right?

The amazing bird that accidentally flies into your house.

And then there's nothing on Earth...

that shows the sheer panic of a trapped bird.

[MIMICKING PANICKED BIRD]

Shit, where am I?

What the fuck's this?

It's a wall! Ah, no!

Help me!

It's a wall! It's a wall, why?

Where's my world?

What is this?

The wall's still there. Help!

The wall's still there!

Why?

Wall's still there!

Help me!

And as humans, we panic as well.

We don't know how to deal with that.

Shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Quick.

Open the door, don't you... Open the...

Out you go.

Go.

They can't understand that.

What are you doing?

Who are you? The wall's still there.

Please.

The only thing you can do

in that situation is open every window in your house.

We've all done it,

and opened every door,

and just leave your house for a week.

Just...

Just go.

And then come back a week later.

I think he's gone.

And there he is on the fridge.

Help me!

"Where have you been"

Wall's still there!

Stupid, stupid birds.

Stupid me.

Once I had an owl fly into my house

and I thought, Oh, he'll be smarter, you know.

That old misconception.

It was a morepork. It was a New Zealand owl.

And it didn't flap about as much.

It just sort of stood there, on the dining room table, looking at me.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Amazing eyes.

Amazing peripheral vision.

No matter where I walked,

it still looked at me.

It's like the Mona Lisa of birds.

No, it's not. It doesn't matter.

But it reminded me of myself, when I started to think about my own

peripheral visions, and I've got good priffs.

Right now, I'm using my front visuals and I've got you all in there, I can see you all.

But when I turn this way and use my right priffs...

Still got you all.

Can see you all. Still got you all.

Still got you all.

Still got you all. You're out now.

Pretty good!

Guy laughing.

He walked out.

So pretty good right priffs.

The left. Not so good.

Got you all. You're gone.

There you are.

Nothing.

So, no good on that side.

But right priffs probably better than the fronts.

You might see me around Galway, sort of just...

Doing the old American side-walking.

Meeting you like that.

Good day, mate. Saw you as well.

Didn't see you. I...

You're not there. Okay.

I miss Mom because I think she would have loved that joke.

We had some good times together.

We grew up together, Mom and I.

She was a lot older, but...

[SIGHS]

We'd make up funny things.

Funny stories. The 80's and 90's were big for us, because that was before

the smartphone era, before computers really, you know, got plugged in.

Mom never got into computers or the smartphone stuff,

and so, for me, our happiest

memories are us walking around town together

and communicating with people in real life.

Remember, back in the day, when people used to talk to you?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, those were the days, eh?

People would ask for directions.

Remember that? Before the smartphone, people would come up

and say, "Excuse me, how did I get to such and such?"

You know, and I was with my mom and I enjoyed talking to these people

because... Especially with directions, I never knew where I was, I'm a kid.

I still don't, but I would offer the same direction advice every time.

And Mom would let me do it, "Oh, Rhys will tell you."

And I, "Thanks, Mom."

Uh, yep. You want to go to the church?

Absolutely. Straight through the lights.

Second on your left, around the roundabout and fourth on your right.

"Oh, thank you very much."

And off they'd go, and I'd have no idea where they went.

I'd just say the same thing, every time.

The speedway? Absolutely.

Through the lights, second on your right.

Round the roundabout, fourth on your left.

And off they'd go and there was no roundabouts in half those towns.

We'd have a good laugh, we would think about

what possibly happened to these people.

Ah, good times.

People used to knock on our doors too, people used to knock on your door.

They probably still do in Galway.

But here, well, I should say there, and especially Los Angeles,

no, it's really dangerous to knock on people's doors.

I mean... It's really like, you know, it's not the done thing.

And I remember recently going through an occurrence

of being at home with my family in LA

and there being a knock on the door... [MIMICS KNOCKING]

And me going, "Okay, this is weird.

"Rosie, are we expecting anyone?" That's my wife.

"No." Okay.

You haven't ordered anything?

"No." Okay.

Well, this is weird. [MIMICS KNOCKING] Shit!

Okay, get down, kids. Everyone, get down!

Get behind the sofa.

Quickly. Put that down.

This could be...

Don't know what this could be, actually.

[MIMICS KNOCKING] Shit.

No! Ah...

I yelled out "No."

"Stupid!" I know.

Sorry. I panicked.

"Obviously, you're here, if..."

I know. I'll fix it. I'll fix it.

[CALLS OUT] No one's home!

This is a recording.

Sorry.

You've come at bad time because no one's here.

However, I'm recording this

just to let you know, no one's home.

Please call again some other time.

All the best. Love from us, here.

End of message.

Beep.

Rewind.

[MIMICKING TAPE REWIND]

Play.

"You wouldn't say play." Shut up.

"Well, you wouldn't. Why would you say play?"

I just fuck... I'm just doing it. All right. Stop! Sorry.

My wife's walked into the recording studio.

Get out.

[WHISPERING] Just go along with it.

"What?" Just go along with it.

[CALLS OUT] Stay out of my recording studio

when I'm doing my door messages.

You know, I've only got the one tape.

This will be all on it now, it's an undeletable type...

You got me for Christmas.

Goddamn you!

You cheapskate!

I'll never forget it. These undeletable type!

Now I'm using it and you're all on it. This is all on it.

God, I'm probably running out of tape, am I?

Two sugars. Thanks, doll.

Anyway, um...

[MIMICS KNOCKING] Oh, fuck, he hasn't bought it.

He's still knocking.

Right. That's it. Kids, get into the panic room, quickly. Get in there.

Get into the panic room, quickly.

All right. Sit down.

[CHILD'S VOICE] "Why? What's happening, Dad?"

Well, I think the world's coming to an end, okay?

"Why is there someone at the door?"

I don't know. But where we're in the shit, so just you fold some blankets.

Okay? Try and get AM radio going.

I'll cook some beans.

This could be... We've had a good life, haven't we?

You had a good life? Yeah.

[MIMICS KNOCKING] Shit. That's this door.

He's got through phase one.

Right. That's it. Get into the second panic room.

Quickly. Go in. Get in there.

Quickly.

Hurry up.

All right, get down.

Fold some more blankets.

I'll get some more beans going.

These beans are quick, aren't they?

"I don't want to die."

Well, you will die very soon.

So, you'll never forget your fifth birthday, eh?

Well, you will in a minute, but...

Oh, I don't even want those. [MIMICS KNOCKING]

Fuck! He's knocking on this door. Are we locking the doors?

Wait a minute, where's your mother?

[SIGHS]

Hi, darling. How are you? Good? Good, good.

Very formal there with my wife, too.

They say it's the key to a good marriage,

I think, always just very polite to each other.

Hello, darling. Good, good, good.

When you wake up in the morning.

Good morning.

Kids, come through, meet your Mom again.

So, that's just an example of sort of life that goes on in California, there.

Always panicking, always worried, always putting out the voice tapes for the door.

And just, I think, because the world in general,

there's the terrorist thing is still there and there's the...

There's the fear, there's the worry, Mom...

Mom never really had a lot of that in her last few years

and she never kind of... She wasn't happy with me going to LA.

And I didn't think to myself, have I made the right decision?

Have I uplifted my kids and taken them to LA?

Well, yes. I have.

So that was an easy one to work out. But then...

[LAUGHS]

But then it was why, you know, and obviously,

they do have better opportunities.

There's more things to do there than in NZ.

You know, take a long weekend and you've done it.

But then America, more things.

Legoland, for example.

My kids love Lego, and there's a Legoland down the road in LA.

And I never forget taking my kids to that.

My oldest boy, Finn.

I entered him into a Lego building competition.

Because he's good with Lego, and this will blow you away.

Or maybe not. I don't know what your state is,

but there was six kids making something out of Lego,

they had a time limit and five out of the six kids,

guess what they made out of Lego?

Yep, That's right. They made guns.

What the hell?

Pretty good guns.

You know, like really good...

Some of them had telescopic sights.

One gun had a strap, I don't how you make that out of Lego, but pretty fantastic.

But still they're making... This is America for you. My son, Finn,

he... I don't know what he was making.

He was just so busy making something.

He finally finished it, and he held it up, and I see it.

That is... what is that?

Great! And then he took it up to the judge

and the judge said, This is...

This is not what the others have made. What have you made here?

And he said... He held it up. His name's Finn.

He said, "I've made an F for Finn."

Just a big F, and the judge was blown away.

He was like, "Oh, that's gorgeous.

"And you know what? You've won."

And I... my heart pumped, Which is normal.

I checked, I checked it.

And I said, "Rosie, well, my heart's still working there."

He said, "Good."

And so he held up the F and he won, there was an applause from the audience.

"Yay!"

And he said, "F for Finn," you know, it was a big F.

and he walked over the end of the stage with it. And then as he got to here,

he turned it around and he went,

[MIMICKING GUNSHOTS]

"It's a gun you, dick head!"

I loved it. I loved it.

Kiwi ingenuity. Trick them.

So he won a box of crayons and a certificate.

Very proud of him, there.

And I do leave...

I do leave the family on occasion, and I do...

I do worry. I do worry.

Not for them, for myself, because I'm away from them.

And who's going to look after me?

And I shoot this show called Wrecked,

which I'm sure you've all seen.

Good, good, fantastic.

We shoot it in

like, tropical islands. I know, it's difficult,

but the first season was in Puerto Rico, and I've never been there before.

And you know, at the best of times it can be

quite a shady place... Good trees.

But... Also...

Even I killed myself as I said that,

but dodgy, really, place.

And so there I am, away from my family.

And this was a nervous time for me, because

I was situated in a less-than-desirable area

of this pretty cool island.

If you go to the right area.

But I wasn't. I was in a... My wife's fault.

She put me up somewhere where, you know,

my life was threatened on a daily occasion and we did save money.

But, you know, I nearly died.

So one night, in the middle of the night,

I had to suddenly go and get some money out from an ATM.

And that sounds dodgy.

I know, but trust me, I just needed to... So,

I'm out, late at night and to pay for the prostitute I needed to...

I'm joking. I'm joking.

So, let's just say I'm joking.

So, I'm walking along on in the middle of the night, and basically,

It was a bleak area and poorly lit

and I saw these cars on the side of the road,

parked up right there, pretty normal.

Except there was always a person in each car.

And so I see a car,

and there's a guy sitting in there.

Oh, yeah. He must be waiting for someone.

Another car, another guy sitting in there.

"What are you doing in there? Bit weird."

Another car. Another guy.

I thought, "Come on, what's happening here?"

That is odd. Because in New Zealand, when you drive somewhere,

you get out, you know.

So, I was almost tempted to go up to the second guy

and say, hey, I think you've arrived.

You're parked up, your lights are off.

You should get out and do what you gotta do.

What do you doing there?

But I didn't. I just kept walking to the ATM.

And it was like, 2:00 a.m.

And I was starting to think, as I passed the third car,

I thought, hang on.

This could be a mugging zone.

And they're like, sitting in their cars just waiting for a dweeb.

That's what my head's thinking, you know?

And so I'm going, "Oh, God. here we go. Do your fast walk."

And then I heard one of the car doors open.

[MAKING DOOR OPENING SOUND] Like that, and a guy...

Footsteps came out of the car. And the guy came with the footsteps.

All of him came out.

And I could hear it, you know,

and so I did what any sane person would do when they're a bit worried.

Just do a few head jerks, you know?

Did three of those.

It was after the third one,

I thought, now that makes me look even more muggable, you know.

You'd probably mug that guy, wouldn't you?

So...

Old jerky. Old beef jerks.

So I think...

So I think, after the third one... Now just keep your head going that way.

Be confident... Do an American.

Slow it down actually, be more macho, you know.

[EXHALES] And then, the footstep got closer,

and I just couldn't help thinking he was gonna mug me.

So I had to have another look.

But I've done three quick head jerks.

So what was I gonna... I needed a purpose for my turnaround, you know?

So I'm thinking, you're an actor, Rhys.

Think of something.

Must be a reason why I have got to have a look around. [CHUCKLES]

So, I... My... And here's what I did.

I think I probably overdid it a bit.

I sort of went, oh, how far have I come?

Like I'm on stage at the Globe or something.

Oh, how far have I come?

But it worked because as I turned..

and I probably shouldn't have done the flourish...

The guy who was following me, incidentally then just suddenly

like, took off and hid behind a pillar.

So, yes, very suspect indeed.

Because who sits in their car till 2:00 a.m. Right?

And then runs off to a pillar.

Mr. Up-to-no-good, that's who.

Unless these three guys in their cars were pillar enthusiasts

and had been driving around all night with a map and trying to work out

where the latest pillars were or some of the most classic ones.

And then he finally pulled up and had finally waited for me

to get past enough courage to to go out because all he was doing

was getting a selfie with a pillar.

But I don't think that's what happened.

So I'm walking along. He's behind the pillar.

I'm thinking, all right, well, maybe he's learned his lesson there.

Don't mess with an actor.

Ah, so...

I keep walking towards the ATM, I can see it now.

It's only about 20 meters away, and then I hear the footsteps again.

I think, oh, shit, he's coming back.

He's having another go.

But I can't around now. I've already done that.

What's my excuse for turning this time?

I've done three head jerks.

I've done a "How far have I come?"

There's nothing else I could...

He's not gonna believe another turn.

He's not going to believe it.

So this is what I did, guys.

I did, and I've done this on the odd occasion.

I did it again now. it's the Darby freeze,

and that's where you're just walking and you just freeze.

You can do it yourself, if you want.

Just add your own surname into it

and it could be your freeze.

But this is my one.

And so I did that, and I just stopped, basically.

And his footsteps [WHISPERING] stopped as well.

I thought, it's worked.

And I'm thinking, how long do I stay like this?

I can't wait till the morning, I'm getting hungry.

So... And I still wanted to have a look.

So this is what I did.

And I to this day, I don't know why I did it, but I did a really slow pan.

Now, as I got to hear my right priffs clicked in

and I clearly saw him.

Way before he knew that I would see him.

But I was amazed to see

that the guy not only was he frozen,

but he'd frozen in a suspect way.

And then once I started panning, the cheeky prick paned as well.

So he's panning, not as good as me.

He doesn't have the drama training.

A bit, you know, a bit jaggedly.

But he's panning and I'm panning as well.

Now we're both panning like this.

Like a couple of ornaments in an old German clock or something.

[HUMS TUNE]

Now, before long, I'm now facing him and he's facing the other way.

And I'm thinking for a split second, "Should I mug him?"

Now the tables have turned, my friend.

But I didn't. I looked at the bulge in his wallet, didn't look big.

I don't need it.

I was going to get my own money out.

That was closer, but it's a bit of a kerfuffle.

What would I do?

So I thought, no, and stupidly, I just keep panning.

Now, this was my worst mistake, I think,

because I should have... But I just keep panning round like this.

So I'm going all the way and he's panning as well.

He's here, still in a suspect move.

He's panning around.

And now, as he gets to here, his right priffs click in.

And he's looking at me and I'm about here

and my left priffs have clicked in.

and they're terrible, so I can't see shit.

He's gone to me now. and I'm thinking, "Ah, he's gone."

I can't see anything.

Shouldn't have... I panned too far.

Saw that movie, A Pan Too Far.

One for the dads.

[LAUGHS]

Anyway, I got to here.

And he must have known.

And he must have read about me.

Obviously done his research.

He knew my left pan was awful.

So... Sorry. My left priffs.

And, so then he just broke out of his pan like this,

and then he's like, right, here we go.

And he came up, then he's coming up like this.

No, I couldn't see that.

I'm just imagining that's what he's doing.

I can't see shit.

I'm still here. I'm still panning.

But I can hear the footsteps.

And so I just panicked, and I went into what anyone would go into in that situation.

A fake phone call.

Hello.

Hello, Police Commissioner.

Yes, no, that's me.

Sorry, mate. I'm just talking to the police commissioner.

And he was about here at this point.

Yes. What's that? I've just been accepted into police college?

Wow! Thank you, sir.

Top marks!

Is that right?

Top marks in karate!

I don't know whether you're hearing this,

but just... The police commissioner.

Just been accepted into police college. Top marks in karate.

So, do what you will.

But I'm just letting you know that this is a very momentous occasion for me.

Just talking to the potential mugger here.

Sorry, sir.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Yeah. Oh, yes.

I still have the sidearm that you issued me with during training.

I know it's odd that I've still got the sidearm

but they must have known something.

I didn't give it back on the weekend

because he must have known I was gonna be top cadet.

Yeah. I've still got it here. It's fully loaded and ready to go.

I don't know if you picked that up...

Joined the police force. Got a fully-loaded gun.

Shouldn't be letting you know all this, you're probably hearing it anyways

on speaker.

Yes. No, no, no.

I'm just talking to a guy.

That's... No. He's actually left now.

He's passed me.

That chap I'm talking to, and he's using the ATM.

So what I'm gonna do now is let a lot of this imagination go

because you're not even there.

I think I've read the situation completely wrong.

[SHAMAN VOICEOVER CHUCKLING]

All right.

You use your sense of humor

to get through the difficult moments in life.

This is a good thing.

It reminds me of someone.

I'm so proud of you.

That's what I always hope for you.

It is, you know, I miss my mom so much.

Comedy was such a big part of her life.

Any time things didn't go well, if there was any sort of,

ah, depressing time or like, for example,

an All Blacks loss, Mom would cut through

the awkwardness with her surreal humor,

and all of a sudden life would be worth living again.

And I miss that.

Yeah, that's good. That's choice.

That sense of humor is a gift given to you

when you were a tiny, squeaky little boy.

I wasn't always squeaky,

to be honest with you, that's actually, that's something

that sort of came on in later life.

Yeah, it's a syndrome, I think.

I've got the opposites, my balls didn't drop.

They actually went up.

It's almost unheard of, but, yeah, they went right up,

right up, it's my balls here, so...

It's getting worse by the year. [SQUEAKS]

VOICEOVER: Please.

Stop rubbing your balls.

Sorry.

The only reason that you fear the human race is that you are new to it.

And now, my love, I think it's time for me to go.

But before I go, I want you to know

that you being who you are is a good thing, okay?

We are all here for a reason.

And I think you have found your reason in front of you tonight.

So get out there and perform because your mother, she's watching.

You're right.

Thanks, tree man.

Yeah, I can't give up comedy.

What am I talking about? It's the only thing I'm good at,

So I'm gonna perform for you tonight,

Galway.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Maracas!

Unbelievable.

[MARACAS RATTLING]

♪ Suspicious streets of Puerto Rico

♪ Dodgy-doers on the prowl

♪ I was locked out of my hotel

♪ Or should I say my motel?

♪ Wearing nothing but a towel

♪ Suspicious streets of Puerto Rico

[VOCALIZING]

♪ I was approached by a man

[VOCALIZING]

♪ I couldn't understand his lingo

♪ Something about me being a gringo

♪ And would I step into his van

♪ Suspicious streets of Puerto Rico

[VOCALIZING]

♪ What's a naked man to do

[VOCALIZING]

♪ I was locked out of my hotel

♪ Or should I say my motel?

♪ Simply looking just for you

♪ And your kazoo ♪

[PLAYING KAZOO]

Hey!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That's for you, Mom.

Well, I've got to return to Puerto Rico because I'm in the military now.

Obviously, I'm a top cadet in the police.

But before I do, I think the whole thing

is that one of the messages we can get from the show

is that we need to stay together, be together.

Humans are fearful and fearsome at the same time.

I think John Lennon,

with his song "Imagine" really sort of got it out there

that we could be a greater people, a greater planet.

And I've tried to do the same thing

with "Suspicious Streets of Puerto Rico".

One of my new releases, which is going to be

coming out very soon.

On cassette.

On door cassette.

So if you've got one of those tape recorders that you use

when people come to your door, put it in there.

And I think that people are worrying and, you know,

the whole planet isn't there yet,

in fact, that's gone back many steps,

and it's really hard to kind of fathom

how, as people when we're doing so well and changing and becoming better humans,

that we can make so many steps back, right, in the last few years,

and that's pretty fucked up and you think to yourself, why, how?

What is wrong with this thing?

Who's controlling it?

And what about the aliens?

And yes, that's what we're going to end on.

We're going to talk about the little beings

that are watching us. Who are shit scared of us.

They're not gonna get in contact because we're so weird.

We keep ruining it.

And just to show you now a little insert

as to what is actually going on.

Imagine how scared little aliens must be

when they do see us, because we see them

and we think... [SCREAMS]

It's worse for them.

Let's have a look at this.

Here's a scenario, two aliens

in a small UFO coming down to Earth.

[MAKING WARBLING NOISES]

This is where all the drama training really comes in here.

[WARBLING AND BEEPING]

That's the UFO.

That's not a dude with two hands doing...

They're inside it, now. Look, there he is.

[WARBLING]

Here we are. Look, George.

Just above Earth.

Oh, look, there's a human. [LAUGHS]

Look at him. So weird, aren't they?

Shit, he's seen us.

Ah, he is looking straight at us. George, quick!

Put the cloaking device on.

[BLABBERING IN ALIEN VOICE]

It's a different species, different spices.

But they get along, absolutely.

[ALIEN BLABBERING]

Cloaked.

Nice one. George.

Ha ha! We've disappeared now, haven't we?

Look, he's scratching his head.

Good, all right. We'd better get back to the mothership.

Let's get out of here.

We've seen one.

Check that off the list.

[ALIEN BLABBERING]

[IMITATES TRYING TO START IGNITION]

Uh-oh!

[IMITATES IGNITION FAILING]

You're kidding me. You flooded it?

I can't believe it. How many galaxies have we been to?

What's the fuel gauge say?

Uh... E.

E. Nice one, knob. Great, okay.

Well, your good looks aren't gonna get you through this one, are they?

The cloaking device is gonna wear off in 30 seconds and we're screwed.

He's gonna identify us.

It's aliens, proper aliens to them as they are to us.

Right. Let's go up to the glass

and give him the photo that he deserves.

The cloaking device is gonna wear off.

Come on. Come on, George.

Let's give him the photo he wants.

George!

Oh... I don't want to.

I feel stupid. [MOANS]

Don't feel stupid.

Just come and do it, okay?

I'm sure they'll put needles into me first.

[MIMICS SIREN BLARING]

Holy shit. A police car.

George. It's a police car.

Oh, no. You know what that means?

That's a credible witness.

Body policemen with uniforms and things by their names.

That's it... What're we gonna do? We can't...

Shit, another policeman.

[MIMICS SIREN]

Oh, shit, there's two of them.

That's it.

Abduct them.

Abduct them? Abduct the policemen?

Okay.

I saw you up there.

You're under arrest.

Whoa... Oh, shit.

Aah! Help me!

Aah!

[CONTINUES YELLING]

It's a long way, it's quiet high up. [CONTINUES YELLING]

What the hell happened?

Right, you two.

I don't know what you just did, some sort of magic, but you're under arrest.

Take me to your leader.

I can't. We can't get it started.

It's George's fault. He flooded it.

[MOANING]

George.

All right, well, where you from?

And how do I get there?

Easy, it's through the light.

Second on your left.

Round the roundabout, fourth on your right.

Rhys?

I always knew you were weird.

Wait a minute. I recognize that gun.

Mr. Thompson?

That's right.

Yeah. I got fired from the school.

Inappropriate shooting behavior.

Had to get away as far as I could get.

I came to Galway.

Where everyone goes to run.

And now you're dead, my friend.

[IMITATES COCKING GUN]

Bang!

[MAKES BLARING NOISE]

Here goes the bullet.

[MOANING]

Bullet.

Bullet. [BLABBERS]

Crack, crack.

The bullet goes through.

Hole gets bigger.

Wind comes in.

Or out, I'm not good at physics.

Who fucking knows?

[MOANING]

Oh, no what have you done to my ship?

We will never get anywhere now, you prick.

I've always been a shit shot.

Damn it!

Damn you.

[MOANING]

Hole getting bigger and bigger.

[YELLING]

He's right. What's that?

[MOANS]

[SQUAWKING]

Fuck, there's a wall there! Help me!

Help me.

There's a wall still there. Help me.

What is this place? Help! [SCREAMING]

Help me!

Shit.

It's a bird.

Don't shoot it. It's me from a previous life.

[BLABBERS]

What the fuck!

[SQUAWKS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank you.

Thank you, Galway.

You're too kind.

Thank you very much.

I'm moving here. I'm moving here.

Wow!

Come to my auditions.