All language subtitles for Pete Holmes - 2016 - faces and sounds ENG

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♪ ♪

(cheers, applause)

Announcer:
Please welcome Pete Holmes!

(cheers, applause)

♪ You have to do it running ♪

♪ But you do everything
that they ask you to ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't mind... ♪

Oh, my God!

Thank you so much! Hello!

Hi! Hello, hello, hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello, hello!

Chicago!

(applause)

Thank you so much.

Have a seat.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my Lord.

The National playing,
and that happened?

(cheering)

That was the best moment
of my life.

We don't even
have to do the show.

This is just a bonus now.

That felt so good.
We should take turns.

Each of you should
come up one at a time

just to feel that.

Diseases that are forming
will go away.

That was a magical experience.

Sincerely, thank you, Chicago.

This is amazing.

(cheers)
Feeling good!

Good to be here.

This theater is way too nice
for the jokes I'm about to tell.

Look at this ornate,
gold-colored--

Huh, diarrhea,
you ever get it?
(laughs)

(laughter)

Oh, good, you're good.

I really want this to go well.

This is all
I have to do today.

So, we can't have
this go badly.

I can't go back
to my sad hotel,

head hitting the pillow
like, "What was that?"

"That was my special?"

No, you're good.
You're good.

Sometimes I get scared.

(laughter)

(laughter)

Is that a relatable premise?

(laughter)

Sometimes I'm frightened.

Like recently,
I was at a bar

and I ordered
over somebody.

I didn't mean to,
but there was a smaller man

in front of me.

You know, like five-one.

And I ordered over him,
like a rainbow order.

I didn't mean to.

I promise, I wasn't trying
to be a badass.

I was like,
"White wine, please!"

(laughter)

"Whatever's fresh!

"Pinot? Pinot?

Yeah, gris, not noir!"

And it must have happened
to that guy earlier that night

'cause he went from zero
to furious just like that.

He spun on his tiny heels.

He was just like,
"You motherfucker!

(mutters) Been standing
here for days!"

And I got afraid.

And when you get afraid,

the human body
has no good ideas.

It's all evolution.
It's all fight or flight.

So, the first thing normally
when you're afraid

is it makes
your shoulders go up.

That's its brilliant idea.

Have you ever noticed
when you're afraid,

you're like... (screams)

That's your brain going,

"Protect the neck!"

"Don't let it get the neck!

We keep everything
in the neck."

So your shoulders go up,

and then oftentimes
you'll cross your arms too

because these are your loins.

Well, no, these aren't--

Loincloth is down...

These aren't your loins.
This is your stomach.

These are your--

Just learning together
in a safe space.

This is your stomach.

But you have to protect
your stomach too

'cause if a lion... (whooshes)
swipes you on your stomach,

that's a kill stroke.

You'll watch
your intestine just unravel
like eight-millimeter film.

Just like (rolls tongue)...
Like, "Ah, I'm about to pass."

So, you have to cross your arms
and the shoulders go up.

This is a scared pose,
you know?

Like, stand-up is scary.

That's why you see
a lot of stand-ups up here

being like, "So Triscuits are
comin' out in new flavors."

'Cause...

(laughter)

"Sour cream and onion.
How 'bout just sour cream, huh?

What the fuck else
is goin' on?"

That's 'cause we think
you're gonna lunge at us,

somewhere in our lizard minds.

But whenever I get afraid
of a human being,

I always remember
one simple thing,

that you can use as well,

which is that everybody sleeps.

(laughter)

You're welcome.

If you are afraid of a person,
just remind yourself they sleep.

They sleep.

This guy's yelling at me,
I got afraid,

I just remembered
in five hours,

this same scary man
was gonna be like...

(gibbering)

(laughter)

"Mm!"

Flipping the pillow
to the cool side.

"Oh, I need it."

(laughter)

That's not scary.

That is the opposite of scary.

What is sleep though?

Seriously, what is it?

I know we all do it,
but I think it's just

another assumption
that we all take for granted.

We're just like, "All right,"
with your roommate.
"Hey, it's midnight.

"Gonna go in my room.
I'm just gonna...

"gonna lay down.

"Gonna close my eyes

"and I'm gonna remain.

(laughter)

So, if you need me,
I'll be in there remaining."

But what is it?

Explain sleep to an alien
that doesn't sleep.

I couldn't do it.

I could explain food.

I could be like,
"I need energy,
so I ate an apple

so I can use the energy
that's in the apple."

He'd be like, "Okay."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah."

"At night..."

"regardless of how much
energy I've consumed..."

(laughter)

"...I just have to shut it down.

I shut it down
for like eight, nine,
sometimes 12 hours."

"Sounds boring."
I'm like, "No.

My brain plays movies
that I'm in."

(laughter)

(cheers, applause)

(sing-songy)
"Sometimes they're scary."

What is a nightmare?

I just have a bunch
of questions for you guys.

What is a nightmare?

Let's figure this out.

What is a nightmare?

A nightmare is
you scaring you.

It's hot you-on-you action.

What the fuck?

I had a dream
the other night, a nightmare.

I was walking down a hallway.
I made the hallway.

I saw a box.
I made the box.

I thought,
"Hey, what's in that box?"

Didn't know,
opened it,

it was overflowing
with cobras...

(laughter)

...and they attacked me.

I made the box.

I made the cobras.

I asked. I said,
"What's in the box?"

Brad Pitt style.
"What's in the box?"

But your brain is
a fucking asshole

and it was like,
"No, no, no, don't tell him."

"I want to see
what he does."

"He"?

What "he"? Us!

You want to see
what "us" does?

Because your brain
is an asshole!

Yeah, I said it.

Your brain is an asshole.

It doesn't love you
all the time.

Think about it.

Your brain could make
you happy all of the time

for no reason whatsoever,
any moment it wants to.

It has all the ingredients.

Dopamine, adrenaline,
endorphins.

It's all up there.

Your brain is just
a withholding piece of shit.

(laughter)

It has the good stuff
sequestered in the corner.

Like, "You wanna feel good?"

"Yeah? You wanna
feel real nice?

Go for a jog."

Fuck you!

(applause)

(cheering)
(whistling)

Give me the goods 'cause
I'm the commander in chief!

That's an order!

But it won't,
'cause your brain's a dick.

But I'm a silly, silly
fun boy, right?

(chortles)

And one of the reasons is,
I've recalibrated my brain

to reward me
for the things I am doing,

not the things
I could be doing.

And that's what
I think you should do.

That's one of the keys
to having this.

Love yourself
for what you are doing,

not what you could be doing.

(applause)
Too many people-- Yeah!

Yeah!

Too many people
are going around

waiting for something
phenomenal like,

"I'll love me
when I discover

"a new body of water.

That's when Steve
will love Steve."

Like, "We found them, Steve.
We found all of them."

"So what's that?"
"That's Lake Michigan."

"The search continues."

Love yourself
for what you are doing.

That's what I do.
Like the other night,

I was sleeping
and I discovered
a new sleeping position.

I wasn't planning on this.

I was just improvising,

and I discovered a new one.

On-the-stomach four?

(laughter, cheers)

Whoo!

Whoo!

That will put you deep,
on-the-stomach four!

And I knew
I had done something

by my own standards,
so I woke myself up

from a deep sleep
to lift my head off the pillow

and go, "Mm, you're killin' it,"
and went back to bed.

Endorphins, endorphins,
endorphins, endorphins.

I don't mess with
my joy quota, man.

Neither do you.
That's why you're here--

to cash happy checks,
to live your life.

Good for you.

I keep an eye...

You gotta keep an eye
on your joy quota.

One month, it was low.

And I don't go to a lot
of music concerts... (sniffs)

(laughter)

Yeah, further evidence
by the fact that

I refer to them
as "music concerts,"

like a narc
in the parking lot.

"Guys wanna smoke some
chronic and get faded? Yeah!"

Leaning on my van
that says "DEA."

"Wanna do some
underage drinkin'?"

(laughs)

But I don't go
to a lot of concerts,
but my joy quota was low.

And you're gonna think
that I went as a joke.

I didn't. I bought tickets
to see-- don't judge--

to see Enrique-- Okay.

(laughter)

(applause)
Yeah.

Enrique Iglesias.
That's the right response.

(cheering)

That is the right response.

I bought tickets
to see Enri--

I should say,
"I bought ticket."

No one would go with me.

(laughter)

I offered to drive,
I offered to pay.

I went alone.

I was the only man there alone,

was the only white man
there, alone,

in his 30s, just standing
in a sea of Latina children.

Just Latina girls.

Like, Latina niñas...

and just me,
and they're the ocean

and I'm the lighthouse
just like...

(laughter)

"♪ You can run, you can... ♪"

Just...

Best show I've ever seen.

Four times,
I went like this.

(laughter)

Four times.
It was amazing.

Now, this is what makes
this a story.

I actually go
to so few music co--

I go to so few concerts...

that I swear to God,
I literally forgot

that encores are a thing.

That's a silly tradition
we have,

that the band pretends
the show is over.

The Rolling Stones go
in the wings like,

(British accent)
"Should we go out?
Yeah? Yeah?"

Like, that--

So I forgot.

I forgot that
that was a thing.

So, Enrique sang what
I thought was the last song.

Left the stage,
the lights came up.

I was the only one
standing there like, "What?"

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

"He didn't play 'Hero.'"

(laughter)

"Why wouldn't he play 'Hero'?"

"That's, like, his biggest song."

"¿Niñas, dónde está 'Hero'?"

(laughter)

"Quiero escuchar 'Hero.'
¿También? ¿También?

"Can I upgrade this 'quiero'
to a 'queremos'?

Sí? 'Hero!' 'Hero!'"

All the Latinas
started chanting, "'Hero.'"

Started a little revolución.

It started very, very quickly.

And it wouldn't be a good story
if Enrique just came back out

and sang "Hero."
That's not a story.

And I'm not here
to waste your time.

This is a story.
We were in the cheap seats,

the bad seats.

But I didn't know
about three feet in front of me,

there was a second stage--
a secret stage

about the size
of a cocktail table

that lowered down...

Listen to me now.
(laughter)

...and Enrique
fuckin' Iglesias rose up

like Han Solo
being released from carbonite,

like Christ on the third day,

wearing that Army hat he wears

like he's fighting and winning
a sexy, sexy battle.

He's like,
"I can be your hero."

It was amazing.
Suddenly the bad seats
are the good seats.

A whole tidal wave
of Latinas floods over

and everybody's freaking out
and the music for "Hero"

starts to play,
and he goes,

"(macho voice)
I need a volunteer."

That is not how he sounds.

"I need a volunteer.

Stay thirsty, my friends."

He goes,
"I need a volunteer."

It wasn't me. Some of you
were thinking it was me.

I would have broken
a lot of preteen hearts

if I was like,
"I'll do it, Enrique!"

"(off-key)
♪ Would you dance ♪"

Everyone's crying.

It wasn't me.

He pointed to a young woman
in the front row

and he goes,
"You!

Are you 18?"

(laughter)

He said it into the mic.

It wasn't like
a private question like, "You!"

"Are you 18?

"I can't get sued again.

Enrique can't get sued again."

It was part of the show.
And she goes, "Sí!"

And no fuckin' sí
was she 18.

She was 15
if she was a day.

The light was dancing
off her braces.

But he was like,
"Close enough."

And he brought this woman
onto this tiny stage

and he started grinding
on her, singing "Hero."

Fifteen! Her fuckin'
learner's permit fell out
of her back pocket!

(laughter)

I can feel some of you
being very white and judging,

but if you were there, we were
all like, "♪ Bailamos! ♪"

And she-- she loved it.

She was crying,
she was shaking.

It was like
her quinceañera,

and her prom,

and losing her virginity
all in one three-minute ballad.

So, you can judge
if you want, but it was great.

It was statutory great.

(laughs)

(cheers, applause)

(whooshes)

(laughs)

Now, this is a new year
for me, man.

I have some-- I have
some life goals this year.

One, I would like
to get to a point

in my own personal confidence
where I can tell a cab driver

not to text
while he's driving me.

Sounds like a joke.

No joke. I can't do it.

I just want him to like me.

I'm just like,
"Multitasking, cool!

You calling an Uber
to race? Neat!"

You gotta do something way worse
for me to speak up.

This actually happened.

I was in a cab,
just a regular cab
in New York City,

on the highway, we're going
about 60 miles-an-hour,

driver starts driving
with his knees...

so, I perk up.

Something is about to happen.

And then he leans over
to the passenger seat,

opens a case
of some sort,

takes out a flute...

Are you listening?

(laughter)

Takes out a flute,

and not to just admire
the flute like,

"Ah, that's my fuckin' flute."

He took out a flute,

a two-handed wind instrument,

and started playing
the fucking flute.

Just like, "♪ Do-do-do-do-do ♪"

And I get it, it's hard
to find practice time.

I understand.

But maybe wait
till you hit a red light

before you
bang out those scales

and keep
the fingies loose, okay?

So, this happened
on Earth, in a car,

filled with oxygen,
we were both alive,

and I had to lean forward,
and I said...

"Sir...

"I can't believe
I have to say this...

"but could you please
not play the flute?

Just while we're driving."

And this is the part
that makes this a story,

is he acted
like I was crazy.

He's like, "What?
What's your problem?"

"What's your problem?
(imitates flute)

What's your problem?"

I was like,
"Fuckin' admit it!

I caught you!
I caught you flute-handed!"

Even if you're alone,

if you're playing
the flute driving, you're like,

"This is pretty fucked up,"

just say you're sorry!

The giveaway
was the flute music.

I'm sitting in the back like,

"That sounds live."

(laughter)

Another goal
for this year,

this is the year
that I would like
to understand the trumpet.

(scattered laughter)

I don't want to play it.

I just want to get it.

Listen to me now.

Three buttons?

Excuse me.

Three buttons...

and it plays all the notes?

Fuck's goin' on?

I want answers.

Sometimes they're pushing two,

sometimes they're pushing none.

That doesn't add up
to 12. I checked.

I like a more straightforward
brass instrument.

Like saxophone,
he's got no secrets.

Button to note, baby.

Sax looks you right in the eye
when he shakes your hand.

(laughter)

Oh, my God.

Chicago, that joke never works.

(laughter)

(cheers)

That joke never works!

I wish you could come
on the road with me

just to see me
in other towns.

Like, "Three buttons?"
And they're like,

"Talk about your dick!"

It should be an easy laugh.

I'm an easy laugh.

I am an easy laugh.

I don't know why people
always make fun of people
that are easy laughs.

They're like,
"Look at that fuckin' idiot.

"Walkin' around, chucklin'
and feeling joy and silliness

through all of his days.
What a fuckin' moron."

Worse than that,

people are proud
of being hard-laughs.

Hard-laughs.

They go around like,
"Yeah, I laughed at that movie,

"and I'm a hard-laugh.

It's hard to make me laugh."

I'm like,
"Yeah. Work on that."

(laughter)

What are you, Nosferatu?

(laughter)

Let some sunlight
onto your goddamn soul.

Like, "No, I got barbed wire
around my heart."

"Nothing gets in or out.

You gotta trick me
to make my joy noise."

I'm a comedian.
I-- I hope that's apparent.

I'm a comedian.
(laughter)

We're supposed to be jaded,
cynical, angry people.

I am an easy laugh.
I-- I work at it.

I stretch this shit out
every day.

I'll give you an example.

All week, I've been
laughing to myself

just remembering
that Lenny Kravitz...

(laughter)

His name is "Leonard Kravitz."

(laughter)

That's it.

No twists or turns
on that one.

Lenny Kravitz,
the coolest man in the world,

when he picks up a package,
he goes, "Hi. Kravitz, Leonard."

That is a dork name.

That's a dork name.

Don't let the red pants
and the sweet solos fool ya.

That's a nerd name.

It has the word "nerd" in it.

Leo-nerd!

The coolest man.

(laughs)

I think joy
is hiding everywhere.

You just have to look for it.

Like, I've told
this story before,

but whenever I fly,
I fly in a T-shirt

that I don't care about
'cause I don't know why,

but when I fly,
I always get very sweaty.

I get picked up,
I got pit stains,

I'm glistening.

My friends are like,
"Have you been jogging?"

I'm like, "No..."

"just sitting still
in the sky."

"Do you have any Gatorade?"

So, I always fly
in a T-shirt I don't care about.

Now, I've been given the shirt
twice as a gift.

It's a shirt that says
"Dr. Seuss 'Green Eggs
and Ham.'"

Just looks like
the cover of the book.

Twice. From two
different people,

on two different occasions.

The first time
I opened it up,

I was like,
"Oh, cool!"

But in my mind,
I was like, "Fuck this shit."

I get it. I'm like
a childish man, but no.

"Just no."

Second time, a week later,
another person

who didn't know
of the first person
gave it to me.

I unwrapped it,
it was like God himself

being like,
"Put on the fucking shirt."

"This is how
the world sees you.

"I gave you
that goof-goof face.

Wear the uniform."

So, I wear it.

But I only wear it
when I fly.

Now here's the story.

It's like 7:00 a.m. at LAX,
Los Angeles Airport,

I'm going through security,
I'm a little grumpy.

People are typically grumpy
when they're going through
security at 7:00 a.m.,

going through that machine
that's killing us all.

Taking naked,
Avatar planet pictures

of our dicks
and our pusses.

So I'm grumpy.

And this is what put me
in an unexpected good mood

for about two years now.

There was a TSA agent
in my periphery.

I couldn't fully see her.

Who was this ambassador of joy?

Who was this angel
that saw me?

'Cause she put me in a good mood
just by going like this.

This is what I heard her say.
She went...

"What you know
about 'Green Eggs and Ham'?"

How can you be sad
when that exists?

That happened!

Not in a comedy club.

There was no drink minimum.

There was no cover.

Just a woman killing it
in the wild.

Just, "What you know
about 'Green Eggs and Ham'?"

And I forgot
I was wearing the shirt.

I thought it was
a security question.

I'm like,
"Who are green eggs?
What is ham?

I don't know.
Al-Qaeda!"

That always makes me happy.

I want that
in my wedding vows.

I want to be like,
"To have and to hold

and what you know
about 'Green Eggs and Ham'?"

And if she doesn't laugh,
she's not the one.

I'm gonna do a 360
and walk out.

That's right, through her.

Don't math-check my jokes.

Don't math-check my jokes.

I will T-1000
all the way through her.

The suit was
liquid metal as well.

That is joy.

You have this
for the rest of your life.

Keep it in a pill
behind your molars
if you ever need it.

Like if it's the holiday season,

and if you're looking
for parking at a Target

for like 45 minutes
'cause you volunteered

to get ice 'cause you needed
a break from your family...

and you're looking
and you're looping
and you're looping,

and finally, you see
someone leaving a spot,

you stop, you signal,
you do everything correct,

that spot is yours,

but then, at the last second,
someone else swoops in

and then steals that spot,

you have a choice to make.

You can get mad.
Just be like,

"Agh! Cock butter bitch!"

I don't know
how to be mad.

(laughs)

"Cock butter!"

Cock butter.

If you're not laughing,
you're not picturing

a fully grown naked man,
but instead of an erection,

he has a yellow stick of butter.

"I'm comin' for ya."

And he's trying
to get it in there,

but it's warm,
so it keeps melting.

That is a new way to say
that you've lost your erection.

Just like, "Sorry, baby.
It is Land O'Lakes down there."

"I can't believe
it's not an erection. I just..."

(laughs)

So, you can get mad.

And if you want to get mad,
go ahead, get mad.

I'm not saying
don't get mad.

I am saying though
that happy people

don't steal parking spots.

Miserable people
steal parking spots.

So, that person
is already miserable.

So, maybe you're just
affecting your own reality.

So, why not confuse?

They steal the spot.

Calmly roll down your window,

1973-style gesture for them
to roll down their window...

and when you lock
on eye contact,

and I really mean looking
deep into their soul,

like a college freshman
playing "Hey There Delilah"

on the acoustic, just...

(laughter)

...when you locked
on that secure connection,

just be like,
"What you know
about 'Green Eggs and Ham'?"

And do joy donuts
for about 45 minutes.

Just like, "Would you,
could you, on a boat?"

I guarantee you,
when you're done laughing,

more parking will open up.

That's a promise.

I think those little joy moments
are hiding everywhere.

Like recently,
I was in line at Starbucks--

I don't drink coffee.
I run on anxiety.

But I'm a grown man
and I wanted a cookie.

And there were three
businessmen in front of me.

This was about 9:00
in the morning.

And we're waiting.
It's at an airport.
I travel a lot.

And the woman
behind the counter

was trying to say,
"Can I help who's next?"

Pretty standard.

If you're gonna work
in the service industry,

you're gonna throw out
a few "Can I help who's nexts."

But I don't know
if it was because it was early

or if she just
didn't give a shit,

but she was
barely trying to speak.

So, she was just going,
"Da-shnecks!"

I'm not exaggerating
that in the least.

"Da-shnecks!"

"Da-shnecks" with confidence
and authority.

She was like,
"Hello! Da-shnecks!"

"Can I help who's next?"

"Da-shnecks!"

"Can I..."
"Da!"

"help who's..."
"Shne!"

"...next."
"Shnex!"

"Da-shnecks!"

We're all standing there like,
"What the fuck do you want
us to do?

Do we go?"
"Da-shnecks!"

"Do we not go?"
"Da-shnecks!"

"Double snakes"?

Are you proclaiming
"double snakes"?

It sounded so much
like "double snakes,"

no one would have
batted an eye if she was like,

"Da-shnecks!" and then
reached down like...

"There we two snakes down there.

"I did not know
how to alert you

"to the presence
of two serpents.

"Whew, I was flustered.
Forgive me.

"I beg your pardon.

"Oh. Now, might I help
who amongst you that is next?

Who amongst you is next?"

You have this now too.

If you're ever in a tight spot,
someone's breaking up with you

like, "Goddammit, Diane,
it's fucking over..."

(laughter)

You're Diane in this one.

"Goddammit, Diane!
It's fucking over."

You have a choice.
You can be like,

"(sobbing)
Oh, Tony!

Tony!"

That's not gonna
get Tony back, Diane.

Why not just be silly?

Just be like,
"Double snakes!"

And then glide off
on one roller blade.

One roller blade
and one baggy, baggy sock

that's clearly not yours.

Double birds on the way out.
Just, "Double snakes!"

Leave with some dignity.

(laughs)

Yeah.

(cheers)

Double snakes!

Double... snakes!

Silly stuff, man.

Just keep your eyes open.

Like recently, I was
at a pool, not to brag...

but I was at a pool.

I was recreating.

(chuckles)

I was not employed
by the pool.

I was th-- (chuckles)

I was there
enjoying the pool,

and there was a boy there.

Like an eight-
or nine-year-old boy.

Not my-- not my boy,
just like a loose--

like a loose boy...

running around
with his wet feet,

doing dives and shit.

The reason
I bring this boy up

was that he had
the deepest voice

I've ever heard.

Man and child alike,

the deepest voice I've ever--

And it was behind me,
so all day,

I was just hearing like,
(deep voice)
"Mommy...

"Mama."

"Ma."

"What is wind?"

"What is wind?"

"Air moves?

"Air moves sometimes?

"When I dream,
where do I go?"

"I dreamt I was in London."

"Was I really there-uh?"

"Was I-- was I here-uh
or was I really there-uh?

Mama!"

Why did every one
of us in this room

say "here" "here-uh"
until you were like nine?

Your whole life,
you're like, "Here-uh."

And then on your ninth birthday,
you're like, "Here. Shit!"

"I've been saying that wrong?"

There are things
I still have a hard time saying.

Like, have you ever had to tell
someone you edited something?

What's going on there?

Like,
"Hey, you edit that video?"

"Yeah, I edited it. (screams)

(screams) I edi-ded dat."

That's too many
"di-ded-dats."

We fucked up
as a language.

Too many "di-ded-dats."
I sounds like

a handful of marbles cascading
down a hardwood staircase.

I edi-ded dat.

I edi-ded-ded-ded-ded-ded dat.

That's not okay.

'Cause words aren't just
for silly times,

they're for serious times.

That means somebody's had
to say that phrase in distress.

Like, "Goddammit, Diane!"

It's Diane again.

"You didn't edit that video.
It's fuckin' over!"

"(sobs) I did!"

"I edited that!"

"I edi-ded-ded-ded dat!"

I mostly do faces and sounds.

That's kind of what it's--
It's what I do.

(laughs)
Yeah.

Comedy doesn't have to be hard.

(laughs)

Other things
that don't make sense
in our language, "Unicorn"?

(audience member laughs)

I love you so much,
whoever that was.

Some people are like,
"Hear him out."

One of you is like,
"Fuck it. We die.
I'm laughing now.

"I'm not seeing
where this is going.

I'm feeling good now."

"Unicorn"?

Excuse me.

"Unicorn"?

How about "uni-horn"?

It has one horn.

It has no corn.

(laughs)

What is that,
part of the mythology?

There's a single kernel
of corn hidden in its mane?

That's a long way to go
to not just call it a uni-horn.

I like doing jokes like that.

I call them
my incredulous jokes.

It's where you say
something basic a couple times

and then you explain
your problem with it.

Here's another one.

"Han Solo"?

Excuse me.

"Han Solo"?

That dude was always
with Chewbacca.

(laughter)

More like "Han Duo."

(laughs)

You're right to groan.

You are right to groan.

That is a terrible joke.

But it's the only joke
of tonight you'll remember.

(laughs)

Like, you're gonna be 90
in a rocking chair like,

(laughs)
"Always with Chewbacca."

Language can be tricky, man.

You know who I think
has it figured out

are the British.

It's their language.
They should be better with it.

But they figured something out

that I learned
from some of my British friends,

which is if someone
says something to you

that you do not know
how to respond

because it's so awkward,
all you have to do,

this is what they do,
is repeat back to them

what they said
as a question.

Works every time.
I swear to God,
I do this in my own life.

We don't do that in America.

If someone comes up
to you at a party

wearing a weird,
sublime shirt...

and you're over by the chips
and they're just like,

"Hey, man. I don't know
if Grandma's gonna make it

through the hot, hot summer."

That's awkward, right?

You don't know
what to say.

But in America,
we just take a shift.

We just hold
the turd for a second
like that's gonna help.

Like, "Aw, man."

"Aw."

"Death. Whew.

Sorry for your upcoming loss."

That's not helping.

British people figured it out.

You don't want
that ball in your court.

Just hit it back.

Just hit it right back.
Someone says,

"I don't know
if Grandma's gonna make it
through the hot, hot summer."

Just be like, "She's
on the way out, is she?"
(pops)

(laughter)

"You know, I'm actually
feeling really depressed."

"Feeling a bit blue, are you?"
(pops)

"You know, I'm actually
having suicidal thoughts."

"Can't quite take it, can you?"
(pops)

"Maybe I'll jump
off a building."

"Scary though, innit?"

"I could shoot myself."

"Faster, yeah?"

"I'm gonna do it tonight."

"Cheers."

(laughter, cheers)

It works,
Britishing it.

I don't know why
that one gets so dark.

Why did I get so dark?

There's so many of you
that are like,

"I like the point,
but why the example?"

Here's a silly one
to lighten it up.

This is something I--
I do in my own mind

whenever I need a laugh
if I'm on a plane that's delayed

or if I'm stuck in traffic.

I promise,
it'll work for you.

I just saw the movie,
uh, Straight Outta Compton.
(cheering)

Great movie.

And ever since then,
I can't stop laughing,

thinking that if a rapper
is in a recording studio,

if he's in the little
wood-paneled booth

with the earphones
and the mic,

he's the only one
that can hear the music.

That's funny.

That means at a point
in the '90s,

you could've been
in a recording booth
with Snoop Dogg

and what you would have seen
was just him like...

(laughter)

(laughter)

"♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪"

(laughs)

That happened!

That's not silly,
silly make-'em-ups.

That's real.

"♪ A what, what,
what, what what ♪"

(laughs)

Any time you hear
a video game too,

a voice in a video game,

that was a person.

That was a human person
who had a job!

They were real!

They had parents!

They had a favorite cereal!

They did
or didn't believe
in ghosts!

And one day,
they were in a booth

just like,
"We rollin'?"

"Tim?"

"Let's do this.
(sniffles)"

(clears throat)

(vocalizes)
"Okay."

"Sonic Boom!"

(laughter)

"Hadouken!"

Japan."
(laughs)

Acting is weird, man.

I just did some acting
for the first time in my life.

I-- I'm not kidding,

I thought the director told
the actor what to do.

That's not the job at all.

I thought it was just like,
"Hey, can I have some pizza?"
and that was the day.

Like, "I just did
some acting. I pretended--"

It's so much more than that.
You have to make all these
choices. I didn't know.

Now I watch movies
completely differently.

Like, take a movie like
Silence of the Lambs, right?

Like, Sir Anthony Hopkins who
was in that movie, and he goes,

"I ate her liver with f--
some fava beans

and a nice Chianti,"
and then he went,

"F-f-f-f-f."

No one told him to do that.

(laughter)

Like, it wasn't in the script,
like 30 'F's.

It was just him
taking a chance.

That means there were
probably other takes like,

"I ate her liver
with some fava beans

and a nice Chianti.
Yummy, yummy, yummy!"

"No. No. No. No.

"No, no, no, no, no. No.

Keep rolling."

"I ate her liver
with some fava beans
and a nice Chianti.

"♪ Get on down ♪

♪ Get, get, get on down ♪"

"It's not-- it's not
the character."

(laughs)

That was ridiculous.

Speaking of, uh, ridiculou--
vaginas-- Oh, boy.

(chortles)

(laughter, cheers)

Vaginas, right?

Now, don't get me wrong,
I love 'em, but what-- what?

(chortles)

Vaginas, colon,
what's going on?

(laughs)

They're great, but they--
there's a little--

there's some weird stuff
that I'm so tired

of not talking about, like...

they magically
moisten themselves?

That's a thing?

You just, like,
see Mario Lopez

shoveling snow
with his shirt off

and your brain sends
a signal to your vagina

to activate
the one sprinkler down there?

Just like... (whoosing)

And it's a good thing, too.

You're like,
"Mm, oh, good."

"Ready for Mario."

If I were a woman,
every time I got wet,

I would go,
"High tide."

"What do you do?"
"I'm in a band."

"Ooh, high tide."

"What do you play?"

"The triangle."
"Low tide."

(sucking)

Just sand and seashells
down there, my friend.

Dicks are no picnic
either, okay?

I've seen my own dick.

(chortles)

I've seen my own dick erect.

Like walking to the bathroom,
and I see it in the mirror,

you know, after sex--
Why did I tell you that?

(stammers)

It's like a bouncy house.

It takes a while to deflate.

You know what I mean?
So, you're like...

There it is.
Just womp, womp, womp.

Just so weird
to have this flesh-spear

jutting out
from your body that's you,

but it's also not you.

Like it has its own
suggestions like,

"Let's go to the beach and leer!

Wink, wink!
I can only wink!"

You know, just...

But I am a man.
Uh-- (laughs)

I'm a man.

I am a man.
A human man.

But I'm also
a three-dimensional person.

Sometimes I don't like
the way that men are
thought of sometimes.

Like for example,
I saw this article

going around on Facebook
written by a woman

called "Why You Should Fuck
Your Husband Every Day."

And it's like a list,
otherwise we won't read it.

It's a list.

You know, it's like,
"One, he'll be so much
more relaxed.

Two, he loves to cuddle,"
or whatever the fuck.

I'm just reading it
and I'm like, "Excuse me."

"I'm a part
of that equation too.

"You're gonna fuck me?
'Scuse me.

You're gonna
fuck me every day?"

I'm so tired of men
being painted

as these thoughtless grunts
that are just like,

"Sex is available?"
(grunts, screams)

I'm a delicate creature.

I need to be wooed.

You want to fuck me?

Boyz II Men me.

Draw a bath.

Ask what kind
of day I had--

What kind of day
did I have?

The article's so simple.
"He'll thank you."

I will shoo you.

Coming into my study
in a nightie.

I will bap you
in the face with a broom
that's lightly on fire.

Get the fuck out
of my study.

I just heard a song
that made me think of my father.

I'm not in the mood.

Sex makes sense
about 45 minutes a day.

Try to catch me
in that window.

Gonna suck my dick.
I'm an artist.

You can't predict
my temperament.

I'm trying to write
a joke right now.

I might as well be
on the goddamn moon.

Fuck 'em every day.

And what does that say
about women?

I don't like
what that says
about women.

Can we just--
The cat is out of the bag.

Women like sex too.
(cheering)

We don't need
articles like this.

And if we do,
I can't imagine

a woman--
Nothing makes me sadder

than imagining a woman
who hates sex

reading that article at home
with her mouth just like...

"I'm gonna do it. Mm-huh."

"Come on, Diane.
We can't lose another one."

"Gotta tackle that snake."

Is there anything sadder
than a woman being like,

"I read it on Facebook"?

What is this,
the sex trade?

Find a hobby
you both enjoy.

Fuck me every day.
Fuck you every day.

(laughs)

Not all men are sex-crazed,

not all men like strip clubs.
That's another one.

I just went
to my first strip club.

I fuckin' hated it.

The whole thing's degrading.

You just have to line up
in front of, like,

the fuckin' Beaver Hut
or something.

You line up
to pay a door guy

that's dressed like Blade.

You're admitting defeat.
You're just like,

"I couldn't get
my titties free-range.

Well, ya got 'em locked up
inside, Daywalker?"

It's humiliating.

And I don't even know--
How are you supposed to react?

I like comedy
because I know how to react.

You laugh, you clap,
you hoot, you holler.

What are you supposed
to do in a strip club?
I don't know.

It's like looking at fireworks.

It's the same thing.

I never know
what I'm supposed to do
at fireworks.

They're always happening.
Everybody's-- Kids are prancing

with sparklers,
someone's getting engaged.

I'm always standing
on a riverbank just like...

"Wow."

"I wish I felt anything."

(applause)

"I like that it sounds
like war. Is that it?"

Same thing with a stripper.
They put me in the front row

because they knew
I was uncomfortable.

Everybody wanted to see
what Old Petey would do.

They hired a dancer
to come out,

she came on stage
already naked.

No narrative.

No narr-- No story,
no build.

She was already naked.

First move, she spun around,
bent over in my face.

That was her opening.

(gasps)
Whoa.

(chuckles)

Those were her openings.

And what do you do?
All eyes were on me.

And one brown eye.
Come on.

There were a lot of--
(laughter)

All eyes were on me.
Everybody wanted to see
what I would do.

I didn't know what to do,
but everybody's looking,
and I just went,

"Fantastic!"

I just said, "Fantastic,"

into a stranger's asshole.

That's the first thing
I ever said to her,

and I said it
up her asshole.

It's up there now.

She's gonna get
a colonoscopy in 30 years,

they're gonna put
the tube in like, "Fantastic."

It's gonna shoot out.

"Did you say--"

Did you say,
"Fantastic," Mercedes?

Not all men like strip clubs.

I have glitter
on my face, guys are like,
"I know where you were."

"Yeah? I was making crafts."

Not all men like, uh, porn.

That's true.
I'm off porn.

I had a good run.
And no judgment.

If you love porn,
please, no judgment,
go with God.

Literally. Get God involved.

Just like,
"What would you have me do?"

"Look what you have created!"

I get it.
I understand porn.

Sometimes you're tense,
it can be a nice stress-relief.

You have a job interview,
you bang out a nice

morning sesh,
then you're calm.

You moonwalk into the office,
flick a lit cigarette

at the guy
and get the job like,

"That was a leader!
Who was that man?"

I get it. But even
if you love porn,

I think we can all agree
you're not at your best.

Doesn't go on
the highlight reel of your life,

the afternoon
you drew the blinds,

got on your bed naked
but for your socks

with an iPad just like,

"What if I was
at an orgy? Huh-hah!"

(moans)

"I have some thoughts
for the redhead."

That's-- (chuckles)

You're never gonna
tell your grandchildren
about that day.

You know what I mean?
"Let me tell you

about the legend
of the Bang Bros."

It's not gonna happen.

So I'm off porn
for many reasons.

One, you can't pick
what you like.

That's just real.

That's just deep
in your subconscious.

And what if there's something
really fucked up out there

that you would love
that you just haven't seen yet?

That could really
change your life.

Like, you ever click on a link,

something weird, "Japan"?

Something weird.
Let's say "Japan."

You ever click
on something weird

and take in a moment
to be grateful that
you're not aroused?

I have.

That could have gone
the other way.

What if you click on a link
and it's like a news studio

and there's a Japanese woman
fully dressed,

reading the news
in Japanese,

then a door
in the back opens

and like, naked, skinny guys
start filing out

and they're jerking off
and they're holding
long-haired cats,

then they--
they cum on the cat,

then they bowl it at her,
she's duckin' the cum cats

and you're at home
like, "Nooooo"?

Just the biggest, hardest,

involuntary erection
of your life.

Cumming without
you touching it. "Aah!

This is me now!"

You just fucked up
your life, Curious George.

Should've left
well enough alone.

Off porn.

Don't like strip clubs.

Don't always want sex.

I am straight.

I am a straight man.

But I think sexuality
is a spectrum.

I think when we--
if we watch this special

in another 20 years,
I think "gay," "straight,"

those are gonna be
outdated terms for sure.

Maybe even sooner.
'Cause it is a spectrum.

Just like Kinsey said,
everybody's somewhere

on a spectrum of male,
for lack of a better term,

energy and female energy.

So, I like to say I'm straight,
but I like to say

that I am 68 days straight.

What does that mean?

That does not mean
that I have been straight

for just over two months,
giving it a go.

That means that
I'm straight, but...

(chuckles)

...if I was in some sort
of unforeseen circumstance...

I don't know.

Like, let's say
I'm in a plane

and it goes down
and everybody dies.

Everybody's dead except me,
and just out of thin air,

let's say Ryan Gosling--
let's just say...
(applause)

...let's just say it's me
and Ryan Gosling.

The plane crashes
in the ocean

and we have to swim
to an island.

He's glistening.
His pec muscles...

He's doing different strokes,
it's, like, easy for him.

"This is fun!"

When we get to that island,

eventually...
(laughter)

Don't back away.
You're g-- You're gonna.

You're gonna.
I'm gonna fuck that man.

I'm gonna,
well, you know.

We'll see.
You know. (laughs)

But I'm gonna wait.

I'm gonna wait 68 days.

That's how straight I am.

I feel like that's enough time
to build a rapport.

You know, he makes
a football out of a vine,

he's like,
"You are good
at sports, Peter."

Tussles my hair.

Rescue definitely isn't coming.

I'm in the clear there.

So on the 67th night,
we spoon together for warmth,

little spoon...

morning of the 68th,
nature takes its course.

68 days straight.

Now...

I have told that joke before.

I told that joke
one time in Texas.

(laughter, groaning)

Correct.

(laughter)

Only once, and that was
in Alpine, Texas.

Deep, thick,
No Country for Old Men...

(imitates bolt gun)...
Texas.

(laughter)

And I'm doing the joke,
and I'm on stage,

and right where you are,
sir, there's a cowboy.

How you doin'?
You're the cowboy.

And he's looking at me.
Just picture a cowboy.

Perfect.

Like a man who went
to a costume shop

and said,
"Give me the cowboy

for life."

So there's a cowboy in the front
and I'm doing the joke

and the whole time,
I'm the only one
that can see him.

He's just going like this.

(laughter)

But I'm the only one
that can see,

so I'm ignoring it.
I'm doing the joke.

I'm up there like,
"You're gonna fuck him.

You're gonna fuck him
or maybe he'll fuck me,"

and he's like...

(laughter)

But I ignore it.
I finish the bit,

standing ovation,
pretty good bit...

(laughter)

...applause dies down,
and the cowboy goes, "Hey!"

I get scared.

(laughter)

But I don't know
what to do.

Everybody heard
this man say, "Hey!"

Now it's a public issue
and I don't know what to do,

so I just go, "Yes?"
even though I know

he's going to say
something hateful and terrible

and ruin the bit
for the rest of my life,

but I didn't have a choice.

So, I go,
"What? What is it?"

and he goes,
"28 days."

(laughter, applause)

He didn't have
a problem with the bit.

He had a problem
with how long I was
making Daddy Gos' wait.

(laughs)

Chicago, thank you so much!
(applause)

Wasn't this fun?

I'm so glad you were here!
Thank you!

♪ ♪

Oh, my God!

You're amazing!
Thank you!

Keep it crispy,
everybody! Thank you!

♪ ♪

♪ You have to do it running ♪

♪ But you do everything
that they ask you to ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't mind
seeing yourself in a picture ♪

♪ As long as you look far away ♪

♪ As long as you look removed ♪

♪ Showered and blue-blazered ♪

♪ Fill yourself with quarters ♪

♪ Showered and blue-blazered ♪

♪ Fill yourself with quarters ♪

♪ You get mistaken
for strangers ♪

♪ By your own friends ♪

♪ When you pass them at night ♪

♪ Under the silvery,
silvery Citibank lights ♪

♪ Arm in arm in arm
and eyes and eyes ♪

♪ Glazing under ♪

♪ Oh, you wouldn't want
an angel watching over ♪

♪ Surprise, surprise,
they wouldn't wanna watch ♪

♪ Another un-innocent,
elegant fall ♪

♪ Into the un-magnificent
lives of adults ♪

♪ ♪