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Deep Ellum.

Here's what I've learned.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Uh, first of all, I've asked numerous people,

I go, "Is it safe to walk

"from the hotel to the comedy club?"

And I just have to stop asking white people.

That's my problem, right?

White people almost think it's a test, you know.

They just throw words at you.

They're like, "Oh, you know, gentrification."

I was like, "Okay, what's that mean?"

"Well, just, you know, the economic disparity."

I go, "You're not giving me an answer."

Luckily I have a buddy, Aaron, he's a Black dude.

I go, "Is it safe?" He's like, "No."

I go, "Oh, yeah, yeah."

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I have to remind myself that people are mostly nice,

'cause I was bullied in middle school.

Okay? We're all up here for a reason.

Yeah, 'cause I have, I have pretty big front teeth.

I'm not sure you guys can see 'em. I didn't know I had big front teeth.

But my second day at middle school,

we're watching this movie and I laughed at the movie,

and this kid next to me looks over, he's like,

[LAUGHS] "You have huge teeth."

I'm like, "Well, won't be smiling for the rest of middle school.

"That's how that's gonna go."

And, listen, I'm mostly fine now, okay?

If I see a beaver, I'm like, "Are you taunting me?"

But other than that, I'm totally,

I'm a totally well-put-together comedian.

And I don't know if anyone here was ever bullied before.

It does carry over in adulthood.

Here's where I'm at now.

I'm very, very wary of compliments.

Like, I just know where it's going to go, right?

Like, I live in D.C. I have these sneakers on.

They're very basic sneakers.

But I was walking down the street one day and this couple walked by me.

And this guy just walks by. He goes, "I like your sneakers."

And of course, in my mind, I was like,

[GRUNTS] "Here we go."

'Cause I thought he'd be like, "Where'd you get 'em from? The Goodwill?"

And just go high-five strangers.

Like, that's what I thought was going to happen.

And he didn't do that at all. He just kept walking.

I was like, "Oh, that was really nice."

And I've worn them for a month straight.

I felt euphoria for a month straight.

Which doesn't seem normal.

But then I did some research on this.

This is absolutely true.

I don't know if you guys know this or not, but when guys get compliments,

it's so rare that it can last a day, week or even months.

That's what they say. So on top of doing comedy tonight,

I'm gonna give out random compliments to guys in the audience.

So, uh, get ready.

Look at you, Texas. You're like, "Please don't do that."

That's right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Like you, sir, I feel very safe with you in the room right now.

Look at you. You're flushing a little, but I mean it. I mean it.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, 'cause I just want people to feel joy.

I think joy is so important.

But you ever had someone take joy away from you?

Ugh! What a nightmare.

I had a Lunchable about a week ago.

I had a Lunchable. It was a turkey and cheese. It was delicious.

They were four for $5 at Safeway or free if you self-checkout, and...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right, my people in this room tonight. All right, good.

I told my friend about it, I go, "I had a turkey and cheese Lunchable today."

And he goes, "What are you, nine years old?"

I was like, "Oh, you mean the last time that we're all truly happy? Yes."

For four minutes, I was nine again, all right?

Let me have it. I'm 40. I need the joy, all right?

'Cause 40 is not fun. I just turned 40.

Don't let the backwards hat fool you.

That's what's going on underneath there, all right?

That's kind of... Yeah, I know. Yeah, so that's why I do that.

And look at that, 36. Yeah!

Yeah, 40 is a weird age to be.

I don't know if anyone here is 40.

It's strange 'cause I'm not old.

I'm not old, but I'm definitely at the age now,

if I drop the shampoo in the shower,

it makes, like, a really loud noise,

my wife just assumes I died.

Anyone else going through that?

It's not fun. It's not fun at all.

It happened one day, dropped the shampoo bottle, made a huge noise.

About a minute later, my wife Kelsey walks in.

She goes, "Everything okay in here?"

Which, can we agree,

that is 58 seconds too late, right?

That is way, way too late.

And the way she said it, I didn't like it.

"Is everything okay in here?"

That sounds a lot like, "Are my dreams coming true?"

She's like, "Why are you wearing sneakers in the shower?"

I'm like, "Leave it alone. I got a compliment three weeks ago,

"and I feel great, all right?"

She's the best. We've been married for almost nine years.

- It's the best. She's really... Yeah. Thank you. - [AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS]

Yeah, she really is. She's great.

You know, I'm not gonna be a comic, "Oh, marriage." It's fine.

The only, I guess, issue we've run into

is you gotta keep things spicy in the bedroom,

Every couple has to go through that.

So we're trying new things.

We started watching porn together recently.

Yeah, her idea. She goes, "We should watch porn together."

I go, "That's fun. What type of porn do you want watch?"

She goes, "You can pick whatever."

I was like, "Eh, that's not the best idea." Uh...

"No, no. I've been watching this for a long time, all right?

"You don't...

"You don't need to see what I'm into at this point."

So that's... Yeah, I'm not knockin' her.

She's just new to porn, all right?

She's searching things like, "passionate."

I'm searching things like, "machines."

All right? We're just at different points in our porn-watching seasons.

All right?

Yeah.

We got some couples here tonight.

Yeah. I don't wanna make things... How long...

- You guys a couple, obviously, right? - Yes.

How long you been together for?

- Ten years. - Ten years? Incredible.

Right around the same point. Have you watched porn together?

- Possibly. - Possibly. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, listen, I was gonna say with a guy like eyes like that, who needs porn, right?

Compliment. Boom. All right, so that's, uh, there you go.

Yeah. Beautiful. We're feeling good about ourselves.

Yeah. Here's a website that Kelsey found.

It's called Bellesa, all right? Their whole idea is, like, porn for women.

So it's very classy, at least I thought.

And then one day, she's taking a shower,

she goes, "Pick whatever scene you wanna pick."

I was like, "That's a lot of pressure, but okay."

So I start with guy-girl, Let's start with guy-girl

and then work up to, like, the crazy things, all right?

So I pick the scene, it's a very attractive couple.

We hop into bed, it's on my phone.

It'd play on my phone, we're into it.

We're frisky, looking back, frisky, looking back.

Also the girl in the scene, just like pulls the guy's pants down

and Kelsey just goes, "Ew! "That's a weird looking dick."

Which, I don't know how to respond to that.

I was like, "Well, there's some extra skin on there, that's for sure."

Right? What the...

What do you say? "That's a real skin-heavy dick."

What? I don't know. "We got a real bungee cord."

I thought we could make... We would be okay.

We were not okay at all.

She goes, "Matt, that's the weirdest dick I have ever seen

"in my life. Turn it off."

And I turn it off.

And guess what? We didn't have sex that night.

We did not have sex.

We started season three of Ted Lasso.

That's what we did, everyone, which...

Yeah, season three, too. Not a good one. Not a good one.

This is my life now. I'm 40.

She still wants to watch porn.

So now what happens is, this is great.

She's like, "Hey, go pick a scene."

I had to go to the bedroom. I had to pick a scene,

but I have to, like, scrub ahead into the scene

to, like, double check the dicks.

You know, like that's... Like, yeah.

Now I'm a dick detective? That's who I am, right?

I'm just scrolling through scene after scene.

I'm like, "Eh, it curves to the right. Should be to the left.

"You know better, man. Come on, now.

"That one's circumcised, I like 'em circumcised. Get it together."

Listen, you're my friends, so I can tell you this.

I find, like, a good-looking dick.

I get hard now. I'm like, "Oh, thank God. All right.

"I'm getting laid. Hell, yeah."

And she doesn't even appreciate my effort.

She jumps into bed. She's like, "Wow, look at the rack on her."

I'm like, "Look at the cut on him.

"Are you kidding me? That's incredible."

I spent ten minutes finding that cut.

All right, off to the races. Beautiful. yeah.

We're very cheap people, Kelsey and I.

Cheap. That's who we are. We love a good deal.

You ever find this, though? Sometimes the risk can outweigh the reward of a good deal.

We live in Washington, D.C. like I said.

We had this French cafe in our neighborhood.

it's called Le Madeleine.

Taking Kelsey to work one day and this ad came on the radio for Le Madeleine.

They go, "Come this week only and say, 'Ooh, la, la!' at the register

"and get a free croissant."

I was like, "Yeah, I'll just pay $3 for that croissant. How about that?"

I don't know who's working today.

That doesn't seem like a good idea.

What if it's some 15-year-old girl?

And I just walk in, and out of nowhere, I go,

"Oh, by the way, ooh, la, la."

And she's like, "What did you just say to me?"

And like, "Oh, no, no, I said, 'ooh, la, la' for a free croissant.

"I heard it on the radio."

And she's like, "What the hell is the radio?"

I'm like, "Oh, no. That's right. Damn it!"

My name's Matt Bergman, by the way.

I felt like I, maybe, didn't introduce myself. Matt Bergman.

Uh, people ask me all the time if I'm Jewish.

Uh, maybe.

I legit have never looked at it before.

I just don't care, I guess.

My family never cared, but, like, it's,

Jewish people claim me all the time, which is fine,

but also like strange.

I have a buddy back home in Buffalo.

He's a Jewish guy. He's like, "Bergman, come on, man, you're definitely Jewish."

I was like, "Well, that's possible."

He's like, "You should do a 23andMe."

I was like, "I'm not gonna pay for that."

He's like, "Eh, there's your answer."

- Oh, that's... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I didn't like that at all. That felt very offensive.

As a maybe Jewish person, I think I'm offended by that.

But then again, I don't know. And then he gets more offensive.

He's like, "What about your dad, man?

"Dad's a cheap guy."

Offensive,

but true.

He is cheap. My dad? Yes... We're Buffalo.

We're, like, lower-middle-class people.

My dad loves a good deal.

I'm sure your parents are the same way.

My parents went to Florida five years ago, as parents do.

And my dad's birthday was a few months ago.

He had a coupon in the mail for this place called Culver's.

- Do you also have them here? - [CROWD ASSENTS]

Yeah, yeah. So his coupon's for one free ice cream sundae.

So he called me one day, so proud of himself, at a Culver's,

headed to the kid behind the counter,

goes, "I have this free ice cream sundae coupon,"

and the kid behind the counter goes, "All right."

He just gave my dad a sundae.

But then, like, didn't take his coupon.

I love that some people were laughing already. Exactly.

My father, for real, goes to Culver's four to five days a week

to get a free ice cream sundae,

which is, like, that's fine.

That doesn't matter. What bothers me,

he calls up so proud of himself, like he's tricking these kids.

Like, I put him on speakerphone one day. He's like, "Matthew,

"another free sundae today."

I'm like, "Yeah, Dad, that kid is what, 16?

"He doesn't give a shit about his job," right?

Isn't that all that's going on there?

You were 16 and you didn't care about your job at 16, did you?

I didn't. I worked at a grocery when I was 16. I was a cashier.

They didn't pay me enough.

If someone came through with, like, a fruit or vegetable

that wasn't on my first page, guess what?

It was a banana. That's what that was, right?

I'm like, "What do you got there? Kumquats? Eh.

"Four-zero-one-one. Boom! Look at that."

All right, that's how the room steals from the self-checkout.

That's what that means right there. Yeah, good for you.

Good for you.

So we don't have any kids yet.

How many people have kids in the room tonight?

We got some, uh, yeah, raising their hands. Look at that energy.

Yeah, that made me want to have kids.

Look at that. Good for you.

No, I don't know if we're gonna have kids or not.

You know I'm 40, my wife's 33.

We'll see. We'll see what happens.

Uh, I'm not sure what type of parents we're gonna be.

Sometimes my wife does very un-motherly things.

And in my head I go, "That might not be good, you know?"

Like, I'll tell you one right now.

She likes to tell me, like, really sad stories late at night

like it just won't affect my sleep cycle.

Some people are laughing a bit too hard over there. You've gone through it before?

Yeah, I'm gonna tell you a story of something recently.

It will not be funny. If it's funny,

see a therapist, you have a very serious problem.

We're in bed one night, it's, like, midnight,

I'm not even looking at her. I'm, like, turned away,

and I'm about to doze off.

And she goes, "Can I tell you a really sad story?"

And I go, "Uh, not tonight. Maybe in the morning."

And then she laughed and told me anyway.

I go, "Oh, that's rhetorical.

"Just tell me the story next time." Right?

Once again. I'm sorry to do this to all of you,

but I had to hear it, now you have to hear it.

She goes, "I read this article today

"that this woman brought her bulldog into PetSmart to get a bath.

"As they're raising the platform, something snapped.

"It fell on top of the bulldog.

"It didn't make it."

And then she goes, "All right, good night."

And just went to bed, everyone.

She was snoring five minutes later like a true psycho.

Yeah, very important story now, by the way,

we own a bulldog, everyone, right?

Her name is Wilma. Even she woke up like,

"What the hell, lady?" Right?

I was like, "I know, I married her for the rest of my life.

"She could be a mother one day.

"Is that a good idea?"

'Cause I don't have some, like, four-year-olds like,

"Mommy, tell me a bedtime story."

And she's like, "You're not going to like it, but all right, let's do it.

"Once upon a time, in a little town called Chernobyl..."

It's like, "Okay, that's good."

Plus, if we follow the science, we're not sure what type of kid we're gonna have.

Very scary, you know? Like, her family

has a history of depression, anxiety.

My family, depression, anxiety.

My grandmother's bipolar. She's manic-depressant.

She was in a psych ward for, like, 20 years of her life.

Yet my mom still has the audacity to go,

"When you guys gonna give me grandkids?"

Like, "I don't think that's gonna be a happy baby, Mom." Right?

Like, for real, I think my kid's first word will probably like, "Ugh!"

Like, that would be fun, right?

People will be like, "Why is their four-year-old smoking?"

I go, "He just heard a weird bedtime story.

"Leave him alone, all right? That's..."

So, yeah, no kids. If I do have kids,

I'm not gonna...

Not gonna spend money on them.

That seems wild.

Like, food and clothing, of course.

I'm not having CPS called on me. But, like...

Like, vacations? That seems insane, right?

Like, 'cause I travel all the time.

I see these miserable parents in airports every single Sunday,

and I have empathy for them, you know?

Like I... My parents could afford one vacation a year,

and I appreciate for them now.

But my biggest memory that sticks out,

I was about ten years old. I went to Disneyland.

A very expensive trip, as we all know.

So, of course, first we do...

We get there at 7:00 in the morning.

We stay 'til ten o'clock at night.

Yeah, 'cause my dad's, "We're milking all the money from Disneyland," right?

So we're leaving Disneyland.

We're stuck in traffic on Disneyland Way,

and my mom hounded dad for probably the tenth time in the trip.

She goes, "Tom, do not forget,

"at the next light, you take a right.

"Next light, you take a right."

What's my father do?

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Right through the lights, right?

Yeah. Do you feel the tension in this room right now?

My mom snapped in a way I've never heard her snap to this day.

She basically screams like, "Tom, what'd I say?

"You had to take that right!"

And to my father's credit, he very calmly pulled over to the side of the road,

put the car in park,

got out,

and just started walking the fuck away, right?

Just started angry Dad walking...

down Disneyland Way, everyone.

Yeah, the happiest place on Earth.

The happiest place on Earth.

Not for the Bergmans that day.

Not for the Bergmans.

My mom got in the car,

drove it, like, a mile an hour, going,

"Come on, Tom, get back in the car.

"Tom, they're looking at us. Get back in the car."

He's like, "Elaine, I'll meet you back at the hotel."

Right? Even at ten, I was like,

"He's not coming back, Mom. That's it right there. Oh, boy.

"You broke that poor man. Look at him.

"He's already going the wrong way.

"The hotel's back that way, right?"

I remember that vividly.

He probably got me a Mickey balloon that day, too.

I don't remember. You know what I do remember?

Him running the fuck away from that.

So that's in the brain until the day I die, all right?

So if we have parents in here, spend it on yourselves.

That's what I'm trying to say.

And they're still together. Don't worry.

Happy endings to most of my stories.

Bulldog story, not great. But other stories,

happy endings, all right?

They've been married 40 years, my parents. Incredible.

The problem is, I'm an only child.

My mom thinks I'm a girlfriend now.

She was like, "Tell me things about the relationship."

I was like, "Eh, let's not do this part," you know.

We were on the phone one day.

She goes, "You know what, Matthew? Your father and I,

"sometimes, I just think we were better parents

"than we were as a couple."

It was like, eh, difficult to hear

because they were terrible parents, all right?

Your son chose comedy for a living.

Don't think that's an A-plus.

They tried.

It's the most credit I can give my parents. They tried.

You're gonna make mistakes.

If we have only children here,

you know what I'm talking about. Like, my parents were good.

I tell them this all the time, "You guys were A-plus parents.

"You made C-plus decisions."

That's all you can hope for, you know?

I'll tell you, too, right now. When I was a kid,

I love going to concerts. Love concerts.

My mom didn't follow trends at all.

So what she would do, she, like, let me go to a concert

based on the name of the band,

which is, like, a terrible idea.

Like, I grew up loving The Barenaked Ladies.

Do you guys know who they are?

Very popular if you grew up in Canada.

My mom heard the name the first time.

She's like, "Absolutely not, Matthew."

"Don't like to that filth, that garbage.

"This Marilyn Manson sounds like a sweet girl, though.

"So you're all clear, that's...

"Is she a Christian singer?"

I was like, "Eh, more or less, give or take."

The other mistake they made, and bear with me on this one,

'cause it's gonna get a little weird in here, but trust me.

I didn't even know it was a weird story until recently, though.

You ever tell a story from your childhood

that you think is completely normal,

and you're, like, halfway through the story.

And just by that person's response, you go,

"Oh, is this not normal? All right."

This will be one. I know. Now you know.

Before I became a cashier at that grocery store,

I was a cart boy. I was about 14 years old.

And there used to be this older gentleman that came all the time.

He's a nice guy, but he was probably, like, mid-80s.

He had a ponytail.

His name is Dick.

'Cause why wouldn't it be? But that was his name.

And Dick had a thing, he would take all the younger cart boys

to Buffalo Sabres games,

which are a hockey team if you don't know.

And not, like, together, like, individually, all right?

And it's getting quiet in here, I get why. Okay.

So one day, Dick comes into the store and he goes like,

"Hey, Matt, don't know if you know this or not,

"but I have tickets to Buffalo Sabres.

"I would like for you to be my guest tonight.

"You should drive to my house in Niagara Falls,

"I'll drive from there.

"What do you say?"

So of course I'm like, "Well, I gotta ask my parents first.

"Can I take your number?" He's like, "Of course."

So he gives me his number.

I go home and tell my parents the exact description I just told you guys.

And, of course, my parents were like,

"Mmm, have fun."

C-plus decisions at best, right?

So I go to this game with Dick.

Now, I'm not sure you guys are hockey fans or not.

These are the best tickets I ever had in my life.

We're, like, right at the glass.

Guys getting checked on the boards.

It is so much fun.

And one of the biggest memories that sticks out is, it's about the third period.

Dick would always, like reach in his pocket, okay,

and he'd pull out these, like, Sunbelt granola bars.

Does anyone know what those are?

Did you grow up poor? You know what I'm laughing at?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you don't know what they are,

they're, like, the worst granola bar on the planet.

Like, you can buy 20 for, like, $1.29.

They are dog shit.

And he pulled them out, they'd be, like, warm and sweaty,

and he'd be like, "Would you like some?"

I know, at the time, I was like, "Oh, my God, free food, too?

"This is the greatest night of my life."

And so I just sit there and you see these warm, sweaty granola bars.

And here it goes again.

You guys are like, "Please don't do this.

"This isn't therapy. Save that for your Monday morning session."

But, I'm telling you guys as a group right now,

just to breathe, relax. You know why?

'Cause nothing happened.

Yeah, no.

- Oh, I'm sure. Nothing happened. - [AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS]

Well, I just think it's important for you to hear

these stories as well, that's all.

'Cause, right, you don't hear these stories that often, do you?

But they're out there. They're out there.

Sometimes, the old man takes you to Sabres games,

feeds you granola bars,

and then just leaves you alone, you know?

Now, here's the thing.

Did he molest someone else? Probably. Probably.

Wasn't this guy. That's all I give a shit about, right?

Guess what, he took me to ten more Sabres games after that, by the way.

Ten. I did the math one day, how much money he spent on me.

Like, $7,000.

Yeah, I see your faces right now.

Even I was like, by game ten, even I was like,

"Hey, man, like, do you want to touch it or something?

"I feel weird. I don't know.

"What do I do? All I do is take and take.

"Have a tug. Do what you gotta do, man."

Oh, my gosh, you guys ever watch like a video from a long time ago,

and you have a certain response to that video

and you see it again years later, and you read the comments,

you go, "Did I have the wrong response to that video?"

One of my favorite videos of all time,

you might remember this, happened in Cleveland, Ohio.

There's this bus driver, and he's, like, probably in his late 70s.

And there's this woman and she, like, verbally assaulted him.

And, at one point, she spit on his face.

All right? And he goes, "Ah, you're going to town now,"

and he uppercut her and then threw her off the bus.

All right, some people are laughing. You're my people.

Yeah. You work in customer service, right?

That's how that goes right there. Right?

I'm on your side. I thought it was the funniest video of all time.

I watched it for eight months straight.

I watched all the remix videos. I loved it.

And then I forgot about it.

And then about a month ago, it showed up in my algorithm again.

And for, like I said, the first time I read the comments

and people were divided.

Like, kind of like this room, tonight. I feel the energy, right?

There's some people who love the bus driver.

They're like, "Yes, Queen!" They love this guy.

And there's other people, like, no matter what the situation,

you can never hit a woman.

I was like, "Ohh, that's also true."

So I was divided. I go, "Whose side am I on?"

And at the end of the day, all right, I'm still on the bus driver's side.

Because right before we hit her,

he was like, "Ah! You're going to town now."

And I just love a good catchphrase, you guys.

I love a catchphrase.

Love a catchphrase, so.

And public service, this is takeaway from my show tonight.

If you're about to hit someone, it's not kosher,

just yell a catchphrase, right?

Just like, "These bananas are ripe," and just go for it, right?

People will be like, "He just hit that kid,

"but that was a fun catchphrase. I enjoyed that."

Maybe I'm mental. I don't know.

Sometimes I think I need to get on pills.

I definitely feel it's time.

My brain will run wild with, like, just paranoia, you know? Like...

So, yeah, I've been married for nine years.

Here's a paranoia that I have a lot.

My wife, whenever she goes out with people from work,

my only, like... I don't wanna say rule, that's weird.

But my only... I ask her. I go,

"Just text me. Let me know you got home safe."

A lot of couples have that thing.

99.9% time, she remembers,

but the 0.01% that she forgets,

my... It's insane.

The last time it happened, I'm gonna tell you exactly what happened.

It was at midnight. She's texting me.

"Leaving soon." "Cool. Let me know when you get home."

It's one o'clock now. Now it's 1:30.

Now it's 2:00 a.m. in the morning.

I don't hear from her. She's not texting me.

So of course, my brain is like, "Oh, my God.

"She's probably walking back from the metro,

"and there's some murderer that just started murdering her.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Now she's murdered,

"and I will never see my wife alive again."

I am freaking out.

And most people go like, "You're being insane."

Not me. I just went, have you ever done that?

I went deeper and deeper into the scenario.

Like, here's where we're at now.

"They caught the murderer!"

Yes, the murderer has now been caught.

Which, first of all, great job by law enforcement,

all right? Great job.

They solved it in 48 hours?

That's hard. That's a hard thing to do.

But now, he's going to trial and get this,

they mess up the investigation.

They messed up, of course they did, police these days.

So now, he might go to jail for seven to ten years, what the media is saying.

Seven to ten? That's my wife.

That's my, that's my love. What would you do? So here's what I do.

One day, I was at the courtroom,

I have a big knife on me, big knife.

I got a good deal. Big knife, though,

and I wait for him and I stab,

I stab real good, I get him.

I got... Yeah, it's, it's solid.

So of course he's like, "Why?"

I'm like, "I think you know why."

So, so he dies.

It's, "Yay, victory!"

But listen, you can't go murdering people in the U.S. yet, not yet.

We'll see what happens next election,

but you know, so...

So then they send me to prison.

They send me to prison.

This guy, I'm not gonna do well in prison.

I'm scared of all of you. What am I gonna do in prison, right?

But then I think about it. I go, "Hey, the first day of prison."

This is what they tell you. Go up to the biggest guy in prison.

You act like a psycho. Just go... [SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

Start smacking him, right and then,

what he'll tell his boys, like, "Stay away from that guy."

And that's how I survive in prison.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And at that very moment, my phone goes off and it's her.

It's like, "Hey, you're having a great time.

"Be home in a half-an-hour."

I'm like, "Oh, my God.

"She's fucking somebody else."

I cannot...

And that's why I need to be on pills.

And listen, this is my only couple's advice I'm gonna give tonight. Okay?

We're all a little insane.

If anyone, if you ever walk up to someone and go, "Hey, do you feel like you're...

"You're a normal person?" And they're like, "I think I'm pretty normal,"

stay away from that person. They're insane, all right?

But couples, we're all kind of...

The problem with the couples, here's what you do.

You just can't be crazy on the same day.

Does that make sense?

Like, I take, like, Thursday through Sunday,

and she tastes, like, Monday through Wednesday, and it works.

Sometimes we switch it up, too, you know.

She had a Wednesday moment. I'm gonna tell you about this one.

She's driving home from work one day,

and she's on speakerphone.

And all of a sudden, she's, like, panicky.

And she goes, "Oh, my God, Matt, I gotta go.

"I could blow up."

Right? And it's like, "Are you in Fallujah?

"Where you at right now? What's happening?

"You take a wrong turn?"

And she goes, "No, no, I'm at a gas station,

"and I feel like I read somewhere

"that if you're, if you're pumping gas on your phone,

"you're just... [MIMICS EXPLOSION] Just blow up."

Some people are laughing pretty hard.

- Yeah, yeah. Does anyone believe it? - WOMAN 1: Yes.

- Good. You kind of do? - WOMAN 2: Heard it.

You've heard it. Okay, that's, and that's great.

This, I like telling this story

because I think it's very important for people to hear this.

And then you're gonna feel so good.

If that were the case, there would be an epidemic of people

just blowing up across the country, right?

Like, this whole room

would have seen about 17 happen this year already,

which would be incredible.

Have fun with it. Am I coming across as someone

that doesn't wanna see people blow up at gas stations?

Am I? No, I would love to.

How fun would that be, to drive by some Sunoco,

some man, like, just explodes at the pump?

And you're just like, "Ha-ha, get off your phone, jackass."

Right? Like...

"Be in the moment." You know?

I was disappointed in her, I think, is the right word

'cause she just immediately was like,

"I'm hanging up the phone," and she just hung up the phone.

I'm like, "I'm married to Crazy Lady for the rest of my life."

She could be a mother one day. [LAUGHS]

But here's what happened. Fifty minutes went by,

she didn't call me back.

And now I'm the one, "Oh, no. She blew up!

"What the hell? No!

"No, no, no. I can't afford rent by myself.

"That needs to be addressed immediately." All right?

I like how you guys get that.

Yeah. Like D. C. "Get on Craigslist."

"It's expensive." I know, oh, I know.

I'm aware.

So we've got a dog at home. We've got a dog named Wilma at home.

She's the best dog in the world. I love dogs.

The only thing that's kind of stopped me

from getting a dog for the longest time is that dogs die before you.

You just have to live with that for the rest of your life.

Yeah, yeah, and I see people nodding right now, it's the worst.

It's worse, let's be honest, than losing a human being at times.

My parents' basset hound passed away about seven months ago,

it is the worst day of my life.

I had to go back home to Buffalo,

help bury her in the backyard.

There's one point I was sitting there, like, digging up dirt,

just bawling my eyes out, yelling at the skies, like,

like, "Why wasn't it Grandma?"

You know, like that.

So much easier, right?

She can't catch a Frisbee and I've tried.

I've certainly tried, but every time,

just blast her in the forehead, you know.

You're like, "You're 80? You're giving up?

"Is that how you're gonna be? Mmm. You do you."

Here's how much I love dogs.

I was a dog walker in D.C. for about two years, the best job in the world.

And then I made a huge mistake one day, I can never go back.

This is embarrassing to talk about right now.

But basically, I went to this condo

and never been there before in my life,

I was there to walk a dog named Sugar Bear.

Yeah, Sugar Bear, which is kind of a dumb name for a dog

unless your dog's name is Sugar Bear, then what a great name.

Okay, and...

So I have a key in my hand.

I thought I was at 3818

3018, go put the key in the door

and the door just opened on its own.

So I go, "Whoa, so much easier."

So I walk in and no dog greets me.

Which I'm like, well, that's a little weird, but maybe the dog is sleeping,

maybe it's hard of hearing.

Plus, this is a condo and you walk in,

there's like ten steps that go up the living room.

Do you know what I mean? So I can't see upstairs,

so I just, I just yelled the dog's name

the way you yell a dog's name as a man

when you think, like, nobody else is there to hear how you actually talk to dogs.

I'm glad some guys are laughing right now, right?

I just walked in, was like, "Sugar Bear!

"Where's that baby Sugar Bear?"

And I swear to God, the top of the steps,

a shadow appears,

and it's not a dog shadow. There's no tail.

This, like, 85-year-old shaky lady just peeks around the corner

and all she says to me, she's like, "I just woke up from a nap."

And I just said the dumbest thing I've said in my life.

I was like, "Sugar Bear?"

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING AND LAUGHING]

I agree, I don't know why I said that.

What is my brain thinking?

Are you a shape shifter, Sugar Bear?

Is that what happened right there?

Did we have a full moon last night

that I didn't hear about for some reason?

Are we caught up now? I'm in the wrong house.

Yeah. And now I'm terrified.

If she drops dead, that is my fault.

That's breaking and entering, involuntary manslaughter.

I took Criminal Justice. I know the law.

So I am apologizing,

"Ma'am, I'm so sorry. I was here to walk a dog named Sugar Bear.

And it's like, "I don't have a dog." I'm like, "I'm aware."

What do you say? I'm like, "I'm so sorry.

"I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry again."

So I shut her door.

The door is shut. The door is closed.

We can all agree as a group right now, just run.

My whole life is ahead of me. There's no witnesses.

But I stood there for almost, like, a minute,

just going, "Matt, you scared the hell out of that poor lady.

"You need to say something.

"Just say anything, make her feel better."

So this is what I said.

It's not great. I just opened her door back up,

walked back inside just to go,

"Ma'am? Ma'am,

"go back to sleep."

And I just slowly shut her door again.

Is that not the creepiest thing I could have said in that situation?

Yeah, "Go back to sleep." Like she'll ever sleep again in her life now.

That is a traumatic experience that I caused.

Traumatic, and I think about her almost daily.

Daily, because you know, why? I think about,

like, what happened later that day,

like, her daughter probably came over

and was like, "Hey, Mom, how was your day?"

And she's like, "A man came to the house,

"he called me 'Sugar Bear'."

And she's like, "Mother, enough.

"You're going to the home. That's it, Mother, I can't.

"I'm done with this, Mother."

I hope that didn't happen.

I really am trying to stay more optimistic in my life.

It's hard, it's really hard, you know.

But I try to find one thing a day to stay optimistic about.

Here's something I'm still optimistic about.

This happened six months ago. I was up in Minneapolis.

I was in this casino and I was, I was looking,

I had to go to the bathroom real fast before the show.

There's no bathroom in the green room.

So I went up to the main floor, walk in to the men's bathroom

and before I walk in, this, like, female janitor

cut me off to go clean the bathroom.

Totally cool, but also weird for a guy,

'cause, right? I just gotta piss.

But I can't go in there now and just, like,

pull out in front of the urinal in front of the female janitor.

You know, I'm not that comic.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So instead... All right, good job, Dallas.

And, uh, [CHUCKLES] so I walk into the stall,

I do my business.

About a minute later, I walk out of the stall and at the sink

also, there's, like, these two, like, these two old ladies

just sitting there just washing their hands.

So once again, I'm like, "Sugar Bear?"

Right? Like, what's that, right? "Is that you again?"

But I was like, "What is going on?"

I really was dumb. I was like, "Is this Alzheimer's?

"Do I have to call for a silver alert?

"What are they doing in here?"

But then, I look to my right and I look to my left,

I was like, "Where, where are all the urinals?"

Uh-huh. And I go, "Oh, no, you are in a woman's restroom,

"and if they scream. I think you go to jail."

That's how that works, right?

But here's the thing. They weren't screaming.

They're almost confused by me. They're like "Mmm", like that.

So I was like, "Can I get out of this?"

So this is dumb, but it worked.

I just, like, saluted them like they're part of the military, right?

"Hey, thank you for your service."

And just, like, ran out of the bathroom and they didn't scream.

They didn't scream.

That's why I stay optimistic.

You're like, what the hell are you talking about?

Here's what I'm talking about. I think ten years ago,

those ladies, they'd probably scream, they'd absolutely scream.

But now, I think they looked at me,

they processed the information and probably just went,

"Eh! She's probably transitioning.

"All right? That's it. Good for her.

"Good for her, the beard's got to go, but she'll get there.

"She'll get there.

"Mmm. We are so woke, Gwendolyn."

Yeah, it's probably just that.

I appreciate that.

And you guys, once again, you guys are nice people.

I'm trying to be a better person.

I think it's so important, and I think... I've seen the audience tonight.

Everyone seems like a nice...

My problem is, is when I try to be extra nice,

I feel like people take advantage of me and then I get mad.

And I don't want to be that person either.

Like, we have a pretty big homeless population in D.C.,

as you're all well aware, and I try to help when I can.

But I was going to this pizza shop one day.

There's this homeless guy outside

and he goes like, "Hey, man, I need money for the bus.

"Do you have $10 or $20 on you?"

I was like, "Oh, my God, are you trying to buy the bus?"

What's happening right now, right?

That is a lot of money, and here's the thing I did,

but I go, something feels off about that.

I'll go, "Listen, man, I don't,

"but I'm about to get a slice of pizza.

I'll get you a slice of pizza, too. Is that cool?"

And he goes, [ANGRILY] "Yeah, fine."

I'm like, "I guess it's one way to say thank you?" All right.

So I'm already feeling a little annoyed.

I don't think he's appreciating me for how humble

and generous I'm being, right?

So I walk in, I go, "Let me get one slice of pepperoni,

"and then whatever this guy would like,"

and he walks up so confidently, he goes,

"Let me get three slices of meat lovers".

Uh-huh? I didn't say three.

But now, I'm in a pickle, 'cause I can't be the guy that yelled at the homeless guy.

Like, "No, no, no. I said one slice of pizza!"

I can't... You can't be that guy either.

So I paid, I paid for his pizza, it cost me $16.75.

That man taught me a lesson.

He's like, "Just give me $10 for the bus.

"You could save $6.75."

I'm like, [CHUCKLES] "You're an economics professor.

"That's who you are."

I got to stick up for myself more, too, you know.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I know I'm supposed to stand up for myself,

and I apologize.

I stayed at this hotel recently, won't even say the name of hotel,

normally a good hotel chain.

But I check into my room, it's, like, midnight,

and I look at my comforter, and I was like, "What is it?"

There's, like, two dead cockroaches on my comforter.

Exactly. I gotta say something.

So I went to the front desk dude, and I immediately go,

"Hey, man, I'm really sorry."

I apologize, that's how I started the conversation.

I said I'm sorry. Like I put the cockroaches there, right?

And I go, "Hey, man, I'm really sorry, but I just found, like,

"two dead cockroaches on my comforter."

And he goes, "Oh, no, no, no, sir."

"Those are stink bugs."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Are we not debating that there's insects in my room anymore?

"You're going after my inability to identify which insect that is?"

That would've be funny if I did say that, that was comedy.

But you know what I did say? I go, "No!"

I just went back to my fucking room.

I was like, "All right.

"Guess I have roommates now.

"Wait, do they get the hotel points?

"I still want those. They don't get the... I paid for the room."

I'm happy, I'm happily married.

You know, I was never good at being single. I wasn't.

I was never, like... There's some...

I have some friends who are, like, good at being single.

They're totally cool with having one night stands.

I don't, I don't have the physique to be in a one night stand

if it gets, like, scary.

You know, 'cause I had a couple... I don't want to kink shame right now.

I had a couple weird one night stands.

The weirdest one I ever had is this girl one time,

it's years ago. You know, we have a good night,

we go to my hotel room,

and there's no cockroaches in the bed. Great.

And, you know, we're in the bedroom

and we're doing doing our best.

We're having fun, you know. We're going at it for,

you know, five minutes...

For the sake of the story.

- Yeah? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You weren't there. You don't know, right?

I can add a few minutes, right?

I'm Superman in this story.

So, I'm doing, I'm giving it a good...

I'm giving a good session, all right?

You know, like, I'm not bringing it.

But also, like, if I was a car and I went by a cop,

he's like, "He's five miles over the speed limit.

"Good for him. You know, he's trying."

And all of a sudden, she's like,

I'm on top, she's underneath me,

and also she's getting, like, a little... just aggressive,

like, she's kinda getting like, "Yeah, yes!"

She's kind of... It's almost, you ever see

when two dudebros about to fight each other,

but they're not fighting yet.

They're just kinda like... Like that?

I was like, you see? So, of course, I'm like, "Is she having a seizure?

"What's happening right here, right?"

But it also felt very good on my dick.

So I go, "I'm gonna keep going. I don't know.

"She's an adult, she'll let me know, right?"

So I keep going.

And also she's like, "Yeah, motherfucker.

"Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah, motherfucker!"

I don't really like her calling me "motherfucker"

but I'm like, "Yeah, I guess so, you know." I don't know what this is about.

So I keep, and all of a sudden, she reached back

and she slaps me across the face hard.

Ow! Owie! Right? I didn't like...

And then she goes, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Choke me. Choke me. I want you to choke me."

Which, first of all, no!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I've just met this girl, I'm not going to choke her.

What if I did choke her, and she goes to the cops

like, "Look what he did to me."

And then, you've got to go to prison once again.

"Ow! Owie!" Right?

Am I gonna smack the biggest guy in prison again?

All right. It's all full circle.

But I also want people to feel joy.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

We've talked about this tonight.

I want people to be happy.

So what I did is very, very spur of the moment decision.

I... It's dumb, but I thought it would work,

I really thought, I put my left hand around her neck, okay?

But I didn't actually choke her.

I just made like a choking face and sound at her instead.

You know, I started to go... [YELLS] Like that, right?

But no actual choking. Just, like, the face.

[GROANS]

I was like, "Oh, no, my big teeth!" I was like... [YELLS]

And of course, she immediately was like, "What are you doing?"

But I stay committed, I was like... [GROANS] Like that!

And she was like, "Dude!" And I was like... [SOFT GROANS]

And she goes, "Well, I guess we're finished."

I was like, "Well, I just came."

That was really, like, ugh.

I'm into that, if you want to know.

[CHUCKLES] I don't know.

All right.

Here we go. This, this is the... This is the dismount.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I...

Specifically chose Dallas for this reason...

- [WOMAN WHOOPS] - ...because, well...

Here's why. I got booed about this bit

about three months ago in Florida.

So, Texas, don't ruin it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This is probably my fault, too.

I probably said it the wrong way.

So, I'm not a very religious person, okay.

But I'm also not against faith.

Does that make sense? I find organized religion to have a few flaws.

Nice way to put it.

Here's one. My dad got denied baptism five years ago.

- Yeah. Exactly. Did you know that is a thing? - WOMAN: Yeah.

'Cause I just thought you show up and you go, "I want to be baptized,"

and the church is like, "We can use your money.

"Get in here." Like, I thought that's how it worked.

But my mom is going to this Baptist church for a while,

my dad's a very simple guy.

So she told him, she goes, "You should become a Baptist as well."

And my dad goes, "Okay." He thought that was it.

But at this church, you have, like, a three-week training course.

I don't... So he went for a class one hour a week,

and they, it was just people...

They're just people, not even the higher-ups.

Which I don't think they call them higher-ups as I say that out loud.

But you get my point.

So the last class my dad went for,

along with three people who belonged to the church.

They asked a bunch of questions.

And the last question they asked him, they go, "Sir, when you die,

"do you think you'll go to heaven?"

And my dad goes, "Oh, I hope so."

And they go, "Huh. You've fucking failed!" Uh...

They didn't say "fuck" but you get my point, right?

They told my father, "That is the wrong answer,

"you need to retake the course."

No, it's not. That is not the wrong answer!

No one knows for sure.

And if you ever saw someone go up to someone

and go, "When you die, do you think you'll go to heaven?"

And that person went, "Yes, I will!"

You wouldn't be like, "I hope you don't!" [LAUGHS]

"I hate you. I hate your confidence," right?

And plus, those people spoke for God,

that's what bothers me the most about organized religion.

People love to speak for God.

The Bible contradicts everything you say anyway.

When I lived in Niagara Falls in New York,

I lived near a Planned Parenthood clinic.

I saw pro-lifers out there every day speaking for God.

They're just, like, you know, "God is pro-life. God is pro-life."

I just wanted to be like, "Really?"

Like that time when He wiped out the entire planet

except for, like, Noah and maybe a few hundred animals?

You're just telling me that there were zero preggos on Earth that day?

That's what we're going with right there?

Zero? Not even at least one?

Like, on the way to the county store, like,

"I need bread and plums 'cause I'm eating for two.

"What is that? A wave?"

[SCREAMS] Like, I'm pretty sure...

There was a couple preggos. That's all I'm saying.

I'm glad you guys... Good. Good for you on that one.

You're probably asking yourself, "How did that do in Jacksonville

"three months ago?" Not well. Not well, you guys.

Who would have thought in that swing state? Okay.

I tell you this first part of the story to tell you the second part of the story.

My mom does community theatre on the side

and we try to support everything that she's in.

So about two years ago, I'm driving home to Buffalo.

We're on the phone, my mom goes, "Oh, I'm in this play this weekend.

"Can you and your father come?"

I go, "Absolutely. What's it about?"

She goes, "Oh, Matthew, I would just love if the two of you came."

Now you're all smarter than I am at this point.

I thought she didn't have a speaking role, that's what I thought.

I thought she was embarrassed,

so we go to this play,

I'll never forget, it's 11:30 a.m. on a Sunday,

which, if any, that's the best time to see community theatre. All right?

There's no understudies on 11:30 a.m. Sunday show, right?

And the play was calledHeaven's Gates, Hell's Flames.

And the reason I love telling this story,

'cause Dallas understands this story.

If you don't know, it's the evangelical touring play

and they go into all these theatres that hold about 200 people

and what they do, they give free tickets to kids who are about 12 and under,

so the fear-based age.

And the whole premise of the play, it's wild.

It's always an adult and child on stage,

the child's like, "I believe in Jesus. That means you go to heaven."

And the adult's like, "Hey, you know, that's great,

"I just have a couple questions about all, all that."

And then something terrible happens. Like, a bus hits him,

they stop for gas, they're on their cellphone,

boom! Right?

They're dead. Now, they're very dead. Okay?

So on the stage, there's this big, pearly gate, if you remember,

and, like, this heavenly music starts playing,

and then, out walks Jesus.

And... Not real Jesus, by the way.

I want to point that out to the audience.

He might have, I didn't do meet-and-greet after,

but he comes out and he points to the kid, he's like, "You!

"Come on in, my son."

And the child walks up the steps

and everyone starts cheering.

And they're like "Yay!"

It's very creepy.

And the person who doesn't believe in Jesus, he just goes "Nah!"

Like, that was not how he did, that's weird.

"Nah". That was a weird way to do that.

"Did Jesus get the vaccine?"

- So, uh... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah! So, anyway...

So the lights go down and this crazy music starts playing,

and out runs the devil.

Now I was, like, 38 years old,

even I was like, "What is..." It was terrifying.

And the devil runs out, right, grabs the adult,

drags him off to Hell

while the child and Jesus sit there and watch.

I know we have some religious people here tonight.

But I hope this is the most fucked up shit you've heard so far in my act.

And I almost got molested, what, seven jokes ago. Right?

So, I go to my dad and I go, "Not for me."

So I get up, I'm trying to leave,

my dad goes, "Matthew, sit down.

"Your mom's going last. We're here to support her."

I was like, [SIGHS] "Wish you left us in Disney."

- So, I sit down... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When I tell you this is the best decision of my life.

My mom did the play for three days at that point

and I think my mom was like, "Listen. I can follow a script

"or I can make this so much better."

'Cause the devil came up to grab my mom, she goes...

"No!" and just ran away.

So this kid who's playing the devil is like, "What is going on?

"Improv! Yay!"

So he runs after her,

and they're literally at one point wrestling on the ground together.

And I think he's breaking character.

He's like, "You're going to hell, lady!"

And she's like, "I am not going to hell!"

And he's like, "We have a second show. Come on."

So, he finally gets a hold of her.

Now she's giving in, but she's still going for her Community Theatre Oscar,

she is not letting go.

And finally, he pulls her behind the curtain,

but she's, like, one last blood-curdling scream.

She's like, "No!"

And we just all slowly watched her fingers

go behind the curtain

and it was completely silent

in this theatre of about 200 people

except for me and my dad in the back

- just laughing our asses off. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We even started clapping at one point.

We'll never see these people again. Who cares, right?

It was a beautiful moment between the two of us.

My dad's not even that funny. But I go, "You think she went to hell?"

He just goes, "Huh? I hope so. I don't know.

"No one knows for sure."

You guys, that's it from me. Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

- I hope you had a good time. - [CHEERING]