All language subtitles for Finesse Mitchell - 2018 - the spirit told me to tell you ENG

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[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
Finesse Mitchell.

["Remember Me"
by Keith Jacobs playing]

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
I'm in my fresh clothes ♪

♪ Mutha the club ain't thinking
bout no dress code ♪

♪ Oh, and it's all about
finesse, though ♪

♪ I'm Keith J just in case
I haven't let you know ♪

[song ends]

Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

Sit on down.
Sit on down.

- What up, L.A.?
- [cheers and applause]

Won't he do it?
Won't he do it?

- [woman] Yes, he will!
- And if y'all don't know

anything about my life,
I'm standing up here

telling you right now
won't he do it?

He's so good to me.
What?

And I'm talking about
the Man upstairs, man.

'Cause when I first got out here
from Atlanta,

talking about years ago,
people, I was like,

"I don't know."
A lot of people don't

follow they dreams.
You gotta follow your dreams.

I said, "I'm going.
Fuck it, I'm going."

- [cheers]
- And when I got out here, man,

I was like, "Oh, he blessing me
right off the bat."

I got a two-bedroom,
$630 a month.

Sixteen-hundred square feet
right off of Rodeo.

I'm bragging to everybody
in Atlanta,

"It ain't hard out here.
It's good.

It's affordable.
The same prices in Atlanta."

[laughter]

You ever find out
you live in a bad neighborhood

- while watching a movie?
- [laughter]

I saw Training Day
with Denzel Washington

I was like, "Wait a minute,
that's my house right there.

- What the...
- [laughter]

I live next door
to Denzel girlfriend.

What the fuck?
I thought..."

My L.A. friends
were trying to tell me.

They was like, "Bro, you...
you don't live off of Rodeo."

I'm like...
"It say 'Rodeo.'"

He said, "No, but in that area
it's 'ro-dee-oh.'"

I'm like,
"What's the difference?"

They were like, "Eight homicides
a month and no Jamba Juice."

I was like, "Fuck!

I don't have a Jamba Juice.
Damn."

I mean, that's all right.
I made it through.

The toughest thing
that ever really happened

to me in that neighborhood
was somebody

tried to break in the car
with me in the car.

Like, I dozed off.
I was sleep.

It's late at night, you know?

You think
you gonna say something tough

when somebody violates
you like that.

The most gangsta thing
I could think of...

They woke me up out my sleep.
I was like, "Hey!

Somebody's in here.
I'm in here. Hey.

Hey, come on now.
Right here.

This is me right here.
That's... The one up there,

that's empty.
This is... I'm right here.

Matter of fact, let me
get the hell out this car."

[laughter]

No, man, L.A.
been good to me, though.

I can't even complain about it.
I...

Only thing He gotta
work on me now...

and I'm talking about my...

He gotta get me out them clubs,

but not like I go a lot,
I just go to check in.

Like, I'm in
the entertainment business.

Sometimes you just gotta go
and check in.

Make sure you got it,
make sure they know you.

You know what I'm saying?
But...

being in your 40s,
even though, like, we age good

and y'all know
who I'm talking about right now.

We... We age good.

And you think they don't know.

Real, young people, they know.

They know your ass
ain't supposed to be in there.

I don't care how much
cocoa butter you put on.

Nah, they know.
They say the same shit

we said when we was 21
and we saw somebody

40 walk in the club.
"Keisha, there go your daddy.

That's your daddy.
He just came in.

Oh, my God,
he got on suspenders.

That's your daddy."

You don't even know
they talking about you.

You in there like, "Yeah.

What y'all know about
Cool Water Cologne?

Doesn't matter."

Being there having a good time.

You be doing the dances
better than them sometimes.

They... Young people
are haters, dawg.

Stay out the club if you don't
want your feelings hurt

'cause you could be in there,
you could be doing, [grunts]

They'll still walk by
say something unnecessary.

"Excuse me, sir."
"Bitch, shut up.

I ain't no damn 'sir.'

You see me killing this shit,
hater.

You a hater."

"They don't play jazz here."
"Shut up!

I know where I'm at!"

[laughter]

Sometimes, I ain't gonna lie,
we do be in there

taking up space, though.

You ever see old people
in the club just sitting there

just chilling?
Doing everything but partying.

They be thinking about all
the shit they gotta get done.

They be like, "God damn,
I could've done

that load of whites.
God damn.

I'm up here in this
goddamn club.

I ain't create no space
in my DVR.

Law & Orderabout to come on.
God damn."

Sometimes they doze off.

They ain't even drunk.
You just be...

You ever see...
We just doze off.

Doze the fuck off for no reason.

We only dance
when we hear one song.

♪ Wobba diddy, wobba diddy,
wobba, hey ♪

♪ Wobba, hey, wobba diddy,
wobba diddy, wobba diddy ♪

♪ Wobba get in there, what ♪

- [audience] Get in there!
- ♪ Get in there, what ♪

- [audience] Get in there!
- You be mad at your friend.

"Why didn't you wake me up?
I almost missed it. Shit."

♪ Wobba diddy ♪
You know what song I wanna hear.

That's the safest dance
we can do now-a-days.

You can't... You can't do
that new shit.

You try to do
this shit right here.

[laughter]

Fuck around, hit your nuts.

Done grazed my nuts!

And I don't know
what the fuck this is.

Got to...
You got a corn on your toe,

you can't do that shit.
That's...

That's the young people shit
right there.

I miss that old-school shit.
I don't know how many of y'all

old-school,
but I grew up in Miami.

You know what I'm saying?
When I went to college,

that's when Luke came out.

Did y'all... Did you know Luke?

- No.
- You never heard of Luke?

- Sing something.
- Yeah, sing it.

Everybody say, "Hey!

[audience] We want some pussy!

Yeah!

- Ain't that romantic?
- [laughter]

We want some pussy, bitch.
Hey!

You've never heard of that song?

That's the...
That's on the Christmas album.

That's the number one hit.

That's when... That's when dancing
was dancing.

That was...
It was dancing and a workout.

You know what I'm saying?

♪ 2 Live Crew ♪

That's when... That's when
all the girls were getting us.

It wasn't called "twerking."

It was called "booty shake."

Let me give y'all
a history lesson.

Booty shake.

Miley Cyrus switched
it to twerking...

but that's when all the girls
would get in a circle

and... you know, bam!
Bam! Bam! Bam!

Fellas, that's the only time
you could get behind a girl

and rub the fabric
off your jeans.

- Yeah, you go...
- [laughter]

You be bragging to your friends.

She don't care.
Bam! Bam! Bam!

You be waiting for that song.

You always want a big girl, too,
'cause a big girl they...

It's a better dance.
They can absorb more.

You just...

Skinny girls,
they complain too much.

You hit them, they be like,
"Oh, I'm sorry.

Come back.
That's your fault.

You need to eat.
Come back.

I'll do it softer.
Come back.

Turn around.
Look that way."

[laughter]

But a big girl?
That's the song.

That's a fight. That's bam!
She be trying to kill you

and you don't wanna lose.

[laughter]

Big girls always have energy
on a Luke song.

They can't walk up a driveway,
but they can goddamn finish

three Luke songs.

You'll tag out,
she don't even know.

You be like...

"She crazy.
Go home!"

She on!

[laughter]

The good ole days!

Oh, man,
but you got sometimes...

Let me talk to you people,
sometimes you gotta leave

those days in the past,
you know what I'm saying?

Ain't nothing wrong
with looking your age

and feeling good
and happy where you are in life,

you know what I'm saying?

- I'm blessed.
- [cheers and applause]

Shout out to all the people
who been married

a second time.
Where are all my...

my second time...
Yes, I see you, sir.

Yes, don't be ashamed.

Sometimes that's what
God has for you.

You wasn't ready
for the first one.

The first one
wasn't ready for you.

Y'all didn't know
what y'all were doing.

Y'all was wasting
each other time.

And then
the next thing you know,

He gets you
out of that situation

and bring you into a new
situation and bless you.

This the person
you supposed to be with.

Yeah, look at her.
She's like, "Yes. Yes!

I tell his ass that all day.

I saved your life!"

- What's your name?
- [woman] Marcella.

- Not you, ma'am, him.
- [laughter]

- Huh? Lance!
- [man] Lance.

You good, Lance?

Lance, you ever get like
four months into the second one

and start saying shit like,
"Well, maybe it isme.

- I don't know.
- [laughter]

Maybe this shit
ain't for everybody.

Marcella ain't the blessing."

Nah, I'm just kidding.
Y'all look good together, man.

You know what?
It ain't even us, Lance,

we ready.
We ready for the blessing,

but your boys don't let you
be happy in marriage

if they single.

Your boys call late.

They always shouting
through the phone.

You scared to answer the phone.

You be like, "Hello?"
It's always the same shit.

"Hey! Hey, what you doing?
Chris Brown and Drake

about to have a light-skinned
Wakanda party, nigga. Let's go."

You like, "Hey, mm-. Mm-mm."

"You wanna go?"
"Mm-mm. Mm-mm."

"You don't wanna go?"
"Mm-mm."

"Your wife
ain't gonna let you go?"

- "Mm-mm."
- [laughter]

"She in the same room with you?"
"Mm-hmm."

"She looking at you?"
"Mm-hmm."

"I bet you wanna go.
Put her on the phone.

Let me ask her." "Mm-mm!"
"I'm on my way over there.

Tell her
you taking out the trash."

"Mm-mm. I did that last week.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm."

"Why she don't like me?"

"'Cause you always
call here late."

"It's 9:30."

"Yeah, but that's 9:30
in single-people time.

It is 1:30 in the morning
for married-people time!"

"So that mean
you don't wanna go?"

"No, I don't wanna go."

"Okay, I'm outside."
"[groaning]

Let me call you back.
[groans]

Ah, babe,
this trash look so full.

[groans]"

Sometimes
you gotta get creative.

I get
creative as hell sometimes.

'Cause you gotta use your chips,
fellas, when your marriage,

gotta use your chips.

- Gotta strategically use 'em.
- [man] Yes.

And sometimes
you just gotta get creative.

I be like, "Hey, babe...

[inhales sharply, exhales]

[groans]"

"What's wrong?"

[laughter]

"Reggie died."

"Who is Reggie?"
"Reggie! My frat brother Reggie?

Reggie.
Known him for 20 years,

I pledged with him.
Re... [exhales]

Reggie died."

"Oh, okay.
Well, you okay?"

"Yeah, I just... I don't...
We all on a group chat

right now and we trying
to figure it out.

I just...

But I decided to be a pallbearer
so I'ma go to the funeral

and, um...
and it's an out-of-town funeral

so I gotta... you know,
I'ma leave on Friday

and come back Sunday.
You know what I mean.

I just...
I'm distraught right now.

My head is just...
He's so young.

He was my age."
"Oh... okay.

Well, if he was that close,
you want me to come with you?"

"No, no, no, no, no, no.
You didn't know him like that

and I don't... you know, I don't
wanna spring this on you.

I can deal with it."

"Okay, well,
where's the funeral?"

[laughter]

"Vegas."

[laughter]

"Vegas?

This like the fifth friend
that died

that's lived in Vegas.

Why all your friends
die in Ve..."

"I... Babe, I don't know.
I don't know, but...

[exhales sharply]"

"Well, when is it?"

- "Labor Day weekend.
- [laughter]

DJ Khaled gonna be there."

[laughter]

[laughs]

Nah, man, but you gotta
keep these women happy, fellas.

It's like the scripture say,
"He who finds a wife..."

- [woman] "Finds a good thing."
- No, "Finds tax break."

- That's, uh...
- [laughter]

You gotta ke...
But that's good, too.

That's in the Book, right?
That's in the Book.

♪ Keep these women happy ♪

Mm mm mm.

'Cause when I tell you
ain't nothing...

Like, if your... if your life
is easy at home,

it's not like you can't
go nowhere,

you just need permission.

For everybody thinking about it,

don't think you can just
up and leave.

You need to start practicing
right now.

Test... Test your lady
and just be like,

"Hey, babe, I'll be back.
I'll be right back."

I bet she be like, "Hey, girl,
let me call you back.

Huh? Let me call you back.
He trying to leave.

He trying to leave.
I'll call you back.

Hey, hey, where you going?

'Cause I was... I got my phone.
I'm looking in the calendar,

I don't have you going
nowhere right now.

Where you... Where you going?"

I'm just gonna go get some food.
That's... You want some food?"

"Oh, okay.

Popeyes?"
"Popeyes. Whatever you want."

"Okay, well,
that should take 19 minutes,

I'm gonna put it
in the calendar."

[laughter]

You gotta be compatible, though,
more than just physically.

I know that much.
I learned that much in therapy.

How 'bout that?
Bam!

[laughter]

More than physically.

You gotta be
compatible emotionally.

And what about you, big sir,
what... what's a good one?

- [man] Mentally.
- Mentally!

That's a good one.
That's a good one.

Ma'am, you thinking of one?

No?
All right, that's okay.

What about you, ma'am?
N...

- Mentally.
- [man] Spiritually.

Spiritually!
Look at... Look at the giant.

He know all the damn answers.

- [man] Married ten years.
- You married ten years.

All you young people.

I don't even know
why I looked at y'all.

I could look at your shirt
and tell you was married.

I said, "He married as fuck
right there.

That's... That's
a married shirt right there."

That's... I got
that same shirt in red.

That's... Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

- What's your name, sir?
- [man] Gerald.

Gerald, wanna know
what another good one is?

Televisionally.

Think. You gotta be compatible
televisionally.

[laughter]

Let it sink in.

There's people at home right now
saying, "That's... Yeah.

That's pretty damn good."

You gotta be able to watch
at least three shows together.

Three! That's it.
Not a lot.

Not the whole program in...
Just three.

Because if you don't,

then you really
don't know each other.

You don't get
to spend no time...

You wake up early,
you get out the house,

you gotta rush, you gotta
get yourself out the house.

Sometimes you got kids, you got
to get them out the house.

You barely speak!

And then by the time you really
got your mind together,

it's getting together
to be the best you on the job.

So now you preparing to give
your best self to the job.

You done them.
Done with them eight hours.

Now you back in the car,
you on your way home.

Gotta pre... mentally prepare
yourself to come home.

You walk through the door,
you gotta decompress.

[laughter]

We've all seen
our parents decompress.

If you're white
it might sound something like,

"Okay, one sec.
Give Mommy a sec.

- [laughter]
- Can I get a sec?

I just walked in.
Give me a sec."

If you're black it might be
a little bit more rude.

"Okay, none of y'all fucking
talk to me for 25 minutes.

I don't know nothing,
don't ask me shit,

I don't know shit.
I'll let y'all know

when I'm ready to talk.
Don't talk to me.

- I'll let you know."
- [cheers and applause]

That was my mama.
Then my mama come back out

25 minutes later like she ain't
never cussed nobody out.

"Hey, how was your day?

Anybody hungry?
You want something to eat?"

"Mama, you called me a
'motherfucker' ten minutes ago."

"Well, you didn't let me
put my purse down."

Anyway,
by the time you get your food...

now you really ready to relax.

That's...
That's the intimate time.

But if you like one type
of show and they like

another type of show,
they in a whole 'nother room

watching TV.
Two more hours go by.

The only time y'all get
to spend time together

is when you get back into bed.

And that's a fake conversation.

"Hey, babe,
you wanna do the ho... No?

- Okay, me, neither. Okay."
- [laughter]

But if you can watch
three shows together,

that's when you can sit up
under each other

and talk about the day.

- Pop each other pimples.
- [laughter]

Ignore the kids together.

"Mom and Daddy!"
"We not here!"

As a group.
That's...

That's sexy
when you say it in unison.

Bring you closer together.

But that's what it's about.

See... here's what
me and my lady, we... we...

we cross hairs a little bit
'cause I like scripted shows.

She like all reality shows.

I don't like reality shows.

Matter of fact, I...
it makes me...

Like... Like the other day.
We both found out together.

Like, she said, "Hey...

Is there some tension every time
it's time to watch TV?

Is there some tension?"

And I was like,
"What do you mean 'tension'?

I should be asking you that.
Every night you sleep

way on the other side of the bed

like I got Ebola or something.

I should be asking you
'Is there some tension?'"

And she was like, "Well, I do
that 'cause you sleep wild."

And I was like, "I don't
even know what that means.

What? I spread out?"
She was like, "No,

sometimes you elbow me
in your sleep."

I was like,
"Oh, I don't be sleep."

[laughter]

Every time you make me watch
Real Housewives

of Who Gives a Fuck,
you catch a rib shot

- at two in the morning."
- [cheers]

I don't like that show.
She watch Real Housewives

- of all of 'em!
- [laughter]

All... Every city.
It's the same damn show!

In every city!
And I don't like it because

the guy... the girls on the show
pretend like they friends.

Like they... they lure you in
under the guise that

they are friends.

So you watch
it as entertainment,

but them chicks ain't friends.
They don't like each other,

they don't like
the men they with.

They don't like nobody!

And all you gonna do is bring
that dysfunction

back into our relationship.

I know the mind game.
I'm woke.

- You know what I'm saying?
- [laughter]

You seen the show.
They all come out

in the same dress
in the beginning.

[laughter]

Then they walk up and they
hand out a piece of fruit.

[laughter]

Fruit is for friends!

Real Housewives of Atlanta
hold out a peach.

Orange County
hold out an orange.

New Jerseyhold out a gun.
They just...

- [laughter]
- Just depends on

where the girls are from.

They all say something corny
in the beginning.

"Hi, I'm Candy and I used
to wait on tables,

but now people wait on me."

[laughter]

I be looking at my lady like,
"[gags]"

The corniest shit
I ever heard in my life!

I do like the women
from Orange County, though,

'cause they rich for real

and they don't have
no prenup, so...

they say
whatever they wanna say.

"Hi, I'm Sofia

and if you're gonna suck a dick,
make sure it's attached

to a billionaire."

[laughter]

I be like, "Hey, turn that up.

That was pretty good
right there.

Turn that up.
What's her name? Sofia?

That's some good advice, Sofia.

That's...

That's some OG advice
right there.

I never... Matter of fact,
wake up the baby.

She need to hear that.
I never heard...

I never heard it
put like that before.

I never had no reason
to even think twice

about it.

But now that I have a daughter
and I be...

I'm thinking to myself,
'I gotta pass something down.'

I'm definitely
passing that down.

That was some Jedi shit
right there.

That's..."

It made total sense.
If you gonna suck one...

suck a dick with a boat,
you know what I'm saying?

Start up here with boat dick

and then work your way down.

I'm not saying be a gold digger,
but if you find

a man with a boat,
suck that dick.

Then suck down.
Mercedes, Range Rover,

an Audi, a Lexus.

Hell, even if you find
a Ford F150 truck dick,

that's not a bad dick, ladies.
That's...

You gonna move
at least once in your life.

You gonna need a truck.
That's not a bad dick.

I would recommend that dick.

That's a middle-of-the-road
dick right there.

I'm not saying don't do that.

I'm talking to all you ladies
that's 39 going into 40

and you sucking
1993 Toyota Corolla dick.

That's who I'm talking to!

That's down...
See, you need to...

suck better.
That's... You know, I don't...

I don't know how to say it,
but...

See, I'm... See, I'm looking
at the faces

and some of the ladies
are getting tight

and in they feelings.

I realize why you're quiet now
'cause...

you're thinking, "Damn,
I started sucking way too low

and now I-I'm stuck."
You not stuck.

It's a new year.

Suck your way outta
that tax bracket!

[laughter]

That's what He want for you.
He want you to have boat dick.

He wants you to suck up.

Some of you are just way
too lenient with the sucks.

You need to...
suck better.

You 43 and you sucking
Nissan Sentra dick

and the passenger seatbelt
don't even work.

You're risking your life
sucking that dick!

[laughter]

Come on...

suck better.

Look at you, in your feelings
all in your thoughts.

I see you, ma'am. I see ya.
I see a bunch of people.

Thinking 'bout the dicks
of Christmas past.

Let them dicks go!
Let 'em go!

Them dicks are gone.

Some of you talking
to yourselves,

"I had a friend who had a friend
who had a boat.

I could've sucked that, but I...

but I'ma move on."

That's not even me.
Don't even blame me.

That's the... The Spirit
told me to...

deliver that message.
He wants everybody to do better.

[laughter]

Motivate 'em if you have to.
Hell, threaten 'em.

"You got three more sucks left
and then I'ma try to do

something else
with my life 'cause I...

I'm 45. I should at least
have seat warmers by now.

This don't make no sense."

I'll move on.
Fuck it.

No I won't.
I got one more point to make.

[cheers and applause]

There is a girl
named Meghan Markle...

- [woman cheers]
- And this young lady...

is about to marry
into the Royal Family.

[cheers and applause]

She is an American.

She is half-black.
From Los Angeles.

Grew up in the Crenshaw
District in Windsor.

And... if you know anything
about Crenshaw...

it's not a good neighborhood.

It's where Ricky died.

[laughter]

If you saw Boyz n the Hood
you know what I'm talking about.

Ricky was
supposed to be running,

but he was fucking around
with a Scratch 'N Sniff

and wasn't paying attention

and Cuba was way too late.
He tried!

He's like, "Ricky!"
But too late.

Pow.
Ricky dead.

That happened in Crenshaw.

[laughter]

But I bring
all that up to say this:

had that young lady

only sucked
to her surroundings...

she never would've made it
into the Royal Family!

But she didn't let
her environment

dictate her trajectory
of where she should go.

And look at her now!
She a princess!

It could happen to you!
It could happen to you!

I say I ain't nothing
but The Spirit!

I need all heads bowed,
all eyes closed.

Will you come?
Will you come?

I just need...

That was West Angeles
Bishop Blake, okay?

[laughs]

She changed her life!

All right, so this
is a horrible transition...

but like I said, I'm a new dad.

[cheers and applause]

I-I found out that I got skills
I didn't even know I had.

If you wait late to have a baby,

you find out you can do things
you didn't know you could do.

I'm good, bro,
at swaddling the baby.

You know what that is?

Swaddling... Sir, you know
what swaddling is.

- Yes.
- [man laughs]

[laughter]

That's when
you wrap the baby up,

you know what I'm saying?

You just like take a little
upside-down triangle blanket.

You make it upside-down,
you lay the baby halfway up

on it, wrap it up in such a way

they can't get they arms out.

That's what the nurse told me,
you know?

Stops them
from scratching they self

in the middle of the night
'cause they nails

grow so quickly.

- I just taught you something.
- [laughter]

There's always one black dude,
"I just thought

that was the cover."
No, it's... it's called...

I didn't even know
I was good at that.

And she was like,
"Mr. Mitchell,

you said this was
your first child."

I said, "It is."
She said, "Well, I taught you

how to swaddle one time
and now you should teach a class

to all my nurses.

How did you learn
how to swaddle?"

I was like, "Bitch,
I been rolling shit...

I mean, I been wrapping
shit up for years!

[grunting]"

[laughter]

My daughter be like...

I be like, "You ain't getting
out of that!

That's my Swisher Sweets swaddle
right there.

That's grape flavor
I just put you in right there.

That's..."
[laughs]

Now the baby is two so, uh...

if you know anything
about two year olds...

you gotta watch what you say.
They repeat every damn thing.

- [laughter]
- You know?

She repeat my wife I know
'cause my wife is bougie.

My daughter come in her room,
"Father, I'm feeling fatigued."

I be like,
"Don't talk to me like that.

I'm not gonna listen to
two people talk to me like that.

Say you need a nap.
Talk two, don't talk 35."

When she repeat me,
oh, that's so embarrassing.

Like, we'll have everybody
over for dinner

and we'll be holding hands.

You know how you always pick
the wrong person to say grace?

You pick the person
who wanna be a pastor

so they saying
a 15-minute grace.

So you just sitting there
like...

Everybody start squeezing
each other hand to stay awake.

[laughter]

Finally you hear, "Amen."
You be like, "Amen."

My baby be like,
"That nigga took forever."

I be like, "Hey! Hey!
I'm-I'm sorry.

I don't know where she that...
Hey!

We don't use that word!
That's your uncle.

Uh, I don't know
where she get that."

My wife be looking at me
like, "Mm mm mm mm mm.

All you."
I'm like, "All right."

So then you try
to frickin' fix it.

You try to get some...
some brownie points.

My lady...
My lady like Wendy Williams.

Uh, you know Wendy Williams.

[as Wendy Williams]
"How you doing?"

- [laughter]
- So I taught my baby that

'cause I thought
it'd be cute, you know?

Just trying to, like,
get back in the good graces.

You know?
So my lady come home one day.

The baby look at me.
I'm like...

She walk up to my wife,
she go, "How you doing?"

My wife said, "Now thatis what
you should teach her.

That's so cute.
We need to Instagram that.

Out of nowhere the baby said,
"Wendy got some

big, ole titties."
I said, "Fuck me. God damn.

You a snitch!

Oh, I ain't even
say it like that.

[laughter]

I ain't saying shit else to you.

You better be able to read quick
'cause I'm writing notes

from now on.
I ain't saying shit else."

I don't know, man,
that shit is hard, bro.

Shit,
"Wendy got a big, old this!"

[laughter]

Babies, man, they'll make you
take a break quick.

And you should.

You know, getaways are good
for couples.

You know, if you got children.

My wife said, "Let's...
Let's go to...

Let's go to Las Vegas.
Just me and you.

You always go
when there's a funeral.

- Let's...
- [laughter]

Let's just me and you go.
Have a good time."

I'm like, "Ah, fuck it.
All right, let's go.

Hell, let's go."
I got all excited.

Top notch.
Spent a lot of dough.

You know, I'm like,
"Let's do this."

Then we got there
and we gambled a little bit.

Took her to a nice dinner.
Expensive, nice.

Took her to a play.

Zumanity or something like that.

I don't know.
One of them sex plays.

Get you in the mood,
you know what I'm saying?

I said, "I-I-I planned
this out right."

When we got back to the room,
out of nowhere,

she was like,
"Okay, let's just go to sleep

and then we'll wake up tomorrow

and then we'll have sex
all day."

I was like, "What?"

[laughter]

"This a hard mattress,
Let's get some good sleep."

I said,
"That ain't the only thing hard.

Wait a minute, let's...

No, no, let's do it right now.

We came here to do it.
Let's do it...

and then... and then
let's get some sleep."

"No.
Like, okay, look...

'cause I don't wanna argue,
this is our weekend,

we leave on Sunday."
I said, "Exactly.

So why can't we do it now?
We ain't gonna be here...

It's only for
like a day and a half.

Let's do it now."

She's like,
"Why you acting like that?"

I'm like, "'Cause...
why you trying to do shit

we can do at home?
This is...

We could've flew in tomorrow
and saved us a little money.

We didn't have to come
on a Friday."

You know how you say something
and you go way too far?

But I was mad. I was like,
"This don't make no damn sense.

You really trying
to go to sleep.

Who the fuck go to sleep
on Friday?

We leave Sunday.
This Chick-fil-A pussy.

You done shut down
half the weekend. Oh, my God."

[laughter]

And it was at that point
where I realized

I fucked up so I just...
instead of apologize

I just kept it going.
Like, I was more mad.

I was like,
"I'm taking out the trash."

"It's a hotel."
"I'm taking out the trash.

I gotta go."

I did meet a cool dude.
I met somebody so cool.

Smell rich, too.
I smelled him before I met him.

I'm like, "[inhales]
Somebody smell like liquid gold

in this bitch.
Like, God damn."

I looked around my slot machine,
see this older dude

name was Roy.

I looked at him I was like,
"Hey, man, uh,

what... what cologne is that?
That... That smell real good."

He was like, "Oh,
I don't tell my secrets."

I said,
"Oh, that's fucked up, Roy."

I said, "I'm Finesse."
He's like, "Nice to meet you."

I said, "Okay, uh...

who... who you with, bro?"

I'm like,
"Who... Who you here with?"

"Oh, I'm by myself.
I'm waiting for

some of the girls
to come outta the club."

I said, "Roy, no disrespect,
uh...

how old are you?"
He said, "I'm 71."

I said, "God damn, Roy."

I said, "You look good, though,
you look like

the Dos Equis beer dude, man.
You look good."

Not the new one.
The old one.

That... You know,
that had the boat shoes

and the... and the blazer
and the...

he just looked rich.
He had the shirt halfway open,

expensive chest hair
coming out his shirt.

[laughter]

I was like, "So,
your 71-year-old ass

is gonna try to like wait
for some of the girls

to come out that club
right there?

That's like a young club, Roy,

they... they 20-something."
He said, "You only live once."

I was like,
"Hey, I can't argue that, Roy."

He said,
"You wanna be my wingman?"

I said, "[groaning]

I mean, I-I would, but...

I'm supposed to be
taking out the trash, Roy.

I can't even...

And there's cameras in here
and shit.

I can't chance it.

Hey, but I got a funeral
next month.

If you meet me here
we can fucking...

turn this bitch out."

I said, "Roy, uh,
if you don't mind, though,

uh...

can I listen to what you say
because I've always

just wanted to hear like
how older dudes

pick up young girls.
Can I...

Can I hear it?"

He was like, "Look and learn."
I was like, "Uh...

you ain't gotta say it all
disrespectful like that, Roy.

Just wanna hear you, bro."
He was like, "All right."

Sure enough he saw one.
He saw one coming out the club.

He was like,
"What about that one?"

I said, "Roy, she young."
He's like, "How can you tell?"

I said, "Look at her...
Look at her ankles."

He said, "What's wrong
with her ankles?"

I said, "You know, young girls,
they don't know they shoe game.

You know, you see how her
ankle is shaking like that?

Just..."
You know how young girls

they go to Vegas in they
early 20s,

they go buy some heels
that match they outfit.

They ain't got no
life experience to know

you don't buy heels
'cause they matched clothes,

you buy heels for comfort first,

then they gotta match.

Then they gotta be on sale.

[laughter]

And sure enough,
I bet she looked real good

at 10:30 at night,
you know, [clicking]

"Girl's night! Girl's night!"
[heels clicking]

"Party over here,
fuck you over there.

Girl's night."
You know how they do.

But now
it's 1:30 in the morning,

she like a damn baby avatar
walking now.

She was like,
"Aah... aah..."

There was a big girl.
She gave up.

She was like, "Bitch,
bring the car up to the front.

I'm not walking
all the way back there.

I told you I had
a handicapped sticker.

We could've parked up here
in the front.

I ain't walking
all the way back there."

[laughter]

She was still confident, though.
"Hey, boo, how you doing?"

[laughter]

You know,
dudes don't give a shit.

They be like, "So your friends
went to get the car?"

[laughter]

Roy said some smooth shit,
though.

He said,
"Excuse me, young lady."

She said,
"You talking to me?"

He leaned in, I leaned in.

He said, "Add up all your bills.

I mean, mortgage, your rent,

car note, insurance,

cell phone, student loans,
anything you got.

Add up all your bills
and whisper that number

in my ear.

Is that it?

Let's go talk
about that number."

You know what she said?
"Candice, keep your phone on.

I'll be back.
I just met a friend named Roy.

If I die, his name Roy!"

[laughter]

I'm sitting there like,
"Hell no!

What kind of cologne is that?

Selfish ass."

So I tried it.

[laughter]

I wasn't gonna follow through,
I was just...

I was excited.
I just wanted to see

if it work for everybody.

But I stayed in my tax bracket.

I don't have
expensive chest hair,

I just... But I saw a cute one.
I was like...

"Hey...

[laughter]

Come here.

What's your name?"

She was like, "Olivia."
"It's nice to meet you, Olivia."

She said, "What's your name?"
I said, "Daquarius."

[laughter]

"Nice to meet you, Daquarius."
I said, "Uh...

add up your cable bill
and tell it to me.

[laughter]

Huh?

What?

Nah, that's all right.

No, I'm waiting for basic cable.
That's all right.

And I'm married.
Have some respect for yourself.

- [laughter]
- I'm just taking out the trash.

Mind your business.
Go on."

[laughs]

Roy was cool as shit, though.

[chuckles]
Them young people, man.

You ever be partying,
you don't know

who you partying with?

You know what I'm saying?
You just...

just in the club.

I ain't gonna never forget.
I was in Dallas.

Promoter came up to me.

Name was Dessie.
He said, "Hey, Finesse,

you want a bottle?"
I was like, "Uh... nah.

I can't drink
a whole bottle by myself."

He said, "It's free."
I said, "Okay, well,

bring the bottle.
Let's...

Let's see what happens,
you know what I'm saying?"

He brought the bottle.

Now when they bring a bottle
they put them sparkles on it.

Them...
you know what I'm saying?

The Fourth of July thing?
They light it.

They march it through the club
all the waitresses

get in line.

Like it's your birthday
at Applebee's or some bullshit.

[laughter]

They only entice people
to make 'em see

who getting a bottle,
make them wanna buy a bottle.

Some people knew who I was.
"Oh, that's Finesse."

Some people didn't know though.
"That's Derek Fisher."

I ain't give a fuck.
I was...

[laughter]

Shit. Having a good ass time
in that bitch.

[chuckles]

Brought some girls over.
They look young,

but I-I ain't say shit.
I...

started drinking the bottle.
I ain't say shit.

My cholesterol high,
I ain't say shit.

DJ fucked it up for me.

Out of nowhere,
"If you was born in the '80s

and raised in the '90s,
make some noise!"

Whole club said,
"Ooh ooh!"

Girls with me, they just like...

[laughter]

I saw that.
I was like...

"Hey...

y'all didn't hear him?"

- [laughter]
- "Yeah, we heard him."

I said, "Well, y'all didn't
say nothing."

"'Cause he said
born in the '80s."

I was like,
"Yeah, and... right?"

"We was born in the '90s."

[laughter]

"All of you was born...?"

"Yeah, why? What's wrong?
What was you doing in the '90s?"

I said, "Voting, bitch.
I'm grown.

Put the goddamn liquor down
and get out my section.

- This..."
- [cheers and applause]

I said, "That's... [stammers]"
That's the wisdom

of me saying, "Yo, you gotta
stay in your lane."

There's so much important stuff
I gotta do now.

I can't even like
entertain people

that was born 20 years later.
I can't do it!

I gotta look out for my parents.

You gotta figure out
what they talking about

half the time.
"Hey, man.

You okay?"
I said, "Yeah."

"You sure?"
"Yeah."

"You all right?"
"Yeah!

Why you keep asking?
What's... What you hear?"

"Well, you... you live
in California, don't you?"

[laughter]

"Yeah."
"I'm watching the news...

- look like that shit on fire."
- [laughter]

I said, "Dad, that... that...
we good.

That was a long time ago.
We good."

"Oh, well, you know,
I DVR the news.

So I'm just catching up."

I said, "That ain't the way
to watch the news, Daddy,

you way behind then."
"Okay, all right, well...

Hey, I was...
'cause I was wondering...

I'm sitting, I'm like,
'Why don't Sylvester Stallone

do something about the fire?'"

[laughter]

"Who?"
"Sylvester Stallone."

"Why would Sylvester Stallone
do anything

about the fire, Dad?"
"He the governor, ain't he?"

[laughter]

"Nah, Daddy,
he not the governor.

I don't know
why you would think Sylvester...

Oh! Oh! Okay, okay, okay.
You mean Arnold Schwarzenegger.

That's what you mean
and he not even the governor

no more, Daddy, you need
to catch up on the damn news."

"I know who I'm talking about.
I'm talking about Rocky."

"No, Arnold Schwarzenegger
is the Terminator."

"Yeah, Rambo."
"Okay, put Mama on the phone.

How 'bout that?

We not gonna
do this shit all day.

Put Mama on the phone."

She ain't no better.
"Hey, baby!"

"Hey, Mama, you okay?"
"I'm good. I miss you."

"I miss you, too."
"Uh, what's your next city?"

"Well, I'm actually about
to be in Glendale.

Film a comedy special."
"Oh, do great.

Where is that?"
I said, "It's right outside

of L.A."
"Okay, well, how far is it?"

"Well, it's, uh,
45 minutes sometimes

and sometimes it's four hours.
It just depends on the,

you know, it's L.A."

"Well, what I really
called about was your uncle.

I want you to come home
and... and take a look at him.

He not doing well.
He got the Zika virus."

[laughter]

"The what?"
"The Zika virus."

"Mama, nobody got that no more.
I don't think he got

the Zika virus."
"Well, you know how

he was living, so if anybody
was gonna get it, he got it."

[laughter]

"He got the Zikavirus?"
"Yes."

"How he get it?"
"He got stung by a bee."

"Okay, put Daddy on the phone.
How 'bout that?

That ain't how you get it.
Put Daddy on the phone."

"Hey, man, you still there?"
"Mm-hmm."

"You sure?"
"Mm-hmm."

"Listen,
next time you come home,

I want you to look
at my backyard.

They done cut down half
my trees, rezoned everything,

and put a gym
up for the Mexicans.

[laughter]

You still there?"
"Mm-hmm."

[laughter]

"You heard what I said?"
"Mm-hmm.

Why you think the gym
is for the Mexicans, Dad?"

"It says 'La fitness'
on the front!

I took Spanish in
the eighth grade.

You don't think I know shit.
I know shit.

I'm bilingual.
I'm smarter than you."

"Okay, calm down.
Calm down.

You bipolar, you not bilingual.
Calm down."

Nobody got parents like that?
Like, your cell phone ring,

you see it's them.
You be like, "Oh, no.

- I can't do that shit today.
- [laughter]

They trying to steal my joy.
I'm not gonna let 'em!

Don't steal my joy!"

[laughter]

"You better stock up
on all the cereal you can

'cause I know you love cereal."

"What?"

"I said,
'I know you love cereal.'

Stock up on it."
"Why, Mom?"

"'Cause you love it."
"Why, Mama?"

"'Cause they trying to ban it."

[laughter]

"Who trying to ban cereal?"
"You not watching the news?

They don't even want it
in the country."

"Syrians, Mama.
Syrians.

[laughter]

You and Daddy
cut the TV off, hear?

Just...

go watch The Temptations
on the DVD player."

My mama always been like that.
"Mom! I did it! I did it!

I'm on Saturday Night Live!
I'm on Saturday Night Live!"

"What night that come on?"
"Put Daddy on the phone.

[laughter]
We ain't doing this shit today.

Put Daddy on the phone.
This is a good day."

But I will say
I'm happy and blessed

that they just
still in my life, man.

I-I can't even.
You know what I'm saying?

[cheers and applause]

Mm mm mm.
We are blessed.

We blessed to be out here.
We... Y'all...

I'm blessed.
Big things about to happen!

- [audience] Whoo!
- I keep a positive attitude.

I try to tell everybody who
a Finesse Mitchell fan...

I try to be so sincere.
I say, "Hey, man,

just find me wherever
you can find me

and just, you know,
connect with me

'cause I'm about to do
some big things."

And I always try to drop
little jewels,

you know what I'm saying?

All around the country
I tell 'em.

I say, "Hey, look,
I know you're blue.

I know things ain't going right,

but, you know,
it's my job try to make

you feel good, you know?

And even though stuff ain't
going right in the country,

you know, just...
don't worry about that.

Sometimes you can't change
what's going on at the top,

but you can determine
how you treat

each other
in your own community,

you know what I'm saying?
And that's what you should do."

You know what I mean?

Try to take
that message everywhere, man.

I'm just... you know?
I look at the news now...

You ever look at the news
and you just be like,

"[exhales deeply]

We gonna die."

[laughter]

It's not that I'm too politi...
I don't go one way or the other,

but you kinda know
when somebody fucking up,

you know what I mean?
It's...

Anybody make you feel like
youcould be the president?

They fucking up.
That's... That's...

That's the way I gauge it,
you know what I'm saying?

- That's...
- [cheers and applause]

I... Let me tell you something,
I miss Barack

for a whole bunch
of different reasons

that don't have nothing
really to do with politics.

I feel like the morality
of the office

have just gone down so low

that we don't even have
no real examples

where we could say, "Kids, hey,
try to be like that guy"

And... And I'm... I mean, come on,
let's think about it.

Let's think about...
Let's be honest.

Be honest with yourself.

Eight years of Barack Obama
and you don't even care

for his policies,
but not one scandal.

- Like... not one. Not one.
- [applause]

He didn't steal no money,

he didn't have no hoes.

[laughter]

To me, that's char...
that's character.

That means you must've known
you wanted to be president

when you was 18
and lived your life

a certain way all the way up
until you actually did it.

That's character.
That mean you was walking around

the campus of Harvard University
and girls are like,

"Barack, there's a keg party
tonight. You coming?"

"No, bitch,
I'ma be the president.

That's a set up.
No, thank you. Nope. Nope."

[laughter]

Michelle walking behind him.
"Beat it, bitch.

We ain't going to no
goddamn Kappa Kappa Gamma party.

We got plans."

No... No ho... No chicks.
No side chicks.

That's impressive.

Trump went in with
19 chicks accusing...

19! 19!

Even Bill Cosby was like,
"At least I put 'em to sleep

first. Daa!"
No, I'm kidding.

- I'm kidding. That's...
- [audience groans, laughing]

The white girl's like,
"[laughing, stops]"

Golly, man,
can you believe that?

Barack, that's impressive to me.

Not one g... That mean
he must've...

That mean either he the most
straight-laced man

in the history of politics
or Michelle has killed

a bunch of bitches
over the years and we don't know

where these hoes are at.

Soon as he announced
he was running for president,

women all over
the South-side of Chicago

was dropping like flies.

"I wanna get a fill on my...
[imitates gunshot]

Oh, shit."

"Let me get $20 on...
[imitates gunshot]

- Ooh..."
- [laughter]

"Excuse me, are you my...
[imitates gunshot]

Ooh, shit!"

Barack at home.
"Yup, we got Trinica,

we got Jazzy, we got Samantha.
There are four more out there.

Get to work.
Four more."

[laughter]

Barack be... I don't know
he probably be giving a speech.

'Cause we don't know,
you know, we don't really

know know,
you know what I'm saying?

I ain't like we know know.
We just know he ain't sloppy.

That's what we really know.
He ain't sloppy.

- Maybe they had a system.
- [applause]

Maybe Barack had a goddamn...

You know,
all them damn speeches he gave?

He did stutter a lot.
Let's be real.

Maybe that's when he saw
one of his hoes.

[laughter]

Maybe he'd be giving a speech
and he'd be like,

[as Barack Obama]
"America, there's one thing

we need to do as a country
and that's appeal...

to our higher self
because I always feel like

the... the... the... the... the...
the... the... the... the... the...

the... the... the... the...
the... the... the... the... the...

the way we get
to where we wanna go."

[normal voice] She probably...
The camera always facing him.

We don't know what's going on.
"Barack, it's me!

It's me!
Samantha, remember?

The Tropicana? Vegas?
[clicking] Barack!"

[laughing as Barack]

[laughter]

[thuds]
"Barack, they're taking me

behind the curtain!
[imitates gunshot]

- Oh, shit."
- [laughter]

[as Barack]
"Change..."

[laughter]

[normal voice]
We could all hope to have

that damn Barack and Michelle
love, though.

Can't we?
Like, that's some sh...

That's some shit
where you're like,

"You don't see that everyday."

They actually look like
they actually having sex

and loving each other
and just... I don't know.

A lot of presidents,
you look at them and they wife

and you be like,
"They ain't having sex."

[laughter]

Trump ain't having sex
with Melania.

Every speech she gives
she be like,

[as Melania Trump]
"[chuckles nervously]

We would like to say
that we love

all of the children
and we want to do

whatever we can to...

help me.

- [laughter]
- Help me. Help me."

[normal voice]
You be at home like,

"Somebody help that bitch."

I think the main thing
you wanna do

and... and this is...

this is the formula for love,

if you have a broken heart,
don't let your broken heart

or the bitterness last forever

'cause then you can't
step into your new happiness

because the person
ain't gonna receive you

if you're always looking mad.

If you're always
looking disgusted.

Always looking busted,
you know what I mean?

- Just...
- [applause]

The last thing He saying is

Don't date crazy.

It don't... It sound easy,
but some people,

they... they will fall for crazy.

You been alone so long
you be like, "Well...

it ain't that much
wrong with him."

[laughter]

And now you're stuck,
you know what I'm saying?

Fellas, remember when
we would date crazy?

'Cause crazy was not only sexy,
but it came with good sex.

We be bragging.
We be like, "Yeah, man,

she might be crazy as fuck,
but that head is fire, nigga.

- Ooh."
- [laughter]

That's how we talk.
[grunting]

Until she started breaking
your car windows.

Then you like, "Fuck."

Your head be like, "We gotta
do... We gotta make a change.

We gotta break up with her."
Your other head be like,

"You better lower your
deductible on your insurance

'cause we love her.
She ain't going nowhere."

If I see somebody now
and they crazy,

I don't even... you don't even
get three strikes with me.

You get only one.
If I just happen to be like,

"Hey, how you doing?
My name Finesse."

And you go, "[shrieks]."
I go, "Oh, sorry.

Nope. Nope. Nope.
I'm taking out the trash.

Leave me alone."

But women,
y'all the exact opposite.

Y'all will be
in the same situation

and... and... and... and...
and the same scenario

and act totally different.

"Okay, wait.
Wait!

Um... hi.

Uh... my friends and I
were just saying

that you are very handsome

and I said I'm gonna come over
and say hello.

So, my name is Cynthia
and your name is?"

"[screams indistinctly]"

[laughter]

"What was that?

A Boobidie Boo?

I think he African.
Hold on.

A Boobidie Boo?

How you spell that?"

Next thing you know,
your ass dating A Boobidie Boo.

And four months later
you talking in code.

Your girlfriend call.
"Hey, girl, what's up?"

"Mm-hmm."

"I said,
'Hey, girl, what's up?'"

- "Mm-hmm."
- [laughter]

"Do you know who this is?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Oh, is he there with you?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Is he in the same room
with you?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Is he looking at you?"

[laughter]

"Mm-hmm."

"You scared?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Why you give A Boobidie Boo
your number?"

"Mm mm.

I thought he had a boat."

- [laughter]
- Hey, I gotta go.

My name Finesse Mitchell.
Thank y'all very much.

Thank you, God bless you,
good night.

["Remember Me"
by Keith Jacobs playing]

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
I'm in my fresh clothes ♪

♪ Mutha the club ain't thinking
bout no dress code ♪

♪ Oh, and it's all about
finesse, though ♪

♪ I'm Keith J just in case
I haven't let you know ♪

["Remember Me"
by Keith Jacobs starts over]

♪ Got amnesia on the brain ♪

♪ Drunk and high
ain't the same ♪

♪ I'm like Jordan to the game ♪

♪ I swear they gone
remember me, remember me ♪

♪ Runnin' through MIA and
I ain't got a jog of memory ♪

- ♪ Young feel like two-three ♪
- ♪ Two-three ♪