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1
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:17,280
You need to think very carefully
about where you take your kids.
2
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:20,200
The soft play in town, for example,
is absolutely disgusting.
3
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:21,920
How disgusting?
4
00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:25,240
I once found a very small,
very dead octopus in the ball pit.
5
00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,560
Jesus! Whereas this place...
6
00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:29,680
..full of rich wankers
and their rich wanker kids.
7
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,960
Hah! Limp twat doesn't stand
a chance against my two.
8
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:37,040
Hey. You can't talk about
someone else's child like that.
9
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,920
Even if they are dressed like
a member of the Hitler Youth.
10
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:43,000
Excuse me. Your children
are throwing things at Berty.
11
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,000
Aww, poor Berty.
12
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,880
No, Berty's my son.
13
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,320
Oh.
14
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:51,200
And now they've tricked him
into eating Play-Doh!
15
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:52,520
That is a criminal offence.
16
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,040
Oh... I don't think it is, actually.
17
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,720
So sod off back to Waitrose, yeah?
Everything OK?
18
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,480
Ben?
19
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,920
Shit.
20
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:10,520
You know her, Ben?
21
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,520
Yep. Er, we know each other
through work.
22
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:17,320
Yes! Gemma was involved in
the takeover.
23
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:20,840
I don't recall you being mentioned.
What was your role?
24
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,920
I was the getaway driver.
25
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:27,040
Er, Gemma was partnered
with Sebastian Ford.
26
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,320
Oh. You worked with Seb?
27
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:32,720
Well, that must have been
so difficult for you.
28
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,080
Oof. Well, let me tell you...
29
00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:35,640
Gemma, it has been so great
to see you again.
30
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,520
Mummy!
Oh, excuse me, please.
31
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,360
Darling, what's happened?
32
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,600
Yeah, it's great to see you too,
Ben.
33
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,000
It's been what, eight months?
34
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,320
Holy shit!
35
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,160
We should exchange contact details.
36
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,040
No, we really don't have to.
37
00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:01,120
For God's sake, Ben.
He's covered in juice, again!
38
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,000
Well, it's your turn
to clean him up.
39
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,000
Cocksucker.
40
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,360
Come on...
41
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,640
Er, can we just...?
42
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:10,760
One sec. OK.
43
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,480
Fucking put that down!
It's not your dog! Er, so...
44
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,760
..is it mine? Yes.
Congratulations.
45
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,360
I finished in the sink!
46
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,360
Look, please, please just don't say
anything to Allegra, just for now.
47
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:27,600
Like, do you want money?
48
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,800
I can PayPal you money right now.
Piss off!
49
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,560
Sorry! I just...
50
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,200
It's a lot.
51
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,520
Mm.
52
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,520
Can I have your number?
53
00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:37,840
Fine.
54
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,720
Mummy wants us to pop by.
If you think you can get
55
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,600
the Defender up her driveway
without hitting anything this time.
56
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:48,400
Well, good luck with the baby
57
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,800
and, erm, give our regards to Seb!
Will do.
58
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,400
Come on, Berty, this way.
Can you open the door, please?
59
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,520
Is kissing him
like getting off with a giraffe?
60
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,600
That's the first question
you want to ask me?
61
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,680
So what are you going to do?
62
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,000
Nothing!
63
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,520
Ugh! God, he's a liar and a cheat,
64
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,080
and judging by the size of
that baby he was holding,
65
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,080
Allegra was very pregnant
when we...met.
66
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:14,280
Where did you meet him?
67
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:15,360
In a toilet.
68
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,600
Oh, romantic.
69
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,840
I mean, there's no way
I'll hear from him again.
70
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,320
It's Ben.
He says he wants to talk.
71
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,040
Malcolm, what the fuck is this?
72
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:30,880
I got those from the charity shop.
73
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:34,160
They're DVDs I used to watch with
the girls when they were little.
74
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:35,720
Ballykissangel? Boring.
75
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,560
Grey's Anatomy? Boring.
76
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,200
Lovejoy? Fantastic!
77
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:40,680
The Shining?
78
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,440
Yeah. It's about a little boy,
isn't it?
79
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,520
Yeah, whose dad tries to murder him
with an axe.
80
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,000
Malcolm, you watched this
with your kids? Yeah.
81
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,640
Wednesday night was film night.
82
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,080
Why don't you just dig out
your actual DVDs?
83
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,040
Davina gave them away
to the cat shelter
84
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,160
when she got rid of the house.
85
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,080
You know, not for the cats
to watch, obviously.
86
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,160
Because they just watch snooker,
don't they?
87
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,560
Wait. Your ex-wife gave away
all your stuff?
88
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,040
Well, she left some of the girls'
stuff up in the loft.
89
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:07,440
You know, baby photos and toys,
and stuff like that.
90
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,960
I was supposed to go round
and collect them but I just, er...
91
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,280
I couldn't.
Dad, this box was outside the flat.
92
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,160
Which I guess means you haven't
asked Baris to fix the intercom yet.
93
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:20,240
Look! Got these DVDs for the baby!
94
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,720
No. My baby's not watching
The Shining.
95
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,920
That's why Catherine's so messed up.
96
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,640
Ooh, speak of the devil.
97
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,120
I know you find aggressive women
terrifying,
98
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,880
but you need to go and visit her.
Not this again.
99
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,160
Look, I don't like going either,
but at least take her
100
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,960
a Christmas present.
A big Toblerone or something?
101
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,680
Look, I got this for you.
Well, for the little one.
102
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,960
Will you stop buying random crap and
just do the stuff I ask you to do?
103
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,640
Er, now, Gemma, I do think you're
being a bit tough on Malcolm here.
104
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:53,000
I'm just saying, you know, I know
how hard it is being pregnant.
105
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,680
Oh, you do, do you? Uh-huh.
106
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,320
Is your bladder
the side of a peanut?
107
00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,400
Does your pelvis feel like
it's going to snap in half?
108
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,440
Are your tits so swollen
109
00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,400
it's like two kettlebells
are strapped to your chest?
110
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,240
No. But I do remember
what a massive bitch my wife was.
111
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,120
Look at this!
I got all this for a fiver off eBay.
112
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,040
Look!
113
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,040
Yeah, just once round
in the washing machine
114
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:15,400
and give 'em a bit of a scrub
and they'll be fine. Oh, Dad...
115
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,280
Just pop 'em in here.
116
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,560
Ugh!
117
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,680
Thank you for agreeing to meet me.
118
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,840
I'm not going to tell her,
by the way.
119
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,800
That's very decent of you.
120
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,720
I'm not trying to be decent.
121
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,760
I just don't need the drama of
blowing up someone else's life.
122
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,240
So Allegra is your girlfriend?
123
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,480
Wife.
124
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,120
No ring?
125
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,320
Well, my grandfather was degloved
aboard The Prince of Wales.
126
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:47,640
Degloved?
127
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:50,160
Degloved is when
the ring is caught and..
128
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,280
and the skin is sort of
pulled off the flesh.
129
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,440
Gristle and bone. Mm-hm. Well, none
of the men in my family wear one.
130
00:05:56,440 --> 00:06:01,560
It's kind of like a fun family
tradition slash horrible obsession.
131
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,160
Wow!
I was going to ask if there were
132
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,360
any hereditary illnesses
I needed to know about,
133
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,200
but I didn't expect to hear
about fingers being torn off.
134
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,080
It's not the whole fingers.
Just the skin. Oh, course.
135
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,160
So I thought you might like
to see these.
136
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,960
Just to give you some sort of
indication of what you're carrying.
137
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,160
That is such a weird way
of putting it, thank you.
138
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,520
God, Berty looks nothing like you.
139
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,360
He... He's all Allegra.
140
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,040
She has very strong genes.
141
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,160
Whoa. Big house.
142
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,240
Yeah. Or too big. I mean, I once
nearly starved to death
143
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,040
playing a game of hide and seek.
144
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,880
Took days to find me.
145
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,600
Taxi!
146
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,640
Oh... Thank you.
147
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,920
Well, that was the best £45
bowl of pasta I've ever had.
148
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,840
Oh, it's the least I could do.
149
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:53,280
Yeah, considering
the next 18 years are on me.
150
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:57,280
Well, maybe I can send you
some items to help? Er...
151
00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,800
Clothes? Pram? A nanny?
152
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,400
It's a joke.
153
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,680
It's technically people trafficking,
so...
154
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,960
Give me your phone. Sure.
155
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,320
Sorry.
156
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,840
My address.
157
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,000
Inanimate objects only. OK.
158
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,720
I'll let you know when the baby
arrives. Yeah, that'd be...great.
159
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,760
Thank you. Thanks.
You can keep the coat.
160
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:24,440
Oh! No, that was a joke.
161
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,240
It's quite cold. Yeah.
162
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:31,160
Thank you. Thank you. See you.
See you.
163
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,240
Oh, how was the film?
164
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,760
Yeah, better than I was expecting.
Good.
165
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,240
Dad, have you got any baby photos
of me and Catherine?
166
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,600
Oh...no. I didn't take much with me,
you know,
167
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,800
after I found your mum humping that
guy who sold sponges door-to-door.
168
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,240
OK. Hey, but I...
I know where they are, though.
169
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,760
They're up in the loft
of the old house.
170
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,000
I could pop round and get them.
171
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,160
I'm sure the people
who've moved in won't mind.
172
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,240
That's OK...
173
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,200
What? Kenny Tugger?
Malcolm Moscrip.
174
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:19,840
You bought this house from me.
175
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,080
Well, not from me, no,
from Davina, from my wife.
176
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,720
I mean, you would have dealt
with my wife, you see. Mum!
177
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,280
Wait a minute!
178
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:29,760
Oh. This one said
he used to own the house. Yeah.
179
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:34,080
Er, I don't think my wife cleared
out the loft before you moved in.
180
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,520
We fucking know she didn't.
181
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,680
People who sell houses and leave
loads of shit in the loft are scum.
182
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,920
You...are scum.
183
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,520
Yeah. I couldn't go up
and get some boxes, could I?
184
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,040
No! Piss off!
185
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:50,000
And get your fucking mail
redirected.
186
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:02,760
Oh, Jesus!
187
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,760
Hey, what are you doing?
188
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,480
Oh, come on. No, no.
They just...
189
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,560
They just need a bit of
elbow grease, don't they?
190
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:10,960
They'll be as good as new.
191
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,600
Dad, have you arranged a date
to visit Catherine yet?
192
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,240
It's not going to be as scary
as you think it is.
193
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:19,040
I'm not scared of seeing
my own daughter, Gemma. OK.
194
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:23,840
Hello?
195
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,480
Dad!
196
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,760
Oh, yeah. It's on...
It's on my list, sorry.
197
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:32,040
Fuckin' 'ell...
198
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,520
I can't stop thinking about you.
199
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,920
Did your wife forget to
pack your umbrella?
200
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,280
Dad?
201
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,440
Hey, hey. Ta-da!
202
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,760
Obviously we'll sew it
before we put the sprog in it.
203
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,360
The staples are just
for demonstration.
204
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:13,960
Good, eh? Yeah.
205
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:18,600
Er, Ben... Hi.
..this is my dad, Malcolm.
206
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,320
Dad, this is Ben. Yeah.
207
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,920
He's the baby's father.
208
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,640
Yes.
209
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,280
Er, it's a...
210
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,880
It's a pleasure to meet you,
Malcolm. Yeah.
211
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:33,360
Would you like some kitchen roll
for your hair?
212
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,360
Er...yeah.
213
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:37,720
Yes, thank you.
214
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,440
Well...
215
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:43,040
Please, just try and be
a bit less weird. What do you mean?
216
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:45,120
Kitchen roll for his hair?
217
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,000
Well, he was wet,
and this is super absorbent.
218
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,720
I can go if it's a bad time?
219
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,400
No. No. OK, good.
220
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,320
Cos I'm... I'm quite cold.
221
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,440
It's nice to finally meet
222
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,520
one of your boyfriends, eh, Gemma?
He's not my boyfriend.
223
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,880
I don't suppose you've got a spare
jumper I could borrow, do you?
224
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,320
Er, yeah, Dad'll have one. Yes.
225
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,320
Yes, I'll endeavour to find one.
Great.
226
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:06,520
Endeavour?!
227
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,440
That's good for him.
228
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,320
Want these? Oh, yeah.
Thanks. Cheers.
229
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,920
Er, the nursery looks...
230
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,520
Looks lovely. Mm.
231
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,360
Yeah, my dad decorated it.
232
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:28,080
He lives with me, by the way.
Right.
233
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,760
You probably gathered. Yes.
234
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,000
Looks great. Thank you.
235
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:37,600
Yeah, my mum left
and neither of us can afford...
236
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,840
Here we go. Ooh! No, keep going.
I'll just pop these on the bed.
237
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,120
Thank you.
238
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,680
Good? Yeah.
239
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,960
I made them myself. Yesterday.
240
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,680
I mean, they've been in the fridge
but, erm,
241
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:05,000
I find that's more to my taste.
Lovely.
242
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,280
Thanks, Dad.
243
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:07,640
Right, yeah.
244
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,080
You should probably go.
I should...
245
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,760
..but I really don't want to.
246
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:22,040
Plus, fridge spuds
are my favourite food.
247
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,200
Yeah. I mean,
you can really taste the...
248
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,720
The fridge.
249
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:32,400
He sounds like a dick.
250
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,480
Eating your weird snack potatoes
without comment.
251
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,600
No, he was ever so nice, actually.
Oh, shut up about Ben!
252
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,080
We need to work out
how to get into your old loft. OK?
253
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,640
Two words.
254
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,000
Home. Invasion.
255
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,160
We smash in the front door
of your old place,
256
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:55,520
we tie up Agnes and Kenny
and we take...
257
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,320
We take what's rightfully yours.
258
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:03,880
Seems a bit extreme.
259
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,800
I thought you'd pussy out
of that one, Malc.
260
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,240
All right, backup plan.
Have you still got your door key?
261
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,600
Yeah. I couldn't bear
to give it back, so..
262
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,160
Oh, is that them?
263
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,120
Yeah. The ones who bought your gaff.
264
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,280
We let ourselves in
while they're out,
265
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,320
we grab the stuff from the loft
without the Tuggers even noticing.
266
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:23,600
Oh, yeah.
267
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,680
Hey, but there's quite a bit
of stuff,
268
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,720
so we're going to need
an extra pair of hands.
269
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,840
If you say that fucking toilet, Ben,
I'm out.
270
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,120
So, er, before we go to the pub,
271
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,640
I thought you might like to see
the house Gemma grew up in?
272
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,720
Yeah. I want to know everything
about her.
273
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,080
You heard him, Malcolm.
274
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,560
He's well up for helping
with these boxes.
275
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,320
Er...what boxes?
No, look, come on.
276
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,000
I mean, yeah, he has some baggage,
277
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,440
but with Ben it's more like
a shipping container
278
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,800
that's got a wife, five kids
and a Chihuahua in it.
279
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,040
Sorry...five kids?!
280
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,360
Yeah. The older three
are at boarding school.
281
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,800
Do you think he's got a thing
for pregnant women?
282
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,160
I'm not going to go into details,
283
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,680
but he's certainly not
put off by it.
284
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,520
Lovely, really. Sh! In you go.
285
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:16,920
Sorry... In here.
286
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,960
Why have you got torches?
I mean, should I have a torch?
287
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,840
Hey! You don't get a torch!
288
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:26,560
Aww, that's where Gemma had
her first little Wendy house.
289
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:30,320
Oh, look! Oh, God, and that's where
she lost her first tooth.
290
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,800
Oh, that's a shame - they've
taken down the stone cladding.
291
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,520
It took me ages to put that up.
Tasteless arseholes.
292
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,920
Now fuck Kenny Tugger
and his whore mother Agnes.
293
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:45,280
Er...do other people live here now?
The Tuggers. The Tuggers.
294
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,400
Do they know you're in their house?
Of course not. Duh.
295
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,360
Otherwise they'd call the police,
wouldn't they?
296
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,760
Whoa. Not so fast, matey.
You're an accessory now.
297
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,600
Oh, my God! I'm part of a burglary!
298
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,800
No, it'll be fine as long as
we don't move or break anything.
299
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,200
What did he fucking just say,
300
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,520
you giant bellend?
I'm sorry!
301
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,920
Oh, shit!
302
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,560
Wha...wha...what should I do?
303
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,720
I mean, do WE pull it out
or leave it in?
304
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,320
Bit late for that conversation,
eh, Malcolm? Shut up!
305
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,640
I hope your DNA's
not on a register somewhere.
306
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,480
OK, look, brace yourself, all right?
307
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,320
After three. One, two...
308
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:21,880
OK. OK. Oh, my God!
309
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,440
Argh! You're bleeding.
You're bleeding. Just hold it up.
310
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,760
No, you're bleeding. It's dripping!
Hold it up. Don't bleed everywhere.
311
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,880
Hold it. Let's be quick. Quick now.
312
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:33,080
Quick. Come on. Come on.
Up the stairs.
313
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,800
Go get those boxes. Come on.
Up, up, up, up, up!
314
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,040
Sorry, you can't have
a relationship with him.
315
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:41,960
He's got a family!
316
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,880
And a really shit dog.
317
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,760
It's actually a very cute dog.
318
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:50,200
And that's his choice to make,
not mine, and certainly not yours.
319
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,480
What is he, like,
ten years older than you?
320
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,640
I just think it's a bit sordid,
that's all.
321
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:55,800
12.
322
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,960
And it's the best offer
I've had so far. Oh, cool.
323
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,880
So you're happy to tear
a family apart, are you?
324
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,240
God, I'm trying to build a family.
325
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,320
With the father of my child.
326
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,720
I, er...
327
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,160
I just didn't think
that's who you were, that's all.
328
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:15,680
Get the fuck out.
329
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,280
Seriously, fuck off.
330
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:22,680
Fine.
331
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,640
Wow.
332
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,640
What the hell was all that about?
333
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,480
Oh, come on, babe, you must know.
334
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,480
Fuck off!
335
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,080
Oh, hey! Look at this! Ow!
336
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,920
It's just how I left it.
337
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,680
Oh, my "man corner." Oh...
338
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,640
Oh, God. Ben, come here.
339
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,880
Let me give you a little bit
of advice. Yeah?
340
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,440
There's going to be times
when it all gets a bit too much.
341
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,000
Especially if you and Gemma
go on and have more sprogs.
342
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,320
More? I don't think...
343
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,520
Being a dad, it's amazing,
344
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,080
but also fucking awful.
345
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:08,320
Sometimes the misery just
gets into your bones, you know?
346
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,440
And when that happens,
you're going to need a little corner
347
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,960
where you can take yourself off
and just block it all out, you know?
348
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,560
Right. A little space in the loft,
349
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:21,280
with a dog bed,
and just lie down and...
350
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:23,960
..hide.
351
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,000
Yeah, you're better off
getting yourself
352
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,200
a little man bucket
for your man mess.
353
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,160
Don't worry. I've emptied that
before I moved out. What? Oh...
354
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,440
I think.
355
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:33,880
Yeah.
356
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,040
Oh, look, there he is.
357
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,520
Ha-ha! I put Mr T up there.
358
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,320
To give me some inspiration.
359
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,920
Fun fact about Mr T,
I thought he died of bowel cancer.
360
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,400
How is that a fun fact?
361
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,960
Do you want me to throw you
through the fucking loft hatch?!
362
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,360
No, I...
363
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:53,600
Shite!
364
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,520
Pull that up!
Quick, get that up! Fuck!
365
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,160
Help him get that up.
366
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,520
Oh, shit!
367
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,200
Shit! OK. If they do come up,
368
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,880
I've just found this extra-strong
piece of garden twine.
369
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,560
Dad?
370
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,720
Oh, hi, Gemma.
Why are you whispering?
371
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,160
We're stuck in the loft
of the old house.
372
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,600
Me, Derek and Ben.
373
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,480
What? I tell you to not be weird
and that's where you end up?
374
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,720
Fuck's sake! I was trying to get
some old photographs,
375
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:29,360
but the Tuggers, they wouldn't
let me in. The Tuggers?
376
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,040
The massive A-holes
who bought the house. Sh!
377
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,600
But, look, they've come home early
and we're trapped.
378
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,240
Wait. Wait. Slow down.
379
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,480
So you, Derek and Ben
are in the old loft
380
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,760
and the new owners don't know
you're up there? No.
381
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,120
Well, I don't think so, but...
382
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:45,200
..Ben did bleed a lot
in the front room, so who knows?
383
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,800
What?! Is he OK?! Yeah, yeah.
He's a big lad, isn't he?
384
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,800
So he probably had more blood
than most of us in the first place,
385
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,960
so he can afford to lose
a drop or two.
386
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,240
Look, do you think we're in trouble?
387
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,120
For breaking into someone's house,
388
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,920
bleeding all over their carpets
and stealing things from their loft?
389
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,680
Yeah. That's on the criminal side
of things.
390
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,280
Erm, OK.
391
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,200
Wait there. Do not make a sound.
I'm coming over.
392
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,440
Oh, thanks, Gemma. Thanks.
393
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,600
She's coming round.
She's coming round.
394
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,160
Oh, Mr T...
395
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,920
Are you sure this is going to work?
I hope so.
396
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:24,680
I can't deal with Dad and Ben
being in prison too.
397
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,480
Make some labour noises, then!
398
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:32,120
Yeah, that's it.
399
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,440
Oh, my God, my friend's
gone into labour!
400
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,720
Why's she on my drive?
That's trespassing.
401
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,240
Cos she's having a baby!
Not on my drive, she isn't.
402
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,400
I don't want any of that...
That muck on my drive.
403
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,240
It'll attract the foxes. Hey, hey,
hey, hey! What's going on here?
404
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,400
Silly bint's having a baby
on our drive.
405
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,480
I said to her,
it'll bring the foxes out.
406
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,480
Kenny Tugger, you little rotter!
407
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,200
Come on, lovey.
Let me get you inside.
408
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,480
No, no. I've always wanted
a gravel birth.
409
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,280
So maybe you guys
could stay outside instead?
410
00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,600
Want me to get the stretcher,
Mum?
411
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,520
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Go on.
412
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,600
No, no. I can walk, thank you.
413
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:04,880
Up you get.
414
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,200
Ooooh.
415
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,560
Argh.
416
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,400
Thank you. Oh, God...
417
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,440
Oh, dear.
418
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:11,480
Oh...
419
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,040
I'm having a panic
attack.
420
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,920
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
421
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:20,080
Hey, you know what's supposed to be
good for a panic attack?
422
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,040
Breathing into a bag. OK.
423
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,640
Oh, God!
424
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,800
Hey! What are you doing?
425
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,480
Behave yourself!
You're such a fucking psycho!
426
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,560
What the fuck has happened here?
427
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:41,160
Stop it! We should just leave him
here to die. Let him bleed out.
428
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,960
What is your fucking problem?!
429
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,000
Derek! You're the fucking problem.
430
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,720
You're not good enough for her!
431
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,640
Do you take PayPal, Kenny?
432
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,440
£6,000!
433
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,560
Mm. Yeah, and three stitches.
434
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,800
Honestly not the worst night out
I've ever had.
435
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,840
Plus I got to know Malcolm better.
436
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:13,400
Er...he is odd.
437
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,400
Er, but lovely.
438
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,280
Yeah, he is.
439
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,040
I mean, I'd rather not be
living with him. No.
440
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,520
He has been pretty great since...
441
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,200
Well... So, I made some calls...
442
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:33,160
..and there is a flat ready for you
next month, if you want it.
443
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,480
You can be settled by the time
the baby's born.
444
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:40,320
A flat? Yeah.
445
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,680
Well, I wanted it to be,
like, a surprise. Erm...
446
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,360
You don't have to pay a penny.
447
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,280
It's yours for as long
as you want it. Forever.
448
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:52,920
Where will you live?
449
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,760
I'd come there every other weekend.
450
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,680
Is that a bad thing? Gemma, look...
451
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,200
..Allegra takes the kids
to Switzerland
452
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,840
for six weeks in the summer,
so I'll be around loads then.
453
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:13,400
You'll be sick of the sight of me.
454
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,600
We can make it work!
455
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,520
With me as your bit on the side?
456
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,680
Oh, my God. I can't believe
I've been so fucking stupid.
457
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,880
No, no, no, no.
What's stupid, Gemma,
458
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,760
is you staying in this poky flat,
with your Frankenstein baby clothes,
459
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,200
an intercom that doesn't work
and your dad.
460
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:33,520
Oh! So you think this - my life -
isn't good enough for your baby.
461
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,920
Well...
462
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,960
..no.
463
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,640
Look. You don't have to
do this alone, OK?
464
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:45,480
I'm not alone.
465
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,360
Gemma, I'm offering you a way out.
466
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:49,800
Right?
467
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,360
Don't be a stupid bitch about it.
468
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,160
Hey, you! Fucking hell!
469
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,240
Don't talk to my daughter like that.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Malcolm.
470
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,920
I was a bit angry. No, I'd like you
to leave now, thanks, Ben.
471
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,160
Just leave, please. Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just...
472
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,640
What is wrong with you people?
473
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,400
Can you go, or I'll call Derek.
On your way.
474
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,280
Gemma, I care about you.
475
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,720
Go on. Come on. Out you go.
I'm going.
476
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,960
Yeah. Grab your coat,
sling your hook. Go on.
477
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,440
My wife is horrible!
Go on. On your way.
478
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,160
Gem?
479
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,640
Gem, are you all right?
480
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,360
It's all right. He's gone.
He's gone.
481
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:29,120
He's gone now.
482
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,280
You, erm...
483
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:34,640
You go and sit down, eh?
484
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,400
Go on. I'll make us a cup of tea.
485
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:39,520
Hey...
486
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:45,960
I knew he was married with kids
487
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,480
and I still pretended
it was going to work out.
488
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,760
It's probably for the best,
isn't it, eh? I mean, you know,
489
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,560
he would have wanted to call
the baby...
490
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:56,680
..Humphrey or something.
491
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,360
Oh, hey - hey, we haven't
looked at these yet, have we?
492
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:04,480
Look, some photies. Hey.
493
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,160
Oh, and look what I found, hey?
494
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:07,720
Your favourite.
495
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:12,480
Dolly Wiggins. Dolly, Dolly, Dolly.
496
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,200
Dolly belonged to Cat, Dad.
497
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,360
Did she?
498
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:18,800
Oh, right.
499
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,200
Yeah.
500
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,200
Come on. Come on.
501
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,760
Come on, Malcolm. Be strong.
502
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:39,240
I'm so sorry, Catherine.
503
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,520
I failed you as a father.
504
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,680
Oh, my God, Dad, you're being
so embarrassing.
505
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,960
Can you forgive me?
Yes, if you just shut up.
506
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:50,560
Well, I'm sorry.
507
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,200
I got you something.
508
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:57,720
Guess who I found?
509
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,000
Dolly Wiggins.
510
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,400
That's amazing.
511
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,480
Thanks, Dad.
512
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,000
It's all right, my darling.
513
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,440
There's nothing in here.
514
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,120
Why the fuck
would you bring this in
515
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,920
if there's no drugs in its head?
516
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,000
Oh!
38737
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