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1
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:15,920
Hiya. Hey.
2
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,200
Oh, we're not a couple, by the way.
3
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:21,280
I am single and open to offers.
4
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,600
Maybe here's not the best place to
be soliciting for male attention.
5
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,680
Hello! Hello, hello, hello.
6
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:33,240
My name's Twinky and I'll be leading
the classes for mummies-to-be
7
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:34,880
and, er...and very good pals.
8
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,360
So, firstly, can I ask you all,
9
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,640
what is this?
10
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,160
The most beautiful thing
in the world.
11
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:53,680
So, yeah, if you'd like to
download my hypno birthing album,
12
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:57,720
it's, er, 17 tracks of me
whispering affirmations.
13
00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:00,760
It's only £15.99 on iTunes.
14
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,360
It's good.
15
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:04,680
Naughty Twinky! I'm not
supposed to tell you that.
16
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:06,000
So don't inform the bosses.
17
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,840
Did we have any questions?
18
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,480
Yeah, I just wanted to
ask about pain relief.
19
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:12,680
Why?
20
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,920
Because giving birth
is really painful.
21
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,280
Which naughty scamps told you that?
22
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,080
Dorothy Downer been telling
a few fibs, has she?
23
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,800
Sorry, are you trying to tell us
that giving birth isn't painful?
24
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:28,400
Because that isn't what
any of the baby books say.
25
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,720
Don't like books.
26
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,880
Actually, the most beautiful,
natural feeling in the world
27
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,880
is the exquisite pain of childbirth.
28
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,640
So, let's not listen to any
pessimistic little girlies.
29
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,000
That one's for you!
30
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,600
What if I tear?
31
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:47,440
Well, that's what Mummy Nature
has demanded of your body,
32
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,000
and your body has answered her call.
33
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,640
Next.
34
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,040
What if I die?
35
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,480
Some people think that
dying in childbirth
36
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,800
is actually better than
medical intervention.
37
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,920
Although that's not something
I can publicly endorse.
38
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:03,960
Again.
39
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,280
Oh, yeah. What now?
40
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,920
Twinky,
how many babies have you had?
41
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,840
Yeah, erm...
42
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,760
I am mummy to three...
43
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,640
..very feisty French bulldogs.
44
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,440
They didn't travel
down your cervix though?
45
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,360
Oh, mate, she knows
nothing about having a baby.
46
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:28,160
Those doggies suckled on my teats
for two months, actually.
47
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,840
So, take your bad attitude,
you're barred. Get out.
48
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,760
I only wanted to know
about pain relief.
49
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:42,240
Did Mum have any drugs?
50
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:43,600
Oh, I can't remember.
51
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,240
She was definitely angry.
But then your mum was always angry.
52
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:50,000
Giving birth or being annoyed at me
putting up some wonky wallpaper,
53
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,160
it all just blends
into one long shout.
54
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,680
Dad, why are you measuring my walls?
55
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,880
Oh! It's a surprise.
56
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:59,400
I'm not sure I want a surprise
that involves a drill.
57
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,680
Oh, all right, I was just, erm...
58
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,400
I was just trying to
be useful, you know.
59
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,840
No, I know. Sorry.
60
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,760
I just get worried about
61
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,800
how a baby's going to
fit in to all of this.
62
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:15,840
Hey.
63
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,720
They're only little.
64
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:25,200
You know, in Finland, they
give you a box to put them in
65
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,640
for the first couple of months.
66
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,080
Derek was telling me about it.
67
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,440
Hey?
68
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,920
Now, we can fit a box
in here, can't we?
69
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,360
Oh, bollocks!
70
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,320
So, your solicitor called me.
71
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:48,880
You're not pleading guilty, then?
72
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,680
Course I'm not.
73
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,240
You are guilty.
74
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,040
I have a very strong case.
75
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,320
What case?
76
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,000
Sex game gone wrong.
77
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,160
You paid someone to push
your fiance down the stairs.
78
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,440
I did...
79
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,920
..but it was part of
a sex game gone wrong.
80
00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,120
How is that a sex game gone wrong?
81
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,600
Oh, I don't want to have
to spell it out for you, Gemma.
82
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,680
Well, you're going to have
to spell it out to a jury.
83
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,480
I knew you would kink-shame me.
84
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:18,840
You are so vanilla, Gemma.
85
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,000
No, it's not vanilla
to not pay for someone
86
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,560
to be pushed off a fire escape
as part of a sex game.
87
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,360
Yeah. Vanilla!
88
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,400
You and Dad will still be there,
though, right? At the trial?
89
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,240
It's two weeks after my due date.
90
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:32,520
Gemma!
91
00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,560
I'm going to try, I promise.
92
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,000
But I'm not sure
I can even bring a two-week-old.
93
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,920
Isn't it contempt
of court or something?
94
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:42,040
Can't Auntie Jess look
after it or summat? Nope.
95
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,560
Her and Dad haven't
spoken for years.
96
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,120
What about the father?
97
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,680
You remember
I went on holiday to Portugal?
98
00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,680
It happened on the flight back.
That's where I got pregnant.
99
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,400
On the plane? Mm-hm.
100
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,640
In the toilet.
With a total stranger.
101
00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,800
Not so vanilla now, eh?
102
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,440
Oh, super vanilla.
103
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,080
You come back to me when
you've done it in the cargo hold
104
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,840
next to a crate containing
two drugged-up German Shepherds.
105
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,360
All right?
106
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,480
That didn't happen.
107
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:12,840
It did.
108
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,200
Yeah, I think the whole
Becoming Mummies business model
109
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,120
is based on none
of us having a clue.
110
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,640
Which is why I called Jess earlier.
111
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:25,360
Jess?
112
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:26,480
Your sister.
113
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,960
Who else would I be talking about?
114
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,760
I don't know. Erm...
Jessica Fletcher?
115
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,600
Dead, fictional Jessica Fletcher?
116
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:34,760
No, not her.
117
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,080
Auntie Jess. Her and Tyrone
118
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,400
have invited us over
for dinner this weekend.
119
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,480
I'd, erm... I'd rather not, thanks.
120
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,000
Come on.
121
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,560
See the new house.
She says they've just got a hot tub.
122
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:47,760
Yeah? Well, I'm not...not
a hot tubby type of person, am I?
123
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,000
Please, Dad.
124
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,320
Be really helpful for me
to talk to Jess about all this.
125
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,760
She's been through it, you know,
having a baby on her own.
126
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,760
Well, I'm sorry, I'm double-booked.
127
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,720
You're not even single-booked.
128
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,520
Tyrone's not that bad.
129
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,200
Well, not to you, but
he hates me, doesn't he?
130
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,640
I think it's cos he used
to suck cocks for crack.
131
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,400
Why would that be the reason
he hates you?
132
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,400
I don't know. You know,
maybe I remind him of a punter
133
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,040
who ran off without paying.
134
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,760
Dad, you can't not see your sister
because her boyfriend bullies you.
135
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,640
I know he bangs on a lot
about the cocks and the crack,
136
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,880
but he has a skip hire business now.
137
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,560
You know, maybe he's mellowed.
138
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,160
You can't avoid him forever.
139
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,520
Well, I've avoided him
for three years.
140
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,000
Just need to carry on
for a bit longer
141
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,200
until one of us dies, don't I?
142
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,360
I don't want that now.
143
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:33,720
Hold your breath, Gemma.
144
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:35,520
I'm just fixing Winnie's do.
145
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,000
The advice isn't to
hold your breath around chemicals,
146
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,480
it's to avoid them altogether.
147
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,280
What's that, Rita, love?
148
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:45,280
Oh, apparently hairspray makes
boy baby bits go all small.
149
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,520
It's PC gone mad.
150
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:49,320
Hairspray can cause genital
growth defects in baby boys.
151
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,560
I'm not making it up.
152
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,040
Big Pharma told her.
153
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,800
Is it a boy then, Gemma?
154
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,800
I don't know.
I want it to be a surprise.
155
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,640
Oh, like a Kinder egg? Yeah.
156
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:01,440
I mean, if I give birth
to a small plastic camel
157
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,920
that comes in three parts,
that would be surprising.
158
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,720
Do you want kids, Rita?
159
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,120
Me? No.
160
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,480
Love my fanny too much.
I mean, I'm still as tight as
161
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,280
the lid on a jar of
out-of-date Marmite down there.
162
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:16,120
You can pass that information on to
your father, when you see him later.
163
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,840
I can't think of any information
I'd want to pass on less.
164
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:23,320
A little boy with normal-sized bits.
165
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,200
Do you find it weird to think that
166
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,080
maybe you've got a little winky
growing inside of you, Gemma?
167
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,320
I do now. Thanks.
168
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,680
Hiya. Lunch?
169
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,320
Thank God you're here!
170
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,080
Ladies.
171
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,000
He's lovely.
172
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,000
Brings her lunch every week
and they're not even doing it.
173
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,440
I heard that.
174
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:47,920
Oop! Ahem...
175
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,000
I don't know why I thought
they'd offer up wisdom.
176
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,360
Rita spent most of yesterday
177
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,920
talking about Ronnie O'Sullivan
and puppy farming.
178
00:07:56,920 --> 00:08:00,880
Well, er, talking about
strange combinations...
179
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,080
..tuna and lemon curd
sandwich as requested.
180
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,160
Oh...
181
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:11,280
You were joking about craving tuna
and lemon curd, weren't you?
182
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,720
I'm so sorry! I didn't think
you'd actually make it.
183
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,320
I didn't, don't worry.
184
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:20,120
I got this from the, er...
the Boots meal deal.
185
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,160
Do you want the cheese instead?
186
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,680
Thank you.
187
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,760
Pregnancy is so weird.
188
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,200
It is really weird.
189
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,840
Does the baby kick much?
190
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,200
Mainly when I'm excited.
191
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,840
Can I? Or is that inappropriate?
192
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,360
Doesn't really feel
like kicking anyway.
193
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,360
More like someone's put
a bag of eels in my uterus.
194
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,800
Did you feel that?
195
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:54,960
Yeah!
196
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,800
She letting you have a touch?
197
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,120
Won't let me near it.
198
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,160
"I want to have a feel, Gemma!"
I keep saying to her.
199
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,080
You've got incredibly
cold hands, Rita. Yes.
200
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,600
And I am very proud of them.
201
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,160
Should, woulda, coulda
been a pastry chef.
202
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,000
If I wasn't allergic to pastry.
203
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,240
Ten centimetres?
204
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,520
You know, I reckon
I could get my head through that.
205
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,120
You think you can fit your head
through your daughter's cervix?
206
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,480
Well, now you put it like that,
I think...
207
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:27,680
You said you'd be helpful.
208
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,640
Sometimes baby does
get stuck in the birth canal
209
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,920
and needs a little bit
of help to get out.
210
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,240
Does anyone know what we would use
in that situation?
211
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,480
Oh, me! Yeah?
212
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:37,880
Butter.
213
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,440
Nobody uses butter
to get babies out.
214
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,000
For fuck's sake.
215
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,880
That's actually
a very good suggestion.
216
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,280
Anything natural,
217
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,600
over those nasty instruments.
218
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,640
Sorry, so butter is
better than forceps? Yep.
219
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:58,640
So, after baby's born, Mummy
will need to birth the placenta.
220
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,640
Oh, we didn't have that,
when you were little.
221
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:02,800
The placenta?
222
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,440
Yeah, yeah, your mum didn't have
that. That's a modern thing, that.
223
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,080
Yeah, it's... It's woke, isn't it?
224
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,200
So, you can have a hormone
injection to speed things up.
225
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,760
What's better? Having it or not?
226
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,920
Well, having the injection cuts
the chances of Mummy haemorrhaging.
227
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,680
But it's not as beneficial to baby.
228
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,120
Oh, well, you're not having that.
229
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,080
She's not having that.
230
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,640
If it's better for the baby,
then you're not having that.
231
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,080
Now, don't forget that you can buy
232
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,000
my organic mummy
and baby supplements.
233
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,520
Just £19.99 a bottle, so...
234
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,280
Just grab those on your way out.
235
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:42,600
Oh, we do find that natural mummies
like these, so probably not for you.
236
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:47,880
You want to be helpful?
237
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,720
Come with me to see Auntie Jess.
238
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,160
Whoa! I wonder how many
cocks you'd have to suck
239
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,680
to get a house this big.
240
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,720
Reckon Tyrone lives there?
241
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,400
I really don't want
to do this, Gemma.
242
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,400
I'm not going to let anything
bad happen to you.
243
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,680
Oh! Hiya! You've found us.
244
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,480
Malc. Gemma.
245
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,600
Oh, it's not a fucking skip!
246
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,080
Fuck's sake. It is a skip.
247
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,640
No, it's an advert for
Tyrone's skip hire company
248
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,760
but the neighbours
think it's a skip.
249
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,240
Because it's a skip.
It's not a SKIP!
250
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,120
Oh, it's lovely to see you both.
251
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,600
Shall we?
252
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,000
Oh...
253
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,240
You look well, Jess. Yeah.
254
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:44,000
Tyrone pays for me to get a
colonic once a month, so...
255
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,640
Ooh, trifle! Thank you.
256
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,760
OK. Come on then.
257
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,840
You can do this.
258
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:56,720
Now we're in the new house,
259
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,880
Tyrone has a very good
footwear system in place.
260
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,400
"Footwear system"?
261
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,400
Shoes off. You can pop some slippers
on before leaving the air lock.
262
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:05,640
Then when we head outside,
263
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,160
there'll be garden sliders for
everyone by the patio doors.
264
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,840
Ooh!
265
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,440
Oh, eh! Nice new house, Jess.
266
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,200
Are you going to give us a tour?
Yeah...
267
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:25,320
Actually, I don't want
either of you going upstairs.
268
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,720
But Jess can videocall you from the
landing, show you round that way?
269
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,160
OK. It's fine, thanks.
270
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,880
How's the warehouse then, Malcy?
271
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,360
Been promoted to tea boy yet?
272
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,040
I wish!
273
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,080
I'm sorry again about Davina.
274
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,920
Do you need a wee, love? Yeah.
OK, go to the loo.
275
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,760
Don't you dare
piss on those slippers!
276
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,560
By the way, Gemma,
congratulations, love!
277
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,600
Aw. Thank you.
278
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,600
It's just a little something
from me and Tyrone.
279
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,640
Aww! Yeah.
280
00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,680
Ooh...
281
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:00,880
Cabbage leaves?
282
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,760
Yeah, it was Tyrone's idea.
283
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,520
You stick 'em in your bra
when your boobs get sore.
284
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,600
I mean, they'll be rotten
by the time the baby comes,
285
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,240
but it's the thought
that counts, isn't it?
286
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:14,440
Yeah. You know, I have heard some
breast-feeding horror stories.
287
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,400
Oh, yeah. I could only
face it for 24 hours.
288
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,040
I've got that Sad Nipple Syndrome.
289
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,040
What? Sad Nipple Syndrome.
290
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,560
It's where if anything or
anyone touches my nipples,
291
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,520
I'm just overwhelmed with
a sense of melancholy.
292
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,560
She telling you about her
unhappy fun bags? Yeah.
293
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,800
That's not a real thing.
Oh, it is a real thing.
294
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,440
Yeah. Sad Nipple Syndrome's
a real thing.
295
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,640
I can't go anywhere near them
296
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,560
without Jess feeling
existential malaise.
297
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,320
Ain't that right, baby? Yeah.
298
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:43,640
Her arse, though...
299
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,400
Oh!
300
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,960
Cheeky. Yeah.
301
00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,080
I built that skip hire business
from the ground up with hard graft.
302
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,720
Zero cocks, zero crack.
303
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,000
Amazing. No cocks whatsoever?
304
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,440
I've got the car,
I've got the house.
305
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,440
All that was left was the hot tub.
306
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,120
Lamb casserole, Malcolm.
307
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,520
My favourite.
308
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:22,920
Davina could never eat lamb.
309
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,160
You know, cos she liked
that film Bambi so much.
310
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,800
Oh, yeah.
311
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,760
Dad, Bambi was a deer, not a lamb.
312
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:32,200
Oh, she must have got those
mixed up then, sorry.
313
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,400
Yet Davina couldn't keep away from
the kebab table at your ma's 70th.
314
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:39,080
Maybe she loved lamb, but you just
couldn't provide her with any.
315
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,560
She doesn't like it, Dad.
316
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,320
How many weeks are you, Gemma? 28.
317
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,680
Third trimester! Exciting. Yeah.
318
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,400
I was hoping you had
some advice, actually.
319
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,720
Never eat yellow snow.
320
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,760
Is that the only thing
you won't put in your mouth?
321
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,440
I mean about being a single mum.
322
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,440
Oh, we don't discuss things
like that at the dinner table.
323
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,680
Things like what?
324
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,680
Jess's past.
Ty, I'll be quick.
325
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:11,000
Why don't you boys
get some more drinks, eh?
326
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,440
Go on.
327
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:13,960
Come on.
328
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,440
He doesn't like to think
about stuff like that.
329
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,480
My bits are very special to him.
330
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,080
Yeah.
331
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,120
Do you wish you'd
waited to have Mia?
332
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:29,120
There's never an ideal
time to have a baby.
333
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,280
You can be in the
perfect relationship,
334
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,440
with the perfect
bank balance and then,
335
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,000
in the blink of an eye,
life can fuck it all up.
336
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,160
A friend of mine was
married, great job,
337
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,280
had a baby with the love
of her life but then he...
338
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:44,720
Cheated?
339
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,960
..got eaten by a shark in Thailand.
340
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,080
You see that?
341
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,640
That air fryer cost me a grand.
342
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,080
Never used it.
343
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,320
Never needed to.
No idea what it does.
344
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,040
And I wasn't alone.
345
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:11,960
Your dad would always come over if I
needed anything fixing or painting.
346
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,040
He'd bring you and Catherine, and
babysit Mia if I wanted a night out.
347
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,960
God, I don't remember any of that.
348
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,200
Look, I know he can be
a real wally sometimes, but...
349
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,240
..he's going to love that baby
more than anything in the world.
350
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,560
And then, later on,
if you find someone to pay for
351
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,280
a little nip and tuck downstairs,
then even better.
352
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,920
Oh, here he is.
353
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,120
When do people get in the hot tub,
then? Is it after dessert,
354
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,720
or are you saving it
for your sex parties?
355
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,240
They'll be no-one
getting in my hot tub.
356
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,440
Even I'm not allowed in the hot tub.
357
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,840
Thank God, eh, Malcolm? Malcy
here's scared of hot tubs, in't he?
358
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,400
Are you?
359
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,880
I don't know.
360
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,120
He is. He definitely is.
361
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,440
Erm, well, you know, they're not my
favourite thing anyway, so, yeah.
362
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,200
You two are just here to
look at it and admire it.
363
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,280
There'll be no grubby people
getting in my hot tub.
364
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:58,600
Isn't there chlorine in it?
365
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,000
Yeah, I can afford
chlorine, Gemma! Jesus.
366
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,360
I just don't want people,
other than me, in it.
367
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,440
You wouldn't get in a bath with me,
would you?
368
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,120
Absolutely not.
369
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,800
No. No, I wouldn't, no.
370
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,960
I'd like to thank everyone
for coming here today,
371
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,240
to celebrate me and Jess hitting
a milestone in our relationship.
372
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,680
Ten years ago,
when I first met Jess,
373
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,480
I was on my knees
sucking cocks for crack.
374
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,120
I was good at it.
375
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,520
I sucked a lot of cocks,
but I also got a lot of crack.
376
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,480
I didn't realise, at the time,
that I'd hit rock bottom.
377
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,080
I quite enjoyed it, actually.
378
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,040
But then Jess gave me an ultimatum,
379
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,000
that night in Pizza Express.
380
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,200
She said stop sucking cocks
for crack, or lose her.
381
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,320
So, I stopped.
382
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,640
And now here I am, a decade later
383
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,240
with the most successful skip hire
business in the North West.
384
00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,160
So, I'd like to raise a glass.
385
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:01,880
To the hot tub.
386
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,880
Ah, OK.
387
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,200
Hot tub.
388
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,520
You know, you and that
baby are totally fucked
389
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,120
if you think
he's going to be of any use.
390
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,040
Dad's been a lot more helpful
than you'd expect, actually.
391
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,800
You all know it. Jess knows it.
392
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,560
Useless brother, useless husband,
useless dad.
393
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,280
And he'll be a useless grandad
to that little baby.
394
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,760
And he's scared of hot tubs.
395
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,000
It's the only reason I bought one,
396
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,880
to see the fear in Malcolm's eyes.
397
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,040
I'm not.
398
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,280
I've remembered now and I'm not.
399
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,480
Yeah, I didn't think he was.
400
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,840
Yeah, you are. Otherwise,
what's this fucking tea all about?
401
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,800
Right, I'll show you!
402
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,920
What's he doing?
What's your dad doing?
403
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,160
I honestly have no idea.
404
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,520
Malcolm! Sliders off
before you go in the house, Malcolm!
405
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,920
Malcolm! Dad, what are you doing?
406
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,200
Right. I'll show you.
No, no... No!
407
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,760
I'm going to show you.
408
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,760
What are you... Oi! Oh, my God!
409
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:52,160
No! Weyyyy, ha-ha!
410
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,520
Right, I'm going to sit in here
411
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,720
and eat my lovely trifle
by my lovely daughter.
412
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,920
And I'm going to let this
water float away all my cares.
413
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,520
Malcolm, get out of that hot tub.
414
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,160
No! Oh, eh...
415
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,560
Whoa! No!
416
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,000
That's going to fuck the filter.
417
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,240
Get out, Malcolm!
Hey, this is good, love.
418
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,600
Jess, he's made it all mucky. He's
made it all mucky. I know, baby.
419
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,600
Oh, fantastic party, Tyrone.
420
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,040
Look at that.
421
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:18,960
Bloody lovely.
422
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,000
Is your partner late again?
423
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,680
No, I'm doing it alone, actually.
424
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,800
Oh...
425
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,200
Hello, everyone, I'm Dr Rush.
426
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:37,360
I've been asked to take over
this Becoming Mummies course
427
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,960
because Twinky has been arrested.
428
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,440
Let's get some questions
and we can see where the gaps are.
429
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,280
Is it possible to legally
force the midwife
430
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,760
to follow my birth plan
to the letter?
431
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,160
And can we sue them if they don't?
432
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,600
Planning a birth
is like planning a car crash.
433
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:04,200
We all know what we'd like to
happen, steer into the skid,
434
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,280
but sometimes you just have to
take your hands off the wheel.
435
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,120
That's a no, then, is it?
436
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:13,240
A birth plan is what you hope for.
437
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,040
Not what's actually going to happen.
438
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,120
That's not what Twinky said.
439
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,160
Well, Twinky was a bell-end.
440
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:23,840
You have no control
over any of this,
441
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,440
beyond your own attitude.
442
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,480
That's what makes this
all so terrifying.
443
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,240
But empowering, too.
444
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,200
Can I ask my partner to
try and avoid pain relief?
445
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:36,560
I mean, she should ignore you.
446
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:37,800
But, yeah, you can ask her.
447
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,920
Why don't you try slamming
his balls into a car door?
448
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,920
And if he can get through
that without pain relief,
449
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,360
then have the conversation.
450
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,800
Hey. I have something to show you.
451
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,560
OK.
452
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,320
Ta-dah!
453
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,520
Dad...
454
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:15,080
Oh, Dad! Yeah? Eh?
455
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,480
Not so useless now, am I?
456
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:24,120
No. Amazing drill work.
457
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:27,000
Yeah, well,
I know my way around a joist.
458
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,760
I don't even know what a joist is.
459
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,400
I'm so glad you like it.
460
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:35,400
I'll put dinner on.
461
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,640
Shit! What was that?
462
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,400
Nothing, nothing.
463
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,160
Shite!
34584
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