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1
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:05,440
Oh, my God.
2
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,000
Dad!
3
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:12,160
What?
4
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,960
The lights!
It's the middle of the day.
5
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,000
Sorry, Gem.
6
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,000
But you're better at all that
than me, aren't you?
7
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,160
What?!
8
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,000
Better at turning lights off?
9
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,840
That's not a life skill, Dad.
10
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,560
Chickens can turn lights off.
11
00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:26,200
Well, it was your mum
that turned the lights off
12
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,240
in the old house, you know.
13
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,120
She had her system,
so I didn't like to interfere.
14
00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:30,760
Well, I'm not Mum,
so you need to learn
15
00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:32,760
when the appropriate time
to have lights on and off is.
16
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:34,320
But do you want a hint? Yeah.
17
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,680
If it's dark, turn them on.
18
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,040
If it's not dark,
19
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,280
turn the fucking lights off!
20
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,360
All right. If you don't mind me
saying, you're a bit stressed
21
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:43,920
for someone who's just
been to a yoga class.
22
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,600
Well, you're costing me
all this money, Dad.
23
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:49,320
All the lights are on,
45-minute showers.
24
00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,320
I need a long shower, don't I?
25
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:53,480
I need to, like, you know,
get things out of my system.
26
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,240
Ugh, what things?!
27
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,560
And then this morning I find out
Baris has put the rent up.
28
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,320
I thought you were supposed
to speak to him?
29
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:01,360
Yeah, I did, I did -
30
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,760
but it was mostly about nunchuks.
31
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,520
You know, I'm just not
good at confrontation, am I, Gem?
32
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,120
Well, strap in, because we're
about to have a big bloody row.
33
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:10,280
OK.
34
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,520
I can't afford to cover all this.
35
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,400
Not once I'm on maternity leave.
36
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,920
So you're gonna need to take up
extra shifts at the warehouse...
37
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,840
Dad! Hello? Are you even listening?
38
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,600
Yeah, shifts. Warehouse.
39
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,960
Sorry, I just need to check
if this is Helen.
40
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,120
"Helen"?
41
00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:25,400
Yeah. It's my girlfriend.
42
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,640
What?!
43
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,280
I didn't know
whether I was ready, you know,
44
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:29,760
and then I got a postcard
from your mum
45
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,640
saying her loins had shrivelled up
and died the last time we, er...
46
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,040
Ugh! So I thought to myself,
"Come on, Malcolm,
47
00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:36,240
"she's not coming back."
48
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,560
You know? Time for pastures new -
49
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,360
and then Helen just
popped into my life.
50
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,520
How did you meet a woman?
51
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,080
Well we've not "met" met,
you know, just...
52
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:46,600
Well, we met in cyberspace.
53
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,200
You know, on an app.
54
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,840
Oh, Dad...
55
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,520
We need to have a chat
about catfishing.
56
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,120
He's driving me nuts.
57
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,800
Obviously.
58
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:06,440
He dried his underpants in
the microwave the other day. Oh!
59
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:07,920
I shouldn't have to tell
my own father
60
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,480
what he can and can't put
in the microwave.
61
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,720
Hey, you should put
a note on it, like Mum did.
62
00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:12,800
Do you remember?
63
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,720
"No metal spoons, Malcolm.
You twat."
64
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,040
Ooh, maybe I should
make him a sign.
65
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,960
Oh, my God. What?
66
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,720
You're turning into mum!
67
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,240
I am not.
68
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,440
You are!
69
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,080
He's turning you
into a replacement wife.
70
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,520
Oh! Oh...
71
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,040
I don't know how I'm gonna
cope when the baby gets here.
72
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,880
You need to get yourself a business
plan to get out of this mess.
73
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,920
Your last "business plan"
got you incarcerated -
74
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,920
but, go ahead, Apprentice me,
Jeffrey Bezos.
75
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,320
Well...
76
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:50,160
..given your very limited skillset,
77
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,120
I think your best option
78
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:58,800
is to find a rich, and
preferably senile, guy ASAP.
79
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,520
Asap!
80
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:03,840
I'm good, 'in't I?
81
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:04,880
Mm.
82
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,320
Fuck.
83
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,720
If she won't let me
see the kids this weekend,
84
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,880
she is not getting
the crunchy bears.
85
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,280
Bloody women.
86
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,440
Yeah.
87
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:21,280
Talking of women, I have been
looking for a companion on this app,
88
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,120
and I've found one.
89
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,280
Yeah, and we've been chatting,
you know - and her name is Helen.
90
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,640
She's 50 and she works
at the hospital,
91
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,520
and she doesn't have
any kids or anything.
92
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,040
All right. Bang her, then leave her.
93
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,680
Yeah. Definitely. It's just...
94
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,440
I think I'm in love with her.
95
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,360
She-She's really funny you know
and she just says things like...
96
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:40,800
Oh, Malcolm.
97
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,600
Women aren't funny.
98
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:43,840
Show me.
99
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:50,520
You dirty old dog!
100
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:52,000
This is a hook-up app!
101
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,040
A what?
102
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,160
Casual sex.
103
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,080
No. No, Helen wouldn't do that.
104
00:03:56,080 --> 00:04:00,200
Malcolm, I promise you, this app is
for finding a no-strings fuck buddy.
105
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,440
B-But I like strings, don't I?
106
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,240
I mean, strings are
romantic, aren't they?
107
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,200
Let's see if she's turned on the
"mutual attraction" feature.
108
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,320
What?
109
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,000
It lets you find each other,
so you can meet up and smash.
110
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,000
What, without
going to the cinema first?
111
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,280
Bingo.
112
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,880
I use this for my casual
encounters all the time.
113
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,960
Or I will do. I'm just, er...
114
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,840
..just waiting for a couple
of rashes to clear up.
115
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,720
Give us it back.
116
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:23,480
So, you get this boring
notification that alerts you
117
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,280
when you're within
five metres of each other,
118
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:29,400
or you can pay extra for this.
119
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,440
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
120
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:33,080
Want me to add it to yours too?
Wow, wow pussy alert.
121
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,240
No, no, thanks.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
122
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,840
I'm fine with the factory settings.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
123
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:39,080
Wow, wow, pussy alert...
124
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,880
Rita, they're out of
decaf at the minimart.
125
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,640
Do you want me to go to
the big shop? Oh, no need, love.
126
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,440
Ooh, I know -
let's open the tequila instead.
127
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:48,120
It's 9am,
and I'm 18 weeks pregnant.
128
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,600
Winnie'll have one won't you?
Little minx.
129
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:54,440
And I work so much better
when I'm a few glasses down.
130
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,840
Congratulations, Gemma, love!
131
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,080
And we don't know
who the father is, do we?
132
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,480
Is it that old one?
133
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,480
I thought you dumped
that old one months ago.
134
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,000
I did dump him.
135
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,480
Because he wanted to settle down
and have kids and I didn't.
136
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,440
Oh! Mm, the irony.
137
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,120
Adam actually asked me to marry him.
138
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,000
And why the hell didn't you,
you silly mare?
139
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,720
You can't be turning men
down in your condition.
140
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:16,960
I wasn't pregnant when he asked.
141
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,720
He owned that bungalow outright.
142
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,600
His trousers weren't
made of polyester.
143
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,000
I'd kill for a man like that.
144
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,200
I wasn't in love with him.
145
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,480
Love? Pah.
146
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,840
I've been married four times,
Gemma, and not once was it for love.
147
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:29,960
A house, a car,
some exquisite crockery -
148
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,440
but never love.
149
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,240
That's really sad, Rita.
150
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,920
I didn't plan on getting wed at all.
151
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,200
When I was your age,
152
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,720
I was after joining MI6
153
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:41,040
and being one of those spies
that shagged about for secrets.
154
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,600
Am I gonna regret asking
why you didn't become a spy?
155
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:48,040
I sucked off Mike Baldwin on a tour
of the Coronation Street set.
156
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,520
They found out -
they said I wasn't very discerning.
157
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:51,760
How did they find out?
158
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,400
Oh, I must have done it
on camera by accident.
159
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,800
Didn't know I did Kevin Webster
too, though, did they? Hmm?
160
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,600
Bloody MI6. They don't know shit.
161
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,320
I'm sorry,
what are you trying to tell me?
162
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,040
Well, life is about compromise.
163
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:05,920
Especially for us girls.
164
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,160
My sister said something
very similar.
165
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,440
Just because she's in prison
166
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,960
for paying a man to push another
man down a lift-shaft...
167
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,160
Off a fire escape.
168
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,760
..does not mean
she gives bad advice.
169
00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,760
And you can tell your dad
he's welcome to pop in
170
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,640
for a Corrie Special
whenever he likes.
171
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,680
Rita! I'm just saying.
172
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,360
Want a top up, Winnie?
173
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,080
Oh, you've not finished that one.
174
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,640
Thanks for coming with me. Um...
175
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,400
So, sorry, which one am I?
176
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,160
The blue dot that's moving,
because of how you're moving.
177
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,480
Who's the pink one?
178
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:35,680
Fucking Helen!
179
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:36,760
OK. All right...
180
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,360
There's two fucking dots, Malcolm.
Yeah, I know, I know.
181
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,120
Sorry. I get confused.
Get your head in the game, man!
182
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:42,400
I don't know...
183
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,280
So, what's she like?
Other than well up for it?
184
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,640
She's lovely.
185
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,840
We watch Emily In Paris
at the same time
186
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:52,000
and then message each other
about what Emily's wearing.
187
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,120
Weak.
188
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,320
Should get her to
watch some UFC with you.
189
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,360
If she's turned on by a man
190
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,840
round-housing another man's
head off, then she's a keeper.
191
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,280
She's a vegan, which is a worry,
192
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:01,440
in case I smell of meat.
193
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:02,720
Do I smell of meat?
194
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,560
I mean, a bit.
But, you know, in a good way.
195
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,160
She runs. Mental.
196
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:11,720
And she believes in angels.
197
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,160
What?
198
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,800
Yeah. She believes in angels.
199
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,360
You know, that they, like...
200
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:18,640
..they walk amongst us -
201
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,160
and it's very important
that I believe in that, too.
202
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,120
Well, do you? Well, er...
203
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,080
I could. I mean, why not?
204
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:27,880
OK. She's heading towards us.
205
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,080
Now's your chance.
206
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,080
55-year-old male, arrived by car.
207
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:36,000
Lacerations to both legs
after a strimmer accident.
208
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,360
Careful...
209
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,800
He went into cardiac
arrest on the way here.
210
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,080
Oh, my God, Malcolm!
Did you see that?
211
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:43,480
I know.
212
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,120
I used to love using my strimmer.
213
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:49,720
Derek...
214
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:52,160
What kind of bloke are you after?
215
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,000
Other than "rich",
to quote your sister.
216
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,680
Erm, not a prick.
217
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,520
Someone who is willing to
look after my unborn child.
218
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,080
Is that a high bar or
a low bar? I can't tell.
219
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,320
Will you help me find him?
220
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:03,760
I can if we go to Sugar Daddies.
221
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,840
Oh, God, it's not actually
called that, is it?
222
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,120
Ugh, may as well be -
223
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,640
but trust me, it is THE place to
go for your fairy-tale ending.
224
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:10,840
That good?
225
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,760
Mate of mine -
no money, grotty flat -
226
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,000
went there one night,
hooked up with an oligarch,
227
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,240
got married, he got murdered.
228
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,960
She now lives on a yacht with her
super hot wife and couple of pugs.
229
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,640
Oh, my God.
230
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,520
A real-life Cinderella story.
231
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,080
Innit?!
232
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,680
Ooh, hello, ruffles!
233
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,440
Ooh.
234
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,320
Yeah. That's the one, isn't it?
235
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,640
Gem... Mmm.
236
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,840
Gem, can I ask a favour?
237
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,880
Oh, I'm not squeezing
your back spots again, Dad.
238
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,520
Oh, no, it's not that...
239
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:49,560
I just wondered if I could borrow
your very smart telephone to, erm...
240
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,240
..take a pic of my willy.
241
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,640
No chance.
242
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:54,920
Use your own.
243
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,320
I can't, can I?
244
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,440
I bought it second-hand off Andy,
and he's smashed the camera in.
245
00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,560
Why? Well, cos his
brother told him to
246
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,080
in case he caught 5G or
something, I don't know.
247
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,680
No. Oh, go on!
248
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,840
It's for Helen, you know,
so she can...
249
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,360
So she can see the goods.
250
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,280
Dad, Helen is a six foot
trucker from Didsbury.
251
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,000
No, she's not.
Me and Derek saw her.
252
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,560
She's lovely.
253
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:16,680
Right!
254
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,880
Well, if she's so lovely, why are
you sending her a picture
255
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,680
of your willy? Your penis?
256
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,720
Well, you know, I'm just stepping
up the wooing to the next level.
257
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,040
An unsolicited dick pic
is not the next level.
258
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,120
No, it's not unsolicited -
it's solicited.
259
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,480
She sent me pictures of her...
lady breasts.
260
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,040
Loads of pictures, actually.
261
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,160
Go on, Gem.
262
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,880
Oh, my God...
263
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,440
No.
264
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,600
Christ.
265
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:39,920
God.
266
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,120
I probably don't
deserve love, do I, anyway?
267
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:45,480
Look at me.
268
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,560
Take it!
269
00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:49,960
Oh, thanks, Gem!
270
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,760
Fucking hell.
271
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,440
Gem?
272
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,120
What?
273
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:11,720
Erm...
274
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,440
I don't know how to send it.
275
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,200
You couldn't it send
to me, could you?
276
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,680
Cos then I can send to her, you see.
277
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,160
Dad, are you for real?
278
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:21,400
Please.
279
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,200
Oh, my God.
280
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,240
Cheers.
281
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,280
Jesus, Dad.
282
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,840
This is flaccid.
283
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:31,400
Well, I didn't want to be
presumptuous, did I? No.
284
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,480
You cannot send a flaccid cock shot.
285
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,080
OK? This looks like a baby rat
that's fallen asleep on a scourer.
286
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,120
Do it again.
287
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,760
But this time...
288
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,360
..erect.
289
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:44,720
Thanks, Gemma.
290
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,880
I'll just pop on a Kylie video.
291
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,680
Go on.
292
00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:59,680
Get comfy.
293
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,920
Are you sure you still
want to do this?
294
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,280
Yep.
295
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,600
After what I had to do
to help my dad get a date,
296
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,440
this is going to feel
like a walk in the park.
297
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,800
Let's find you a daddy.
298
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,280
Cute.
299
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,200
Right, follow me, babe.
300
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,320
Wow.
301
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,240
God, you really weren't joking
about who comes in here.
302
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:32,800
Right.
303
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,520
A few little rules
worth keeping in mind.
304
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,720
This is not the first time
I've chatted men up in a bar.
305
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,560
Laugh at all their terrible jokes.
Mm-hm.
306
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,280
Don't talk about politics.
307
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,840
Pretend you like golf.
308
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,600
DON'T slag off the King.
309
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,760
Hadn't actually
thought of those last two.
310
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,320
Ladies.
311
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:49,640
He smells weird.
312
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,200
Oh, pregnancy early warning system.
313
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:52,360
Sorry, babe.
314
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,840
Hey. Hi. I'm Clint.
315
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,560
Friends call me the Clintser.
316
00:11:58,560 --> 00:11:59,880
Ooh...
317
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,960
Er, what's your favourite novel,
Clint?
318
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,240
Shakespeare.
319
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:06,400
Mm-hm.
320
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:07,440
Mmmm. Oh.
321
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,680
Bye.
322
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,480
Look, this won't work
if you're too picky. No, I know.
323
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,920
I know, I'm sorry. I'll promise I'll
make an effort with the next one.
324
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,440
Even if he's gross and thick? Yeah.
325
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:15,800
I'm not leaving here
326
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,680
until I have a potential
father for my unborn child.
327
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:18,760
Good lass.
328
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,200
Ooh... May I buy you ladies a drink?
329
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,360
Champagne, maybe?
330
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,840
I'm Fergal.
331
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,320
And you are...? Gemma. Cherry.
332
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,080
I was going to say,
333
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,480
"Far too gorgeous to be
in a place like this."
334
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,120
Fucking baiter.
335
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,240
I knew you'd get stood up, Malc.
336
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,880
I knew it.
337
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:55,760
I told you not to send her a pickle
picture without showing me first.
338
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,160
Helen was very nice about
my "display", actually.
339
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,560
And, anyway,
she hasn't stood me up.
340
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,560
Well, not yet, anyway.
341
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,080
Then why is she meeting you so late?
342
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,120
She's probably waiting for her
jealous husband to fall asleep.
343
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,080
She does overtime on Fridays.
344
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,040
I'm sorry, Derek.
345
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,320
I'm just nervous, aren't I?
346
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,080
Oh, grow up.
347
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:18,960
You are a man,
348
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,600
and any man is better
than any female.
349
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,480
Oh, what, so Fred West better
than Shirley Bassey, is he?
350
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,040
You're fiddling the
system now, Malcolm. Stop it.
351
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,840
I mean, what if she
wants to, you know...?
352
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:33,600
Good! That's what you're
paying £2.99 a month for.
353
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,000
I'm not ready for that...
354
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,200
I'm not ready... Malcolm?
355
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,080
No! No, no! Sorry!
356
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,280
I didn't get the alert!
357
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,160
I didn't get an alert.
I'm not ready!
358
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:45,680
I'm not ready! I'm not ready!
359
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:46,960
Aah! Malcolm?
360
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,760
Is he OK? Obviously not.
361
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,120
And that's your fault.
362
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,360
Who are you?
363
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:55,680
Oh.
364
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,040
Oh, no, what's happening?
365
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,160
Oh, no, I think
I'm having a heart attack.
366
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,480
Oh...
367
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,040
Oh, you should probably
do the thing.
368
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,520
Help me. Help me...!
369
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:06,680
Ugh...
370
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,040
Dickhead.
371
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:18,840
Malcolm, my friend, what you need
is the old "Wow, wow pussy alert".
372
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,480
Your husband's
a professional rugby player?
373
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,760
Yeah, he has been with the same club
since he was 11 years old.
374
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:29,040
He'll never move away, though,
his mum's a right needy wanker.
375
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,880
She has Parkinson's disease.
376
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,880
Yeah, and she doesn't
let you forget it.
377
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,200
Babe, eyes on the prize, eh? Yeah.
378
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,160
Another round, Fergal?
379
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,640
You're so good at
buying drinks, after all.
380
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,280
That's a terrible line!
381
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,560
But I-I am very good
at buying drinks.
382
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,160
Thank you.
383
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:56,320
Mate, sorry.
384
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:57,680
Excu...
385
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,920
Hi!
386
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,880
Er, hi...Gemma? Mm-hm.
387
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,320
Are you here alone?
388
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:07,480
Er, with my boss.
389
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,880
Oh, right.
Is he a massive douchebag?
390
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,280
No, he's just...really lonely.
391
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,960
Can I buy you a drink? Maybe?
392
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:19,160
Erm, could we get a bottle of
champagne and some sparkling water?
393
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,680
Whoa!
394
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,000
Shit, OK.
395
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,480
Do you think I'm running some
sort of Breaking Bad operation?
396
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,800
Because while I technically do
know how to make methamphetamine,
397
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,320
I would have absolutely
no idea how to shift it.
398
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,560
Drinks are on Fergal.
399
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,040
Sorry, who's Fergal?
400
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,840
Er, Fergs and I have decided this
place sucks a donkey's big fat dick.
401
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:40,000
That's not quite what I said.
402
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,320
Who is this? I...
We're going back to mine.
403
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,120
You coming? Er... Great!
404
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,480
You found one for me too!
Thanks, babe.
405
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,640
You can have this back. Thanks.
406
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:51,680
Come on.
407
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,160
What did you tell her?
408
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,920
That you had the shits. Oh...
409
00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:00,000
I said you'd seen an angel
and it'd made your stomach go funny.
410
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,160
Why?!
411
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,360
Cos it's just as likely as
anything else that would happen
412
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,960
if you saw an angel.
413
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,640
You know, I'm not cut out for this.
414
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:07,720
Davina was cruel,
415
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,760
but at least I knew where all her
bits were and how they worked.
416
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,320
She was like a
menopausal Ford Focus.
417
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,560
Hey, come on.
418
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:15,680
You'll get there, champ.
419
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,760
If not now, then...one day.
420
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,960
Besides, now I've Helen up close,
421
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,760
she's only a six at best
on the pussy-ometer, so...
422
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,400
Six? I like a six.
423
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,080
So are you, erm, a doctor?
424
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,880
No. Oh...
425
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,800
I love a man in uniform.
426
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,560
That's nice... I don't...
I don't wear one of those either.
427
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:40,040
So, I guess this is the part where
you tell me you are married...?
428
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,960
I was married,
429
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,720
but we split up six months ago.
430
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:47,400
We were childhood sweethearts,
431
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,280
but she wanted something different.
432
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,520
And she was devoted to her career,
433
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:52,800
but I...
434
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,840
I really want a family.
435
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,600
God, I didn't even know that
men had a biological clock.
436
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,840
Alexa, play Fergal's
Midnight Playlist.
437
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,440
What the fuck...?
438
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,120
You're the Best Thing
by The Style Council
439
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:16,040
Oh, my God, I've not heard
this song for years.
440
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:19,000
My dad would sing this all
the time when we were little.
441
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,880
Yeah. Yeah, guys.
442
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,160
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, I'll just, erm...
443
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,400
Yeah.
444
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,040
Cheers, everybody.
445
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,920
So, you'll message me?
446
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:05,240
Look, I really like you,
so I don't want to start with a lie.
447
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,680
I'm pregnant.
448
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,480
What? Mm.
449
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,400
Wow. That's...
450
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:11,960
Massive. Yeah. Yeah.
451
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,760
Hey, do you still want that DM?
452
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,320
I don't know where
this is gonna go...
453
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,360
..but girls like you really
don't come along very often.
454
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,160
It's such a beautiful morning.
455
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,280
Yeah.
456
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,560
Oh, no!
457
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:49,880
Chemtrails.
458
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,160
What?
459
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,200
You see that line
behind the plane up there?
460
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,320
That's a fucking chemtrail.
461
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,800
Fuck!
462
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,800
Fucking cloud bastards.
463
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,960
The government use aeroplanes to
pump chemicals into the atmosphere,
464
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,400
which keep the electorate
stupid and control our minds.
465
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,000
It's the same with
fluoride in the water.
466
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,240
If it's to protect people's teeth,
467
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:17,720
why have so many
people got fillings?
468
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:20,320
Think about it.
I mean, it makes no fucking sense.
469
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:21,760
Mm...
470
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:22,920
I'm in a WhatsApp group,
471
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,920
we're really trying to blow
this whole thing wide open.
472
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,640
Let the sheeple know the truth.
473
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,120
Yeah, about the chemtrails?
474
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:29,840
I'll add you to the group.
475
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,280
OK!
476
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,960
Thanks for a great night. Thanks.
477
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:54,840
So close.
478
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,200
Dad! Have you had the lights
on since I left this morning?
479
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,240
No.
480
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,720
You've been moping about for days.
481
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,560
Are you still connected
to her on the app?
482
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,200
Yeah.
483
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,080
That's how I know she's
been at work all week,
484
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,640
but she hasn't read or replied
to any of my messages.
485
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:22,760
Right.
486
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,200
Have a short shower and get dressed.
487
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,680
You're going to tell her how
you feel, the old-fashioned way.
488
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,600
What, a post-it note
through the letterbox?
489
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,960
What?
490
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:40,080
It's just here, by the church.
491
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,000
I don't know what
I'm gonna say to her.
492
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,400
Just tell her you're sorry.
493
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,680
Still don't think
we should have brought
494
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,200
your emotional support
dickhead along.
495
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,120
Yeah. She's getting married.
496
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,160
Called it.
497
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:01,400
She just wanted you for one last
blow on the meat horn, Malc.
498
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:02,680
And you bailed on her.
499
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,320
Do not listen to him, Dad.
500
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,880
She'll just be a guest.
501
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,240
Have you got the flowers?
502
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,280
This is so not wedding-appropriate.
503
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,040
What if I get tagged in the photos?
504
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,000
I think you look lovely.
505
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,960
You've got that glow, the baby glow.
506
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,360
She's dead.
507
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:41,120
Malcolm... Oh Dad!
508
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:42,200
Excuse me.
509
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,480
Oh, God.
510
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,640
It's probably for the best.
511
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,160
Hey, she could have had a disease
512
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,400
she was trying to pass on
as an act of vengeance.
513
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:58,720
Shut up.
514
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,480
I can't believe she's dead.
515
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,320
One minute, she's sat in the garden
with a chunky John Grisham,
516
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,320
and the next her brain just pops.
517
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,400
Did you know Helen well?
518
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:11,720
Erm...
519
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,440
She was so lovely.
520
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,320
Helped me out no end with this one.
521
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,480
She was lovely, wasn't she?
522
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,960
I just wish I'd had a chance
to tell her, you know...
523
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,360
They've put her phone in the casket,
524
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:31,120
so you can send her a little
message later if you like.
525
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,320
Lovely.
526
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,520
Adagio for Strings
by Samuel Barber
527
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,000
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Derek!
528
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,520
It's you, Malcolm.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
529
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,800
Turn your phone off. Have some
respect. Wow, wow, pussy alert.
530
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,160
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Can you hold them?
531
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,560
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
532
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:01,880
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
533
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,720
I've got it. It's off.
534
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,680
At least she's with her
best friends, the angels, now.
535
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:32,040
Was it the start of something
beautiful with Fergal?
536
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,240
Turns out he was in a WhatsApp group
537
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,680
dedicated to exposing
government conspiracy theories.
538
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,720
Chemtrails, specifically.
539
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,680
Oh, mate. I am so sorry.
540
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,440
No, it's better I find out
now than on our wedding day.
541
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,120
How pregnant are you?
542
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:50,840
What gave it away?
543
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,960
Those antibiotics you had are
mainly given to pregnant people.
544
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:57,200
Plus you weren't drinking
at Sugar Daddies.
545
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,720
Yeah. 18 weeks.
546
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,280
And he's not on the scene,
which is why I was at the club,
547
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,640
because I was panicking
about doing it alone.
548
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,240
That's, er...
549
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:09,880
That's a lot.
550
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,120
Fergal was really fit
though, wasn't he?
551
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,240
Yeah. Really...fit.
552
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,680
Do you, er...
553
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,560
..fancy getting a coffee sometime?
554
00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:21,560
I think it's your turn to pay.
555
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,280
Oh, my God, it is.
556
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,400
Yeah. Oh, perfect.
557
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,880
I can tell you all about my theory
on why 9/11 was an inside job.
39642
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