All language subtitles for Tyler.Perrys.House.of.Payne.S13E12.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

Hey, Christian.
You almost ready to go?

Dad, my stomach feels funny.

No, you just don't wanna go to
your mom's boring work picnic.

Look, how about this, son?

How about I stay in town,

and I go to
that boring work picnic,

and you drive up
and down Georgia

with Laura looking
for wedding venues? Deal?

Why you doing all that?

Just go to a church.
It's a wedding.

Yeah, you would think.

But it's not a fancy venue

that Laura saw
in one of her housewife shows,

so here we are.

That's ridiculous.

I don't get it, Dad.

Well, you know, son,
one day you grow up

and you still won't get it.

What is taking her so long?
Laura!

[Laura] I'm coming.

We gotta go.

Oh, my goodness,
I'm sorry, babe.

I had to pack.

I thought you were going away
for just one night.

[Calvin chuckles]
Oh, sweetie.

I am going away
for one night.

However, a woman needs
her options, okay?

See, we have tonight,
we have tomorrow morning,

tomorrow day,
then travel back.

That's three wardrobe changes
plus backups

in case my mood
or the weather changes, right?

Plus I have shoes
and accessory options.

Of course, it's not a game.

Sounds way over the top.

It's too early in the morning

for you to be starting
with me, little boy.

Baby, you don't sound
like you excited

about wedding planning.

Baby, I'm excited.
It's just, I'm a dude.

All the colors
and flower arrangements

and what type of font
to use on the invitation,

-that doesn't matter to me.
-[Laura] Mm.

But don't get me wrong.
I'm excited.

It's just all
the background stuff

isn't important to me.

Look, I don't care
where I get to kiss my bride,

as long as I get to do it.

Okay.

Well, listen, us women,
we get excited

about these kinds of things,
babe.

It means a lot to us.

Look, I showed my girlfriends

all the venues
we're gonna go see

and they were so jealous.

-Mm.
-Wait, jealous like

they would rather go instead?

Wait, you would
be okay with that?

Would you?

-I mean...
-I mean...

Well, if you think about it,
I've seen

all the wedding venues online
and I'm okay with any of them,

so if you think
you would have more fun

making this
a little girls trip...

A girls trip? Oh! Say less!

Okay.

I see you, Dad.

What'd you say, baby?

-[Calvin] Nothing.
-Nothing.

-[Laura] Oh.
-Nothing.

-I'll go my way. Okay.
-[Calvin] Okay.

I love it.

Well, y'all have fun
on your little boys' weekend.

Christian, I love you, baby.

Aw, you have
a good weekend, okay?

I'ma get the door
for you.

Honey, listen,
I love you so much.

-[Calvin] I love you back.
-And thank you.

-No problem. You have fun.
-Ooh, you are the best.

Yeah, have fun. Be safe.

-[Laura] Okay.
-All right.

Yes! Now that
is what I call a win-win.

No boring work picnic for you

and no boring
location scouting for me.

I'ma call your mom to tell her
plans have changed.

Hey, so you wanna catch a movie
and grab a pizza?

You not in the mood
for pizza?

No, my stomach again.
Think I'm gonna be sick.

Hey, Miranda, so, uh, look,
plans have changed.

[Christian retching loudly]

[whimpers] Uh, Christian
is barfing.

Yeah, I, uh... Wait,
you don't mind

coming over
to help me with him?

Oh, my God.
You are the best.

Okay, get here.
Yes, it's bad. Come on.

Okay. Bye.

Son, you okay?

[Christian barfs]

[music]

Oh, my gosh, how are we arguing
over cookies

we haven't even tasted yet?

Might as well
argue over cookies.

Lately, we argue
over everything.

You think they're better soft.
I prefer them crunchy.

Let's just agree
to disagree.

Don't nobody want
no crunchy cookies.

Like father, like daughter.

When your daddy was a boy,

he was always having
his little dirty fingers

in my cookie dough.

[chuckles] Aunt Ella,
that is not true.

C.J., you did not put
your dirty little fingers

in the cookie dough?

My hands was never dirty.

They was in the cookie dough.

Mine ain't dirty either.

-Hey, Uncle Curtis.
-[Curtis] Hey.

We baking cookies.
You want one?

Nah, ain't in the mood
for no cookies.

That's like a vacuum

saying it ain't in the mood
for dust bunnies.

You feeling all right?

[scoffs] I feel like
a million bucks.

It's Floyd that's not
feeling all right.

He's off somewhere
feeling like two pennies.

What's wrong with Floyd?

He just made the biggest mistake
of his whole entire life.

Okay, baby. Okay. All right.

Did I miss something?

"What's wrong with Floyd?"
You didn't tell her?

I didn't.

Curtis and Floyd had
a big disagreement yesterday

about the barbecue business.

Yeah, it was bad.

It was so bad,
I had to send Uncle Curtis

to the corner
out there.

And I had to leave.

Well, they did finally agree
upon something.

That it was time
for them to dissolve

their business partnership.

Oh, that's a shame.
Their crazy went well together.

Well, when two people fight,

find themselves fighting
and arguing all the time,

sometimes it's just best

if they just go
their separate ways

before things
begin to get spiteful and mean,

'cause it's gonna get
spiteful and mean every time.

Crunchy.

No, we can't let them
get a divorce.

A divorce?

-Did I say divorce?
-You did. You said divorce.

I thought I heard divorce.

Oh, what I meant to say
was we can't let them

separate their
business relationship.

Oh, okay, okay.

So no divorce.
You just feel like

maybe we should get
Uncle Curtis and Floyd together

so they can talk?

You know, talk before
you get to divorce.

Some degree of remediation,
some kind of...

Wait a minute, are we
still talking about Floyd?

Who else would we
be talking about?

Well, okay, Curtis and Floyd
talked it out yesterday.

Mm-hmm, and Laura and I
spent an hour

cleaning barbecue sauce
off these cabinets.

See, what they didn't have

was Janine and I
to talk it out with them...

-Oh.
-And be the mediators.

Be in this thing together.

-Yeah. Uh-huh.
-Uh-huh. Yup.

They do call me
a negotiator.

Well, listen, Floyd is
too mad to come back over here.

And if he did,

Curtis is not
gonna let him in.

-Don't even worry about it.
-[Ella] He's not!

Watch, just watch us work.
Watch.

Go on, baby, make that call.
Watch him do his thing.

[cellphone dialing]
[Ella chuckling]

Hey, Floyd.
Hey, man.

Listen, um, Uncle Curtis
wants to apologize.

Yeah. Okay, okay,
I'll see you soon.

-All right, man.
-[Janine] Yes.

-That's what...
-See who soon?

-Floyd. Mm.
-Floyd!

That no-good
old scallywag.

Yeah, he said
he wanted to apologize.

Okay, so he finally come
to his senses, huh?

-[Janine] Mm-hmm.
-Good.

-What's that?
-Cookies.

[Curtis] Give me one
of them cookies.

-Where's my baby?
-Hey. He's right there.

Hey, sweetheart.

Daddy told me
that you threw up.

Are you feeling okay?

My tummy still hurts.

What is this?
What?

You are sweating. Fever.

Okay, let's move this.
Let's move this.

[sighs] Come here.

Let Momma sing you
the sick song.

♪ Hush, little baby
Don't say a word ♪

♪ Momma's gonna buy you
a mocking bird ♪

You know,
you pretty good at that.

Let's take you in your room

and let's get you
some good rest, okay?

All right. Let's go, baby.
Come on. Come on.

Make sure
you take that trash can.

We got it.

Sweetheart.

You know, I love my son.

But I am out of sick days.

Okay.

You know, watching you in action
is amazing.

I kind of forget
how good of a team we made.

Team, I am the one
who is taking care of Christian.

What are you doing?

Fumigating.

All right, well,
he is all settled.

Just give me a call
if you need me, okay?

Wait, wait, wait,
you can't leave.

Why not?
What do you mean?

Once somebody throws up,
there's usually more coming.

I don't know.

Come on, come on,
just, like, an hour or two.

Please?
For Christian.

For Christian.

Thank you.

[both sighing tiredly]

[Calvin] It has been
a long week.

Mm, for me too.

All right.

I'm gonna have some wine.
You want some?

I'm good, thanks.

Cool.

There we go.
Coming up.

-Here you go.
-Wait, what is this?

I said, "I'm good, thanks."

Oh, I thought you said,
"Sounds good, thanks."

Well, I'm not gonna throw it
out, so cheers.

You're the worst.

You know, we have had
some pretty good memories

-in this condo.
-[Calvin] Mm-hmm.

Some of them not so good.

Most of them good.

Starting when I carried you
across the threshold.

Okay, I don't know
if that memory

is as good as you think it was.

What, a strapping groom
carrying his bride

into his castle
like a conquering hero?

That don't sound like
a good memory to you?

That does.
That sounds amazing.

But you and I both know
that is not how it happened.

Okay, let's not talk about
how it really happened.

Oh, no, no, no.
Let's talk about it.

Let's talk about how
you picked me up,

your back went out,

and you almost dropped me
on my head.

Wait, I hurt my back
playing ball with my boys.

I just didn't wanna
disappoint you

on your wedding night.

So you almost had us
spending our wedding night

in the emergency room,
you conquering hero, you.

Admit it, that was
a good memory, though.

Okay, it was pretty good.

We got a lot of those.

You remember that night
on the living room floor?

Nope.

Nope, and I'm not gonna
remember that night

right now, no.

Oh, get your mind
out the gutter.

I'm talking about
a couple of weeks

when we brought Christian home.

Mm, yeah, I do remember that.

Yeah, he was so fussy
that night.

Yeah, and you, uh,
you brought him in here

so that I could get
some sleep.

Yeah, you ended up
coming out here

and spending the night
with us.

[Miranda] I did.

I always got my best sleep
when we were all together.

Yeah, so did Christian.

Especially, when you were
singing him a song.

♪ Hush, little baby
Don't say a word ♪

♪ Momma's gonna buy you
a mocking bird ♪

You gotta learn
the words.

I do.

I remember making you
a promise that night.

Me too.

You promised that, um,
you would love me forever.

Forever and ever.

[sighs] Well, um,
[clears throat]

we did have some great memories.

And, you know, it's probably
time for me to go. Yeah.

Look, Miranda,
don't go.

Listen, Christian is fine.

Bye, Calvin.

Okay, what you waiting on,
Floyd?

I'm waiting
on your apology.

My apology?

Yes, that's what C.J. Said.

You supposed
to apologize.

What?

Yeah, uh, sorry
about that, fellas.

See, if Janine and I were gonna
get you guys back together,

we had to get you both

in the same place
at the same time.

-Right.
-Oh, hell to the nah.

So C.J. just played us.

No. No. C.J. didn't play you.
He just tried to help you.

We don't need your help!

We don't need your help,
we don't need your help! Okay?

We broke up as business partners
and it's a done deal.

Well, you had
such a good thing going.

I mean, you don't wanna
just throw it all away

just over one
little petty argument, right?

[both] Wrong.

We didn't have
just one petty argument.

We argued
about the business all the time.

We have what you call
irre, irre...

-"Irreconcilable."
-Differences.

And look it up.
It's a thing.

Yeah, I think you might need
to look that up.

See, what happens
is that we decided

to break up
our business relationship

so we wouldn't ruin
our friendship.

Oh, okay, well, then
you're still friends.

That's good.

We will always be friends.

We just get mad at each other
all the time.

Right.

Because he put barbecue sauce
purposely on my chef jacket.

You still on that?

You know what? C.J., I'm glad
you asked me over today.

Yes. Yes, that is the energy.
That's the spirit, Floyd.

So you two
can kiss and make up.

Oh, no, it's so I can take back
everything that I paid for

in this business.

Yep, all this here.

Like what?

Like this spatula.

Oh, no, me and this spatula
been together too long.

This my common-law spatula.

Well, what about this grill?

[gasps]

How you gonna take
a man's whole grill?

Technically, technically,

let's just, let's just bring
the law in it.

You know, not my rules.
Just what the government says.

If he contributed
to the joint account,

he is entitled.

This is well within his rights.

I don't remember you
passing the bar, ma'am.

Worry about less.

Yeah, you [indistinct]
I get visitation rights.

How about that?

Visitation rights?
I want full custody.

-Joint custody.
-Joint?

Yeah, yeah, you can have
on weekdays.

I get on weekends.

Don't nobody grill
on no weekday.

You don't grill
on any day, Floyd.

You not a master griller, Floyd,
like myself.

There's a select group
and you are not one of us.

And I don't wanna be
one of y'all.

Matter of fact, y'all all
selfish and egotistical.

-And you know what else I am?
-[Floyd] What?

-Not your friend.
-That part.

I'm good with that.
You have a nice life, Curtis.

I already got one.

I'll wash my hands
of you, brother.

It's not my concern
or my business anymore

to be concerned about you.

-Hey, hey.
-What's happening, Calvin?

-Oh! My man.
-[Junior] What's up?

[C.J.] What's going on,
Junior.

I just dropped Christian off
at Miranda's.

He's feeling much better.

Ah, man, 24-hour bug?
That's good?

Yeah, and Junior wanted to come
over and play with his cousins.

-I did.
-[Calvin] Yeah.

You did.
Now go find them.

Yeah, they out back, playing.

But I'm hungry.

Jazzy made some cookies.
They're nice and soft.

Oh, uh, I like mind crispy.

Keep your voice down, man.

Hey, Junior, uh,
it's almost lunchtime.

Go play with your cousins

and I'll take you somewhere
to eat in a minute.

Ugh.

Boy.

[chuckles] My man,
he getting big, man.

These kids.

What you wanna talk about, man?

Me? Nothing.

Come on, man.
I know you.

I know you wanna come here
for some of my expert advice.

But you worried
that I'm gonna judge you.

No, I'm not worried exactly.
It's just...

-No, you...
-Okay, I'm worried

that you gonna judge me.

Yeah, you right to worry.

'Cause I'm definitely
gonna judge you.

But, seriously, C.J.,
I, uh,

I realized something last night.

Now, I love Laura.

You just realized this
last night.

I mean, you're literally
planning a wedding.

Now, I know.
I love her, but it's just...

Can I tell you something
about Miranda

between me and you?

[C.J.] What's that?

Okay, so we were talking
and reminiscing

and I realized, man,
it hit me

that, uh,
that I still love her.

But I love Laura.
I love them both.

You still love
your ex-wife. Are you crazy?

Are you?

No. I'm happily married.

To your ex-wife.

They the same broad, man.

No, but you and Janine,
you got a divorce,

went off
your separate ways,

grew separately,

and now you're remarried
and happier than ever.

Yeah. Happier than ever.

Well, what I'm saying is
Miranda and I,

we're not the same people
we were when we got divorced.

I mean, I've grown.
She's changed too.

And now she's patient,
she's kind,

and she still has my back
even though we're not together.

[sighs] Man, I can't tell you
what's in your heart,

but, uh, man, you gotta
figure this out fast

before you make the biggest
mistake of your life ever.

Man, that got intense.

Yeah, um, see, that's why
I have a bone to pick with you.

-With me?
-[C.J.] Yeah.

'Cause I can't believe
you sided with Floyd.

Baby, what's not to believe?
Floyd was right.

There ain't no way
Floyd could take

Uncle Curtis entire grill.
That is just crazy.

Floyd contributed his money
to the business.

Curtis doesn't get
to keep everything

just because he stored it
at his house.

Now that's crazy.

Okay, okay, all right.

I'm not gonna argue with you
about this tonight.

Good. Good. All right.

'Cause I believe you might be
starting menopause, baby.

[Janine laughs sarcastically]

No, I think me and you
better pause

is what's going on.

You know,
it starts around this age.

You know what?
I'm younger than you.

So say what you want.

Two years.

Seriously, though...

We been on this journey...

[both] A long time.

-Long time. Long, long...
-Yeah.

Uh, we said long. We said it
once. Once was enough.

-Long time.
-It was good.

Yeah.

And even with the glitches
and the fights,

and the things, I wouldn't trade
it for the world.

That's your opportunity
to agree.

No, that's, that's,
that's a good thought.

Okay.

But you know,
some of them glitches,

you know,
I was thinking about something.

I saw this
little red Corvette.

Uh-huh?

And I might trade you in
for one of those.

You might trade me in
for one of those.

That was, that thing, ooh,
that's nice.

Well, see, in order
for that to happen,

-you have to have a pulse.
-Oh. Oh.

-You gonna choke me?
-Is that one gray hair?

-You gonna kill me?
-Yes. Yes.

No, baby.

I am getting tired
of you disrespecting me.

Now, when I say you...

Look, did you
just slam my door?

You heard it, didn't you?

Junior, you don't
slam doors in my house.

Now I am the adult
and you will respect me, okay?

You don't walk in here,
slamming doors, Junior!

Do you hear me?

You're not perfect either.

Junior, I don't
have to be perfect

to be your father.

Your job is to listen
to what I say!

Okay?

-You're playing two women!
-[Calvin] What?

[Junior] Miranda.
You love her.

You're supposed to be
getting married to Laura soon.

Make it make sense.

Junior, why were you
eavesdropping on me?

That was an adult conversation

and you had no place
in that conversation!

You're always tell me
to tell the truth,

but you're lying to them.

Junior, go to your room.

Don't be kicking
the furniture in here!

[knocking on door]
[Officer] Police, open up.

We got a domestic
disturbance call.