All language subtitles for Tyler.Perrys.House.of.Payne.S13E01.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

Junior, don't you ever run away
from me like that again.

Listen to me.

Hold on, hold on. Hold on.

Everybody go to
their neutral corners, okay?

All right.

Now, Calvin, man,
Uncle Curtis told me

you guys were going through it,
man.

I swung by to see
if everything was okay.

I see you chasing him
down the street.

He just ran out, just took off.

Why would he run
down the street like that?

I don't know, Junior, why would
you do something like that?

-I don't know.
-You don't know?

Junior, what's, what's up, man?

I wanna go home.

What, because I put you
on punishment?

No, you took my games away.
They're mine, not yours.

So why do you think your dad
took your games away?

Because I threw the keys
at my mom.

You did what?

It was an accident.

Yeah, it didn't sound
like no accident.

Your mom said you picked up
the keys,

threw them
and hit her in the face.

That don't sound
like an accident to me.

I don't care
if you don't believe me.

Like, I wanna go home.

-I'm out of here.
-No.

You gonna go to your room.

You need to listen to your dad.

[both sighing]

Man, Calvin, you okay?

What's going on with him?

I don't understand why that boy
is so angry.

[music]

Hey, thanks for the invite, C.J.

Coming over here
is good for Junior.

Yeah, man, the twins love it

when their big cousin Junior
comes over.

Hey, by the way,
y'all good, cuzzo?

'Cause Junior look like
somebody stole his cornbread.

He still ain't talking to me.

Wow, this new generation
something else, huh?

Uh, the new generation?

Your generation is the same.

And why is he allowed
to not talk to you?

Right. Man up, cuz.

It's just hard, man.

Yeah, who you telling?

A wise man once told me,

parenting is not a sprint,
it's a marathon.

Pops told you that too, huh?

[laughing]

Oh, Uncle Curtis?
I thought a wise man said it.

He said that to me
a million times.

I lean on it every day.

-Aunt Ella.
-Mm-hmm?

Hey, the baby is down.

Oh, she been down, baby.

But you know me.

I had to just get my daily fix

and just stare
at the little angel

for a little while.
[clicking tongue baby talk]

She don't smell like no angel.

Don't talk about
my baby like that.

Sorry about that smell, Aunty.

Well, that's the thing
about children.

It's never sweet-smelling roses
all the time.

First, it's dirty diapers.

Then it's temper tantrums.

And then when puberty comes,

it's "Jesus, take the wheel."

Oh, my God, Junior hasn't even
hit puberty yet.

You mean it's gonna get worse?

A lot.

Then they graduate. [sighs]

And they move back in.

Just when you think
you out of the woods,

they move back in

with their woman
and they newborn.

I am still in the room, Dad.

It's okay

because the good
far outweighs the bad.

Believe that.

You listening, Calvin?

Oh, yeah. I'm just trying

to get out of this rough patch
I'm in with Junior.

But I think I got
a game plan, though.

What are you thinking?

Well, Pops said I need to spend
some more quality time with him,

so I'm taking him
to the movies after this.

Oh, the department gets
a lot of free tickets.

Let me get you some.

Oh, that'll be helpful.

[C.J.] Yeah, yeah.

Well, I gotta go get ready.
I got a meeting.

But I hope everything
works out, cuz.

-Thank you.
-Mm-hmm.

[Jazmine] Love y'all.
Bye, see ya.

Love you, baby. Calvin.

Hm-hmm.

Don't take the baby
to the movies.

Why not?

Well, one thing
your dad and I learned

is the most valuable time
you can spend with your children

is time
that doesn't cost a dime.

Now it's this big ol' puzzle
as to why

Junior is having
the anger issues.

Mm, I've asked him
a million times

why he's so angry,
and he's told me

"I don't know"
a million and one.

That's because he doesn't
trust you yet.

You've got to earn his trust.

Then he will open up.

And trust only builds
through quality time.

Okay, so what would you suggest.

Oh, I got the perfect thing

that's gonna have him talking
in no time.

-Chap, chap, chap.
-[scoffs] Okay.

-I do.
-We'll see.

What's happening, sizzle?

For sizzle, all right.

Hey, brother,
I got some great news, man.

What, all those emails
I sent my congressman

finally worked?

And vegan food
is against the law?

No, better than that, brother.

Lookit, you know how we had
that discussion

about how we were tired of being

just a mediocre
local barbecue sauce brand?

You mean the talk we have
every weekend?

Mm-hmm.

And then I go back to watching
the Falcon game

and you go to sleep
on the couch?

Drooling all over
Ella's good pillow.

I always flip it over, don't I?

-Thank you.
-[Floyd] But, look,

I just made a move

to where we can actually move
our sauce

to be at the BBQ big leagues,
brother.

Yeah, now, you remember Sullivan
down there at the Shop-and-Hock?

Yeah, that's where you found
that lemon of a food truck.

Well, his sister's best friend,
Julie,

is the station manager down at
the local TV station.

Floyd, I don't wanna hear
about no more cooking shows.

Okay, I told you,

I do not give away
my barbecue secrets for free.

Look, hear me out.

Let's just say we are cooking.

And we happen to use
Wipe Me Down sauce,

and then we just happen
to casually mention

how amazing the sauce is.

Okay, so we talking about a show

-that's really a front...
-Uh-huh.

[Curtis] For me to get
free advertisement

to the entirety
of the United States?

Uh, well, actually,

it's a local access cable show.

It's like on channel 947,000.

Okay, so we talking about a show
that's a front

for me to get
free advertisement...

[Floyd] Come on.

To the entirety
of that one parent

of that baby little baby kid

who keeps hitting random buttons
on the remote?

But, brother, it is still
an excellent opportunity.

So if we show up and show out,

there may be a major network

that'll pick us up, and, bam,

Wipe Me Down goes nationwide.

-Nationwide?
-[Floyd] Nationwide.

Try worldwide, Floyd.

Okay, okay, okay.
Well, why stop there?

My sauce could end up in
the space station refrigerator.

-You better speak it.
-You heard me?

Wipe Me Down
to infinity and beyond!

[Floyd] Yeah. Wow.

You know, it's kind of funny.

You know, you mentioned
a lot of "me" and "mine" a lot.

You know,
it's actually our sauce.

I'm the OG sauce boss.

-Floyd.
-Okay.

-I tell you what you need to do.
-What's that?

You need to go call
that station manager.

Okay.

-Baby girl's warming up.
-Okay.

We need to get it done asap.

-So we can do it then.
-We can do it.

[Floyd] All right.

-Oh. Hey, Miranda.
-Hey.

When did you get here?

Um, C.J. texted me and said

that the cousins
were having a playdate,

so I brought Christian over.

We got here
and he bum-rushed the gate,

so [smacks lips] here I am.

Here you are.

So I just, you know, figured
I'd pop in

and say hi before I left.

Hi.

So, um, how are you?

I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?

I mean, no reason.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yes, why, what's going on?

Okay, so I was on social media

and I saw that Laura

is no longer wearing
her engagement ring.

Damn.

Yes, and so, what I know

is no woman posts something
on social media by accident,

especially when she poses
like this and this and this.

What happened?

Laura called off
the engagement last night.

What? Why?

I have no idea.

What did she say?

She left me a dear John letter
and she blocked my number.

[gasp] She didn't.

And she also blocked me
from social media too, so...

Oh, you must've really stepped
in it this time.

But that's the thing. I didn't.

I have no clue what happened.

Well, you are in luck

because I have a PHD
in scorned women.

So I will read it
and I will translate it for you.

-Let me see.
-Okay, cool,

but it's back at the condo.

Oh, well, I can come by later
and help you

get to the bottom of it
if you want me to.

Miranda, thank you
for doing this for me.

Yes, you are welcome,
but this is also for me

because this is
entirely too juicy

and I want all of the tea.

Of course.

Hey, son, you having fun
out there with your cousins?

It's all right.

I hope you got some magic
in that bag

'cause he still ain't
talking to me.

You know I don't do no magic.

All right, son.

The child is not allowed
to not speak to the parent.

Where you learn that?

I don't know, I just don't feel
like talking sometimes, Grandma.

Well, you better get
to feeling like it.

And what I have in this bag
is guaranteed

to make people want to talk
to one another.

Is it a video game?

Oh, it's better
than a video game.

What's better than a video game?

Ooh, lots of things are better
than a video game,

including this.

What's that?

This, my dear,
is a jigsaw puzzle.

Oh, come on, I ain't do
no stupid puzzle.

Aw.

Uh-uh, let him do it.

Take the puzzle out.

There's no picture on the box.

That's the mystery of it.

How are you supposed
to put it together

when you don't know what
it's supposed to look like?

The mystery. The mystery
is part of the fun.

Here, let's start
with these edge pieces.

[Ella] Oh, that's right.

Now, it's too hard
to solve a puzzle

and solve a mystery by starting
at the heart of it.

The best way
is to start with the edges.

And then, with patience,

you work your way to the middle,

and then, before you know it,

the big picture comes together.

This is so boring.

Is that one
of Aunty Ella's puzzles?

-Yes.
-Boring.

-See?
-Jazmine.

You know, you have
the worst timing sometimes.

Oh, my bad.

Don't listen to Jazmine.

Puzzles are fun.

For who?

Junior, this is an activity

that gives us space to talk,

tell stories.

Me and your dad, and Jazmine,

used to do puzzles all the time.

Oh, yeah, Junior,

puzzles are
a good ol' giggety time.

Junior, used to do puzzles
every Sunday after church.

Too bad for you.

Oh, Calvin, do you remember
when Sister Gladys asked you,

"Do you pray before dinner?"

Pops laughed so hard he snorted
his sweet tea out his nose.

Oh, wait, this story
actually is funny.

[Junior] What'd he say?

Well, Sister Gladys asked,
she was like,

"Do you, uh, do you pray
before your dinner?"

I said, "I don't have to because
my momma is a good cook."

-And that's true, right?
-[Junior] Mm-hmm.

Hello out there in TV land.

And welcome to my show,

What's Cookin' With Floyd.

Uh. [clears throat]

What, you forgot somebody?

Where's my name?

I'm Floyd.

Aka the one who set this up.

Okay, I see you.
I see you, Floyd.

All right, so, uh, this is
my co-host, Curtis.

Aka the cook.

So what are we cooking today,
Curtis?

Well, today, Floyd,
we ain't cooking jack.

Curtis is cooking
a big juicy slab

of pork ribs.

Follow me.

It's time to season the meat.

[Floyd] All right.

Okay.

What are we seasoning it
with today?

Well, today, Floyd,

we ain't seasoning nothing.

Curtis will be seasoning

with his sweet and tangy
barbecue Wipe Me Down sauce.

[indistinct bickering]

I got this. You do that.

The Wipe Me Down sauce
goes right on the meat, y'all.

-Okay.
-Sweet and tangy sauce

and you can't be shy with it.

Don't be shy.

'Cause it's like the song said,

"Never too much, never too much,
never too much."

And that's too, too, too much!

Right. Inventory.

Uh, hello, everybody out there
in TV land.

I just wanted you to know

that I, alone, by myself,

created Wipe Me Down
barbecue sauce.

Didn't had no help.

I created it
from a family recipe

and I tweaked it all myself.

Put a little, I prayed over it.

-Is that right?
-And I made it work.

In fact, just a little trivia
for you:

he didn't even come on board
till after the fact,

okay, to ride on my coattail.

-Ride on your coattails?
-Yes.

Bruh, I took this

little raggedy, flea market-type
condiment

which is nothing
but ol' bootleg ketchup

and made it a cuisine condiment.

-"Bootleg condiment"?
-Yes, bootleg.

Then what is
a bootleg condiment,

I got your bootleg condiment...

Wait a minute...
[chuckles nervously]

I got your condiment
in your bootleg.

Hold on, hold... Ms. Julie.

Ms. Julie? Ms. Julie?

Damn. She hung up.

So what that mean?

That means you messed up.

Like goodbye, cooking show,

to hello, mediocrity,
our old friend.

What, I messed up? What you
talking about I messed up?

You the one got your name
all over the show

like some egomaniac.

Look, I, you don't never
give me no credit, Curtis.

I just thought
this was an opportunity

for me to finally get
my chance to shine.

That's all.

Floyd, what the hell
you want me to do?

Put your face on the bottle?

Would you do that?

Hell, no.

But what I will do,

I will say I really appreciate
your hard work.

And being a vital member
of the Wipe Me Down family.

And I appreciate that.

Big homie, thank you
for everything you do.

Yes, business partner. Yes.

Uh, look, um,
so you know what that means.

It means that we're
equal partners, right?

-We're equal partners, Floyd.
-Thank you.

Come on, brother,
don't you know, man,

this business
would've never gotten

as far as it's gotten
without your expertise.

Okay.

And we damn sure can't go
where we're headed

without you.

Let's just go inside

and let's get
a step-by-step plan

so we can take this sauce

to the top of the sauce world.

-We can do that. I like that.
-Mm-hmm. Can we do that?

I like that idea, Floyd.

[Floyd] All right, all right.

Hey, well, you do know

the Falcon game
is about to start?

Yeah, I know,

but I'm real serious
about this plan, though.

-I am too. I am too.
-Okay, well, good then. Okay.

I'm serious. But look here,

just while you coming up
with this great plan...

Uh-huh?

Please put a napkin
on Ella's pillow.

Just in case.

Okay, I cannot believe

that Laura called off
the engagement.

Let me see this letter.

See if you can make
some sense of it.

All right, here we go.

"Calvin, you are not ready
for someone like me.

I'm calling off
our impending marriage.

You need to figure out
if you want Mir..."

Miranda? Wait, how did I
end up in this?

I mean, we have a kid.
We were married once, but...

You're preaching to the choir.

"You need to figure out
if you want Miranda

or Destiny or whoever else
you've been hiding."?

Okay, Calvin, hold on.

Who is Destiny?

Don't ask me.

Well, if I knew Destiny,
I would ask her, but I don't.

Are you cheating on Laura?

No, I don't know any Destiny.

Okay, so we can't ask Laura

because she's not talking to you
and she's blocked you.

And I can't ask her
because, if I ask her,

then she's gonna know
that we talked

and then she's gonna feel
some kind of way about that too.

That she definitely will.

[Miranda] [sighing] Okay.

So, you know what? Maybe this is
what we're gonna do.

Let's look on her social media

and see if there are any clues.

Okay, come on, let's look.

Well, I'm blocked.

All right, let me see.
[exhales loudly]

Wait a minute.

She blocked me too.

Damn. This is a big ol' mess.

I mean, she's literally
erasing me

and anybody associated with me
out of her life.

Okay, listen.
Listen, listen, listen.

Have no fear.

Detective Miranda is here.

You know, every girl has
a dummy account

to do
a little Internet stalking.

Wait, did you use
a dummy account to stalk me?

No comment.

Um, so, listen,

I'm gonna need your laptop
because it's just too much.

I don't wanna have to logout
of my real account,

then have to login
to the dummy account,

then log back
into the real account.

It's just entirely too much.

So let me see
your computer, okay?

Okay, uh, I haven't been on it
since Friday, but, uh...

Here. There you go.

Whoo. Oh, look at you.
I'm so proud of you.

You got your little password
taped right here.

I'm loving
all this transparency.

I told you,
I got nothing to hide.

[Miranda] Mm-hmm.

You absolutely have
something to hide.

"Ecstasy is your destiny"?
Really?

You're on this
little hookup site,

hooking up
with the Internet thots.

No, I've never been on the...

You're on the site, Calvin.

-Oh, damn.
-[Miranda] What?

Son of a...

Hold on.

Peanut.

Hey, what was the name
of that dating site chick

that you hooked up with
last night?

Destiny with the apple booty.
Yeah. That's it.

Wait, let me speak.

Do you still have
that see-through app

that records from your doorbell?

What?

You already watched it 10 times

'cause you and Destiny did
your thang on that Dang?

Okay, wait, no.

Stop, stop, stop.

Please, spare me the details.

But I need that footage.

No, not for me, fool.

I don't get down like that.

Look, look, please,
shoot me that footage

and also take some screenshots
of your texts with Destiny.

Look, I'll explain
everything later.

Peanut, please don't forget.
This is life or death for me.

Okay, thank you.
I appreciate it. Be breezy.

Life or death? Really?

Yes, Miranda. Really.

My relationship with Laura
is life or death for me.

[sighs] Okay.

So even if you get the proof,

how exactly are you
gonna get it to her?

'Cause she's not talking to you.

Well, I don't know,

but at least I know
what the problem is.

Now I can fix it
and get my girl back.

Look, Miranda, thank you
for always having my back.

Always.

-Hey, Junior.
-[Junior] Yeah?

Thanks for rolling
with your pops

to the hardware store.

You think, tomorrow, you wanna
roll with me

to get my car washed?

Well, I have to go back
to Mom's tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, well, I'll call her
to make sure it's okay

that I pick you up
and then drop you off after.

-Shouldn't take that long.
-Okay.

Cool. [door knocking]

What the hell?

[Junior] A present?
Is it for me?

It says it's for the both of us.

Here, come help me open it.

[Junior] Oh, it's the puzzle
we did today.

[Calvin] Mm.

[Junior] It's nice.

[Ella] Piece by piece,

the puzzle comes together.

Love Grandma.

Sick.

[music]

[music]

[music]