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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,281 --> 00:00:07,600
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,651 --> 00:00:11,070
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,137 --> 00:00:14,023
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,107 --> 00:00:17,643
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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# Family Guy 10x15 #
Burning Down the Bayit
Original Air Date on March 4, 2012
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00:00:31,012 --> 00:00:35,012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:36,493 --> 00:00:39,076
Oh, my God, Brian, I went
to a baby rave last night.
13
00:00:39,079 --> 00:00:40,179
Dropped a
Flintstones chewable.
14
00:00:40,247 --> 00:00:41,414
It was a purple Betty.
15
00:00:41,482 --> 00:00:42,615
I was flyin'!
16
00:00:42,683 --> 00:00:44,067
I was up till
like... like...
17
00:00:44,134 --> 00:00:45,601
I don't even
know how late.
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00:00:45,669 --> 00:00:47,854
Like, when I came home,
The Mentalist was still on.
19
00:00:47,921 --> 00:00:48,955
Like, that's how late.
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00:00:49,023 --> 00:00:50,373
Morning, family.
Anyone needs me,
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00:00:50,441 --> 00:00:52,942
I'll be out in the yard
using my new riding mower.
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00:00:53,010 --> 00:00:54,811
A riding mower?
For God's sakes,
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00:00:54,878 --> 00:00:56,913
stop making all these
frivolous purchases.
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00:00:56,980 --> 00:00:58,514
You just blew
all that money
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00:00:58,582 --> 00:01:00,767
hiring that English-
to-raccoon translator.
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00:01:05,906 --> 00:01:07,607
Don't need a translator
for that one.
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00:01:07,674 --> 00:01:09,876
Tell him to come back when
he's ready to act like an adult.
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00:01:14,214 --> 00:01:15,615
Hey, what's up, Quagmire?
29
00:01:15,682 --> 00:01:17,483
Oh, there's the
sound of the birds.
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00:01:17,551 --> 00:01:18,985
I thought they
all disappeared,
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00:01:19,053 --> 00:01:20,920
because all I could
hear was a lawnmower.
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00:01:20,988 --> 00:01:22,055
Oh, and what's that?
33
00:01:22,122 --> 00:01:23,389
The wind in the trees!
34
00:01:23,457 --> 00:01:24,657
Good-- that
still exists.
35
00:01:24,725 --> 00:01:26,426
What are you doing there,
planting some flowers?
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00:01:26,493 --> 00:01:28,561
Hey, look, why don't you
go bother Joe, huh?
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00:01:28,629 --> 00:01:30,296
I can't. He's in Vegas
for the weekend,
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00:01:30,364 --> 00:01:32,331
seeing that handicapped
Cher impersonator.
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00:01:32,399 --> 00:01:36,602
♪ If I could turn back time ♪
40
00:01:36,670 --> 00:01:40,356
♪ If I could find a way... ♪
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00:01:40,424 --> 00:01:43,192
Yeah! We all want
to turn back time!
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00:01:43,277 --> 00:01:46,179
This is the biggest
sitting ovation I've ever seen!
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00:01:49,149 --> 00:01:50,983
Damn it, where the hell
did I put that?
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00:01:51,051 --> 00:01:52,268
What are you
looking for, Brian?
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00:01:52,336 --> 00:01:54,020
That steak bone you
gave me last night.
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I can't remember what
the hell I did with it.
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00:01:56,190 --> 00:01:57,473
Didn't you
bring it outside?
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00:02:02,112 --> 00:02:03,846
Holy crap! Quagmire,
you all right?
49
00:02:03,914 --> 00:02:05,281
No, I'm not all right!
50
00:02:05,349 --> 00:02:07,150
My head's gushing
blood, you idiot!
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Take your hand away.
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00:02:08,552 --> 00:02:11,587
Oh, boy! All right,
hold still, Quagmire.
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00:02:12,512 --> 00:02:14,437
Oh, my God, a piece
of your brain came out!
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00:02:14,441 --> 00:02:15,792
Aah! Well, that
can't be good!
55
00:02:15,859 --> 00:02:17,260
Well, maybe
it's not so bad.
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00:02:17,327 --> 00:02:19,212
I can feed it
to my pet zombie.
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00:02:19,279 --> 00:02:20,713
Here you go.
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00:02:20,781 --> 00:02:22,615
Yeah, you're hungry,
aren't ya?
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00:02:22,683 --> 00:02:23,966
He was a rescue.
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00:02:24,034 --> 00:02:26,636
When I found him,
he was just walking face-first
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00:02:26,703 --> 00:02:28,337
into a chain-link fence
downtown.
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00:02:32,409 --> 00:02:34,193
All right, almost
done here, Glenn.
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00:02:34,261 --> 00:02:36,129
There we are,
all finished.
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00:02:36,196 --> 00:02:37,897
Well, look at this.
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00:02:37,965 --> 00:02:39,765
Look what happened.
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00:02:39,833 --> 00:02:42,237
Well, by the laws of
comedy, you and I have
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00:02:42,238 --> 00:02:43,415
to be roommates now.
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00:02:43,420 --> 00:02:45,538
That's hilarious, Doc.
All right, here we go.
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00:02:45,606 --> 00:02:48,024
Now, I'm going to prescribe
a course of antibiotics
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00:02:48,091 --> 00:02:50,576
and some painkillers and...
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00:02:50,644 --> 00:02:51,978
Hey, Elmer.
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00:02:52,045 --> 00:02:54,147
Hey.
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00:02:54,214 --> 00:02:55,748
She sucks.
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00:02:59,636 --> 00:03:01,320
Okay, Quagmire, before
we get your prescription,
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00:03:01,388 --> 00:03:02,555
let's grab some bandages.
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00:03:02,623 --> 00:03:04,423
God, this is such
an East Coast pharmacy.
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00:03:04,491 --> 00:03:06,771
How are we gonna find
gauze and bandages in the
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00:03:06,796 --> 00:03:07,960
middle of all this crap?
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00:03:07,961 --> 00:03:09,984
Uh, I think he keeps them
next to the thousand-piece
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00:03:10,009 --> 00:03:11,209
puzzle of a lobster trap.
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00:03:11,265 --> 00:03:13,666
I don't see it. You mean,
next to the Kadima paddles,
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00:03:13,734 --> 00:03:16,469
or next to the basic black
sweatshirt with no writing on it?
83
00:03:16,537 --> 00:03:18,033
No, I think they're over
there between the rain
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00:03:18,058 --> 00:03:19,639
ponchos and the cap guns
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00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,340
and just below the
balsa wood gliders
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00:03:21,408 --> 00:03:24,010
and the net-bag of flip-flops
and a beach pail.
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00:03:24,077 --> 00:03:25,223
Above the set of jacks?
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00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:28,181
Yes, above the jacks and the
bicentennial playing cards
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00:03:28,182 --> 00:03:30,616
and across from the giant
cage with the beach balls,
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00:03:30,684 --> 00:03:33,152
next to the Wiffle ball bats
and the spark-spitting cars.
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00:03:33,220 --> 00:03:36,088
I don't... Oh, next to the
wax bottles of weird juice.
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00:03:36,156 --> 00:03:39,125
Yes, behind the plastic bag of
Mexican soldiers from the Alamo
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00:03:39,193 --> 00:03:40,893
and the Super Elastic
Bubble Plastic.
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00:03:40,961 --> 00:03:42,328
Oh, yeah, I got 'em.
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00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:43,663
Hey, Mort.
How's it going?
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00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:45,147
Oh, it's awful, Peter!
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00:03:45,215 --> 00:03:46,048
Why? What's the matter?
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00:03:46,116 --> 00:03:47,517
The pharmacy's going under.
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00:03:47,584 --> 00:03:49,352
I can barely pay my bills.
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00:03:49,419 --> 00:03:51,721
I can't even afford
the real pharmacy music.
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00:03:51,788 --> 00:03:54,040
That's just me up there. Listen.
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00:03:54,107 --> 00:03:56,035
♪ If this is it, ooh, wah,
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00:03:56,060 --> 00:03:58,301
please let me know #
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00:03:58,812 --> 00:04:02,548
♪ If this ain't love,
you better just say so ♪
105
00:04:02,616 --> 00:04:04,050
♪ If this is it... ♪
106
00:04:04,117 --> 00:04:06,385
They say I've got
Jewish honey in my voice.
107
00:04:06,453 --> 00:04:08,054
Jewish honey is mucus.
108
00:04:08,121 --> 00:04:09,605
But I thought you made
a lot of money here.
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00:04:09,673 --> 00:04:11,774
I used to,
but it's all gone downhill
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00:04:11,842 --> 00:04:13,376
since Muriel died.
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00:04:13,443 --> 00:04:15,545
She could get away
with overcharging people,
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00:04:15,629 --> 00:04:18,064
because they were always
mentally undressing her
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00:04:18,131 --> 00:04:19,498
and then re-dressing her
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00:04:19,566 --> 00:04:21,801
once they saw
the horrible mess underneath.
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00:04:21,868 --> 00:04:24,537
But in that interval,
she robbed them blind.
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00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:28,808
Ooh.
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00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:30,042
Well, look, uh,
I don't know,
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00:04:30,110 --> 00:04:31,277
maybe there's
something we can do
119
00:04:31,345 --> 00:04:32,745
to help you drum up
some business.
120
00:04:32,813 --> 00:04:33,846
You know, get
the word out.
121
00:04:33,914 --> 00:04:34,981
Like what?
122
00:04:35,048 --> 00:04:37,233
Hey, you just
leave that to us.
123
00:04:42,506 --> 00:04:45,408
♪ ♪
124
00:04:53,717 --> 00:04:55,668
Is opening and closing
the cash register
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00:04:55,736 --> 00:04:57,603
a bunch of times
helping business yet?
126
00:04:57,671 --> 00:04:59,472
No.
Okay, then we'll do other stuff.
127
00:05:01,241 --> 00:05:03,142
Okay, Mort, now, if you
want to get more customers
128
00:05:03,210 --> 00:05:05,077
in your pharmacy, you're
gonna have to do a promotion,
129
00:05:05,145 --> 00:05:07,113
like... like
"buy one, get one free."
130
00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:09,115
What?
Buy one, get one free.
131
00:05:09,182 --> 00:05:10,416
Huh?
Buy one...
132
00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:12,218
Yeah, I get that.
Get one free.
133
00:05:12,286 --> 00:05:14,453
Is that, like, a Spanish word?
No, it's English.
134
00:05:14,521 --> 00:05:15,592
The whole thing's English.
135
00:05:15,617 --> 00:05:17,155
Oh, 'cause it seems
like you're saying
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00:05:17,157 --> 00:05:19,892
the first part in English
and then some kind of made-up
137
00:05:19,943 --> 00:05:21,811
pha-lumpf-phalumpf
or something in the second part.
138
00:05:21,878 --> 00:05:23,165
I don't understand you.
139
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,130
All right, let me try
explaining it another way.
140
00:05:25,132 --> 00:05:26,832
Let's say we're at
someone else's store,
141
00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:29,602
and there's a sign, and it says:
"Buy one, get one free."
142
00:05:29,670 --> 00:05:31,137
Get one free? Wow!
143
00:05:31,204 --> 00:05:32,972
What store are
you talking about?
144
00:05:36,426 --> 00:05:39,228
Excuse me, I have been
waiting for my prescription
145
00:05:39,296 --> 00:05:40,730
for 25 minutes!
146
00:05:40,797 --> 00:05:42,632
Oh, I'm really sorry,
Ms. Dumott.
147
00:05:42,699 --> 00:05:44,967
We'll have that filled
for you right away.
148
00:05:45,035 --> 00:05:47,336
Guys, what the hell's
going on back there?
149
00:05:47,404 --> 00:05:50,356
Remember, each pill has
to go into the correct bottle.
150
00:05:53,977 --> 00:05:56,595
Eh, this ain't so hard.
151
00:06:14,948 --> 00:06:18,050
I...
I got a wicked boner.
152
00:06:23,006 --> 00:06:24,306
This was a great
idea, Peter.
153
00:06:24,391 --> 00:06:25,675
We fly this thing
over Providence,
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00:06:25,759 --> 00:06:27,459
it's bound to get people
into the pharmacy.
155
00:06:27,511 --> 00:06:29,061
That's right, bring
in the city folk
156
00:06:29,129 --> 00:06:31,130
with their big money
and their long cigarettes
157
00:06:31,181 --> 00:06:33,015
and their dogs with shoes.
158
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,154
Hey, check it out--
159
00:06:34,179 --> 00:06:36,276
we got a giggity over
there on the 32nd floor.
160
00:06:36,469 --> 00:06:38,521
I'm gonna go in
for a closer look.
161
00:06:39,823 --> 00:06:42,575
Heh-heh, all right!
162
00:06:42,642 --> 00:06:44,476
Quagmire, look out!
163
00:06:44,528 --> 00:06:45,778
Oh, no!
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00:06:49,116 --> 00:06:50,783
Geez, that was a close one!
165
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:52,385
Yeah, but at least
nobody got hurt.
166
00:07:03,363 --> 00:07:05,331
Goldman's Pharmacy!
167
00:07:05,399 --> 00:07:09,502
Now, that could be a good place
to get new shoes for my dog.
168
00:07:15,041 --> 00:07:16,275
Good evening, Quahog.
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00:07:16,343 --> 00:07:18,544
Grim details continue
to roll in at this hour
170
00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:20,946
in the story of the detached
airplane advertising banner
171
00:07:21,014 --> 00:07:23,716
which caused a school bus to
plummet into the Pawtuxet River.
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00:07:23,784 --> 00:07:24,917
That's right, Joyce.
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00:07:24,985 --> 00:07:26,786
Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy
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00:07:26,853 --> 00:07:28,520
made headlinesacross the country
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00:07:28,572 --> 00:07:32,324
after a banner of theirs causedthe bus to drive off a bridge,
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00:07:32,375 --> 00:07:34,410
tragically killingall the teenagers on board.
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00:07:34,494 --> 00:07:36,495
Many of the studentstweeted about the accident
178
00:07:36,546 --> 00:07:37,797
as it was happening.
179
00:07:37,864 --> 00:07:39,048
We have a few here.
180
00:07:39,132 --> 00:07:40,916
From @Jenny94:
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00:07:41,001 --> 00:07:43,436
"Water seriously cold, yo."
182
00:07:43,503 --> 00:07:46,155
Here's @TheTed69:
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00:07:46,223 --> 00:07:49,341
"I'm gonna survive this.LOL jk."
184
00:07:49,409 --> 00:07:51,076
"Jk," indeed.
185
00:07:51,144 --> 00:07:52,678
Oh, God, I'm ruined!
186
00:07:52,746 --> 00:07:55,147
Nobody's ever gonna shop
in my pharmacy again!
187
00:07:55,215 --> 00:07:56,515
I'm gonna lose
everything!
188
00:07:56,583 --> 00:07:58,384
Aw, gosh, Mort,
I feel terrible about this.
189
00:07:58,452 --> 00:08:00,770
I wish there was
some way we could fix it.
190
00:08:00,837 --> 00:08:03,038
You know, my cousin
had the same problem,
191
00:08:03,106 --> 00:08:05,991
but he lucked out, 'cause his
business burned to the ground.
192
00:08:06,059 --> 00:08:08,427
The insurance made him
a very rich man.
193
00:08:08,495 --> 00:08:10,696
Too bad we can't
just torch the pharmacy.
194
00:08:10,764 --> 00:08:12,431
Aw, come on, no,
we can't do that.
195
00:08:12,499 --> 00:08:14,200
That'd be like stealing
from the insurance companies.
196
00:08:14,267 --> 00:08:15,267
It wouldn't be right.
197
00:08:15,335 --> 00:08:16,502
Aw, they're bastards.
198
00:08:16,570 --> 00:08:19,038
Last year, after I lost
my beloved Muriel,
199
00:08:19,105 --> 00:08:22,475
our life insurance company
refused to pay on her policy.
200
00:08:22,542 --> 00:08:24,944
They took what should have been
a pleasant experience
201
00:08:25,011 --> 00:08:26,779
and made it into an ordeal!
202
00:08:26,847 --> 00:08:28,347
Well, that doesn't
totally surprise me.
203
00:08:28,415 --> 00:08:30,449
A friend of mine
staying in my house
204
00:08:30,517 --> 00:08:32,151
got, um, injured,
205
00:08:32,219 --> 00:08:35,221
and my homeowner's insurance
wouldn't pay her doctor bills.
206
00:08:35,288 --> 00:08:39,124
Said the policy didn't cover
an "act of rod."
207
00:08:39,192 --> 00:08:41,293
Yeah, come to think of it,
they wouldn't even pay
208
00:08:41,361 --> 00:08:43,529
for the fetus Lois lost
when we went to visit
209
00:08:43,597 --> 00:08:45,931
the Museum of Staircases
and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.
210
00:08:45,999 --> 00:08:48,200
Yeah, you know, they don't seem
to pay out on anything.
211
00:08:48,268 --> 00:08:50,269
No, not at all, right?
Yeah, that's true, they don't pay.
212
00:08:50,337 --> 00:08:52,204
Well, then I say,
screw the bastards!
213
00:08:52,272 --> 00:08:53,739
Let's burn
the place down!
214
00:08:53,807 --> 00:08:56,175
What?! Peter, we're talking
about a major crime here.
215
00:08:56,243 --> 00:08:59,128
This is not smuggling Oriental
women into the country in steel cans.
216
00:08:59,196 --> 00:09:00,663
This is a serious felony.
217
00:09:00,730 --> 00:09:02,364
Quagmire, this whole
mess was our fault.
218
00:09:02,432 --> 00:09:03,799
We got to make it right.
219
00:09:03,867 --> 00:09:05,701
And, look, as long
as nobody sees us,
220
00:09:05,769 --> 00:09:08,153
and we don't tell anybody,
then we're in the clear.
221
00:09:08,221 --> 00:09:10,990
Well, I guess I did kind of
destroy your business, Mort.
222
00:09:11,057 --> 00:09:13,192
All right, then let's do it--
tomorrow night!
223
00:09:13,260 --> 00:09:15,337
Good. I'm just gonna
have to reschedule my
224
00:09:15,362 --> 00:09:17,056
weekly re-circumcision.
225
00:09:17,264 --> 00:09:19,398
So, what are we doing today,
a little off the top?
226
00:09:19,466 --> 00:09:20,749
Yeah, but leave
a little up front
227
00:09:20,817 --> 00:09:22,434
so I have something to play with.
Sounds good.
228
00:09:22,502 --> 00:09:24,019
And take a look
at the back.
229
00:09:24,087 --> 00:09:25,154
You see that there?
Yeah.
230
00:09:25,222 --> 00:09:26,655
Yeah, let's trim that.
I don't know when
231
00:09:26,723 --> 00:09:28,023
that started, but
let's get rid of that.
232
00:09:31,228 --> 00:09:32,628
Okay, guys, listen up.
233
00:09:32,696 --> 00:09:34,430
This is a very
flammable mixture
234
00:09:34,497 --> 00:09:35,965
that's also
undetectable.
235
00:09:36,032 --> 00:09:39,034
If we put it on the electric box
and two of the outlets,
236
00:09:39,102 --> 00:09:42,421
then light them all at once,
it'll look like a short circuit.
237
00:09:42,489 --> 00:09:44,623
Geez, Mort, how the hell do
you know how to do all this?
238
00:09:44,691 --> 00:09:46,392
Oh, it's all covered in
the Torah.
239
00:09:46,459 --> 00:09:48,627
Right after the chapter on
writing complaint letters
240
00:09:48,695 --> 00:09:51,163
that will result in
compensatory merchandise.
241
00:09:51,231 --> 00:09:53,465
Dear stuffed shirts
at Ritz Crackers.
242
00:09:53,533 --> 00:09:56,569
A chain is only as strong
as its weakest link.
243
00:09:56,636 --> 00:09:59,622
Just as a box of crackers
is only as appealing
244
00:09:59,689 --> 00:10:01,907
as its least intact sleeve.
245
00:10:01,975 --> 00:10:04,209
I am paying
for fully formed crackers,
246
00:10:04,277 --> 00:10:05,945
not butter crumbles.
247
00:10:06,012 --> 00:10:08,213
I don't buy your product
with broken quarters;
248
00:10:08,281 --> 00:10:10,649
don't stick me
with broken pieces of cracker,
249
00:10:10,717 --> 00:10:12,318
you miserable dicks!
250
00:10:12,385 --> 00:10:14,687
Regards, Mort Goldman again.
251
00:10:23,046 --> 00:10:25,965
All right, let's get to work.
252
00:10:45,218 --> 00:10:46,769
Oh, my God, we did it!
253
00:10:46,836 --> 00:10:48,587
Hey, Peter, what
are you gonna tell Lois
254
00:10:48,655 --> 00:10:50,072
when she asks
where you were tonight?
255
00:10:50,140 --> 00:10:51,874
Don't worry, I got
it all covered.
256
00:10:55,996 --> 00:10:58,330
Ha-ha!
This is awesome!
257
00:10:58,398 --> 00:11:00,499
And Peter has no idea!
258
00:11:08,304 --> 00:11:10,588
Well, Mr. Goldman,
we've ruled out foul play.
259
00:11:10,656 --> 00:11:13,108
It looks like it was just
a case of faulty wiring.
260
00:11:13,175 --> 00:11:14,943
Well, you're still gonna
have to buy something.
261
00:11:15,011 --> 00:11:16,845
This is rubble,
not a library.
262
00:11:16,912 --> 00:11:19,447
Okay, well...
I'm sorry for your loss,
263
00:11:19,515 --> 00:11:21,049
but the good news is
your insurance
264
00:11:21,117 --> 00:11:23,534
will be covering
all of your damages.
265
00:11:23,586 --> 00:11:26,287
You hear what he said, fellas?
Looks like we pulled it off.
266
00:11:26,355 --> 00:11:27,689
Yeah, for now.
267
00:11:27,757 --> 00:11:28,923
I still got a
bad feeling.
268
00:11:28,991 --> 00:11:30,592
He's gonna find something,
I just know it.
269
00:11:30,659 --> 00:11:32,794
Will you relax?
We got an ironclad alibi.
270
00:11:32,862 --> 00:11:35,563
We were all seeing The Beatles
live at The Ed Sullivan Show.
271
00:11:40,986 --> 00:11:42,754
Sorry. I rode a bike here.
272
00:11:46,025 --> 00:11:48,893
All right, guys, all we got
to do now is keep a low profile
273
00:11:48,961 --> 00:11:50,929
and not mention a word
of this to anybody.
274
00:11:50,996 --> 00:11:52,430
Not even the police.
275
00:11:52,498 --> 00:11:53,932
That's right,
not a word to anyone.
276
00:11:53,999 --> 00:11:56,567
Nobody.
Lips are sealed.
277
00:11:56,619 --> 00:11:58,553
I want to tell somebody.
278
00:11:58,621 --> 00:12:00,055
Peter!
You shut your mouth!
279
00:12:00,122 --> 00:12:02,273
Hey, Mort, I, uh,
was really sorry
280
00:12:02,341 --> 00:12:03,441
to hear about
the pharmacy.
281
00:12:03,509 --> 00:12:05,009
Oh, thank you, Joe.
282
00:12:05,077 --> 00:12:06,811
I was very,
very sorry, too.
283
00:12:09,181 --> 00:12:10,432
Yeah, he seemed pretty smart.
284
00:12:10,499 --> 00:12:12,901
His shirt was tucked in,
so I bet he went to Harvard.
285
00:12:12,968 --> 00:12:14,335
Well, you're my
friend, Mort.
286
00:12:14,403 --> 00:12:16,438
I want you to know that
I'm going to personally
287
00:12:16,505 --> 00:12:17,739
go over all
the evidence.
288
00:12:17,807 --> 00:12:19,240
I'd hate to think
there's someone in town
289
00:12:19,308 --> 00:12:20,375
who's out to get you.
290
00:12:20,443 --> 00:12:21,976
Hey, Joe, they said
it was an accident.
291
00:12:22,044 --> 00:12:23,561
Roll away.
No, I'm just saying,
292
00:12:23,629 --> 00:12:25,230
as your friend, I
wouldn't feel right
293
00:12:25,297 --> 00:12:27,031
unless I left no
stone unturned.
294
00:12:27,099 --> 00:12:28,733
Geez, Joe, let it go.
295
00:12:28,801 --> 00:12:31,469
Yeah, Joe, even Robocop
took a day off once in a while.
296
00:12:36,142 --> 00:12:37,142
Nope.
297
00:12:41,747 --> 00:12:44,249
I don't like Joe sticking
his nose into this.
298
00:12:44,316 --> 00:12:45,817
Maybe this was all
a big mistake.
299
00:12:45,885 --> 00:12:47,168
You're damn right it was.
300
00:12:47,253 --> 00:12:48,887
Why did I ever
agree to do this?
301
00:12:48,954 --> 00:12:50,205
This isn't who I am.
302
00:12:50,272 --> 00:12:52,407
I looked in the mirror
this morning, and it was like
303
00:12:52,475 --> 00:12:54,459
I was looking at a man
I'd never seen before.
304
00:12:54,527 --> 00:12:55,994
Hi.
305
00:12:56,061 --> 00:12:57,812
Scott Bakula.
306
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,047
Just take it easy, Quagmire.
307
00:12:59,115 --> 00:13:00,448
There's nothing to worry about.
308
00:13:00,516 --> 00:13:02,117
Hey, it's Joe, open up.
309
00:13:04,236 --> 00:13:05,670
Uh, hey, Joe.
310
00:13:05,738 --> 00:13:06,738
What's going on?
311
00:13:06,806 --> 00:13:08,356
Oh, hey, I forgot,
I brought you guys
312
00:13:08,424 --> 00:13:10,308
souvenirs from
my trip to Vegas.
313
00:13:10,376 --> 00:13:14,312
They're T-shirts that say
"I lost my shirt in Lost Wages."
314
00:13:26,125 --> 00:13:28,109
I think maybe
you should keep them.
315
00:13:28,177 --> 00:13:29,694
All right,
I'll see you guys later.
316
00:13:29,762 --> 00:13:32,747
I got to go see the forensics
team about the pharmacy.
317
00:13:32,815 --> 00:13:34,766
Don't you worry, Mort.
318
00:13:34,834 --> 00:13:37,468
We'll get to the bottom of this.
319
00:13:37,536 --> 00:13:38,803
I don't like
this, you guys.
320
00:13:38,871 --> 00:13:40,021
This is bad.
321
00:13:40,089 --> 00:13:41,873
Joe's gonna find out,
I just know it.
322
00:13:41,941 --> 00:13:43,341
Geez, Quagmire,
you need to relax.
323
00:13:43,409 --> 00:13:44,843
And I know
how to help.
324
00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:46,878
Calgon,
take him away.
325
00:13:54,203 --> 00:13:55,820
This is
worse, Peter!
326
00:13:55,888 --> 00:13:58,189
Relax, this is supposed
to be your time.
327
00:13:58,257 --> 00:14:00,358
This is the right way to
deal with your problems.
328
00:14:03,929 --> 00:14:05,864
All right, guys,
if Joe really is nosing around,
329
00:14:05,931 --> 00:14:09,100
I think I know how to get him
off the case once and for all.
330
00:14:10,319 --> 00:14:11,486
Hello?
331
00:14:11,554 --> 00:14:13,555
Officer Swanson,
this is the chief of police.
332
00:14:13,622 --> 00:14:14,956
I'm afraid
you're fired.
333
00:14:15,024 --> 00:14:17,425
I see. Well,
that's too bad.
334
00:14:17,493 --> 00:14:18,860
I was looking forward
335
00:14:18,928 --> 00:14:21,196
to giving you
your birthday present next week.
336
00:14:21,263 --> 00:14:22,697
Oh.
337
00:14:22,765 --> 00:14:23,982
Apparently,
there was a mistake.
338
00:14:24,049 --> 00:14:25,316
Forget I called.
339
00:14:25,384 --> 00:14:27,735
Guys, I got to become chief
of police by next week.
340
00:14:30,155 --> 00:14:33,224
Chief, this just came in
for you from Officer Swanson.
341
00:14:34,543 --> 00:14:37,078
A Starbucks gift card?!
342
00:14:37,146 --> 00:14:39,464
This has been
an unproductive use of my time.
343
00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:43,134
Okay, I got it.
344
00:14:43,202 --> 00:14:45,136
Joe can't investigate
if he's distracted, right?
345
00:14:45,204 --> 00:14:48,623
Well, what's more distracting
than texts about dinner plans?
346
00:14:48,691 --> 00:14:51,392
Hmm. These burn ignition
patterns aren't consistent
347
00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:53,361
with an electrical fire.
348
00:14:55,464 --> 00:14:57,565
"Would... love to."
349
00:14:59,818 --> 00:15:05,556
"Probably...
about 7:00... or 7:30."
350
00:15:09,211 --> 00:15:11,145
"Any... of...
351
00:15:11,213 --> 00:15:14,048
those places would be... fine."
352
00:15:15,918 --> 00:15:18,219
God! No way!
353
00:15:18,287 --> 00:15:20,204
"I don't know
354
00:15:20,272 --> 00:15:23,524
"Probably just
a collared shirt
355
00:15:23,592 --> 00:15:25,543
"and jeans.
356
00:15:25,610 --> 00:15:27,712
"Have you never been
357
00:15:27,779 --> 00:15:31,532
to... a restaurant before?"
358
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:32,900
Oh, he's getting annoyed.
Look at that.
359
00:15:32,968 --> 00:15:35,453
He sure is. Okay, now
tell him you want a vegan place.
360
00:15:36,956 --> 00:15:38,589
Oh, my God,
he's so pissed, he's calling.
361
00:15:38,657 --> 00:15:39,991
Well, answer it.
No, no, no.
362
00:15:40,059 --> 00:15:42,026
I'm gonna send it to voicemail,
then call him back,
363
00:15:42,094 --> 00:15:43,911
but pocket-dial him
while I walk a few blocks.
364
00:15:43,979 --> 00:15:45,813
JOE (muffled,
Peter?
365
00:15:45,898 --> 00:15:47,815
Peter? Hello?
366
00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:50,101
I'm getting
very little work done!
367
00:15:53,722 --> 00:15:55,623
You guys, I just can't
take this anymore.
368
00:15:55,691 --> 00:15:57,492
I've been giving it
a lot of thought,
369
00:15:57,559 --> 00:15:59,527
and I think
we all just need to confess.
370
00:15:59,595 --> 00:16:00,962
What? Now just
hold on, Quagmire.
371
00:16:01,030 --> 00:16:02,664
If you start yapping
to the cops,
372
00:16:02,731 --> 00:16:05,066
we're gonna rot in prison
for the next 30 years.
373
00:16:05,134 --> 00:16:06,234
Evening, gentlemen.
374
00:16:06,302 --> 00:16:07,752
Joe!
375
00:16:07,820 --> 00:16:09,053
Glad I found
you here.
376
00:16:09,121 --> 00:16:11,255
I had a question
for you guys.
377
00:16:11,323 --> 00:16:13,408
Did any of you happen
to be at Mort's pharmacy
378
00:16:13,475 --> 00:16:14,876
on the night of the fire?
379
00:16:14,943 --> 00:16:16,144
No.
None of us were.
380
00:16:16,211 --> 00:16:18,246
I'm triplets. Could have
been one of my triplets.
381
00:16:18,314 --> 00:16:20,315
I see. Well, then
it's kind of peculiar
382
00:16:20,382 --> 00:16:21,849
that I would
find this.
383
00:16:21,917 --> 00:16:23,718
A pocket-dial
voicemail from Peter
384
00:16:23,786 --> 00:16:25,486
on the night
of the fire.
385
00:16:25,554 --> 00:16:28,589
Oh, my God, look at that fire
we started, Quagmire and Mort.
386
00:16:28,657 --> 00:16:30,591
You know
who I don't miss is Joe.
387
00:16:30,659 --> 00:16:33,094
That's a piece of evidence
that hurts all of us.
388
00:16:33,162 --> 00:16:36,030
You three are under arrest for
burning down Goldman's Pharmacy.
389
00:16:36,098 --> 00:16:39,334
Well, the pocket-dial giveth,
and the pocket-dial taketh away.
390
00:16:39,401 --> 00:16:40,968
You'll never take me alive!
391
00:16:41,036 --> 00:16:42,737
Aren't you gonna run?
392
00:16:42,805 --> 00:16:45,907
I would, but I don't want
my gym teacher to laugh at me.
393
00:16:45,974 --> 00:16:48,393
He's been following me around
since junior high.
394
00:16:48,460 --> 00:16:50,495
Watch this.
Watch this Jewish kid run.
395
00:16:56,793 --> 00:16:58,794
First, I have to read you
the Miranda rights
396
00:16:58,862 --> 00:17:00,262
for Jewish people.
397
00:17:00,330 --> 00:17:02,831
You have the right to remain
silent, even though you won't.
398
00:17:02,899 --> 00:17:05,668
You have the right to infer an
insult where none was intended.
399
00:17:05,735 --> 00:17:07,202
What's that
supposed to mean?
400
00:17:07,270 --> 00:17:10,022
You have the right to a lawyer,
who you are probably related to.
401
00:17:10,090 --> 00:17:11,390
This interview
is over.
402
00:17:13,059 --> 00:17:14,960
What were you dointhe night
of March 8th?
403
00:17:15,028 --> 00:17:16,428
your mother.
404
00:17:16,496 --> 00:17:17,796
Come on, man,
that's not cool.
405
00:17:17,864 --> 00:17:19,965
Oh, yeah? Maybe this
is cool enough for you.
406
00:17:23,388 --> 00:17:25,022
It's gonna take
a lot more
407
00:17:25,090 --> 00:17:27,224
than a fart in my
face to make me...
408
00:17:27,292 --> 00:17:28,993
Whoa! Whoa.
409
00:17:29,061 --> 00:17:30,962
Yeah, and there's more
where that came from.
410
00:17:33,231 --> 00:17:34,699
No, there isn't.
411
00:17:36,101 --> 00:17:37,735
Where were you
the night of the fire?
412
00:17:37,803 --> 00:17:39,737
I was at the movies.
What did you see?
413
00:17:39,805 --> 00:17:41,105
No Strings Attached.
How was it?
414
00:17:41,173 --> 00:17:43,474
Sucked.
Okay, that checks out.
415
00:17:43,558 --> 00:17:46,027
Boy, that Ashton Kutcher
sure was a cad
416
00:17:46,094 --> 00:17:47,495
in that movie, wasn't he?
417
00:17:47,562 --> 00:17:48,829
Yeah, totally.
418
00:17:48,897 --> 00:17:50,398
Wrong! He had
a heart of gold.
419
00:17:50,465 --> 00:17:51,899
You're going down.
420
00:17:55,287 --> 00:17:57,321
Your husband's in here, ma'am.
Lois!
421
00:17:57,389 --> 00:17:58,889
Peter, what's going on?
422
00:17:58,957 --> 00:18:01,258
Is it true? Did you really
burn down Mort's pharmacy?
423
00:18:01,326 --> 00:18:02,693
Hi, Lois. Hi.
424
00:18:02,761 --> 00:18:04,962
Look, Lois, we were just trying
to help Mort.
425
00:18:05,030 --> 00:18:07,331
Peter, how could you do this?
You have a family.
426
00:18:07,399 --> 00:18:09,233
Did you ever stop
to think about us
427
00:18:09,301 --> 00:18:11,936
before you did something that
could send you away to prison?
428
00:18:12,004 --> 00:18:15,406
For once, could you visit me
in jail and not criticize me?
429
00:18:15,474 --> 00:18:16,941
Wait a minute.
430
00:18:17,009 --> 00:18:19,143
This isn't Carvel,
you lying bitch.
431
00:18:19,227 --> 00:18:20,361
All right,
that's enough.
432
00:18:20,429 --> 00:18:22,129
Visiting time
is over.
433
00:18:22,197 --> 00:18:24,348
You know you guys are
gonna do time for this.
434
00:18:24,416 --> 00:18:26,450
Come on, Joe. You're really
gonna put us away?
435
00:18:26,518 --> 00:18:27,985
You think I
want to do this?
436
00:18:28,053 --> 00:18:31,022
You know how hard it's gonna be
for me to make new friends?
437
00:18:31,089 --> 00:18:33,657
Hey, do you think Chris is
old enough to be my friend?
438
00:18:33,742 --> 00:18:35,843
Old enough? Yes. But I wouldn't
bark down that alley.
439
00:18:35,911 --> 00:18:37,378
You frighten him.
440
00:18:37,446 --> 00:18:39,780
He thinks you're a Transformer
that broke halfway through.
441
00:18:39,848 --> 00:18:41,515
I get that a lot.
I understand.
442
00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:42,783
Look, Mort was
in trouble.
443
00:18:42,851 --> 00:18:44,719
We-we were just trying
to help him out.
444
00:18:44,786 --> 00:18:47,288
Well, insurance fraud is not
the way to help somebody out.
445
00:18:47,355 --> 00:18:50,124
Listen, Joe, insurance agencies
are all scumbags.
446
00:18:50,192 --> 00:18:51,492
They deserve to get hurt.
447
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:52,927
You don't decide that.
448
00:18:52,994 --> 00:18:54,495
What you did is
against the law.
449
00:18:54,563 --> 00:18:55,696
It's easy for you, Joe.
450
00:18:55,764 --> 00:18:56,997
You don't know what it's like
451
00:18:57,065 --> 00:18:58,466
to be screwed over
by an insurance company.
452
00:18:58,533 --> 00:19:00,301
Oh, I don't, do I?
453
00:19:00,368 --> 00:19:02,937
Well, let me tell you
a little story.
454
00:19:03,004 --> 00:19:05,906
It was hours after my accident.
455
00:19:05,974 --> 00:19:08,175
I was barely consciouson the operating table,
456
00:19:08,243 --> 00:19:11,078
but I'll never forget the phonecall that changed my life.
457
00:19:11,146 --> 00:19:14,782
Hello, I'm calling on behalf of
your policyholder, Joe Swanson.
458
00:19:14,850 --> 00:19:16,884
He's badly injured his spine.
459
00:19:16,952 --> 00:19:18,486
Well, there's
a new procedure that,
460
00:19:18,553 --> 00:19:20,221
if administered immediately,
461
00:19:20,288 --> 00:19:22,223
should restore
his ability to walk.
462
00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:24,792
$200,000.
463
00:19:24,860 --> 00:19:27,394
We also have a wheelchair.
464
00:19:27,462 --> 00:19:29,764
$60.
465
00:19:29,831 --> 00:19:31,799
Okay.
466
00:19:31,867 --> 00:19:34,251
They're going with "B."
467
00:19:34,336 --> 00:19:36,804
Those sons of bitches
made it about money.
468
00:19:36,872 --> 00:19:38,773
Yeah, Joe.
So, what do you say?
469
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,074
They didn't
care about you.
470
00:19:40,142 --> 00:19:41,575
Why should you
care about them?
471
00:19:41,643 --> 00:19:43,644
The thing is,
472
00:19:43,712 --> 00:19:45,913
you guys committed a crime,
473
00:19:45,981 --> 00:19:48,415
and I've still got the evidence
to prove it.
474
00:19:48,483 --> 00:19:50,017
Too bad I lost it.
475
00:19:50,085 --> 00:19:52,019
Message deleted.
476
00:19:52,087 --> 00:19:55,289
Was that... was that supposed
to mean something?
477
00:19:55,357 --> 00:19:57,124
Yeah, I'm letting
you guys go.
478
00:19:57,192 --> 00:19:58,592
Oh. Oh, well,
that's great.
479
00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,094
Yeah, I didn't
get that, either.
480
00:20:00,162 --> 00:20:01,812
Yeah, why didn't you
just say that?
481
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,581
I'm starting to regret
erasing that message.
482
00:20:03,665 --> 00:20:04,865
Too late, butt-face.
483
00:20:04,933 --> 00:20:06,484
Have a great summer, Joe.
484
00:20:11,723 --> 00:20:12,756
Peter, I don't
understand
485
00:20:12,824 --> 00:20:14,725
how they just
let you out of jail.
486
00:20:14,793 --> 00:20:17,128
Yeah, Joe had all kinds of
evidence against you guys.
487
00:20:17,195 --> 00:20:19,029
Seems like a huge
miscarriage of justice.
488
00:20:19,097 --> 00:20:20,865
I thought if you do
something wrong,
489
00:20:20,932 --> 00:20:22,366
you're supposed
to get punished.
490
00:20:22,434 --> 00:20:24,385
Oh, Chris, not if you're white.
491
00:20:24,452 --> 00:20:26,854
Well, now that I've wrapped
things up with you guys,
492
00:20:26,922 --> 00:20:29,557
I better wrap things up
with my basement family.
493
00:20:29,624 --> 00:20:31,392
Well, did you guys
learn your lesson
494
00:20:31,459 --> 00:20:32,827
about eating
uncooked antelope?
495
00:20:35,905 --> 00:20:39,905
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
496
00:20:41,072 --> 00:20:44,453
Sync for WEB-DL: VeRdiKT
[Addic7ed.com]37614
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