Original subtitles

Right, listen up, Boss Pro.

I'm gonna save our company.

It's the Holly Regime.

My first rule - fix your watches, right now,

because it's tequila o'clock.

ALL: Ooh... hey!

SONG: 'Disco Inferno'

SONG: 'Spice Up Your Life'

SONG: 'Take On Me'

SONG 'Never Gonna Give You Up'

My club, bitches!

SONG: 'Song 2'

SONG: 'Don't Stop Movin' '

Party all night!

# Don't stop movin' To the S Club beat. #

SNORING

CAR ALARM

PHONE RINGS

Running a nightclub out of our hotel room?

No, that doesn't sound right.

SONG: 'Ca Plane Pour Moi'

We're doing a runner! Go. Go!

Tonight's venue's cancelled, so's tomorrow's, and the next.

What? Someone's killing our tour?

# Ooh-ooh, hou-ooh!

# En quatre couleurs

# Allez hop... #

There's no way she's his teacher.

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

He's such a dick.

Giving away our tour slots.

Could Nick BE any more of a bleached arsehole?

Here's to the worst tour I have ever been on.

In my rookie year, Frank the Viking made me help him bury

what I'm pretty sure was a human body.

Soz, Hols. It's a shit sandwich with a side order of piss chips.

Sorry. I'm stress swearing again.

About last night's... show.

You know, everyone thinks that my performance anxiety

is all kind of, you know,

but actually it's still very much kind of...

You're kidding.

Hols, that bloke Gary from the Astoria

hasn't got round to cancelling Slamageddon yet. Hold onto it!

Cancel that cancellation.

We're on.

Guys, we might not have a tour,

but we can still do the last show, the big one.

Slamageddon is supposed to be our crescendo,

where we showcase the skills we've honed over the season

on the grandest stage of the outer Greater Liverpool area.

Yeah. Doing Slamageddon without the tour is like Fafnir the Dragon

carrying the dwarflings to Death Gods

without them forging their weapons first.

I mean, it's ludicrous. No!

This is our... YOUR chance

to wrestle in Boss Pro's biggest show of the year!

I'll have you know I've headlined Slamageddon every year...

until 1995.

We have a wrestling ring.

Slamageddon isn't until the end of the tour.

All we need is a place to train.

Who trusts me to lead you for six weeks?

A day, then.

Just give me one more day to prove that I can run Boss.

24 hours.

What else have you got on?

An edible thong.

Fine. One day. For your mum.

But where on earth are you going to find the money for a training space?

I think you'll be surprised about what we can afford.

DISTANT DOG BARKS

Oh... surprised in a really, really bad way.

Fair play.

This hose says "neck blood".

Can I smell... burning vomit?

More like burning ambition.

From now on, I'm in the business of building dreams.

Things are gonna change around here.

Ah!

So, er, as the new head of the company,

what is it that you really want?

Diplomatic immunity. No, a clone!

I'd love to be actually helpful. Easy.

Park the van in the green bay, ready to unload the ring.

Mya, let's talk dreams.

Do you want to wrestle? Pfft, no.

I want Boss Pro to become the live events arm

of my diversified global media empire!

FLY BUZZING Sure. Erm...

Under the Holly regime, you can be the PR guru.

Let the press know that we're on the road to Slamageddon

and we've got a new space which... is this.

I'm going to have to use the word "potential", a lot.

Just popping myself on the van's insurance.

A survey? Well, if it'll help with customer service training...

Loosen up, baby. I've got this like I've got cold sores.

Parking up the van!

Other. Recently separated.

Ah...

All right. Press release done.

I couldn't work out how to describe this room, and then I remembered -

lying.

The van's getting towed from the red bay.

That's got our ring in it.

The red bay's for the unlicensed dentist, Jack!

Woodhouse!

HORN HONKS

Sorry, sorry, sorry! We'll get the van back, I promise!

Hey. I'm not me mum. It's fine.

I know that you're taking this seriously.

Oh... And you'll get that van back, ASAP.

'Anyway, all right, enough about me mum.'

I literally just mentioned her for the first time.

Are you going to visit her in hospital

or are you busy stealing our tour? 'We did you a favour.

'Boss Pro without the big names is like John Lennon without...

'..without, um...'

I've gotta go, Nick. We're actually training.

'You what?' Twat.

Big Bad Ben! What's your dream?

I don't want to take the piss or anything,

but if there was a new poster, be sick if I had me name on it.

Dead small, like. But Nick always said there wasn't any room, so...

He's jealous cos you're a ten across the board.

Talent, star quality...

..abs, ten abs.

Anywhere else, you'd be the face of the company.

Road trip!

HORNS HONKING

Care for a strawb, Agent Migraine?

Today's just intermittent fasting and eggs.

Sorry, where are you getting these code names?

Side effects of me cold sore medication, baby!

You could have been Agent Kidney Problems.

Half a strawb? No.

Focusing on fitness. Oh, yeah, same.

It all comes natural for me cos, you know,

me dad's a champion wrestler.

Guess what he's up to now? Go on.

Oh, I've got no idea.

Not seen him in years. Just a game I like to play.

Oh... Sorry.

Perhaps he works in a shop. Yeah!

Maybe.

My dream? Well, I'm glad you finally asked.

More outlets for my artistic genius.

So, right now it's just my Etsy shop of gorge bespoke costumes

for wrestlers, LARPers and... in one case, a very sexual judge.

Right. Well, we need a new Boss logo.

So why don't you apply your genius to that wall?

Whatever you want. I trust you 100%. Make it 200%.

OK.

Loving the chat.

Two BPs on the road. BPs?

Best pals.

We are BPs, right?

Well, I mean haven't been here very long.

Plus, I've got plenty of good buddies

from my competitive acapella days.

The old, uh, Acafellas.

Cool.

Guys, time is money. ALL: We're on a break.

Cliff, let me PR you. I helped Ben set up an Only Fans.

Just eating puddings with me top off, like...

And people are into it.

I can help see you over till Slamageddon.

I've been claiming disability for years, it'll be fine.

Even when this dies on its arse.

Right, let's get cracking. PHONE VIBRATES

Holly Sedgwick, Boss Pro Wrestling.

'Hiya, it's Gary from the Astoria.

'A bit confused, I had a call from Nick,

'said he wanted to cancel the cancellation cancellation?'

Well, cancel that. I mean, look, Slamageddon's our big relaunch

and we're prepping now at our new base.

It used to be a meat factory.

Now it's a dream factory, with some residual meat.

'Oh, right, that place.

'Oh, God, I've got bowling tonight,

'but I could pop along for seven, have a quick watch,

'and if it's bad, then, you know...

'Just decide properly there and then. OK?

'See you later. At seven.'

Our vehicle's being held hostage and we hereby demand its release.

Yes. Yes...

Yourselves will need to fill out an SB312.

Yep.

In duplicate.

Our van...

Oh, well, if it's a van, yourselves will also need to fill in an RM50...

Five, yeah, right... here.

It's like watching two master Jedis.

What's with all this dream stuff? You're getting a bit touchy-feely,

like my granddad when he's watching Holly Willoughby.

It's... time for a change.

Mum just yelled abuse. She was all stick and no carrot.

All my life's been stick, stick, stick.

Imagine how chill I'd be if I just had some quality carrot time?

I've often thought that about you.

Courgette, even. PHONE DINGS

Oh, my God!

TV interest. What?

North West Now wanna interview one of our wrestlers this afternoon!

Who'd you want to send?

Ben.

Ready to be the face of Boss Pro?

I'm going on telly? Mm-hm.

Yank me bollocks and shit up me jizz pipe!

Oh, come on.

He's not gonna jeopardise the family friendly rep of Boss Pro on TV.

He has got some... self control...

What? It's jam doughnut Wednesday.

How would you like payment?

Visa? MasterCard?

Jersey Credit Union Young Savers' Account?

I'm sorry. It's cheque only, I'm afraid.

I don't have my chequebook, however... Ooh.

..you can, of course, legally write a cheque out on anything,

so long as you know your details, the recipient's details

and the 36 character transfer code.

There's your cheque... mate.

Like in backgammon!

HORN HONKS Oh!

That's lunch, I'm afraid.

Ben'll be great!

I drilled him on all the swear words he can't use.

We made a list.

So... what's your dream? Oh, I'm not playing your game, Holly.

What, actually caring about people? Oh, balls. Woke nonsense.

What next? Having a first aider at ringside

in case someone slips on a feather boa,

concusses himself and then dies?

Like Fabulous Phil, RIP.

Haven't you ever wanted anything? Yes.

I've worked for it and I've got it.

But... then you got older and Mum started to bench you.

Hang on there, young lady.

I know what it is you want.

You want to headline again.

Holly needs us back by seven o'clock.

No more secret mission silliness,

although we do need to break in and steal that vehicle, secretly.

Welcome to Operation Ringlickers.

Lick means to steal.

Hey! Ben's about to be on.

I still can't believe you put Ben on TV instead of me.

I could've done my bit about the Newport Pagnell car park.

It's not just a story. It's a m...

Yes, Cliff. We know. It's a multi-storey.

But carrot power! Believe in Ben, he's gonna be great.

'So, I can't say flange, spunk trumpet, raggedy ringpiece.

'Big leathery nutsack, dog dick.

'Wangers, bangers, stiffie towel hangers.

'Sorry. When did that red light go green?'

OK. As well as belief, some people also need intensive media training.

Oh!

Yah!

Oh, no, me paperwork! Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Get in the van, agent. We've got a mission to complete.

Operation Ringlickers - complete!

You got licked!

Agent Delirium, sat nav offline! My phone's dead!

Got you, Agent Migraine. Time to fire up the Roadchum 93.

To the meat factory!

Yes, you did the opposite of what we discussed, but don't stress.

It'll be totally fine.

Press have all cancelled after Ben's TV... thing.

But, hey, I have secured the editor of a website

called Global Wrestling Observation News Kiosk.

Er, people called it Gwonk. Well, I do.

The masterpiece is complete.

Oh, God.

I realise now it doesn't say Boss Pro anywhere, but...

Well, it's a vibe, innit?

We made it to the meat factory!

Woodhouse, what have you done?

Oh... Secret missions. Why did we think we could do this?

BP, I...

BP? More like... WP.

Woodpecker? Worst pal!

I have to call Holly.

Argh!

So, the ring is 70 minutes away.

Not to point fingers, Hol,

but you let those imbeciles lose the one thing we need to put on a show.

Sure. And you know why?

Because I tried to give them, all of you, what you wanted!

And what have we go to show for it?

Dicks on the wall, dicks on TV and dick all press!

Ah, well, the camera of my mind never lies.

Hey - I did get Mango's blog.

Erm, Gwonk is more of a Twitter account, to be honest.

Nine followers and only one's a bot.

See? Useless!

Sorry, Mango.

It's all right. It's nice to get a mention.

You know what? Forget the carrot. We've lost Slamageddon.

Pack up, we're going home.

Oh, no. Gary.

Listen, listen...

My painting was great, what's your problem?

It's ruined my promo! What's your problem?

OVERLAPPING CHATTER

All right, you worthless maggots! Gary's here!

You can piggin' whinge in your own time,

but you gave me one day to prove myself and it ain't over yet!

Bloody hell. Pamela?

Now listen up and get ready for some stick.

You might see a bunch of stinking, disturbing rubbish,

but I see an opportunity.

So, turns out, in order to wrestle,

you really do need a wrestling ring.

Luckily...

How did you do this?

But I see an opportunity.

I need you to go to the car park

and tell the longest story you know to Gary. OK.

MUSIC: 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl' by Jet

# Go! #

Over... Yeah.

# So, one, two, three Take my hand and come with me

# Because you look so fine That I really wanna make you mine

# I say you look so fine That I really wanna make you mine

# Oh, four, five, six C'mon and get your kicks

# Now you don't need the money

# When you look like that Do you, honey? #

PUNKY MUSIC

Argh!

YELLING

Argh!

Ugh! Argh!

Argh!

HE YELLS

One, two, three!

And the winner of the headline match,

the legend, the Gentleman Grappler, Clifford Baxter!

I'm a ruddy headliner! Yeah!

PUFFS AIR

There he is, the face -

and definitely not the voice - of Boss Pro.

I think I found my levels.

Lots of carrot and some occasional very urgent stick.

How did you keep Gary waiting whilst you built all this?

Gary! Hope you enjoyed yourself.

No. I felt very uncomfortable. I just wanted it to be over, really.

But once Clifford's car park story ended, I had a great time.

Let's keep your slammer thingy in.

ALL MOUTH: Yes!

Gotta go. If I'm late to AmazeBowls,

I have to buy everyone's hot dogs - it adds up!

ALL: Yeah!

To the Holly regime. No.

To our regime, because I believe in every single...

Holly? Um, your van's being towed.

Woodhouse, green bay, you prick!

Full disclosure - I'm colour-blind!

Ah...!

Yes!

Yes, Holly!

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