All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather S10E08 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

# What'll I do when you are far away

# And I am blue?

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

Thanks a lot, Sharon.

Ooh...

Stupid yellow box!

Why do I always have to get in the
back?

Because it's fun watching you trying
to get out the car

without flashing your bargain
bucket.

Have you got a pound, Dor?
What for?

The Trolley. I've never been charged
for a trolley in Waitrose.

Because Waitrose customers don't
throw their trolleys in the canal.

Is this all there is?

I've seen more selection in my hotel
mini bar.

Brie's not very ripe, is it?

It will be the time it gets to your
age, Dor.

Why don't you try taking your shades
off? I daren't.

If someone were to recognise me...

No-one you know would be seen dead
in a place like this.

Exactly!

Oh, now I'm happy!

Toothpaste? In the dairy cabinet?

It's squeezy cheese!

Don't tell me you've never had the
urge to squirt five inches of ripe
Cheddar onto your tongue?

Not in public, no.

Urgh! Oh, it's garlic! Huh!

You can't do that!

I just did. Huh!
(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?
Yes, this is she.

I did?

Well, no.
No, it's not a matter of money.

That's right, Dor.
You play hard to get!

Push your price up.
It's the Daily Mail.

It seems I'm mentioned in someone's
sordid memoirs.

Why ain't I surprised?

No, I can't hear you.

I'm shopping.
In Harrods' food hall!

Yeah. I'll take it outside.

Oh, and don't forget,

if you see any organic guinea fowl
or line-caught tuna...

We'll know we're in the wrong shop.

You can put that back.
It's on offer!

We can't afford Malibu.
It ain't.

It's Zaribou.
What's the difference?

Five quid. (SIGHS)
Oh, come on, Trace.

It's X Factor tomorrow.

We can play emotional roulette.

You know, you have to down a shot
every time someone bursts into
tears.

No. We're on a budget.

Oh! You could waste £75 buying
Travis a new pair of trainers!

He's my little boy.
And I'm your little sister!

Well, his feet are still growing.
Yours are beyond help.

Now put it back.
Get...

Trace! Don't!

It feel from the display.

Narrowly missing my head.

You shall be hearing...from my
lawyers.

Do you want a hand, love?
That's a joke in very dubious taste!

Eh?
Arm, Trace! Arm!

Just because I've had a stroke
doesn't make me the object of mirth,
you know.

Sadie! They're just trying to help.

Thanks. That would be lovely.

It's affected her personality,
the stroke.

She was such a sunny little creature
before.

I'm not deaf, Annie.

And did YOU put these in here
when I wasn't looking?

What's wrong?
I hate tortilla chips.

They remind me of Spain.

That's why I like them.

Did you used to go to Spain
for your holidays? We lived there.

Whereabouts?
Tossa.

I was only asking!
She means Tossa de Mar.

Oh...

But it was nice to get back.
Wasn't it, Sadie?

To take things easy.
Easy?

And the council won't even blimmin'
pay for a stair lift.

Oh, be fair, Sadie.

We live in a bungalow!

You didn't have to tell the council.
I did!

It's my bungalow.
Exactly. Your bungalow.

I know I'm only there under
sufferance,

but you don't have to keep reminding
me.

£53.47, please.
What?

In Spain, that'd be about 30 euros.

Don't mind her, dear.

Thank you, girls.

They're sisters, then.
I spotted that.

You I don't think we'll be like that
in 20 years' time?

Bickering and bitching?
Oh, don't have to wait 20 years.

All I've got to do is try and buy
myself a bottle of booze.

Yes, but I don't want to give
what you call 'my side of the story'.

I've got a critical court case
coming up.

The last thing I need is
my reputation trashed!

It's very sad. Very, very sad.

Tell me about it.

She really hates her sister.

I wouldn't say hate.

More...bitterly resents.

I mean, the nice sister's got
her own house and car and everything.

And the twisted sister's got nothing
to look forward to.

We're not going to end up like that,
are we? Course not.

What do YOU reckon, Dor?

Dor?

(SCREECH)

I wonder what the papers will say
about Dorien?

Probably that she's a clapped-out
old sex maniac

who shouldn't be allowed out
without a minder.

That's not news, though, is it?

All right?
You're home early.

Well, there's nothing more they can
teach me, is there?
Oh, 'ark at you, cocky!

You were joking, weren't you?
Not really.

You better be.

Oh, good timing, Dor.
Now we've put all the shopping away.

'We'? I've just been speaking to my
solicitor

about that ghastly journalist.

And? He says I haven't got a leg to
stand on.

Shut it!

If a national newspaper is
determined to call me a man-eating
good-time girl...

You can't complain, because it's
true.

Except the girl bit.

Oh, you two might find this amusing,

but my entire future depends on the
court believing I'm a serious
novelist.

Why are they writing about you
at all?

No disrespect, but you're not
exactly A-list.

That, Travis,
is a matter of opinion.

Hm, it isn't.

They're writing about me cos last
month Lord Shoreswell died

while out foxhunting.
Serves him right.

And as he's dead, they're serialising
his scandalous memoirs.

What, and you're mentioned?
Oh, not just mentioned.

Featured.

So you were strumping
a peer of the realm

and you kept it to yourself?

But I didn't don't know.
Why, has it gone numb?

I didn't know he was a lord. He told
me he was a car dealer called Clive.

Which at least partly explains
his leather fetish.

So what did you actually get up to
with this Lord Bangalot?

Suffice to say, he kept a tankful of
snapping turtles.

Ooh! Chapter six!

Chapter six.

Hold on, Dor.

Look, if it all happened, they've
got nothing to sue you about.

It can't be plagiarism.

Of course! You're right!

Travis, you are brilliant!

(LAUGHS) I might just sack my lawyer
and hire you!

Oh, Travis! I could kiss you!

Don't you dare!

Can you tell the court, Mrs Green,
how you happened upon the nom de
plume Foxy Cohen?

It's a bit of a joke, really,
you know...

It's what's called finding your...

porn star name.

I'm afraid I'm none the wiser.

You combine the name of your first
pet with your mother's maiden name.

That would make me Frou-Frou Cuddles
The Third

Ingram-Jones QC.

Not terribly erotic.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I think we may be drifting away from
the matter at hand.

Thank you, My Lady.

So, Mrs Green,

having so to speak disguised
yourself with a pen name,

or should I say, pet name
(CHUCKLES)...

..you then felt free to plagiarise
a pre-existing bestseller,

viz Fifty Shades of -
No, no. Let me explain.

I admit I mimicked the title,

but of course titles are not
copyright.

I do not need you to instruct me in
a point of law.

Bit rude, innit?
Hm.

Sorry, love.

You use the term 'experiences',

but did you not simply steal your
ideas from other works of fiction?

No, no. These things happened to
me...

..all the time.

I don't know why.

We do.

Sadly for you, Mrs Green, there
doesn't seem to be anyone

prepared to corroborate your claim.

Except Lord Shoreswell.

Do you mean the late Lord Shoreswell?

I hardly imagine he'll be hurrying
to the witness box.

No. But his scandalous autobiography
will soon be in the Daily Mail.

And apparently I feature
quite heavily on pages 35, 47

and er,

ooh, 69.

And I think you'll find

that is recollections and my
confessions

dovetail perfectly...

..so to speak.

I always knew that justice would
prevail!

Wey! Go, Dor!

It's been a long, hard struggle

and I would not have survived
without the support of my publisher,

my legal team

and to two very loyal friends

who took me in when I was virtually
homeless.

Aww, that's nice.

And now it's off to the Quotidian
Hotel to celebrate my triumph!

Yeah! Let's party!
Whoo!

(PRESS CLAMOUR)

The selfish mare!

After all we've done for her.

She leaves us on the pavement
like a couple of bin bags.

I didn't wanna go to no posh, poncey
party up the West End anyway.

I flippin' did!

Cut across...
Travis?

In here, Mum.
Oh, Garthy, what are you doing here?

Helping Travis cook dinner.

I thought it'd be nice to come back
to something hot.

Oi! That was my idea!

Aww, that's lovely, innit, Shal?

Well, let's eat it before we make
a judgment, eh?

So how was the trial, then?
She won.

Oh, nice one.
No, it's not! What's the problem?

The problem is, that ungrateful cow
buggered off to her party

without us.
That's a bit out of order, innit?

Tell me about it.

At least Dorien's out of your hair
now. Yeah, there is that.

Wait, can I have my en-suite back?
Course you can, love.

Hang on, what about me?
You can go back in the guest room.

Oh! So I'm a guest now, am I?

Don't start, Shal. I told you, you
can stay here as long as you like.

Or until you decide to sell the
house.

Why would I want to sell my house?

Mum, I promised Marcie I'd get back
before rush hour, so I'd better go.

No! You stay here, you!
You need to hear this.

Sooner or later you're gonna have to
sell the house.

If you wanna help your boys
get on the property ladder.

No-one can afford a house in London
any more.

Unless you're a lottery winner
or a Russian...

..oli...whatitsname thingy.

Garch.
Yep.

No, mate. Oligarch. Chelsea.

Chelsea who?

And where does that leave me, eh?

Homeless and potless.

Like that sad old biddy in the
supermarket,

moaning and feeling sorry for
myself.

You've had plenty of practice at it.

And you can play at being the
martyr,

cos you've had plenty of practice at
that! Give it a rest, Shal.

No-one can see the future.

You might meet a nice bloke,
get a place of your own.

Life's full of surprises.
Mine ain't!

(HORN)

Anyone order a Bentley?

Get your feet off the seat!

Ooh, we're here. Oh, innit lovely?
Oh, my God!

He's opening the door for us.

Oh, cheers. Thank you very much.

I could get used to this.

You'll have to sleep with
the chauffeur, then!

Of course, I never thought I'd make
it back to Florida, but now...

But isn't Florida rather passe?

(RUSSIAN ACCENT) Yes.
Today it is Madagascar.

Those cute little lemurs are to die
for.

I must have a lemur for a coat.

Though of course they are an
endangered species.

Exactly. No time to lose.

Oi-oi! Dorien!

Talking of endangered species...
Who let the dogs out?

Where did you get to?
Where did WE get to?

Where did YOU get to?
You went off with your entourage

without so much as a kiss my auntie!
Excuse me.

Ooh, hang on, mate. Hang on.

Cheers.

Serves you right.

Hang on, mate.
Someone's pushed the boat out.

My publisher's so relieved.

He's already talking about
Ninety Shades of Purple.

So you've got some smutty stories
left?

Ooh, haven't even scratched the
surface!

So, who are all these people, then?

Right, now, that's my publisher,
Julian.

That's his PA, Sasha.

That's my agent.
That's my hairdresser.

That's my agent's hairdresser
and that's... Not a clue.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if I can take a moment.

I just wanted to say how de...

..how delighted we all are

with the wonderful outcome today.

Before I hand over to Dorien
to say a few words,

we have a special surprise for you,

from one of Foxy's multitude of
celebrity admirers.

Hi there, love. I'm so pleased that
you won your court case!

And I loved your book.

It's great to know
there's still one woman our age

who's getting it regularly.

I'm so sorry I can't be with you
in person, er, Doreen,

but congratulations on your triumph
today. You really deserve it.

That was touching, weren't it?
Didn't even get her name right.

Any more bubbly?
Sorry, it's all gone.

Um, thank you, Julian.
That was lovely.

Erm...

Oh, what an amazing day!

Now, Foxy Cohen would like to say
a few words.

Before I began to embark on
a career...

No, wait! Wait, I haven't finished.

I'll call you tomorrow, darling.
I'm on a meter.

Do svidaniya.

What just happened?
The booze run out,

swiftly followed by all your mates.

Run that 'These are all our friends'
cobblers by us again.

Don't kick her when she's down,
Trace! That's my job.

Oh, my God!

I have never been so humiliated.

What about chapter 19?

Not even then.

Come on, Dor. There's a virgin bottle
of Zaribou at home.

It's got your name on it.

Huh, this is the worst thing I've
ever tasted.

Second worst thing I've ever tasted.

Well, it definitely smells of
coconut.

So does my shampoo.

So you won't want a top-up, then?
Whatever gave you that idea?

You're gonna miss all this
intellectual banter

when you're back on the celebrity
merry-go-round.

She'll be off on some spa weekend
with her new best friend.

Lorraine Kelly.
Ah! She's not my best friend,

but we are very close.

Then how come she didn't remember
your name?

Well, I think maybe I'll winter in
Miami,

then next spring I'll look for an
apartment in London or Paris,

though New York has its attractions
- galleries, Broadway, the Hamptons.

New York blokes are well endowed,
then, are they?

I've brought your cases down.
The taxi won't be a minute.

Oh... Thank you, Travis.

Where will you go, then, Dor?
Well, I haven't decided.

I think I'll Google in the taxi.

You'll go blind.

'Ere, Dor, you'll you're all over
YouTube?

Vertical or horizontal?

Why?

Your victory speech outside the
court room.

One of your fans must have uploaded
it.

Of course.

My lovely, lovely fans.

It was me, actually.

I thought it would cheer you up.
It did.

Momentarily.

(HORN)

That'll be your taxi, Dor.

Well, thank you for everything.
You've been wonderful. Both of you.

Even you, Sharon.

Hope our paths cross again.

Well, that's not going to happen now,
is it, Dor?

Now that you're back on the A-list
and I'm back on benefits.

(HORN)

I'll put your bags in the taxi,
shall I?

I'll never forget you
or what you did for me.

I never thought I'd say this, but...
I've grown to envy you,

your closeness, loyalty,
the meaning of family.

That's nice, innit, Trace?
Quite touching, really.

See you, then, Dor.

That meter will be clocking up.

(TEARFUL) Bye.

Bye.
Bye.

Oh, Dor?
Yes?

Can you give Travis your key
on your way out, love?

We would see you out, but Corrie's
starting in a sec.

Bye, Dor.
(ENGINE RUNNING OUTSIDE)

Where's the remote, Trace?

You had it last.
You're probably sitting on it.

No, I ain't. I'd have noticed.

You never noticed when you sat on my
hamster.

How long shall we give her, then?

BOTH: Five four three...

(DOORBELL)

I wonder who that can be.

I wonder. (LAUGHS)

Night, Shal.
Night, Trace. Night, Dor.

Night, Dor.
DOR: Good night, girls.

Sharon, there's a kebab in my bed!

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