Original subtitles

TRACEY: # What'll I do

# When you

# Are far away

# And I am blue?

# What'll I do?

SHARON: # When I'm alone

# With only

# Dreams of you

# That won't come true

BOTH: What'll I do?

(LAUGHTER) TRACEY: Leave it. GARTH: Keep your eyes shut. SHARON: All right.

Don't throw me under a bus. Oh, hang on! Watch your step. Up you go.

I got it. (LAUGHS) No peeking till I say, right?

Say hello...to Stubbies.

Woodford's next dining sensation!

Da-daa!

Y-Yeah! You think it's a bit, don't you?

No...

Obviously, once you look....

past the mouse droppings and the...

..smell of blocked drains and...

..the leaky roof and...

the, er, obvious structural problems. Sharon!

You see the potential.

Am I too late for the unveiling?

Oh, my God. (SNIFFS)

Eurgh! Is there a blocked drain or are you wearing a new fragrance?

Have you been up the old peoples home again?

Because there's a definite whiff of OAP about you.

Tudor Lawns is not an old peoples home.

It is a luxury retirement facility

for the comfortable elderly.

You been reserving a room?

Is your visa in order?

If you must know, Sharon,

I was visiting the elderly relative of a friend.

Stanley was returning from a colonic irrigation session.

We got chatting - And you found out he was loaded,

so you thought you'd clean him out in your own way.

I've tried getting by with my World of Quid salary, but it doesn't work for me.

I need money. Lots of it.

And if I can't earn it, I will marry it.

Well, I've had a good look round and, er...

Oh, I like your hair.

Just had my roots done. Oi, Bob the Builder!

Step away from the sister. This is Robin.

My boss at the heating and plumbing company.

Oh. Carry on, Robin.

Well, as I said, I've had a good look round

and this is a breakdown of what a refurb's gonna cost you. Cheers, mate.

How much longer? I'll be late for my spray tan.

Who's that little madam?

That's my daughter. Er, two minutes, Rosie.

How many feet can you get into that big gob of yours?

I know you from somewhere.

I-I sat next to you in geography for the whole of year eight. Really?

I was a real bitch back then.

You've changed.

Who's this? Oh, my name's Poppy.

So...cute.

(SNIGGERS) Yeah, she is, isn't she?

Oh, I wasn't talking about her.

Look, I can't give you any more off the radiators.

But I can give you another 20% off labour

if Tracey will agree

to come out for a drink with me.

Oh, sorry. (CLEARS THROAT)

Forget I said that.

I'm sorry, I wanted to ask you out at the Christmas party but I lost my bottle.

I've been kicking myself ever since. It all just came tumbling out. I'm sorry.

Look, I'll knock off the 20% anyway.

I'd love to go out for a drink with you.

Well, that's...brilliant!

Well... Well, I'll give you a ring.

(LAUGHS) That's great.

What?

I'm entitled to some fun and all.

Still, money off for services rendered...

You know what that is?

The only opportunity you'll ever have of earning more than the minimum wage.

Ahem!

Ooo! Look at you!

I hardly recognise you, Tracey.

You actually look fabulous.

What does this make? Four dates in 10 days?

He reminds me a bit of Darryl.

Does he keep nipping out to rob a bank?

He makes me feel safe.

When he puts his arms around me,

I get this funny feeling in my tummy.

Yeah, nothing like the frisson of a date.

That promise of the unknown.

There's nothing unknown about your dates.

They all end up exactly the same.

One foot through the car window and one through the sunroof.

Well, not with Stanley.

The only flashing going on there is the warning light on his heart monitor.

How old is he exactly?

He's a nonagenarian.

That's older than Bruce Forsyth!

How could you? Stanley has no relatives.

I'm the only visitor he's had in years. I light up his life!

No need for his defibrillator when I'm around.

You don't snog him, do you?

Your tongue don't get stuck under his plate

when you have a little snog? Sharon! Sharon! Stop it! Stop it.

We just talk.

We chat about soup.

He loves soup.

(HORN BEEPS) Oh, that's Robin. Yeah, and I better get a move on.

Stanley's not up to much after 9:30 once the medication kicks in.

Good luck, Tracey. Cheers, Dor.

You gonna be all right? I'll be fine.

I've got four bottles of cider, a curry,

Saw 1 and 2,

and Halloween Slashers: The Return.

What more could a girl want?

Enjoy yourself. See you later.

Well, apart from Daniel Craig in a mankini.

(WIND WHISTLES)

(TENSE MUSIC)

(SCREAMING) (SCREAMS)

(BANGING)

(WINDOW BANGS)

(SIGHS)

(GASPS) I'm warning you, mate!

I-I've got a vicious old dog in here.

Stay, Dorian! Stay!

Sharon?

Sharon!

Lenny? Blimey.

Here, what you doing here?

I think I should be asking you that.

(DOOR OPENS) DORIAN: Hello, Stanley dear.

How are you this evening? (GIGGLES)

(SIGHS)

Have you heard?

They're calling us the Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas of the Day Room.

Are you up to having a little read from my book?

Very well.

Now, where were we? Oh...

Page 73, I think.

(GIGGLES)

"Lotti laid on the bed.

Her body quivered as he moved slowly towards her.

She could smell the testosterone in the air

as he reached forward,

grabbed her flimsy blouse,

allowing him...to expose her!"

(WHEEZES) Oh!

Yes, I think we better stop there, Stanley.

We don't want to push our luck.

Well, what shall we do next?

(WHISPERS)

(GASPS) Stanley!

I couldn't possibly do that!

What if someone were to come in?

Oh, very well.

You know I can never say no to you.

I'd have never give this place a spin if I'd have known it was yours.

Oh, it's not mine actually.

It's Tracey's. Tracey?

(LAUGHS) God!

Here, do you remember when we used to go out as a foursome with her and Darryl down in...

BOTH: The Tottenham Royal! That's right. (LAUGHS)

I used to keep a look out while you did the fag machines. (SIGHS)

Happy days. Oh, yeah.

They were good times.

It's really good to see you again, Shal.

You too, Lenny.

Do you fancy a cider?

(IN A POSH VOICE) I've got a couple of bottles chilling.

(IN A POSH VOICE) Oh! Well, that would be very nice!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Keep your eyes off the knickknacks. Oh! Sorry.

Force of habit.

Ah, it's lovely.

Thank you. To be honest, my favourite eatery

is a greasy spoon off the Great Cambridge Road.

I love a good cafe.

Jan, Rosie's mum...

(SUCKS TEETH) She used to tell me off for going there.

Thought we were above that.

Then she ran off with the milkman.

Filthy animal.

Sorry. Well...

Technically, he owned the dairy, but my version makes her sound like more of a scrubber. (LAUGHS)

I've really missed her.

Until now.

You've filled a big, big hole, Tracey.

Which is more than this dinner's gonna do.

I thought there was potato!

I think that's it there. Under your radish.

You think that cafe of yours will still be open?

They do a lovely all-night all-day breakfast.

Sounds good to me.

Won't you feel a bit overdressed? Oh, don't worry.

I'll tell 'em my donkey jacket's in the wash. (LAUGHS)

Cheers, Jan. I'll sort the bill.

(Jan?)

TRACEY: I'm back!

You're home early. Robin's got a trade fair in the morning.

What you been up to? Not a lot.

Hello, Trace!

How are you? Eh?

It's really funny, you know? You'll never guess what's happened.

Try me. Well...

Lenny bumped into Fat Angela and she gave him my address

and then he popped round just on the off chance I'd be in...

and he got lucky. Didn't he just.

Would you mind putting some trousers on, please?

Oops! (LAUGHS) Where's my manners?

What?!

Didn't he used to be a burglar?

Lenny? No!

You're thinking of someone else. No, I'm not. Lenny and the fag machines.

Well, that's me and Marcie shafted then. What's happened?

The cold room in the kitchen's gone crook. Oh, speak English.

No cold room means I can't store food, Mum.

If I can't store food, I can't open the restaurant.

And if I can't open the restaurant...

I can't pay the bills, Mum. Oh, no.

(SIGHS)

We did have one idea how to raise some cash.

A pop-up. Pop-up?

It's like a restaurant but it's somewhere different.

Like in a lift.

Little bit small.

I was thinking maybe here. What here, here?!

It's a bit of a liberty, Garthy.

Filling up your mum's house with people she hardly knows.

Do you mind if I make myself a cup of tea?

I've worked up a terrible thirst.

That's different.

.

.

There you go. Lovely. Ta.

The matron at Stanley's retirement home

has agreed to let me bring him here for a meal.

Now...make sure we get the corner table.

I don't want anyone tripping over his oxygen bottle.

And champagne! I am pretty sure that he is planning to propose.

You're not seriously going through with all this, are you?

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I'm starting to forget what the inside of Harvey Nic's looks like.

Right, give us a hand, Dor.

Er, I'm actually rather busy.

Where's Tracey? Why isn't she helping you?

Didn't come home last night.

Really? Mm.

That's a first for Tracey.

Even Darryl had to wait from Easter till Christmas

before he got a glimpse of Santa's grotto.

(DOOR OPENS) Here she is!

Trying to creep in the back door, eh? You brazen hussy.

Grow up, Sharon.

Come on, then, Tracey. Did you?

Did I what? BOTH: Do it?

Course I did. (GASPS)

Yes! Oh-oh!

Well, where did you go? Was it a seedy budget hotel?

Back seat of a car? How did he suggest it?

He didn't. I did.

Tracey Stubbs! Don't look like that!

You both give it away like sweets.

Was he better than Darryl? It wouldn't be difficult.

Darryl made love the way he robbed banks.

He went in hard, fired off a couple of shots and got out as quick as he could.

(DOOR CLOSES) GARTH: We're back!

Don't say anything to the boys about me being out last night.

You already have, haven't you?

All right, Mum?

So have I got a new dad, then?

All right, Mum?

Good night, was it?

I'll see you later.

I may have mentioned it.

Mum, get your gladrags off. You've got carrots to scrape.

Come on, chop chop.

Right, here you go.

That's, er, crab with lemon something.

And a dollop of whatsit sauce on the side.

Enjoy.

Can't you try and sound a bit more professional?

It's the taste what's important.

And you had your thumb in that bloke's soup.

No, I didn't! And it's not soup, it's prawn consomme.

Hello. What are you doing here?

Well, I just thought I'd come and see how you were getting on.

We're fully booked. All our neighbours have turned to support Garthy.

Really? GARTH: Service!

Look, I'm obviously in the way here, so...

Why don't I come back later when you're done and I'll take you out?

Well, I'll probably be a bit knackered but, er...

I usually get a second wind around midnight.

Mm-mm-hm. (LAUGHS)

Don't I know it!

Oh. Oh! (LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

Why are we here? I thought I'd buy you dinner.

What, are we, like, 35?

I've got a much better idea.

So, are you gonna show me your room, or what?

It's just that it's a bit messy.

Then we won't turn the light on.

It's just that...

there's clothes on the floor and...

You're not a virgin, are you?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

No.

TRACEY: Travis! We could do with your help down here!

Ah, would you believe it?

Next time.

In you come. Er, Tracey. Tracey, this is Stanley.

Welcome to Stubbies Pop-up, Stanley.

Hope you didn't have any trouble with the front step.

Trust me, not a problem for Brendan.

Over here, Brendan.

Over here.

I don't think we're gonna fit that wheelchair in the downstairs loo.

Not a problem. He, erm...

He wears his own facilities.

Now, listen...

as soon as he pops the question,

I will order the champagne.

But make sure you take the cork out in the kitchen.

Any sudden bangs could finish him off.

You still up for going out tonight?

Not half.

I, er...

I got you a little something.

Oh, Lenny.

It's lovely. Trace!

Look at what Lenny just give me. Ah.

It looks just like the one that Debbie at 35 got for Christmas.

In fact, it's exactly like it.

It's even got her initials engraved on the back.

I told you. I warned you what he was like.

An old dog never changes his pants.

(LAUGHS) Excuse moi.

Have you turned over one of our neighbours?

No!

Have you turned over all of our neighbours?

Yes.

He's what? All right, all right, no need to get feisty.

Just calm down. It'll be fine. Just keep 'em all here.

Give 'em free coffee, brandy, whatever it takes,

while he puts all the stuff back.

What sort of self-respecting burglar does a thing like that?

The sort that will be flambeed, filleted,

diced, sliced and served up to the old Bill if he don't!

All right!

Oh! We still on for Tuesday?

Is there anything particular you wanted to say to me this evening?

What was that?

No, you can't have any more soup!

You know how I feel about you.

You're like a fine wine.

Aged to perfection.

Ready to have its cork popped.

Stanley Barrington Court III...

will you do me the honour

of taking my hand in marriage?

You can't possibly be engaged!

Who to?!

(MOANS)

You haven't changed, have you, Sharon?

Can't believe you went out with yet another criminal. (SIGHS)

And I can't believe that you went out with someone who's older than God.

Devious, conniving, wizened old husk of a man.

Using me to make Brendan jealous.

Don't you reckon the boy done good? Oh, you done brilliantly. Well done.

Yeah, well done, Garthy. Well done, both of you.

A couple more nights like that and we'll have all the cash we need. A couple more?!

God, pour us a pino.

Where's Rosie? Gone.

She dumped me. (SIGHS)

That's a shame. We wanted different things.

Seems like we've all had our romantic dreams dashed tonight.

Not all of us. Me and Robin are still going strong.

Try to sound a bit less smug, Tracey.

Rosie says he really, really likes you.

Apparently, you look exactly like her mum.

(SIGHS) Oh, my God.

She's the spitting image of you, Trace.

Oh, it's creepy.

You can't go out with a man who only sees you as a clone of his ex-wife.

Have you seen that scarf she's wearing?

It's exactly the same as the one he bought me.

He's trying to turn me into one of them Deptford wives.

It's Stepford. Bloody men.

It's the last time I take my clothes off for any of 'em.

Me and all!

Won't make promises I can't keep.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL: Cheers.

subtitles by Deluxe

.