All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather S10E03 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

# What'll I do

# When you are far away?

# And I am blue

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

Pop another waffle in
for me, Garthy?

Don't, she's already had seven.

Six. I'm stocking up.
Oh, that could take a while.

I'm stocking up because the
manageress from hell here,

has moved my dinner break to 3:30.
Of course I did.

Lunchtime, as it's known
in polite society,

is when busy people
do their shopping.

And what if the staff
faint from hunger?

Not very likely in your case, is it?

Right, I'd better make a move.

Baguettes do not butter themselves.
Good luck, love. Knock 'em dead.

Hardly the best thing
to say to a chef.

So, are you nervous, mate?

Why should he be?
It's only a sandwich shop.

So, why is he dressed
like a Mexican dentist?

It's Seedy McCrusty's.

They're like the biggest thing
in fast-food right now.

They've got over
50 different fillings.

You'll wish me luck,
won't you, Poppy?

Like Mum says,
it's only a sandwich shop.

Laters. Bye, Garth.
Bye, Garth. See you, darlin'.

(CAR HORN HONKS)
That'll be your minicab, Dor.

Actually, it's an
executive car service.

Course it is.
I'll jump in the back, shall I?

You can jump in the boot.
What?!

As manager, I can't be seen
to have favourites.

You'll have to get the bus.
Can I borrow your freedom pass?

Don't be late.

Bye, all. Goodbye.
Bye. See you, love, bye-bye.

Could you walk Poppy to school
for me? It's on your way.

Course he can.
No problem.

See you later.
See you. Bye, darling.

Bye, sweetheart.

Right, you've got me to yourself.
What's going on with you and Garthy?

Something's up. No, nothing's up,
and that's the problem.

Sorry?

Thing is, Tracey, I've always
had this powerful libido.

I don't really know
anything about Italian cars.

Sorry.
You don't have to keep apologising.

Sorry, it's an English habit. Sorry.

You see, having Poppy
in with us all night

means me and Garthy don't get
any intimate together time.

How did you learn about
that massaging then?

You don't like talking about
this sort of stuff, do you?

I don't. It's bad enough listening to
Dorien going on about her sexploits,

but Garthy's my son.
He's a grown man.

I know that. I was in a
terrible place when I met him.

What, Australia?
I mean emotionally. Sorry.

I was scratching a living trying
to bring up a kiddy on my own.

You know what that's like.
Tell me about it.

And Garth's a great guy.
You did a terrific job.

I know I was snappy with him earlier
and I feel really bad about it now.

I'll make it up to him tonight
if I get the chance.

See what we can sort out.
Thanks, Tracey. You're welcome.

Cos if I don't get it soon,
I think I'm going to explode.

What you doing here?
I thought you might be hungry.

Just a wild guess.
You're a lifesaver.

Garthy made it for you personally.
It's chicken salad.

With extra mayo,
just how you like it.

Sharon, are you eating again
on company time?

No.
Then what's that on your face?

I'm...testing the suntan cream.

It's really good.

Tracey, what are you doing here?
Sharon is supposed to be 'working'.

It's important.

Trace, if you say it's 'important',
it means it ain't important.

If it's important you don't do the
fingers - Sharon, get back to work.

It's a bit awkward. Garthy
and Marcie are having problems.

The bedroom.
Mattress too soft?

No.
Pillows too lumpy?

No! You know I don't
like talking about...it.

If it's about sex,
I could counsel them.

As well as being a best selling
author of an erotic memoir,

I also - Put a sock in it, Dor.
They did that on page 73.

May I remind you,
you are on company time here.

They don't need counselling,
they just need privacy.

In your house?
Have you paid for that?

So, I said that Poppy
can have the box room.

Eh? What about us?

We'd have to move out, obviously.
Where to? Claridges?

I made us some hot chocolate.
Oh, cheers. I need the energy.

If I knew it needed
this much blowing,

I'd have got Dorien to do it.

Poppy's asleep already, look.
Oh, lucky Poppy (!)

Come on, Shal, this is loads
better than the box room.

It's cosy, it's got a big telly.

It's right next door
to the downstairs loo,

for when you come home
all Schindler's.

Good night, Shal...love ya.

Yeah...whatever.

(FART NOISE)

Sharon!
It weren't me.

It's the bed, look, listen.
(BED DEFLATES)

Go on, shove over.

(SIGHS)

Night, Shal.

(FARTS)

Sharon!

Yeah, that was me.

(FRONT DOOR SLAMS)

Dor! We were asleep.
But it's barely ten o'clock.

I've had the most intellectually
stimulating evening,

at the multiplex of all places.

What did you see? Monsters Inc?

Hardly. It was Matthew Bourne's
Nutcracker...

..in 3D.

So, you spent the evening

watching some ballet bloke's meat
and two veg coming right at you?

You just want to
hold your hand out and touch.

Think I'll have
a Jacuzzi before bed.

Think maybe a cold shower.

Couldn't get a date so you had
to settle for posh old lady porn.

Sharon, would you bring me up a
pot of my special verbena infusion?

Of course, milady.

In a parallel universe.

I'm fed up with being treated like
a skivvy, Trace. Tell me about it.

It's bad enough working with her,
but living with her and all.

(SIGHS)

Night, Shal.
Night, Trace. (DOOR OPENS)

Oi, leave it, leave it, leave it.
(LAUGHING)

Oi, you two, get a room.
They've got one, Trace. It's yours.

Sorry. (YELLS)

(GIGGLING)
Takes you back, doesn't it, Trace?

I remember when you and Darryl
first started courting,

and you used to try and sneak
him back into the garden shed.

How d'you know about that?
I was in there.

You weren't.
I was.

I was having a crafty fag.

Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.

You filthy animal.

Night, Shal.
Night, Trace.

(DOOR OPENS)
Shh! My mum goes to bed at 10:00.

What a surprise.

(DOOR SLAMS) Blimey, it's like
Bluewater at Christmas.

All right, love.
Yeah...sorry, Mum.

Boys wouldn't mind
something to eat, though.

It's all right, love. I'll bung
some pizzas in. Cheers, Mum.

All right, Shal. ALL: All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Er...where do you think you're going?

I'm going up to the loft.
To have a kip.

Well, you can't.
Why not?

It ain't got a window.
Neither did my council flat.

You let me sleep there
for six months.

(SHIVERS) Oh, I'm flipping freezing.

(SHIVERS)

Oh!

(GASPS)

What are you still doing up?
Ain't you got school in the morning?

I'm just helping Mum.
Yeah, well, I'm here now.

Mum made pizzas for me and
my mates, so the least I can do is -

Travis! You're a teenager.
Start acting like one.

Stop being such
a mummy's boy and go to bed.

Creep.

Couldn't sleep up there after all?
Too dark and scary, was it?

No! Flipping freezing.

So, I was looking for a blanket,
and... And what?

You know that programme on telly of
an afternoon

that you reckon's pants?

That's most of them. No, the one
that really gets up your pipe.

Wanted Down Under? No.
Homes Under The Hammer? No.

What, Loose Women?
No.

Well, what then?

Cash In The Attic.

The Milky Bars are on me.

.

.

So, that's 49,500 quid.

And it was just rammed in a binbag?

Yeah, next to Darryl's prize
collection of balaclavas.

Good old Dad.
What do you mean, "Good old Dad?"

He may not live here now, but he's
still looking out for us, isn't he?

Garth, don't you think if your dad
wanted us to have this money,

he'd have told us about it?

Rather than wait for you and Marcie
to make such a racket rutting...

that I had to sleep in the attic?

Well, if it ain't from one of
Darryl's blags, where's it from?

Sharon, where is my verbena?

If you don't know that by now, Dor,

I really can't see
how you wrote that book.

What on earth is going on?
It was in the loft.

Instead of insulation?

I see. Well, it's obviously
the proceeds of crime, isn't it?

That's jumping to conclusions.

True, but as your husband
always had difficulties

differentiating between other
people's property and his own -

Do you mind?
Credit where it's due,

Darryl's kept his nose
clean for years.

That doesn't mean he's reformed,
it just means he's been lucky.

Or had a very big hankie.

Either way, it couldn't have come
at a better time.

This could be my deposit
on a restaurant.

What about me? I could go to uni
without a student loan.

Talking of loans, I've got
a few outstanding with Wonga.

Excuse me!
Small point, it's not your money.

You have to give it back.
To Dad? It's not his, you plank.

Don't call your brother a plank.
Back to whoever it belongs to.

Does nobody in this family
have a single moral scruple?

Define scruple.

Well, I'm sorry, but I am
not prepared to stay in a house

where there is such a
casual attitude to criminality.

See you, then.

(STUTTERS) No, I just mean that...

I have a certain reputation.

Yes, as featured in
every phone box in Soho.

This has got nothing to do with you.
This is family business.

Looking on the bright side,
there could be a reward.

They don't reward
families of criminals.

Other than with infinite quantities
of social security.

I reckon we should
just do a straight split.

No! This money's going nowhere until
I've had time to think about it.

(SQUABBLING)

This is staying here.
Mum, please. We need it. End of.

Sharon?

What are you doing down there?
Don't bother to lie.

You're eating again, aren't you?

It's inhumane to expect me to go
till teatime without sustenance.

I ain't a camel.
Appearances to the contrary.

Very well...

Let them eat cake.

What's this in aid of?

I've just had the most
exhilarating session

with our founder, Barry Quid.

Barry Quid?!

That ain't his real name, is it?
Do you want a pastry or not?

There's a pattern developing here,
isn't there?

(MOUTH FULL) So, what did
Barry Quid want?

Me.

He's so impressed with
my flexible staff rota,

he wants to roll it out
across the whole chain.

And even better,
he wants me to take over

his new upmarket store...
in Snaresbrook.

Do you mean we won't be
working together any more?

Oh, don't pretend to be upset.
OK, I won't.

Can I have the rest of the day off?
To celebrate?

No. To get you a leaving present.

You don't want anything
from this old dump, do you?

Ooh, that's good.

Ooh, that's nice.

Ooh, that's lovely.

Ooh, that hurts!

There's a lot of tension, Tracey.
I got a lot to be tense about.

Suppose the Old Bill come knocking
on the door looking for that money?

You don't know what it's like.
I do.

My ex didn't spend five years
in Melbourne Prison

to update the plumbing.

I forgot about that. Sorry.

Ooh, that's lovely.
(DOOR SLAMS)

Garth says I've got magic fingers.
Now you're making me tense again.

Ooh, oi, oi, saveloy.

Is there something you two
ain't telling me? (LAUGHS)

Cockney humour.

I got you a little pressie, Trace.
Oh, cheers, Shal.

Well, I was by the Christian Dior
counter, anyway.

What are you doing
at Christian Dior?

Chanel doesn't do
my shade of lipstick.

Marcie, give me and Sharon
a couple of minutes, will you?

Yeah, no worries.

You've been dipping into
that money, ain't ya?

No. But I slept with it
under my pillow.

How? Unless you skimmed it off
before you even brought it down.

I may have allowed myself
a small finder's fee.

Finder's fee?
You'll find yourself in Holloway.

It was only 500, Trace.

And it's all right,
because I laundered it.

How? You and laundry are
barely on speaking terms.

I swapped it with
the cash in my till.

Don't worry.
Don't worry?!

Is everything all right, Mum?
Yes, love.

Me and your auntie Sharon
are just having a row

over what colour lipstick
she should wear...at her trial.

I spent a little bit of that money.

Money that I found and now
your mother's going into one.

What is it, love? Well, I spoke
to Dad...you know, like you asked.

And?
And the money's not his.

No, it's ours.

Finders keepers.

I mean, he stashed it
for these two brothers.

He had to, they made him, Mum,
and they're real nutters.

Once one of them stabbed
the other one in the back.

Yeah, they're right dodgy,
them Milibands.

Shut up, Sharon, this is serious!
Who are they, love?

Eddie and Keith something.
Coker?

Yeah, that's it.
Eddie 'The Choker' Coker?

Sharon, what have you done?!

What?

That's a healthy looking package
you've got there.

I've had a good day.

Got any plans for tonight?

Don't think I could
afford you, love.

No! No, I was flirting, not selling.

Would you mind stepping into
my office for a moment, madam?

Ow!

You let me pay stolen money
into the bank, you mindless...

Dishonest, cretinous...
Get her off me, Trace.

She ain't finished yet.
(YELLS)

Now you've made me break a nail!

You're very lucky
I didn't lawn you up, Sharon.

Grass.

Mum, I'm still hungry.
Not now, love.

Dorien's still beating
up your auntie Sharon.

Can I watch?
I thought we were mates?

We are, but honestly, trying to
launder money through your own till?

You been ear-wigging?

I mean, if I was trying
to launder some dodgy cash,

I'd go to the bookies, bet on
loads of odds-on favourites

and walk away with my winnings
in clean notes.

Why didn't I think of that?
Go and get yourself a burger.

Cheers, Mum.

You swear you didn't say anything
about Darryl, or the money, or us?

And make myself an accessory?
I don't think so.

I just said that a lot of unsavoury
people shop at World of Quid.

Any one of them
could pass stolen money.

Cheers, Dor.
So, I'm off the hook.

Well, until the police
review the CCTV footage.

What footage?

From World of Quid.

Obviously, they'll need to check for
suspicious activity round the tills.

Oh, yeah.

Define suspicious.

I've heard Holloway ain't
as bad as it used to be.

Oh, my God.

Mind you, I don't know
what they'll say

when they find out the cameras
are dummies. Dummies?

What do you mean dummies? Because
real cameras are expensive, Sharon.

And we don't stock
anything worth stealing.

(LAUGHS)

You cow!

If I'd have known they were fake,
I'd have - You'd have what?

Don't matter.
At least I'm in the clear.

Until Eddie 'The Choker' Coker
comes knocking

and wants to know why his stash
is a monkey light.

A monkey light?

What language are you speaking now?

(DOOR OPENS)

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

Only Poppy doesn't like
sleeping on her own.

You know how she feels, eh, Dor?

Plus, she reckons there was
some kind of big, scary monster

clumping around
in the loft all night.

That child must have a sixth sense.

So, we're going to
have her back in with us.

The box room's all yours.

It's like winning the lottery.

Well, that's that, then.

Terrific rate of interest
the money's going to earn up here.

Yeah, well, you'd better
make up that monkey

before the Coker brothers get parole.

I can nick the money out my till
now I know the cameras are fake.

I'm joking.

So, are you coming to bed?

No, I'd rather sleep
in the lounge, actually.

You ain't still got
the hump with me, have you?

No, I'd just like a nice, quiet night
without you snoring and far-

Yeah, suit yourself!

Night, then.
After you.

You don't trust me, do you?

No.

GARTH: Shh.

Oi! That's sexual harassment!
I could have you spanked for that.

I dare you.
(LAUGHING)

Now, you sure Mum and Auntie Sharon
have gone to bed?

No worries, I heard Sharon snoring.
All right, come here.

Right, lights on or lights off?
Lights off is more romantic.

Clothes on or clothes off?
(LAUGHS)

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