All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather S10E01 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

# What'll I do

# When you

# Are far away

# And I am blue

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone with only

# Dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

(LAUGHTER)

Sharon.
Tracey.

What are you doing in Chigwell?

Why, do you need a passport to visit
a posh neighbourhood now?

I thought you'd moved back to
Edmonton. I have.

But Foxy Cohen isn't signing her
book in Edmonton, is she?

There aren't any bookshops in
Edmonton any more. Or libraries.

Your mate George bleeding Osbourne
closed them all down.

Foxy!
Foxy!

(CROWD CLAMOURS)

Foxy, we love you!
Foxy! Foxy!

Foxy!
Whoo!

(CLAMOUR CONTINUES)

Foxy?

Foxy me!

Dor, it's us!

It's us!
Hello, Dor!

Get inside!

Up-market smut for middle-aged
women.

I should have guessed it was you.
It's nice to see you, too, Sharon,
after all these years.

You look fantastic, Dorien.
Don't call me that, Tracey!

I've rebranded myself as Foxy Cohen,
it would only confuse my fans.

That's why I don't have my photo on
the book cover.

Plus, people would never believe an
old slapper like you

could actually get up to those sort
of things.

Why Foxy Cohen, though?

You never learned how to find your
porn star name?

No, I must have been away from school
that day.

Ooh, I know, I know. You choose your
first pet's name

and your mother's maiden name.

Which makes me...Rex Harrison.

You can't be Rex Harrison.

Why not?
He was a famous film star.

Oh, that's right, he had a big part
in that My Fair Lady, didn't he?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, you can't be Rex Harrison, he
was my hamster.

Do you know, girls, I used to feel
guilty

at leaving you two sad creatures
behind, but not any more.

Although you have clearly gone up in
the world, Sharon,

judging by the tabard.

You've lost weight. What was it,
gastric band?

Liposuction? Dyno-Rod?

Well, when you live on your own, you
have to make a choice.

Between food or heat.

You two don't live together any
more? Not that I care.

No, we don't.

Why not?
It's a long story.

No, it ain't. She met this bloke
called Ralph, I didn't like him,

she chucked me out, they got
married, end of.

You evicted your only sister?

Yeah, well, she was getting on my
Allieds.

Your what?
Allieds, carpets.

Oh, for God's sake!

Well, what happened to...Damian.
No, Derek.

Darryl.
Er... Oh, yes.

Is he still in prison?
No, he moved to Wales.

Which is pretty much the same thing.

Miss Cohen, the queue's getting
rather wet.

It's that sort of book, mate.

Yes, and my cleaners are just
leaving. (MOUTHS)

Oh, could you sign this for us, eh?

To Sharon or Rex?

Don't put my name on it, it won't be
worth nothing on eBay.

I'll pay for it on my way out.

See ya, then.
Don't count on it.

(THEME TUNE PLAYS)

Oi! Mary Poppins!

So, how's Travis?
Oh, you know, shooting up.

He's on heroin?

Getting taller.

I'm sorry, Trace.
For what, exactly?

For saying Ralph was a chancer who's
out for everything he can get.

Took your time, though, didn't ya?
I was waiting for you to say
something first!

You were in the wrong. It was up to
you to extend the olive branch.

We don't sell olive branches at
World Of Quid.

No? Well, they're buy one get one
free at Waitrose.

You changed my life, Miss Cohen.

Of course I did.

You and 50,000 other desperate
housewives.

Oh, a gentleman admirer.

Would you like me to sign?

Yes, to acknowledge receipt of this
envelope.

Oh!

Done it up nice, ain't they, Trace?

Lovely, Shal.

Never thought I'd see this place
again.

Neither did I.

(GATE SQUEAKS)

(SIREN IN DISTANCE)

Fancy a nice cup of instant?

(DOG BARKS OUTSIDE)

It's World Of Quid Premium Blend.

Contains traces of real coffee.

I don't remember your flat being this
small.

I've had to downsize, Trace.

(BABY CRIES)
It's this new bedroom tax.

Only rich people are allowed to have
spare rooms.

(THUMPING MUSIC)

(SIGHS) Put these on, Trace.

Here.

(LONG BLAST)

(MUSIC STOPS)

How can you live like this?

This is how the poor working people
of Britain live these days, Trace.

Oh, give it a rest. The country's in
a mess, we know that,

but as Mr Cameron says, we're all in
this together.

Oh, are we? Then how comes I never
bump into him down by the bins?

I feel terrible, Shal. That'll
probably be carbon monoxide
poisoning.

The boiler's been playing up.
I mean you, this. It's not right.

I want you to come home.
Home?

You mean Chigwell?

Huh! What will your Ralph say?

I don't know. I don't care.

He's gone.

What, he's dead?
I wish.

What's happened, Trace? You were
right, I was wrong. He's a pig.

I caught him going through my
knicker drawer, so I slung him out.

You mean he's more Martha than
Arthur?

He wasn't after my undies, he was
after my savings.

You've still got savings?

Not any more, I had to pay him off
for a quickie divorce.

And when did all this happen?
Six months ago.

And it didn't cross your mind to
tell me before now?

I was too ashamed.

Well, I'm very hurt, Tracey.

I've got a good mind not to go back
now.

Oh, please, Shal, I want you to come
home, I'm lonely.

It's just me and Travis and he's
always messing about with his Wii.

At his age?

His computer.
Oh, oh.

Oh, I don't know, Trace.

I've become very attached to this
place.

That's cos the floor's so sticky.

I mean, I've got commitments.

Commitments? You ain't even got a
window.

There's a Vent-Axia in the bog.
You can't see out of it, though.

You can. Council didn't put it in,
properly.

Anyway, I can't go till the weekend.
Why not?

There's a meat raffle at the Three
Brewers.

I've got my eye on a nice piece of
brisket.

(DEVICES BEEP)

Mum!
In the kitchen, love.

Good day at school?
Not bad.

Got an A* in my law essay.
Oh.

Might become a barrister if my movie
career don't take off.

All right, Travis?

What's Auntie Shal doing here?

You're letting her back after the
way she upset you?

I've changed my mind. It's wrong to
bear grudges.

I hope she's not staying for dinner.
I might stay for breakfast, an' all.

Want to do something about it?

She can't go back to Edmonton, she
ain't even got a window.

She'd better not get the en suite
back.

What do you need a bathroom for?
It ain't like you wash.

Mum, you're going to let her talk to
me like that? No, I'm not.

I'm going to get on with the dinner.
You two sort it out, go on.

I enjoyed that.
Bit over the top, weren't ya?

You told me to lay it on.
Not that thick.

She might chuck me out again.
She'd never. She feels too guilty.

Yeah! Good boy.

So, do I get my 20 quid now?
Yeah, here you are, mate.

A bargain.

What's goin' on?

I was just trying to bribe your son
to give up his en suite.

Course you were! Look me in the eye
and tell me that's the truth.

It was her idea.

What was?

When she found out you'd finished
with Ralph - Found out? How?

I sort of told her.
Why?

I didn't think it was fair, her
living in that rabbit hutch.

You've been there?

Edmonton?

Get real, Mum, she showed me round
on Skype.

You knew about Ralph all the time?
Why didn't you say something?

Why didn't you? I didn't want to
have to listen to you gloat about

how you was right and I was wrong.

I never gloat, Tracey.

But in this instance I was right and
you were wrong.

And if you'd listened to me the
first time I saw Ralph's internet
profile

and said he's too good to be true -

I suppose you told her about that
book signing, an' all!

I was just trying to bring you two
back together.

You're all each other's got.
That's not true.

I've got you, I've got Garthie.
He's in Australia, Mum.

I'll be going to uni soon.

All the time I was growing up I had
both of you here.

It was great.
Like having two mums?

Like having one mum and a really
naughty big sister.

Cheers, mate.

I really miss having Garthie around,
Mum. Me, too.

It's funny, the things you miss,
innit?

Sometimes I even miss Dorien.

What, that old slapper from next
door? Travis!

Except she ain't Dorien any more.

She's turned into Foxy Cohen.

She wrote that dirty book?
How do you know about that?

Everyone in my year has read 60
Shades Of Green, Mum.

Oh, my God, if I ever clap eyes on
her again...

She's big time now. Hardly going to
be ringing on our doorbell, is she?

(DOORBELL)

Tracey, you've got to help me, I'm
in the middle of a terrible crisis.

Oh, hello, you must be Trevor.
Travis.

Oh, you're the spitting Photofit of
your father.

That's a lot of attitude from someone
who writes dirty books for a living.

I'm a huge fan, Miss Cohen.
Yes, of course you are.

What do you want, Dorien?
Tracey, I've been served.

Spare us the sordid details.

I mean served with a writ, by the
publishers of 50 Shades Of Grey.

They are accusing me of plagiarism.
What's that when it's at home?

It means she's ripped off their
book. But I didn't!

All the experiences in my novel
actually happened.

Even the bit about the sumo
wrestlers and the hammock?

Oh, for God's sake, where's the
rest?

They're in the hall. Keep your hair
on.

Where will you go, back to Hollywood?
Oh, I wish.

I can't go anywhere. The plaintiff -
The what?

The injured party in a civil action.

The plaintiff has frozen my bank
account.

Most of my assets are overseas where
I can't get at them.

I don't even know where I'm going to
sleep tonight.

No change there, then.

Er... Hold on, you don't think I can
put you up, do you?

But I've got nowhere else to go,
Tracey.

I can't afford a hotel. All my funds
have been sequestered.

Travis?
Frozen pending an outcome.

Look, I'm sorry, I'd love to help out
but we just haven't got the space.

I'm in the master bedroom, Travis is
in the en suite,

I wanted the en suite.
Sharon's in the guest room,

which just leaves the box room and
that's really pokey.

Don't say pokey, Trace, that will
only encourage her.

Oh. Oh, I see.

It's Ralph, isn't it? Most women
don't like me being around their
husbands.

Apparently I give off this musk.

Ralph's gone.

I'm sorry?
We got divorced.

Since Thursday?
It was a quickie.

Why didn't you say? No, it's not
important.

All that really matters is, where am
I going to sleep?

Dor, why don't you phone the Social?

They've got a list of night
shelters. (APPALLED GASP)

They must have left you something to
live on. Oh, yes!

A measly £1,000 a week.
A grand?

Poor you!
I know.

Pathetic, isn't it?

Well, why don't I make a modest
contribution

to the running of the household?
How modest?

What's Sharon giving you?
Aggravation.

I think I can do better than that.
400 a week.

Uh... We're band H here, I think we
could have a little bit - Uh-uh-uh!

I'll do the negotiating, Tracey.

I am the one that watches Dragons'
Den.

400 quid?!

You're having a laugh, ain't ya?

650.
Oh, don't be ridiculous!

Take it or leave it, I ain't
budging. I'll leave it.

You're supposed to haggle. You won't
budge. I'll budge a bit.

I didn't think there's any point.
Of course there is!

Make me an offer. Anything.

410.

Done. See?

Useless. I want £500 a week,

plus council tax or you can sling
your hook.

Well done, Tracey, it's a deal.

See?

So, here you go, Dor.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, I'm not
staying in this cell.

For £500 a week I expect an en
suite.

Not to mention wifi, constant hot
water

and a personalised laundry
service...Sharon.

But there's only two en suites.
Mum's and mine.

Oh, thank you, Travis, that is so
generous of you.

No, it's not. Looks like you're back
in the guest room, love.

That is so unfair!

And where am I going to kip?
In here.

I can't sleep standing up! I ain't
an 'orse!

If you don't like it, you know what
you can do.

Oh, so you're chucking me out.
Again.

That is so unfair!

Oh, grow up, Sharon.

Well, I think I'll go to my en suite
and freshen up.

Oh, Sharon, baggage.

What did you call me?

All I'm saying is - If that's all
you're saying, you don't half go on
saying it.

All I'm saying is, I am not waiting
on her hand and foot.

I've already hurt my back, dragging
her bags up the stairs.

Service! You've been watching too
much Masterchef.

Travis, Dor, dinner!

Here you are, do something pretty
with these.

She ain't the Queen, Trace.
She's bunging me a monkey a week.

You can't expect her to cuff it like
some people.

Everything all right with your en
suite, m'lady?

Absolutely delightful. You'd love
it, Sharon.

Sharon, chair.

Yeah, it is, Dor.

That smells delicious.
It's mine.

No, even you can't eat all that.

I won it, in a meat raffle.

Second prize.

What's a meat raffle?

Well, you should know.

Bit on the big side. Are you sure
it's not mutton?

Well, you're the expert.

You ain't expecting a power cut, are
you?

(DOORBELL)
I'll get it. You get it.

So, how long do you reckon you'll be
staying with us, then, Dor?

Oh, not long. My lawyer thinks we'll
win the case within six months.

BOTH: Six months?!

Did you get rid of them?
Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly? Who
was it, what do they want?

(KNOCKING)

Hello, Mum.
Garthie. Oh, my God, Garthie!

(LAUGHTER)
I can't believe it!

Do you reckon I'm the taller?
I don't know.

You look fantastic.
What are you doing here?

You're always complaining how big
and empty the house is. Was.

Mum, I've brought you something back
from Australia. Close your eyes.

Ta-dah!

I told Garth to call ahead but he
said you wouldn't mind. Hi, I'm
Marcie.

This is my mum Tracey, my Auntie
Sharon - I'm the pretty one.

And this is little Travis.

And this is Poppy. It's all been a
bit much for her.

Two days ago she was on Bondi Beach.

Mum, I need the loo.
Just out there on the left, love.

I'm a little confused, Garth.
Is that child yours?

Yes, Dor, I went to Australia five
years ago and came back with a
ten-year-old daughter.

So, how long have you two been
playing happy families?

A few months.

Why didn't you say?
I wasn't sure if it was serious.

Cheers, mate.

Till Marcie's ex broke out of jail.
We decided to visit the old country.

Oh, my God, it's genetic.

If it's a problem, Tracey, we can
always find a B&B.

No, it's not a problem, is it? It's
not a problem.

Sharon did mention that the Social
Security has a list of night
shelters.

Take no notice of her, this is your
home, we'll squeeze you in. Come on.

How?

Where?

(THUMPS)

Sharon!
What?

You kicked me out of bed.

I had to turn over.
No, you didn't.

This is ridiculous.
I had to give them my room.

You can't expect two adults and a
ten-year-old to share a box room.

Not after they've just flown for 25
hours.

I'm never going to get back to sleep
now. Me neither.

Sharon, where is my liquorice tea?

Get it yourself, Shrek.

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