Original subtitles

Daddy! You should've came with me

to the flea market, man.

I told you, flea markets are a big racket.

You pay people to haul away they junk,

and then you got to wait for another flea market

to sell it back to some other sucker.

Well, call me a brother from another sucker,

'cause I went to town on this flea market, baby.

See, I'm gonna sell these treasures

that I got for next to nothing

and use that money to make my film.

I like the hustle.

Mm. Now let me see the treasures.

All right. Sit down.

I am sitting. Yeah. Deeper.

Drive that ass into the ground.

Yeah, bring it. Come on, bring it.

All right, check this out. Bam.

Classic J's.

- Oh, wow. You mean classic G's? - What?

Who the hell is Miguel Gordon?

Huh.

I didn't even notice that.

All right, forget those.

What else we got here?

Oh.

Look at the mouth on that trout.

Wow.

And you wonder why somebody

would want to get rid of this thing.

Oh. I said the same thing.

Remind me of your mama.

I could get at least $50 for that.

Which is a five-dollar profit for me.

How you gonna make a movie $5 at a time?

Slowly.

Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? What? What? What'd I do?

This is Billie Holiday.

Do you know who this is?

Do I know who Billie Holiday is?

This guy, right?

The question is, do you know who Billie Holiday is?

Yeah. Yeah.

I do. This is special. You should give it to your dad.

I'm sorry, - did you say "give"? - Yeah.

I think I heard you say "give."

I said give. Yoink.

Sorry, buddy, not giving that to anybody.

However, you can buy it from me.

Okay, I'll buy it from you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mm-hmm.

Let me put on my "Bitness Man" hat first.

Which I also got at the flea market.

Oh.

All right.

Ooh.

Now, let us enter into this here negotiation.

Okay, Yosemite Sam, how much did you pay for it?

Well, Baldy Bean, it's not about how much I paid for it.

It's about how much you are willing to pay for it.

You see, I'm a bitness man, m'kay?

I got to make a profit, cueball.

You know what I'm saying?

I got to earn what they call sweat equity.

That's bitness talk.

You don't know nothing about that.

Okay, I'll tell you what, Little Nas X...

Yeah.

I'll give you $20

to get you back to that old town road.

Now hold on, Raisinette.

You're gonna give me 20,

it's got to be worth at least 40.

Okay, Juan Valdez, I'll give you 40.

If you gonna give me 40,

it's got to be worth at least 80.

I say, I say, you drive a hard bargain there,

Mr. Foghorn Leghorn.

I'm willing to give you $100 for it, partner.

- $100? - Mm-hmm.

$100.

Sold to the sucker in the cardigan.

Huh! My, oh, my.

Today is a good...

...day.

I just made 10 X on my money right now.

That's 'cause you're a good "bitness man."

Why, thank you, Planters peanut.

Thank you very much.

Now...

...gentleman's shake on it.

I'm not gonna shake your spitty hand, boy.

Bird flu. Go on.

All right, but a deal's a deal, okay?

All sales are final. No buyer's remorse, okay?

Because there's a new shark in this shark tank,

and his name is...

...Dark Cuban.

♪ Poppa's

♪ House

♪ Yeah.

Hey, how's work going?

Actually, I just finished writing my new book last night.

What? Congratulations.

I cannot wait to read it.

Great!

Oh.

'Cause I could really use another set of eyes on it

before I turn it in to my publisher.

Me? Are you sure?

Yes, you.

And I want the dirty truth.

Unadulterated. Raw. Uncut.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

I-I might be too close to you to give feedback.

Yes, Nina, that's why you're the best person.

Because you know me, and you know my voice.

Yeah, but that does not mean I know a good book.

Just last night, Maya called my bedtime story

"predictable and uninspired,

like a Lifetime movie."

Please? I could really use your input

before I turn it in to my publisher on Friday.

Please, please, please, please--

All right, fine, you know I got you, girl.

I will start as soon as I put the kids to bed.

Thank you. I love you.

And listen, don't feel like you need to say

it's the greatest thing you've ever read

just because we're bestest friends,

slash sisters, slash exact kidney match.

Oh, here, let me help with the salad.

You can help by finish reading my manuscript.

And, um, you know what?

You can feel free to "lol"

if there's something you agree with.

Oh! Or, um, say, "Ain't it the truth, Ruth?"

Or give a sister, "Won't he do it?"

Or give a sister "back off and stop breathing down my neck."

Ain't that the truth, Ruth?

Gonna do it.

Hello, everyone. I brought...

chocolate cupcakes.

Why'd you whisper that?

Because you have the diabetes,

and I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

It's chocolate on it. You can't have chocolate.

Speaking of hurting feelings,

does everyone know that I got one over

on the Wallet Wizard over here?

We know.

You tweeted it three times.

Mm-hmm. Oh, boy.

Yep, yep, yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Yeah, I was able to get the person who prides himself

on being the smartest man in the room

to buy a worthless old album.

You got to show it to 'em, Dad.

You guys got to see it.

It's so worthless and stupid.

I can't believe he got it.

What a sucker, man.

Yeah, you sure pulled the wool

over your dad's eyes on that one. I did.

Hey, any chance you want to buy it back from me?

No, no. Hmm-mm.

That old thing? I think not.

A deal's a deal, buddy.

Cold-blooded.

Mm-hmm. Ain't that the truth, Ruth?

What can I say?

I'm a natural-born "negrotiator."

I'm a bitness man, baby. Ain't that right?

- Shut up, Junior. - Okay.

You know something, Mr. Bitness Man? Hmm?

I was so upset with myself,

I was downright frustrated. Mm.

To the point where I almost threw that album in the trash.

Oh, well, why didn't you?

Well, I heard a voice. Oh.

I call it my "inner Poppa." Oh.

And then he said, he said--

"Hey, Pop, why don't you go have that looked at

by a professional, that there record wheel?"

Record wheel? How old is inner Poppa?

Old enough to hear

that knuckle through the wood.

That must be the professional, right here.

Howdy do. Good evening, Mr. Fulton.

So, what's the verdict

on this here worthless Billie Holiday album?

Well, Mr. Fulton, you were right

about the signature on the inner sleeve.

Sig-- Signature?

Mm-hmm.

Indeed. We were able to authenticate,

in fact, that it is Billie Holiday's.

You hear that? Billie Holiday signed this record.

That makes this album

worth at least $20,000.

$20,000?!

Oh, my God!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

I don't need you anymore. I'm rich!

No. I'm rich.

I'm rich!

There she is.

Nina, my literary queen-a.

Oh, my gosh, flowers? For me?!

Ah, that's so unnecessary.

And, quite frankly, more of a theater thing.

Ah, but thank you.

So, did you finish reading my book?

I did, and my gut reaction-- Oh, wait.

Hold on, I-I want to sit down.

Good idea. Mmm.

Okay.

So, do tell. How great is it?

On a scale of excellent to amazing,

where does it land?

Ivy, this really hurts me to say,

but I don't think it's very good.

Oh, my God.

It almost sounded like you said

you didn't think it was very good.

Look, look, you know I am a fan of your work.

I have read all nine of your books,

but this one just feels like a retread.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, it almost sounded like you said,

"This one feels like a retread."

Ivy, come on.

You said you wanted my honest feedback,

raw and uncut.

I said uncut, not cutthroat.

So, here's what I'm gonna do, Nina,

because... I like you, right?

I'm gonna walk out,

I'm gonna come back in

and give you another shot at this, okay?

Whew. ♪ Do-do-do-do-do.

There she is.

Nina, my literary queen-a.

Ah. So, did you read my book?

This is so uncomfortable.

I do not know anything about giving real feedback.

Did you just want me to tell you the good stuff?

Yes, like all my other friends.

Okay, you know what?

I'm-a give you one more shot.

Except this time, I'm coming through the window.

Ivy. Ivy!

Ivy.

Stop, just--

Just pretend I didn't say anything.

Let's just go to lunch.

Well, why would I want to have lunch with someone

who apparently has no taste?

Uh--

Except these. These are nice.

Dad, I can't believe you're not gonna split the money with me.

That's crazy. I did all the hard work.

I need that money for my film.

What happened to "no buyer's remorse"?

Huh? The gentleman's handshake?

Huh?

You didn't shake my hand 'cause I spit in it.

Right.

Yeah. And that was before I knew how much the album was worth.

Well, you should've did your homework

before you sold it to me.

Look like there's a new...

shark in these shark tank, son.

And his name is Dark Zuckerberg.

Dad. I'm not going

to let you take advantage of me.

Don't be mad, son. It's "bitness."

Oh, all right, uh, fine.

Well, if it's "bitness," then I want to buy my record back.

I'll pay you $200.

$200? Yes.

Well, let me put my bitness hat back on

and study this here bitness proposal that you proposin'.

Okay, so you said 200, right?

200. Well, I'll take the two

and I multiply that by five, and divide that by...

- Well, I'll be damned. - What?

He said no.

But don't you worry now,

I'm gonna take the hat off

and see what the guy - without the hat say. - Okay.

Strange. He said no, too.

Damn it!

Okay, look, son, it's bitness.

Stop saying "bitness."

Okay, okay, if you don't like me saying "bitness,"

I won't say "bitness" no more

because "bitness" seems to get under your skin.

I'll just mind my own, uh...

No.

...bitness.

You bought this from me knowing the album was worth more,

and I'm not gonna stand for it.

Well, what you gonna do, huh?

You gonna sue me?

You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge...

Say wha?

The people are real,

the cases are real and the judge is...

...keeping it real.

Junior, the plaintiff,

is accusing his father, the defendant,

of being a weenie,

for not splitting the profits of a rare album.

And that his father is jealous of his full head of hair,

because he went bald at the tender age of 12.

Order. Case number 01333.

All rise for the honorable Judge...

Say wha?

Be seated.

Good day, Your Honor.

Mmm.

Looks like it could be.

I appreciate a man who knows how to dress for the occasion.

Why, thank you. And may I say,

a black robe has never looked more alluring.

I object. Prejudicial.

Say wha?

You're accusing me, the judge, of being prejudicial?

Sure you want to come at me like that?

Don't make me come dance over there.

Retracted.

Okay, so, uh, let me get this straight.

For $100, you sold your father an album you bought

from a flea market for $10.

In the words of Judge Mathis,

sounds like a crackhead move to me.

When your father

discovered that the album was worth $20,000,

you wanted him to split the money with you, correct?

Uh, yes, correct. I did all the--

Did I ask you all that?

One word, correct or incorrect?

Correct. I was just saying--

I will tell you when you can speak.

Okay. Go on.

I said go.

Okay, okay, okay. So, here's what happened.

I took the energy and the time

to drive down to the flea market.

After I got there, I paid for the parking--

Look, boy, this show is only 30 minutes long.

I don't care if you had to journey all the way down

to the Amazon River for it.

The question is,

did you sell said album to your fine-ass father for $100?

Yes, but it's not binding.

How so?

Because we never signed a contract.

I wrote it up, he didn't want to sign it.

I tried to do the gentleman's handshake.

He didn't want to do that, either.

Your Honor, he spit in his hand,

and then wanted me to shake that.

Just as nasty as you are rude.

It was entrapment.

Ha. Entrapment?

How can it be entrapment?

You were the seller, he was the buyer.

Sounds like he was a good bitness man to me.

Say wha?

Enough from the plaintiff.

Now let's hear from Mr. Fulton.

What say you?

Well, Your Honor, I first want to say

what an honor it is to be in your presence.

- Objection. He is clearly-- - Overruled.

You had your turn to speak, Father-Suer.

Go on, baby.

Your Honor, when...

my son came home from the flea market

with this Billie Holiday--

Billie Holiday! Get that.

Get that.

I love me some Billie.

Lady Day.

Great taste in music, and knows how to wear a suit.

Go on.

Well, Your Honor, when I saw it, I said,

"Hey, why don't you give that to your dear old dad?"

The man who brought you into the world,

who sacrificed to-to, you know,

send him to private school,

despite having diabetes.

Self-inflicted. Hush, boy.

Disrespectful, too.

I'm guilty, Your Honor. I love sweet things.

You put a hot cherry pie in my face,

I'm gonna eat it up.

Mmm.

I love me a warm cookie. You know what I'm saying?

Oh.

It's getting hot in here.

What is happening?

Proceed.

Well, you know what he said to me, Your Beautifulness?

What?

"No, I won't give it to you, I'll sell it to you."

Say wha?

And you know what he said, Your Honor?

Hmm? And I quote,

"A deal is a deal,

all sales final," end quote.

Mm, mm, mm.

Anyway, Your Honor, ever since my divorce, I've been trying--

So you're single?

And vulnerable.

I've made my judgment.

Young man, you thought you was gonna get over on your daddy

like a fat rat.

But instead, you got your gibski chumped.

Say wha...?

But you were right about one thing, though.

A deal is a deal.

I rule in favor of the dapper defendant.

Case dismissed.

Say wha?

Now you go.

De-fine-dant. Yes, Your Honor?

Please approach the bench, slowly.

Oh, my goodness...

Here's my card.

Oops.

I'll get it.

Say butt? Say butt?

Ah!

Uh, you were the clear winner today.

How does it feel?

Well, I feel like justice prevailed,

and, um, I hope my son learned a valuable lesson.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a $20,000 lesson.

Let me tell you something.

My sweat equity

found that album in the first place.

This is , all right?

And this sniper over here

came and me over.

I don't like this!

This is horse, all right?

this in the-- Okay. You're done.

Can we talk?

I don't know, Tevin Campbell, can we?

Because that friendship you said wasn't going anywhere

seems to have gone somewhere.

I just wanted to share my publisher's feedback.

Ivy, she obviously knows more than me.

Just take her notes--She said

it feels like a retread.

How'd you take it?

I laughed, walked out of her office,

came back in, gave her another chance,

climbed out the window, came back in.

So you took it the same?

I should've listened to you from the get-go.

It's just... Nina, this is my tenth book in five years.

I feel like I don't have anything new to say.

Well, I know there's something big

in that brain of yours,

and I know it's getting ready to pop soon.

That sounds like an aneurysm.

But thank you.

It's okay.

Well...

bidding for the album is up to $23,000 now.

So when are you gonna sell it, man?

Or are you just gonna keep torturing me?

Why are you so concerned with what I do with my album?

Because I don't have any money!

Don't you get it, Dad? Are you dumb?

I'm poor!

Do you even know who Billie Holiday was?

Yeah. He was awesome.

He owns old hotels, he sings all those Christmas songs.

No, she is a female icon.

Sit down.

Let me tell you a little about Lady Day.

♪ There ain't nothing I can do

♪ Or nothing I can say...

She was a brilliant jazz singer-songwriter

whose music just about influenced

every artist that came after her.

Do you hear this voice?

It's haunting. It gives me goosebumps.

I have to admit, she is giving me the feels.

♪ And don't care...

So how much you selling it for?

Nothing!

Some things are priceless.

That's why that's going into my special collection.

And you know who gets that collection when I'm gone?

Trey.

But I do have something for you, son.

Bam.

♪ Ain't nobody's business...

Wait, what?

$10,000?

Dad, you didn't have to do that.

All right. No, no, no, no.

Look, I believe in you. I like your hustle.

And I'm investing in your film.

Thanks, Dad.

I feel awful.

Say that again?

I said I feel awful.

Oh, that sounds so good.

Marker. And vulnerable.

Is your name Almond?

'Cause I got "Joy."

Boy, stop.

You know he got sugar diabetes.

I'm sorry.

I like chocolate, not the nuts.