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1 ♪ It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's a family guy! ♪

We now return to Jack Ryan,

starring the guy who used to smirk a lot on The Office.

Jack, we launched the drone strike against the terrorists

like you suggested, but hit a hospital instead.

What are you doing? Six people died.

Oh, I get it.

The joke is his hair isn't fully combed.

Wait, what happened?

Oh, your mom bought an app that cuts power to the TV

once I've reached my daily screen time limit.

Peter, the app says that...

- I know! - Keep it down, guys.

I'm trying to land a 757 in Dubai

with a crosswind and a broken landing gear.

For the last week, Brian's been getting into

some stupid flight simulator game.

It's not stupid. And I'm fairly amazing at it.

Earlier, I landed in Texas,

not gonna tell you the city 'cause it affects the joke,

but when I landed, I said,

"Houston, we don't have a problem."

What? What was the city?

And another perfect landing. Check it out.

Oh, I can't even look at screens over shoulders.

- Lois said. - Peter, the app just...

I'm not looking!

All right, time to finally organize this closet.

Let's see what we got. Uh...

Packaging from every Apple product we own

'cause it seems too nice to just throw away.

Oh, look it's Mommy's old Easy-Bake Oven

from when she was a girl.

If it's not big enough for you to stick your head in,

I have no interest.

Stewie, you might like playing with this.

Ooh, I'll go get a rag to clean it.

Don't bother. I don't need your stupid garbage girl toys

from the 1940s, grandma!

I love trucks and dinosaurs...

Oh, my God, Rupert, I've always wanted an Easy-Bake Oven!

Oh, I haven't been this excited since we watched

the series finale of Caillou.

♪ Don't stop believin' ♪

♪ Hold on to that feelin' ♪

♪ Street lights, people ♪

♪ Oh, ah ♪

♪ Don't stop... ♪

Huh. Looks like Jerome's switching

to all recycled paper goods.

Joe, don't punish us just 'cause you forgot your phone.

I didn't forget it. I asked Bonnie why she looked so tired

and she hucked it in the pool.

Whew, pretty windy out there.

Feels like 21 knots coming in from the southwest.

Right, Quagmire?

What... What is this?

Ah, nothing, I'm just talking a little shop with you

now that I've officially entered your world.

"Entered my world"?

Yeah, I've been totally crushing it

on this flight simulator app, and now I realize

flying a plane is nowhere near as hard as I thought.

Brian, don't belittle the expertise my job requires.

Playing a game on an iPad and flying a commercial airliner

are two very different things.

Whoa, running into a bit of headwind here.

Brian, there is no way you could ever do what I do.

Has anybody ever made a joke

about the quality of paper straws?

Because I just thought of a pretty hot take.

Stewie, what is that incredible smell?

Just a simple pizza I thought Rupert might like.

You know, since he's a basic little bitch

who shops at Filene's.

Well, it's delicious.

Almost as good as Caserta's.

Thanks, but Caserta's is no Arturo's.

Ever had Arturo's?

No, but nothing can top DePetrillo's.

Mr. DePetrillo is from Sicily

and makes all the dough by hand every morning.

Did I tell you I met him?

No, no, I would've remembered because I wouldn't have cared.

Stewie, this is amazing pizza.

You know, I feel like maybe you and I could open up

a really successful boutique pizza place.

Are you serious? I'm in.

But mostly to get a Michelin star.

It's always been my dream to have my culinary talents

validated in print by a tire company.

Okay, and final thing before we push back,

which six seats do you want to disable the TVs on?

- Morning, boys. - Brian? What are you doing?

Only qualified personnel are allowed in here.

Then why do all pilots leave the door open

when people are boarding?

We... We're supposed to help hand out

mileage plan credit card applications.

But why are you even here? You're going to Orlando?

Yeah. I took what you said the other night to heart

and I've enrolled in a flight training school in Florida

called Huffman Aviation.

Isn't... Isn't that where the 9/11 hijackers trained?

I don't know, I just used a coupon.

Just take your seat.

I-I mean,

would you like to earn 10,000 bonus miles by applying today

for the Transnational Airlines Mastercard?

Hey there, how are you doing?

Just so you know, as of this year,

I'm allowed to hit you as hard as I can.

Out of my way!

Jim, are you okay?

I think he's got food poisoning.

It must've been that sack lunch of leftover shrimp

from his niece's wedding.

Well, thank God you didn't have any.

Well, actually, he kept waving the bag in my face and asking,

"Does this taste funny to you?" I-I didn't want to be rude.

Ah! It's coming!

Don't worry, Quagmire, I can take over.

Are you crazy? You could never in a million yea...

Ah! Son of a bitch!

Dammit! Get out of the way!

I'm gonna have to take a boy band.

- What does that mean? - "In sink."

I also would've accepted "back-streak boys."

And it's definitely coming out at "98 degrees"

in "one direction."

In any case, it's all gonna sound and smell terrible.

I'm taking over.

No, Brian, don't you touch anything!

Look, I got this.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for landing.

Hey, my TV stopped working.

And now mine's working.

Lower your flaps more and...

- ease off the throttle. - Roger that.

I don't believe it. He actually pulled it off.

Welcome to Orlando. And as a reminder,

there are a few passengers who have a very short turnaround

to meet their drug dealers, so if you could clear the aisle

and let them off first, that'd be great.

- Excuse me. - Pardon me.

- Thank you. - Thank you, guys.

Today, we honor two brave citizens

who showed coolness under pressure

to get that plane safely on the ground.

Now, if someone could hold these giant scissors...

I needed them for the thing before this,

and the thing after this, but not for this.

Brian, Glenn, please accept these keys to the city.

A lot about being mayor

is having enormous junk drawer things.

Gentlemen, Tom Tucker, Channel 5 News.

Quite an honor for you two today.

Is there a question in there?

Honestly, Tom, I was just grateful to be on scene

- and able to help. - Terrific.

So, two-part question for both of you:

Brian, does the weather outside today

- seem "comfortable"? - No.

And, Glenn, if you were a producer and you said

to your talent that it was "comfortable" outside...

Could've brought a coat, Tom. I'm not your mother.

Well, that'll do it from City Hall.

This is Tom Tucker reporting live on the scene

because it's close to my son's karate thing.

Hi, you two. I'm Keith, the lowest-level executive possible

from Transnational Airlines.

Listen, you two are great on camera together,

and people love this feel-good story of heroism.

We'd like to send you both on a multi-state press tour

to share your story.

Really? That'd be amazing.

Eh, I don't know...

It'll be great PR. You saved a ton of lives.

You're actually friends.

And we could use something like this

after that toilet flush sucked in a baby.

Yeah, I'm not sure a press tour is...

And I forgot to mention that, as a pilot,

you are contractually obligated

to represent the airline to the media.

- Oh. - Come on, Quagmire,

we might actually have fun together on a press tour.

I mean, crazier things have happened.

Look at Pete Davidson's love life.

I just text them back promptly.

That's it. That's the secret.

Stewie, the line is huge.

How did we get so many customers right out of the gate?

Oh, I-I see, you're calling us a pop-up.

Oh, yeah, you do that and white people go frickin' crazy.

- I saw this place on Facebook. - I saw it on TikTok.

I read a blurb in Parade magazine.

Did you know LeAnn Rimes is happier than she's ever been?

- Can I get a slice? - Okay, let's start with the easy one:

We don't do "slices."

Next, you can start by scanning the QR code

to enter yourself in the raffle.

Ooh, is that an Android? Here.

What's this, your website?

No, it's the number for Domino's.

Take a hike, idiot.

Domino's. We meet the legal definition of "pizza."

Pharmacy.

Refill a prescription.

Refill a prescription.

Representative.

Speak to a representative.

Will you quit doing personal crap

and focus on our interview?

Okay, we're almost ready,

but just so we get the on-screen labels correct,

you're the one who landed the plane,

and you're the one who pooped in the sink?

Welcome back to Good Morning, Akron,

Ohio's only opioid-free morning show.

Brian, Glenn, how do you prepare for an emergency like this?

Well, all pilots are highly trained...

There's no training for a moment like this.

You're just relying on pure gut instinct.

But when you've landed at as many airports as I have...

On an iPad.

... you draw on that experience...

It's an app that costs $2.99.

... to the point where it's almost like muscle memory.

You can also get the app for free,

but you have to sit through a lot of ads for the Army.

These guys are good. We gotta get this on the road.

- Wheels up, Jack. - It's Jacqueline now.

And back to HR I go.

You know, when you take off, you never think

you're gonna see your pilot pooping in the sink.

But a real hero knows that's when you have to step up.

Well, it's a good question, but I think I knew

within a couple minutes of taking the first bite.

You only end up using like three of those buttons.

I thought those guys were, like, geniuses.

Well, I've read that shrimp is actually supposed to be cooked

to 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

I-I can't do the noises, but y-you get it.

Diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea.

I can't do the noises, but you get it.

Stewie, check it out.

Dave Portnoy from Barstool Sports

just tweeted he's coming to our restaurant tomorrow

to do one of his One Bite Pizza Reviews.

Awesome. Who's Dave Portnoy?

He's like if a high-school athlete got one genie wish.

But he also happens to be one of the most influential

pizza place kingmakers on the internet.

Really? Chris, that's fantastic.

I know.

And we better get started now,

'cause he likes his pizza extra crispy.

Uh, wh... what was that?

Oh, this is not good.

The light bulb in the Easy-Bake Oven burned out.

That's fine, we have tons of light bulbs in the house.

Chris, we're in trouble.

This is a custom bulb from the 1960s.

It's 200 watts

and made with 40% lead.

There's literally nobody

who would have a light bulb this old.

There might be one person.

Oh, there you are, Jesse.

Man, Arnie is so excited for you guys

to do this ad for him.

So, what, now we're pitchmen?

Guys, this is free advertising for the airline,

and we could use the distraction.

We, uh... we dragged another Asian doctor off a plane.

Okay, let's roll it.

Hi, I'm local hero Brian Griffin.

And I'm Glenn "Diarrhea" Quagmire.

If you're looking to buy a car,

you want to make a smooth landing,

not take a dump in the sink.

That's right. So, come on down

to Brockner Toyota for some explosive deals.

If you're hunting for a car,

don't pull a "Quagmire."

Sorry, sorry, what the hell is this?

Oh, Mr. Brockner always likes to have some humor in his ads.

Humor? Some fat guy pretending to be me

pooping in a sink is the humor?

Damn it, Brian, that's enough.

I was in the military,

and I have worked for 25 years in aviation.

My whole life, I dreamed that someday,

maybe I'd even have my own Sully Sullenberger moment.

But it'll never happen now.

Have you tried Googling me? It's just this!

Yeah. Wow, and if you Google Image "diarrhea,"

it's just pictures of you and George Brett.

Not only am I not getting the respect I deserve,

but I'm the punchline in a story

where you're the hero. You!

You know what, I quit.

Wait, you can't quit the press tour.

It's in your contract.

Plus, we've still got one more event to do.

Oh, I'm finishing the press tour.

A pilot always lands the plane.

I meant that I quit being a pilot.

- Where are you going? - To be alone and think.

This is how pilots do it.

I bought a mattress at the wrong store.

Don't "Quagmire" the bed.

Shop the Weekapaug Sleep Outlet.

This mattress commercial

feels very similar to that car commercial.

What the hell's Quagmire doing?

It looks like he's throwing away all his pilot uniforms.

Yeah, he, uh...

he said he was quitting his job.

I think the press tour's been a little rough on him.

He's throwing out the pants, too?

Those are just blue pants. Someone could wear those.

"Rough on him?" In... in what way?

I don't know, like maybe he feels bad

I stole his thunder by landing his plane.

This shirt with those blue pants?

Could be a sweet look for the club.

Well, I watched those interviews, Brian.

You weren't exactly gracious to him.

Or maybe the night before a wedding.

I'm getting those pants.

Lois, this is not my fault.

Was I supposed to not land that plane?

And, come on, it's not like Quagmire's a saint.

You know what he's like.

Yes, we all know the bad things about Quagmire,

but you took away his one good thing.

If nothing else, he's always been an outstanding pilot.

It's the only thing anyone ever respected about him.

Lois is right, Brian.

Wearing that pilot's hat means something.

It's one of the few remaining hat jobs.

You guys are right.

I gotta fix things with Quagmire.

In fact, I'm gonna see him tomorrow

for our last press appearance,

and I know just how to make things better.

Is the room getting spinny to anyone else?

Peter, take those pants off.

I can't, my arms are numb.

So, what's the plan? We just ask

for one of his light bulbs from the 1960s?

Oh, no way.

Mr. Herbert's really weird

about his possessions.

He lived through the Depression,

so he hangs onto everything.

Oh, well, look who it is.

Do come in.

What brings you boys by?

Actually, Mr. Herbert,

I, uh, noticed a new mole on my thigh

and wanted to ask if it looks misshapen to you.

Well, let's have a little look-see.

Oh...

There's not one book in here that's a real book.

Ah! Damn it.

There it is. What do you think?

Merciful heavens.

Ah, got it.

Do you hear

those muffled cries in the next room?

It's the TV.

Doesn't sound like the...

We've got pizza to make. It's the TV.

Look, I know you're still mad,

but this is our last event,

so let's make the best of it.

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

Say, will you look at that?

Seems like maybe it's someone's big chance

to step up and be the hero.

What? What's going on?

I may have unplugged his insulin pump,

but I'm guessing somebody knows how to drive this thing.

Why the hell would I know how to drive a boat?

I don't... I mean,

isn't it all kind of the same thing?

You really "Quagmire'd" this whole thing, Brian.

God, now I'm doing it.

Dave Portnoy's gonna be here any minute to do his review.

Oh, God, I think that's him.

Hey, how you doing?

Dave Portnoy from Barstool Sports.

Wow. Welcome, Mr. Portnoy.

Aw, come on, please. Call me Dave.

"Mr. Portnoy" is how I'm referred to in court documents.

Well, we are very excited for you

to "One Bite Review" our pizza... Dave.

Whoa, spectacular undercarriage.

Zero flop. I am hopeful.

Oh, this pizza's amazing.

Once I post my review,

you guys'll have a line from here to Boston

filled with nothing but UFC fans and insurrectionists.

Did you hear that, Stewie?

We're gonna be rich.

Sorry, but the health department sent me over

- to ask a few questions. - Okay.

- Do you have a business license? - No.

- Do you have proper refrigeration? - No.

Did either of you wash your hands

- before making this pizza? - No.

Have either of you ever washed your hands?

- No. - Are either of you

currently crapping your pants?

- Yes. - A little bit, yes.

Okay, listen. I'm not here to give you a hard time.

You're a small business.

I'm willing to let this stuff slide.

Oh, uh, there's one other question here.

Do you have a handicap access ramp?

No.

You people are animals!

I'm shutting this place down.

Well, Chris, we had a good run.

We sure did.

Hey, Meg, where'd you get those pants?

They were just on the ground.

Well, I'm off to the club.

Come on, stupid boat.

Okay, I think if I can just point us

a bit more that way...

Oh, crap, it's the Block Island ferry!

Aw, snap!

Don't try to appear young right now.

Damn it, Brian, look what you did!

What the hell were you thinking?

I'm so sorry, Quagmire.

I just saw how much you'd been hurt

by all that had happened,

and I guess I just wanted to give you

your Sully Sullenberger moment.

I clearly screwed that up, but the truth is

you're a hero every day

just by getting people safely to their destination.

Oh.

Wow. Thanks, Brian.

And, hey, on the bright side,

you saved all these people on the duck boat.

The media will definitely recognize you

as a hero now.

A duck boat helmed by

local diarrhea celebrity Glenn Quagmire

collided with a ferry today,

blocking the only shipping lane into Quahog Harbor.

The complete blockage will result in months-long delays

in the delivery of goods,

including shipments of hops for beer-making,

acne medicine, and hair dye for men.

Mmm, this used to be a town

where a man could keep a secret.

Well, Brian, thanks to you,

every store shelf in town is empty,

but at least you landed that plane.

No one can ever take that away from you.

The FAA released data today from the black box of a plane

that recently saw an emergency landing

by civilian passenger Brian Griffin.

According to the newly recovered data,

the airplane's autopilot system

actually landed the plane

- and not Brian. - Ha!

That's our show for tonight.

And now, the Channel Five theme music

while our audio guy forgets to mute my mic.

Anyway, as I was saying, in exchange for sex,

I'll help advance your career.

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com -