Original subtitles

CATHY: Previously on The Big C...

How does your husband feel? I haven't told him yet.

Tell someone, Cathy.

Hi, Cathy, it's Dr. Mauer. Who's that?

I've been meaning to talk to you about something.

This is what you mean by fun? A little doctor fun on the side?

Is that why I'm sleeping on my sister's couch?

You dad isn't living here because I only wanted to raise one kid and I chose you.

And from now on,

I'm gonna raise you so hard your head's gonna spin.

I'll pay you 100 bucks for every pound you lose.

You don't have permits for this job.

One of your neighbors complained. Which one?

You're a pain in the ass.

Well, guess who's not gonna swim in my pool.

CATHY: I want to be the one to spill the fruit punch.

PAUL: But you're not the spilling-the-fruit-punch type.

I'm gonna burn my couch in the back yard on Friday.

You're starting to get your weird back, sis.

You have no idea.

CATHY: You're never gonna pick them up, are you?

I've been asking you to hang up your clothes since you could dress yourself

but you never do.

So, eventually I pick them up because it's easier,

but now I feel guilty that by allowing you to be a slob

has done you a disservice.

I'm trying to sleep.

And what's worse, I've done a disservice to your future wife.

What are you talking about?

I'm a teacher who can't teach my son

the importance of basic neatness and courtesy.

It's almost funny, isn't it?

Not really.

What? Mom, what are you doing?

What's that smell?

Mom!

What are you doing?

I'm burning the couch.

I've always hated it and now it's gone.

Thank God I'm going to soccer camp tomorrow, because you're crazy.

Do me a favor and skip parent's weekend.

Hey, do you want to track Uncle Sean down

with me later and maybe we could...

I love you, Adam!

What the hell are you burning?

I've got ashes floating in my coffee cup

and my tongue tastes like a Marlboro.

It'll be out in a minute, Marlene.

You can't just burn a fire in a residential neighborhood without a permit.

Why don't you call the cops on me,

like you did when I tried to make this my pool?

Now I get to wait 3 months for those permits.

Should be done by Christmas though,

which will make my pool more of an ice rink.

Why don't you come on by for a skate?

You'd like me to break my hip, wouldn't you?

You wanna come in for some coffee, Marlene? I'll make a fresh pot.

No.

No, thank you, Cathy!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

You gained two pounds, Andrea.

Fuck that. I've been starving myself all week.

Don't say "fuck".

And don't starve yourself. That always backfires.

So does binge eating.

But then at least that way I get to fall asleep

with the taste of frosting in my mouth.

Do you do any exercise?

All the time.

I'm training for a triathlon right now. These are my running shoes.

Well, research shows that you get as much out of walking as jogging.

By research, do you mean Glamour Magazine?

'Cause I read that article, too.

Just walk.

Walk around the track, or up and down the street or in place,

but just walk.

For 100 bucks a pound, I'll do it,

but I'm pretty sure another bikini season will pass me by.

Bikinis are cruel to almost everyone.

I guess that's why Naked Nancy lets it all hang out.

Who's Naked Nancy?

You never been to the roof?

(PANTING) Oh, yeah!

Mr. Adelman!

Sorry. Put that away!

Yeah. Just checking the AC.

So what kind of time frame are we talking about?

I couldn't say for sure. Ballpark it.

I need to plan my clothing allowance.

Well, melanoma can be tricky. It can take a lot of different paths.

But at least a year, right?

I would think.

Year and a half? Possible.

Three to five?

We can hope.

You're sure they didn't come up with a cure this week?

You'd call me right away if they did?

Don't give that job to a lazy nurse.

We've talked about the clinical trials. We've discussed Interleukin-2.

But I just remember you saying there's no really effective treatment.

Is that still true?

Sorry.

The silver lining is I'll be gone before my wrinkles get too deep.

See you later, eye cream.

Let's open your robe and take a look.

I know you mean that clinically, but still, somehow,

I feel like I'm cheating on my husband.

He's actually never seen me naked under fluorescents.

I don't think he's ever seen me in direct light of any kind.

Well, I've seen you inside and out,

so there's no need to feel uncomfortable.

I saw someone sunbathing naked today.

She was in her backyard, but still.

What if the gas guy walked back there to check the meter

or some kid looked over her fence looking for his ball?

I mean, that's what I'd be thinking.

Yeah, well, I hope she was wearing sunscreen

because that's a lot of sensitive skin exposed.

It's probably just a body to you.

What do you mean? It's part of your job, isn't it?

Touching and staring at peoples bodies.

I don't know. I like to think I still have some healthy subjectivity.

What do you think? (CHUCKLES)

Compared to the thousands you've seen. Come on.

Don't make me do this.

You can't hurt my feelings.

Bring it.

Cathy...

You're well above average.

For my age.

No, for any age. Believe me.

Believe me. You know, I've seen... And you have...

Well, you have an awesome rack.

I have an awesome rack?

(LAUGHS)

You say "rack"? Really?

Why do I feel like that comment could cost me my medical license?

Don't worry about it.

With any luck, you only have about

18 months to feel guilty about it.

Lucky for you.

Not so lucky for me.

Cathy! It's Paul!

If you're in the middle of affair sex right now,

could you please put your clothes on so we can talk?

Sorry for yelling.

I didn't want to barge in on you and your lover out of respect.

I'm big on respect.

Let's get a dictionary and look that word up for you.

I'm not having an affair, Paul.

That's what everybody who has an affair says in the beginning.

Trust me. I wouldn't even know how to get an affair started.

Sure you would. Same way you got me.

Just walk up to some guy and tell him he has food in his teeth

and let the sparks fly.

So, who is this doctor then?

He's my dermatologist, Paul.

He just was checking in.

After he burned some stuff off, I got a little woozy.

Then we need some help figuring this out 'cause I don't get it.

I don't get why I'm not living in my own house.

I don't get...

I don't get why I'm so freaking thirsty all the time.

It must be the adult-onset diabetes.

I can't get enough to drink.

That's why.

Huh?

Whenever you get anything out of the cabinet, you leave the door open.

Every single time.

And me asking you to shut them hasn't worked,

and it doesn't seem fair to keep getting angry or resenting you for it.

It's like Adam not picking up his clothes.

And now all those hours adding up to days

that I've spent closing cabinet doors and picking up clothes,

I now desperately want back.

So, that's why.

That's as clear as I can make it.

We need therapy.

You know Tony, that guy in HR with the mail-order bride,

he recommends this therapist who helped save his marriage.

Therapy doesn't sound like a good time to me.

Oh, come on, Cathy. You owe me this, at least.

Please.

Okay.

Thank you.

So, do you want to call or should I call?

I'll call. Let me call.

SEAN: It's hot today, isn't it?

It's actually 3 degrees hotter today in Minneapolis, than it was one year ago.

Do you know why? Global warming, baby!

And if you buy one of these gas guzzlers,

you're just part of the problem.

Nice weapon of mass destruction you're driving.

Put on some clothes. You're not as hot as you think you are.

Twat did you say? I cunt hear you.

Adam's cleaning out his closets.

He's probably going to be 2 inches taller

by the time he gets back from camp. Here.

You want any of these?

Too young. Too ugly.

Made in a sweatshop by Taiwanese infants. Nice going, sis.

These could work.

Oh, my God.

I saw my brother's penis. Somebody shoot me in the eye.

God, nobody noticed. Nobody cares.

But they could have. There are like 100 people here.

People don't care that much about other people in general.

If they did, they wouldn't be destroying the world we all live in.

Andrea!

What are you doing?

I'm walking.

And eating chips.

I walked all the way from home and I got hungry.

You told me not to starve myself.

Hi, I'm Sean.

While I generally like your look, you are sadly

the product of a rich and gluttonous society. (MOUTHING)

Our excess is killing you.

Buzz off, Jesus.

He a friend of yours?

This is totally non-nutritive.

You need to eat something that your body knows how to burn off,

like a fruit or a vegetable. Here, give me this.

No way. I paid for these.

I'll give you 10 bucks to throw them away.

Fine.

If you're going to throw them away, I'll take them.

Hey, how come I can't eat them but he can?

I don't care about him.

And I only eat trash.

So do you just drive around town

commenting on random people's food or what?

She'll never tell you this, but I'm her brother. Her secret shame.

The itch she can't scratch.

Shut your face up! Jesus is your brother?

That's awesome.

I'm fat, and you've got a brother that eats trash.

Yeah, everybody's got something.

What are you doing?

(SCOFFS)

You're just like your dad.

What? Does that mean you're going to kick me out of the house then, too?

You're not going to soccer camp this summer.

Wait. What?

No, I'm sorry. It's too long for you to be away,

and there are too many things we need to do.

Mom, it's six weeks. It's not that long. Are you kidding me?

I have a very short window to work with,

if that window hasn't shut already.

But we'll do fun things, too.

You already signed the papers. Dad wants me to go.

I know, I changed my mind. I'll talk to your dad.

No, I'll talk to him! He agrees with me about how nuts you are.

Mom, I'm sick of you. You ruin everything. Jeez.

Our son is a wreck. She won't let him go to camp all of a sudden.

And I'm a mess, and the worst part of it is,

somewhere deep down, I always knew she was gonna leave me,

and it's like I'm watching my worst fear come true,

and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

It's like on our wedding day.

I couldn't believe how lucky I was

that someone like her wanted to be with someone like me

'cause she's a 10 and I'm like a 4,

4 to 6, depending on the day.

And what really makes it sting is that

I haven't felt good about my body for some time now.

And I've been thinking of going to a doctor,

see if I have a thyroid problem,

or maybe I have to get back to the gym.

You made me cancel my gym membership

'cause you said I wasn't going enough,

but I wasn't going because I hurt my knee.

And then my knee got better, I couldn't go

because I wasn't a member any more.

But at least we got that extra 40 bucks in our pocket every month.

What are you thinking about, Cathy?

I'm thinking

how much Adam used to love playing

hide and seek with me when he was little.

And I'm simultaneously thinking

I'd really like a vanilla latte right now.

Do you think those two things are related?

Probably not.

(VIDEO GAME SOUNDS)

We're gonna have fun this summer, Adam.

Maybe you are.

We are. Without soccer camp.

Paintball.

What?

Well, I know how much you like playing it,

so I thought we could do it together.

And you can take out some aggression on me

and maybe you'll realize your old mom isn't such a drag all the time.

Paintball.

I like playing paintball with my friends.

I'd rather shoot myself in the head

than run around the yard playing with my mom.

Marlene?

Marlene?

What the... (EXCLAIMS)

Are you kidding me?

I am so, so sorry, Marlene.

Get out of here!

I tell you my name and now you're touching my face.

I brought you a latte.

And you're trying to scald me with it? Then what?

Burn my couch with me on it? No.

Do me a favor and forget my name!

I was just trying to be neighborly.

"Get out" doesn't mean run your mouth!

Stainless steel, you are kind.

Cathy! I know you're here.

'Cause your car is in the driveway

and the smell of cruelty is in the air.

Cathy?

Don't you knock?

On my own door? No. I'm not gonna do that.

Sorry if I'm not who you expected.

I wasn't expecting anyone.

What are you doing, honey?

You're laying naked in broad daylight in the middle of our yard.

I mean, I like it, don't get me wrong.

You remember when we were on our honeymoon in France

and we went to that topless beach

and there were women of all sizes and ages with their tops off

and I couldn't do it because I felt so ugly,

like I had to lose five pounds and my boobs were sagging?

I've been looking at old photographs and, you know what,

I was pretty cute back then but I couldn't feel it.

And this is my fault? Because I told you to go topless in France.

No. I did.

No, you didn't.

You said you were worried about getting an erection.

Speaking of which...

Well, what do you expect?

I don't know.

You want to do something about this?

(LAWN MOWER RUNNING)

Maybe.

Maybe?

Yeah. I want to do it in the grass.

Really?

You want me to do you in the ass?

No!

Grass!

I said grass.

I'm sorry. Really, Paul?

I... I... Wait...

Oh, come on, that's it?

Look, I have to go get dressed.

I have to pick up Adam at Brent's.

Well, he's not there. I just dropped him off

at school to get on the bus for camp.

He said you changed your mind.

And you didn't think to check with me?

Let him go, Cathy.

We can use this time to work on ourselves.

I came here to tell you that our therapist

had some great things to say after you left,

and I'm gonna keep on seeing her,

and I'm gonna fix our marriage,

even if I have to do it alone.

I need the summer, Paul. Just give me that, please.

(HONKING HORN)

Andrea!

What are you doing?

I'm exercising.

Do you have your license?

Yeah, but my picture sucks.

I don't care. Get in. You're driving.

Really?

Why the fuck did you do that?

Because I like you, Andrea.

Holy shit, Mrs. Jamison! Get down!

What are you doing? I can't drive that fast!

W-T-F, Mrs. Jamison?

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Mrs. Jamison, what are you...

I have to get my son.

Get off.

No, I'm not going to spend the entire summer with my lunatic mother.

Stop saying things like that.

I'm not crazy because I want to spend time with you this summer.

I just miss you.

I miss you so much.

Mom, I haven't been gone an hour.

When you were born everyone said to me,

"Don't let your baby sleep in the bed with you.

"You'll never get him out." But I couldn't help it.

I pulled you in to me, and I put my face

really close to your little face

so I could feel you breathing into my mouth and I knew you were safe.

Just stop talking right now.

Get off the bus, Adam. Please?

No!

Get off the bus.

No!

(KIDS LAUGHING)

Get off the damn bus.

Stop it! Jesus! Andrea!

Who is this? You're big back-up?

Shoot him again.

Fine!

GIRL: Behave yourself, Adam.

BOY: Say goodbye to your mommy, Adam.

Okay.

Sorry.

Sorry about this, everyone.

Enjoy soccer camp.

And don't bully anybody,

and remember to hang up your clothes when you take them off.

I like you, bitch.

(CHILDREN WHOOPING)

Back off. Oh, shit.

Adam? Adam?

Even though you said that you hate me, I know that you don't.

And no matter how many times you have to say it

in order to get your feelings out,

I don't want you to look back and hate yourself.

Because I know it's not true.

And even if it is now, I know that it won't be eventually.

So, I'm keeping him home.

Good move. You're gonna be real popular this summer.

I have no idea who I'm gonna be this summer.

You have any more of Adam's shirts with you? It's cold out here.

It's at least eight degrees colder

than it was this time last year.

Thanks everybody!

Did any of your friends ever think I was cute in high school?

You heard me. You know what I mean though.

Did they ever say, "Dude, your sister is hot"?

Or "I'd like to tap your sister's ass."

Oh, my God. Such a dead on impression of my friends.

It really takes me back.

Never mind.

You're the only one who's allowed to say what's on their mind.

That's fine.

I did. You did what?

I thought you were hot.

You did?

Yeah, I...

I can't believe I'm finally telling you this.

Look, I know this is going to sound sick to you

but please try not to judge for one second in your life.

I used to imagine you were my girlfriend.

Really?

I think that's why we fought all the time

because there was just so much frustration on my part.

And then I read The Hotel New Hampshire

and I felt such a sense of relief

because he writes about the sexual tension between the brother and sister

and I thought maybe I wasn't totally nuts.

Are you judging me?

No. No.

Then I have to tell you something else.

Physically, Cathy,

you have been

and will always be

the grossest person on Earth to me. (LAUGHS)

You're such a jackass. Shut up! (WHOOPING)

Shut up! You are so gullible that it is not even...

Stop it, jackass.

You're a jackass!

"My name is Cathy and my shit doesn't stink." Say it.

It smells like roses!