Original subtitles

♪♪ You can't run away from it ♪♪

♪♪ Better not even try ♪♪

♪♪ Better just close your eyes And say your prayers ♪♪

♪♪ You can't run away from it ♪♪

♪♪ I can't run away from it ♪♪

♪♪ Not with those lips nearby ♪♪

♪♪ Am I supposed to whisper? ♪♪

♪♪ Who cares ♪♪

♪♪ To whisper who cares ♪♪

♪♪ We could worry till We both got old ♪♪

♪♪ And gray from it ♪♪

♪♪ Trying our best to hide ♪♪

♪♪ Trying our best ♪♪

♪♪ To make believe ♪♪

♪♪ We never get starry-eyed ♪♪

♪♪ The moment is right ♪♪

♪♪ This is the night ♪♪

♪♪ That nearly Was ours before ♪♪

♪♪ And we can't run away ♪♪

♪♪ From it anymore ♪♪

- How's Ellie? - She is plain fighting' mad, sir.

- Good. - She hasn't eaten since we left Acapulco, sir.

Why didn't you force feed her?

You can't get near her for the stuff she throws.

I want a broiled steak, right away.

- Medium rare. - Yes, sir.

- Where is she? - Locked in your cabin.

You sure you got her right after the wedding?

They weren't together alone, or alone together?

Her shoes still had rice in 'em.

Well, that makes things much simpler.

What happened to the monkey she married?

Ballarino? Oh, he flew back to Houston.

I guess he thought we was takin' her home.

Too bad Texas quit being a republic.

We could deport him to Oklahoma.

Put down that bull, Ellie.

Father, you let me off this boat right now.

I'm sorry, baby, but that don't exactly fit in with my plans.

Can't you understand that this time,

you're too late to interfere?

How much did that boulder set me back?

Those two fun-loving thugs of yours

kidnapped me after the wedding.

I am already Mrs. Jacques Ballarino.

In name only, thanks to me.

And by the time we get back from Honolulu...

- Honolulu? - I'll have your annulment papers framed

and hanging on your bedroom wall.

Well, you have everything nicely arranged, as usual.

Well, this time it won't work.

No matter where you take me, or for how long,

I'll go straight back to my husband in Acapulco.

Do you think he could afford to stay there without you?

He's waiting for you back in Houston.

And that's why we ain't going there

till you're a free filly again.

Are you sure he's in Houston?

Probably opening charge accounts in your name.

Ellie, honey, you don't love that Ballarino.

You only married him because I told you not to.

He's the most understanding man I have ever met.

Sure, he understands it's smart to keep on marryin' women

who can pay a fancy price to get rid of him.

Ellie, honey,

he's not for a down-to-earth Texas gal like you.

Texas gal?

You haven't let me spend more than six months in Texas since I was 10.

School in Switzerland, the conservatory in Paris,

bodyguards posing as chaperones.

"I'm gonna make a lady out of you, Ellie, honey."

Well, isn't it possible to grow up to be a lady in Texas?

Come in.

I told you not to bring any food!

Wait a minute. That's not for you.

Come on, boy, put it right down here.

Yes, sir.

Nice, juicy porterhouse, out of our own herd.

- Have a bite? - Oh.

You're just a bullheaded idiot.

I come from a long line of bullheaded idiots.

Come on, baby, you don't have to eat it.

Just smell it.

You've had something coming to you for a long time.

Where's my hair brush?

Ellie! Ellie!

Stop her! Stop her, somebody.

Ellie! Ellie!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

- Lower the boat. - Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Don't just stand there. Do something.

Help!

Mr. Andrews, Red can't swim!

- Help! - Man overboard! Man overboard!

Help!

Ellie, baby, come back!

There's not a trace of her, sir.

Either she got away from us or...

- Or drowned. - Drowned?

She could swim the length of this harbor carrying a sack of horseshoes.

She's too smart for you.

Billings, take a wire to the Lovington Detective Agency.

"Daughter jumped corral again.

Watch all roads, airports and railroad stations

in and around San Diego."

I'll brand that...

- What are you waiting for? Send the wire. - Yes, sir.

- Mr. Andrews, I'm cold. - Go below.

I'd better help him.

Your attention, please.

The Scenicruiser is leaving for El Centro,

- Yuma. - Howdy.

Howdy. Tucson,

El Paso and all points east.

One ticket to Houston, please.

This is the wastin'est time I ever spent.

Ms. Andrews ain't gonna catch no bus.

El Centro. All aboard.

I don't even think she knows what a bus is.

You're lucky. This is the last seat.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

Ma'am, did I hear you say that was the last seat on the bus to Houston?

Yes, sir. There are no more seats available. I'm sorry.

Thank you, ma'am.

Well, I suspect that finishes us.

- We'd better get on back and report to Mr. Andrews. - Yeah.

- Here's your ticket, miss. - Oh, thank you very much.

Five, ten, 11.

Thank you. For your trouble.

Oh, you're real sweet.

Do you want any more favors?

No, thank you.

- Well, you can get on your bus now. - Thank you.

Now, that's all right by you, that's all right by me.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, my sincere friends.

Now mark my words well...

- Howdy. - Yeah, howdy.

When I get back to Houston,

though I have but one managing editor to punch in the nose,

you rest assured that he is but a symbol

of all managing editors everywhere.

Right? Right.

Thank you. Thank you.

And the blow that I strike

will be on behalf of the working press throughout the world!

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, now, now go, quickly.

I want to remember you as you are, standing up.

♪♪ Old reporters never die ♪♪

♪♪ They gradually decline ♪♪

Let's see if we can get this crate off the ground.

Well, that makes your load. And I do mean load.

♪♪ And they gradually decline ♪♪

♪♪ I've got Seat 39 ♪♪

♪♪ Seat 39 ♪♪

- Howdy. - Howdy.

Seat 39. Ah.

Uh, excuse me, lady, that upon which you sit is mine.

I beg your pardon.

I got a ticket here says Seat 39, by the window. Scoot.

Scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot, scoot. Scoot, scoot, scoot.

What is this, a section for midgets?

Take it out.

Why don't you get friendly and ask me to put that bag up in the rack for you?

Hm?

- Oh. - I said get friendly, not fresh.

Sit down.

Oh.

Hm?

Howdy, everybody, howdy.

Folks, I'm from Texas, and you know something?

When I get shore leave, you know what I do? I go home.

Yes, sir, I've made this trip lots of times.

And I'm telling you, it's gonna be a long spell for some of us.

And you know something? I aim to do something about it.

You know what makes a trip seem long? Being strangers.

You know what makes a trip seem short? Being friends.

You know the easiest way in the world to get friendly? By singing together.

Yes, sir, it's just that easy. Singing together.

Incidentally, folks, I'm Fred Toten from El Paso.

Been a Navy cook for 16 years.

Look at that, 16 years a Navy cook. Ha.

My mates call me Ptomaine Toten.

He's...

♪♪ Howdy, howdy ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ Won't you step up And shake my hand? ♪♪

♪♪ I'm an old apple-knocker And a pea-picker too ♪♪

♪♪ And I need a bosom buddy So I reckon it's you ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy, howdy ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ You're the best folks In this great land ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a small town doozy But I ain't been asleep ♪♪

♪♪ So I'm downright choosy But I likes you a heap ♪♪

♪♪ So howdy, howdy Howdy friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ Won't you step up And shake my hand? ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ There's a whole Lot of time to kill ♪♪

♪♪ Got an old deck Of playing cards ♪♪

♪♪ And just like I said ♪♪

♪♪ I can even tell your fortune By the bumps on your head ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ There's a jug On the window sill ♪♪

♪♪ I know all the parlor tricks In case you get riled ♪♪

♪♪ We play strip poker, friends With everything wild ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ Settle back 'Cause it's all downhill ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ Won't you step up And give me five? ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a real city slicker And a good-natured slob ♪♪

♪♪ Right now it just so happens That I'm out a job ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ I'm tickled to be alive ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a full-fledged Mason And an Elk and a Moose ♪♪

♪♪ When I like folks I slap 'em on the caboose ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ Won't you step up And give me five? ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ Won't you step up And shake my paw? ♪♪

♪♪ I'm an old bubble dancer And a racketeer's moll ♪♪

♪♪ But to folks Who really know me ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a regular doll ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a mean varmint On the draw ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a two-gun terror Born in Gopher Hole Gap ♪♪

♪♪ And back home I'm wanted On a homicide rap ♪♪

♪♪ So howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ Won't you step up And have a chaw? ♪♪

♪♪ Howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ Where this bus goes I don't recall ♪♪

♪♪ But with friends And relatives ♪♪

♪♪ Wherever it stops ♪♪

♪♪ We'll go honky-tonkin' Till they call out the cops ♪♪

♪♪ So howdy, howdy Howdy, friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ We may never get home We may never get home ♪♪

♪♪ We may never get home ♪♪

♪♪ At all ♪♪

Your attention, please.

We are now in the lovely city of El Centro,

where we're going to make our dinner stop.

You will have exactly 20 minutes. Enjoy yourselves.

Hm. Well...

Twenty minutes, just time enough to burn a hamburger, huh?

Hm?

Hey, you!

Hey, wait, come... Hey! Come back!

All aboard, folks. 20 minutes is up. Gotta get rollin'.

They're waiting for us in Tucson. All aboard, please.

He got away. I never ran into so many garbage cans in my life.

Even if I knew what you were talking about,

I really wouldn't be interested.

What? What do you have to do to get through to you?

I'm talking about the character that just stole your bag.

- It's gone. - No.

Oh, this is terrible.

Don't tell me your bus ticket was in it.

No, but my money. All but this $6.

Well, you've got relatives, haven't you?

I mean, you can wire for money at the next stop.

Are you crazy?

- Huh? - I mean, yes.

- That's exactly what I'll do. - Yeah.

All aboard, folks. This is it. Everybody please.

Tell the driver about your bag.

- Shh. - Well, what's the matter?

How do you expect to collect on a theft if you don't report it?

- What's your name? I'll report it. - I don't want it reported.

The company has to know.

Will you please stay out of my affairs? Leave me alone.

Howdy.

You ungrateful... brat.

Did you have a nice dinner, ma'am?

Yes, thank you.

That's fine.

Well, we ought to be shoving off any minute. Yeah, here we go now.

You'd better settle back and get nice and comfortable. Tucson's a long way off.

I'm sorry. Sorry, ma'am. Terribly sorry. Terribl...

- It's all right. - Sorry.

What's...

Good morning, folks. Rise and shine.

Well, we finally made it. Here we are in Tucson.

Land of sunshine and cowboys.

You have exactly 20 minutes for breakfast.

Go and get it. Enjoy yourselves.

Dozen scrambled eggs, here I come.

Oh, that's for me, that ham and eggs.

Morning.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I... I, uh...

- Thank you very much. - Mm-hmm.

- Where are we? - This is the breakfast stop. Tucson.

Oh, I guess I actually fell asleep.

- Mm-hmm. - Why didn't you push me away?

Well, I didn't want to wake you up.

You looked kind of pretty asleep.

You say we're in Tucson?

Yeah, how about some breakfast?

Oh, no. No, thank you.

I have some very important business to attend to.

In 20 minutes? You'll never make it.

Oh, they'll wait for me.

I may be a few minutes late, driver. Wait for me.

I'll do that lady. Ha!

Wait for her.

They don't know it, but they'll never see me again. I just quit.

Excuse me. Where is the Houston bus?

Oh, it, uh, gone at least 15 minutes, miss.

I was on that bus. I told the driver to wait.

He couldn't do that, miss. He's on a schedule.

- So am I. - Howdy.

Remember me? I'm the fellow you slept on last night.

What time is the next bus?

To Houston? 8:00 p.m.

Eight o'clock tonight?

- Why that's... - Ten hours from now.

Sorry, miss.

Did you ever meet such inconsiderate people?

I distinctly heard you order that driver to wait.

Well, why are you acting so superior? You missed it too.

Yeah, I missed it too.

Oh, now don't tell me you did it on my account.

I hope you don't think that because of what happened last night that...

May I tell you again, once and for all,

that you needn't concern yourself about me?

I can take care of myself.

Well, you're doing a pretty sloppy job of it. Here's your bus ticket.

- I found it on the seat. - Oh.

It must have fallen from my purse.

You'll never get away with this, Ms. Andrews.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I said you'll never get away with it.

Your father will find you before you get to Houston.

You must have me confused with someone else.

Oh, you can forget that bit right now.

It's all over the front pages.

Now, if they're playing the story this big in Tucson,

can you imagine what the Texas papers are doing with it?

I'm not interested.

You know, I always wondered what kind of women

would help Ballarino keep up his batting average of one bride a year.

Take my advice, grab the next bus back to your father in San Diego.

This cat, Ballarino, is strictly out for himself and your old man's wallet.

I didn't ask for your advice.

That's right, you didn't.

I suppose you're going to get in touch with my father and tell him that,

for a price, you'll let him know where I am.

Uh, I hadn't thought of that.

Well, now listen, if you promise not to do that, I'll pay you.

I'll pay you just as much as he will.

It's terribly important that I get to Houston before I'm stopped.

I don't have the money now.

I had to... Do you know, I had to pawn my engagement ring to buy these clothes?

But I promise I'll pay you just as soon as we get there.

Lady, did it ever occur to you to just say,

"Please, mister, I'm in trouble, I need help?"

No, you couldn't think that way.

You're just a spoiled brat of a rich father.

You think the only way you'll ever get anything is to buy it.

Well, you can relax. As far as I'm concerned,

I'm not interested in your money or your problem.

You, Ballarino, and your old man, you all got rocks in your head.

Honey.

Well, good morning.

Well, some other time. Let's, uh, read the telegram.

"To Joe Gordon, Houston Dispatch,

Houston, Texas. Message: "Am I laughing?

You wanted stories about Texans?

Well I've got a blockbuster.

The biggest Texas story in years fell right into my lap.

I know where Ellen Andrews is."

- Do you really? - Oh, come on, just send the telegram, huh?

"How would you like to have the story, you big tub of..."

- Lard. - Lard?

- Lard. - Lard.

"Well, try and get it.

Are you burning?

Signed: Peter Warne."

Yeah, that's me. Huh?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16...

That'll be three dollars and 26...

Yeah, that's fine. Here's my press card. Just send it collect.

- Collect? - Just send it collect.

- Excuse me. - Oh, sure, sure.

- Kind of a tight fit. - Sorry.

Well, a cute little chick comes to rest in my hip little nest.

Hiya, doll.

Shapely's my name. George Shapely.

And that's how I like 'em, real george and shapely.

Mm, I bet you must have been up in front

when they passed out that crazy equipment.

And I'm just the cat that digs it the very most, too.

Say, it was shrewd, real shrewd of you to sit next to Daddy-o.

You gotta be careful not to pick up one of these squares

on one of these swinging safaris.

But with solid Shapely, you've got it made.

What's the matter, baby, don't you talk?

I thought you were doing it for both of us.

I'm hip.

That makes you one-up.

Oh, yes, indeedy. You know, I always say, you gotta be cool to be crazy.

And believe me, baby,

hmm, you're the craziest.

Believe me, brother, I've had enough of "believe me you."

Wow. Zowie. This chick comes on like gangbusters.

Give me some skin.

- Hey, noisy. - Huh?

Get up, I wanna sit next to my wife.

- Your wife? - My wife.

You making the old "promise me" bit with this cat?

Yeah. Come on, get over in this here.

Oh, sure. Happy anniversary.

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cut you out, pops.

Just trying to get things swinging a little on the bus.

Swing it over in the other seat, boy.

- Huh? - Blow, Dad.

Oh, I'm hip. Don't get nervous.

Just relax. Play it cool, Daddy.

Just being nervous about the whole thing, you know.

Just traveling through myself.

Man, this transportation wigs me. You know...

If you promise not to snap my head off, I'd like to thank you.

Well...

Forget it, his voice was getting on my nerves.

Where were you all day?

Hiding in a hotel room.

What, renting? A hotel, with $6 to your name?

What did it cost you?

Four bu... dollars.

Are you a complete idiot?

At the rate you're going you'll starve to death before you get to Houston.

- Now, just a minute... - Just a minute.

Now, from now on, you're on a budget.

- You can't... - I can.

- Give that to me. - Be quiet, or I'll leave you here alone again.

What's the trouble, officer?

Road's washed out ahead.

We have a radio message for you from your office not to turn back.

We'll have the road open by morning.

Hey, what happened? What is it?

- A road washed out. - Oh.

If any of your passengers like to bed down for the night,

there's a place nearby, a few cabins.

- Yeah? Where is it? - Right over there.

Right. Thanks.

Glad to have you with us.

Yeah, nice to be here. Okay, we're all set!

Good evening, ma'am. I hope you and your husband rest comfortable.

What are you gonna do? Stand out in the rain all night?

Well, aren't you the busy little bee?

Yeah, one of us has to do something.

Planning on taking in washing?

No, it's for the Walls of Jericho.

Oh, really?

I have just had the unpleasant experience

of hearing you referred to as my husband.

Uh, yeah. I registered as mister and misses.

Just like that?

Yeah. Which bed do you want?

You know, compared to you, my friend, Shapely, is an amateur.

Whatever gave you the idea I'd stand for this rural rendezvous?

There's something we'd better get straightened out right now.

If you think I'm interested in you,

you're as wet as that coat you're wearing.

You're just a headline to me.

Are you a newspaperman?

At last, I get through to you.

You...

Look, you wanna get to that character, Ballarino, don't you?

Well, I'm here to help you.

All I want from you is your story.

Exclusive. Day-to-day. You know, all about the mad flight to happiness.

I need this story.

Just between you and me, I gotta have it.

My, you are a brainy one.

You have everything nicely figured out for yourself, haven't you?

Look, it is simple mathematics.

When I took over the family budget,

you had two bucks, I had five and a quarter.

Now, we have to eat tomorrow morning, wifey dear,

and the family budget will not stand separate cabins.

So...

- Thank you. - Yeah.

You have been very kind.

Oh, now what? Are we going out in the rain?

- We? - Yeah. If you go, I follow.

And if you get tough with me, I'll turn you over to your old man, and right now.

That's my plot, and you're stuck with it.

You behave yourself, I'll see that you get back to lover boy.

Otherwise, I'm gonna open my big blabbermouth to papa.

Now, like I said,

which bed do you want?

♪♪ Behold the Walls of Jericho ♪♪

♪♪ To guard you Through the night ♪♪

♪♪ I guess you're going To tell me ♪♪

♪♪ That makes Everything all right ♪♪

♪♪ A mighty man was Joshua He split the walls in two ♪♪

♪♪ But me, I have no trumpet ♪♪

♪♪ Now the question is Do you? ♪♪

♪♪ Supposing something weakens ♪♪

♪♪ And our Mighty fortress fails ♪♪

♪♪ We'll simply have to face ♪♪

♪♪ The situation that prevails ♪♪

♪♪ This is your shack ♪♪

♪♪ Temporarily ♪♪

♪♪ Your cul-de-sac ♪♪

♪♪ Temporarily ♪♪

♪♪ So hit the sack ♪♪

♪♪ Temporarily ♪♪

♪♪ While I unpack ♪♪

♪♪ Temporarily ♪♪

♪♪ You can't be Too darn particular ♪♪

♪♪ I'm your vehicular ♪♪

♪♪ Extracurricular spouse ♪♪

♪♪ And even though You don't wanna play ♪♪

♪♪ Looks like We're gonna play house ♪♪

♪♪ That's realistic And sensible ♪♪

♪♪ But I am so indefensible ♪♪

♪♪ Faced with So much masculinity ♪♪

♪♪ I fear for my femininity ♪♪

♪♪ So let's just skip The pajama bit ♪♪

♪♪ Papa and Mama bit ♪♪

♪♪ Hoping that Neither one snores ♪♪

♪♪ While I am involuntarily ♪♪

♪♪ Necessarily ♪♪

♪♪ Temporarily your... ♪♪

♪♪ But you are mine ♪♪

♪♪ Temporarily ♪♪

♪♪ And I am thine ♪♪

♪♪ Temporarily ♪♪

♪♪ We're man and wife ♪♪

♪♪ Temporarily ♪♪

♪♪ To go through life ♪♪

♪♪ Temporarily ♪♪

♪♪ Although I'm quite Unassailable ♪♪

♪♪ I'm so available ♪♪

♪♪ These walls Are scalable, too ♪♪

♪♪ How can a girl Stay impeccable ♪♪

♪♪ Rubberneck-able you ♪♪

♪♪ I've treated you Like a brother would ♪♪

♪♪ And pulled you through Like a mother would

♪♪ They call such Great hospitality ♪♪

♪♪ In this here state Immorality ♪♪

♪♪ Go right ahead Be a snob to me ♪♪

♪♪ You're just a job to me ♪♪

♪♪ Careful You'll have to resign ♪♪

♪♪ Don't worry You'll still be verily ♪♪

♪♪♪ Momentarily ♪♪

♪♪ Temporarily mine ♪♪

What's your name?

Thanks for asking. Good night.

Well, you have a name, haven't you?

Sure, I got a name. Peter Warne.

- Peter Warne. - Mm-hmm.

I don't like it.

Well, don't let it bother you. You're gonna give it back to me in the morning.

- Good night, brat. - Happy nightmare.

The detective agency again.

Never mind that. What does it say?

"Checking all eastbound trains and planes, including charter flights.

Houston office tailing Ballarino 24 hours daily.

Located Ms. Andrews' engagement ring in San Diego pawn shop

where she received $400."

Four hundred dollars?

I'll bet that rock cost me $25,000.

The message ends with, "Continuing to do everything possible."

What does it say about finding Ellie?

Nothing, like all the others.

I'm worried, Billings.

This time, I'm worried.

- I hate to say it, sir... - Then don't say it.

Take a message to the detective agency.

Yes, sir.

Arrange to broadcast Ellie's picture from every television station

between San Diego and Houston.

Also, all newspapers, same area.

Offer $20,000 reward for information as to her whereabouts.

- Yes, sir. - And tell them I want action, not telegrams.

The reward should help, sir.

Yeah. Yeah. No, Joe Gordon.

That's right. Yeah.

Yeah, that's right, collect.

♪♪ Old reporters never die ♪♪

♪♪ They gradually decline ♪♪

- Hi. - Well, you're awake.

It's about time. Here.

A toothbrush.

Isn't that sweet?

Well, on our bankroll, it's complete insanity.

And you had my suit pressed.

- Yeah. - Where?

The owner's wife did it for four bits.

And I add that to what I paid for these groceries

and you shake hands with a pauper.

Come on, get out of that bed before I haul you out.

You would too.

Where's the shower?

Back of the last cabin.

My slippers are by the bed.

- The shower is outside? - Well, where else?

I mean, they built this place before they got the bright idea

of bringing the plumbing inside and eating outside.

I can't go out like this.

Yeah. Here, wait a minute. Come here.

Turn around.

That's it.

Put on the slippers. Turn around.

Say, you're, uh, real little.

Your hair's cute that way.

Well, I haven't combed it.

Well, on you, it looks good.

You...

You'd better, uh, snap it up because the bus driver said we'd be leaving in an hour.

Down to our last dollar and you buy me a toothbrush.

Here. Come back dry.

Hey. You left the water running.

Now, don't tell me you've forgotten old Swingin' Shapely so soon, doll?

No, but I've been trying to.

Ah, look, look, I'm sorry I goofed last night,

but you should have hipped me to the fact

that you were making the marriage bit with that cat.

Forgive me, but listening to you makes me forget everything.

Crazy. That's crazy.

Wow, you're the most.

That's the story of my life. I never get the girl.

But I wish that old man of yours would drop dead.

I really do.

So, the bus driver ran over this fella right in the middle!

About time you got back. Sit down.

Wonderful. Scrambled eggs.

Egg. One egg a piece.

One roll and one coffee, black.

And for lunch, we eat our bus tickets. Sit down.

We really make a domestic picture, don't we?

What makes you so disgustingly cheerful this morning?

I'm not cheerful. I just seem that way in comparison to you.

I just thought maybe old flap lips was out there

telling you a couple of his bop jokes, that's all.

Oh, so you saw me talking to Shapely.

Well, he just apologized for not knowing we were married.

Shows you how wrong a guy can be.

- You think this whole thing is silly, don't you? - Mm?

- I mean, my running away and everything. - No, good story.

Oh, yes you do. You think I'm a fool.

You've even called me a spoiled brat.

Well, maybe I am.

But, you know, I honestly don't see how I can be.

People who are spoiled are accustomed to having their own way.

I never have.

Do you know that I've always been told what to do,

and how, and when, and with whom?

Would you believe that this is the first time

in my whole life that I've ever been alone with a man?

What an imagination. Have you forgotten you're married?

I was kidnapped right after the ceremony.

It gets me, right there.

I tell you, there's no girl here by that name.

Maybe not, but we got a report.

Lovington says check it, so we check it.

Knock on the door.

How do I know you're detectives?

- Detectives? - Your father.

What can I do? How can I get out of here?

Sit down. They know two people are registered here.

Here, get your hair in your face and look lousy. You got it?

All right, so, what do you want for four bucks,

the Waldorf Towers, or something'?

I mean, you think it's my fault that in a joint like this

you gotta take your face outside to wash it?

What are you talking about?

Will you... Look lousy. Get your... Here.

Knock on the door.

The door ain't locked! Turn the knob, you square.

Some guys here to see you, honey.

- Who, me? - Yeah.

One second, fellas, just tuck the shirt, you know what I mean?

- What's your name? - Me?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What's your name?

- We're looking for somebody. - Yeah? How about her?

- She ain't doing me no good. - What's your name?

- Doll. He poked me. - What?

I didn't poke her. What's your name?

Wait a minute. Now, that's my wife. Let's take it easy, huh?

I told you, we're looking for somebody.

All right, you're looking for somebody!

What is this, a public park? I think maybe you need your chin lifted.

Now, wait a minute, son. Take it easy.

- Huh? - These men are detectives, Mr. Warne.

They sure don't look like it.

And no strange character is gonna walk in here

and start poking at my little woman.

What are you gettin' so excited for?

Will you stay out of this? I told you once, I told you a million times,

to keep your big fat nose out of my beefs.

You don't have to flip your lid every time I open my flap!

Listen to her. Listen to her, will you?

First, she starts screaming that some guy is taking a poke at her,

then she screams when I move in.

It's the same thing she did last week, I heard you.

- Ha! - Don't "ha" me.

A great big Swede with the big hands,

all over the dance floor he's making with the passes, I seen him.

He was teaching me to mambo.

He was teaching you... I got eyes!

- Sure! - I got eyes!

- Sure, you got eyes. - I got eyes!

What good are they when they're blind drunk?

Drunk?

Fractured!

You'd know, baby.

She comes from a long line of drunks.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

What about your old man?

- He took the cure. - He took...

One night, he's lying in a gutter and...

and he looks up and sees an American Airlines plane going overhead,

he sees the AA on the wing underneath,

he thinks it's a message from heaven.

You can't talk that way about my family.

Your family? I've seen a better family in a snake pit.

Aw, shut up!

Now, see what you've done.

Will you shut up?

I'm sorry, Mr. Warne, but you know how it is.

- We gotta check everybody. - Oh, sure, sure.

We're looking for a girl called Ellie Andrews.

That big millionaire's daughter.

- Yeah. - Well, boy, did you make a mistake.

Will you knock it off?

Phew!

I told you they was married.

We did it.

Hey, you're pretty good, picking up a fast cue like that.

Oh, you're the smart one. You thought of it.

- Howdy. - Well, howdy.

Howdy.

♪♪ Howdy friends and neighbors ♪♪

♪♪ Won't you step up And shake my hand? ♪♪

♪♪ I'm an old apple-knocker ♪♪

♪♪ And a pea-picker too ♪♪

♪♪ I need a bosom buddy ♪♪

♪♪ And I reckon it's you ♪♪

- Oh, you were wonderful. - Oh.

- Just great. - Oh, no, you were.

No, I mean, the way that... When... That, you know, the...

When...

Well, maybe we'd better finish our breakfast.

Yes.

Quit bawlin'! Aah!

Quit bawlin'.

Knock it off, will you?

Knock it... Come in!

Quit bawlin'!

Yes?

I hate to interrupt you again, folks,

but I thought you'd like to know,

your bus leaves in 15 minutes.

Oh, thank you very much.

Uh, I'm sorry the way those detectives disturbed you.

- Oh, that's... - Oh.

Here's a picture of the girl they're looking for.

Real pretty, isn't she?

- Uh-huh. - Yes, a real beauty.

- Uh-huh. - Yes.

How they could ever think your wife was her?

Well, they're blind.

Huh?

They're blind.

Twenty thousand bucks reward.

Twenty thousand bucks reward.

You wouldn't...

They'll be out looking for you with Geiger counters.

Listen, now that we know your old man's got detectives on the main highway,

we'd better get out of here, find a back road, huh?

I have an apology to make.

Look, this is the time for speeches? Come on, get dressed.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That's my side. You get over there.

Well, if we leave the bus, how do we get to Houston?

We'll worry about that when we find a back road. Get dressed.

That must be yours.

Yes, it was quite shocking

the way her father's hoodlums broke in.

They literally snatched her out of my arms after the wedding.

I've never had anything like this happen before. Never.

Mr. Ballarino, have you any idea where Ms. Andrews is now?

Uh, you mean, Mrs. Ballarino.

- Oh, sorry. - No, I haven't the faintest idea.

Ah, but she'll get to me eventually. I'm sure of that.

- Well, thank you very much, and good luck in the race. - Thank you.

And hello, Ellie, my pet, wherever you are.

You're as bad as he is, sitting around, waiting for her to show up.

This is the third day I've had you on the Ellie Andrews story,

and what have we come up with? Swindle sheets.

Another wire from Peter Warne, Mr. Gordon.

Warne? Throw it in the wastebasket.

Wait a minute.

What's it say?

"Have I got a story. Stop.

It's getting hotter and hotter.

Hope you are the same."

- Collect? - Yes, sir.

Accept one more of those and you're fired.

This is ridiculous.

Do you realize how long we've been walking?

You and your back road strategy.

This isn't a back road, it's a cow path.

Oh, we'll find a good road soon.

I bet there isn't a good road in the whole state.

Now what, general?

You act like I put it there.

You led me right to it.

I still think there's an easier way.

I've been doing a little thinking.

Next town we come to, you better wire your father.

What's the matter? Are you weakening?

Am I weak... I'm thinking of you.

Here we are with not enough money to buy a square meal,

if there was a place to buy one.

By the time I get you to Houston, you'll be a walking skeleton.

You're not built for a rough trip like this.

I am built for it.

I'm not gonna wire my father.

All right. Okay.

You're just bound and determined

to reach that character, Ballarino, I guess.

What is this strange power he has over you women anyway?

Here, take these and hold onto them, will you?

- What? - Get up on the log.

- Why? - Get up on the log.

Ooh!

- I'm not very comfortable. - Stop wiggling.

- Peter? - What?

- You were right about one thing. - Huh?

I may not be a walking skeleton yet, but I sure am hungry.

Ah, it's just your imagination.

It is not. I'm hungry.

If you'd stop talking about being hungry, you wouldn't get hungry.

Oh, I'm awful hungry.

Hold this.

Ow!

Well, what was that for?

For talking so much. You made me hungry.

Oh.

- Peter. - What?

- There's a bee. - Oh, stop wiggling. It'll go away.

No, it won't go away.

Oh.

- Peter. - Oh, what?

It's gonna land on my head.

Oh, he did!

- Hey! - Oh, Peter!

Hold still. Are you crazy?

I'm falling!

All right, all right. Where's my shoes? Where's my shoes?

How do I know? I'm busy drowning.

Peter!

What?

Are we ever gonna get anything to eat?

Of course we are.

Order anything you want. Just pick up the phone.

Nursemaid. A grown man and I'm a nursemaid.

I don't know why in the devil I ever got mixed up with you.

If I had a brain in my head, I'd be in Houston by now.

You're not taking care of me.

You're protecting your newspaper story.

I'm taking a married woman back to her husband.

I don't know, I must be completely off my rocker.

What... Oh, great. Go to bed.

I can't sleep on an empty stomach.

Sleep on your back.

- Peter. - What?

- Well, aren't you hungry, too? - Of course I'm hungry.

Every time you remind me of it, I'm hungry.

Now, will you shut up and go to bed?

You've become awfully disagreeable lately.

Every time I open my mouth you snap my head off.

If being with me is so distasteful to you, you may leave.

You may leave anytime you see fit.

I don't need you.

Have fun.

Peter.

Look at me. I'm having fun.

Peter!

Peter.

Peter, where are you?

Peter!

Peter? Peter! Peter?

Oh, Peter.

Well, what's all the yelling about? What happened?

Oh, I thought you'd gone.

- You... Oh. - It was just awful.

- Oh. - Don't you ever do that again.

I won't, I won't, I won't.

Oh, I was so scared.

Well, I was only gone for a minute.

You were talking so much about being hungry,

and I just went into the next field to see what was planted there.

It was full of carrots.

Have one.

No, thank you.

Well, I thought you were hungry.

- Well, I was, but... - But what?

Well, that was before you scared the hunger out of me.

Holy, you'd drive a... You'd... Go to bed!

Go to bed!

♪♪ You can't run away from it ♪♪

♪♪ Better not even try ♪♪

♪♪ Better just close your Eyes and say your prayers ♪♪

♪♪ I can't run away from it ♪♪

♪♪ Not with those lips nearby ♪♪

♪♪ Am I supposed to whisper ♪♪

♪♪ Who cares ♪♪

♪♪ We could worry till ♪♪

♪♪ We both get old And gray from it ♪♪

♪♪ Trying our best to hide ♪♪

♪♪ Trying our best To make believe ♪♪

♪♪ We never get starry-eyed ♪♪

♪♪♪ But why try to run ♪♪

♪♪ What's done is done ♪♪

♪♪ And fate's knocking At the door ♪♪

♪♪ And we can't Run away from it ♪♪

♪♪ Anymore ♪♪

Wait a minute.

Here.

Go through.

Hey. Aah.

Oh.

Ah! Down! Down, down.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

Well, you finally found your back road.

Yeah.

It's so far aback, traffic hasn't even discovered it.

Have a comfortable seat,

take a load off your feet,

while I show you how to thumb a ride.

Now, you pay attention.

- Peter. - What?

A C-A-R just went by.

Oh.

When can I stop watching the thumb?

I must be out of practice.

Think of the fun you've had.

Do you mind if I try?

You? Don't make me laugh.

The little lady will now show the old professor how.

Please let me know when I applaud.

♪♪ Have a comfortable seat ♪♪

♪♪ Take a load off your feet ♪♪

♪♪ While I teach you What I learned abroad ♪♪

♪♪ Thumbin' a ride ♪♪

♪♪ Is really a universal sport ♪♪

♪♪ Thumbin' a ride ♪♪

♪♪ I'll give you A short rehearsal, sport ♪♪

♪♪ Both the French and Swiss ♪♪

♪♪ Have a method That tops all this ♪♪

♪♪ Though I never could dig Their lingo, zingo ♪♪

♪♪ Try it and you'll Never, ever miss ♪♪

♪♪ Well, does it work? ♪♪

♪♪ To start with You have to be a girl ♪♪

♪♪ Swell, does it work? ♪♪

♪♪ Let's give it a try and see ♪♪

♪♪ Lift the petticoat high ♪♪

♪♪ And show 'em the thigh ♪♪

♪♪ And, partner We're on our way ♪♪

♪♪ Thumbin' a ride And seeing the USA ♪♪

- ♪♪ Alabama ♪♪ - ♪♪ Arizona ♪♪

- ♪♪ Carolina ♪♪ - ♪♪ Oklahoma ♪♪

♪♪ This is the life, I'd say ♪♪

♪♪ Thumbing a ride And seeing the USA ♪♪

Will you stay in the car?

Aren't you gonna give me a little credit?

Well, if nothing else, I've proved that the limb is mightier than the thumb.

Oh, why didn't you take off all your clothes?

You could have stopped 40 cars.

We didn't need 40 cars.

Oh.

Ah, just married, eh?

Oh, what a wonderful, impetuous thing you're doing,

spending your honeymoon, hitchhiking.

Hitchhiking down the highway of love,

on a honeymoon built for two.

Did I say that?

♪♪ Hitchhiking down The highway of love ♪♪

♪♪ On a honeymoon Built for two ♪♪

What a character you picked.

I didn't pick him. He just happened.

♪♪ And you'll always Be tied down ♪♪

♪♪ You mad impetuous... ♪♪

Hey. Hey, aren't you afraid you're gonna kick this thing to pieces?

Oh, no, that's how I get the loose what-cha-ma-call-its in place.

Care to have a little bite to eat?

- Oh, that would be just... - No, thanks, we're not very hungry.

Oh, I see. Young people in love are very seldom hungry.

♪♪ Young people in love ♪♪

♪♪ Are very seldom hungry ♪♪

What were you gonna do, clip the poor guy for a meal?

He invited me, and I'm hungry.

- Well here, have a carrot. - Oh, don't point that thing at me.

I can't stand it. I'm gonna ask that man for food.

You do and I'll break your neck.

- I'm hungry! - Well...

Come on and sit down over here.

I'm sorry I was so rough.

Oh, that's quite all right.

You see, as long as I'm responsible for taking care of you, I've got...

You've decided to starve me to death.

I'm... pigheaded, I guess.

I just like to pay my own way, see?

Hey, my bags! Come back here! Come back!

Peter! Peter!

Hey.

- What happened to you? - Come on, get in the car.

- Look at your clothes. They're a mess. - Yeah, yeah, come on, come on.

Where's our friend?

Friend? He's nothing but a road thief.

He picks people up and steals their things.

- Come on. - Isn't that terrible?

- Yeah. - How'd you get his car?

Well, I gave him a black eye, and my wristwatch.

- You gave him... - Will you get in the car?

Oh, all right.

I'm sorry you had such a bad time of it,

but it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't left the car in the first place.

If I hadn't?

Don't get me wrong, Ballarino,

my size-up of you hasn't changed one bit.

As a real man, you ain't worth the chicken fat in your hair.

Every time I look at you, I get the scours.

Do you follow me, boy?

I'm deeply sorry, but nothing you could say could possibly upset me,

including your threats to have the marriage annulled.

Eventually, you'll have to face the fact

that Ellie and I were married because we love each other madly.

- Sure, sure. - And Ellie is proving exactly that, bless her.

There's nothing you can do to force an annulment.

I see.

So you figure you've got hold of a solid gold filly

and you're gonna hang onto her, huh?

All right, you win.

I guess I'll just have to get used to you.

But the only reason I'm licked is because I'm worried sick about Ellie.

If I don't find her soon, I'll be a wreck.

Well, it's your own fault, old fellow.

I could have reached her if you hadn't surrounded me

with those ghastly detectives night and day. I tried to...

I know, I know, but you can help now.

There's a passel of reporters in that room.

I want you to make a statement.

I want you to tell them that you and I have chewed things over

and we've come to an agreement.

And if Ellie will come home, I won't interfere with the marriage.

I'll confirm it even if it gags me.

Well, uh, thank you, very much.

Yes, sir. That'll be fine, young man.

Well, hope you have a pleasant stay with us.

- Well, yes, I hope so. Good night. - Good night.

- We're all set. - How'd you work it?

They're letting us pay later because they think we're staying a week.

Now, we have to think of something good before morning.

- It's wonderful. - Wonderful, huh?

If you ask me, it's foolish.

Instead of staying here we could be in Houston in three hours.

I thought you were in such a rush to get back.

Well, now whoever heard of getting in at three o'clock in the morning?

Everybody will be asleep.

Okay. Bungalow 6.

Vernon, you're just out and out stupid.

You'd trust anybody.

But he looks like a nice, upright young fellow, Ma.

Everyone looks upright to you.

Come on.

Well, we're on the last lap, huh?

Tomorrow, you'll be in the arms of your ever-loving husband.

- Yes, and you'll have a great story, won't you? - Yeah. Swell.

Here, the plumbing's inside for a change. You can dress in there.

Thank you.

You gonna sleep standing up?

No.

Well, we, uh...

sure outsmarted your old man, huh? You should be very happy.

Am I going to see you in Houston?

Nope.

Why not?

Because I don't make it a policy to run around with married women.

Well, there's no harm in your coming to see us.

Not interested.

Won't I ever see you again?

Why do you want to see me? I served my purpose, didn't I?

To get you back to Ballarino. That's all you wanted from me, wasn't it?

Well, I guess so. Thank you for helping me.

Forget it.

Forget it? I'll never forget it.

- Is it all right for me to come out now? - Yeah.

Of course, I hated parts of the trip while they were happening,

but remembering now, it seems like fun.

It was a nightmare.

Ooh, that was the biggest bee I ever saw in my whole life.

You know, this is the first time I've ever been able to talk with someone about

experiences we've had together.

I like it.

The first night on the bus in that cramped little seat.

I've never mentioned this before, but...

you'd been drinking, hadn't you?

Slightly.

Wasn't I a mess with my hair in my eyes?

"Look lousy," you said.

And boy, I sure did.

Ah, you couldn't look lousy if you wanted to.

Well, thanks.

And thanks for that bed of hay last night.

Shut up and go to sleep.

Aw, you don't fool me anymore.

You talk tough. But underneath, you're a softy,

a real soft softy.

All right, fine. Well, be quiet or I'll make a liar out of you.

- Peter. - What?

Have you ever been in love?

- Me? - Uh-huh.

Have you ever thought about it?

It seems to me you could make some girl wonderfully happy.

Sure, I've thought about it. Who hasn't? But...

Where are you gonna find a girl who's so...

Well, right away, you know that this is the half of you that's been missing. Huh?

Someone who's gonna be happy with you whether you're up or down.

Knowing that the only important thing is that you're together. See...

Do you know what a man could do with a girl like that beside him?

Have I ever thought about it?

Have you ever looked?

I'll look tomorrow.

Good night.

♪♪ You can't run away from it ♪♪

♪♪ Trying our best to hide ♪♪

♪♪ Trying our best To make believe ♪♪

♪♪ We never get starry-eyed ♪♪

♪♪ The moment is right ♪♪

♪♪ This is The night that nearly ♪♪

♪♪ Was ours before ♪♪

♪♪ And we can't Run away from it ♪♪

♪♪ Anymore ♪♪

Peter?

I love you. That's all I know.

That's all that matters. I wanna be with you.

Oh, Peter, I can't let you go now.

I couldn't live without you.

Get back to your bed.

I'm sorry.

Hey, brat, did you really mean that?

You mean I can stop looking?

Look, all I'm asking for is enough gas just to get to Houston.

I'm sorry, senor, I wish I could help you,

but my papa always say, no credit.

This bag cost me $25.

Now certainly that's worth a tank full of gas.

I already got one suitcase, and I don't go nowhere.

What am I going to do with two suitcases?

All right. Look. I'll come back here tomorrow morning.

I'll buy the suitcase back from you.

I'll give you a $10 profit. How's that?

- Ten dollar good profit. - Yeah, yeah.

My papa always say,

- "I ain't got no sombrero." - You what?

"I ain't got no sombrero."

You've got one now. Fill her up.

Everybody happy.

You got the gasoline. I got the sombrero.

- Pancho! - Who's Pancho?

It's my wife.

Why did I let you in here?

I should have shot you on sight. You're drunk.

I don't care what you've been printing.

I tell you that the wires I sent you were on the level.

Now, I met Ellie Andrews on a bus coming from San Diego.

I've been with her every minute.

And now, after one look into your big brown eyes,

she's going to have her marriage to Ballarino annulled.

Just like that.

Look, believe me, Joe, it's true.

And the story is yours, exclusive, for $2,000.

A real "rich girl, poor man" romance, huh?

And you, brave soul, are willing to bare all for $2000.

I'm in love with her, Joe, honestly.

- I need the money to tear down the Walls of Jericho. - What?

The Walls of Jer... Oh, give me the money, will you, Joe?

She's waiting in a motel about 100 miles from here.

She doesn't know I'm gone.

I've gotta get back. Now don't you understand?

You...

Look, Joe...

A man can't propose to a woman

when he doesn't have a cent in the world, now, can he?

The more I think of it, this is fantastic.

Here the old man finally withdraws his objections to the marriage,

- and now, she wants it annulled so... - So that she can marry me.

- And you... - Isn't that a pip?

Pete, if you're lying to me...

Then wait and read what I write.

All right, start writing.

Vernon? Vernon, wake up!

I told you, you couldn't trust that fellow.

- He's gone. - Who?

That fellow that was gonna stay a week, that's who.

He's skipped out, took his car.

Oh, and we'd never have known a thing about it

until morning if I hadn't ate them cucumbers.

There ain't nothing we can do if he's gone.

- Now put out the lights and... - Oh, get up, you good for nothing!

Oh, what I ever bought a motel for, I'll never know.

Vernon, come on.

- I just never get a full night's sleep. - Vernon, come on!

See? They're gone.

It sure looks that way. What's this?

- Oh, Ma, the woman. - So...

Young lady, where's your husband?

- Huh? - I said where's your husband.

- If he is your husband. - Well, isn't he here?

He's gone.

Just as I thought.

He took the car and ran off and left you.

Have you got any money?

- Money? No, I haven't. - No money.

Young lady, clear out of here right now.

Uh, yes, yes, right now.

What did I tell you? You won't ever listen to me.

Trusting every Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes down the road.

- When will you ever learn? - Oh, Ma.

Did better when I was single.

May I please use your telephone?

I have to call Houston.

And stick us for a phone bill too?

No, thank you.

Go tell your sad story to the sheriff's office.

He's a quarter of a mile down the road. Go on.

Git.

And don't come back! We run a respectable place!

Go make the beds.

Oh, is it all right to give him the money, Mr. Gordon?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, this is great, Pete. Really great.

I know I've called you unusual names,

but when you put your mind to it

you're a top-drawer newspaperman.

Thank you, Joe. You've saved my life.

- Happy wedding, Pete. - Thanks. And you're beautiful.

All women are beautiful.

- Yeah? - This is Healy.

It took you all this time to get out of bed?

Look, I want a two-column cartoon for the front page and I want it now.

Jack Ballarino sitting in his sports car, wearing his polo outfit,

waiting outside the church, see?

Make him look like the crumb he is.

Yeah, then I want...

Hang on. Outside call.

Yeah, Gordon.

Yeah, what is it?

Ellen Andrews? You're crazy.

I am not crazy.

She called her father from Luling

and asked him to come after her.

He's getting a police escort,

and Ballarino's going along, too.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That's right.

She's been traveling by bus, and the moment she found out

that her father and Ballarino had made up, she phones right in.

Okay. Grab a car and stay with her.

Right.

This is Healy. About that cartoon.

Go back to bed!

Agnes! Agnes!

Yes, sir?

Call the police department. We've been had.

Yes, sir.

♪♪ Honeymoon Down the highway of love ♪♪

♪♪ Hitchhiking down The highway of love ♪♪

♪♪ Not up but down On a honeymoon ♪♪

Come on, baby. Nice baby.

We gotta get back there before she wakes up.

What's holding you back, boy?

- Take your foot off that brake. - Yes, sir.

♪♪ Not diagonal ♪♪

♪♪ But down The highway of love ♪♪

♪♪ Down the high... ♪♪

Hey, come on, baby, we got a police escort.

Hey, how are you?

Hey! Hey, wanna swap?

Hey! How are you? Come on, baby!

Catch up there. They can't make a sucker out of us.

- How about a statement, Mr. Andrews? - How about a few words...

Not now, boys. Wait till we get home.

♪♪ On a honeymoon ♪♪

♪♪ Down the highway of love ♪♪

♪♪ The highway of love ♪♪

♪♪ Not up but down ♪♪

♪♪ Not sideways but ahead ♪♪

Howdy-doodey!

Howdy-doodey!

♪♪ Young people in love Are seldom hungry ♪♪

Hey, how are you?

How are you, you lovely people?

Ellie!

Hey!

Ellie! Hey, Ellie!

Ellie!

Hey, Ellie! Wait!

And, as newspaper headlines across the country

are proclaiming "Love triumphs again,"

Ms. Andrews, who disappeared when her father vowed he'd have her marriage annulled,

returned to Houston when she learned

that her father and Ballarino had become reconciled.

Mr. Andrews, meantime, has announced plans

for an impressive formal wedding ceremony at his palatial estate.

This will supplement his daughter's previous civil ceremony in Acapulco,

and to quote Mr. Andrews,

"Do things up in real Texas style."

The heart-warming struggle of...

Here's the money. It was just a gag.

You know, I was gonna put you through the wringer

- and have a couple of laughs. - Oh, sure.

Well, you had me going for a while.

Yeah?

It wouldn't have been at bad story at that.

No, but that's the way it goes.

You think you've got a great yarn,

and then, something happens at the last minute, and there you are.

- Yeah. Right. - Oh, Pete?

Hmm?

You need a vacation, boy.

When you sober up, your job is waiting.

Joe, well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, it's all right, Pete.

You're a good boy.

Just get back in time to cover the wedding.

Me? Cover that wedding?

Well, a wedding's a wedding, and who could write a better story?

I'm sorry. It's not for me.

My mistake. I thought I was talking to a newspaper man.

Oh, don't... What do you mean by that crack?

Well, let's see.

There's a hog callers' contest coming up you might be able to handle.

That is unless you think you couldn't

because you're a personal friend of one of the hogs.

Oh, wait a minute. Just, uh... Oh...

All right. I've got some business to attend to with old man Andrews.

I'll cover the wedding at the same time.

I'll cover it my way, not yours.

You understand?

I might get quite a kick out of seeing

what love looks like when it's triumphant.

Come in.

Hello, Ms. Ellie.

I've pressed every little wrinkle out of this dress.

Ain't it the most eye-popping thing you ever did see?

Yes, it is.

Oh, it's beautiful.

It sure is pretty.

If you need me, I'll be downstairs.

Everybody's runnin' everybody ragged.

It sure is gonna be a beautiful wedding.

♪♪ You can't run away from it ♪♪

♪♪ You can't run away from it ♪♪

♪♪ Better not even try ♪♪

♪♪ Better not even try ♪♪

♪♪ You can't run away from it ♪♪

How are you, baby?

Hey, you don't look very happy.

Ain't you doing what you wanna do?

- Of course I am. - Then what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

Ellie, baby, come here.

You know how much I love you.

If there's something bothering you, it's bothering me.

We'd both feel better if you'd tell your old man what it is. Come on, baby.

I met a man on the bus.

You fell in love with the bus driver?

- No. - Who?

I don't know very much about him,

except that I love him.

Well, if it's as serious as all that, let's do something about it.

It's no use. I practically threw myself at him.

He despises me.

Despises you? Oh, come now.

He doesn't think very much of you, either.

He said you're to blame for my being spoiled and selfish.

He says you raised me stupidly.

Oh, he does, does he?

That's a fine idiot to fall in love with.

No, no. He's wonderful.

Well, what difference does that make now?

I've caused you enough trouble.

I'm not gonna run out on Jacques

and make us all look ridiculous again.

It's about time I settled down and started making sense.

And anyway, I'm sure I'll never see Peter again.

Is that his name?

Peter Warne.

Peter Warne.

- Did you hear from him? - No, no, I just thought that...

Now, Ellie, don't get yourself all worked up.

"Dear Sir: While I am attending the wedding of your daughter

as a member of the working press,

I would like to have a talk with you about the financial matter

in connection with said daughter.

Peter Warne."

Well, I guess that was his only interest in me, wasn't it? The reward.

I'm sorry you read that, honey.

You'll pay him off, of course.

- Should I? - Oh, yes, he's entitled to the reward.

He did an excellent job.

He kept me thoroughly entertained.

Come in.

Excuse me, sir, the newspaper reporters are waiting downstairs.

Be right with you, Norville.

Oh, and, uh, Mr. Ballarino's wedding suit has been delivered here.

- COD. - Hm...

See you later, honey.

Dad, when you talk to Peter Warne, you'd better get a receipt.

Paid in full.

I guess I'd better get receipts from everybody.

Yes, sir.

Press.

Mr. Andrews is in the gift room. This way, please.

- Would you care for one? - Yes, sir. Thank you.

Here you are, sir.

Would you care for one, sir?

Well, I guess that's it, boys.

That sheet you're getting is the guest list.

The governor sent his apologies,

but I don't think he'll be governor for long.

Excuse me.

The wedding will be at two o'clock sharp.

Any more questions?

Yeah, I got a question.

Has Mr. Ballarino here figured out

the resale value of the presents yet?

I resent that, sir.

Simmer down there, boy.

I've got a hunch you're Peter Warne.

That's right.

Peter Warne, shake hands with Jacques Ballarino.

Warne, you and I have got something to settle.

To tell you the truth, Warne, I was plumb surprised to get your note.

My daughter didn't tell me anything about you.

- About your helping her. - That figures.

Why did she think I hauled her all the way from San Diego?

For the love of it?

She thinks you deserve anything you can get.

Gee, that's nice of her. You don't, I suppose.

Well, I don't know. I'll have to see what you base your claim on.

I suppose you think you deserve something.

I wouldn't be here if I didn't.

There, it's all itemized.

Hmm.

"Topcoat, $17.50.

Robe, house shoes, and pajamas, $10.

Hat, $5.75.

Three shirts, $4.50.

Total, $37.75.

Above items had to be sold to buy gasoline."

That is right.

Except for the robe and the slippers,

and the pajamas, they were stolen.

I'm not charging you the full price on this stuff, you know, because it was used.

Also, I traded my wristwatch for the car. So, I still got the car.

Then I sold some socks and some shorts and I'm throwing them in.

I see.

What's the matter with you? You think that's not cheap enough?

It's gonna cost me a lot more than that just to replace this stuff.

I'm just trying to get things straight.

You want $37.75 besides the $20,000.

- What 20,000? - The reward, of course.

Did I say anything about a reward?

No, you didn't, but I just calculated that...

Yeah, yeah, you're just like your calculating daughter.

All I want is the 37.75.

You give me the check, I'll get out of this mausoleum, fast.

I don't just savvy you.

The average man would be yellin' for that reward.

- All you seem to want... - You didn't do anything to me.

Why would I want to clip you for $20,000

just because your daughter makes jerks out of both of us?

This is a matter of principle, if you understand what that means.

When somebody takes me for a buggy ride,

I don't like the idea of paying for the privilege.

Now do I get the check?

Keep your hide on, boy.

Sure, you get it.

All right, fine. Thank you.

Do you mind if I ask you a straight-from-the-shoulder question?

- What? - Do you love my daughter?

Your daughter is nuts.

You're beating around the bush.

She picked herself the perfect partner,

Jacques Ballarino, the Continental Cornball.

You didn't answer my question. Do you love my daughter?

A normal human being couldn't even live

under the same roof with that girl.

She's got the original vacuum-packed head.

I asked you a simple question. Do you love my daughter?

Yes! But don't hold it against me. I'm nuts too.

Come on!

Ellie!

Ellie, baby!

- What's wrong? - I just had a long talk with him.

Oh, fine. I hope you got your money.

You bet I did!

- Ellie, listen. - Congratulations.

Thank you. I wish I could say the same to you.

I understand you're here to report the wedding.

You should enjoy that immensely.

I would if it wasn't for my weak stomach.

Warne, you come back here.

- Ellie, you're actin' like a fool. - Oh.

Ellie!

Ellie, open this door!

Ellie!

Dagnab your Texas hide.

Hey, Mr. Andrews, the thing's started.

Ellie! They're playin' the doggoned music.

She's coming, Mr. Andrews.

Why didn't you give me a chance to talk to you, honey?

- I could have straightened everything out. - Shh!

You're crazy to go through with this, honey.

That fellow, Warne, is your man.

I've been trying to tell you he didn't want the reward.

All he asked for is what he spent on you.

Thirty-seven dollars and 75 cents.

He said it was a matter of principle.

You took him for a ride.

He loves you, honey. He told me so.

You don't wanna be married to an oilhead like that Ballarino.

I can buy him off in a minute.

Ellie, baby, you can make your old man very happy,

and you wouldn't be doing so bad for yourself, either.

How come he ain't staying for the thing?

Man's crazy to leave this wedding.

I never saw so much food in my life.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered together here in the sight of God,

and in the face of this company,

to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

If any man can show good cause

why these two should not lawfully be joined