Original subtitles

Yes, yes, Claude, you don't have to worry.

Have I ever let you down before?

The diamonds are safe and sound here at my villa.

Take a hike.

We'll meet at the regular place

as soon as the heat cools down.

Say, two weeks.

Now, if I were a priceless diamond necklace,

where would I be?

Oh, darn.

Listen to me, Claude, there's no reason

to get your panties in a twist.

You want your diamonds now, fine!

I'll grab them and I'll meet you in an hour!

You know, you really shouldn't get upset, Rico.

You know what the doctor said about your blood pressure.

It's this damned Frenchman.

He's driving me crazy!

I thought you said Claude was Belgian.

He can be from Outer Mongolia for all I care.

I am never doing business with him again.

You know what, why don't you let me help you relax.

Sandy, you are too good to me.

What did I ever do to deserve you?

Oh, I wonder.

I am tempted, but I've gotta go

meet the silly Bulgarian.

Belgian.

Whatever.

He wants his stuff now, and,

the sooner I'm done with him, the better.

Sure I can't convince you to take a break?

Well.

That's more like it.

I do gotta go.

Not until I help you calm down.

Doctor's orders.

Well, I wouldn't wanna disobey the doctor.

Bingo!

Oh, come on, Rico, just one more time.

Listen, Sandy, I appreciate your enthusiasm, okay?

I gotta go.

That crazy Bavarian won't wait.

Belgian.

Whatever.

Hands up, Rico.

What the?

Did you get the diamonds, Jas?

Yep, right here.

Wait.

Where did you have that gun?

Wouldn't you like to know.

Well, well, Rico Martinez,

biggest jewel thief on the western hemisphere,

and we caught you.

Wait, Jasmine, Sandy, you girls

have been with me for over a month.

And, Sandy, we were intimate.

You're saying all of this is an act.

When we go undercover, we go deep, deep, deep undercover.

Hands up, dirt bag!

It's okay, Nikki, we got him.

Where were you this whole time?

You told me to blend in.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Who the hell are you girls?

We're the Teeny Weeny Bikini Squad.

Well done, ladies.

Rico Martinez has been taken into custody by Interpol,

and the insurance company who hired us

has deposited a nice fat check

directly into our bank account.

Glad to be of service.

Of any kind.

So, does that mean we finally get

to take that vacation, because there's a beach

in San Trope that's calling my name.

We really could use a break.

We've had four cases in as many months.

Sometimes you gotta let the batteries recharge,

if you know what I mean.

I do, I do, and I wish I could help you ladies,

but I just have one small little problem.

You have another assignment, and it just can't wait.

Well, what do we got this time?

This one is right up your alley.

I'm sure you've all heard of Tony Tefflor?

Tef, the owner of Playpen magazine?

That's the one.

Oh, boy.

I sense a lot of nudity in our future.

Are you psychic?

You don't have to be psychic to know

that Playpen magazine and naked girls go hand-in-hand.

Benny, you have a subscription, don't you?

Well, yes, but I only read the articles.

There's articles?

Anyway, Tef doesn't just own the magazine,

he also has his social club called the Playpen.

Okay, Benny, let's get to the point.

Well, there's been a series of accidents

at the club and the magazine.

At first, it was just some broken equipment,

a near miss or two, but it quickly escalated

into the accidental death of one of the waitresses

at the club and a model on the shoot.

Why would someone wanna kill some of Tef's girls?

Tefflor thinks that someone's trying

to put him out of business,

and, if these accidents keep up,

that's exactly what might happen.

In three days, Tefflor is going to announce

the Playpen Girl of the Century.

If someone were trying to drive him out of business,

this would be the perfect opportunity to sabotage the event.

Sounds like an undercover job.

Exactly.

Jasmine, you will pose, literally, as a model.

We have arranged an appointment for you

with Tef's top fashion photographer.

Oh, great, another aging shutterbug

who can't wait to get his paws

on my little flashbulbs.

Not exactly.

Tef's top photographer is a young woman

named Laura, and she's very good.

Wow, attractive, too.

This might not be so bad, after all.

Nikki, you will go undercover as a waitress.

Your ample assets make you perfect for the topless club.

Got it, chief.

And, Sandy, you will be a businesswoman.

Your job will be to find out if there's anyone

who has a financial incentive to try to

topple Tef's empire from within.

Are there any suspects in that arena?

One, Frank Devlin.

He not only manages the club,

but also Tef's production company.

Production company?

Adult videos, late night stuff, fairly tame,

by today's standards, but some, Frank included,

have tried to get Tef to venture

into more explicit films, but he's always resisted.

What a classy guy.

All right, ladies, you have your assignment.

Next week, Tefflor will announce

the Playpen Girl of the Century.

Let's make sure that that goes off without a hitch.

Girls, this would normally be when I tell you

to pack your bikinis, but, in this case,

I think you might be overdressed.

Great, great, great.

Hold that.

Good, good, come up.

Pick one knee up.

Nice.

Great, great, great.

Love it.

I love it, I love it.

All right, I think we're good in that outfit.

Let's get you in the next,

and then I'll finish this up.

Okay, sounds good.

What's the other outfit?

Okay, we've got it right here.

Gee, that's a bit much, isn't it?

Well, it's the winter edition.

Well, I really appreciate this.

Tef says that if he likes the photos,

I have a shot at being centerfold,

and you know what that means.

Yeah, did he tell you you might be

in the running for Playpen Girl of the Month?

Yeah, and, after that, the sky's the limit.

I wouldn't put too much stock

in anything that Tony Tefflor tells you.

Being Playpen Girl of the Month

isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Wait a minute, I thought I recognized you.

You were Playpen Girl of the Year

like, what, two, three years ago?

Three.

A lifetime in this business.

It's not today's news, it's old news.

Weren't you also dating him, as well?

Yeah, it kinda goes with the title.

I mean, he's a lot older, but he's got quite a bit of charm.

And his hefty wallet probably doesn't hurt.

Yeah, it does help

to overlook some of his inadequacies.

And everyone knows that he dates most of the models,

so I shouldn't have been surprised when-

- He dumped you. - Like a hot potato.

That sounds painful.

Yeah, he threw me over for the latest

Playpen Girl of the Month.

I'm so sorry.

19 years old.

Well, you still work for the company,

and you're an amazing photographer.

This photography thing, it's just his way

of keeping me on a leash.

Oh, he's into that rough stuff, too?

Not that kind of leash.

Oh.

Well, you sound like you're quite bitter about it,

and I wish there was something I could do to-

All right, here you go.

I'll never get the hang of this.

Don't worry, sweetie, most of the customers here,

they don't care about the quality of the service

but the quantity of the server, if you know what I mean.

Huh?

Don't worry, you'll be fine, go ahead.

Here's your drink, sir.

Oh!

I am so sorry, sir!

That's quite all right, Miss.

I'm really, really sorry!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Listen, listen, hey!

- Oh! - Sweet cheeks,

get this cleaned up right away.

Yes, sir.

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, sir.

You know what?

It's a good thing you've got the tits for this job.

Otherwise, your little ass would be out of here.

Give her a break, Frank, it's her first day,

and I don't see that customer complaining.

Oh, no, no, no.

Well, it's gonna be her last day

if she doesn't get her act together.

Frank Devlin, I have had just about enough of you.

You may manage this place, but Tony, he owns it.

Maybe you oughta be careful how you talk to me.

You better watch how you talk to me,

and don't think for a moment that I won't call Tef.

He and I share something very special.

Huh, well, you know, I wouldn't count on that.

That road's seen a lot of travelers.

I'm really sorry.

It's all right, he's all bark and no bite.

Really?

Maybe a little bite, nibble here and there,

but he's nothing to worry about.

You sure you're in the right place, darling?

Yeah, I am here to see the manager.

I'm Sandy Banner, I have an appointment.

Hmm, well, that piece of work right over there

is the manager.

Good luck.

Hi, are you Frank?

I'm Sandy Banner, we have an appointment.

Oh, yes, hello, gorgeous.

Please, step back in my office.

So I hear that you're interested in investing

in Playpen Incorporated.

Possibly, I recently came into a large inheritance,

and just looking to diversify my portfolio.

Is that so?

Well, perhaps I can help you diversify anything you like.

Well, that's very interesting, Mr. Devlin,

but I was thinking more along the lines

of acquiring shares of Playpen video production unit.

I hear that's a quite lucrative division of the company.

True, print is dead, but no sense telling Tef that.

He refuses to acknowledge that

which everybody already knows.

Besides, his movies are like last century.

What do you mean?

To tell you the truth, I'm looking

to start my own video production company.

If you're looking for a good investment,

this is the right place to put your money.

Don't you direct films for Mr. Tefflor?

Wouldn't that be a conflict of interest?

It would be if there was anything

of interest in Tef's films.

Well, look, sweetie, I'm not going

to be with Tef forever, and, the way things are going,

hell, his company's not even going to be here

long enough for me to have to get out of my contract.

Contract?

Yeah, you see, Tef likes all his longterm employees

to sign this exclusivity contract.

You know, especially with all the accidents

that have been happening.

Oh, yeah, I've heard about those, strange.

Do you think that they could be more than just accidents?

I don't know, but it just goes to show you

that Tef's on his way out.

Now, if you're looking for a good investment,

Devlin Productions would be a good place

to put your money because our movies

have a much more wide appeal.

Really, how so?

The modern video market demands more explicit material.

Tef's stuff is just too tame.

His stuff will play on any basic cable.

And your films would be more explicit.

More explicit means more money.

Well, I like the sound of that.

You interest me, Mr. Devlin.

Call me Frank, and I'd love to show you

the difference between our two production companies,

but, unfortunately, I don't have any

of my product here with me.

Well, maybe you could show me in person.

I'm really sorry for all the screw-ups today.

Oh, you did fine, sweetie.

You can't let old Frank get you down.

Thanks, you're really sweet.

Besides, I can tell you're no waitress.

Oh?

Let me guess, you wanna be a Playpen model.

Oh, yeah, you got me, what gave it away?

Well, there's a couple of obvious clues.

Oh, yeah, well, you know, I always wanted

to model for Playpen and I thought

that working here would give me a leg up.

You'll definitely have your legs up all right.

What do you mean?

Look, Nikki, you seem like a really sweet girl.

I know that being a Playpen model seems

like a really glamorous thing.

You bet!

However, what you have to do to get there,

well, I'm not really sure that it's worth it.

What do you mean?

Tony Tefflor.

Oh.

You know, I used to be a Playpen mode.

Really?

Actually, I was the first Playpen Girl of the Year,

and that's what started the tradition

of Tef dating the girl of the year.

Oh, you're dating Tef?

So is that why you're not afraid of Frank?

Was dating, but, as time goes on, he moves on,

and now he's dating some 19 year old

while I'm stuck here schlepping drinks

for all the pigs here at Playpen.

But you're still so beautiful!

I mean, you could be a Playpen girl now.

You're sweet, but I don't think so.

No, seriously.

- Really, you think so? - Yeah, yes!

Look at you, that face, those eyes, those lips.

Yeah, I should probably lock that door

before you get to my milky white thighs.

Laura the photographer, I'm sure of it.

No, no, no, it's Mo the waitress.

She hates Tef for what he did to her,

and who could blame her?

He used her up and threw her away.

It's just like this plot I saw on my soap the other day.

He did the same thing to Laura,

and she's really, really bitter about the whole thing.

Ladies, ladies, please, now, if we're gonna

start accusing every former centerfold

that Tef dated and dumped, we're gonna have

half the models in this town on our suspect list.

Well, maybe they should be.

Look, Tef dated a lot of models,

and none of those relationships ended well,

but only Laura and Mo were present at the accidents.

That's true, but they weren't both present

at all of them.

Laura was on the film shoots and Mo was at the club.

She's got a point.

Maybe they're working together

in some sort of evil, twisted plot.

No, but there was one person who had access

to all the places accidents happened.

Frank Devlin.

He manages the club, and he shoots the videos,

and, if his contract becomes voided,

he can start his own production company free and clear.

All right, we have a long list of suspects.

There's nothing to do but just keep on investigating.

Absolutely, we're headed over to the club right now.

I think it's time we meet Mr. Tefflor

and find out what he has to say for himself.

I think that's a good idea.

But be careful!

Do you think maybe there could be evil twins involved?

You know, you can never trust those evil twins.

Yeah, you should know.

Hello, ladies, I'm Tony Tefflor.

Playpen magazine, Playpen nightclub,

Playpen Productions, all part

of the Playpen Incorporated family.

Mr. Tefflor, we need to make this quick

before Frank returns to the club.

I sent him across town on an errand.

We have plenty of time, and, please,

everybody calls me Tef.

Ah, I see you've noticed my trademark PJs.

Oh, it's just part of the image.

You know, sexy man about town who spends

all of his time in bed and seldom alone,

if you know what I mean.

Women find it irresistible.

Really?

Oh.

Mr. Tefflor, I'm sorry, Tef, let me introduce myself.

I'm Sandy Banner.

This is Jasmine St. James.

And Nikki Resnik.

Such beautiful women to be private detectives.

Perhaps I have some privates you would like to detect.

We are not that good.

Tef, as you know, we've been undercover the last few days,

investigating your operations.

Yes, how's that going?

Oh, I saw your pictures, by the way.

They're wonderful, just wonderful.

Aw, thanks, I think.

So far we have a lot of suspects, but not a lot of proof.

Well, when you're as fantastically successful,

as filthy rich, and incredibly, incredibly sexy as I am,

you have a lot of enemies.

Sure.

So who are your suspects.

Frank the club manager.

Laura the photographer.

And your head cocktail waitress Maureen.

Perhaps you've already heard I used to date

both Laura and Maureen.

Yes.

They may have cause to hate me, but kill me?

That's preposterous.

But when you're as fantastically successful, as-

Filthy rich and incredibly, incredibly sexy,

yes, we know.

So you do find me sexy?

Of course you do, my dear.

I'm sorry, Mr. Tefflor, can we just stick to the case?

As I said, Sandy, I have a lot of enemies.

Any one of the people you named could have it in for me.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to have a ceremony

to unveil the Playpen Girl of the Century.

I can't afford any more accidents.

Do you understand?

Oh, yes, sir, we will do our best.

I hope that's good enough.

My best is always good enough.

I'm sure it is.

Tef, you don't by any chance happen

to have an evil twin, do you?

Oh, come on.

He might be the evil twin.

Okay, let's get out of here.

Frank. Sandy.

What are you doing here?

Come back to accept my proposal?

Proposal?

Business proposal.

Oh.

- What are you doing, Nikki? - Huh?

Why am I paying you six bucks an hour?

I should have you arrested for loitering.

Get busy, we open for dinner in half an hour.

Yes, sir!

I better get going, as well.

Big day tomorrow. Bye.

You know these girls?

Oh, I'm just trying to get to know the business.

You know, doing my due diligence if I'm gonna invest.

Still thinking about investing

in this old broken down company?

Oh, you know, there is some name value there.

Playpen magazine is known around the world.

Past tense, baby, past tense.

Devlin Productions is gonna wipe them off the map,

until Tef is just a distant memory in some erotic museum.

Wow, sounds personal.

Is there a problem between you and Mr. Tefflor?

Tef got me started in this business

when nobody else would, gave me a break.

Sounds like you owe him.

Yeah, it's that damn contract of his.

He thinks that if I work for him,

I'm gonna work for a lifetime for him.

It's not gonna happen, baby.

I'm gonna break free, break free now.

What the hell's going on here?

Hello, my dear.

Get out, now.

I don't think so.

I found this.

I'm well aware of who you really are.

So now that you know who I really am,

what exactly do you plan to do about it?

Not sure yet.

If I tell my boss that you've been investigating him,

he's probably not gonna take that too kindly.

Do you have to tell him?

Well, maybe I could be convinced not to.

What exactly do you want, do you want money,

'cause I don't have any.

I don't want your money, I want you.

You mean?

Cut, cut!

Cut.

How was that, Mr. Devlin?

That was awful!

That was horrible!

People wanna believe that you are in love with this guy,

not that this guy is here to do your taxes!

What do you mean?

What do you mean what do I mean?

Look, you have to be sexy.

You have to make love to the camera.

Well, I thought I was supposed to be making love to Burt.

Ah, why no one ever thought to put

a brain in a beautiful head is beyond me.

That's not very nice, Mr. Devlin.

Shut up, Burt.

Yes, sir.

Okay, we're gonna do this again, okay?

We're gonna do this again, all right,

from where we left off, and you two are on the bed, okay?

This time with passion, okay, with passion!

Don't worry, I've done a million of these things.

Frank yells a lot, but he doesn't mean anything by it.

I hope so.

We're gonna do this one great.

Thanks.

And action.

Jas, look out!

Did you get that?

I could've been killed.

Thank God you're okay.

Well, if it wasn't for that hunka hunka horrible actor,

I wouldn't have been.

Well, that certainly does narrow down

our list of suspects.

Laura was working with the light just before it fell,

but that Frank.

Yeah, he definitely has a motive.

He thinks Tef is holding him back,

and that contract he's under is really frying his ass.

Okay, so it's got to be Laura or Frank.

They were the only ones who were present,

except for the hunka actor.

Not quite.

Mo didn't show up for work today, called in sick.

Very suspicious.

Great, we're back to square one.

Yeah, it looks like it.

This is ridiculous.

We're getting nowhere with this case,

and, tomorrow night, Tef announces

the Playpen Girl of the Century.

Yeah, they were talking about it all day at the club.

It's being held there.

Okay, we've really got to turn up the heat on this.

You've got to come up with something before then.

If ever there was an opportunity to drive

Playpen Incorporated into the ground,

that would be some sort of deadly accident at this event.

You're exactly right, Benny.

We're all gonna be there,

and we've gotta be on our toes.

I'm telling you guys, I'm convinced that it's Frank.

Those beady little eyes and his furrowed brow?

He just looks like a killer.

Not exactly evidence that will stand up in court,

but your instincts have been right before.

We're gonna keep a very close eye on him.

In fact, I think I have a plan.

Ooh, I love plans!

Hey, Mo.

Laura.

Getting ready for the big night, I see.

Think you got a chance at Playpen Girl of the Century?

I was Tef's favorite once, so you never know.

Well, we were all Tef's favorite at some point.

What about you, you think you have a chance?

I mean, it's the girl in front of the camera that counts,

not the girl behind it.

Ah, said the girl behind the bar counter.

Let's face it, Laura,

neither one of us have a chance.

I mean, Tef, he used us up and tossed us aside.

I know, this whole Playpen Girl of the Century

is just his last ditch attempt to save his crumbling empire.

Is the company really in that much trouble?

Would you care if it was?

Are you kidding?

I mean, let's face it, Laura, he screwed both of us,

literally and figuratively.

Yeah, so, you think a little payback might be in order?

Mm, I like the way you think.

Yeah, and you are very sexy when you are devious.

I know.

What is it with me and Playpen girls this week?

Ex-Playpen girls. Oh, even better.

Okay, girls, you know the plan.

When Frank gets here, we have to keep

him occupied until the announcement.

- Right. - Got it.

My, my, my.

Hello, Mr. Tefflor.

Please, call me Tef, everybody calls me Tef.

Are you to be my bodyguard for this evening?

Oh, no, Jasmine here, she'll be your side all night.

Nikki and I will be around making sure nothing happens.

Jasmine, my latest Playpen Girl of the Month.

Well, thank you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, thank you.

Tell me, my dear, do you prefer

the month of October or November?

I can see that she'll have no problem

staying by his side.

Yeah, the problem's gonna be detaching

herself at the end of the night.

Sandy, how you doing, good to see you.

I didn't know you were gonna be here this evening.

Oh, you know, I'm just keeping an eye

on my prospective investment.

Oh, still thinking about investing

in Playpen entertainment?

I was hoping I'd convinced you otherwise.

Well, maybe I just need a little more convincing.

Wanna go to your office?

That's very tempting, Miss Banner,

but, unfortunately, I've got a ceremony

I must attend to, as I am the manager of this club.

Oh, I know you are mighty important.

No, I've just got all this money floating around,

I'd really hate to waste it on a bad investment.

Yes, well, I don't know.

Well, Nikki here, I think she wants to join us.

Okay, all right, let's make this quick.

Now, girls, this really can't take long, okay?

Frank, look at us,

is this really something you wanna rush?

Oh, is this thing on?

Hello, everybody, and welcome

to the Playpen Girl of the Century extravaganza.

As everyone know, for decades, the dream

of every little girl in every little town

across this great nation has been to become

a Playpen Girl of the Month.

Nothing says success like a staple through the navel.

And once these fine girls have attained

Playpen Girl of the Month,

the next step is Playpen Girl of the Year.

For years, that has been the pinnacle of achievement

for a Playpen girl.

But, now, by popular demand, I introduce

the Playpen Girl of the Century.

The model that I have chosen epitomizes

everything that I love about a Playpen girl.

And so, now, without further ado,

I bring you the Playpen Girl of the Century,

Jasmine St. James!

Wow!

Wow!

What?

Wait a goddamn minute, Tef!

How, how can she be Playpen Girl of the Century?

I only photographed her a few days ago!

Yes, and you did such a good job.

She's beautiful and charming.

Oh, you son of a bitch!

Mo, you, too?

Yeah, you thought I was beautiful and charming

and everything else I'm sure you told

that little chippy when you were screwing her.

Ew, I've never had sex with this guy.

Like I believe that.

It's all coming back to haunt you now, Tef.

All the sleeping around, all the lies

to every girl in a skirt who dreamed of being somebody.

Listen, listen to me, I never had sex with that girl.

And why would she be the exception, huh, Tef?

What would stop you now from fooling around?

Listen to me,

I haven't been able to have sex in years.

Ew!

Really?

Oh, how sad for you.

All right, sister, game's up.

Where's Frank?

Oh, he's all tied up.

Tef, hello, Tef, hello, anybody?

Help!

Help.

Tef?

Tef?

I'm tied up.

Mo.

Oh, Jasmine, you saved my life.

How can I ever thank you?

Hands off, creep.

This case is over, and, apparently, so are you.

Well, girls, we did it, well done.

Yay!

Yay!

Well, looks like another successful assignment

for the Teeny Weeny Bikini Squad.

Sure was.

Frank admitted he was behind the accidents.

He wanted Tef out of business so he could

start a competing production company.

But what persuaded Frank to spill the beans?

Oh, I can be very persuasive.

Okay, but what about Laura and Maureen?

Oh, just disgruntled former girlfriends.

Pretty much every girl Tef ever dated wanted to kill him.

So, right now, there's a booking sergeant

at police headquarters getting quite an eyeful.

Yeah, well, I guess it didn't do Tef much good, huh?

Aw.

Yeah, his image was that of a virile man

who could bed any woman he wanted.

Now that the truth came out,

nobody really cared anymore.

So I guess that smoking jacket

really was a turnon for women, huh?

Amazing.

Well, at any rate, now that that's all wrapped up,

we can finally go on our vacation!

About that vacation-

- Oh, no, Benny! - Come on!

Not again!

We have another case, and it just can't wait.

Well, what is it this time?

There was a skydiving accident about a week ago.

Two people were killed.

They're thinking it may be foul play.

Skydiving, what does that have to do with us?

Well, it's nude skydiving.

Oh, come on, get him, get him!

Come here!

I wanna go on vacation!

You said you promised!

Girls, this would normally be when I tell you

to pack your bikinis, but, in this case,

I think you might be overdressed.

Do you think maybe there could be evil twins involved?

You know, you can never trust those evil twins.

Oh, boy, I sense a lot of nudity in our future.

Most of the customers here, they don't care

about the quality of the service

but the quantity of the server, if you know what I mean.

Gee, that's a bit much, isn't it?

Well, it's the winter edition.

Tef, Mo, Tef, Mo, anybody!

Help!

Help.

Listen to me, Claude, there's no reason

to get your panties in a twist.

If I tell my boss that you've been investigating him,

he's probably not gonna take that too kindly.

You have a subscription, don't you?

Well, yes, but I only read the articles.

I haven't been able to have sex in years.