Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

[Marge] Hmm.

Hmm.

Who are these perfectly-coiffed young men on all the billboards?

"Wolfgang Von Bassdrop.

Pound sign Von pound sign.

Sex Towel.

Glenn the Eruptor."

[scoffs] In my day, billboards advertised things that made sense.

Like energy drinks or exciting new windshield repair companies.

Now it's just an endless stream of look-alike weirdos

who no one has ever heard of.

They're all DJs with residencies at casinos and nightclubs.

They can make millions of dollars in one night.

I heard DJ Cheeseface bought his parents a mansion.

[♪ dance music playing]

That's right, Homer. He bought us a mansion.

Son buy mansion?

Bart is son.

[♪ music ends]

[breathing deeply]

[gasps, pants]

What the hell are you doing?

Duh. I'm giving you a glow up for your rewarding new career.

Keeping you off the streets and me in a mansion.

You're going to be the world's next hot DJ.

You can start by mixing with all my old records.

Smash Mouth. British nerd rocker, Thomas Dolby.

Akron, Ohio nerd rockers Devo. And Taco's Puttin' on the Ritz.

Mmm. Tacos, pudding and Ritz.

From these musical seeds,

you will grow a mighty skyscraper of DJ fame and fortune.

Now get behind those turntables

and start spinning that big stack of black shellac.

- [record scratching] - [♪ "Whip It" playing]

Hey, this doesn't suck.

I've always wanted to do something creative

without actually creating something.

Hmm. Something's still off.

Ah!

♪ Give the past a slip... ♪

Perfect. Now dominate that mix, boy. Rave against the dawn.

♪ When a problem comes along You must whip it ♪

[muffled] ♪ Before the cream sits out too long ♪

♪ You must whip it ♪

- ♪ When something's going wrong... ♪ - [yawns]

What's all this ruckus? It's the middle of the night.

If the boy's gonna succeed in the DJ world,

he needs to practice on Ibiza time.

Though at this point, I don't even think he's good enough for Corfu.

I don't know what any of those words mean,

but Maggie needs her sleep.

♪ Now whip it Into shape ♪

♪ Shape it up Get straight... ♪

There. I made her a Quiet Place box, from the mind of John Krasinski.

I hate that guy.

Bart cannot be a DJ in our basement.

Honey, I completely agree.

Enjoy the billboard, pally. Seems like a good investment to me.

I don't have a single concern.

[♪ electronic music playing]

[all cheer]

Bart... I mean, Bartholomieux. When are you planning to drop the beat?

Apparently it's very important.

Evening, Homer. Or should I say morning?

Listen, you know I like to keep my blankets dry and my parties un-pooped,

but, uh, all this, uh, well, noise, I guess you'd call it,

is making it difficult for me and my boys to sleep.

It's not noise. It's a tantalizing journey into sound.

Well, uh, could you at least ask Bart to turn it diddly-down?

[screams] What?

Turn it diddly-down!

[through mixer] ♪ Diddly-down Did-Diddly-down, did-diddly-down... ♪

Whoa. Listen to the cool guy in the song. [chuckles]

I wish I was you.

See you later, DJ Stupid Mustache.

[sighs] Okily dokily.

[through mixer] ♪ O-O-O-Okily dokily O-O-Okily dokily ♪

♪ Did-Diddly-down D-D-D-Down ♪

[all cheer]

♪ Cheese mansion Mansion made of cheese ♪

What you got there, Flanders?

Well, sir, it occurred to me

that, uh, if I'm a little, uh... [chuckles]

...inconvenienced by Bart's musical endeavors,

it's, uh, really up to me to find a solution.

So I went out and purchased three pairs of these good boys.

Noise-canceling headphones, eh?

Man, I've always wanted to try those.

Mind if I take them out for a test spin?

- Well, actually, I... - Thanks, neighbor.

Hello there, Mrs. McCormick.

Dark times shall come to Evergreen Terrace afore the year is out.

[chuckles]

Oh, Mrs. McCormick, I do so enjoy your dire portents.

[humming]

[♪ electronic music playing]

Oh. This beat's getting pretty big. Maybe I'll drop it soon, or maybe I won't.

For God's sake, drop it, Bartholomieux.

The tension, while delicious, is unbearable!

[grunting]

[chuckles]

[♪ music continues, muffled]

[♪ music continues, blaring]

Daddy, this noise unto the Lord isn't joyful.

[babbling]

[♪ music continues playing]

[all gasping]

Bart, what happened?

The beat. I waited too long to drop it.

It was like a tiger in a cage, and I just kept taunting it.

[cries]

Yeats was right. "Things fall apart, the center cannot hold."

And when he wrote that in 1918, they didn't even have DJs.

I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm out of the DJ game.

But what about my mansion? I've already started interviewing butlers.

I used to think DJs were overpaid frauds,

but I now know they require the nerves of a surgeon

and the rare gift of turning music into faster, louder music.

If anything, they aren't paid enough.

Sorry, guys. You can all go home.

- All right, very good, sir. - As you wish, sir.

It's been an honor, sir.

I'm just glad we were able to sleep through your big explode-o,

thanks to those noise-canceling headphones your father bought.

Oh, actually, I didn't buy them. I-I kind of borrowed them from Flanders.

So Ned and his boys

had to spend the night enduring that-- no offense Bart-- racket?

Homer Simpson, you return those headphones and apologize immediately.

Fine. [scoffs] The things I do for this family.

Oh. Hey, Flanders. I was just bringing back your headphones.

Oh, you don't look so good. Did you get beat up at the circus?

Homer, this sweater is the one thing you've never ever borrowed from me.

So I'm giving it to you now.

[headphones clatter]

Hmm.

Hmm, hmm.

Ah! It's a little small.

Now that I've literally given you the shirt off my back,

you and I will never have any reason to interact ever again.

In fact, these are the last words I'll ever say to you.

[gasps] I've never seen Ned that upset.

Ned Flanders is never going to speak to me again? Ever?

I guess I only have two words.

Woo-hoo!

- [thunder rumbles] - [♪ ominous music plays]

The dark times have begun.

Some days I wish Mrs. McCormick had never moved here.

[♪ ominous music playing]

So Flanders thinks he'll never speak another word to me again, eh?

Well, I say woo-hoo. Have I said woo-hoo yet?

You have, Homer.

Well, it bears repeating.

I mean, does he think I enjoy talking to him?

Because I don't.

[sighs]

You're right. If anything, it should be me that never says another word to him.

In fact, do you know who the real victim is?

- Is it you? - Bingo.

However, if Flanders thinks that by not talking to me he... [chuckles] ...wins,

I cannot allow that to happen.

By this time tomorrow, he'll be talking my ear off.

Great plan.

It is a great plan, and I'll tell you why.

- I'm asleep, aren't I? - Yes.

Listen up, Flanders. We need to talk about this so-called vow of silence of yours.

You go first.

[whimpers]

I've never seen my daddy so angry before. It's like a bad movie.

Have you ever seen a movie, Todd?

No. What happens?

- Lotta stuff. - Neat.

Oh. My dad has done so many bad things to your dad,

and I think your dad has finally had enough.

I really don't think this is gonna blow over.

- [leaf blower whirring] - [Homer] Oh, my God.

Look what's blowing over. Leaves from my tree.

And they're going into Flanders's yard.

Neighbors fight over this kind of thing all the time,

so I bet you have something to say to me about it.

Oh, come on, Flanders. Yell or something. Put me in my place.

- [screams] - [thuds]

[whimpering]

Should we help your dad or wait till he stops twitching?

I find it's best to wait.

Sir, I'm about to make your day.

I just need a full oral presentation on all of your left-handed wares.

Spoken, please.

"Left-handed apple peeler. Left-handed chip clip.

Left-handed belt buckle.

- Big Book of Left-Handed Compliments." - Hmm.

[sighs]

[Homer gasps]

Oh, I should have known he'd have a backup savior.

[♪ hip-hop music playing]

♪ All the ladies in the house go, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ All the fellas in the house go, whoo ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ All the Flanders in the house Say anything ♪

♪ Everybody in the house Give me a second ♪

[♪ music ends]

[all murmuring]

[whimpers]

Oh, boy.

Hiya, Marge. To what do I owe my guest appearance in your blessed day?

Actually, Ned, I was wondering if you and I could maybe discuss

this situation between you and Homer.

Of course we could. Come on in.

[no audible dialogue]

[Homer whimpering]

So? So? Did he talk about me?

He sure did. [sighs]

I gotta say, Homer,

if I weren't married to you, I probably wouldn't talk to you either.

Oh. I can't take this anymore.

I thought Flanders not talking to me would be a magical Mardi Gras,

but instead it's been a never-ending Lent.

[cries]

Lent!

Then why not do the one thing you haven't done? Apologize.

That's it. I'll write him an apology.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

- Hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - [♪ music ends]

Actually, Dad, it's good. Really good.

I had no idea you had such depths of feeling in you.

I mean, wow. You did quote the movie Point Break more than I expected.

But I really think Mr. Flanders may finally forgive you.

I hope you're right.

I bared my whole soul in this letter, and it feels amazing.

Writers must be the happiest people in the world.

Knock him dead, Dad.

[giggles]

[clattering]

[screams] We've been burgled!

[machine whirring]

That's our stuff. What are you doing?

You have to tell me why you're destroying my stuff!

It's my stuff, you imbecile.

I'm reclaiming everything you've ever borrowed from me and destroying it

so you can never borrow it again.

That includes the lock on your front door.

But what about my apology?

Homer, your apology was beautiful, heartfelt, and enraging.

Huh?

You know, I gave you a pass all these years

'cause I thought you were just too dumb to know better.

But this eloquent plea for forgiveness

shows you're a thinking, feeling human being.

And you did this stuff to me anyway.

[screams] My couch. The one thing in this world I truly love.

It's my couch. You borrowed it from me the very first day we met.

[screams, pants] I've gotta get over there and stop this madness.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

Gone to Flanders to save couch. Home for dinner.

[gasps] My car.

You killed my car. Okay, mister, I'll kill your car.

[♪ suspenseful music continues]

[gasps, growls]

Car fight! Car fight! Car fight!

[engines revving]

[growls]

[both groaning]

- [stammers] - I don't wanna hear it.

[gavel rapping]

What do you two chuckleheads have to say for yourselves?

I hate him more than Joab hated Abner in the Book of Samuel.

I hate him more than Tennessee Tuxedo hated the tedium of his life in the zoo.

- I don't know what to say to you. - Oh, yeah?

You are just beneath contempt.

Chumley the walrus has a lot more to say about this situation--

[gavel raps]

I have never seen two people with such a bitter hatred for each other

outside of happily married couples.

Hmm.

Well, that gives me an idea for one of my folksy, movie premise-like judgments.

Instead of jail,

I sentence the two of you to 100 hours of couples counseling.

[all gasp]

- D'oh! - Permission to use profanity, Your Honor?

I'll allow it.

Marmalade milkshake!

[all gasp]

[♪ dramatic riff plays]

[sighs] Look, I need you both to know that this isn't gonna be an overnight fix.

It could take years of intensive soul-baring...

Could you please stop flicking each other in the eyeballs?

All right, that does it for talk therapy. Luckily, there are drugs.

- I don't do drugs. - I'll have his.

There have been amazing advances

in the use of therapeutic psychedelics for dysfunctional couples.

U-completeamine will take you on a shared journey

that could help resolve your conflict

with only a slight risk of permanent brain explosion, or P.B.E.

I'll happily blow up both our brains

if there's the slightest chance of making Ned suck less.

[sighs] I can't live with this anger anymore. Let's just do it.

[screams]

[counselor] The drug is now slowly entering your bloodstream.

Just relax and remember,

if you see a door, open it.

If you see a road, follow it.

And most importantly...

[distorted] we don't take insurance.

[♪ trance music playing]

I'm scared. Where are we going?

I don't dang-diddly know.

- [♪ trance music continues] - Soul sensors activate.

How many of you beautiful mutants

are ready to drop some serious repressed emotions?

[crowd cheering]

[gasps] What the hell is going on?

We're cartoons.

- [gasps] Garfunkel! - Turtlenecks!

Good grief!

Why did we turn into all those famous duos?

Famous? I didn't recognize any of them.

[both stammering]

[Ned] Huh?

[Ned] Now we have no corporeal form.

[Homer] Nice going, Flanders.

- [clamoring] - [♪ operatic music playing]

[♪ music stops]

Everyone's dead.

Which means no one's defending your brain castle.

- [yelps] - [♪ music resumes]

- [gasps] - [♪ music ends]

Flanders's head is full of me.

Homer has a shrine to me?

- I think I get it now. - I think I get it now.

I see how happy and successful you are, so I think I'm not worthy of you.

I treat you terribly out of my own insecurity.

Also, because you've got awesome stuff and I like taking it.

And I wish I could savor life half as much as you do.

But what I truly love is feeling morally superior to you.

That's why I accept and even encourage your worst behavior.

Like how you're scratching your butt with that statue of me.

[moaning] I...

What? It's pointy.

So I-I guess what we really want is the status quo.

Status whoa.

Another U-completeamine breakthrough.

Well, how is it possible we had the exact same psychedelic sleigh ride?

And why are you a part of it?

I couldn't tell you. No one has any idea how these drugs work. Bye.

[♪ adventurous music plays]

Well, Homer, any thoughts?

[both sobbing]

Flanders.

[bird chirping]

[Ned] Homer, did you take my paper again?

No. Why would you say that?

Because you're holding it.

Florida has a hockey team?

[sighs] You know what, Homer? Okily dokily.

Ned, I got something for you.

My sweater.

Thanks, neighborino.

You're welcome, Stupid Flanders.

[♪ electronic music playing]

[♪ music ends]

♪ See my vest ♪

♪ See my vest See my vest ♪

♪ That was Marge, bitch ♪

♪ Who controls the British crown? ♪

♪ Who keeps the metric system down? ♪

♪ The name's Poochie D And I rock the telly ♪

♪ I'm half Joe Camel And a third Fonzarelli ♪

♪ He can talk, he can talk He can talk ♪

- ♪ I can sing! ♪ - ♪ Ooh, help me, Dr. Zaius ♪

- ♪ What'd I say? ♪ - ♪ Do the Bartman ♪

- ♪ What's it called? ♪ - ♪ The Bartman ♪

♪ 'Cause everyone is horrid Except me and possibly... ♪

And hit it!

♪ Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius! ♪

- ♪ Brain freeze ♪ - [apes] ♪ Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius! ♪

♪ Shaving my shoulders ♪

♪ That name again is Mr. Plow ♪

[♪ song ends]

Shh.