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Growing up in the streets ain 't no joke.

There's crazy crime...

...drugs...

...and mad violence.

Yeah, the streets is tough.

But there ain 't no streets tougher than mine. The streets of...

...Malibu.

It's hardcore up in the 'Bu, y'all.

It's just part of the everyday struggle.

Things go down here people should never see.

We got bag ladies...

...big ballers...

...everybody strapped with a 9.

This is my ghetto. The mall.

Most of the time the police won 't even come through.

We got all sorts of sets up in here.

We got the beach boys...

...the A CCs: the Abused Children of Celebrities...

...and this is my crew.

That's my boy Mocha. That brother straight-up crazy.

He did time in public school!

That there is Hadji. He's the Beast from the Middle East.

And that's Monster. She had a big chip on her shoulder...

...till she ate it.

Hey, that's me! B-Rad G.

I run things around here.

Now, sometimes bustas be disrespecting.

And you can 't punk out, no matter what the devil may bring.

Hey, yo, fool! We about to have some hardcore drama go down right about now!

That's right!

This our mall. Always has been, always will be.

Mr. Amerislani.

Our clerk accidentally gave you the wrong aromatherapy candles.

Here you go!

-You validate parking? -Of course, sir.

That's what I'm talking about! We get ours!

That's my crib.

It ain 't much, but it's all I got.

If you elect me governor....

That's my pops, Bill Gluckman.

He getting his campaign on.

I got mad love for the man, but he 's old-school.

He needs to bring his word to the street. That's where I come in.

You see, friends...

...California is my family.

And speaking of family, I want to introduce my wife, Bess.

And my daughter, little Brenda.

-Where's your son Brad? -Yes, sir, where is he?

Thank you for your questions. Unfortunately, we are out of time for today.

Yo, what's up, y'all? This is B-Rad G, kicking it from 'Bu.

Represizzent!

Hi, Pops, it's me! B-Rad!

Hi, Brad.

Show's over! That's it. Show's over!

See that? I know how to get the party started!

And I know my pop was loving it.

It's a disaster!

The Times and the Chronicle will run it as a big joke.

-Thank God! -How did this happen?

I have no idea. I didn't even know he was in town!

We can't keep tabs on this kid? Can anybody tell me where he is?

That was off the hinges!

I just got you another million votes right there!

What you doing here, son?

I knew I had to show up in order for you to blow up!

So I called up Captain Tony, he fired up the Lear jizzy...

...and boo-yah! I'm in the hizzy.

I'll be on the campaign trizzy too. 24/7.

You know, kissing babies and whatnot.

Pound it.

Yeah, all good. Tom, you down, you gots....

Okay, dude. I'll let you all do your campaign thing.

Oh, Bill....

You need to shut this down.

Tell your son that he cannot be in your campaign, period.

Wait a minute. I love his enthusiasm. It's a little misguided, but....

Isn't there something he can do for the campaign where he can't hurt us?

No.

-Phones? -No.

Stuffing envelopes? Making signs?

Signs.

In Bill Gluckman's administration...

...women are going to have better health care.

Women are going to have better daycare!

And women will have better jobs!

In fact, after today, my campaign has a new slogan:

" Bill Gluckman is down with the bitches and the ho's"?

It was supposed to have read "Women are first with Gluckman."

No, no. That's old-school, Pops.

You need to keep your pimp hand strong.

So, Bradley....

Yo, why you keep calling me that?

Well, that's your name, isn't it?

It's my slave name, all right?

I told you like 50 times!

Okay.

B-Rad.

What's up?

What are your goals, B-Rad? What do you want out of life?

To be the biggest rapper there ever was.

You see, doc, I got something to say...

...and I need the world to hear it.

I'm a "lyrisologist."

I can rap about anything.

See? I'm the shiznit! I'll buy y'all cars.

I see.

When did you first start feeling like you were this...

...shiznit?

Dang, way back in the day.

I had these beats in my head since I was a little shorty.

From then on in, it was hip-hop 24/7.

As I was growing up, my parents and me couldn 't communicate.

They were always on different channels.

Finish those vegetables, Bradley. They smell good.

You won 't be excused until you do.

Forget y'all!

That's it, mister--

What I ' m sensing, Brad...

...is that...

...your parents weren ' t always there for you.

-No. -That's ridiculous.

What about your bar mitzvah?

What's the theme of your bar mitzvah? Star Wars? Baseball? Superheroes?

-It's O.P.P., bitch! -What?

Bess.

I think you want to share.

B-Rad, you're a wonderful son. It's just that....

Well....

Bess, let's not beat around the bush. Brad...

...your behavior has become an embarrassment to the family.

Don't be hating.

And I can't have you on the campaign anymore.

What? That's how it is? You done it now!

Y'all opened up big a can of tough love!

-What can we do, doctor? -I don't know.

This is the most advanced case of "gangsta-phrenia" I've ever seen.

Three colors for our country. Where's the red?

Bill! Hey, Bill.

-How'd it go with Dr. Feldman? -Great.

If he sees Brad five times a week for the next three or four years...

...we should see some real improvement.

But, sir, the election is eight weeks away.

-Right, good point. -It's okay.

We've been brainstorming some different approaches...

-...and we might have something solid. -Well, I'm all ears.

-Go! -Okay, sir.

Brad acts ghetto, right?

But he's never been east of Beverly Hills.

But what if we give him a little dose of reality?

Let him get a firsthand look at the ghetto.

-You mean have Brad actually go there? -Exactly.

-Well, now, that sounds dangerous. -No! Perfectly safe.

-How's it work? -We hire actors to play gangstas.

Right. They will carjack Brad and take him on a tour around the 'hood.

Give him a taste of what the thug life is really like.

-lt might just scare the black out of him. -Excuse me?

Hey, don't you have something to do?

Enough of the P.C.

Fact is, unless we do something now, Brad is going to cost us this election.

Who would play the gangsters?

Remember the anti-crime spot we shot a month ago?

-We've got that queued up. -Yes, we do. Over here, please.

For too long, street violence has torn Californians apart.

Bill Gluckman wants to put our divisions behind us.

Hey, instead of thinking about what set you're from...

...or what crew you 're rolling with...

... why don 't you both be brothers?

What do you say?

Your hair looks great.

I ain't never thought of it like that.

Shake hands.

You see?

California is my family.

If we all work together as a family, there's no telling how high we can go.

See, that's beautiful. These are the guys we're talking about.

All right, let me get this straight.

You want us to scare this kid into acting like a little white boy again?

If you don't think you can handle it--

Of course we can handle it.

-I'm from Juilliard, for chrissake. -I'm from the Pasadena Playhouse.

Good.

I have some background information on our dear boy Brad.

Materials.

Mali-bootay?

Yes, he considers himself a rapper of sorts.

-Frigging A. -The story is your basic kidnapping.

By kidnapping, you mean we hold him for ransom?

Good question.

Right.

Now, when you see him start to get ghetto and do his whole black thing-- Yes, that.

I want it to piss you off.

Tour him around the 'hood, around the ghetto, if you will...

-...and show him what it's really like. -ln the ghetto?

Pays 1 5 grand apiece, son.

-We're in. -Good.

-Now, on the flip side.... -Flip it.

If you two screw up and a single hair is touched on Brad's overprivileged head...

...I will see to it personally that you two do some serious time.

-Are we clear? -Oh, we are Cristal.

I like that.

Mr. Gibbons.

What about the money?

We have 5 up front...

...and 25 when you return him to us...

...white.

As the driven snow.

-Pleasure doing business, gentlemen. -Let me get that for you, sir.

I'll call you. Or better yet, I'll holler.

-We'll holler back! -Holler back, player.

Thank you. All right.

Congratulations, buddy! We just booked another gig!

Not so fast, this is dangerous stuff.

-This is the ghetto. We could get shot! -Come on, man.

We can handle ourselves. Right?

This will be the ultimate acting challenge.

-You know what really chaps my ass? -What?

After all of our years of training and studying...

...they continue to give us parts that are gangbangers.

Just once I'd like to play someone who speaks with proper grammar...

...and doesn't wear those Timberlands with the laces undone, it's so sloppy.

It beats getting dunked on by Bill Gluckman!

Do we even know anybody that lives in the ghetto?

My cousin.

Shondra.

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I got better things to do with my time.

Like what? Work at Wiener On A Bun? Come on!

Really, you're always talking about improving yourself.

-Here's your chance! -I am improving myself, fool!

I broke up with no-good, gangbanging Tec, I'm going to beauty school...

...and then I'm gonna hook up my own salon.

How about hooking a brother up with a Pepsi and fries?

Shut up, stupid.

-PJ. -What? P J

You need to do this.

You need to walk away from this minimum-wage crap...

...take these earnings and start that beauty parlor.

-What you paying? -Business. We're in business.

-A grand. -We're paying a grand.

-Make it trey and we on. -Three thousand dollars?!

Or you can kiss my ass.

-Deal. -Hey, hey.

Deal. Now what about those fries?

Thank you.

-Hey, Gladys? -Yeah, baby?

You ever feel like you don't belong?

All the time.

Most folk only feel comfortable around folk that's the same as them.

They get around folk that's different...

...get all scared and angry, want to keep them down.

What do you do about it?

Nothing to do but keep it real and be proud of who you are.

Gladys?

When they gonna leave our people alone?

I don't know, baby.

I just don't know.

Now eat your greens before they get cold.

"Whack: Weak, of poor quality.

Bad. Whack."

Your alma mater is whack.

"Dis: To disrespect, to embarrass."

-Bring it on, baby. -We are strapped now, brother!

Set these bad boys down.

This is exactly what we ordered?

Yeah, man. They got the Glocks, the Tec-9s, the Uzis.

-Freeze, sucker! -That's convincing, brother!

Look, they're fake.

What the hell is that? What's going on with your hair?

Yeah, check it out, man, my hair.

-Shondra just did it for me. -Yeah, I see that.

-You hate it. -No, I don't hate it.

I thought my character was gonna have the cornrows.

-That's all. -Okay, I see what it is.

You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first.

Frigging A, I'm not jealous, all right. I'm an actor and I would've....

You're frigging whack...

...and don't dis me!

-Got the gangster gear, my dog. -Okay, cool.

-What is so funny? -The wig!

I didn't know it was Halloween!

While you're out, could you bring me back some candy?

Whatever, dude!

Give me your ride, punk, or I will dust your ass.

-Nope. Not convincing. -Damn it!

Find your core character, Sean.

You are an oppressed black man...

-...from the ghetto. -I'm having trouble finding this one.

-Think Tupac. -All right. Let me try it again.

I see it. Action!

Give me your ride, punk, or I will dust your ass!

Add a "bitch" and I think you got it!

Give me your ride, punk, or I will dust your ass, bitch!

-Bitch! Click it! -Bitch!

-Turn around and do it again! -Bitch!

-Domi-ho's! -Boo-yah!

I'll take my money and I'm gonna--

Yo, fool! What, nucka, what?

Damn!

-Play that. -Yeah, girl.

Word.

-Can I help you? -Coffee.

Black.

Hey, yo, Krista the Barista, put it on my account...

...and throw in a white chip macadizzamia nizzut cookie too.

Cool, playa.

-What's your name? -B-Rad.

I'm Shondra.

I ain't seen you around here before.

Where you reside?

Compton. You?

-The streets. -Which streets?

Malibu.

Right. I guess it's pretty hardcore up in here.

Represent!

Was that you dropping rhymes when I came in here?

You heard me? Hell, yeah. I'm a rhymer on time.

Peep my stilo.

Let me find out.

Mali-bootay?

Looks phat. What label you at?

Right now it's just a demo.

I sent it to Dre, but he ain't got back to me yet.

That sound like Dre-Dre. I'll holla at him about it, all right, boo?

All right.

Hold up!

You know Dre?

Hell, yeah, I know Dre. I see him at the meet every Sunday.

-For rizzeal? -For rizzeal.

Yo, holla at him for me.

I don't know. You know, he kind of private.

Please?

You do got it going on a little something-something, though.

I was on my way to go see him. You wanna roll with me?

-Right now? -I'm just trying to help a brother out.

-Let's bounce. -All right.

I gotta use the ladies' room, so just wait, all right, pimp juice?

Hello?

It's on. Beach boy's on the move.

-So, what you rap about, anyway? -I can rap about anything.

-For real? -Yeah.

Let me kick it freestyle for you.

See, that's a million-dollar song right there.

-So how'd you get to be so down? -Shoot, girl.

I been down with the brizzown all my life.

And I must say, of all the mommies that I been with...

...you the finest.

I'm sure.

You got a man?

I did, but I just got rid of his trifling ass.

I ain't nobody's gangsta hoochie, I'm a entrepreneur.

Word up!

One day I'm gonna have me a chain of beauty salons, all up in the 9021 0.

I'll make mad money turning all those little rich hoochies ghetto fabulous.

Damn! You fine and smart too?

You gonna blow up huge, no doubt.

-Thank you. -Oh, for real.

You like a cross between Martha Stewart and Oprah.

-I'm gonna call you Mothra. -What?

Mothra.

Take this exit!

Break yourself, fool!

Give me your ride or I'll dust your ass, bitch!

-What? -You fitting to get jacked, fool!

-Shondra? -Shut up, fool.

-ls this a come-up? -It's a stickup.

-I think I'm gonna throw up. -Get in the back seat, fool!

-We ain't going to Dre's? -Fool, this a kidnapping!

Get your ass in.

Dre? What the hell he talking about?

Yo, punch it, fool! Punch it!

-Kidnapped? -Yeah, fool.

We got your rich Gluckman ass now, punk.

-How y'all know me? -We seen you.

We seen your white behind on the TV.

B-Rad. Yeah.

Your pop's gonna pay, or you gonna pay!

Punch it, fool. We got us a white boy now.

-How much you think we can get? -It's all about the Benjamins.

-Don't you talk about my mama. -I'll talk all I want.

Hell, no! Your mama so fat...

...she got every caterer on speed dial!

What?

Your mama's so fat she uses Mexico, the whole country, as her tanning bed.

Your mama so ugly Jose Eber won't even do her hair.

Yeah, your mama's so ugly she's only been married once!

Your mama's so poor for Halloween her trick was the treat!

Your mama's so poor that your tits are real!

-Oh, no! -Yes!

I'm going, I'm going. I gotta wait for the lady.

Come on, punk! Get in the house, fool!

-Dang, why you doing this to a brother? -What?

-Did he just say "brother"? -No!

-Whose brother? -Yours, y'all! I'm down.

-Damn! Damn! -You done did it now.

You ain't black. And you can never be black!

And your perpetrating ass is taking the only thing that I got left.

-My culture! -Yeah, fool!

What make you think you know what goes down up in the 'hood?

-BET. -What? BET

You think this a joke, wigga? You think this a joke?

-I'm sorry, y'all. Don't be hating. -This ain't a game!

You a long way from the beach now, punk!

We in South Central! It's the 'hood. It's the ghetto, the projects!

We run hardcore up in here. People get killed here every day!

Hey, Shondra, can you come by later? Princess just had puppies.

Okay, Sandy. Bye.

-Pit bull puppies, fool! -And they mean too.

-Don't look at me! -Come on!

-Get your narrow bootie up in there. -Get him up in there!

-Fool, put your hands behind your back. -Behind the back.

You know what I'm about to do now?

-I'm about to call your daddy. -Call your daddy.

You better hope your daddy home too. If he ain't, you gonna be one dusted trick!

Now get your ass on the bed, whitey!

-Did you buy my rage? -No. You're indicating.

-lndicating? -Yes, indicating.

Excuse me? I have never indicated in my life.

Would you two fools just shut the hell up?

She's right. Shut up.

Thank you, Shondra. Whatever!

All right, put this down. You're on.

-Go, girlfriend. Do your thing. -Give me this.

Hey, Shondra.

If you have to...

...show a little ass.

Shut up.

-You all right in here? -Oh, yeah.

I just been kidnapped, carjacked and hands tied behind my back.

But other than that, it's all good.

Look, I'm sorry about all that. That wasn't really my idea.

I thought you liked me.

-I do! -Then how come you set me up?

I had to. They threatened to kill me if I didn't play along.

-For real? -Yeah.

-They straight-up killers out there! -For real?

Let me school you on something. Help us both stay alive.

-Okay. -The one thing they hate...

...more than anything that really makes them crazy...

-...is posers. -Me too, girl. I feel you.

-I'm talking about you. -Me? I ain't a poser. Shoot.

-I got a Ph.D., a Poser-Hater Degree. -Come on, quit fronting.

I ain't fronting.

-This is my sizzal. For rizzal, my nizzal. -Stop it!

You stop it right now and you listen to me.

If you just be yourself, a nice little white boy...

-...I think I can convince them to let you go. -But I'm being myself!

I ams who I says I ams.

Damn! Why won't anybody believe me?

-Well? -Maybe you should show him your ass.

I thought that would have worked. Weird.

All right, what's next?

-How about number three? -Perfect.

We're gonna take it to an entirely different level.

-I got it. -What?

I'm gonna walk in there and be crazy. I'll be ghettofied, buckwild.

You tell me, "Stick to the plan, man. Stick to the plan." Got it?

-Wake up, snowflake! -Yeah!

-We called your dad! -What did he say?

He said he'd think about it.

He don't want your ass home right now.

-I can't say that I blame him. -Hell, no. Not the knife, dog!

Now come on!

-What you doing? -Teach this white girl a lesson!

Bloodbath, we said we would stick to the plan!

-Bloodbath, stick with the plan. -Tree, the plan done changed!

Wannabe say he down.

I'm gonna show him just how un-down he is!

-I gotta cut him! -No, you can't cut him!

-I gotta. -You don't gotta.

We can't get our money!

-I thought you said to cut him! -No--

-Okay, just the white meat. -Move! Let me cut him!

Don't kill him though, Bloodbath!

All right, now, Malibu.

I want you to go up in there. You go get me six 40s of O.E.

-And a fifth of Henny. -Yeah.

-Anything else, dog? -No, playa, I'm cool.

Right on. Right on.

I'd like some Pringles.

This ain't no picnic, bitch!

I'm sorry. Y'all got some ducats? Because since you stole my--

Man!

You about to go up in there and give them Koreans your ends?

-Hell, no! -You jack that shit, fool!

And if the Asiatic give you any static, hit the fool with this right here.

-Look at the little busta. -Little busta.

-Can't even swing a gat. -Shoot.

-Talking about "he down." -But--

-You use that or I'm gonna use it on you! -Okay.

And if you try to get away?

I'm gonna let you taste a piece of my blue steel. You feel me?

Okay. All right.

-Go on, get out! -Okay.

Go!

Hey, white boy.

-"This ain't no picnic, bitch"? Wow! -Thank you. I loved the blue steel line.

Convincing.

-I really can't believe that! -Those improv classes are paying off.

When you said, "This is no picnic, bitch," I screamed on the inside like one.

-For real? -Yeah, I said:

I'm thirsty, I gotta tell you.

And, boy, do I love Olde English. It really helps quench my thirst.

Can I help you?

No, I'm gonna help myself to this O.E. and anything else I want up in here, bitch!

Can I help you?

-Y'all never been robbed? -Sure. Last week was 54 time.

But they were cool. No gun to head, never scream.

-You know, good people. -Cool.

So, dude, how much did you pay the guy?

What are you talking about?

-When you set this thing up yesterday. -I thought you set it up.

You mean--?

Dude, the owner doesn't know this is fake?

$1 6.47.

-Go in and save him! He could get shot! -I'm not gonna go in there! You go in there!

His frigging life is at stake!

My emergency stash!

I'm glad you got cash, because if you had tried to jack me, fool...

...I was gonna have to lay you out with this!

And with this.

And with that.

Keep the change.

-Do me this one favor. -You are the driver. I am the shooter!

-I'm scared of Koreans! -You--

Thank you. Thank you very much! Come again!

What I'm about to do right now, I know it sounds whack...

...but it's just a joke, okay? So please don't shoot me?

Yeah, that's right, fool! Next time I'll bust a cap in your punk ass, bitch!

Yeah, you lucky I don't burn you down! Hell, yeah! Hell, yeah!

-What the hell is wrong with you? -You actually did it?

Let's roll! Hell, yeah! He didn't do nothing! He straight-up trick.

What's up with this? If you jacked it, how come you got a receipt?

I stole that too.

What's on tap for tomorrow?

Well, we have the 1 1 :00 with Greenpeace, then drinks later with the offshore oil lobby.

-How's the Brad project going? -Smooth. He's in South Central.

-God, is he okay? -Oh, he's in excellent hands.

All right. I'm sick of playing game with you, snowflake!

I'm gonna give you five seconds to be real or I'm gonna beat that ass to the curb!

-What you mean be real? -You know what I mean. Be white!

-Five. -Don't do it, Bloodbath! 5

-Four. -Don't do it, Bloodbath! 4

-Three. -He gonna do it! 3

-Two. -Kill him! Kill him! 2

Okay, all right!

Okay, fellas, look, I'm really sorry, okay?

I don't mean to offend you, you know. I don't mean to front or act like a thug.

I'm sorry.

-You buying that? -I don't know. I can't tell.

Me neither.

Let's give him the test.

How you doing, white boy? You cool?

Great. Fine.

Terrific popcorn.

Run, bitch, run! He gonna kill you!

I ain't lying. I ain't lying.

Sorry, y'all, but this is who I am. I'm just a rapper, straight up.

-Wigga, please! -No, for real. I can rap about anything.

You think you got skills?

-We gonna see about that. -Oh, hell, yeah.

Hey, man. I had it up to here with you.

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

-This ain't Malibu. -Represent.

Oh, yeah. We gonna see what you represent now, fool. We at the club!

Snoop, Dre, Cube, all them. They came in through here.

Got something to prove to yourself? Do it in there.

Get in there, fool! Go on up in there!

-Think this is gonna do it, dude. -Oh, we're about to get paid!

What's cracking?

Hey, dog.

-Yeah, how you feeling now, Malibu? -Like I'm home.

Get your ass in there then, fool. Go!

Come on. Let me get through here, man.

-Yo. -Man, I told you I didn't have--

What's happening?

Look, our homey-- You wanna get a young Dre next, man?

Hell, no. You hear what he's saying?

Meet my boy, Ben Franklin.

-What's his name? -B-Rad from Malibu, player.

B-Rad from Mal--? You trying to get me shot?

Hey, you met Ben Franklin's twin brother?

Cutter, playa.

We're gonna bring him up. Go back and play with each other. Come back in five minutes.

-Playa.... -Y'all got some Will Smith back there?

Get jiggy with it!