Original subtitles

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A little heavy on the cheese today, darling.

Remember a long time ago, after your degree,

you were going to go to places where they really needed you.

You mean my save-the-world kick?

Lucky my uncle had that embolism, huh?

Left me the practice

instead of me getting lost in cleft palates.

It never bothers you?

What?

Your conscience.

It's so funny.

I always know when you have PMS.

Uh-oh.

Allergies again? Aww.

Allerden.

Twice a day. Doctor's orders.

Good as new in no time.

"Good as new." What a wonderful expression.

If only it were true for things that seemed beyond repair.

Exactly.

Have a good day.

And don't forget, Allerden.

Almost, almost. One more minute.

Try to stay still.

I'm sorry to interrupt, Doctor,

but my lunch break was an hour ago.

Well, then, I guess I'm obligated to let you go eat.

No one on our staff seems to understand

that the more patients we see a day,

the more they get to wash their uniforms.

She's just great.

Excuse me, I think I know my wife a little better than you do.

Oh, yeah?

No, I didn't know that.

How did you know?

No!

No.

I vote for the one with the big...

putting on the lipstick.

Come on.

The other two are asking half the salaries.

They have resumes.

We don't even know if she can color-code.

Well, every enterprise needs eye candy, Ben.

I mean, you already nixed the aquarium.

Why do we need fish?

We have prints of Indians, prairies.

From Costco!

What's wrong with you, pal?

Wanda, my patient with strep, told me your wife told her...

my wife's seeing a shrink.

Some Edelbaum guy.

Well, it must be true, then.

My wife knows everything about everybody in this town.

I don't get it.

Probably something to do with her mother.

So, how are you liking America?

Oh, I like it very much.

I've been here 25 years.

Oh, and you still talk like that.

Like what?

Excuse me. I know you didn't vote for me,

but the other doctors left an hour ago,

the cleaning crew's here,

and I know you like to squeeze in as many patients

as you can in a day, but I have a life.

I can't believe you didn't vote for her!

All right, I want you to put your fingers in your ears,

I count to three, you blow,

we'll get that jellybean right out of there.

All right, here we go.

One, two...

Agh!

Jesus Christ!

Son of a bitch!

Amanda?

Do you know both mutts are under the perennial sunlight bulb,

the ugly and the depressive?

I don't know why we didn't get a lab or something with papers.

Speaking of depression,

did your mother call and make you feel

small and worthless all over again?

Amanda?

Amanda?

Here. Breathe into this.

- My heart! - Your heart's fine.

You're having a panic attack. Breathe into the bag.

Mom told me this might happen, like when you got audited.

What's with your eye?

She's leaving me!

I know.

We had a long talk.

It was a tough decision.

She's been writing the letter for a month.

She started thinking about me being gone,

just you, her, alone, the house.

She started crying all the time.

You thought it was allergies.

She was going to stick around until I left for Skidmore,

but she was so freaked that I told her

I'd understand if she split now.

You're the only one who didn't notice.

The dogs hardly eat anymore.

She won't answer her cell.

How do you know?

Because she wants time to herself.

Where is she?

You know where she is, don't you?

Tell me where she is!

I said that I wouldn't.

- Were you raised by wolves? - Would you chill?

Chill?

- Where is she? - Gloria Amerantz's.

Shit!

Oh!

That woman hates me.

Ever since I told her she looked good pregnant

and it was just fat!

Where the hell are my car keys?

You don't want to do this.

If she calls while I'm gone, tell her I'm on my way.

Oh! Bollocks!

- Where is she? - Go home!

Get off my property!

- Amanda! - Get out of here!

Ah!

Bastard!

Get out!

She doesn't want to talk to you, you creep!

Let me in!

Let me in!

Uh!

So, what'd she say exactly?

Well, she said she had some new things

she wanted to learn.

Cello, prime numbers...

Didn't want to die off while she was still alive,

whatever that means.

Wanted to go to Machu Picchu, this holy rain forest in Peru.

Needed time to reassess.

I said fine, I'd give her the night off to ponder.

Maybe take her for a Peruvian lunch somewhere.

Couscous.

I think she'll love it. What do you think?

I think it's going to take more than a plant.

Oh, it's not just a plant. It's a bonsai.

The lady in the store said it's the--

transmuted and the transcendent in one container,

which I think fits right in with the holy rain forest thing.

What a surprise.

I told you I'd be back today.

This is for you.

What a nice little ugly highway plant.

Now, Gloria, come on.

That's a beautiful juniper cutting.

Actually, it's a bonsai.

The transmuted and transcendent in one container.

It certainly is.

Yeah, transcendent 'cause its roots aren't planted in the soil,

and transmuted from a greater tree,

and yet still sufficient unto itself.

You see the triangular pattern right there?

That triangle represents

the three basic virtues necessary to create a bonsai.

Truth, goodness and beauty.

Curtis owns the nursery where I buy my plants.

This is my husband, Ben.

A real pleasure to meet you, Ben.

Curtis and your wife are doing my backyard

because your wife

refuses to be a guest here without contributing something,

and Curtis refuses to allow her to do it by herself,

because he is a mensch,

and because he's a genius when it comes to greenery.

Come on, show me where you want the bride roses, huh?

He talks like a rodeo rider.

He's a horticulturist from the South.

- I don't like him. - You don't have to like him.

He's my friend.

And I need all the friends I can get right now.

They should be about this high and in the back.

Look, I know about Dr. Edelbaum.

Whatever it is with you and your mother,

I can see you through.

My mother's insane, too, as you know.

She just never cut up my clothes because I was thinner than her.

Did you read my letter, Ben?

Yes, I did, and I understand.

Justin gone,

no longer a mom,

mostly a wife, a woman.

Look, if you want to have a little work done,

there's a guy on the same floor as me.

We can get a discount.

Lower lids, upper lids, whatever you want.

I'm not coming home with you, Ben.

Oh, God!

- That stuff stinks. - Well, it is shit.

You know, being a landscape artist is like painting with nature.

With very stinky brushes.

But, in the end, you do get to smell a rose.

I keep thinking that, if I hope hard enough, he'll be there.

You know, like he used to be.

But I--I can't... I can't let myself do that.

I can't keep hoping.

He told me to get my eyes done.

Ooh!

Oh.

Are you sure you're going to be okay?

Yes, and so will he.

Think so?

He always is.

Dude, Dad.

You got to eat.

Your mother and I fell in love to that song.

She's leaving me for a handyman.

He owns a nursery.

And they're just friends, I think.

You know him?

I met him a few times when I visited her at the nursery.

How could you not tell me, my own flesh and blood?

Look, it's not my fault that you didn't see this coming.

You got to get out of bed --there's nothing wrong with you, dude.

Chronic fatigue syndrome is a very serious ailment, dude.

You don't have chronic fatigue syndrome.

You became a doctor while I was in the bathroom?

I googled it.

If you have it, you got to have...

tender lymph nodes, muscle pain, multi-joint pain,

severe loss of short-term memory, headaches.

I have all of that.

'Cause you're sucking down a huge amount of alcohol.

Know what this is?

Liquor.

This is Sloe Gin Fizz.

Know what your mother told me back in the day?

This is the drink that Scott Fitzgerald drank himself to death on.

He was her favorite writer, Gatsby was her favorite character,

and I was her favorite guy, yes, siree.

Now she looks at me like I'm a stranger.

I don't know who I am anymore.

That's very deep.

It is?

You think you could tell her that I'm deep?

She... She listens to you.

I'll give it a shot, but try to lay off the booze, okay?

Do you mind?

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I in your way?

Hi, Dr. Bingham.

I'll call you back.

Hey, Doc.

Whoa.

He looks, like, totally wasted.

He is totally wasted.

Why is he wearing a scarf?

It's my mom's. He likes breathing it.

Sadness.

How long has he been in pajamas?

Too long.

Where are the stairs?

Behind you, Dad.

Aha.

See, you're the green, and you're the Master Chief,

and you want to kill all the aliens and zombies.

But we're at level 15,

so maybe you should start at the tutorial, yeah?

Dude, check this out! He's awesome!

Dude, he couldn't find the stairs.

Maybe we should take him with us.

To the party?

We could put him in a room, and maybe they have a game

he could play there.

What are you on?

I think I should stay with him.

What do you think he's going to do, invite a bunch of doctors over, and--

rent a keg and trash the place?

Dad?

We're going to go out. I don't want you driving.

You want to go somewhere, call a cab, okay?

- Bye, Dr. Bingham. - Bye, Doc.

Feel better.

- Morning. - Morning.

Dad?

Dude!

What are you doing?

I've destroyed all the aliens and the zombies.

There's nothing left to destroy, so I'm going for my personal best.

How much coffee have you had?

Lots. Lots of coffee.

Your mother and I used to drink a lot of coffee together.

Drip coffee. I'd make her a cup.

She'd make me a cup.

I'd make... kiss it good-bye, piece-of-shit wanker,

pissant toe-rag! Yeah!

What are you doing?

You want to get mom back?

I can get her back?

Not if you're pathetic and insane.

I've got two million points. How can I be pathetic?

You think I'm pathetic? I mean, noticeably?

Sometimes you got to work things from the outside in, okay?

Mom is this incredibly gorgeous woman,

if you really look at her.

I look at her!

I looked at her all of the time.

But did you see her?

Here's the deal.

Take the peacock.

I bet you think the one with the amazing feathers

is the chick, but it's the guy.

The male peacock spreads its tail to attract the female.

The more intense his feathers, the better he does.

Know what I mean?

No.

You want to stay out here all day?

Yes.

Fine.

Come on. You're dying on me here, man.

I need lunch!

What did you used to press, back in the day?

I didn't press. I was in medical school.

Then how'd you get an upper body?

I was born with it.

I had a lower one and the upper one came with it.

I can't do this anymore.

Okay, well, let's at least do something about your hair.

Would you stop?

For $285, I think I can touch my hair.

That's including products.

You really think I'm going to wash my hair with bee pollen,

use ylang-ylang mousse for volume?

I can't believe I'm letting you do this to me.

How do you feel about your clothes?

I feel like I'm wearing clothes.

You think your clothes go with your hair?

No, thank the Lord.

Who wears this? Spies?

No one in our neighborhood wears this color.

Black isn't a color. It's the absence of color.

- I look like an undertaker. - You look good.

I look stupid.

Because you don't know what good is, so you think you look stupid.

Hey!

Yo!

It's very noisy in here.

Come say hi.

Last time they saw you, you were wearing mom's scarves.

Come on.

Major improvement, Dr. B.

Your hair is astounding!

Oh, I love the outfit.

Cut it out.

Dude, you're slammin'.

Thank you. I assume that's a good thing.

So I guess I'll be on my way.

No, no. Hang for a minute.

Yeah, come. Hey, can I borrow this?

Well, maybe for a minute.

Hey.

- Hey. - Where you been?

Around.

Call me, okay?

- Hey. - Hey.

Miss you.

I bet you didn't know your son was so popular.

They're just friends.

They're not just friends. They're special kind of friends.

Can we order, please?

Some Cokes, guac.

You want a beer or something?

Only if you have your I.D. on you.

Excuse me?

I just need to make sure that you're over 21.

Well, of course I am. I'm way over.

Okay.

I'll take your word for it.

I'll be right back.

I think she's into you, Dr. B.

Oh, please. I happen to be married.

My dad's married.

He dates.

Did you get my text?

Yeah, I think I did.

I'll be on my cell.

Cool.

You certainly seem to have a lot of special friends.

You can't have too many friends with benefits.

I have, like, zero.

'Cause you exude zero.

What's that supposed to mean?

What does "benefits" mean?

You...

probably call it sex.

What?

Benefits.

And so would we, 'cause that's what it is.

This is so not happening.

Not that we're friends with benefits.

You never want to hook up with people

from the same school.

Because If you do it too much, you kind of get a bad profile.

What is wrong with you?

How many friends with benefits do you have exactly?

Oh, my God.

Check this out, the waitress gave you her number.

She wants you to call her.

Please, I know nothing about her.

You should invite her to the party we're going to.

What?

He's cool, dude.

He's my father, "dude."

Now suppose I know what you do 'til 5.30 in the morning

with your friends.

Benefiting.

I'll talk to you later.

What about your beer?

Oh, another time.

Thank you. Thank you anyway.

Ah, you're very courteous.

I love that in a man.

Come back.

I'll wait on you anytime, okay?

Sure. Cool.

Later.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, he works downtown.

I can give you his name if you'd like.

Oh, yeah.

I'd like it. I think he's a genius.

Hi.

Dr. Lisa Levanthorp, Neurosurgery.

We met at the raffle last year.

Of course.

So...

do you know what I think when I look at you?

Messy eater?

No. Mensa material.

Try this on for size-- Jack and Phoebe,

they're in a car.

They're traveling at 50 miles an hour, heading south.

A train is going at 80 miles an hour heading due east.

Who is Jack's brother-in-law?

Just jesting.

Uh, so, would you like

to attend a Mensa social with me next Thursday?

It's a buffet. All you can think.

Oh, don't be shy.

The whole world knows you're separated.

Hello.

Is she there?

Yes, she's here. We're cooking dinner.

And we have a guest.

Thank you.

What is it, Ben?

Someone told me we're separated.

I know it's a small town, but I don't remember agreeing

to any kind of... Anyway, who's the guest?

None of your business.

Excuse me, I think it is my business.

It's Curtis.

Really?

Why are you cooking him dinner?

He's cooking me dinner.

Amanda?

Rollerblades!

No!

Why can't we just have one conversation...?

Can we stop talking about this?

I'd appreciate it if you could be a little bit quieter

and respect the fact that other people live here.

What's up, Dad?

What's up is I'd like someone to make me dinner, cook for me,

care for me and make sure I'm fed.

All right, you can have some of my Big Mac,

some of your Filet-O-Fish,

your Popeyes Popcorn Shrimp and...

some McFlurry for later.

That's disgusting.

Ugh!

Does anyone hear that but me?

Hey.

I brought us some fresh, raw yellowtail,

Toro, freshwater eel.

And I make my own wasabi, and I pickle my own ginger.

I'm a double sushi freak.

Who are you?

It's me, silly.

Looking good, Darlene.

You kids have fun.

Way to go, Dr. B.

Okay. Bye.

Wait.

Where are you going?

Why don't I just get started?

Lucky she showed, huh, you being so hungry and all.

Look, if Mom's into the horticulturist...

Christ, does the whole world know he's making her dinner?

Well, if he is, you have the right to have sushi with your nurse.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that...

I want you to be happy.

Oh, thank you.

And I think it would be a good idea

if you were with more than one woman before you die.

Hold on.

How can you be talking to me like this?

You have the whole house to yourself.

I'll be out until late.

Really late.

So enjoy and... Be safe.

It's 'cause I grew up with my 13-year-old daughter.

After her father split, she and I did everything together.

I always dug her style.

And you thought I was just some boring old nurse.

Well, I hope you're a nurse.

I have let you administer anesthetics, after all.

Uh... No, thanks.

I don't drink warm liquor.

It's made out of rice. It's good for you.

I'll take a pass.

And, uh, as for the raw fish,

call me crazy, but--

when I look at it, I think, "turn on the grill."

Do you have a CD player?

Uh, in the living room.

Be right back.

Aren't they amazing? I'm a total hip hop freak.

This sake doesn't taste like much.

- So you like it? - I don't know.

It's... It's like drinking hot tea without the tea flavor.

Here, try this. They go together.

Ooh!

Chew!

Oh!

Have more of this.

Ew!

Ugh!

So sorry.

Are you okay in there?

Yes, fine. Why?

Have I been in here a long time?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, don't leave me hanging here.

You got to get into it.

- Bounce it! Bounce it! - There you go.

Get down!

Get down! Down!

Shake it! Make it bounce!

Yeah!

Oh!

- So where are you from? - Des Moines.

Interesting.

How did you get to Long Island?

Train.

What a sweet little chortle. Do it again.

I can't just chortle like that.

Yeah, you can.

It's not fair.

Oh, Lord. We go to the same school.

We can't do this.

Uh.

Morning.

Sorry about the mess.

We made a lot of sushi, which has a way

of slipping through your hands.

And that wasabi can really blind you so that you can't even see

the kind of mess that you're making.

Dad, I'm glad you had a good time.

I didn't have a good time.

Then why do you have glitter in your hair?

Christ!

It isn't easy being your role model.

It never would've happened,

except she said sake was good for me,

because it was made out of rice, and she is my nurse, after all.

Oh, my God.

Do you think she forgot an earring?

Tell her I went to the store.

Dad, open the door.

- I can't -- - I don't know what to say to her when it's daylight.

- You want me to open the door? - Yes!

Okay, I'm going to open it, but you got to think of something to say

that won't make her feel embarrassed or dumb for coming back, okay?

Okay.

Hello.

Nice to see you again.

Uh, I must admit, I don't remember much

of what transpired last night, but...

Oh...

Dad, it's Mom, of all people.

Oh, hi. What a surprise.

Pardon the mess.

Two guys on their own, some things get messy.

Down. Sit.

Stay.

Heel.

Shoo!

Shoo! Shoo!

Actually, I came by to ask if I could borrow one of them.

I miss them.

What about yours truly? Miss me?

What happened to your hair?

New cut. You like it?

It's different.

What is that?

What?

On your neck.

My neck?

What a terrible smudge.

Nasty bruise.

Looks like some kind of toothed spider thing.

Maybe while I was clearing out the debris behind the garage.

Or paint cans. Fiberboard.

It's all right, Ben.

It is? What's all right?

I'm cool.

Curtis and I...

are more than friends now.

Don't tell me. With benefits.

Are there benefits involved? How could you?

I'm going to take Sherman.

Who?

The dog. The depressive.

I'm way more depressed than the dog and so will you be,

when you realize what you've done to us.

Oh, Benny.

I love when you call me that.

It is obvious that we have raised a great kid.

Obviously.

And now it is time for both of us to have

the experience of being with other people, finally.

Listen to me.

People from the South marry their cousins.

He could have a contagious genetic thing for all you know.

Mutant saliva.

For your information, this wasn't just any old spider.

It was my nurse.

I have her on record somewhere.

I could look her up if I wanted to, find out if she's a felon.

- Dad. - What?

Chill.

I can't. I don't know how to. I don't know what it means!

And so you know, I was trying to be a peacock for you.

I have new feathers and everything.

And you're throwing it over for a guy

who knows what kind of daisy goes with a peeny?

Peony.

Good-bye, Ben.

I'll talk to you soon, honey.

See you, Mom.

Normal.

I'm burning up.

Look, think of mom as...

The bigs.

The Yankees, okay?

And so she's doing some new infielding right now.

So, maybe if you spent some time

in the minors brushing up on your reflexes,

you'll be the number one pick for the bigs next season.

What are you talking about?

Look what I found online.

Karaoke Kim's?

It's '80s night. Isn't that great?

Come on, would you rather listen

to "Heaven and Earth" here or at Karaoke Kim's?

- "Heaven is a place on Earth." - See?

All the other people there will know that, too.

You'll have a lot in common.

So...

You want to wear your brushed cotton or your linen?

Hmm.

You ready to go in?

No.

What's the worst that can happen in there?

I'll sweat. My jacket'll get ruined.

I want a frozen yogurt.

The worst that can happen is you'll get rejected.

But rejection isn't death.

Even though it feels like it, it's... just rejection.

"Rejection isn't death."

Hey.

Hey.

This is where we're going to hang?

It's for my dad.

Dad, this is Layla.

They named her after some old song,

maybe you'll get to sing tonight.

"Layla's" from the '70s, not the '80s,

though it really is timeless.

I would never sing it. It's...

It's all about the riffs.

I'm surprised you didn't know that.

Rejection isn't death, is it?

That's it, come on.

Rejection isn't death.

Rejection isn't death.

Yeah!

God, he's good!

Stunning.

I have got to get out of here.

Shh! Show a little respect, please.

What is wrong with him?

Nothing.

They were giving me a lift home,

but they wanted to stop and show me their twin things.

Then they got out some wine.

And now they want to sandwich dance.

Like they're the bread, and I'm the sliced turkey in the middle.

Do you know how many guys fantasize about being in exactly

the same situation you're in?

No.

Try every guy whose balls have dropped.

Hey.

Remember when you told me to go out for soccer,

you said even if I liked it for one minute,

that's one minute more than if I'd never tried at all.

I said that?

And what happened?

You made the team.

I made Captain.

Try it for a minute. If you don't like it,

call me, and I'll come get you.

You promise?

Promise.

So even though we're identical, we have these things...

Which tell us apart. Like, she has...

this trident tattoo right here.

Because she's into Neptune and the sea,

you know, Norse kind of things.

And she has...

this infinity symbol.

'Cause it's her lucky number.

So, Ben, what are your distinguishing marks?

Oh, I... I don't have any.

Oh, come on. Everyone's got something.

- Let's look. - Let's Look.

Hi.

Hi.

Dr. Bingham.

"Ben" is fine.

So if I go month by month, does that work out cheaper

than buying a whole series of classes?

I see thousands of doctors.

Really?

So if I don't use the towels, do you drop the $50 charge?

I'm not sick, or anything, it's just I believe in early detection.

Knock wood, and I adore the medical sciences.

Plus, you know Jewish parents.

Their first question is, "Is he a doctor, is he a lawyer?"

Between you and me, I hate lawyers.

Me, too.

Isn't that wonderful? I loathe them.

- When do we start? - I think we already have.

We have?

Yeah.

Wonderful opera singer.

Never thought she'd sing again.

I located and removed the nodule.

She still sends me Christmas cards.

That's fabulous.

Ahhh!

Drug use.

Lost his sense of smell.

I went in, repaired the entire olfactory receptor system.

Wow!

Oh!

Ah!

Of course, I haven't done open-heart surgery,

but I have observed.

And I think if I found myself on a dark country road one night

and it was needed, I could pull it off.

That is amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just worked out with Hannah Rosenblum,

and I was wondering, could I get her on a regular basis?

Yeah.

Thank you.

I can't believe your dad actually got us tickets to The Arctic Monkeys.

Every time he stays out all night, he feels guilty.

I wish my dad felt guilty.

I'd have, like, a private jet or something.

How can he be dating his nurse? Isn't there an ethical thing?

She got a job in a urologist's office so they can date.

Hey, did he ever tell you about what it's like with the twins?

You don't really think he'd let me in on that?

Maybe he'd let us in on that.

All I know is they own a catering business

specializing in hors d'oeuvres.

Like a sex thing?

Like a tiny food thing.

We have a whole fridge of it.

And your mom has got the gardener guy,

so, basically, they're like my parents now.

And mine, except they don't know it.

I hate tiny food.

Yah!

Body karate!

She's pretty smoking, huh?

She's okay.

Um, may I?

Thank you.

15 bucks tip?

15.50.

Give them 16, and we'll get free mints.

You guys go. I'll catch a train later.

Dude, Arctic Monkeys!

Can we sell your ticket?

Can I have an autograph?

You were amazing.

So, what was she like?

So, what happened?

So was it, like, unbelievable?

You know, being cool is cool, and then when you're, like, too cool,

it's really not cool anymore.

Or is what you're saying what happened is, like,

too cool for me to ask?

Okay, fine. I won't ask.

I don't have to ask. I don't even care.

Was it like an inner body thing or an outer?

Were there bodies involved?

Later.

Were there just looks and stuff?

Hey!

Hey. Dr. B, you want to rack up some points?

- I'm really in a hurry, but... - Come on.

Yeah! Okay.

Your nurse called to remind you about meeting her for sushi.

Tonight?

That's what she said.

But I'm having dinner with a devout Jewish woman.

It's her Sabbath, and we're having Matzo.

Just have an early dinner with her.

And late dinner with the sushi freak.

- Is that legal? - Yeah.

Doc, when you're in demand, that's the way it goes down.

Hey, that's a rockin' cap.

Oh, my God.

My, uh...

My stylist said it would, uh, wash out over time.

Well, it looks radical.

- Spectacular. - It's amazing.

You think so?

Yeah.

It's like who you were meant to be.

Wow!

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Wow!

- Yeah. - Wow!

You think this goes?

I mean, is it okay for an early and a late dinner?

I don't have to get changed in between, do I?

Why am I having so much fun?

You have a lot of people liking you, you're popular.

Just like someone else I know.

I met someone. A girl.

Well, that doesn't surprise me.

Oh, she's...

- Different. - Cool.

Keeps things interesting, right?

I have got to shower.

Oh, could I borrow your Urbantrack Sketchers?

I don't feel right in my Florsheims.

I think we're the same size, aren't we?

Oh!

Have I thanked you for helping me become radical,

spectacular and amazing?

Well, thank you.

Again and again, thank you.

Baruch atah adonai.

Barush atad noise.

Yeah!

Elohaynu melekh ha'olam.

Alahanu malesh alhem.

Kampai!

Kampai, kampai!

Yaah!

Melekh ha'olam borei, peri ha'etz.

Halem minge and collarettes.

Amein.

Amen.

Pull.

Oh!

Don't eat it 'cause of the carbs, but...

smell it.

Oh!

Oh!

I was wondering if you would autograph this for me?

Um, yes, of... Of course.

Thank you. Thank you for asking.

Well, I admire your dancing greatly.

And I was wondering if you would care

to have dinner with me or dine with me sometime?

Uh, we all go eat now. You may come if you like.

I like, yes. That would be wonderful.

That would be... really great.

They are discussing the performance tonight.

The mistakes.

I thought it went very well.

That's because you don't know nothing about the ballet.

Well, maybe not. Not a whole lot, anyway.

You know, Valeriya has a boyfriend in her hometown.

They are engaged.

You will never succeed with her.

I've been in love with her for years.

She thinks only of Fyodor.

I was wondering if you'd care to have coffee tomorrow.

Tea, snack.

I have class.

Well, after class.

I have another class.

I'm sorry.

Okay, fine. I understand.

Some other time.

Hi.

Hey. Hi.

Nice outfit.

They're jeans.

They're nice.

Stylish.

Thanks.

You're blond.

Shall we let them go?

Why not?

Come on, Lester.

There you go.

Shall we sit?

Yeah.

So, Justin called and told me what he was going through.

And I...

I wanted you and I to discuss it in person.

Discuss what?

Ben, he's in love.

Who's he in love with?

A ballerina.

- Oh, I don't think so. - Why don't you think so?

Well, because he would've told me.

And he doesn't know any ballerinas.

He met her in the city.

She's a Russian, and he's crazy about her.

I want him to be able to share this with you.

I guess he didn't feel you'd be very empathetic,

what with your new lifestyle and all.

Lester! Jesus.

Lester!

what lifestyle?

Oh, please!

Ben, you're sleeping with your nurse, a gymnast and twins.

It's a small town.

I hate this town, and she's a trainer, not a gymnast.

Lester, come back here!

Amanda, I know it's unfair.

But I'm just the same as a million other guys.

For God's sake, Lester!

I mean, look at him -- he's been neutered.

He's humping everything in sight.

Well, I haven't been neutered.

And the midlife thing is different for me than you.

You have eggs that dry up.

I have a kind of longevity that lasts forever,

biology's inexplicable gift.

Sad but true.

There's nothing I can do about it.

I think we should sell the house.

It's a family house, which certainly doesn't pertain anymore.

Forget about alimony.

I don't want to be beholden to you for anything.

Sherman!

What are you saying? You saying we're getting divorced?

Sherman!

I'm only playing in the minors so I can be smashing in the bigs.

And you're the bigs, Amanda.

You're the bigs. Amanda...!

Aaah!

For Christ's sakes.

Give it a rest, will you?

Amanda! Amanda!

Son?

Uh, Sally can't sell the house without seeing all the rooms.

I know it's a bad time for you, for all of us.

I have a closing in 20 minutes.

Your Mom told me about the Russian ballerina.

All I can say is, love can be like that,

give you a headache, make you nauseous,

feel like you have a fatal disease,

but that's no reason to not have breakfast.

Leave me alone.

Maybe I should come back on Monday.

Yeah.

Nice try, Dr. B.

I don't know where my mind is.

Do you want to just take a free one?

Oh, no. Fair and square.

Want some fudge? I made it myself.

Oh, thanks anyway, I'm trying to stay away from sweets.

Hey, it's really good.

Maybe he doesn't want any.

Don't be a drag.

All right, all right, just one piece.

Mm.

- Right? - Very good.

- May I? - Sure, yeah.

I just think, as his friends, it would be easier

if you tried to get him out of his room.

Love's weird, dude.

Dr. B.

You can call me "dude."

Anyways, he won't talk to us about it.

It's like throwing a ball against a curtain.

Excuse me?

It doesn't bounce back.

I'm supposed to be somewhere.

The twins?

It's okay. We know.

Really?

Well, matter of fact, it was one of them.

The other one?

No. Someone else.

You're the man, dude!

You're the man!

Aaaah! Aaaah!

We're closed.

Why is it so weird to be in love with someone?

What's your issue?

Tell him.

Tell me what?

She's in love with David Schatz.

Who?

I hate you!

No, you don't. It's the fudge.

Yeah, you two always get all emo on pot.

Who's David Schatz?

With the band.

Garage band?

No, the marching band.

Pot?

Wait. Like the drummer guy?

Like the glockenspiel guy.

Huh?

It's really hard to play it and march at the same time.

He doesn't even know I'm alive.

Sadness.

Pot.

Pot fudge.

- You really should have told him. - He's cool.

Right?

You feel a buzz?

I feel like my head's really far away from my feet.

Far out.

Really far out.

Like a mile.

I'm sorry you're in pain.

- It's okay. - No, it's not.

I'm getting divorced. I'm in pain, too.

I'm in a great deal of pain.

It's just the fudge.

No, it's the pain. It's a painful time.

My son's in pain.

We're all in pain, except my wife, which is very painful.

Unless...

she is in pain, but she's not showing it.

Oh, she's probably in pain.

I hope so.

Yeah.

You've got to work with me here.

That attic could be a rec room, an extra kid's room.

Get rid of the junk by Tuesday. I'm having an open house.

Uggh!

Hey, what are you doing?

She saved my jockstrap from college.

She used to wear it on her head to make me laugh.

She knew me so well.

She made our costumes every Halloween.

We went as a right shoe, a left shoe.

I was a ham once, she was the Swiss cheese.

Our honeymoon in the Caymans, there was a hurricane.

We stayed inside, we put on all our diving equipment

and went diving for each other.

All the toys you ever had.

Animals with horns scared you, so she bought this moose headband

and wore it around the house.

She didn't want you to be afraid of anything.

She saved every birthday card, every anniversary card.

She saved it all.

Every little piece of our lives.

Our whole lives together.

I've lost my life.

Your range is fantastic, and the endurance is...

It's better than good. It's great.

It's great endurance.

Sorry. I don't mean to interrupt you.

I just wanted to tell you that I've given up my membership.

I'm going to start riding a real bike outside.

Well, this is Dr. Sy Frieman.

He's one of the top orthopedic surgeons in the country.

The Sultan of Brunei flew him over to repair his lumbar disc.

You can leave your locker key at the front desk, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

I'm so proud of you.

Excuse me. I just... I get a little excited.

Mmm. Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh.

Hi!

Katsu's making us a whole Tuna Tataki platter.

What's this?

What the hell?

Asshole!

Please, let's not make this ugly.

Oh, not make it ugly?

Well, then, screw you.

I don't want your dumb, lame, stupid-ass good-bye gifts.

Who are you leaving me for? Don't lie to me.

- Who is she? - My wife.

Your wife?

Really?

You are so...

boring!

Thank you. I appreciate that.

And thank you for everything, uh...

Uh, sorry for the, uh...

In any case, uh...

Sayonara.

- Hey! - Hi, Dr. B.

Where are you going?

My stepsister's having a barbecue.

We thought it was time he got out.

Wait, hold up. You can't go to a barbecue.

I'll see you later.

Wait a minute! What about the ballerina?

I want to get over it, okay?

I'm bummed of--

I've been bummed ever since I saw her.

I don't want a fatal disease. It's not freaking worth it.

Yes, it is. Listen to me.

Fatal diseases can put you in touch

with very big things,

how precious every single moment can be,

how never to throw it away on things that don't matter.

You know about peacocks, and early and late dinners.

I know about love.

You're getting divorced, Dad.

Do you have to go there? Come on, give me a chance.

Dude? Dudettes? Help me out here.

There'll always be a barbecue, right?

Number one, you have to enter her world.

Big Russian ballet.

Big Russian guy.

Tchaikovsky. "Swan Lake."

What happens is Prince Siegfried falls in love with a princess

who was turned into a swan by an evil sorcerer.

Siegfried meets another swan who he thinks is the first swan,

says he'll marry her,

realizes he's made a big mistake,

and he and the first swan

jump into the lake and commit suicide.

These chicks have, like, no tits.

Okay, extend one leg.

Bring it back. Extend the other one.

Now, do it fast.

Okay, try it again. It's all about balance, okay?

Watch.

Extend one leg.

Extend the other.

Now, fast.

Agh!

Agh!

- What? What? - My groin!

I pulled the groin area, I think.

Get--

Get me ice!

Yeah, yeah. We're on it.

Thanks for your sympathy.

Maybe ice isn't the best thing for a groin.

My testicles are numb and very tiny.

You know, all this stuff's a little insane.

Dying swans, leg kicks.

She's going to appreciate the effort.

And when all else fails,

you do this.

What is that?

You take your two fingers,

run them slowly down the side of her face--try it.

Like this.

Slowly.

Delicately.

Like she's a wounded pigeon.

Good.

Now...

there's a look you have to give her.

What is that?

A look.

A look that says she's the answer to every riddle, all your questions.

- What questions? - Think of some.

No.

It has to be really important questions.

Questions you can't even put into words, like...

"Ah, ble-ble-ble, ah, ble-ble..."

And the look has to be a look you're amazed at yourself to be giving

because you've never given it to anyone but her.

You look like you're out of your mind.

Not to a woman.

Watch.

This is how the whole thing goes when you've perfected it.

I don't think you have it.

Oh, I think he has it.

Thanks for...

whatever.

Promise me you'll practice in your room.

First of all, uh...

Kak delia?

Uh... Horoso?

It's me, the... The American.

And... And... And second...

I got your number from the theater.

And third...

Would you like, by any chance, to...

see me...

later?

Okay, it's, um... "kak dela".

And, um...

Horosho.

And, yes, um...

Okay.

All right. After performance?

That's great.

So...

So I'll see you...

Later.

After.

Do svidiniya.

Do svidaniya.

Yes.

Would you please take that off?

I want her to see me in it.

Ben, she's going to think you're a moron.

How do you like the chocolates?

They're okay.

You know, I used to weigh 120 pounds.

Ralph drove me to obesity.

Oh, please.

You're full-figured.

Like those paintings of women with pink skin and fruit.

- Fertility goddesses. - Exactly.

I know, you're trying to get on my good side.

I swear to you, if you help me,

you'll feel like that person who picks up

that red phone at the last minute and says,

"Dang it all, let him live. It's New Year's."

Okay.

Come by later for drinks.

And bring some Chateau St. Jean Cabernet.

It's 90 bucks a bottle, but it is worth it.

Get three.

And some pate en croute and vacherin fondue with potatoes.

I'm on it.

Okay.

And, uh...

When you give this to her, don't forget to tell her...

That there's a whole attic where this came from.

I know, I know. Go.

And pick up a few loaves of olive bread while you're at it, and some...

chocolate mousse with creme fraiche.

You know, for later.

I will do.

What's up?

I have plans for later.

So do I.

You can't go on your first date looking like that.

What's wrong with how I look?

You can't be serious.

How am I supposed to look?

Stop it. It's fine.

It's tight.

It's supposed to be tight.

You really wore this sort of thing back in the day?

She thought I looked like Gatsby.

Handsome, romantic, suave, debonair.

I feel like I'm five years old.

Good.

Humble is good.

You look great.

- You know, I really should be... - No, you shouldn't.

Yes, he should. I mean, if he wants to.

Or stay.

Have a cracker.

Yes, everybody eat, enjoy.

Ben...

I'm fine not selling the house.

It's where Justin grew up, you should keep it.

Maybe one day you'll find someone new to share it with.

How can you say that?

You know how long it takes to get a past going with a person?

You pick someone new, you have start all over again.

Like--

Dad.

Justin?

My heart, it's... I can't...

- Calm down. - What -- - What is it?

Nothing, he's fine. He thinks he's having a heart attack.

What?

She loved the flowers, my tie, said okay to dinner.

She's saying good-bye to her friends to be with me alone.

I can't breathe.

I'm seriously unable to breathe.

Dude, I need a paper bag.

Listen to me.

You're going to be fine.

Beginnings are full of heart attacks, and endings.

But the middle,

when you get to know everything about her,

how scared she is of squirrels and hates parades

and loves Handel's "Messiah",

is ashamed of her crooked toes

and saw you through a very bad night when you felt

you should've been a doctor doing something that mattered.

And how she had the patience,

when you got trapped by the trappings,

hoping you'd come around and see the light,

and when you didn't, felt so lonely,

she had no choice but to leave you in the dust

and do something beautiful with her life

you didn't have the brains to appreciate

and when you went off and became a profligate idiot,

she was still a one-man woman, even though it's the wrong man.

And maybe if God is good, and you spend the rest of your life

trying to make it up to her, she'll give you another chance

because once upon a time, she knew you were worth it.

I don't know what you're talking about,

and here she comes, and thanks for nothing.

I think it's best you have yourself to yourself for now.

I won't be far.

Please, you don't have to leave.

Yes, he does. He just said so. Don't contradict him.

Ben. Go home.

You don't mean that.

Do you?

I have one...

One sister.

Yes, and, uh...

Brother, big.

Two... Big brothers.

- Bro... Brothers. - Okay. Two big brothers.

All right.

Excuse me.

What?

How are you doing?

I'm good. Everything's good. I got to go now.

Wait.

What is it?

Just don't forget to imprint this memory in your brain

so you can feed off it when you're not feeling

as great as you are now.

Sure thing. Bye.

Sorry.

Hey, hey. What's happening?

You're a very compromised man.

I don't respect you.

I don't like you.

I'm deciding not to meddle,

'cause I know y'all ain't done with each other yet.

And to be honest with you, I don't have a taste for this.

Nice.

Very noble.

For the record, I didn't like you either.

And if you think I'm ever going to forgive you

for knowing what the inside of her thighs look like,

you're a real bayou bohunk.

Hello?

I was just thinking, the night's awfully young.

Don't do this.

Okay.

Get in your car.

Okay.

Uh, how is she?

Good night, Ben.

Hungry?

I could eat.

I couldn't even chew in front of her.

Chewing can look bad when you're trying to look good.

She ate her whole salad, chicken, string beans.

- Wasn't afraid of chewing. - Wasn't afraid of anything.

I couldn't have eaten a breadcrumb if I'd wanted to.

- Nauseous? - Completely.

Me, too.

Do you have a headache?

Pounding. You?

Sledgehammer.

Kind of relaxing not to have to say brilliant things every minute.

Try saying, "It's nice to see you" in Russian.

- You learned that? - I thought I had.

But she told me I said, "It's nice to raincoat."

At least you didn't say, "It's nice to underwear."

Thing is...

It was kind of worth it.

Like you said,

feeling like you have a fatal disease and life is really...

Unbearable?

Yeah, and amazing at the same time.

Love.

Fucking love.

I'm so glad you're coming.

Justin wanted me to see her dance.

What are you wearing?

Why are you both in penguin suits?

It's closing night. It's a bit of a gala type thing.

Shoot!

I have to go back and change.

There's no time.

I think there's something here that you can wear.

Something you may have forgotten that you have.

I went through everything. I found this.

It's your eloping dress.

Oh, come on.

You really think I'm going to fit into something I wore 20 years ago?

I guess it fits.

May I have the pleasure?

Sorry.

Goodness, I... seem to be all left feet.

You always were.

I've been looking all over for you.

What is it?

Oh, please, please, I want to understand.

Fyodor.

He wasn't here to see me dance.

Well, I was here.

I--I saw you.

You're not him.

So who am I?

What's that mean?

A nothing?

A nobody?

A jerk?

You're nice.

So, you know...

for future reference...

that has to be the worst word in the English language.

Ready to go?

What about...?

She's going back to her boyfriend Fyodor.

I don't know why. I thought she liked me.

Or maybe I'm not used to girls not liking me.

I feel like she did like me, though, a little.

Come here.

Let's go.

Good night.

I can't believe you let the hydrangeas go.

It's criminal.

I didn't have the wherewithal to water,

lift a hose, fill a can.

Stop.

What did you say to him?

I told him...

to have loved and lost isn't really better

than never to have loved at all, but that maybe,

unlike some of us, his heart would heal in time,

hopefully before his funeral.

Later.

- Where are you going? - Layla called.

She wants to hang.

So, your heart's healed?

It will. In time.

Love you, guys.

So...

How about replanting the hydrangeas?

Machu Picchu for a few months?

Learn the cello, some prime numbers?

How about a cup of coffee?

I don't know.

Come on. Know.

Don't look at me like that.

Better?

I have to get out of this dress.

What are you doing?

Amanda?

Remember me?