Original subtitles

Alright. I'll call you tomorrow.

Valeria, what are you doing? Have you gone crazy?

What is it? What have I done to you?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Valeria, what's the matter? What's got into you?

Alright! Enough is enough!

Ah!

Tell me what is she doing?

Damn woman!

What did I do?

You took four years of my life, that's what you did.

Four years you kept me on the hook

not telling me you were married!

Me, married? Who said so?

- Your wife! Your wife said so! - I'll get a divorce!

You've got a wife and children!

Don't you want to hear my side?

Your side? You miserable pig!

You were my life.

When you were away, I wrote to you

when you were here, I phoned

when you were sick, I even made promises to the Madonna.

- And you lied to me! - Ah..

I gave you everything I had, everything

everything, everything! My best years, my prime.

And the clothes I gave you, ties!

Even the one you're wearing!

And the money I gave you

that was going to buy a house for us

and you hand it to your wife

as if it was a paycheck I gave you!

- I'll pay it back. - Pay what back?

You son of a bitch, four years of my life

you're going to pay back, and tell me, how are you

going to pay them back, huh? How? You bastard!

- Don't swear, Valeria. - Why not? You ruined my life!

I don't want this. You gave it to me. Take it!

'You can keep it!'

- Are you hurt bad? - 'No.'

No? Alright. Here! And here!

Ah! Hang yourself with this!

[mellow music]

Four years we've been together

and it never occurred to you to mention

that there were any problems ahead of us.

You told me all about your uncle

the police sergeant, but not a word about your wife?

Not...not a word!

Four years of my life you took.

Four years of my life.

What do I do now?

[sobbing] What do I do all alone?

We made so many plans together.

Why did I have to meet you?

[crying] Damn you, you bastard!

What a fool I am.

What a fool I am.

Son of a bitch.

Listen, tell me something

what do you think an eyeball weighs?

- How should I know? - Never mind.

Let's have a drink.

(female #1) 'Valeria, is that you?'

Yes, yes, mama. It's me. It's me.

Who did you think it was, a thief?

What is there to steal around here?

'Do you realize what time it is?'

'Why are you getting in at this hour?'

(male #1) 'Quiet.'

(female #1) 'You know how your father'

'swears when you're late.'

- He swears when I'm early too. - 'Damn it, shut up.'

(female #1) 'Valeria, there's something to eat for you'

'in the kitchen, but don't forget to turn off the gas.'

Mm.

[chuckling] Meatballs.

How can your last meal be meatballs?

No. With gas, no.

Stinks too much.

♪ Anyone ♪

♪ It could have been ♪

♪ Anyone ♪

♪ That broke my heart ♪

♪ And you were ♪

♪ Anyone ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ But anyone ♪

♪ It could have been ♪

♪ Anyone ♪

♪ That loved me back ♪

♪ And hazard made you ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ Bound ♪

♪ Shall I know bound ♪

♪ When you go free ♪

♪ For ♪

♪ I love ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ Who loves me.. ♪♪

(male #2) 'Good evening. This is A Helping Hand.'

'No. Wait. Don't hang up.'

'Please, whoever you are, listen to me.'

'If you've dialed this number, it's because you need help'

'so tell me about it.'

'You know, you're not the only one who calls us'

'and then doesn't have the courage'

'to talk about his troubles, so tell me.'

'Alright. If you don't feel like talking, then I'll talk.'

'Just don't hang up, please. This is what we're here for.'

'Now, you're mad at everybody, aren't you?'

No, I'm not.

'Then it's someone in particular you're mad at?'

No. I'm not mad at anyone.

What are you getting at?

'Well, if I could help you in some way, my dear--'

I'm not your dear.

'I'm sorry. Forgive me.'

'Tell me, why did you call us?'

Because I don't want to go like this

without a word to anyone.

'Go where, signora? Or is it signorina?'

Signorina. Signorina.

'Ah. Somebody let you down. A man.'

I've already taken three pills.

I'm going to take-take 17 more and that's it.

I'll go to sleep forever.

I won't feel a thing.

'No, you won't feel a thing, signorina..'

'Uh, you didn't tell me your name.'

No, I didn't. I didn't.

'As you wish, but remember'

'that not feeling means not feeling anything'

'even the sun on your face, ever again.'

'Nothing could be worse than that'

'and nothing, even pain'

'can justify taking your own life.'

What do you know about it?

'What do you know about it, my dear?'

'Now, look'

'do you think that there aren't other people'

'who are suffering? That you're the only one--'

Other people don't have the guts to kill themselves, that's all.

'So you've got guts, have you?'

'But not enough to say hello on the phone'

'or to tell me your name?'

My name is Valeria.

It's a lovely name.

But about guts, Valeria..

...it isn't always such a good thing

to have, you know.

It isn't always something to be admired.

Murderers have courage too.

Let's see now..

He, uh, was already married, wasn't he?

How did you know?

Those things happen.

'It happened to you too?'

No, because I am a man.

'I know you're a man, but I meant, uh'

'if you had a wife, you have a wife?'

No, I don't have a wife.

'But-but if you did, you wouldn't lie about it'

'and make a fool of a poor girl, would you?'

No, and if I did, I'd be a pretty low type of person.

But tell me about yourself.

'What difference does it make?'

What do you do? Do you have a job?

'I did, but I quit it four years ago'

'when I met Maurizio.'

I was a singer in a pub group, The Dropouts.

'We worked dance halls on Sundays.'

'Then The Dropouts got drafted into the army'

'and the group broke up.'

[sighing] 'And besides, I was thinking'

'Maurizio and I are going to get married'

I've got some money in the bank

and instead, I was left with no job, no money

and no marriage.

'I understand, Valeria. I understand.'

'There are times in life when everything seems so black.'

- So without ho-- - Well, then, goodbye.

Wait, Valeria. Wait, please.

If my few words haven't convinced you

wait for another minute.

Just for one minute

listen to the voice of a girl

who was as desperate as you.

Who was going to do what you're thinking of doing.

Listen for a moment.

Where's the recording of that-that girl

the one that tried, the one that jumped off the bridge?

- Uh, an Louisa. - In the recorder.

Wait a minute.

(female #2) 'Suicides get all the time at this hour.'

'Suicides.'

- 'Tomorrow.' - Just a minute, huh?

'Try at 9:00. Mm-hm.'

(male #2 on recording) 'I'll tell you all about it.'

'I met this young man two months ago, although..'

(male #3 on recording) 'Helping Hand? Pfft!'

No, it's the wrong place.

[tape rewinding]

(female #3 on tape) 'My name is Louisa. I'm...average.'

'Last year my boyfriend Gino told me'

'"Louisa, it's all over between us.'

'I don't love you no more."'

'It was as if I had been hit by a truck.'

You're listening, aren't you?

[yawning] Oh, yes.

'For me, it was like the world came to an end'

'and I decided there was nothing else'

'for me to do but commit suicide.'

'So I walked to town and jumped off the bridge'

'into the river, but the water wasn't deep enough'

'and I only broke my leg.'

'Thirty-two days in the hospital'

'then I came home.'

'After that, I met another boy'

'even better-looking than Gino.'

- 'And we got married.' - But, uh..

'We have a darling baby girl, and I'm very happy.'

'The only times I ever think about Gino'

'is when it's going to rain'

'and I feel it hurt in my leg.'

'Hurray for life. Hurray for love.'

(male #2) 'Did you hear that?'

Yes, thank you.

[yawning] Well, thank you very much.

- 'Are you convinced now?' - Mm-hm.

'You won't do it?'

I won't do it.

'Good. That's a smart girl.'

'Very good. Very, very good.'

'Now, throw away'

'those awful little pills, Valeria.'

Will you call me tomorrow?

We have a lot of things to talk about still

both of us.

Eh, Valeria?

You don't mind my asking, my dear?

[Valeria yawning] 'No, I don't mind.'

Thank you, Valeria.

'Goodnight, signor, doctor, professor..'

'Calesi. Professor Mario Calesi.'

Goodnight, Valeria.

Mm. Mario Calesi.

Boniface, listen, I'd like to know

why you made up this-this-this ridiculous, arbitrary stuff

that contradicts history? Come on. Explain.

(Boniface) 'It's not arbitrary and it doesn't contradict history'

'no matter what you say.'

The crusades, in fact, were not expeditions

on a religious theme.

Redeeming the holy land, unfortunately

'was an idea cooked up by Pope Urban II'

'because the Turks were keeping the Europeans'

from commerce in the Orient.

'I read this in a book my father gave me.'

Yours is the church's point of view

and that's all.

'I defy you to prove differently.'

'I doubt if you can.'

Boniface, listen...I am a priest

and this is a school run by priests

and what's more

it's named after Pius X.

What point of view do you expect us to have here, huh?

You don't even agree with the crusades, Boniface.

Seeing that you get lessons in Marxism from your father

well, then, tell your father to put you in some other school

not run by priests

so you won't have to come here and criticize the Popes!

I tell him, professor

but it's my mother who sent me to this school.

Tell your mother too.

Professor, there's an important call

for you upstairs.

- From whom? - From the General Hospital.

From the hospital? What happened?

I don't know, they just say that it's urgent.

Urgent?

Get back to your seat!

[indistinct chattering]

Silence!

Excuse me, but I really have no idea who it can be.

- Hello? - 'Professor Carlusi?'

Calesi. Who is speaking?

(male #4) 'Emergency reception, General Hospital.'

'We have a patient here'

'a young lady who keeps asking for you.'

A young lady, you say? But, but..

Please speak a little louder.

There's a typewriter near me

and I can't hear you too well.

We're willing to interrupt our work if your call is brief.

- Thank you. - 'Valeria Billi.'

- Huh? - Valeria Billi.

(male #4) Hold on. Here's the doctor on duty.

Overdose of barbituates.

Not too serious. She'll be alright.

I'll give her to you.

Professor? Professor, dear.

Valeria, is this the way you keep your promise?

Go ahead. Type. Type.

Valeria, I see that I can't really trust you.

Forgive me. Forgive me, professor.

Really forgive me.

The things you said last night were so true and such a comfort

that I decided to kill myself right away.

No. Listen, the fact is, what I mean is that..

The fact that there are in this world good people

so altruistic, and, and with such a beautiful voice..

- Well-- - It made me feel more alone.

And so that's why I, I made this terrible--

That's enough. We're going to take you to the ward now.

I-it-it's alright.

L-listen, you'll come to see me, won't you?

Honestly, I can't.

And then, now that you're alright, you can call me.

No, not here.

At night, I'm always at number 2121.

No, listen, I have to talk to you personally.

D-don't let, don't let me down, you too, please.

Please? Professor! They are taking me to the ward!

Please, professor! Mama! Papa!

[school bell ringing]

- That was Valeria. - Billi.

Valeria Billi, you know her?

- No. - Ah.

- When did they bring her in? - Last night.

Then she's in the pediatric department, first room.

- But she's not a child. - Why, it doesn't matter.

Since yesterday, they've been putting everybody

into pediatrics. There are no beds anywhere else.

Father, if you don't get a move on with those new laws

there's going to be trouble, and you can

tell that to the government.

Me? But what do I got to do with the government?

In Italy if you don't, who does?

First door to the left.

Doctor, he told me he drank a can of paint

so I gave him turpentine to drink.

Valeria? Valeria Billi.

The priest.

Oh, my God, is it that serious?

Of course not, Valeria. Don't you recognize my voice?

- No. - No?

Is that you, Professor Calesi?

- Uh-huh. - Oh, God!

Wha..

That's the story of my life.

One doesn't tell me he's married

the other one doesn't tell me he's a priest.

What?

That's why you didn't want to come here, eh?

- Why didn't you tell me? - Tell you what?

- That you were a priest! - 'Didn't I tell you?'

It's just that every time somebody calls up

I don't answer, "Hello. I'm a priest."

Who do you expect to find doing charity work, a movie star?

'And, anyway, what difference does it make if I'm a priest?'

- Oh, a lot of diff-- - No, no, Valeria, no.

Don't be silly.

You've got to find the strength to go on living.

You had a bad time, but now it's over.

Can't you see for yourself how unlucky I am?

I even got stuck on your voice..

...and it was the voice of a priest.

I'm so unlucky.

Listen to me, Valeria.

Self-pity is part of the myth you built up about yourself.

Cute, eh? Here, sweetheart.

You have to accept once and for all

that you're a normal person

with the same misfortunes and the same joys

as all the other girls in the world.

- Is that clear? - No.

But just tell me one thing..

...what kind of luck is it when I come here

and I can't even get a normal-size bed?

They stick me in a half-size child's bed!

You see, everything happens to me.

They put you in it because you've got the mentality

of a child.

- Are you a psychologist? - No, not quite.

I have a liberal arts degree, but I majored in psychology.

Oh. I wish I could say the same.

I only got as far as the fifth grade.

Come on. You've got talents I don't have.

For instance, you sing.

- You're a singer, aren't you? - Yes.

If there's one thing I know how to do

really wonderfully, it's to sing, yes.

A beautiful voice is a gift of God

and these days, it can even end as an investment.

Look at Barbra Streisand.

You know, you really have a gift

to make people feel better.

Thank you, Valeria.

I'm glad I've been of some help to you.

I didn't say you've helped me, but, uh, I was just thinking.

On the phone you called me...dear.

Well, uh, talking on the phone is one thing.

It's another to discover

that the lost lamb is over six feet

six feet tall.

Alright, come, come. Feeding time.

Mother.

- 'Come on, come on.' - Mm. I'm not hungry.

(female #1) 'But you haven't eaten a thing.'

I'm not hungry.

We present tonight's subject

the problem of celibacy and the church.

'Should priests marry? Guests on tonight's panel..'

Margarita, come on, change it.

I want to see "Ricky and Kiki."

No, mama, leave it on.

Just out of the hospital

and you're interested in junk about priests

and I'm the one who has...arteriosclerosis.

'Look at him.'

'You know, Margarita, that Ricky reminds me'

'of a conductor who worked with me on the Venice Express.'

(Mario) 'Hello. This is A Helping Hand.'

'Hello? Hello?'

'Look, you're not the first one to call in'

'and lack the courage to talk. Wait, don't hang up.'

Hello.

'Hello.'

'Hello?'

It's 9:30.

Strange. I'm 20 minutes slow.

Well, that's what they said.

- What time is it? - 9:30.

'Oh, shoot. 9:30.'

No, no, no. All they give you here is advice.

They don't give handouts.

Isn't giving a little money giving a helping hand?

I already told you

all they give you here is peace of mind.

Now you go on. Go on.

Am I supposed to have peace of mind

on an empty stomach?

- Professor. - Hello.

- Professor. - Hello.

- How are you? Alright? - No, no. It's--

Uh.. Ooh!

- Whoa! - Let me help you.

Thank you. Um..

Uh, professor, I'd like to talk to you.

- I surprised you, didn't I? - Yes.

No, things have to stay as they are, Valeria.

We shall just have to remain voices on the phone.

But, professor, convalescence can be tricky.

Sometimes, it's worse than being sick.

If you don't help me now, you shouldn't have started.

Let's talk.

Very well, but some other time. Goodbye, Valeria.

Uh...when will I see you?

I don't know. May I be frank, Valeria?

It isn't proper for a priest to go running around

with a girl as, as exuberant as you.

You find me attractive? Really?

- I really have to go, Valeria. - Oh, wait, Don Mario.

Maybe what embarrasses you is the skirt.

Uh, mine, I mean. It's too short, isn't it?

I never noticed, but frankly, the skirt is too short. Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Bravo, father!

I wish they were all like you.

Stay in line, children! Stay in line!

Alright, hurry up, hurry up. The boat's going to leave.

Boniface! Boniface! What is that book?

"Das Kapital" by Marx or Mao's "Thoughts?"

No. It's "The last of the Mohicans," professor.

- From your mama? - No, my papa.

He says it's an indictment against racism

in an imperialistic society.

Ah, he would say that.

Hurry! Hurry or we'll miss the boat!

[boat horn blaring]

Hey! Wait for me! Captain!

- Hey, now, come back. - Professor?

Professor, there's a storm inside of me

and I'm in the middle of it.

Even last night I felt that awful impulse

coming back again.

Professor, I'm telling you because

because I have to unburden myself.

Unburden yourself? Bless you.

Does that groan mean you've had all you can take?

- Oh, no. - Forget it.

Besides, I didn't come here to see you exactly.

I was going to Venice on some business for my mother.

Ah. Just a second over there!

You'll fall into the water!

- Uh, professor. - Ah.

Professor.

Go ahead, Valeria, unburden yourself.

It will give us an idea of how you feel about your relations.

If you really want me to.

Should I tell you about me and Maurizio?

- Alright. - Okay, I will.

As a man, he satisfied me completely.

When I was with him, I was a whole woman.

I was completely fulfilled physically and emotionally.

Our love was like a force of nature, untamed.

Do you understand?

We had sexual intercourse frequently

and it always lasted a long time

because he and I were both very highly sexed.

You realize, professor, that some women are highly sexed

and some women are frigid.

And I just happen to be one of the highly sexed ones.

- To give you an example-- - Uh..

Yes, well, it was your social relations

that I was referring to.

Your relations to society, not your sexual exploits.

- I'm sorry. - For what?

I shouldn't have said those things. It bothers you.

- Oh, no, it doesn't bother me. - You're all red.

Would you please tell me why you priests

never tell the truth?

But what kind of nonsense are you talking?

Oh, don't get mad. Cigarette?

- No, thank you. - You never smoked?

- No, never. - It's impossible.

I don't believe you.

Once in your lifetime, in the bathroom

a person has to smoke a cigarette.

Alright, let's drop it, please.

We were talking about job possibilities for you.

Have you gone to work in your mother's shop?

Oh, it's a tiny little shop

and I don't like that kind of work.

What sort of work would you like to do then?

Ah, the only thing I know how to do is sing.

Before I worked with "The Dropouts"

I was with the "Psychos"

and before that, with the "Trippers."

Those are music groups.

I gathered as much.

I was a pop singer before, then I switched to romantic.

It suited me better.

Do you want me to hum something for you?

Mm, if you like.

♪ My passion my passion ♪

♪ My passion ♪

♪ My passion my passion ♪

♪ My passion ♪

♪ It's hard to say when ♪

♪ I miss you ♪

♪ That's only because I always do ♪

♪ My passion ♪♪

My passion, my passion, the concept is very clear.

Yes, but I've decided I won't sing anymore.

Perhaps that's not a bad, uh, idea.

- Ah, Venice is lovely! - Here we are.

Look, children, the Piazza San Marco!

Don Mario, what a glorious sight it is!

- Yes, it's beautiful. - Simply breathta--

Oof!

- What do you have in there? - I have books.

If they don't sell, I take them back

and change them for pop records. Are you alright?

I'm alright.

Sorry. You must look.

Another landmark, the famous church of San Giorgio.

(Valeria) 'Eh?'

It was built in the, uh..

Around, uh..

In the 16th and 17th centuries

by two architects, Palladio and Longhena.

Okay.

But you understand that's Baldassare Longhena

not his brother.

Bravo, Boniface.

Hah-hah!

No miniskirts, no maxiskirts, you don't like either.

What am I supposed to wear that won't make you look ridiculous?

It's not the length of the skirt that embarrasses me.

You'll never understand.

Valeria, it's better we don't meet each other anymore.

Three chicken cacciatore! Three!

Hurry up with the polenta!

Wake up, Maria.

Mm, it's paradise.

Try this, signor Conta. Try my special soup.

Armandino! Armandino, the reverend is still waiting!

No.

- Good evening, father. - Good evening.

- Good evening. - Two fish soup.

- Your specialty. - Two soup.

To begin with, a couple of slices of, uh, dried beef.

- From Valterina? - Yes, Valterina.

With lemon, oil.

Uh, now, wine.

Salina white, very well chilled.

Want it nice and cold. Thank you. Have a good dinner.

Thank you.

Don Mario, is being lonely really a problem for priests?

It is, isn't it?

I mean, being lonely in the middle of a crowd

that's the loneliness of a priest

and it's the hardest to bear.

I read it at the beauty parlor.

Valeria, will you stop going on about priests?

- Why are you so worried about-- - Here it is, our specialty!

My best hors d'oeuvre.

No bread. It fills you up.

Reverend, how about a tiny bit of pepper?

No. I've got the start of an ulcer.

Don't worry, father, we'll take care of your ulcer.

After you have the soup, we'll make you

one of our special Venetian chickens.

Mm! Sounds good.

A half portion for me, but not too small.

Alright, and for dessert, some cake.

And some mineral water.

Oh, water's only good to wash your feet in!

A character, isn't she?

Have a good dinner.

Thank you.

- Mm! Taste that, Mario. - Mm.

Oh, excuse me, I called you by your first name.

Oh, that's alright.

You don't mind?

It's not being too familiar?

- I don't think so. - No?

- Not as long-- - As what?

As we maintain a mutual respect.

Excuse me if I embarrass you sometimes..

...but it's because I'm happy, like now.

I know, I know there can't be

anything between us but friendship.

Of course. What else could there be?

And what is more beautiful than friendship

between a woman and a man?

Well, there might be other things too.

Oh, by the way

um, after the Lord's call..

...were you ever in love?

Me?

Before my vocation?

Yes, you.

No, no.

And afterwards...never?

Valeria..

...look, if I agree to go and see you..

...it's in order to help you

to make you like life again

and not for you to confess me.

Aren't you going to eat that?

I like dried beef.

Two fish soup specials!

- Here, you better put this on. - Thank you.

Or you'll get fish soup all over yourselves.

Oh, goodness, it's too much, too much.

- You're welcome. - Where is the crayfish?

Crayfish is the king of the fish soup.

- Smells delicious. - Alright.

It's the king of the soup

but we're in a republic.

- Crayfish is important. - Yes, I think so.

Now, what about you?

What kind of a religious background do you have?

Well, I-I used to go to church not telling my father

and then I stopped going, not telling my mother.

Do you love your father and your mother?

Yes, but we have, uh, we have nothing to say to each other.

- Mm. - I don't like being with them.

I don't like being at home.

I like being with you.

Do you mind?

- Excuse me. - What's the matter, Mario?

Nothing. Just a minute.

Sorry.

Oh, no. He was a priest.

Go on. That's it. Get him!

Son of a bitch!

[whistle blowing] Foul!

For tripping, that'll be three "Hail Mary's"

and for swearing, two "Our Fathers."

Oh, what vitality they have this morning!

Better give them a double dose of sedative

in their soup tonight.

- Oh, why? - Oh, you ask me why.

Old fool! It's spring, that's why.

- Oh. Calesi! - Don Filippo.

Mario, my boy!

You see what a disaster it is to become an old man?

Well, why did you come to see me?

I don't think it was only because you wanted to say hello

to your old teacher.

No, I didn't only come to say hello.

Don Filippo, I need your help.

There are periods of doubt and crisis

in every priest's life.

There have been times, particularly in my youth

when I had been celebrating holy mass

when I would catch myself thinking

"Why all this? What am I doing?"

The sense of useless pretense, empty ritual

the death of God.

Well, then we have to close our eyes and pray

pray desperately until divine grace returns

to illuminate us. What else can we do?

Come in, signorina. Come. Come in.

Uh, excuse me, but I didn't come here to speak to you

I was looking for, uh, Professor Calesi.

- Does he work here or not? - Sit down.

And why do you wish to see Professor Calesi, if I may ask?

I'm sorry. That doesn't concern you.

I've been calling for days and he's never in

so I came to find out what happened to him.

Would you be kind enough to tell me where I can find him?

I cannot. We're not authorized, signorina.

Don Mario requested a leave of absence

and he's not here right now.

He had very good reasons, no doubt.

I understand.

And if somebody needs him, if they need some help..

There's always someone to talk to here.

Rest assured, anyone who phones Helping Hand

is bound to find help.

I see. And talk to you, maybe?

Surely. And talk to me.

[scoffs] A great helping hand.

Don Mario Calesi sent me.

- He's very annoyed. - And why is he annoyed?

- What's wrong? - He isn't getting his mail.

Where have you been sending it to?

- Uh, where he told me to. - Where?

The St. Nicholas school, Torrescora.

Oh. St. Nicholas, Torrescora. I see.

- Is there some mistake? - No, no. Everything is fine.

It must be the postal strike. Bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Postal strike. Hm!

There we are.

It's a shame you've got such a hairy chest.

Oh, well.

Alright, boys. Onstage. Act I, scene six.

Oh, what a charming young lady you make. Beautiful!

Nice, huh?

You see, Mario, they are only amateurs

[grunts] but they show promise.

I'm delighted with your choice of costume.

Voice! Voice!

I particularly made sure this morning

that my coiffure was in good taste, Constance.

Well, don't move around like that.

You look like you're going to pee in your pants.

Ssh! Ssh.

That was very clever of you, but whatever does it mean?

For I do not see Signore Tonino.

Never fear, Rosina. He loves you madly.

My dear, if I wished it, he would marry me--

Rosina, a little more feeling.

Come on, "My dear, if I wished it

he would marry me tomorrow."

You've got to be a little more daring, mischievous.

Don't forget, Rosina, marriage is a very important thing.

'You are an ambitious, aristocratic girl.'

(boy #1) 'I don't know how to be a woman!'

(male #5) 'Nonsense. An actor has to be able'

'to play any kind of role.

What are you thinking about?

I was looking at these boys.

How many of them will become priests?

And how many of them good priests?

[chuckling] You were one of them

and in my time, I was one too.

And who knows how many others there are going to be?

Yes, but fewer and fewer.

There is no doubt that the church is facing a crisis

and one of the main reasons is celibacy.

The lesson today reads

"Thou shall love thy neighbor and hate thine enemy."

But, but I say unto you, love thine enemy.

And on these words is based the whole truth.

Verily, the word of Christ is love

love in whatever form it may take.

The love of a parent for the child.

The love of a husband for the wife.

The love of Je..

...of Jesus.

The word of Christ, I was saying, is love.

Because without love, there is no charity

without love, there is no hope

without love, there is no beauty

without love, there is no life. Jesus Christ be praised.

Look, you can go back to the city whenever you want to

back to your job, to your routine.

I won't bother you anymore

so you, so you don't have to hide.

- Who's hiding? - You.

Me? And what reason would I have had?

Oh, stop being a hypocrite, with me and with yourself.

You can't solve your problems that way.

Oh, there's a jinx on me.

They're all married

one to a wife, the other to the church.

Anyhow, the only thing I ask

is that things be out in the open

that you say it plainly.

We are not going to see each other anymore

because something is happening that shouldn't happen

instead of eating and running like a thief in the night.

I didn't run away. I felt ill, that's all.

So you left me sitting in a restaurant.

You didn't even pay the check!

Oh, by the way, you owe me 4700 lira.

- Tha-that's expensive. - Yeah, it's expensive.

I'm.. I don't have it with me. Next time.

There won't be a next time.

Agreed. There was no point in your coming this way.

Then why did you say next time?

Look here, I don't have to account to you

for what I've said, do I?

And don't give me any lectures!

It's time you left, Valeria. And this is goodbye.

It's hurting you a lot, I know.

It's hurting me too.

It doesn't hurt me.

No. You are suffering, Mario.

That's why you are shouting.

[chuckling] That would really be a laugh if it weren't so, uh..

Go on. Laugh. Laugh! Would you swear on St. Anthony?

Come on, swear on St. Anthony

that you'll never see me again, ever, ever again

it doesn't hurt you. Swear it.

Leave St. Anthony out of this.

- Swear it. - Priests don't swear.

Then who swears? Atheists?

Valeria, you're behaving like a child.

Jesuit. You are a Jesuit.

- Alright. I swear. - Jesuit and perjurer.

Listen, Valeria.. oh!

This was the first time, wasn't it?

And the last, Valeria.

Eh, may the saints help you, boy.

Ah, restless Mario.

When you were a student here, you seemed to me to be obsessed.

Ah, you wanted to go to Africa

to convert the heathens of Dr. Schweitzer.

Hah! What is it? Have you lost the faith?

No. That's not the problem, Don Filippo.

Well, in that case, tell me

is she, uh, pretty?

But I.. Who?

'Her.'

'The woman you're in love with.'

Don Filippo, how did you know?

'Oh, come on, sooner or later'

'we all get a little itch somewhere.'

[chuckling] How is she? Pretty, eh? Eh?

Pretty? I don't know if she's..

No, that isn't the point.

I mean, our relationship is purely spiritual.

Come on, Mario.

Hypocrite! Liar! Priest.

Eh. So, quite a hunk of girl, she is.

I don't blame you.

Then you saw her?

Eh, sure, I saw her.

I was in church too when you ran off.

I'm not surprised you're all worked up.

Well, what do you want?

'You want to get married?'

You want to get excommunicated?

Hey, sister! My shot.

Should I make an application

for the vows of celibacy to be lifted?

Dispensation? They don't give them anymore.

The Pope refuses!

My boy, put marriage out of your mind.

Jesus Christ be praised. Bachelors for life.

But it's much better to be married than to sin.

According to St. Paul, one day

all priests will be allowed to be married at the altar.

St. Paul is the saint of the protestants!

You've got a mama, haven't you?

And you know how mamas are.

They like to keep their sons around the house

but they prefer their sons to do their hanky panky

'out of the house, as long as they come home at night'

'for dinner, and the church is a jealous mama'

'like all mamas.'

Yes. The church is like a mama.

You know that.

Oh, so you're advising me to live in an ambiguous

dirty way..

...to get myself a girlfriend on the sly..

...like those priests who go to bed

with their housekeepers and the nuns.

What is he saying about nuns?

There isn't anything to worry about

as far as you're concerned.

Well, wh-what has this got to do with me?

What are you asking for? Renounce your vows.

Get castrated. I don't care!

But leave me in peace.

I'm too old, I'm too tired and I'm sick.

I'm fed up with you and your vows of celibacy.

That's all there is to it! Ah!

St. Lorenzo the martyr!

Shame on you. Just a nip in the bottom.

Here you are. Here you'll find everything on Polynesia.

- Alright? - Thank you.

- Goodbye, signorina. - Goodbye. Thank you.

- Can I help you, father? - No, thank you.

- Hello. - Oh! Look who's here.

- Nice bookshop. - Yes, very.

- Airy. - Airy.

- And a lot of books. - Mm-hm. Lots of books, yes.

Lots of books.

I'd like to get something.

Some scotch tape. Black or gray.

- Red. - Perfect.

- 'Anything else?' - No, no.

Hmm.

- What? - Nothing.

- You mean I'm a hypocrite. - Who said anything?

I'll wrap it up for you. Come on.

Look, I can't come here to you and say

and say straight out what's on my mind.

Besides being a priest, I'm a, I'm a man.

A mature man. Not a boy.

I have a certain reserve that makes me beat around the bush.

It's true. I beat around the bush.

I didn't say anything.

Come on, Valeria, would you like it

if I told you straight out that the dress you have on

is vulgar, that your hairdo looks terrible

and that you're putting on weight?

One hundred and fifty lira.

Would you like me to be like that? Brutally sincere?

Telling you truthfully what I think?

No, because all those things you don't like to hear

have to be said with a little bit of hypocrisy.

- You've been drinking. - No. Never between meals.

Okay. What do you want? Talk plain.

I pick my clothes and my hairdo to suit myself.

Yes, I put on weight, and I like it

so you know what you can do.

Or did you expect me to commit suicide for you too?

- This is shocking. - Good. Bravo.

- Be shocked. Be shocked! - Yes, I am shocked, Valeria.

Is this a way for us to talk to each other?

Why? Is there something between us? Nothing. So..

Ah. Ah. Now, now I've got you.

You tripped yourself up. Now, you are the hypocrite.

So there is nothing between us? Splendid.

It's you who are the hypocrite, like always.

You come here to tell me, tell me what?

You're going around in circles and I still don't know

what it is you-you're trying to spill out, Mario.

What the hell are you trying to say?

Don Mario, you want to tell me something or don't you?

Please, please, you're reducing everything

to an absurd, mean conventionalism.

What are you asking me for anyway? Uh..

A declaration? A serenade?

Do I have to fall at your feet..

No. Nobody home.

That I think of you night and day?

That I've stopped eating, sleeping?

That my life has become hell?

That you've put on weight, and I've lost 2 1/2 pounds?

Is that what you want me to tell you?

Yes. Yes, yes!

That's what I want you to tell me.

Mario! I love you.

Oh, I love you. Mario. Mario.

Excuse me. Do you have one of those erasers?

An eraser that's made in the shape of the dinosaur

and you put it over your pencil?

Yes, yes, that's, that's the one. Thank you.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Eh, you little rascal.

Oh. Uh, for the tape, uh, 150 lira.

Thank you. Ciao.

Goodbye.

- Here. - How much?

- No charge to you. - 'Gee, thanks.'

- No, no, Valeria. - Oh, come on, try.

You say you can drive a little

even if you don't have a license.

[laughing] It's easy. It's like riding a bicycle.

A conditioned reflex.

I'm surprised at you, a psychologist.

I want you modern, up-to-date.

The skirt. Not yours, I mean.

- You're on mine. - Oh, I'm sorry.

- Yours. - Oh, thank you.

Okay. Okay, look.

Gas pedal, clutch and brake, okay?

Yes. I-I know. I know.

- Just a moment. - Then get going.

- What are you afraid of? - My, my glasses. I'm sorry.

Okay, now the key, turn the key a little bit

and then in first. First.

- Oops. I'm sorry. - Okay. Slowly.

Slowly. Slowly! Slowly. Watch it.

- Watch it. No, very slowly.. - I'm sorry.

Ve-ve..

- Trust me. - I told you.

Trust me now, trust, now, now the second.

- Now you put it in second. - Yes, yes.

It's in second? I'll help you. Okay.

Now, that's good. It's marvelous.

You see how easy it is? It's just great.

Look out. Look out.

Go left first.

Uh, no, no, no, no! Oop!

(Mario) 'You say left, then you say right. Don't confuse me.'

A little more in the middle of the road. That's it.

- Bravo. Bravo. - Valeria, mama mia.

You're fabulous. Uh.. Fabulous. You're fabulous.

Bravo. Bravo.

- Ah. You see how easy it is? - But it's impossible.

I'm never going to be able to succeed in managing a car.

Wait. You'd better b-brake. Brake! Brake!

No, no. That's the gas! Would you..

Eh.

Go ahead, damn it. Go on.

Move along there, will you?

Go on. He told you to go ahead. Go.

(Valeria) 'Oh!'

- Of all the stupid-- - Just a minute now!

- Please control yourself. - Do you preach like you drive?

You're supposed to keep your hands on the wheel, father

and your eyes on the road.

- It's his fault. - No.

It's my fault for letting you drive.

- Yes. Do you have a pencil? - An eyebrow pencil?

- Are you hurt? - It must be bleeding.

Yes, it hurts a little bit.

[man singing in foreign language]

You've made a terrible mess. The radiator's busted.

We'll be here until tonight. Heh.

You ready to order?

First, let's see what my sister has in mind.

What did you say you wanted?

I didn't say a thing.

You want the veal and celery stew?

Make it two, one for my sister and one for me.

Hmm-mm, veal and celery stew for the brother

and a parsley omelet for the sister.

Uh, white wine, cold.

Valeria, what are you so upset about?

Because you're getting on my nerves, that's what.

Please, Valeria, don't attract attention.

I don't understand you.

We have been in a restaurant together, haven't we?

Yes.

But it's different now.

Now, I, I

I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you now, and it seems to me

'that everyone knows it'

and that's why they're looking at us.

I mean, uh-uh..

[laughing]

That makes me laugh too.

Now they're all looking at us.

Naturally. We are laughing like two idiots.

Darling, you say you're in love with me

that you want me.

- That I didn't say. - Alright, you didn't say it.

Priest or no priest, you're a man

at least I hope so, so get a move on. Do something.

We can't keep playing brother and sister

for the rest of our lives.

Besides, I'm an only child.

"Get a move on. Do something."

But what? How?

I've been thinking about it for days.

Don't think I haven't.

I can ask to be released from my vows

that is, permission to give up holy orders

and go back to being a layman.

And if they agree, I'll be free to be married to you.

Or on the other hand, they can refuse.

Let's say they refuse. Then what?

You go back to being what you said before. What did you say?

- A layman. - Layman, eh.

Without permission?

And be excommunicated?

Valeria, you know what you're saying?

What are you saying? You'd be able to marry me, no?

Or do you want us to live together without being married?

Alright. It's out of the question.

So what do we do? Hm? Do I become a nun?

A marriage between a priest and a nun

would suit the church better?

Quiet.

He-he-he, you have to decide

darling, me or them.

He-he, if you're not a hypocrite

if you're not trying to have your bread buttered

on both sides.

Is it my fault? What can I do about it?

I love you, but I love my mission too.

You have to give it up.

And who knows?

If I were coward enough to give it up

maybe it'll change the way you feel about me.

You're being a coward right now because you don't have the guts

to break loose, to say

"The hell with my vocation and.."

- Ouch! You're hurting me. - I know.

- I'll scream. - Try it.

[shouting] Take your hands off me!

Ah! Then you, uh, you said that to him?

Good for you. And what did you do then?

You're being a priest, alright. You're all the same.

Long live the bride and groom!

What are you doing? Hey!

No, no, Giuseppe! Come on!

- Sorry, father. - That's quite alright.

Long live the bride and the groom!

Oh! Have a drink with us, why don't you?

Come along and meet our guests.

He's my brother. Come on.

We might as well go to one wedding today. Come on.

Oh, leave that alone, huh?

I don't want it to get too cold.

Well, come on!

A kiss for the bride, father!

Let's all drink a toast to the happy couple!

Don't worry, Luigi! Soon we can get divorced.

Good luck, Luigi!

If you need help, call me.

Ow!

Uh, father, may I dance with your sister?

Oh! If you please, signorina.

Women like you with long legs

are the best dancers.

Well, uh..

May I say, father, your sister is very pretty.

Really. Honestly, I mean that.

Is she married yet?

Well, is she engaged?

Some really lucky fella who got her.

I say we must drink to the lucky guy.

And when's the great day?

- Give me the works, boys. - Right.

Keep an eye on the guitar. I'm going inside.

Valeria!

- The Wildcat from Padua! - Hey!

Jimmy guitar!

(Jimmy) 'What are you doing in this burg?'

Come on, let's go and have a drink.

Okay. Excuse me.

Two Campari soda.

Planning to do the ceremony yourself?

No? You mean that?

After all, you're her brother. You're her brother.

- Yeah, you look pretty good. - So do you.

Say, can you tell me something?

Sure.

Why did you quit the music business?

Well, it's a long story.

Besides, now the public wants skinny, little kids

with no front, no behind and no voice, so..

[laughs] I don't care about the voice

but there's got to be something behind

and something up front.

Hey, what are you doing?

- Come on, let's dance. - Okay.

[laughing]

Is that the lucky fella dancing?

And does he have money, eh?

[Valeria laughing]

He doesn't?

Speak to her, father. Better speak to her.

Give your sister a little good advice about her future.

'I know how girls are today.'

'They got nothing in their heads.'

I guess it doesn't matter

long as they got something down below.

Oh, it's with respect that I say that.

Hey!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

[laughing] I'm dead!

- Let's go outside. - I'm so hot.

You know, father, I got 20 acres of beets.

Beets, wheat too and grapes.

I'm gonna make 200 barrels of wine.

It's good wine, father.

You come see me with your sister.

Please, give him a drink. Bye.

Maria!

- 'Please.' - 'Come on, Valeria.'

- 'Please, Jimmy!' - 'Val.. Valeria.'

Valeria, what are you doing?

Why, I..

Who's he? Your father confessor?

The young lady's in good hands, father.

Listen, I don't know you. I don't want to know you.

Stay away from her. Now go.

- Amen? - Oh, no.

Not amen. I didn't finish.

Don't believe that my uniform doesn't

permit me to give you a lesson.

Uh-uh, please, Jimmy, go away.

- Yeah, maybe I'd better. - Yeah. You--

Peace be with you.

I'll phone you and we'll pick it up where we left off.

There is nothing to pick up.

[laughing] What a character!

An old pal from when I used to call myself wildcat.

You know what I ought to call you now?

What should you call me now? Say it.

Come on, say it.

Right under my nose.

You did it to hurt me, didn't you? To hurt me!

What right have you got to criticize?

Or maybe you think you're my brother for real.

Look, nobody at that table believed us.

You know what one of those farmers said to me?

The nervy one with the mustache.

"You'll do it with a priest, but not with me."

You hit me.

No.

Of course, I'm pleased.

You know that Maurizio, I didn't think much of him.

If you found someone you like better, good for you.

The important thing is that he's a proper, young man.

Why have you been keeping it a secret?

We just got engaged yesterday.

Ah, then why the big hurry to bring him here?

I wanted to get it over with.

I think you'd like him, but papa, umm, I don't think so.

Why not? If he's decent, honest, hard-working..

Isn't he religious?

Uh. A little too much.

What's this bottle of vinegar doing here?

I put it there. Why not?

If someone feels faint, they can sniff a little vinegar now.

Who's supposed to feel faint?

Eh, mama. You never know.

Well, since he'll be here at any minute

you might as well tell me his name.

Uh, his name is Don Mario.

Don Mario? Like Don Ameche. Is he an actor?

- No, he's not an actor. - Oh, that's a relief.

One in show business in the family is enough.

What is he, Neapolitan?

No, no, he's not even Neapolitan.

- No, no. - That's good.

Yes.

Mom, he's here.

Oh, the nude.

We'd better hide it here.

- Hello. - Hello, Valeria.

Papa isn't home yet. You better face mama first.

Uh, I..

No, no. Come on. Come on.

Mama...this is Don Mario.

Oh, I'm delighted..

The vinegar!

Calm yourself, The first impression hits you

then you get used to it.

Sniff. Good. Okay?

Okay.

It's a privilege to meet you, signora.

I know that you're devout, so I thought you might like to wear

this little medal of the Madonna of Lourdes.

It's silver.

Sit down.

Then he's really a real priest?

Yes, mama.

Protestant?

Uh, I'm afraid not.

He's a catholic.

Oh, dear.

Have they given permission to priests to marry?

Mm-mm. Not yet.

Well, then, how are you going to get married?

[gasp] Papa. Oh, my..

Oh, damn, it's hot.

- Papa, this is, uh-- - A priest in the house?

- Is somebody dead? - 'Valeria g engaged.'

Huh! Again, eh?

But isn't it a little soon to bring in the priest?

Signore Billi, I'm the one she's engaged to.

Hmm, you got to be kidding.

Oh, no, Adriano. They're not kidding.

They're not kidding.

Well, the Pope grant you permission?

Crazy business.

- Uh, get me a glass of water. - Yes, papa.

- Uh, with some wine. - Alright.

- Uh, forget the water. - Okay, papa.

- Sit down, please. - Uh, thank you.

A priest is a man like any other, papa.

And haven't you always said that priests ought to marry?

Sure, but not with my daughter.

God knows if she's my daughter.

Look at her, twice as big as I am.

Huh! Who knows the answer to that question?

'With all due respect to my wife.'

'So you're going to stick me with a priest in the family'

but have you thought of how a priest can marry?

Have you? It's impossible to marry.

And stay a priest, but.,.

...I made a formal request to be released

from the holy orders and not to be excommunicated.

You'll quit the church? You'll quit to marry Valeria?

- You'd give up being a priest? - I'll give up my vows and..

Well, it's no use, Mario. He wouldn't understand.

He's a bit nuts up here.

Let's drink to it.

One priest less and one more horse's ass

like the rest of us.

- Drink. - No. I--

- What's your name? - Mario.

Well, damn it, drink, Mario! Drink!

I don't drink between..

Well, I might have a little.

Thank you.

Monsignor?

(Monsignor Caldana) 'Ah! Here he is. Our Don Calesi.'

- 'Uh, come, come. Sit down.' - Thank you.

[blows]

I received your request.

If you allow me, may I offer my congratulations?

Ours is a great family..

...and when a family looks forward to an event..

...as delightful as matrimony

'there can only be joy, no?'

And when..

...is the wedding, if I may ask?

I don't know. It's a little premature.

Please, premature.

When the right girl happens to come along..

...you just throw in your cassock

'and forget the whole thing.'

You don't approve, do you?

What did you expect, after all

that I'd be your best man at the ceremony, Calesi?

One calls upon a priest to celebrate matrimony..

...not to consummate it.

And I'll appreciate your not telling me that tired old story

about priests being men like all others.

No! Because they're better than all the others.

They're nothing if they're not superior!

St. Paul says, "You can't give joy to others

if there is no joy in your heart."

And in my heart there is no joy.

Ah! Don't cite quotations to me as gospel truth.

St. Paul was unable to foresee the future

'to know that there'd be bad priests today.'

I am not a bad priest.

Not as yet, anyhow.

Excuse me, Monsignor Caldana, but with your permission

I would like to point out that things are changing.

'In the 16th century, they were still arguing'

'about whether women had souls.'

Today women even have the right

to stand at the altar next to the priest.

But they have not started to go to bed with him.

'Unfortunately, they have.'

Oh, no, not in my case, but in many others, secretly.

And it wouldn't happen if a Christian union were allowed.

You're terribly egotistical.

If the church sometimes releases a priest from his vows

and thereby allows him to marry

it's in order to avoid a worse evil or scandal.

It is my holy duty to insist that you think

and that you think deeply of this situation.

- But I have! - No. Not enough.

You are under the grip of an unholy and insane passion.

Stop wasting my time.

I order that you take a month's retreat

for spiritual meditation, go!

- May Jesus Christ be praised! - Amen!

(Mario) 'Anyone home?'

- Who's there? - 'It's Mario.'

[laughing] Oh, my friend.

- Oh, friend! - Ciao!

I welcome you to my humble dwelling, Mario.

- It's been a long time. - You've got to excuse me.

I was a little desperate. That was why I called you.

I absolutely had to see you.

You did the right thing. Lucia!

Lucia! Uh, come in.

Thank you.

You're one of the few who had the courage to face the problem

'and since I too find myself in this..'

I present my friend Mario Calesi

my friend at the seminary.

I told you about him.

- Pleasure. - Pleasure.

This is my wife and my companion.

Go on, get us a drink.

Sit down. Sit down.

I'm so glad you came to see me. No, not that one!

- Oh.. - I'm sorry.

How many times have I told you to get it fixed?

No, no, no. You've got to fix it yourself.

Hmm, I put a ton of glue on it.

Huh, who knows what kind of glue.

So..

...old Monsignor Caldana said no right away, huh?

Yes, but that doesn't end it.

We're not living in the days of Pius IX anymore.

We have to fight. Well, I'm ready.

Bravo. Good luck.

We're on the front lines of the sacred battle, Mario.

We are, we are heroes.

We're martyrs and I can say that without false modesty..

....because they are still very powerful.

If you only knew what they put me through.

But I'm not surrendering. I wrote it all down!

All of it. I wrote it all down.

Facts and figures.

The buying and selling of relics.

Real-estate transactions!

I'm talking about millions, Mario, millions!

Corruption! A scandal that will rock the world.

And it's all in here, fully documented.

(Mario) 'You have a job, don't you?'

'You do have work?'

[laughing] I've got work, alright.

I work in a bookshop downstairs.

They find my background useful.

I address envelopes. It pays pretty well.

A hundred lira for every fifty.

So you see, at the end of the week

I've got around three or four thousand lira

and that's not bad at all.

Of course, I give Latin lessons.

I write for a little paper in Turin.

Correspondent.

Things are pretty good.

No.

I'm not doing well at all, Mario.

Things are pretty terrible.

Maybe it's because I made my decision a little late.

They break your will by making you feel

like a black sheep, a traitor.

'Somehow they get to you'

'they make you live in emptiness.'

The Italian constitution

guarantees the liberty of all its citizens.

There's no distinction of race, language, or religion!

Except for a defrocked priest.

We're put... we're put at the bottom.

We're third-rate citizens.

Look at what you've done here.

You've burned a hole in the tablecloth.

Always with that damn cigarette in your mouth.

I'm sick of the sight of you! Come on, get back to work!

Go wash the plates! Go away from here, come on!

Don't pay attention. When he drinks, he's always like that.

Shut up, woman!

Why do you drink so much? Look at you, you fat pig!

Do you want a clout? Get out of here!

Forgive her.

She's really a good woman. She's just a little bit mad.

Well, I have to go. I have to go.

Mario, we'll see each other. I'll help you.

It'll be much easier.

And if there's anything new, let me know.

- Mario, you won't forget, huh? - No.

Listen, Mario, don't pay attention

to me the way I am now.

It's different for you. You're younger.

And I know that she is, is different.

What I mean is, I'm sure that for you it's worth it.

Ciao.

And say goodbye to Lucia.

Don't forget, Mario, please.

Don't let them intimidate you.

Don't weaken.

Wait, Mario. Listen.

Now that we got together, don't abandon me.

'We must combine our forces because the enemy is strong.'

'There's only two of us now, but there will be more!'

'Come and see me, Mario! Don't abandon me.'

Monsignor Caldana! Monsignor Caldana!

Monsignor Caldana. I'm Valeria Billi.

Signorina, are you following me around?

For three days, I've been trying to get in to see you.

I refuse only to see those who bring shame on our children.

Excuse me. What shame?

There is a sheep in your flock that belongs to me.

Give me my sheep back and we'll call it quits.

The sheep all belong to the shepherd.

And if one of them gets tired of grazing, if one of them says

"Listen here, shepherd, I don't like to eat grass anymore.

It doesn't agree with me, I'd rather have coffee and cake"

you shouldn't try to stop him because, listen, monsignor

being a sheep all your life is tough, you know.

Do you realize what you're saying?

Yes. That I'm in love with a man and want to marry him.

You want to marry a man who's already married to the church.

No decent woman would even begin to think about it.

But I didn't say I was a decent girl.

- I said I was in love. - No! No, photographs!

- Please! No, don't! - Father!

Get away! Get away! Shame!

- But, father! Father! - Shame on you!

Don't you dare! Get away.

Get away!

(male #6) '""Give me back my sheep, cries ex-nightclub singer."'

'""This marriage must not take place"

'says Monsignor Caldana."'

You see? You see what this little affair has led to?

A front page scandal.

For you, perhaps, Signorina Billi

this kind of publicity may be useful..

...but for us, certainly not.

Yes, it was useful, Your Excellency.

It got me in to see you.

When you're talking to the deaf

you have to raise your voice, you know.

That's something you do well..

'...but I would like to know why the interested party..'

- Hey. - 'That is, Don Mario Calesi..'

Why didn't Don Mario proceed in the usual channels?

Excellency, um..

My father, when he's all in there

says that proceeding through channels is the longest

possible way to get from one point to another.

I took the shortcut.

My dear girl, a decision such as the one you made with Don Mario

was undoubtedly made without thinking, in very great haste.

It was made in a moment of incertitude, of despair.

Oh, no, no. We made it when we were very, very happy.

And I'm sure, later, you'll both repent in great remorse.

Excellency, if Mario..

Uh, Don Mario, who loves his mission

is willing to give it up

'it means he has his good reasons.'

'He must have very good reasons.'

Good reasons which I too can very clearly see.

Alright, I'll take care of it myself.

'It may take time, of course.'

And in the meantime, you must try to be patient

and avoid publicity.

Please tell me the truth.

We can all trust each other.

Is it definite? Can I count on it?

As far as I'm concerned, yes.

Thank you, Your Excellency. You're so good.

- What's your name? - Dellar. Alphonso Dellar.

Oh, if we have a boy, we'll call him Alphonso after you.

Oop!

[laughs] I'm so happy!

What a nice surprise. How come you're here?

I thought you were in confinement.

You didn't escape, did you?

How did the photographers know

there was going to be such a big scene

between you and Monsignor Caldana

outside the side door of his office?

Hey, why are you looking at me?

And who else should I look at since you're the only one here?

Valeria, I don't approve of the scandal sheet system

and I would like you to know

I don't approve of your cheap vaudeville.

- You're unfair. - Then it's not true?

Yes, it's true, but you're unfair anyway.

- 'Why?' - Because I got busy.

I did something.

I didn't just hang around and, and chew my fingernails.

And if they give you permission to marry me

it's be-because I fixed it with my waud-waudevittle.

Uh-uh, you know what I mean.

Really?

And who told you that they would give us permission?

- Alphonso. - Alphonso who?

The square-faced cardinal, you know.

Hey, hey! What do you think?

Or what about this one? Listen.

"Two rooms, kitchen and a bathroom

centrally located."

Or, or this one.

Same price in the suburbs. Three rooms and a terrace.

- Which do you prefer? - We'll look at them both.

Don't forget, there's furniture to buy.

It adds up.

Oh, some saint will help us.

I'm afraid I won't have much influence with the saints now.

Anyway, I've bought something already..

...for cash.

- Here. - For your father?

- No, it's for you. - For me?

Yes, darling, you can't go around dressed like a priest

uh, shopping for a double bed.

But not dressed like a clown.

Look at this jacket. It's from the circus.

No, it's sporty. You always wear black.

You see how it suits you.

It will make you look years younger.

- You think so? - Yes, I'm sure of it.

Come on. Try. Try it on.

- Uh, I'll go and answer. - Yeah.

Hello.

Oh, well, I'm very sorry, my dear signor

but nobody here has gotten excommunicated.

Yes, the marriage is going to be held as announced

with all the necessary dispensations.

Hey, who is it?

And a good luck telegram from the Pope.

Yes, the Pope!

Another anonymous phone call--

And if someone makes an anonymous call

they should be brave enough to give their names.

Anyhow, don't bother. I know what you are.

Huh, you want to know? You are a son of a bitch.

Who were you shouting at?

Uh, somebody was looking for his mother.

Uh, hmm?

Hmm.

[metal clanging]

Uh, th-this is the living room..

And a very nice suburban area.

It's a pretty fine neighborhood

and apparently, there'll be an express bus service

but there's a parking lot downstairs too.

[speaking in foreign language]

Too much luxury. This is disgusting.

Poor church.

It's not furnished yet, of course.

We'll do it after the wedding.

- Mario, show them the bedroom. - And this is the.. Uh?

- Please. - Yes, please, uh, this way.

Come on. We'll look at the bedroom.

Right here.

Let's have a look, my son.

Please do.

It's a perfectly ordinary bedroom.

Well, suppose we have a little drink..

It was my idea to have people in for a drink.

Mario is so careful. He wanted to wait for the dispensation.

You're quite sure that you're getting it, aren't you?

Oh, sure. We will get it in a few days.

Papa, here.

The Italian woman is very religious.

When she's young, she forces you into the sacrament of matrimony.

When she's old, your last rites are all she's worried about.

Two cardinals are talking in the Vatican.

One cardinal says to the other, "What do you think?

Think we'll ever see priests getting married?"

and the other one answers, "No, we won't

but our children certainly will."

Here's to the girl who lives on the hill!

She won't, but her sister will!

I raise my glass to you, my dear Mario

and to your lovely fiance.

I wish you every happiness.

May you continue to fight for your liberty

and a little bit for theirs too.

♪ Happy engagement to you ♪

Thank you, thank you.

♪ Happy engagement dear Mario ♪♪

- Goodbye. - You're alright, Mario.

- I like you. - Goodbye.

- 'Hurry up, Valeria.' - Yes, mama.

I'll tidy the place up. I won't be long.

God go with you.

Count on me. Goodbye, Mario.

Friends are the riches of life. Goodbye.

(Valeria) 'If you help, it won't take a minute.'

Alright.

We'll just put everything in the kitchen for now..

...and we'll see tomorrow.

'Uh, turn the lights off.'

I feel a little tipsy. It must be the champagne.

- 'Uh!' - 'Oh!'

- 'Did I hurt you?' - 'Hmm!'

- 'We can go now.' - 'Yes, we can.'

Poor papa.

You talk about him as if he were dead.

Well, you know, his legs don't work anymore

and his mind isn't all there either.

- Like my father. - If only he were.

But you'll see my mother.

There's a woman, 78 years old

but she is up at the crack of dawn every morning

plowing, hoeing, cooking, cleaning.

[laughing] I can't wait to meet her.

- Ah! Here we are. - Hey.

There's the house.

Papa!

I brought you cigars.

No, what are you doing? You mustn't eat them.

Mama!

Mama, come here. I want you to meet..

Mama!

Mama, wait! Ge-I..

'Mama, open the door. Why are you like this?'

Go on! Get out of here! You get out of here!

Go on!

Mama, listen to me. Mama! Open up, mama.

Mama, you hurt my hand. Mama, listen.

Not your mother. No, not anymore and I have no more son.

The devil's the one you belong to!

You'll have to wait till I'm inside my grave.

Till then don't visit me.

Now, better go with your woman there

'all dressed up like a Christmas tree, go away!'

'Go away from my house'

'this blessed house that you put a curse on.'

'Go, go away, I said!'

'May your soul burn in the flames of hell!'

Valeria!

Valeria, wait!

(Mario) 'The counter reformation covers the period between--'

Hey, professor!

An express letter from Rome!

From Rome!

Mamma mia!

Pardon me. I, I.. It just came.

May I use your letter.. Your telephone?

I have to leave immediately for Rome.

And by the way, I want to tell you something.

If you don't want that I return here to teach

when I'm not a priest anymore, it doesn't bother me one bit.

This school is completely obsolete and Boniface is right!

Valeria, Valeria!

I've been summoned to Rome! We've done it! We've won!

These things take time, of course

but what matters is things are beginning to move.

- Why are you laughing? - Nothing. A crazy idea.

I was thinking, wouldn't it be lovely if you could

marry us yourself, but maybe that's not possible.

I should think not

unless you prefer to marry somebody else.

I haven't told you, but I've had two jobs offered

me from a record company.

Of course, now I'm a celebrity, the priest's wife.

They'll do anything to sell records.

You can tell them that it's the husband's duty

to look after his wife, even if he was a priest.

I'm sorry you're leaving.

I'll write to you as soon as there's news or I'll call.

- Up I go. - Wait, Mario.

- They're looking at us. - Who cares?

In a few days, we'll be married.

'Ciao.'

(Mario) 'Ciao, Valeria.'

(female #4) 'Signora Billi.'

Signora Billi, the rabbit ovulated.

Oh, good. That means it's a false alarm then.

No, no. It means it's positive.

Congratulations, signora.

Thank you. Thank you.

Another one who isn't married.

Hello.

Mario! At last!

Still in Rome? When are you coming back?

I haven't heard a thing. How are things going?

Yes?

To Rome? Why?

Of course, I'll come.

Alright, you tell me when you see me.

I miss you, too.

Very much.

I was just writing to you.

I have something very, very important to tell you.

No, I prefer to tell you in Rome.

Okay? Ciao.

Yes, I'll be there tomorrow.

Bye.

- Excuse me, mother. - Sister, if you don't mind.

Sister, I've been going around in circle for an hour.

Could you tell me where I could find Don Mario Calesi, please.

I'm sorry, but if you want to see Monsignor Calesi

you'll have to make an appointment.

Monsignor?

Well, I've got an appointment with him.

Very well, turn right to the third intersection

than at the second intersection and after that you turn left.

- Last one. Ja? - Ja.

Excuse me, sister. I want to speak with St. Paul.

Ciao.

Mario.

Please sit down. Sit down.

You speak Spanish very well.

It was Latin, I was talking to a priest from Nepal.

And congratulations, monsignor.

- Who told you? - The German sister.

That's premature.

I haven't been proposed officially.

She shouldn't refer to me that way.

But I don't get it.

Why are they making you monsignor

just when you're about to

to leave it all behind?

To quit they promote you?

Yes, I'll explain everything.

Excuse me a second.

Uh, sit down. Sit down.

I am sitting down.

I'm a little sorry you came the moment when I, uh..

'Are you busy?'

They've completed the chapel of the holy office

'and in a few minutes, they're going to have the'

ceremony of the consecration.

But as far as our marriage is concerned

everything is going splendidly.

Want a cigarette?

No, thanks.

I've been told the way my request is being handled..

Well, it'll go through without a single hitch.

All my papers are in order.

'Then when can we..'

'How long before you get the dispensation?'

Oh, soon. Soon, soon.

They promised it soon.

The bishop told me soon.

Of course he said, "Don't rush things."

What did he mean "Soon" and "Don't rush things?"

I don't understand.

Well, you see, Valeria, the church is going through

a period that's very difficult.

Crisis, scandals in the newspaper.

And also, what's more, it's been very..

For example, the problem of the Indian nuns

the bishops resignation in Hamburg.

Well, alright, let's not mention them because I don't understand

a single part of it any way and I don't care.

All I want to know is

what do we have to do with the bishop's resignation?

That's, that's what I'm trying to explain.

The church is passing though a difficult moment..

...a moment that is..

Well, well, a moment that is--

Uh, difficult.

Yes.

And they've ask me to

as a matter of fact, they begged me

the one's higher up

if I could, just for now

in order not to add to the scandal

if could wait a little while..

...a few months.

Well, perhaps a little longer.

By the way, look here.

Right up there. See those two windows?

'That's where I live. Three rooms.'

- The rent is not too high. - Lovely.

But did you have, uh, to rent an apartment

if you're not going to be here long?

My reason, my reason for the apartment is because

in order to keep things moving, somebody's got to be here.

Do things right, I learned that from my mother.

A big office, a nice apartment..

...you're doing fine in Rome, aren't you?

Now that you are here, I am.

You know, Valeria, opposite there's another

little apartment for rent

and while we're not yet married..

...you could..

The two of us together in this place, you understand..

...is impossible.

Yes, but didn't you say the dispensation

was going to arrive soon?

- Yes. - That we could get married?

Of course, I did.

How long is soon?

Um, a few months.

One year at most.

- A year, huh? - At most.

Meanwhile, I..

...take the little apartment

and we stay here, close to each other.

Now and then you drop in to see me..

...or I'll come over to your place.

And we'll be careful not to be too conspicuous.

I want you with me.

I won't give you up.

Valeria, you know I fought hard

for an immediate release.

But you know what they said to me?

The church is not in a hurry.

We are not in a hurry either.

Ah, what was it you had to tell me that was so important?

It's nothing.

It's not important.

[knock on door]

Monsignori.

I'm late. His Eminence must be arriving.

You wait for me, I'll be back.

I won't be long.