Original subtitles

foreign

[Music]

foreign

busting you and putting you away for

good

worry about me

I mean if you want to know the truth the

only one I'm really worried about is my

ex-wife

ever since she called me a bed with

Angelica she's been intent on killing us

foreign

bulletproof windows

dumb parrot pay 500 for them really

doesn't like that yeah yeah I'm

listening to you yeah I I know the

Heat's coming down on me but the fish

ain't got a thing on me she doesn't know

she's signed the contracts

she thinks I'm helping with a penmanship

I'm pretty smart huh

hey

you want to crack it

dumb version

I'm not going to jail okay that's the

beauty part of it

she's going Angelica that's who

well that's why I'm so boss

shut up don't you ever call her stupid

again you you got that Louie

[Music]

I told you always wear your glasses when

you're near me

[Music]

is everything okay poopsie

shut up

you're upset

yeah

maybe I can do something better

I've never seen you so excited before

don't ever touch this again

why do you always ask me so many stupid

questions

I'm sorry doll the feds have been coming

down on me they think I'm embezzling

poopsie

I don't like to see you get so excited

oh poopsie

and I refuse to make love with my

glasses on put those back on you're

walking accident

is everything okay don't move

just take two steps backwards do it

sit down on the bed

[Music]

[Music]

um

[Music]

that was the absolute best you ever were

and I'm not just saying that hmm

you know poopsie

I really owe you a lot

you took me off the streets

taught me self-defense

how to detonate bombs

pick locks

but

well

something's been bothering me

see we don't communicate with each other

I mean

I don't know who you are where you're

from I don't know anything about you and

every time I ask you a question about

yourself you tell me to quit asking so

many questions

I think you're really insensitive and I

don't like it

I also don't like it when you tell me to

shut up all the time

you can be very cold and heartless

I don't like your big smelly cigars I

don't like it when you leave the toilet

seat up and I don't like it when you

joke around and take your teeth out

there

no no don't you feel better that we're

communicating

I certainly do

die you went

[Music]

you're dead

oh

[Music]

damn it Mr Pope that car stepped in

between us and the limo I still think I

can slip the microphone into her car I

think you should put your headset on sir

[Music]

sunroof

it's almost there

Bingo it's in position

this isn't good Sally you could end up

behind bars nobody's gonna put me in

jail

after all

I'm not common enough what I want to

know is why is he so intent on going

after me what the crop politicians who

have gotten deals approved and are

evading federal tax

maybe it's because she thinks that

you're just a ruthless [ __ ] who abuses

everyone in her past that's just not

true

you're fired get out of here

talk of that FBI chiefs say that about

me

phone you said you're the greatest

there's nobody better

well okay I multiply the Land

Development contract for you

that'll be the last criminal act she's

gonna be involved in

somebody's following us

and while you're at it you turn up the

air

[Music]

can't get around this stupid car and our

microphone is stuck in a limo sunroof

[Applause]

glad I'm not that guy

[Music]

let's go

[Music]

okay

[Music]

what's going on hey how did those two

cars switch positions

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

all right

[Music]

pressed her interrogate the chauffeur

walk the dog

fast must come down

[Music]

how could I help you

I'll tell you how I pull some strings

and got you a point of warden at Club

Fed you got me a point of the warden but

I got a criminal record that's why

you're not a perfect man for the job I

want you to steal money out of clubfan

frame one of the criminals I'll bust the

convict and expose the Scandal on a

major press conference and then Bob fed

will be overthrown the criminals will

have to serve the time you got real bars

and a filthy scar will learn that crime

doesn't pay

and we could split whatever I steal

you stupid idiot I'm Gonna Keep all the

money for myself

I'm Gonna Keep all the money for myself

which convict we're gonna bust that's my

department

all we have to do is make sure that the

person we frame is naive gullible and

unsuspecting

I know just the person

[Music]

[Music]

my gosh don't tell me

I forgot to pay the electric bill

[Music]

you stupid Ludacris liberal jackass

you're out of here

[Applause]

all right thank you gang terrific now

let me introduce my next guest he's one

of my biggest Heroes a great American

the director of the FBI let's hear it

for Vince Hooligans

[Music]

this let me tell you it's really a

pleasure to have you on my show and you

know you probably have heard about this

new federal program which is about to

begin for the white collar criminals let

me tell you here you're probably sitting

in in the stupid magazine here it's uh

it's a place called Club

fed a very minimum security prison come

on give me a break

[Applause]

get them get this folks it features a

Club Fed

a revolutionary

rehabilitation program

[Applause]

this is ludicrous Vince how do you feel

about this stupid thing

Wally

it makes me sick

[Applause]

yeah

these are criminals not tourists

like Swindle innocent people out of

millions of dollars every year and we

give it an all-expense paid vacation

I am so utterly repulsed these are

criminals they're they're the

incorrigible unredeemable Vermin the

scum and drinks of society there is no

way they deserve this Royal Treatment

there's no way this club fed program

will work

foreign

[Music]

and where there are criminals there is

crime and I guarantee you my friends

that one of these criminals at clubfit

is going to commit a significant

unlawful act and when that happens my

fellow Americans I promise you when that

happens Club Fed will be closed down

forever

all right

oh lost a fortune you know sir sir uh

I've got that that radio station you

want whoa whoa hold on to the camera

yes yellow uh-huh of course I know how

to play the game yes yes whoa that's

right what's the question

whoa whoa hold up

what was Lincoln's Last Words Lincoln's

Last Words give me five seconds like

everybody else did what was Lincoln's

last word uh what I got it hold it what

is it good seats

right here

good seats

yes of course I know everything

yes I'll put my assistant on there you

just send the money oh you just earned

your salary into twenty thousand dollars

can you hold please it's not so great

sir we can't do this with a new bright

banking regulations it's completely

unauthorized you're telling me we can't

do it no hey hey I pay you a lot of

money get the subsidiary make the deal

you could go to jail

me I would love it

I'm not going to jail nobody's gonna

find out

when will you ever learn my son that

thou shalt not steal

I think it's time I close this case and

excuse me

just my well-deserved vacation

convicted he could pay

ambitious and controversial program that

I for one am in favor of

[Music]

come in

I'm sorry you probably want to be left

alone

me up you fool

hey you know this reminds me of a guy I

once knew in Ohio

agent 976 lovely pink Puffin aromatics

just call me 976. 976 you'll be doing

fine work in the white collar division

I'm proud of you I know you do for a

vacation I've been doing such great work

I'm gonna give you a special bonus this

year a two-week all expense paid

vacation to Club Med that's great thank

you very much sir ah actually it's not

club man it's Club Fed but don't worry

they have all the sports and

recreational facilities you could ever

want Club Fed but no need to thank me

actually there is because while you're

having a great time I want you to do a

little undercover work for me you see I

have reason to believe that one of the

inmates is trying to embezzle funds from

clubfet and I want you to uncover the

guilty party and come up with some

evidence of corruption you want me to go

to Club Fed for my vacation it's

beautiful

love it

to go undercover as a corrupt investment

banker who's been arrested for insider

trading and stock manipulation now don't

let anyone know your identity not the

inmates not the staff definitely not the

war oh I'm sorry sir but I'm not really

that interested in going to a minimum

security prison for my vacation

I want you to stay close to this woman

and protect her

from your report I have reason to

believe that there might be an attempt

made on her life now she's our number

one suspect and if she's the guilty

party I want her

turning again

I've asked myself when

baby this time it's real

or maybe it's just all make believe

but I can't believe what I feel this

must be magic

[Music]

you it's magic

[Music]

I'm so glad I

am

[Applause]

[Music]

start US Dollars

sorry I thought you were someone else

patient 976 it's lovely pink puff and a

romantic spring I'm depending on you

be careful although Club Fed is a

magnificent Resort is also a Haven for

Sen immorality and iniquity

oh I better take this with me then

certainly no I got it

now remember I stayed close to that

woman to keep your eyes open at all

times and uncover any signs of

corruption that you may find and also

don't forget have a wonderful vacation

sure I will uh with your help we've got

a closed Club Fed forever and send those

criminals behind real bars instead of an

on a vacation where some liberal judges

handed them in court

topless

I have some good news

I have some bad news

the bad news is

for the crimes of embezzlement

and misappropriation of funds

and sentencing you to 40 years

the good news is that you qualify for a

brand new luxurious prison which we got

going for us right now bailiff came with

almost more about it yes I can judge

there's now a new government plan that's

exclusively for white-collar criminals

who have made at least 200 million

dollars a year you Angelica

paziotopoulos will be spending your next

29 999 nights and 30 000 days at the

very elegant and exclusive

Club fed that's right Club Fed

translated that means minimum minimum

minimum minimum security prison

it has it all custom-made Bungalows

trained professional Personnel on staff

catering to your every whim luxury

automobiles at your disposal including

the limousines Ferraris Gremlins all

with unlimited mileage you'll be flown

first class to Club Fed on take a risk

Airlines and you may use your frequent

flyer coupons but should you cancel your

reservation you'll receive another

criminal charge

Club Fed Sports and recreational

activities include a championship golf

course that Golf International magazine

calls and astonishing golfing experience

for any incarcerated man there's also

tennis scores basketball courts a race

track wind searches

Diamonds and Pearls we're just a bunch

of bad boys and girls if

you could do it all over again

[Music]

[Music]

fat but we look real

real cute there's no one getting over on

the man with the gun and time sure flies

[Music]

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Music]

if you're a nature lover you'll drill

the club fence magnificent Trails

currently under construction is a club

bed studio theme park and Space Center

no wonder the wind criminals think

prison term they think Club bed

newsworld magazine says clubfit is the

type of place that people would

literally kill for there's more

customized bundles the 24 hour Bella

room service it's beauty and hair salons

amazing cut this ordinary criminal

trying to break in sir hey I'm No

Ordinary criminal I robbed over 257 11s

get them out of here come on

oh hello Angelica topless

oh whatever

uh I'm bird Boyle you're Warden and host

Charmed I'm sure

and this is Vice President Kruger

and the governor Fishman

and our own mayor was ill

I'm very sure that you're going to be

happy with our accommodations it's so

nice to have such a elite criminal

staying with us

oh you got that

um but but don't get me wrong I'm not

complaining

he said American Express here

Ah that's what the chief is gonna frame

[Music]

that Japanese company

that's me my name is Jordan Rush from

Channel putz you're Jordan Rush oh I

watched your this is my assistant

morning Minch how you doing

looking people out of hundreds of

millions of dollars

and you've just been voted the world's

most successful criminal we got it we

got it I told you

what are your plan to do now

Club fans

[Applause]

[Music]

all right

careful that Louis Vuitton luggage for

your information don't just light up

pick it up

they're all such little people

uh let me apologize for the ineptitude

Ms Rich I'll make sure it never happens

again you better

so

um Boyle welcome to Club Fed

[Music]

thank you

call me Bert

only if you call me

later tonight

tell me Warden

is there anything a convict can do

around here to win

special favors

[Music]

but why don't you come up and visit me

later tonight and we'll discuss it

meanwhile I'll show you the rest of the

grounds

[Music]

everything

allow me

here we are Angelica the princess Suite

custom designed to your satisfaction

[Music]

your Princess Robot I don't make

the window

I'm sure even you will find everything

to your satisfaction enjoy your sentence

here

can't believe all this I mean it's too

good to be true

I don't deserve it oh I'm sure you do no

I really don't

see I didn't commit any crimes

I'm not bad enough for this place

come on

don't be so honest I'm sure you're as

Dastardly and to pray and say come come

gosh you must be dreaming this is

everything I've ever wanted

beautiful pink room

canopy bed

and a transvestite

wearing a pink silk chiffon roll with

marable coloring cuffs

I never really wanted to kind of be bed

don't tell me

am I in the wrong room

thought these panties were a little

tight

foreign

[Music]

allow me to introduce myself

my name is Polk

Howard Polk

posiotopolis

Angelica

very enchanting

There Goes My mind

I'm very sorry about the mix-up I I told

the bellhop I didn't think this was my

room but he insisted

I'll uh

get my things together and leave you

alone well maybe this is your room no I

don't think so the wallpaper's pink

there's a heart-shaped bathtub and a

closet full of cocktail dresses and

formal evening gowns that don't fit me

especially in the hips

oh well if you're absolutely certain

[Music]

it's my pleasure meeting you

[Music]

I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of

each other

uh since we're both in jail together at

all

hey you'd never tell a girl to shut up

would you

no

of course not

I'm just not used to meeting many

gentlemen

I guess my type doesn't attract them oh

don't you underestimate yourself

you're kind and sweet and I'll bet

you're also great in board games

I did win this win a selling game once

in third grade

would you like to accompany me to the

club fed string quartet yeah I'd be

honored I'm really looking forward to it

Howard

be a chump poke

she's the number one suspect

[Music]

hello this is the Swiss National Pacific

Bank

my name is Angelica and I'd like to open

up a savings account I'll be making

large deposits into this account

I'd like somebody to call me every day

at 12 P.M

and at dystopian Los Angeles time and as

for me my number is 213-550-0824

you can view my account

nope nope problem I'll facts over all

the pertinent information

thank you sweetie pie

thank you

yeah who is it

hey chief your plans in action

I told you not to worry everything's

under control

today a privilege tour of the greatest

state of Club Fed we offer a fine

wonderful escort service

and you simply won't believe that kind

of luxury that money can buy we have

beautiful lovely bar and it's going down

over here

foreign

Boyle your host and Warden and indeed

it's a a great pleasure to greet you

find criminals

although you've all probably have seen

uh many of our wonderful opportunities

we have here this is not a vacation

you want Centennial to have a good time

Club Fed is offering you

a revolutionary experimental work

rehabilitation program I knew it was a

catch this place no getting nothing in

this world for nothing hold on a moment

Reverend huh

we think you're the best criminals in

the world we're confident that if we put

you back into the corporate world with

therapists and the licensed

professionals working with you studying

and analyzing your business techniques

you could be transformed into a

legitimate successful business people

wait hold on wait wait a minute I mean I

mean I mean Mr Boyle I mean I mean if

we're going to be working at a club fed

I mean well what happens to the money

that we're going to earn I mean who who

gets that okay Harrison good question

All the Monies will go into a special

account and be distributed to the

various Charities that we set up

especially for this experiment I am

going to administer the distribution

charity

you're not kidding I think donating the

money to charity is a wonderful idea

well maybe I should just get something

to break both of your legs so you'll

qualify

please we're a family

hey wait a minute this is a golden

opportunity for you to do what you do

best and that's to earn a great deal of

money

all you have to do is attend class work

with the counselors and then go to group

therapy therapy what am I not what is

this a medical center you give me back

my cable TV show

I heal all you [ __ ]

but there's nothing wrong with me

well if you're not interested I can

arrange for you to be a relocated to a

maximum Acuity prison that if you're a

little lucky the jail cell might have a

light bulb

oh we love Punk fed

yeah

I always wanted a therapist of my own

well folks enjoy the rest of the week

and I'll see you

Monday morning at six a.m

[Music]

sacrilegious oh God they send you to a

federal prison and then they expect you

to work hey hey it could be worse you

know we could be locked up in a jail

cell with a lummox named Braun that's a

coincidence my name is Braun

I think we better get these guys to skip

the hot oil part of the massage huh

FBI headquarters hello agent 976 lovely

pink puff and aromatic spray

350-40-7462

I'd like to speak to the director

okay oh

it's about your motivation yeah what do

you do

you just said you wanted to speak to the

director I was talking about the

director of the FBI

are we filming now

okay I just wanted to say you're doing a

great job oh your acting is totally

believable okay it was until the scene

um

lion Anita I'd like to speak to the

director

thank you

I'd like to speak to the director

hello

what have you come up with please call

me 976

uh nothing yet

I'm not to worry I should be out of here

in about one week

over

foreign

hey wait a minute Polk I want to talk to

you a minute

what were you talking to install

put that flush it around here let's go

back to the Bungalow

all right but I refuse to work with

Gordon Boyle again do you know the last

time he wanted me to dress up in his

great grandmother's clothes and beat him

with her cane

I was wondering where you got those

therapeutic mesh stuff

hold on do it again oh hurt me now oh my

god oh could she be guilty of that what

is she guilty of you know

we should work in the most exceptional

outstanding and simple

escort Jones in the whole wide world

now I'm a religious man believe me

they're unbelievable now if you'll

excuse me I got a little consultation to

attend to what

is

10.

he thinks he's such a ladies man

I don't buy it

oh oh Reverend oh wait for us

[Music]

[Applause]

gosh if I had known it was this formal I

would have worn underwear

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

perhaps you'd be more comfortable if you

went to a wrestling match you you

problem

if the little lady will not be quiet

perhaps the little lady Who you calling

ladies ladies excuse me

softly otherwise some people become

annoyed

it's also not a great time to pop your

gum here

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

I didn't know I ordered room service

I just thought I'd knock on your door

find out if you wanted anything

there must be something around here

can't keep calling in saying nothing

nothing

wow

hello there

okay let's see

attractive

that's bust

hello

beat me with me make me how make me bark

yeah right

this is going to hurt me more than it is

going to hurt you

[Music]

what you get a leverage that much oh I

can't huh hey I do this every day in

real life oh yeah well it's illegal you

just integrated Downstream didn't you

huh did you have any capital on the

table not a scent well that is

completely different because I am a man

of God am doing it for the church

Hallelujah

come on my team's still illegal

game more interesting yeah you tell me

how no more business ethics

come again no more business effort

are you talking brother

that's it clean up around here that

couch is filthy and when you're through

with that I want the windows clean and

the floors wet if anyone calls for me

I'll be in Palm Springs

[Applause]

this is

Angelica no comprendo

sorry

[Music]

no it's fine

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

Angelica why don't you wear your glasses

more often I think it would make a

really big change in your life

and everyone else is around you

shallica you look beautiful and bifocals

it's what's inside a person that counts

inside you are very beautiful

[Music]

probably the nicest thing

and if it doesn't bother you I'll wear

my glasses

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

will be the creation

and I will be reading from the Latin

text

Faith pray are they

[Music]

speaking in tongues

Hallelujah

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

come back

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

thank you

Angelica I'll be right back there seems

to be a little backstabbing going on

here

will be for women's owning

and the subject will be

intimacy and procreation

[Music]

you got those women rolling in the

aisles I bet huh Hallelujah you never

know the spirit's gonna move

I've never seen this statue before how

grotesque must be the work of Satan you

know something you're perfectly right

I've never seen anything more hideous

and repulsive my entire life I'm going

to recommend that they dispose of this

immediately

today we're going to begin reading books

Moby Dick the story of a whale do you

like to read

yes I'm very well read and I love animal

stories one of my favorites is

Cat and the Hat Comes Back

oh what about uh Horton here's a Who

yeah one fish two fish one fish

and then we'll read pygmalia oh I love

pigs

[Music]

food

[Music]

good morning class I am Professor Les

pilot

fat so I am here to teach you about

ethics this is ridiculous you want me to

take a class in ethics this is a bunch

of [ __ ]

mm-hmm

[Music]

[Music]

next time I'll put you in the corner

with a dance cop

[Music]

today we are going to discuss the

approved methods of behavior in the

business world turn your textbooks to

page 2943.

okay

Angelica why do you have a deposit slip

from a Swiss bank in your purse Mr Paul

if you have something so interesting to

say maybe you'd like to share with the

rest of the class

why does Angelica have a Swiss savings

account

how could she have made a transaction

yesterday from Club Fed

possible that I've fallen in love with a

Criminal

those are real breasts

and if they're not do I have to keep

them away from highly flammable areas

[Music]

why

[Music]

gosh I'll never get to 2943

hello Reverend I'm going to be

monitoring and supervising your religio

ethical efficiency

what you question my Divine

Enlightenment child this is blasphemy I

could have you stoned but turned into a

leper please Reverend

it's been a long day

we're going to play a game called suffer

the consequences if you can prove to me

that you can conduct your Affairs

legitimately

you will win the game I will step aside

and leave you alone

however every time you do something

fraudulent or unethical one of your

possessions

will be confiscated

what is this

[Music]

all right I think we can begin

I'm looking for a tax shelter

and I have about seven million dollars

to invest

well well you come to the right person

I got this church I'm about ready to

tear down on some valuable land in New

Jersey

I'm sorry Reverend you're trying to

defraud me

let's see

I think I'll take your escort

please come with me man

you think you're doing this is

like some Mr

s and I will not allow her to be

Manhattan like that young man you are

officially cursed

all right I think you know how to play

the game

remember follow the rules or suffer the

consequences

[Music]

it's up to

now remember Harris no illegal or

unauthorized technique is that

understood yes it's understood

I just don't understand Ron you still

think it's necessary for me to be

electronically rigged

shock treatment in rats is always useful

yes rats rats am I a rat for rats or

people who do things illegal you know

cheat lie

better get a little oops oh hope nobody

noticed

as long as I'm not too obvious

see this is good

[Music]

now you know I don't have the capital to

take out a loan but

do you suppose that you can help me I

mean what do you think you can do for me

you want a loan

this is Harrison you're talking to don't

worry about it I will personally oversee

your loan Braun and and you'll qualify

what was that that's 1 000 volts and

it'll increase each time you do

something bad like cheat steal life are

you kidding I was just trying to help

you out Braun

[Music]

get you plugged

what is he screaming about

[Music]

looks like I'm gonna use a nine iron

what about you well I I don't know

Brianna I'm in that trap there probably

use a pitching wedge look you know I

don't know if I should buy that business

the numbers don't seem to match

you're gonna be able to help me or not

you need help

sure hey you promise not to tell anybody

Broan I'll get you one for 110 percent

whoa whoa you don't talk to me anymore

no no more No No loan for you Brawn no

more though look at me

I'm becoming luminous

I'm the Luminous man

can't punish him for being a lousy

golfer oh well maybe I'll see what's

down here

[Music]

um

thank you

[Music]

I don't get it

yeah I was right

[Music]

this is demonic and profane every deal I

propose to raise money for the boy and a

needy you tell me it's illegal

would you please turn up the heat please

be scrupulous Reverend I'd beg you

nobody wants your underwear all right I

think I has a solution I am willing to

take a capital Gamble and transfer all

the investors Capital into one of my

non-profit organizations now in a short

time

[Music]

does anybody have a fig leaf

[ __ ] took off the furniture

[Music]

[Music]

this guy really knows how to live

[Music]

oh Reverend

you're not the punk

[Music]

Preacher Man thank you so much for

saying me free

now that Betty said she's free

your brother

is ready

today we will begin our group therapy

session

which will hopefully enable us to better

understand ourselves who we are and why

we have chosen a life of crime I decided

to focus my attention on Sally rich and

I've asked Harrison and Reverend Tessler

to role play her parents foreign

[Music]

I don't know what's the matter with our

daughter darling she's constantly

stealing from the charity boxes supposed

to be going to the poor underprivileged

people in the third world country what's

wrong with that she's really a good girl

I mean look she needs time she didn't

mean to steal or murder anyone

she's also a harlot

I caught it in bed with the mailman the

Milkman and the Butler and all at the

same time too

yes of myself that's what I'm talking

about she gives of herself to everybody

face the fact darling our daughter is

deviant unscrupulous and a [ __ ]

[Music]

and those are her best qualities

thank you

oh thank you I can't believe it

[Music]

I've checked out several of the inmates

sir I haven't got anything yet what's

that matter with you you should have

found something by now I want

check the blonde Bimbo's room again

don't worry sir if there's anything

going on illegal here I'll get our man

[Music]

or woman

hey hey who are you talking to on the

telephone

my uh my electrologist

oh I have this terrible problem with

unruly nasal hair as you can see

get away from me I don't trust you for a

minute I don't know what you're up to

but I swear I'm gonna watch every movie

you make till I find out what's going on

here don't think I'm not aware of every

little thing that goes on

[Music]

why don't you buzz off hey you

remember what I said

is a serious [ __ ]

I'm Angelica

Say It Ain't So I just want to tell you

how it did being here

and the greatest time of my life

because of you

first person who's ever treated me with

dignity and respect

he helped me to gain self-confidence and

even some measure of Grace and

refinement

I think we've both had enough to drink

allow me how

to help

[Music]

you know Angelica

you should always remember

that it's a terrible thing to break the

law

you should always try to be a good

law-abiding person

something else

that's another reason why I love you

why

I admire you so much

foreign

[Music]

waiter yes sir could you remove this

table please yes sir right away

[Music]

[Music]

thank you

[Music]

yes yes it is I'd like to transfer some

money into my account sweetie

what is your account number 314-9212

yes

thank you very much

please Harris Tess please stop it I'm

you're making me nervous look I'm

insecure enough none of us has even met

this real estate syndicated before

you're such a worry bird test you know

that don't you I can't believe you here

we are doing business legally for the

first time in our lives and you look

like somebody who's having a difficult

time with menopause well I'm sorry Tess

this is the new me I'm merely asserting

my femininity

Tess are you lucky you're not a woman

come in

hello boys hi how do you do

you must be friends and you must be

abnormal

you're just going through a phase don't

apologize for me Tess let's just cut to

the quick okay

everybody knows you're losing money

everybody knows that nobody's buying

your houses right and the market is dead

it's a dead market so what I've done I'm

about to take everything all of your

houses off your hands I'm buying

everything

I'm giving you a fair price and here

here's the contract

ah

proud of both of you you have actually

made a legal business deal

congratulations oh good now maybe I'm

getting my shorts back

could you hold on just one moment I'm

putting my associate on the line

all right Angelica go ahead and close

the deal

I can't do this I don't have any

experience and I certainly don't have

the background or formal training to

talk to a vice president of a major

company hey don't be intimidated you

don't need any background or formal

training to succeed in business

all you need is common sense and

practical decision making and you've got

that

yeah wait wait wait

you can do this All yourself

you don't need those glasses

hello this is Angelica speaking

I want you to get all the employees

together you've got the funds in place

let's get this leverage buyout buyout

done

just make sure the chairman of the board

gets his half million in cash

what

doing you know that's not legal

um

well well

I finally caught you doing something

illegal I didn't know what it was but I

knew you were up to no good

we try to give people like you a break

poke but you don't deserve it

you're the scum of the Earth

and I'm here to see that you suffer

yeah a darling Oh no no not bad not

Joshua

[Music]

[Music]

forgive me Reverend

for I have sinned haven't we all

I remember when I was a little baby look

sister save us all a lot of time I was

just asking for forgiveness and would

call it a day Hallelujah

I was the only baby in the family

my mommy and daddy's spoiled me they

were always bringing me wonderful Foods

the toy the teddy bear training bra oh

what was that I heard about a training

bro they popped me up with good strong

Traditional Values

but unfortunately

I Fell in Love with a Criminal Who

Framed me

and I promised myself I would never let

that happen again

oh Reverend

I think I'm falling in love with another

Criminal

I knew she couldn't resist me

pardon listen sister

[Music]

but he's a criminal look we all flesh

Under the Skin now you just asking for

forgiveness lest we forget

cometh thy neighbor as thyself

I think I got

[Music]

it now over here I have something I know

you're going to love

it was constructed during the neoto post

patio period

called demon with large feet

Angelica

we have nothing to

do a hundred dollars ma'am I want you to

look at these feet Angelica I know how

upset you must be but

I had a very very good reason for acting

the way I did oh Howard I am so

disappointed in you

I mean you of all people

you've always preached to me the

importance of being honest and

trustworthy

because

she should be telling you this but

I am an undercover agent for the FBI

please don't insult me I'm not a bimbo

anymore

fifteen hundred dollars

fifteen hundred dollars do I hear

Seventeen hundred dollars Angelica if

you don't believe me here's my

identification card come on that looks

nothing like you

well that's because I'm undercover now

Angelica I had to protect my cover so I

pretended to be crooked

please please you've got to believe me

you just asking for forgiveness and we

call it a day

today oh how Ard horse I believe you I'm

sorry for every doubting you I should

have used my common sense

two thousand dollars two thousand

dollars two thousand dollars once two

thousand dollars twice two thousand

dollars

to the woman sitting next to the

undercover FBI agent

Angelica

this is your phone bill from your

bungalow

apparently you've been making an awful

lot of calls to Switzerland

not me

the only long distance calls I made were

to stop Yemen fair and Norway and it's

only because I accidentally dialed too

many numbers

well apparently all these calls were

made right around noon time

almost noon now why don't we go back to

your bungalow

[Music]

this is ridiculous you wouldn't know

anything about that would you foreign

gracias

Nick gracias is the only word I speak or

understand in Spanish

if only we had something else to go on

besides deposit slips and my phone bill

I have a feeling that any second we are

going to get a phone call that's going

to help us bust this thing wide open

yes she is may I ask who's calling

Swiss National Pacific Bank

uh what is this regarding

really

well who asked you to call here

I see

no she will not be transferring any

money today

um

could I get the number you're calling

from please

thank you very much

I was told to call this number every day

at noon

here at noon exactly

however someone is picking up this phone

and transferring funds into a dummy

account under your name

that Boyle has implicated in all this

somehow

you've been doing this as long as I have

you tend to have a visceral deep-seated

inborn innate intuitive instinctive

inherent intrinsic

I don't know what you call it

ammunition

for lack of a better word

pay Mr Boyle a little visit I'll meet

you at the party this shouldn't take me

very long

no

whoever is doing this is very dangerous

now Angelica I don't want you involved

in this any more than you already are

stay away from Bert's office

man

hey

what do you think with all this luggage

I'm afraid I'm going off by myself I'm

gonna leave you behind but first I gotta

tie you off over here

too tight white man well

what you're going to do to me white man

you're going to a spoil and violate me

aren't you a white man

okay great

you know I'm originally from

Indianapolis

[Music]

oh

[Music]

yes yes

if either one of you see Howard no

no I know it may be a little difficult

for you

but really I think I'm worth the wait

huh

apparently Boyle opened up two savings

accounts one under Angelica's name and

one under his

stole money from the club fed charity

fund and and deposited it into her

account using the phone from her

Bungalow when she wasn't there that he

later transferred it into his account

using a private telephone everything

conveniently

incredible job ah you accomplished

exactly what I wanted to do I'm so proud

of you agent 97

do me a favor call me Howard

I'm Nina is this the party line

no no

hey Howie

what's that a Swiss savings account

number of boils you know I'll need that

to transfer the money to safe keeping

three four nine one two

wonderful

dirty double crosses you're not going to

get away with that I've got to set up a

press conference for tomorrow morning at

6 00 A.M

really is and send those criminals back

behind maximum security bars where they

belong what are you talking

the criminals didn't do anything wrong

it was boiled

hello

hello

I could hold the money spoil an Angelica

get busted

club that is overthrown what a great way

to end this day uh

thanks to you hooligan knows I have

money in my account and he's planning a

great big double cross but he's not

going to get away with it because I'm

just transferring my money to a

different account I'm out of here just

after the press conference it wouldn't

be interesting taking me along would you

have a nice smile terrific personality

and I know a lot of great bed and

breakfast places sorry I'm tying you up

down the basement eventually somebody's

gonna find you but it's going to be too

late

I got this nice bun for my birthday and

I've been just waiting to use it and

you're the perfect person for it yeah

I'm sure I'll get a big bang out of it

you know

before I

why I turn to a life of crime

but you tame me you have transformed me

and and given me a new lease on life oh

God you're wonderful I feel like singing

It's on your world

[Music]

God for me

I have you

[Music]

been the press conference yeah precise 6

a.m or when you're gonna join your

ancestors uh Angelica will be arrested

for a moment wait Bert wait wait if I

were you I

hit myself up

stolen an incredible amount of money

from charity you're about to kill an

innocent man and framing it as a woman

for murder come on go hey when could I

buy all the testable persons like

yourself possibly do after this for an

encore

you got me on that one

[Music]

yes

[Music]

where is he big guy I don't know I was

just asked to guard this door

[Music]

hey Angelica get out of here there's a

five set to go off any minute save

yourself

don't worry Howard I know how to

disconnect bombs you do yes

I don't like the sound of that music

prepared to meet your maker uh could we

please take this disagreement to a

different place there's a Bob about to

go off here

I'm going to kill you with my bare hand

I don't know who you are or what you

want but I'm a little bit busy right now

do you think we can talk later oh that

sounds like a good idea maybe we could

all go bowling or something

I'm going to win to enjoy

it

what not to worry Howard I just

disconnected the positive and negative

circuit this bomb is not going up

how did you know what to do when I lived

with Louie he used to get bombed sent to

him all the time oh you lived with my

Louie

I think I managed to unbutton my right

sleeve who do you want to donate your

organs to

maybe we should reconsider that bowling

idea that sounded like a lot of fun

[Music]

any dying requests I'd like to get

married have children a big house

people

get back

[Music]

wait wait wait

you would hit a girl with glasses on

would you please let her take her

glasses off first

I'll let you take your glasses off

you're gonna die before you can see your

life pass before you

pick up your glasses

[Music]

yeah I was right about that sleeve

what happened to her oh it's a long

story come on let's get out of here

you really are something you know that

I don't know what was more impressive

you're beating up that Neanderthal woman

or disarming the bomb

[Music]

I think beating up the Neanderthal woman

welcome ladies and gentlemen

I call this press conference to make the

public aware of what has been going on

here at Club since it's opening the FBI

has had a an undercover agent posing as

a convict working behind the scenes and

due to his fine work we have exposed the

corrupt system of this so-called penal

Institution

matter of fact we have compiled

conclusive proof that one of the inmates

namely

Angelica puzzle upper loser has been

stealing money from the club fed that

has been designated for charity I

promise that she will be prosecuted to

the fullest extent of the law

this just goes to show you that once a

criminal always a criminal and this

Mickey Mouse operation is nothing more

than a waste of the taxpayers money we

should never never give preferential

treatment to Crooks just because they

happen to be rich

now we can put them back where they

belong in the first place behind bars

and we will close the gates of Club Fed

forever

[Music]

something very disturbing is Ultimate

brought to my attention it seems that

this uh pair of bumpalos was not alone

in her operation there was another

person besides possible octopus who was

misappropriating funds and what is so

shock and so disheartening is that he is

not one of the criminals he is

we must have silence

arrest man immediately

as I was saying what is so shocking

he is an employee

[Music]

I used to think that it was a close

personal friend of mine he used to weed

at each other's houses for dinner no I

set him up with his third wife when I

was sick he donated the kidney in front

of a colonist spleen now I know that he

is a criminal and an attempted murderer

he has none other than Birds

foreign

six lovely pink pump and aromatic spray

the undercover agent assigned to this

case and I have proof that yes there was

a misappropriation of funds but it was

Vince hooligan and vert Foyle who were

responsible not Angelica patsyotopoulos

oh I have been here and I have been part

of this system

I have seen hardened lifelong criminals

rehabilitated before my very eyes

Club Fed should be allowed to continue

because Club bad works

[Applause]

before Club Fit I was Vain and

materialistic I was very much into my

looks all I wanted was diamonds Furs a

winter retreat in Palm Springs a ski

chalet and St maritz Park Avenue

Apartment assorted vintage touring

sedans late model Sports

I think they get the idea

well my point is that I wanted those

things and I didn't care how I got them

now I still want those things but I care

how I get them

I think everybody should spend at least

six months at clubfit to learn the

difference between right and wrong and

to acquire knowledge self-respect and

sophistication

thank you

[Applause]

[Music]

person

[Music]

[Applause]

Ally

I came here

[Music]

as a senate

I know who I was brought

not only do I regret everything that

I've done but I also intend to pay back

all the people that I've taken advantage

of

as I know we all wants to do hallelujah

hallelujah

[Applause]

thank you for coming to Club Fed

Harrison and the Reverend lived happily

ever after

FBI director Vince hooligan got 20 years

in a Maximum Security Prison where he

commissioned his mother to write his

memoirs

Sally Rich was never discovered

running away from the law for over 20

years

captured but has however won marathons

all over the world

as for me I became the FBI director and

married Angelica who became the new Ward

we later went on to star in Club Fed 2 3

4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 through 19.

foreign

[Music]

[Music]

we'll keep them playing

until the end a rock and roll will never

Bend

we're living fast we're leaving loud

our hearts are beating like a dropping

crowd

we are the rebels we are the ones

our music geckos like a thousand guns

we're driving down the open road our

Spirits High a bashing glowed we're

chasing dreams that seem so far we're

racing head like shooting stars we'll

never stop we'll never give in our fire

burns like a violin we'll keep them

playing until the end a rock and roll

will never Bend we're living fast we're

leaving now

we are the rebels we are the ones

our music geckos like a thousand guns

[Music]

[Music]

thank you

we're living fast we're leaving now

[Music]

our music geckos like a thousand guns

[Music]

[Music]