Original subtitles

This is my nightmare.

The film which you are about to see

is the dramatized account of numerous tales

and rumors surrounding sacred lands

on the outskirts of a small desert town.

Originally home to ancient tribes

that were known to strip off and consume the flesh

of their enemies to gain their knowledge and talents,

it is believed that the descendants

of these tribes protect the land from pillagers, wanderers

and tourists.

Some even claim to have witnessed

the ritualistic practices continuing to this day.

Now, I know what you're thinking...

This part of our story is not very humorous,

although our protagonist did in fact eat the meat

right off of the "humerus"

which is attached to the funny bone nerve,

but the events that follow would lead to the discovery

of one of the most bizarre mysteries

in stand-up history,

the debut of the original Cannibal Comedian.

You know, I don't know why you were running.

You got the guts.

Mm...

Yeah, that's gonna make a spicy meatball.

You know...

...'cause I'm a cannibal, right?

What do you get when you put a 60-year-old woman

in a motorized wheelchair?

Fast food, am I right?

He knows, he knows.

I was dating this girl.

We, you know, ended up separating.

Well, to be honest with you,

I ended up separating her on my work bench.

Oh, I'm killing up here tonight.

I mean, I... I killed last night,

but I wasn't here.

Well, anyway, but I digest.

I know, I know.

"Oh, hello there. Would you like a meatball sub?"

No, that's stupid.

"Hey y'all, you want... you want some meatball?" Eh...

"Can I interest you in a meatball

submarine sandwich?" No.

Ah...

Knock knock.

Who's there? Cannibal.

Cannibal who?

Why are we stopping here?

I don't wanna miss DJ Electric Butterfly.

She's only playing tonight.

Take a chill pill, we won't miss it!

That gas station has...

...perfectly fine hot dogs.

You expect me to eat a hot dog from a gas station?

Whatever, I'm a sucker for meatballs, though.

- Hey, y'all, you hungry? - You betcha.

Two subs?

No? What?

What are you, one of those vegans or something?

I am, actually.

- How about you, boy? - No way, Jose.

- Yeah, that's what I thought. - Oh, I love myself

- a meatball sandwich, baby. - All right.

That'll be six big ones, chief.

Here you go,

- keep the change. - Uh. Thank you, my man.

I bet you don't get much business out this way.

Uh, I get some.

How's the sub?

These meatballs are off the chain, bro.

What's your secret?

Oh, you now, just a little preparation,

freshest ingredients and of course, sense of humor.

Okay, let's go.

- No refunds. - Huh?

Ouch,

that's a splitting headache.

♪ Your time has come ♪

Hey, hey, where you going?

I heard you're single.

Please.

Please help me.

There's a man back there, and he's trying to kill me.

He killed my boyfriend.

Pardon me, honey, I have terrible hearing.

You said you want a boyfriend?

No, my boyfriend's dead.

Please, unlock your car.

He's trying to kill me, he's gonna kill you too.

Oh sweetie, no one's going to kill me.

Hey, putz, watch my ride!

♪ With your blood ♪

♪ Your skeleton ♪

♪ Rattles in the wind ♪

Come on, get her already!

Keep her on ice for me!

I can't wait to get a taste of that one.

Where you been, Charlie?

Playing with your meat again?

I'll have the usual.

Did you keep your promise?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got her last night.

- She ground up good. - Oh, I love fresh meat. Mm!

Oh, yeah.

Well...

Bon appétit.

Oh, you still working on your comedy?

Eh. A little bit here and there.

It's nice that you have a passion.

It's, uh, it's gonna be good.

I'm trying out some new stuff on my guests tonight.

Oh, I have a friend, we should come down and see you.

- No, don't, you don't have to. - What, why?

Well, it's not quite ready yet.

We don't like it, we won't laugh, we don't judge.

Yeah, exactly.

That's not what I meant.

Oy, such a sensitive boy.

♪ I got it ♪

♪ Don't push it baby, ride it ♪

♪ I wanna fly away with you, baby ♪

♪ Let's get away tired of waiting ♪

♪ We're high in the clouds ♪

♪ Never wanna come ♪

♪ Down ♪

♪ I got it ♪

♪ Don't push it baby just ride it ♪

♪ I got it ♪

♪ Don't push it baby, ride it ♪

♪ I wanna take a drive with you, baby ♪

♪ Lay around all day just be lazy ♪

♪ On the beach ♪

♪ Feel the vibes ♪

♪ In the ocean, it's alive ♪

♪ I... ♪

♪ I got it ♪

♪ Don't push it baby, ride it ♪

♪ I... ♪

♪ Got it ♪

- ♪ Don't push it, baby ♪ - ♪ Don't push it, baby ♪

♪ Ride it ♪

Hey, you need some help, ma'am? Oh, shit.

Your car is smoking up a storm, come on in.

Bless your heart.

There are still wonderful people in this world.

No problem, where are we heading?

Oh, just up the road.

- You are as pretty as a peach. - Hey!

Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

Whatcha you doing way out here? A long way from home, aren't we?

Ah, I got a music gig at a festival out this way.

Talented and beautiful.

I bet you get all the boys.

Don't forget us little people when you become rich and famous.

I won't.

How much further up the road you do you live?

Just a little further.

So, are you meeting any friends or... or... or family out here?

Nope, just me. Well...

and my gran-gran.

How'd you get this gig, if you don't mind me asking?

Well, I entered a songwriter's competition

- and sent them my demo. - They liked it?

Well, obviously, they booked me.

Over here, right in here.

Nap time!

Ooh, you're a tough, little bitch!

Bitch gonna die!

Bitch gonna die!

Oh!

Oh, I'm gonna cut that bitch's ovaries out,

and I'm gonna poach them over avocado!

Oh!

What a show!

Encore, come on!

Everybody give a round of applause for Charlie,

the Cannibal Comedian.

Hey, how we all doing tonight?

Good.

So, uh, I was out with this girl last night.

She wasn't too pretty on the outside,

but, uh, as I say, "It's her insides that count."

Right?

I mean, it was only our first date

and she was already spilling her guts.

And then she started to get a little moody.

So, uh, I asked her, "What's eating you?"

And she said, "You are!"

What the fuck?

Hey, uh, it looks like we got a heckler out there.

Let me go!

You know, you're being extremely rude.

Are you serious?

- What is this? - What's going on?

I'm doing a comedy show, duh.

Who are you?

I'm Char... I'm Charlie.

I don't know what's happening...

...but I've got a big show to get to,

and people are expecting me.

What is that stench? It stinks in here.

Oh, you'll get used to that.

What?

You don't know who you're messing with!

I'll rip your fucking eyes out and shove them

so far down your throat,

you'll see me kick your fucking ass!

Oh.

Would I like to see that? Yes, I would.

Oh!

Feisty.

I like that.

Mm. Oh.

This is Sheriff Weaver.

I'm over here at the house on Desert Road.

Hmm.

- Hello, sir. - How can I help you?

It is hotter out here

than an M-80 up in an armadillo's ass.

Catch you at a bad time?

Uh, yeah, kind of. I was just sitting down to eat.

Reason I'm up this way, is the disappearance of a girl.

Huh?

Just the one?

Ooh.

She's so pretty, she could make a wild boar chirp.

Yeah, well, don't get any ideas, all right?

- She's all mine. - She alive?

- Yeah, with attitude. - Grind her up.

I will, I will.

You get too attached to your captives,

especially the pretty ones.

I'm sorry.

Didn't want you to see me without my face on.

So, where you got her shackled up at?

Oh, she's in the room.

So, what do you think of my performance just then?

- Believable? - Hmm... Mediocre.

Mediocre?

That there was some Oscar material.

Oh, what's that smell, is that beef stew that I smell?

Uh, no, well, I was just having some--

Come on in, then.

I'm so hungry.

I could eat a horse...

...and chase the jockey for the dessert!

You got a spoon? Mm.

Yeah, there we go.

Mm-mm.

So, you just talking in one liners now?

I got more lines than a coked-out rock star.

What would you know about that?

Whatever.

Hey, how's your comedy coming along?

- It's coming along. - Oh, yeah, yeah?

Tell me a joke.

Um. You, dipshit.

Oh, so you think you're gonna make

a career outta being a funny man?

And why wouldn't I?

'Cause you need to have an audience

to make it in these days.

I do have an audience.

I ain't talking about your captives,

they don't count.

Oh, they count.

I'm just trying to help.

Well, you're not.

You know, you got a real shit hole here.

Yeah, and I love it.

They really are, too.

Oh, come on down to The Funny Pit, would ya?

We're gonna feature comedians from television

and local favorites like Benny Bull Shorts

and Freaky Franky Fantastic.

We've got drink specials too, which is rare.

Every Monday is our open mic night.

So, even if you're not funny, you too can get on stage.

So, come on down and make us laugh

at The Funny Pit, would ya?

Oh, man, what a funny cartoon that I made.

Hi, I'm Carrey the Entertainer,

and if comedy makes you laugh, boy howdy,

do I got the place for you!

You should come down to The Funny Pit.

We got comedy, we got standup, we got it all!

And tickets are absolutely free

with the purchase of a three-drink minimum,

of course.

So, come on down and meet me, Carrey.

I'm the nicest guy around,

and I'm told I'm the funniest. Who's to argue?

So, don't forget this mug, Carrey, and come on down.

We're located in the middle of the desert, bye!

Did you...

♪ I had this emptiness inside me ♪

♪ I walk around every day ♪

♪ I wanna eat ya ♪

♪ But you won't stay ♪

♪ Soulless ♪

You know how hard it is to get out there

and do standup comedy?

You know, you've never even tried.

Look at you, sitting in that chair.

Never laughing, like you could have done it better.

You don't have the guts.

I am funny.

♪ When you're taken to the back room ♪

♪ When the hoods ripped off ♪

♪ You cannot deny ♪

♪ Before your eyes your inside ♪

♪ Blood-stained walls ♪

♪ His sadistic feelings climb ♪

♪ You try and call ♪

What?

Yes?

Did you dispose of Chrystal yet?

I want a taste of that pretty one.

- No, not yet. - Why not?

I'll get to her when I get to her, all right?

Hey!

You ready to play nice?

What the fuck, man?

I seen shows about guys like you.

Kidnapping, torturing people.

You sickos get off on that shit.

I'm not giving you the satisfaction, motherfucker.

- You won't? - No, I won't.

Okay, well, I'll just have to let you go then.

- Okay, good move. - Changed my mind.

- Why? - I mean, we just met.

Wouldn't you think it'd be a little rude?

Not rude at all, I'm okay with it.

- So, you're okay with staying? - Real funny.

- Think so? - No, I don't.

And now, TV 10 news.

Good evening, I'm Bart Cooper.

And this is the Valley Desert News.

Our top story tonight,

the strange disappearance of Chrystal Jennings.

Last seen leaving the country liquor market...

- Oh. - ...outside town,

she was on her way to play

- Well, this is a good bit. - ...a music festival

and shortly thereafter,

reported missing by her grandmother.

Chrystal, honey, it's granny.

I'm so worried,

- please come home. - Oh!

If anybody has her out there,

please, please let her go,

she's an angel.

And I just want her home.

That's some real compelling stuff.

In other news,

a local hunter lands a prize of a lifetime,

with a marriage proposal.

She said, "Yes," I guess you could say...

...the hunt is over.

The clowns didn't attack

until the fat lady sang?

I know, it's weird, isn't it?

But it's the truth.

Funny.

♪ It was like love at first sight ♪

♪ When I looked into your eyes ♪

♪ For the very first time ♪

♪ I knew ♪

♪ You felt it too ♪

♪ In this crowded room ♪

♪ Only you ♪

♪ Your love, love, love love, love, love, love ♪

♪ Is real ♪

♪ And I like the way it feels ♪

♪ Your love, love, love love, love, love, love ♪

♪ Is real ♪

♪ And I love the way it feels ♪

♪ Love, love, love love, love, love, love ♪

When they found the body of that

- eight-foot clown creature... - Uh, Chrys-- Chrystal?

...in the middle of my retrial,

yeah, that's when they believed me.

You okay, Bro?

Hell yeah, man.

Heavy hit, Dude.

Hey, we gotta find this stash, man.

The celebrity center, they don't fuck around.

- Right? Those kids are serious. - Right?

All right, all right, all right.

I know I triangulated myself between the North Star,

the radio tower over at Kearney, and...

that house over there!

You hear about that new movie Constipation?

- Yeah. - Hasn't come out yet.

- You like that? - I do.

All right, all right.

How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost

and a girl ghost?

Uh...

- Boobs! - That's... that's cute.

All right, no, that's cute.

No.

What?

Well, that guy must have taken it.

Let's see what this was.

I can't sell this.

That'd be illegal.

Hey, hey, hey!

You go in the front, I'll take the back.

I'll go in the front, you take the back.

- All right. - All right.

Yo! Bro. Dude.

Fucking scared the shit outta me.

The back door was opened.

Did you hear that?

Jackpot.

Bitch get freaky like that!

Yeah, let's get it on!

What'd she say?

Behind you!

Heavy hit...

No shit.

I like your voice!

Huh?

Your album, "Soulless," it's my favorite!

Figured you'd like that one.

Can you take your headphones off?

What?

You're talking real loud.

Oh! Oh, yeah.

You... you got some... got some good stuff here.

Definitely some hits.

Shit, if only you were the head of a major record label.

Yeah, lately they're coming straight to me.

I should open my own butcher shop.

Oh, smoked meat.

Oh.

Tell ya, you stoners are sure giving me the munchies.

I, uh... I can't do this.

What now?

Well...

Is this about the standup?

You're like a broken record, dude.

I don't know if I have it in me--

You spineless piece of shit.

You're never gonna amount to anything.

Why don't you just give me a break, man?

"Why don't you give me a break, man?"

I'm a standup comedian, damn it.

Oh, really?

Really.

Well, are you gonna go out and do the open mic or what?

I don't really know yet.

Pathetic.

You know, if you're so smart,

why don't you think of something?

We're the same person, dummy.

I am just as smart as you are.

Hmm.

Chrystal.

Jinx!

See what I gotta put up with here?

I don't know if I can do this.

I... I can't, I can't do--

Well, what do you think I should do?

Why are you asking me?

Because, you know, you're...

...you're a performer.

You've... you've experienced this before.

You know, the pressure.

The pressure?

That's nothing compared

to what you've been putting me through.

Jesus, I can't believe

I'm talking to you like a normal fucking person.

You brutally slaughtered two guys in front of me

the other day, and...

...I don't even know if you're gonna kill me.

Can we just focus on the problem at hand, please?

Focus?

Just go and do the show already.

When do you ever get out of this shit hole?

I get out, I venture out sometimes,

you know, not very far and maybe not for too long.

Well, maybe that's why you're such a psycho.

Or is it the poor toilet training?

Look,

if you want to do comedy for real, just fucking do it.

I mean, if you don't go to prison for murder

or anything.

You gotta take risks in life.

I'd rather fail trying than not try at all.

And that's my motto.

You know, maybe you're right.

Yeah, no, you're right.

You're right, I could do this.

Yeah, no, I'm... I'm going, I'm doing this.

Hey, Charlie.

So, uh, tonight's the big night, huh?

Sure is.

Mm.

You be careful now, hear? And you, uh, you break a leg.

Hey, thanks.

And don't forget to bring it home

while it's still fresh.

Right.

Hey! What are you doing?

Scoot over, you're not driving tonight.

Oh...

Your license is expired.

- They grow up so fast. - Move over.

Mm.

♪ I'm losing my cool ♪

♪ I feel like a fool ♪

♪ What's wrong with me ♪

♪ I wanna numb the pain ♪

♪ Never feel again ♪

♪ What's the point anyway? ♪

♪ Pushing and driving ♪

♪ Taking the wheel ♪

♪ I've been running around in quicksand ♪

♪ Never realizing ♪

♪ I'm locked up ♪

♪ Inside my head ♪

♪ I need to break free from this nonfictional prison ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ I'm locked up ♪

♪ Inside my head ♪

♪ I need to break free ♪

♪ My spirit has been burnt out ♪

♪ Come on, baby, light it up ♪

I have a twin brother.

Not identical.

Since the fire.

Oh, coming from work.

What else... what else? Uh...

- Hopefully nothing! - Shut the fuck up, Frank!

Hey, bud, you here for the open mic?

- Yeah. - First time?

Time to pop the cherry!

- Are you a comedian too? - No.

Just fucking with you, dude. Everyone here's a comic.

At least they think they are.

Especially this guy.

Here, uh, put your name on this

and we'll drop it in the pitcher over there,

and the emcee will call your name.

- You want something to drink? - No, I'm all right.

- You doing a character tonight? - What do you mean?

What's with the whole apron

and the bloody shirt?

- You a butcher or something? - Oh, a cannibal.

Nice, cannibal comic!

Yeah!

Ah, that's original, haven't seen that before.

So, I just deleted all the German names

from my phone.

It's now completely Hans free.

Will you light this guy already? Jesus.

Enough with the fucking running the light.

Don't be that guy, all right?

You get five minutes, man. Get off, don't be that guy.

Guess that's my time...

So, what do you say, Bruce?

Oh... Whatever you want, Carrey. I didn't even like those jokes!

So, you're not gonna say anything, right?

No way, man.

It's officially your material.

And this meeting, it never happened,

not ever in your life.

- What meeting? - Exactly.

We got a special guest coming for you guys.

A special treat.

Coming to the stage is Carrey the Entertainer!

Hey everybody! My name's Carrey.

Not to be confused with, uh, Jim Carrey.

Did you hear about that frog that parked his car

in the restricted zone?

Yeah, he got toad.

He got toad!

Yo!

You know, technology today, man, they're taking over our kids.

You know, I remember back in my day,

if a bully came up to me at school

and demanded lunch money, you just have to give it to 'em.

Now, it's like, "Hey, transfer me your lunch money

through the Cashapp."

You got bullies sending invoices now.

Do you accept yes or no?

Hell yeah.

Question for you, what do you call a midget,

that lies, cheats and steals, huh?

You call him a real low life!

'Cause he's a midget!

Sorry, little midget.

Out of respect.

I guess that's my time, folks, thank you so much.

Three-drink minimum...

Even Bruce's jokes suck.

Well, uh, welcome to open mic.

We about to get this thing started.

So, we got the next comic coming to the stage.

Uh, I've never seen him before,

but he calls himself the Cannibal Comedian, Charlie.

Is Charlie in the house?

Come on up, Charlie.

Give it up for Charlie, y'all.

Sorry. Hey, hi everybody.

Uh.

So--

So, I was going out with this girl the other night,

and, uh, she wasn't too pretty on the outside, but, uh,

well her insides sure were tasty.

I mean, she was already opening up to me, the first date,

uh, with the help of a fishing knife.

And, um... ...you know, she was real smart.

She had... she had big brains, they were delicious.

But, unfortunately I had to dump her the next day,

'cause, uh... the smell was getting pretty bad.

Oh, no.

I'm... I'm a starving artist,

but, uh, it's people like you guys

that really fill me up.

Yeah, so, um...

You know, I... I gotta admit,

not all my food has been as warm as you guys.

I occasionally enjoy a cold shoulder.

Anyway, I think that's my time, guys.

Uh, thank you. Appreciate it.

Dude, good set.

Thank you man, appreciate that.

- Hey, I'm Carrey. - Charlie.

Charlie, I loved your set.

Was this your first time up?

Yeah, yeah, actually-- Well, I've done it before, but...

- Uh-huh. - ...a little more, uh,

like an intimate thing.

Intimate... I know what you mean.

So, where have you been hiding, huh?

I didn't know standup was so popular here.

Oh! It is the main entertainment out here

in the boonies, let me tell you.

I mean, that and, uh, and meth.

So, I do a show here on Tuesdays,

I'm... ...kind of a producer.

Uh, no big deal.

And maybe you should come by and perform.

Wait, me?

- Yeah. - Shit, yeah.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay. So, we're tryna fill up this joint with bodies.

So, if you could bring some in, that'd be great.

And bring your A game too,

'cause a lot of competition comes through here, a lot of it.

And yeah, don't forget, your like, um...

- I don't know, this... - this, uh, getup.

It's great, love it.

Gotcha, man.

I wanted to thank you for your encouragement.

I murdered tonight.

No, no, no, not like that.

I... I meant-- I mean like at... at the club... with my comedy.

Oh, good for you.

Yeah, good for me.

Well, eat up and, uh, you can have a shower.

And I have some women's clothes that might fit you.

Why do you have women's clothing?

They were donated.

Okay.

She was pretty, but...

...beauty only runs skin deep.

No, I'll... I'll do a...

Yeah. Yeah, beauty only runs skin deep.

It's not what's... it's not what's on the outside,

it's the inside that counts.

Yeah...

Yeah, that'll be good, that'll be a good tag.

What a drag.

You wanna come over to my house for dinner tonight?

I mean, do you wanna...

be my dinner tonight?

Oh, no... Oh, not the same attitude, huh?

That's okay. So hey, get this guy a drink, huh?

Oh, yeah, personally, um,

my favorite drink is a Bloody Mary,

uh, minus the Mary, plus the O positive.

Oh, I... I dated a diabetic, uh, recently.

Little sweet for my taste.

Ah, it's lunchtime! Where is this guy?

All right, how you guys doing?

Yeah!

We're out living the dream, doing it.

Let's go dancing.

You guys look like a dancing crowd.

Latinos, when... when we dance,

we got that fucking baby making face on

like we're taking a shit, but it feels good.

You know what I mean?

Like, maybe we put too much Tapatío on that shit.

Ooh... We're in there, right, we're fucking...

Ba-- Latinos fucking basically have sex

while we're dancing. You know what I mean?

That's why we're having all these kids.

Boom, you know, she's pregnant,

and still fucking dancing, you know what I mean?

She's giving birth... Oh, shit, check this out.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, shit, she's having twins, all right, fuck yeah.

Uh, that's all my time, guys. Thank you so much.

Checking out our display, huh?

Yeah, got some of the greats here.

Got Don Wrinkles, got Andy Milonakis.

Wow. Oh, you got him in here?

No, no, we didn't get any of these people.

I mean, except for that guy.

This guy right here. Who put that up there?

Seriously?

I got some silly people that work here. I...

It's-- Probably someone else put that there...

But yeah, the greats, kings of comedy.

- Wow. - What do you got here?

Oh, you said you needed bodies.

That's good, you're gonna do great.

I watch a lot of YouTube videos

where, like, struggle rappers go up

to famous rappers trying to get signed.

Maybe someone goes up to like a famous rapper.

Like, "Hey, man, can I spit some bars for you, dawg?"

Thanks, man.

He's like, "Yeah, go ahead."

He goes, "Hey man, I used to gang bang,

sell dope, kill the opps. Pop, pop, pop!"

Sometimes they get a feature, sometimes they get signed.

Like, I'm bitter, 'cause like

I can't do that shit as, like, a comic, right?

I can't go up to like a famous comic,

be like, "Hey, man, can I spit something for you?"

He goes, "Yeah, go ahead. Go."

"All right, so like, dating is hard, right?"

Like dating... dating is difficult.

All right, so are you guys hungry

for some more comedy?

Yes!

Are we in church?

I said, are you hungry for some motherfucking comedy?

All right, coming to the stage is our loved one,

Charlie, the Cannibal Comedian!

Oh, this?

Uh, the promoter told me to bring some bodies in tonight.

Oh, whoa. Wow, you guys look great tonight.

I'm getting hungry.

Hey, don't worry about you in the back, all right?

There's always room for second helpings, huh?

What a mouthful.

Total narcissist, really into himself.

I mean, he only eats his own flesh.

Is that too much dead time?

Ah, of corpse, you'd like that joke.

I wanna thank you for joining me

for dinner tonight.

- Did I have a choice? - No, not really.

What is it you want from me?

Mm. Well, I don't really know.

I guess I just like having you around.

But I can't be here any longer.

I've got a life on the outside.

And, like, just let me go, or kill me already.

Don't you dare ruin this dinner!

I worked all day on this, I prepared--

Uh, how... how's your food?

It's been making me ill.

Yeah, well...

that's just 'cause your body's not used to this type of meat.

What is it, roadkill?

Well, for a lack of a better culinary term...

- Yeah. - Ugh, ugh!

Hey, come on, you know, roadkill, it's...

- it's highly underrated. - Ugh.

I mean, the hunting's already been done.

I mean, you just pick it up off the ground,

rinse it off, and add some of my famous herbs and spices.

You know, like the Colonel does.

Cover up the burnt tire track flavor, I'm sure.

Okay, I'll... I'll tell you the truth then.

It's not roadkill.

Okay, what is it then?

No. Don't tell me.

You wouldn't! You fucking wouldn't!

But I thought that whole cannibal act was just for show!

It is roadkill.

I like smoking weed.

I just... I don't feel hot when I'm really high.

Like weed's not the best drug to take to make you feel sexy.

No one's ever been like,

"Oh, you need a confidence boost?"

"Here, try this edible."

"Guys love it when you lose all your motor skills."

Yeah, we do.

I got something for you to eat.

Yeah, what do you have for me to eat?

A hoagie.

Are you guys ready for your next comedian?

Yes.

Everyone welcome to stage, Charlie the Cannibal Comic.

Whoo.

They're fucking awful.

Hey. Hey... hey y'all.

- How, uh-- - Not funny!

Okay, well,

you know, hey, you'd be surprised. It's...

it's... it can get kind of tough doing the, uh,

cannibal comedy thing, you know?

And, uh, I'm getting fed up with you guys.

I'm fed up with bad comedy.

Hey, you know...

You know, uh--

It's okay, I'll let that one go. You know, um...

Oh, maybe I'll have you over for dinner sometime.

Eat me!

You should be paying me to be here.

You call that comedy?

Jesus Christ, my dead grandmother's funnier than you.

What fucking kind of comedian are you?

You suck!

I want my money back.

Douche bag.

Fucking loser!

Loser!

What a loser, pathetic loser, oh, my God.

He ran off the stage.

Like a little girl.

All right.

Give it up for Charlie, y'all.

Uh-huh, yeah, I just died, and not from laughing.

Anyway, coming to the stage

is a house favorite. You know, we all love...

Rough crowd tonight.

Yeah.

Lighten up, everyone bombs. In my experience,

if you show any sign of weakness,

they'll immediately pick up on it and they'll pounce.

You become the prey.

You'll learn.

Yeah, it sure is a predator prey thing.

You know, I've got no problem with my victims and, you know,

dragging them around, hanging them,

sawing them from head to groin, fileting them alive...

But up there,

oh, the table is turned.

Yeah, so if you just go up, you know,

every night you'll get better.

Yeah, thanks for the advice.

Do I know you?

This is gonna sound so crazy,

but I feel like we had a class together.

Oh, shit, it's the cannibal guy.

Hey!

That was ten minutes of my life

I'm never gonna get back, you owe me.

What's the matter, bro, can't you take a joke?

Big, dumb, unfunny loser.

What was that?

You know...

if a cannibal ate a comedian,

that would lead to some pretty funny shit.

♪ We can go, it's not that far ♪

♪ I gave you directions straight to my heart ♪

Stupid shirt.

"That's ten minutes I'll never get back."

Who wears yellow, anyway?

♪ She was just a stranger ♪

♪ Passing through town ♪

♪ From the city of angels ♪

♪ Got turned around ♪

Last night was rough.

But that's okay, I got thicker skin now.

So this killer guy I know asked me to look up this chick.

She had blonde hair, a bunch of tattoos.

Real pretty.

So I looked up my Facebook...

Whoo! Yeah, that was-- Oh.

"Don't eat my boyfriend!"

I got a like on that one.

Oh...

So this dude I used to know,

uh, he said he was a really smart guy.

He had an education.

Well, when I put him through the meat grinder...

...that's when I knew

he was a well grounded individual.

Oh...

Well, speaking of food...

...um, you guys try this...

this new plant-based diet thing, craze?

I don't... I don't know...

So I start... I started to eat plant-based.

I only eat vegans now.

Oh...

God, that really is impossible.

Oh, which of course, uh...

of course tastes like annoying.

So what's this all about?

Ah. I, uh, made it.

Dude, this looks real.

Maybe it is.

Okay, so...

I mean, where do you live, what do you do?

I feel like I know nothing about you.

Well, I live at the end of the old Desert Road.

Oh, shit, I know that old dirt road.

I used to hear stories about that place

when I was a kid.

The natives would...

cannibalize their... their enemies and...

You know,

I really don't remember, I was like four.

But that place always weirded me out.

The people that lived there are fucking weird, too.

- No offense. - Oh, none taken.

Charlie, you were hilarious tonight,

you kill me!

Not yet.

Whoo!

People really seem to like

the whole killer cannibal routine.

I mean, it's funny.

Thanks.

Where'd you come up with that?

I didn't come up with it, I live it.

Okay.

Okay, I... I get it, you're crazy.

But for real.

I mean, what do you do for a living

when you're not obviously slaying

and cannibalizing on stage, huh?

I do roadside meatball subs,

little side hustle.

The roadside meatball sub side hustle, yes.

- You get any business? - Yeah, from time to time.

I mean, the locals, they come around all the time.

But, uh, you know, once in a while

I'll catch me some kids

on their way to a music festival,

you know, for a quick bite.

Yeah.

Hey, boss.

I gotta go.

- Mm. Later. - Ugh.

Hey, next drink is on me for this guy.

Thank you, man.

"Public cannibalism in Tampa...

suspect shot 18 times...

in the face."

Marty, what the hell were you doing in Florida?

Well... little birdie told me

you've been doing standup comedy.

Yeah, so?

So? You didn't invite us to your show

and you've been telling everybody

about our little secret.

- That's exactly... - Stop!

...why I didn't want you guys to see my act.

I knew you'd react this way.

I thought standup comedy was another one

of your crazy obsessions and would pass.

Standup comedy, it makes me feel alive.

You know, Jerry Seinfeld,

he once said, "To be successful,

you gotta be a relentless, ruthless person," and that I am.

Who the fuck is Jerry Seinfeld?

One of the greats.

You are an odd duck.

Yeah, but I can still quack you up.

Uh, whatever happened

to that pretty little thing, Chrystal?

She's long gone.

I told you, I wanted a taste of her.

She probably

didn't taste that good anyways.

No. No, she was a real...

bitter bitch.

Shut up! Nobody told you to laugh!

Fuck gave you permission? Get back in the car.

I hate my neighbors.

- Hey. - Yeah?

Um, so what's the story with Carrey?

What do you mean?

Like, is he the manager or does he...

does he own the place?

Yeah, it's his joint now.

His mom is the one who started it and...

after she died, he... took over.

But, uh, when she was around,

at least this place had a bit of integrity.

What do you mean?

Uh, you didn't hear this from me, but, uh...

some of us around here...

...think he might have...

offed her for the club and the money.

You know what's odd?

You know, I had a great set a few weeks back.

Yeah.

Ever since then, it's almost impossible

for me to get any stage time.

Huh, that is odd.

Stabbed you in the back!

Hey, uh... Hey, Carrey, how you doing, man?

I'm doing good, man.

Little drinky poo.

- But good. - Yeah.

Yeah, hey, listen, um, I was wondering,

um, do you think I could maybe get some time up there tonight?

You should have said you were coming by, Charlie.

We got a packed house tonight...

...but we'll get you on soon.

- Get you on soon, all right? - Yeah.

I met this guy the other day.

He's like, "Oh, I'm a writer and a director and a producer."

I was like, "Wow, that's amazing."

"Could you produce more breadsticks for our table?"

"'Cause we're fucking out."

Yeah.

Maybe direct some appe-teasers over here?

All right, everyone,

the last comic coming to the stage is, uh...

Slappy! Slappy is our last comic for tonight.

But listen, don't worry if you didn't get

to go up tonight, there's always next week.

Give it up for Slappy, everyone.

S... Slappy?

He sucks.

So, uh, you gonna stop killing

now that you a working comedian?

Ho... ly shit.

Nah.

Well, some of the locals are getting nervous

about your little comedy act.

They don't like you going around

advertising human flesh in public,

bit close to the bone. Well...

I agree with them.

I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, it's just an act.

And besides...

they haven't been, uh, putting me up there lately.

- What, you ain't funny enough? - Oh, I'm funny, motherfucker.

It's just... politics or something.

Who ain't letting you up?

Carrey, he owns the place,

and, uh, turns out he's a real douche.

You want me to, uh, take him downtown?

No, no, it's... it's not that easy.

I mean, without Carrey, there's no standup.

It's his club...

and I don't wanna go back to doing comedy for my guests.

Yeah, they laugh, but I think it's just

to avoid me sawing their faces off.

You ever think about expanding your menu?

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Hey, hey, hey, what's with the banging?

You haven't fed me yet!

Oh, I'm sorry, my life's been a little hectic lately.

Now, they... they stopped putting me

they stopped putting me on stage at the club.

Why, did you talk to them about it?

Yeah. But, uh...

I don't know, I don't... I don't know what to do.

Should get in their face and demand stage time,

don't be a pussy.

Okay.

Yeah, okay. Um... still craving the meat?

I'm starving, I'll eat anything.

That's the best thing I've heard all day.

You know, they said you had to be born into cannibalism.

I didn't think that was the case.

I mean, yeah, sure, I've had some,

you know, they... they eat it, they get sick, they die.

But, uh, I knew I could turn someone onto this.

You used me as a Guinea pig?

Guinea pig.

Wow, that was a long time ago.

Little old Mr. Muffy.

Yeah. Killed him, cooked him. My first culinary experience.

You were an only child, by chance?

Did you know that, uh, Friends was filmed in front

of a live studio audience, who knew?

Hey, boss, here go the comics for this week.

There it is.

Hey, Carrey!

Oh, hey Charlie, we were just talking about you.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah, when am I gonna get back up there?

What are you talking about?

Weren't you up there the... the other night?

No, it's been like forever.

Oh, well, we gotta get you up then.

Yeah, so what about tonight?

Tonight's booked up.

Yeah. So when then?

When I feel like it.

I'm getting a little sick of waiting.

And I'm getting tired of your attitude.

You know, when I was up there

you know, they really liked my act.

Yeah, I know,

I also know you're getting kind of a big head about it too.

And I don't like people that think their shit don't stink.

I don't think that at all, I just wanna do my act.

"I just wanna do my act!"

"I'm a fucking artist!"

Think of this as one big audition, okay?

And at the end of it, you just didn't make the cut.

- Really? - Really.

The club's going in a new direction.

And your brand of comedy just it,

ah, it just doesn't fit.

It's... it's this cannibal thing,

it's just kind of stupid.

And that apron, just hang it up.

You don't wanna put your foot in your mouth.

Whoa.

I should've never listened to you.

Now I am not allowed to step foot in that club again.

My career's over.

I was only trying to help.

What happened?

I... I asked Carrey...

...why he wouldn't let me up anymore.

And he just said...

the... the club doesn't want my act.

He... he said they... they think cannibals are stupid.

Hey.

I think cannibals are cool. And...

I love your jokes.

Your act's original, unique.

Shit, I wish I would've thought of it.

I need to reevaluate my career...

and my life options.

Don't let that stop you, this is just a setback.

A true artist never gives up.

Hey, man, look--

What's up?

You really gonna steal Charlie's cannibal act?

Would you keep your voice down.

Who told you?

This is a small club

and the other comics are talking.

- I'm just saying. - What's it matter to you?

Charlie has fans,

and they're gonna know you stole his act.

Do you think I'm a fucking moron?

- Well? - Well what?

Do you think I'm a fucking moron?

Of course not, Carrey,

- I'm just try-- - Okay, then make sure

these comics are in check or it's your ass.

Guys are sounding like a bunch

of schoolgirls on their periods.

Okay, boss, I'll... I'll get right on it.

Oh, and I'm taking the show on the road.

No one outside the club knows about this.

Okay.

Smart.

Oh, hey, hey, sir, we're not quite open yet, uh...

Come back around seven--

Oh, all right, what's your poison?

Hey, how's it going, folks?

I am Carrey, the first ever Cannibal Comic.

And I'm also, fun fact, the owner of this place.

So if any future comics wanna be on this stage,

it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg.

Uh, who am I kidding? I butchered that joke.

- Yeah. - Whoa! 'ho 'ho 'ho 'ho!

Whoa!

I got you, that was... that was real.

- Oh, man. - Oh, come on,

gimme a hand, will you?

Whoa, hey!

Unfortunately,

I had a victim that got away from me.

Mm.

Then I later found out that she hung herself.

Ugh. Yeah, I read about it in Noose Weekly.

The newspaper that reports on people that hang themselves!

All right guys, well that is my time.

Thank you for coming out. Four drink minimum.

Hello?

That club owner guy, Carrey,

he's doing your act.

Wait, what... what... what did you say?

Oh, I was just down at the club and he's doing cannibal jokes.

The asshole even had a bloody apron.

Are you jerking off?

Fuck!

This is Carrey commercial B, take number two.

Let me axe you a question, does comedy make you laugh?

It should, so you should come down to The Funny Pit,

where tickets are still free

with the purchase of a four-drink minimum.

And you'll get to see me, Carrey,

the original cannibal comedian, the first one ever.

No one else has ever done it before.

And we are still located in the middle of the desert.

How convenient!

And if you can't make it at that, guess what?

I'm going on tour,

and I put my whole heart into it.

Well, someone's.

Come on down, now.

Dude, I slayed tonight...

- murdered! - Yeah, man,

I guess you could say there were, uh,

no axe-cidents!

You crazy, boss, you crazy. Look, here go the keys.

Uh, the building is locked up,

- I'm out, peace out. - All right.

All right, see you later, man.

Charlie?

No. Hey, Charlie, is that you?

Hello?

Why you acting all weird and shit?

Didn't I tell you not to come around here, man?

Damn.

Hey!

Okay, Pleatherface, really scary.

Wow.

Dramatic.

Fucking weirdo.

Stop doing that!

Oh, shit, shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Wake up, sleepy head.

Oh, and you!

You're always in my way.

- Holy shit. - Well, Carrey, it's official.

You're a certified schmuck, you know that?

It's true, huh?

You... you really are...

are a cannibal, huh? I don't believe it.

Oh, oh, believe it, bud.

- Well, I don't. - Because, uh,

I've been thinking of what I'm gonna do to you

and, uh--

I dunno, maybe use your skin as a...

as a lampshade, you know, to lighten up my life.

A cannibal joke, yeah.

Listen, man, if this is about... this...

if this is about stage time, I... I... we could fix that.

I could give you more stage time.

I mean-- Hell, I could give you the whole club.

What... what if we... Hey, what if we called it

the...

Ch... Charlie's Comedy Club?

That has a ring to it, does to me.

You know, you'd do something like that for me?

Oh, yeah!

I mean, as long as we agree,

you're not gonna eat me or something like that.

Carrey, I'm not gonna eat you.

I don't eat rotten people.

Wait... wait, what--

Who, who said I was rotten?

Wait, you... you think I'm rotten?

I'm gonna enjoy this.

Ah. Fuck.

Ugh.

Ah.

Ugh.

Hmm...

Oh, this is a great song, you heard this one?

No, no, come on.

Don't be rude now, yes or no, no?

It's funny, you know, this artist,

he actually stole this from somebody else.

Yeah, yeah, apparently made a fortune off of it.

God, who does that remind you of?

Hang on!

You don't wanna put your foot in your mouth...

Oh, no, no, no, I--

Allow me.

Please, st--

Oh.

I guess you don't like eating your own words, do you?

Fuck...

Well, you know what I like to say?

Five second rule.

Ugh.

Mm. I tell you,

with the music and this,

and you, it's like a, what a toe jam!

Please stop...

with all the cannibal jokes!

Cannibal jokes...

You know, being a cannibal, you think it's a joke?

You think being a cannibal is a joke?

You know, this is my life!

You know, you think you could just take people's things?

You could take people's lives?

You can't take someone else's material!

You want my life, you want this?

Take me for everything I got?

Okay, I... I... it's... it's clear you're upset

and I'll stop taking all the cannibal jokes.

Can I trust you? Can I take your word on that?

Trust me, I will leave, I will go off to some...

Uh... beach resort on an island somewhere, all inclusive.

You'll never hear from me again, okay?

It's too late for that, Carrey.

Listen here, motherfucker,

don't get it twisted!

Who else do you think would put your creepy face on stage?

Who else do you think would actually

give you any stage time?

The same cannibal joke over and over again.

Oh, it's another pun!

Hilarious! Oh, it's hilarious!

Oh, I got thicker skin this time.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Oh, it's so funny.

You're one note.

You go in with the same material over and over.

Look, man, I don't know how you did it,

but... ...you're a has been,

and you haven't even been famous yet!

You...

you just... you wait right here!

You wait right here...

I'm sorry...

Hey!

Hey...

It's better to be a has been than never was.

Chrystal!

Chrystal...

Huh?

Oh, my God...

I, uh, I gotta talk to you.

Hmm, what's wrong, sweetheart?

Huh...

Hello, Charlie.

It's your favorite captive, Chrystal.

I bet you're not feeling real great.

I reckon you had it coming.

You got careless and really underestimated me.

You don't know who you're messing with!

I know we had something special between us.

We both share that hunger for the spotlight

and I've worked up a very different appetite,

thanks to you.

Maybe we'll meet again,

one day, in another life.

Just know your act is in better hands now.

- Chrystal... - Oh,

and sorry for recording over your favorite comedy tape.

- No... - Gotta go.

Bye, sweetie.

Chrystal...

What? Why?

Chrystal!

Chrystal!

Chrystal!

All right, everyone, and now, under new management,

boys, eat your hearts out, eat your hearts out!

Coming to the stage is the very funny

and desirable, which means she fine,

Chrystal the Cannibal Comic!

Give it to her, y'all.

See, she fine.

You ever been up late at night,

with the munchies, and you just wanna snack?

Yeah.

I'll be damned if I know where to find

jalapeño-flavored babies at 3:00 AM.

I was with this waitress the other night.

She asked me, "Do cannibals eat ya whole?"

I said, "No!"

"We spit that part out when we get to it."

Tastes like shit.

She asked if she could go down on me.

Mm-hmm...

I said, "Sure, can I go first?"

I got a little carried away...

Mm.

All that's left is her wedding ring.

Hey, I thought it was an all-you-can-eat deal.

Hey, I'm Chrystal, the Cannibal Comedian.

And if anybody tells you cannibals ain't funny,

well they can eat me!

♪ I'm losing my cool ♪

♪ I'm feeling like a fool ♪

♪ What's wrong with me? ♪

♪ I want to numb the pain ♪

♪ Never feel again ♪

♪ What's the point ♪

♪ Anyway? ♪

♪ Pushin' and drivin' ♪

♪ Takin' the wheel ♪

♪ I've running around and cruisin' ♪

♪ Never realizin' ♪

♪ I'm locked up inside my head ♪

♪ I need to ♪

♪ Break free from this dumb fictional prison, whoa... ♪

Hey!

Hello?

Oh, thank God,

I've never been this excited to see a cop before.

I got a story to tell you, man.

There is this fucking crazy psycho dude.

You gotta, first of all, untie me.

I have this mic cord and--

The fuck?

Sheriff, hey!

Hello?

All right, all right, all right.

Coming next to the stage.

Someone we all know.

You know Charlie from the sub shop.

Charlie, come on up here and do your thing, man.

♪ Think it's a joke but it ain't funny ♪

- ♪ Naw ♪ - ♪ We'll see who laughing ♪

♪ When your ass is chilling in my tummy ♪

♪ Get it, I'm a cannibal they call me the Red Dragon ♪

♪ I silence the lambs Hannibal nah, I'm Charlie ♪

♪ Hello, pleased to meet you ♪

♪ Later on, I eat you with the homie Sheriff Weaver ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, I'm a standup comedian ♪

♪ I'm in the streets again ♪

♪ This ain't a game, you'll feed my friends ♪

♪ It's sickening where should I begin ♪

♪ This ain't the lost and found you never seen again ♪

♪ I'm on some other shit catch me at The Funny Pit ♪

♪ Me, Carrey, and Vic trying to run up on the lick ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Stop laughing, ain't nothing funny ♪

♪ Girl, I know you think I'm joking ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm up there doing comedy, obviously ♪

♪ Sadly what you say is true ♪

♪ But what you really didn't know ♪

♪ Is that the joke is on you So, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Stop laughing, ain't nothing funny ♪

♪ I know you think I'm joking ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm up here doing comedy, obviously ♪

♪ Sadly what you say is true ♪

♪ But what you really didn't know ♪

♪ Is that the joke is on you ♪

♪ Sick and tired of living life like a goldfish ♪

♪ Seems like the more that I try the smaller my bowl gets ♪

♪ Tried my hand with this comedy made me feel better ♪

♪ I met a girl last week but I want to eat Heather ♪

♪ Like, really eat Heather my head is fucked up ♪

♪ Take her back to the sub shop get dressed up ♪

♪ Damn! ♪

♪ And no, this ain't sun dress season ♪

♪ I mean, dressing her up with mad flavors ♪

- ♪ And seasonings ♪ - ♪ Wow! ♪

♪ Think, Charlie, think No, she's too pretty ♪

♪ If Chrystal find out ♪

♪ She's going to alert the whole city ♪

♪ Just keep 'em laughing just keep 'em laughing ♪

♪ They won't notice ♪

♪ It's all a charade my whole standup is bogus ♪

♪ I'm a fucking killer ♪

♪ No, not Heather like seriously, dog ♪

♪ I'm really a fucking killer ♪

♪ Only a matter of time before they catch me ♪

♪ Might as well keep feeding my face ♪

♪ Don't judge or at me ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

Well, thanks for coming tonight.

Um, I do have some new material.

Um, I'm still trying to flesh it out.

If you know what I mean.

♪ That the joke is on you ♪

Well, well, well...

...you're still here, huh?

Y... you hungry for more?

Ooh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, maybe your old pal Skelly,

is... is gonna tell you what happens next

in the sequel.

I... I have a bone to pick

with anyone who... who thinks our story's over.

This is my nightmare.