Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Huh.

[Linda] Tina, let's go.

It's called breakfast, not break-slow.

Coming. Save me some Chocolate Chippy Chomps.

Sorry I'm late.

I was dealing with a little something on my butt

that I'm hoping is totally normal for a teenage person.

It rhymes with "schmimple."

Dr. Richard Kimble? Is The Fugitive on your butt?

No. Wait, what?

How is it empty? Didn't we just get these?

Gene, how many bowls did you have?

One. It was the most amount of cereal

a person could fit in a bowl, but it was just one.

Louise, how many bowls did you have?

Uh, why are we counting?

Because I said, "Save me some."

"Save me some" means you don't take a second bowl

before everyone's had their first.

I couldn't stop myself. They're just so chocolaty.

I don't understand how they're legally allowed at breakfast.

Louise. Tina, do you want me to make you an egg, honey?

Oh, yeah, I'd love a stupid egg.

-[Bob] Tina. -Sorry. Yes, please.

So, the Bounty of the Bay Parade is coming up.

That'll be, um, well, it'll be another parade.

This town loves a parade.

We're a real parade-y bunch.

Hey, doesn't your school have a float this year?

Yup. Every year they pick a different school,

and this year it's Wagstaff's time to shine.

Oh, fun.

We're gonna vote on an ambassador to ride on the float.

I'd only want to do it if I could be the "ham-bassador."

-These hams. -Mm.

Aah! How is your cereal still so crunchy?!

What'd you say? It's hard to hear you over the crunch.

Damn it.

[Frond] Ugh.

You okay, Mr. Frond?

I heard you going "ugh."

-I'm fine. -Okay, bye.

It's just this email from Principal Spoors.

I guess he was bragging to the superintendent

about our advice column in the school newspaper,

Ask an Eighth Grader.

Our school newspaper has an advice column?

Well, we did for a while, but it wasn't very popular.

Maybe because, no offense, kids don't know anything

-and give terrible advice. -Okay.

And then, a few years ago, after the student doing it graduated,

no one found a replacement and the column just kind of fizzled.

Oh. Well, I should get going, so--

But now Principal Spoors wants to resurrect it

because the superintendent said she was going to "check it out"

and Spoors doesn't want to look like an idiot.

-All right. See you later. -And Ms. Persky is on maternity leave,

so somehow I got to handle the paper while she's gone.

And that's on top of having to get kids

to vote for the parade ambassador.

Uh-huh. Take it easy.

Anyway, Tina, since you're here

and you're an eighth grader, guess what.

You're the new Ask an Eighth Grader.

Wait, what, me?

-Yeah, you're welcome. -Okay.

Um, you really think I'd be good at giving advice?

Tina, I really, really do...

not care either way. Congrats.

-Um, thanks? -And you're supposed to be anonymous,

so don't tell anyone.

Wow, this is, uh, quite an honor, I--

All right, out you go. Busy, busy.

-No time to talk. -Uh, uh, okay, yeah.

-Hey, Teddy. -Hi, Teddy.

Hi, Linda, Bob. One Burger of the Day, please.

And, Bobby, can you not take forever to make the burger,

like you sometimes do?

Uh, okay.

Ooh, he's in a mood.

I-I got to hurry over to help the Order of the Pioneers

build their float for the parade.

Ooh, the Order of the Pioneers. Wait, who are they, again?

They're one of the oldest fraternal societies

-in the country. -Oh, did you join?

Join? No, no, no.

I mean, I'd love to be a Pioneer, but...

you know those groups. They're so hard to get into.

And they take up a lot of hours.

You spend a lot of hours here.

Yeah, exactly.

-Mm. -What's the float gonna be?

The Pioneers commissioned a sculpture

of a giant grouper fish made out of trash found in the ocean.

Ooh, that's a fun thing to do with trash.

We just throw ours away.

So, how are you helping them?

Well, I'm building their float with some plywood,

and I'm gonna help them mount the grouper onto it.

And I also said I could make the grouper's eyes and mouth move

and make it blow bubbles.

Can you do all that?

I don't know! I wanted to impress them.

It's gonna be fine. Everything's online.

I'll just look up "giant grouper statue,

make look alive for fraternal order parade float."

-Perfect. -Yep.

[Frond] Attention, everyone.

Lunchtime announcements. Quiet down.

-Peter, stop slurping. -[slurps] Huh?

Just another reminder: many of you still need to vote

on which student will be our parade ambassador.

All you got to do is write down the name of a student

on one of these ballots. Just write down a name.

It's that easy.

And everyone better write my name.

Because I like to stand on top of things

and look down at people.

And also the ambassador gives a speech,

-and everyone loves to hear me talk. -What?

Another announcement: Wagstaff is bringing back

the school paper's advice column Ask an Eighth Grader.

Now you can anonymously ask all of your burning questions

to a wise, old eighth grader

who themselves will be anonymous.

And they are totally qualified to answer them.

Not as qualified as a guidance counselor

with years of experience, but whatever.

Kind of cool about Ask an Eighth Grader, huh?

-Is it? -I wonder who it is.

-Are we this desperate for small talk? -I was talking to Gene.

I'm still mad at you, Cereal Swiper.

Okay. Someone's still having a lot of big feelings.

Hey, you mind closing that Chippy Chomp hole for a second?

So, I'm gonna tell you something,

but you can't tell anyone.

I'm Ask an Eighth Grader.

-What?! -Shh.

-[whispers] What? -Yeah. I'm kind of excited.

These fingers are gonna type the responses

that change people's lives.

I bet it'll be a welcome break from chasing boogers all day.

I bet it will, Gene. I bet it will.

♪ Ask an eighth grader, ask an eighth grader ♪

♪ Won't you pretty, pretty please ask an eighth grader? ♪

♪ Ask an eighth grader, ask an eighth grader ♪

♪ Why won't anybody frickin' ask an eighth grader? ♪

♪ Oh, won't you ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask ♪

♪ Ask, ask, ask an eighth grader. ♪

Tina, come have dinner and stop looking at your Ticky Toks.

[groans] It's been days, and no one has submitted a question

to Ask an Eighth Grader. Also, Mom, Dad,

remember, you can't tell anyone my secret identity.

We know. We heard you the many, many times you've said that.

-Anyone. -We promise.

[sighs] I just feel like I could really help people

if I had the chance, you know?

Aw, Tina. I'll ask you a question.

Should your dad finally wash his shirt,

or should he just keep wearing it

even though it's covered in stains?

-What? Oh, my God. -It's like a baby's bib.

An exploding baby.

[Tina] You should wash it, Dad.

And that's advice from a professional.

[Louise typing]

[Linda] Good night, Louise.

What have you got under there?

Oh, just... my little growing body.

Okay. Well, good night.

-Good night. -Aha.

What are you doing with the laptop?

And is that Tina's journal?

[sighs] I was submitting a question

to Ask an Eighth Grader

so Tina would have at least one measly letter to answer.

I was kinda hoping it would make up

for the Chippy Chomps incident.

Oof, the Chippy Chomps incident.

But why Tina's journal?

I needed material.

I'm a youthful, innocent nine-year-old.

I don't have any weird puberty drama yet.

But this thing is full of it.

I mean, we should donate this to the Smithsonian to be studied.

Well, let's see what you got so far.

"Hi, I'm a teenaged person and I'm pubing all over the place

"like the ding-dong puberty bell.

"I've got butt zits, boob hairs,

"so much sweat in my undercarriage area,

and maybe a little mustache depending on what light I'm in."

Okay, wow, this needs a little finesse.

What do you mean? It seems great to me.

No, move over. I'm coming up.

[grunts] Come on, scooch, scooch.

I'm trying. I didn't know grown-ups could climb up here.

Yeah, grown-ups can come up here.

I'm the one who changes the sheets on this bed.

It's the hardest thing I do

every two to three to four weeks.

So, you got to make this kid seem like a real person.

Like this. "I'm feeling...

a little insecure... about some stuff."

Oh. Wow, that's good.

Lot of typos, but that's okay, we'll fix those later.

-Shh. -Sorry.

Morning, everyone. I'm just gonna check

the Ask an Eighth Grader inbox

-and see that it's still empty. -That's the spirit.

Oh. Oh, my God, I got a letter.

-Oh, wow. -Huh.

"Butt acne... boob hairs... puberty..."

It's from someone named Miss Am I Normal.

[purrs] Is there a Mr. Am I Normal?

Wow, I feel like I really get this person.

I mean, they wrote about stuff that's kind of, uh,

right up my alley.

Ooh, what a great letter.

I-I mean, I didn't read it, but I'm sure it's great.

Lin, you okay?

She's happy for Tina. Show some support, Dad.

Yeah, Dad. Offer up a high five for once in your life.

-Okay, okay. -[Tina] Damn straight.

Ow.

I think that should do it. I'm gonna turn it on.

Ooh, bubbles.

-Look at 'em. -Pretty.

This thing works great.

Uh, why do you need to do that in here, again?

I have to test it. For the float.

Bubbles are gonna come out of the fish's mouth.

No, I know, but why do you need to do it here?

Because I-I needed a second opinion.

Can you picture these coming out of a fish's mouth?

-Yes. -Are you saying that because you want me to turn it off?

-Yes. -Now or--?

-Uh-huh. Yup. -'Cause we could also keep it on

and see how long it takes before it runs out of bubbles.

-No. -Sure.

-[Bob groans] -Great. -Excuse me.

The bubbles are popping on my food.

-Teddy. -Fine.

Thank you.

Hey, hi, hello there.

Tammy for Parade Ambassador.

Cast your vote and put this Tammy on a float.

She's so totally floaty.

Tammy definitely puts the "ass" in ambassador.

Hey, J-Ju, did you see Ask an Eighth Grader

in the school paper this morning?

You read the school paper, Zeke?

Fart yeah. I like to keep up with current events.

There was this letter from somebody called

Miss Am I Normal, and it was like, oh, my God,

this kid just put it all out there.

So honest, so raw.

And, look,

Ask an Eighth Grader had a spot-on reply, too.

-Check it out. -You think?

I-I mean, what-what was it?

"I want you to know that you're not alone,

and I'm 100% sure..."

[Tina] ...that someone out there has the same problems

and the same questions.

And remember, your body is like a free sample

at Fro-Yo-Momma. You only get one,

so you might as well enjoy it.

I read it, like, four times.

I put it up in my locker.

Tina, your column's the belle of the butt zit ball.

Shh. But yeah.

Nothing. Don't worry about it, Peter.

-Just keep slurping your soup. -[slurps] Huh?

Not that I want Miss Am I Normal to have a lot more problems,

but I hope she writes in again.

And I hope she has a lot more problems.

How many more of these do we have to write?

I don't know, but less talking, more typing.

All right, all right, pass me the journal.

Oof, look at this one. God bless her.

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Anonymous advice, anonymous advice ♪

-♪ Butt zits ♪ -♪ Anonymous ♪

-♪ Boob hair ♪ -♪ Anonymous ♪

-♪ Undercarriage ♪ -♪ Anonymous ♪

♪ Anonymous advice, anonymous advice. ♪

-[bell jingles] -Hey, Teddy.

Haven't seen you in a few days.

Yeah, I've been working on the float nonstop.

I'm having a hard time getting

the grouper's eyes to move around.

And the mouth to open and close.

And the bubbles to come out of the mouth.

So, everything you said you'd do.

Gah! This fish is making a fool of me!

Aw. Hey, kids, how was school?

Great. Miss Am I Normal is kind of all anyone can talk about.

-Wow. -Yup.

Everyone wants to know who she is.

-Oh, they do? -And who she's wearing.

-Who's Miss Am I Normal? -She's someone who submitted

to our school newspaper's advice column,

and I can't tell you who writes the advice

in the advice column because it's a really big secret.

Okay. Is it you?

Yes. Please don't tell anyone.

-I won't. Can I tell Mort? -Sure.

So, yeah, everyone is trying to figure out

who Miss Am I Normal is. Isn't that fun?

But, uh, it's anonymous, right?

There's no way they can ever find out, right, Tina? Right?

I guess, but kids are really determined.

They made betting pools about it.

Someone made T-shirts. One kid started a podcast.

Sponsored by Squarespace.

-[typing] -"Signed, Miss Am I Normal."

-Good? -Good.

Good.

"Thank you for giving me such wise advice.

"You solved all my problems. So, goodbye forever.

"But please don't try to figure out who I am

"because it's not that interesting.

You'll find out and be like, 'Snoozeville, never mind.'"

Man, Miss Am I Normal's worried she's gonna be a disappointment.

-I feel that. -Now I want to know who she is even more.

It's a delicious mystery.

-Damn it. -How was the reply from Ask an Eighth Grader?

-Just curious. -It was great. They wrote,

"I don't know about Snoozeville,

"but I've enjoyed my trip to Youzville.

"And I hope you enjoy Youzville, as well.

"I won't try to figure out who you are

"as long as you don't try to figure out who I am.

Wink, wink. We're anony-buddies."

Aw, man, I'm gonna miss that correspondence.

-Me, too. -[Frond] Attention.

I have a very important announcement.

Through sheer grit and nagging, I got most of you to vote,

and all the ballots have been counted

by the political science club...

who also gave me guff...

and we have a winner for the parade ambassadorship.

And the winner is...

Miss Am I Normal. Really?

-[gasps] -Oh, my God.

Hell yeah. I voted for her.

Mostly 'cause I wanted to find out who she is.

-I admire her so much. -She's got to come forward now.

I'm kinda excited to see who I've been talking to.

Ugh. Tina, I have to tell you something.

There is no Miss Am I Normal.

Not yet. She must be too nervous to reveal herself.

No, I mean Mom and I wrote those letters.

-Wait, what? -My mom? Linda Belcher?

[clears throat] Hi, everyone. Um...

It's me. I am Miss Am I Normal.

[all gasping]

-What? -Yeah, what?

Tammy's Miss Am I Normal?

What the heck-a-do, what, huh?

[Tina] You're telling me that you and Mom

wrote the letters and that there's no Miss Am I Normal?

-Yeah... -So y-you just made all that stuff up?

No, we... took stuff from your journal.

-Oh. -What?!

Well, no one was writing in.

-Ugh. So Tammy's lying? -Yes.

I mean, is that surprising?

-This is unbelievable. -I'm really sorry.

Ugh!

She'll get over it.

-Ah! -See?

I can't believe it's you, girl.

Man, my brain's going like doi-oi-oi-oi-oing.

Yeah, I never would've guessed it was you, Tammy.

Not in a zillion years.

Yeah, I didn't want to say anything, but then,

when I got voted ambassador, I felt like I had to, you know?

Tammy, why didn't you tell me you were Miss Am I Normal?

I thought we told each other everything.

Jocelyn, this was, like, so deeply personal.

Listen, you're still my best friend,

even though now all of these people

-also want to be my best friend. -Okay.

Ow. Stop pushing me.

-[phone rings] -Bob's Burgers.

-Bob. -Uh, hey, Teddy.

-It's Teddy. -Yup.

I can't talk long.

Okay. Well, uh, that's fine.

I'm in the bathroom at the Pioneers' Lodge.

-Oh... okay. -The lodge is incredible, Bob.

It's everything you imagined and more.

Well, I've never imagined it at all, Teddy.

There's a bar and a pool table, books and rugs.

I had a couple of beers. They were so cold.

But, Teddy, I thought you couldn't talk long.

It's just this grouper float.

I can't tell you how much I want it to work.

The Pioneers are excited about it, too.

That's why they invited me over.

I hate to say I also can't talk long,

but I feel like one of us should

put more pressure on this conversation.

I told them the grouper's coming along,

but it's got issues, Bob.

I may have bit off more than I can chew.

This grouper's a mess.

I'm sure it will be fine, Teddy.

Oh, God, I want to be a Pioneer so bad.

The paneling in here, Bob. Real wood.

-Okay, I'm gonna hang up now. -All right.

I'll call you in ten minutes from the--

-Tammy? -Tina, no, I can't talk right now.

I have to pick up my ambassador sash from the office

and then I've got an interview on some kid's podcast.

He wants me to wear the sash for the podcast.

And you won't be able to see it, but I can swish it around.

You're not Miss Am I Normal.

[gasps] How do you know that?

I mean, how dare you?

Yes, I am Miss Am I Normal.

I know you're not, because I'm Ask an Eighth Grader.

-[gasps] -Miss Am I Normal's my mom and my sister.

They wrote the letters without telling me

because no one was writing into Ask an Eighth Grader

-and they felt bad for me. -Um...

Tina, you can't tell anyone

Miss Am I Normal was your mom and sister.

-Why not? Yes, I can. -No, you can't.

And not just because it's so embarrassing for you.

But because if people find out

that Miss Am I Normal isn't even real,

they're gonna be super mad and duper sad.

-But-- -So don't tell anyone that I'm not Miss Am I Normal,

and I won't tell anyone about your sneaky mom

and your liar sister. Got it? Good.

-[sighs] -Good talk. Okay.

Oh, wow. Aw, thank you so much for that.

Wow. So much support. Thank you. Thank you.

[groans]

[Teddy] This is your moment, pal.

Let there be life!

Ha-ha!

Wow.

No. No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Hello. Hi. Beautiful day for a parade.

Everything's going great with this guy.

[laughs, groans]

Ooh, Tina, octopus.

Look at the suckers on that sucker.

You're still not talking to me, huh?

No. Not you or Louise.

Except to tell you I'm not talking to you.

And I'm done. Back to not talking.

Yup, yup.

Oh, God. She's still so mad at us.

Us? I'm not part of this, Lin.

I was always against everything you were doing.

And I'm really glad to be exactly right.

[sighs] Well, I'm still going to enjoy the parade.

Right. If it ends soon.

Because we got to open the restaurant

-and work there. -[Gene] Nerd.

Give it up for the Women 65 and Older Community Brass Band.

Also known as the Brassy Biddies.

That's my mom on sousaphone.

Play that funky music, Mom.

And here comes the Wagstaff School float,

which appears to be a whaling ship.

So cute, so frowned upon in modern times.

And riding on top is Parade Ambassador Tammy Larson.

Tammy also goes by the name of Miss Am I Normal.

Apparently, she wrote into the school newspaper

with a whole bunch of intense, puberty-related issues

-and now she's here. -Ugh.

-Yay. -[Tammy] Hi. Hello.

So, Tammy, people really responded to your letters.

Your refreshing honesty about...

your acne and... hairs everywhere.

Um, a lot of interesting stuff is why you

are Wagstaff School Parade Ambassador.

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[chuckles] So, yes.

But just to set the record straight,

I don't have acne. Uh, definitely not on my butt.

Uh, that's gross. [awkward chuckle]

I don't have any of that gross stuff.

And it turns out my mirror was weird.

And I got a new one.

Uh, so, yeah, I am Miss Am I Normal,

but I'm, like, Miss Totally Normal.

And... okay? Um, better.

Better than normal. Better than normal.

-Huh? -What the...?

-Did she say acne is gross? -Yeah.

All that vulnerability was nothing?

I guess I'm ashamed of my body again.

No, Zeke, it's good.

Oh, no.

Anyway... [clears throat] Hello.

I am your parade ambassador.

Future entrepreneur/model/ producer Tammy Larson.

Who wants to see my hands-in-pocket? Here it is.

Who wants to see my peace sign, tongue out? Nyah.

And sassy hip pop. Head tilt. Elegant hand.

Uh-huh, okay.

No, hold on, ten more poses at least.

This is the Whose Monkey Is This? Ooh.

-Mm? This is the... ooh! -Oh, God. Everyone's sad.

I got to do something.

Uh, excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

So, in conclusion, best parade ever.

Best ambassador ever.

-I don't have zits on my butt. -Uh...

-Um, hi. -Oh.

-I'm Tina. Belcher. -Tina. [nervous laugh]

What are you doing?

Um, I'm about to breach all sorts of security

by revealing this confidential information,

but, um, I'm Ask an Eighth Grader.

-[gasping] -I had no idea.

Tina's Ask an Eighth Grader?

Dang. Layers and layers to that girl.

What's going on? Did I miss the Brassy Biddies?

Anyway, uh, I wanted to say there is no Miss Am I Normal.

[laughing nervously] What? What?!

The letters were fake.

-[gasping] -Oh, my God.

I know. I mean, the letters were fake,

but the problems are real. Like, very, very real.

I don't want to get graphic, but trust me.

But hopefully they made us all feel less alone and less gross?

-It was all fake? -What? -[overlapping murmuring]

-The letters were fake? -That's crazy. -The letters were fake?

I told everyone Ask an Eighth Grader was a bad idea.

Uh, I didn't know. I thought I...

-I-I thought that... -Oh, God.

I just wanted to help. I-I swear.

Hey, guys, don't blame Tina.

I'm Miss Am I Normal.

Me, too. I'm Miss Am I Normal.

I'm Miss Am I Normal.

-Wait, what? -I'm Miss Am I Normal, too.

Okay.

-I'm Miss Am I Normal! -I'm Miss Am I Normal.

-I'm Miss Am I Normal. -I'm Miss Am I Normal.

[all] I'm Miss Am I Normal.

I'm Miss Am I Normal.

Why is everybody saying that?

[clears throat] I'm Miss Am I Normal, too.

No, you're not. You're definitely not.

And I'm Miss Let's Keep This Parade Going.

-[Tammy straining] -Up next we've got the float

from the local chapter of the Order of Pioneers.

Looks like... [chuckles] some kind of wacky fish

made out of trash.

Oh, it's Teddy's float. It looks great.

[Teddy grunting]

[Bob] Is Teddy inside the fish?

Oh, my God, I think he is.

I don't think that was his plan, was it?

Did it eat him?

[grunting]

[Louise] Hey, Teddy. If you're all right, give us a wink.

[Teddy grunting]

He's fine.

Tina, I'm so proud of you.

You made a lot of kids feel better about themselves.

And I really am sorry.

-Mom isn't, but I am. -Hey.

But also, maybe take some of that teen stuff advice yourself

because it turns out you were pretty good at giving it.

So you're welcome for that big revelation.

I accept your apology that turned into

-patting yourself on the back. -Oh, good.

When's the next parade, right?

-Oh, tomorrow. -[phone buzzes]

Teddy's calling. Hi, Teddy.

Hey, uh, nice job with the grouper.

[Teddy] Bob, I got a situation here.

Good news is, I'm a probationary member of the Pioneers.

The bad news is, there's some very unsettling

initiation stuff going on.

You know I'm not comfortable with knives or heights,

and this is both.

-I might need you to come get me. -Oh, my God.

And I need you to bring me a bathrobe and some gauze.

[marching band playing]

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org