Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

Tina, this is not "on the way home from school."

I've never seen this street before.

Are we on Stranger Danger Avenue?

We're almost there. I promise. I think.

Ugh. Still can't believe I wasn't invited.

- Invited to what? - Julian's having

a casual pre-Halloween gathering

to play video games and eat candy corn

and it's not technically a party,

but I'm gathering that they don't want me to be there.

What is it, do I have BO?

- Or NTCUO? - What's that again?

Not Totally Clean Underwear Odor.

- [sniffs] It's funky, but fun. - Gene--

I had to help Alex feel better, for blabbing it to me.

See you at Julian's gathering.

- What? When? - Oh...

- Is Julian having a gathering? - Oh...

Yeah, but, Gene, I feel terrible.

You know what? If you're not going, then I'm not going.

Uh, no. You don't have to do that.

I-- I don't care.

- You should definitely-- - Oh, thank God.

'Cause I really want to go.

Ugh...

- Gene, I-- - Yes. This is it.

Nothing? We come all this way and you don't buy anything?

Their barrettes weren't knifey-looking enough.

This is so you can wear them on your fingers

- and be Barrette-y Krueger? - Yes.

- It is a good costume. - But a hard-to-find barrette.

- [Gene] Look at this. - [Tina groans]

Look at their freaky little heads.

- That's our reflection. - No, the dolls.

Got to be a strange place to work.

You must feel huge.

[Gene] That's Miss Bisselbender.

[gasps] The substitute teacher?

- Yeah. - Okay... Guess we're going in.

If the dolls come alive, we'll step on one

to give them something to think about,

- and then we'll run for it. - Huh? Oh.

Uh, yeah. Good plan.

- Hi, Miss B. - Oh. Hi, Gene.

Is this where you sleep at night?

Were you about to shrink down and climb in there?

I can't shrink down, but I have napped behind the counter.

This is my parents' store.

Well, look at you, having parents.

Look at you, having an entourage.

- Are they bodyguards? - Ha. My sisters.

Tina and Louise. This is Miss Bisselbender,

- The substitutioner. - Hi. We've, uh, met, actually.

Yup. Uh, nice store. Very dolled up.

Thanks. Sometimes I open up for my folks

and watch the place when they're out of town.

They're at Dollhouse Doll Fashion Week.

That's my worst nightmare.

Yeah, the designers are cutthroat.

Oh, my God!

- [Louise] Whoa! - [Bisselbender] Sorry. Sorry.

I did that.

I set it up so I could take pictures.

I do that sometimes when I'm alone in the store.

Which is pretty much 100% of the time I'm in the store.

I send pictures to my friends. Especially this time of year.

- Halloween? - Corporate tax return deadline.

- Oh. - No, Halloween.

[Tina] Cool, cool, cool. Lucky friends.

Now I want a dollhouse. More please.

I don't know if I should-- Okay, just my top ten.

[Louise] Whoa. You're a genius?

[Bisselbender] I think you and I are the only ones who know that.

Those dolls look how I felt today when I heard about Julian's gathering.

I was decapitated by sadness.

Sadcapitated.

So... should we get going?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

It's three-days' walk back to the restaurant.

Uh, yeah. Hope our supplies don't run out.

Bye, Miss Bisselbender.

Maybe Ms. Twitchell will donate her other kidney

so you can come back and sub in my homeroom again.

That was fun.

[chuckles] That was fun.

Good job watching all the movies I played,

I mean, learning all the stuff I taught you.

Bye. Don't fall asleep here.

- The dolls will steal your eyes. - Yup.

Can I... talk to you for a second?

Um... Okay.

- [Tina] Weird. - [Gene] She's probably

thinking about your birthday, picking out

- a little friend for you. - Oh, no.

- Louise, no! - [banging]

[Linda] What is it?

It's a dollhouse murder mystery

hosted by me and Miss Bisselbender

tomorrow morning at the dollhouse store.

- Why? - What do you mean why?

Because I'm a creative little whippersnapper

and it's a fun, festive, almost-Halloween event

and, uh... yeah.

And you set it all up?

Yes, I mean I will, with Miss Bisselbender.

I'll be going over there early.

I've got the script right here.

That's what you were writing while Gene and I worked in the restaurant?

- Not that we noticed or anything. - Yes.

And we're supposed to be okay around all those dolls,

and we're supposed to solve a crime?

Yes. There are clues and it's a whole thing.

I want to do a dollhouse murder mystery.

No, it's not for grown-ups.

But Miss Bisselbender's a grown-up.

She plays with dolls.

Anyway, it's not for you, it's for Gene and Tina.

Gene, you'll do it, right?

Sure. I'm not doing anything else.

Well, what if I just come and watch?

What? No. Don't you have to run a restaurant?

Your own crime scene?

- Your dad can open. - Wait, by myself?

Yeah. Just for a bit.

But Teddy will probably come in

- and then it would just be me and Teddy. - Yeah, so?

Well, you know how he started doing hand and wrist exercises?

[all] Oh, yeah.

So now all he talks about is his grip strength.

Please, don't leave me alone with him.

He keeps making me shake hands with him

and he squeezes too hard and he says...

"Do you feel that? Do you feel that?"

- Okay, you can come. - Yay!

Ugh. Fine. I just feel like you two should find

people your own age to hang out with.

Here we are, ready to solve a doll murder,

and hopefully not be doll-murdered. [chuckles nervously]

Starting to rain.

Is that part of the mystery, do you think?

I don't know how she'd arrange it, but maybe?

Ooh.

"Private event." So exclusive.

Like Julian's exclusive thing, which is happening today.

Aw. Poor Gene.

I'm glad you're with us

instead of doing PlayStations with dumb boys.

- Mm. - Welcome.

Please, right this way, detectives.

I just like to murder the dolls for the photos,

and, clearly, as an act of aggression against my parents...

who I love. But Louise added this whole mystery thing.

So much work. This isn't for school?

Not at all. Better if the school doesn't know

about my murder pictures, actually.

- No problem. - So this is just for fun?

- Um, well, I mean, you know... - [clears throat]

Tina and Gene will be shown the scene of the crime,

they'll be able to interview the suspects,

to review evidence,

and then, they will be asked to solve the crime.

And I have coffee and bagels for the grown-ups.

- Did you say mimosas? - I, uh...

Sorry. Sometimes she thinks things sound like "mimosas."

One of these days, I'm gonna be right.

Coffee's good. Coffee's better.

- Thank you. - [Louise clears throat]

Can we do this?

So a group of men who once attended

the same fancy all-boys boarding school

have each received an invitation to come to this house...

The luxurious and remote estate of one of their classmates,

Mr. Sweater.

This was the scene last night at dinner.

This is Mr. Sweater at the head of the table.

[Tina] Handsome. For a doll.

This is Mr. Brown Suit, this is Mr. Tie, this is Mr. Funny Eyes,

this is Mr. Stiff Arms, and this is Mr. Jacket.

Tiny, beady-eyed, semi-handsome man dolls.

Thank you, Tina. Mr. Sweater explained

he recently learned something, something disturbing,

having to do with an incident

that happened back in their school days,

and he brought them all here to discuss it.

This much was overheard by the private chef, but nothing more.

What was Mr. Sweater upset about?

That's for you to uncover in the course of your investigation.

But here's what happened later that night...

- Ah! - Oh!

[Louise] Ready.

- [musical sting plays] - [all exclaim]

I'll be playing some sound effects on my phone.

- It's an app. - [thunder sound effect plays]

[Louise] That night, the chef discovered

Mr. Brown Suit dead on the floor in the living room.

He was bleeding from the side of his head.

And this decorative item was found on the floor nearby

with his blood all over it.

[gasps]

The chef called the police who arrived and called the coroner.

Mr. Brown Suit was pronounced dead at the scene.

The crime scene has remained untouched.

No one who was in the house at the time of Mr. Brown Suit's death

has been permitted to leave.

You two are the detectives who arrive

in order to question the guests and determine

- exactly what happened here. - [thunder crashing]

You should know there's a storm in the area.

It may cause periodic and possibly

theatrically dramatic blackouts.

- [thunder crashes] - Yup. Thank you.

Is there something written by where the body was?

Yes, Mr. Brown Suit appears to have written something in his own blood.

His right index finger would suggest that, anyway.

Oh, look at his little finger. Red.

It says "camel toe"?

- Wait. What? - Yup.

Huh.

I have questions. Not detective questions.

"Me to you" questions.

I can explain. It's like when a lady's pants--

No. I mean, not "what is it?" Why is it?

I didn't know about it till I went to a pool party

at my cousin Sheri's house.

She had on this tight florescent--

- Lin. - Mom!

Gene, please, just keep going.

- All will be revealed. - [groans]

Yeah, all of my cousin Sheri was revealed--

- Mom. - Sorry.

Did he move? Oh, God, did that doll fricking move?

No, that-- that's where he was.

Never mind. All good. [chuckles]

"Special hours today. Open at 12:30."

What? No! What? Why?

"Teddy, don't be upset.

Go home and use your gripper till then."

Okay. All right.

That's a good idea.

I wonder if I can do a thousand on each hand.

Bob's gonna flip out when I tell him I can do a thousand.

He'll be like, "What? No way.

Teddy, you just keep wowing me again and again."

So we interview the guests?

Yes. They're ready in the library.

You can use the room downstairs

to interrogate each one individually.

Okay, so, um,

let's ask some dolls some questions.

I'm totally comfortable with that.

Mr. Funny Eyes, where were you between the end of dinner

and the time Mr. Brown Suit's body was found?

I was in my room. I can prove it.

I live streamed my workout. I'm a personal trainer.

Interesting. Funny eyes. Serious body.

- Gene, make a note. - Mm.

[Tina] Mr. Stiff Arms.

Where were you between the end of dinner

and the time of the murder?

Going sideways through doorways?

[Louise] I went into town after dinner.

Mr. Jacket was with me.

You did, huh?

- [Louise] It's true. - Where'd you go in town? Alibis "R" Us?

I'm bad cop, you're good cop.

Unless you want to be bad cop?

I'm good. I mean, I'm good with good cop.

[Louise] We went to the cool jacket store.

'Cause we like cool jackets. As you can see.

I was in my room.

Can someone confirm that, Mr. Tie?

Yeah, Mr. Sweater saw me there. He came to talk to me.

- About what? - Old stuff.

You know, like "Hey, remember all that old stuff?"

Let's talk to Mr. Sweater.

So this is your house, you're the one who organized

- all this? - [Louise] Yes.

Interesting. Interesting.

You were talking to Mr. Tie

when Mr. Brown Suit was killed?

- [Louise] Yes. - What were you talking about?

Something that happened a long time ago,

when we were in our elite boys-only boarding school.

What was it? And don't leave out any details.

They might be important. Did all the boys shower at the same time?

That's just an example of a detail that might be important.

- But did they? - [Louise] Sometimes.

Hmm. Mm...

[Louise] I learned recently that there was an event.

Something that I wasn't invited to.

What kind of event?

A small Halloween gathering at Mr. Jacket's.

- Louise, what is this? - Just then, you hear a scream.

- [scream sound effect plays] - And... ready.

- [others exclaim] - [musical sting plays]

- [Louise] Mr. Tie is dead. - [Tina and Gene] Whoa!

It appears he's had a fall when the lights were off.

Or was he pushed? A lot?

Would you like to examine the scene?

[Gene] Has he got something in his pocket?

Is it a piece of paper?

Huh. Looks like a tiny newspaper clipping.

Oh. Tiny clue.

Um, how much of this did Louise explain to you?

'Cause I assumed everything,

but I'm starting to think maybe nothing.

- Explain what? - Um, this.

[Linda] That you're a nice lady who does creepy stuff

in a totally cute, not creepy at all dollhouse store,

and Louise got excited?

Uh, well, it's... it's more than that.

Uh, does it involve camel toe?

- Yup. - Yup, I figured.

Um, lot of talking over there.

Sorry, we'll whisper.

It's kind of, um, there's some backstory.

Ooh, backstory.

- The whispering's louder somehow. - Sorry.

[Teddy] Nine hundred and...

ninety-nine...

[grunts] One thousand!

Oh! Yes!

Oh, Teddy, you did it!

[laughs]

Ah, it's not 12:30 yet. Damn it.

Eh, maybe I'll text Bob. He'll want to know.

Oh, God, my hands. They won't close.

No! What have I done?

Ah! Ah! My hands!

[Louise] Mr. Tie's twisted body has been removed.

You have the article you found in his pocket?

What'd you learn from that?

That there was an accident at the boarding school

when all these boys were seniors.

A teacher fell from a third-floor window and died.

- Oh, no. Sad. - Shh.

- What? It is. - Shh.

Okay.

So, any questions for these fellas?

- Yeah. Who did it? - Did what?

Killed Mr. Brown Suit and maybe Mr. Tie.

And why are teachers falling out of windows?

[Louise] Mr. Sweater. Mr. Sweater must have killed

Mr. Brown Suit and Mr. Tie.

Aha! Or, uh, why?

[Louise] He's the one who brought us here.

He's not the killer. He just wants to know

why he wasn't invited to your gathering.

Gene. You can't let your personal feelings

influence your judgment about the case.

Yes, I can. Because my personal feelings

are part of it for some reason.

- Why is this about me? - It's not.

- Wait. Is it? - I mean...

Ready.

- [Gene] Ah! - [Tina] Oh!

[Louise] Mr. Stiff Arms.

Another accident? Tripped and fell?

- Mr. Stiff. - It's Mr. Stiff Arms.

- What'd I say? - You said Mr. Stiff.

You're Mr. Stiff.

Geez. Power outages.

This is a very dangerous place to have intermittent power problems.

You think he fell, um, under the couch leg somehow?

[Louise] I didn't do it, I swear.

Well, I didn't do it. I didn't move.

Either one of you could have.

The only one I don't suspect is the chef.

The chef was hiding behind the door.

Damn it.

We've got three bodies and three suspects.

Mr. Funny Eyes is a personal trainer.

Probably super strong, super-tight core, tight buns.

- Could he be doing this? - I don't know.

Can we skip ahead to the end and you tell us all what's going on?

Gene, can you just play a little longer? Please?

[grumbles]

Gene, we've gotta ask about that teacher that died.

That has to be important. Are you with me, partner?

Okay, fine. I'll ask.

So why doesn't someone tell us what happened

on that day at the school

when the teacher fell out the window?

[Louise] Well, we didn't push her or anything.

Mr. Funny Eyes, shut up!

You don't have to say anything about that.

"We," Mr. Funny Eyes? Who's we?

[Louise] All of us. We were all there.

I mean, till Mr. Sweater left.

He had to go number two.

- [gasps] Number two. - Mom, shh.

- Yup. - Ready.

We flash back to the boarding school 20 years ago.

We're in the library, on the third floor.

It's a study period.

All the boys were there except Mr. Sweater.

The teacher was named Miss Bickelbonger.

[musical sting plays]

Uh, Miss Bickelbonger was the proctor for a study period in library.

She was wearing a pair of pants that fit a bit more

snugly than she thought, and were maybe a bit clingy.

And the thing is, she had worn them before at school,

and so me and some of the other boys had some running jokes about it.

Shut up, Mr. Funny Eyes!

I'm telling what happened, Mr. Jacket!

Not if I break your face!

That's enough. Gene, hold Mr. Jacket.

Mr. Funny Eyes, continue.

[Louise] There were tall windows on the third floor

and Miss Bickelbonger got up to open them

and let in some air and, um, when she turned back around,

- she noticed us whispering and giggling. - [phone rings]

- [all gasp] - Sorry. Sorry.

[voicemail message] Please leave me a message.

Voicemail! No! Bob!

I-- I can't use my hands. I can't turn the doorknob.

I can't do anything.

Eh, it took me so long to dial the phone with my nose.

Please! Pick up!

[automated voice] If you're satisfied with your message, please press one.

[groans, grunts]

Um, it's on silent now. I think.

- I can't tell, actually. - Bob, shh.

- Yup. - Right.

Louise, I don't know how you know any of this stuff

and I'm confused and I don't like it.

I don't know how to say anything except to just...

can we keep going just a little bit longer, please?

Ugh, fine.

Okay, so Mr. Funny Eyes continues...

We were giggling.

Miss Bickelbonger asked what the laughing was about.

And we didn't answer, but Miss Bickelbonger,

she sort of followed our eyes, I guess.

And then she saw what we were laughing at,

and she started tugging at her pants,

and that made us laugh more.

And Mr. Jacket was laughing the most.

And she was pretty upset at that point,

and he kept laughing, even after we stopped,

and she kinda backed up

and she was also still trying to adjust her pants,

and she backed right up to that big open window

and she just... went over backwards.

[doll thuds]

[Linda] Death by camel toe.

- Toe-micide. - And then what?

We lied!

We didn't tell the police anything.

We said none of us saw her fall.

Mr. Jacket made us swear we'd never tell.

And we felt bad, but we went along with it

'cause I guess we just wanted to move on, you know?

Ivy League universities don't love it

if you've laughed someone out a window.

Even back then it was frowned upon.

Too bad Miss Bickelbonger couldn't move on.

'Cause she was dead!

[thunder crashing]

- Storm. - Yeah, I know.

- Sorry, you looked confused. - I'm not confused.

- I'm just standing here watching. - Shh.

[musical sting plays]

- [Gene] Whoa. - [Tina] Whoa.

Okay, that's you, Mr. Jacket.

You just did that, um, somehow.

And we know the motive.

To keep him quiet about what happened.

[Louise] If I was trying to do that, I would've done it sooner.

Plus, your partner is restraining me.

All right, then, um, Mr. Sweater, you're the killer after all.

[Louise] I would never hurt anyone.

Oh, perfect Mr. Sweater!

"I would never hurt anyone."

This is why I didn't invite you to my gathering back then.

You're too nice. You were always like,

"Don't make that very funny running joke

about Miss Bickelbonger's pants situation."

That's why you didn't invite me?

- [gasps] - [thunder crashing]

- Ah! - [Tina] Oh, boy.

- Whoa, the head's gone. - Okay. Case solved, right?

Mr. Sweater did it for revenge?

He killed them all for revenge?

- Did he, Gene? - No.

- No? - No!

You're correct. It was...

- The chef? - Correct.

- The chef. The chef did it. - Yes.

- I called it. - No. They just-- [scoffs]

You can't predict the murderer after the case is solved.

- I knew it was him. - I don't think you did.

Yes, I said it's either Mr. Jacket, Mr. Stiff,

Mr. Sweater, Mr. Tie, or the chef.

So, one of the characters in the story did it.

Uh, yes. Hello?

- Right. No, no, that's-- - Pay attention, Bob.

- Yep. - Wait. Why was it the chef?

What was the motive?

Because the chef is not a boring old-man chef.

- Yeah, Bob. - Mm.

It is, in fact, Mr. Sweater's sister, Miss Sweater!

[musical sting plays]

The chef is Mr. Sweater's sister?

Yeah. She hated what they did to her brother,

and she killed them all in revenge.

Wait, what did they do to her brother?

- Not invite him to the thing. - So she killed them?

- All those years later? - Yes.

I don't want to play anymore.

[stammers] Louise!

What the heck is going on with you and Gene?

Louise murdered a bunch of Miss Bisselbender's parents' dolls

instead of telling me something she wants to tell me!

Is that right?

Uh...

- Is that right? - Yes.

- [gameshow bell rings] - Ooh.

- [Linda] Louise? - Uh...

- Can I help? - Please.

This is what I was trying to say before.

Um, a week ago, I was subbing in the sixth-grade homeroom.

Uh, Gene is wonderful, by the way.

- Yeah, he is. - Really?

- Yeah. - I mean, at school?

Uh, are you kidding me?

Yeah, uh, yeah. Of course.

And I was a good sub. Press play on the movie,

press stop at the end of the period.

And one day we had "library," which is great for a sub.

You just bring the kids to the library.

But, turns out that the fourth grade

also had library during that period,

so I came across Louise, who I didn't know at the time,

and she was just sort of standing there

and then I realized

that she was listening to some sixth-grade boys

talking on the other side of the shelves.

[Julian] Hey, did you catch the substitute's camel toe?

- [laughter] - [boy] Yeah.

- [Louise] And Gene said... - [Gene] What's camel toe?

[Louise] And they told him, and he and I learned what that means

and I don't see what the big deal is.

Mom, I think you have that a lot.

- [Linda] What? - [Louise] And then Gene said...

[Gene] Guys, come on. Miss Bisselbender's nice. I like her.

[Louise] And they stopped laughing and you said...

[Gene] Speaking of camels,

I've got a hump that I've gotta go take care of,

if you know what I mean.

I've gotta go to the bathroom, is what I'm saying.

Mr. Ambrose, I need a bathroom pass

and can you mark it "express"? That'd be great.

[Louise] And then they said...

[boy] Hey, are you gonna invite Gene to your gathering?

[Julian] Yeah, I don't know, he's kind of a Goody Two-shoes.

I mean, could we even joke around?

[boy] Yeah, I need to talk about Miss Bisselbender's pants situation.

- [laughter] - I-- I need to process.

- Those tweeny twerps. - Yeah. I heard them.

We both heard them.

I didn't fall out of a window, but it was awkward.

I was gonna talk to the boys, but then I wasn't sure what to say.

And I didn't even know Louise was Gene's sister until yesterday.

And I was about to say something to those idiots,

but I didn't. I choked.

Then at lunch that day, I was about to tell you.

But I didn't because I would have to admit

that I didn't say anything in the library.

And it's the exact opposite of what you did.

You just said the nice, decent thing without even thinking about it.

Then walking home, I was about to tell you.

And at home, I was about to tell you.

And then I tried to just not think about it

and I didn't even know if they were still having

the stupid gathering, but then you found out about it

on Friday, and I went through it all again.

And then we saw Miss Bisselbender in here.

And she showed us the crime scene pictures and I just...

I just wanted to make a dollhouse murder mystery

that somehow, uh, was like, um...

An explanation and an apology and a compliment

using murder, for a sweet kid who doesn't judge people

by their possibly too tight pants situations,

and who I think made a real impression on his sister.

Yeah. All of that.

And I didn't know Mom and Dad were gonna come.

It was cooler in my mind without them.

Aww, you're welcome.

Anyway, sorry.

So you're saying you didn't know how to tell me

that the reason I didn't get invited to the party

is because I'm too wonderful?

- Yeah. - I get that. It's hard on the others.

Louise, you can also tell me.

- Next time, right? Big sister? - I know.

- Or your mom. - Uh, I'm, uh, also an option.

- I'm a good listener. - People, please.

What can I say? I communicate this way now.

I want to do a dollhouse murder mystery

- about who broke the remote. - [Bob] Wait, what?

[Louise] Mom and Dad, pay the woman. We're taking this home.

- [Linda] No. - [Bob] We can't get that.

Damn it. What about this one? It's smaller,

but it's got a great layout and a lot of natural light.

- No. - Sorry.

This one's got blood all over it, probably discounted.

I mean, it's thread.

Come on! Are we not walking out of here with a dollhouse

to remember how Gene stood up

for Miss Bisselbender's camel toe?

[Linda] Not today, hon.