Original subtitles

Hi, YouTube.

Welcome to Rogu unbox candle.

Ooh, yeah, I love unboxing videos.

All the thrill of opening a box without all the stress!

You like this, but you refuse to watch my YouTubes

where I eat dangerously old army food from World War II.

Ooh. "Spicy Apple Pie",

"Old Car Smell",

and "Root Beer With Your New Stepdad".

Does he like it? I hope he likes it.

He always likes it!

Smell good.

Yes.

Is he okay?

Has anyone seen Rogu recently?

Oh no, this video was posted three days ago!

Rogu!

That smell...

I'll never be your dad,

but I'd love to be your Doug.

Whoa, that was so real.

Hey anyone seen an "87 Pistons Locker Room" candle lying around?

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

I think he's feeling better.

Aww.

Gross.

And of course Roger's not here.

He's always working at that dang greasy spoon diner

and now it's our responsibility to take care of Rogu?

Not that I mind spending time with him. Love the little stinker.

Rogu and I share a Roblox account, so we've seen some shit.

Oof. My dogs are barking!

Had to work a triple 'cause Miriam finally had her baby.

Cesarean, huge mess.

Long ass day, but it's all worth it to bring home... eleven dollars?

Okay, what is it? What's up everyone's butt?

Rogu is sick!

He looks fine to me. Probably needs a little snack.

- Aah! - Mama knows just how you like it Rogu,

all powder.

Roger, you're never around.

And frankly, even when you are,

you're not much of a father to Rogu.

Father? Look at me! Have some respect for the boobies...

and call me Mama! It's hard to be a single parent!

I know you all got upset when I drove to Atlantic City

with Rogu on the roof of my car,

but I've been trying to be better! I quit smoking,

I got rid of a lot of the asbestos in the attic,

and I only let Rogu have one wine cooler a day.

What more do you want from me?

You could potty train him instead of just leaving pee pads all over.

You could give him a bedtime, or at the very least, a bed.

You could save his immortal soul and baptize him already!

You guys overreact about everything,

Rogu doesn't even look sick.

That's a boredom cough.

I know what will make my baby feel better!

Ha-ha! Got you again, Rogu!

Frickin' family always judging me.

I'm sick of it. I'm a great mama.

Ah, your Lunchable broke open.

There's little ham and cheeses everywhere.

I'd buy you a pretzel, but I spent my last eleven bucks on this bottle of Lagunitas.

Water.

Ah, that's what I'm talking about.

Hmm. Do you need that guy, Rogu?

Like, did he serve an important role inside of you

or was he more of like a middle management type?

I guess he was important.

Okay, I was finally able to determine that Rogu is indeed sick.

Well, what are we going to do?

We can't take him to a regular doctor.

Why? Because I'm a single mother and the world's against us?

No, because he's an alien!

- Oh. - I know an inexpensive--

I mean, a great doctor we can see!

It's a good thing you brought him in!

He is clearly suffering.

I remember when he was just a little tumor growing off your alien's head.

I know exactly what to do.

- Great.

Oh, not this, I have to make a quick work call.

Maureen, you sloppy bitch, I need you to cover my shift tonight...

What? I never called you a sloppy bitch! Where'd you hear that?

Billy! I need twelve ounces of the solution and my medium calipers.

With haste, Billy!

Quickly now with the salve!

Salve me, Billy!

Now tuck your feet and cross your arms...

this is the tricky part...

- Success! - What?

This is exactly the conversation piece my wall of oddities was missing!

Stop squirming! You're making streaks on the glass!

This is what you were doing?

Don't worry, I'll backlight him so he looks very spooky.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Oh, I am! But not about this!

There's nowhere else we can take Rogu,

so we either figure it out or he dies.

I'm gonna be on team "Figure It Out",

who's with me?

- I'm with you! - Me, too!

- We got this, gang. - Are you [bleep] crazy?

We're not [bleep] doctors!

I don't even clip my own toenails,

I go to a licensed esthetician.

Oh, I am totally bummed about Rogu.

But if something were to happen to him, God forbid,

I want you all to know that I can fill in as the cute weirdo that everyone loves.

Klaus eat too many uncooked rices.

Hey!

Look how cute and purple Rogu looks!

He's not breathing!

We need to do a tracheotomy to get air into his lungs!

I just saw Doc McStuffins do this to a penguin squeaky toy.

I need a straw!

You're gonna stab a hole in his throat?

You have trouble opening a Capri-Sun!

Pull yourself together!

Roger, where are his lungs?

I don't know!

Doesn't know where his son's lungs are... typical.

- Ugh.

He's going from lavender to indigo!

That wasn't his lungs!

Try again! Save my sweet baby!

You did it!

That was scary.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to find any joy in life agai--

Wow, this is everything we could possibly need.

It's cool the CIA let you borrow all this stuff.

Well, at first, Dr. Weitzman was like,

"Stan, you can't barge in and take all my lab equipment."

And then he was all, "Please Stan,

don't leave me in the trunk like this, I'll do anything!"

Okay, Maureen flaked, but I got Linda to cover for me.

I just have to snake-sit for her while she's on the Train cruise,

a boat cruise featuring the band Train.

Not to be confused with the Cruise train,

a sexual position that requires Tom Cruise and at least three other people.

Roger! Get your disgusting purse off my patient!

That purse is nasty. I swear there's a rat living in it.

That's not a rat, that's Rogu's pet gerbil, Mr. Business!

And let me tell ya, Mr. Business is all play.

Okay, we have no idea what's wrong with Rogu

but we need to somehow figure it out and then cure him.

Do you hear yourself?

We have no idea what we're doing,

Rogu is doomed!

Hayley! Get him out of here!

You fools! No one plays God and gets away with it! Not even God!

Let's brainstorm.

Let's hear everyone's thoughts about how to save Rogu.

Okay, I grabbed every type of medicine the CIA had.

We could just start injecting Rogu with random stuff.

We sometimes do that at work when we're bored.

Tuttle's a certified Reiki healer.

I could make his favorite soup,

Ramen cooked in Diet Dr. Pepper--

Jeff, I noticed you're being quiet.

I don't think I should say my idea because I have no experience.

I've never been to the doctor.

That means you have fresh eyes.

Tell us your idea, Fresh Eyes.

Well, when I was curious about myself,

Hayley got me a book all about my body and me.

Maybe Roger has a book like that.

That would be very helpful!

Roger, do you have a medical book for your alien species?

Not sure, but I can check.

I do have a DVD of my species' remake of Patch Adams

but our version is more of a sexual thriller.

♪ Yes, we have no bananas ♪

♪ We have no bananas today ♪

This is the kind of dumb crap Rogu would do, right?

I'm using most of my energy to make my eyes all wonky.

Hey, I did have a medical book for my alien species!

And it's written in English?

Most stuff in the galaxy is in English.

Frasier is that popular.

Wow, this book is perfect.

It lists every illness Rogu could possibly have.

Thank you, Jeff!

Jeff? It's my book!

Any idiot can own a book,

but Jeff had the genius idea to look for a book.

We can rule out a Solar Sinus Infection and Nasal-Gumps

because Rogu doesn't have a nose or ears.

Roger, are you going to help?

I am helping!

I'm loving my son the way only a mama can!

Is that an energy drink?

Chill out, it's apple juice.

Well, a hard cider. It's the only way I can get him to eat his fruit!

Check it out, we've narrowed it down to just two diseases.

Great! Let's give Rogu the cure for each of those.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. The wrong medicine could kill him.

Shoot! This is way too complicated!

I finally get why doctors are all such assholes.

Sorry about freaking out earlier.

I did a guided meditation, I'm popping my calming bubbles. I'm ready to help.

Good news, we've figured out that Rogu either has AstroPox

or Cranial Vein Thrombosis.

Perfect, those are two very-normal not-completely- made-up-sounding diseases.

Are we sure he doesn't have Gloop-Gloop or Slorg-Borg?

Oh no! What's happening?

He's having a seizure!

We gotta sedate him! I'll get the medicine, you restrain him!

I'll get his arms--

You guys grab his legs.

Why does Mr. S sound like a lady?

Never mind I think I get it.

Not so funny now, huh, Jeff?

Will you two please--

Knock it off.

Hey, can I get one of those shots to mellow me out?

Come on, I quit smoking, I need something!

How about a hug?

You're bad at hugging.

Lab work always calms my nerves.

Let's relax and take a look at this sample of Rogu's blood.

Sweetie, you look a little warm.

I think you might have a fever.

Hey! It says here that Cranial Vein Thrombosis

only occurs in children under two.

That means if Rogu is older than two...

We would know he has AstroPox!

Roger! How old is Rogu?

Um...

- Are you kidding me? - Doesn't know how old his son is... Wow.

Of course I know! And I happen to have Rogu's baby book in my purse.

In here somewhere...

Knott's Berry Farm park map from 2008...

some of these rides are gone, I don't wanna lose this...

I'm sorry, what am I looking for?

Oh, baby book!

I can now confidently tell you that Rogu is... three years old.

Bam! I know my son's age, suck it!

Rogu has AstroPox!

Let's cure this freak of nature!

- That's a good sign, right? - I'm not sure.

- Is that a good twitch, Francine? - Leave me alone, Stan!

♪ I got the special sauce To make the whole world dance ♪

♪ I found the secret plans For getting in your pants ♪

This seems like a good sign!

Listen to him shred! Rogu's back, baby!

Rogu? You okay, honey?

You gonna finish your song?

We killed him!

We're gonna burn!

But hell is too good a place for what we've done.

Oh, God,

that was what is known as a Pre-Death Funky Energy Rush.

How could this happen?

- Oh, I believe I know how this happened.

- Rogu's baby book is blank.

Okay fine, I don't know how old he is! Are you happy now?

No, because you made us give him the wrong medicine!

I'm sorry!

All I wanted was one moment where everyone thought I was a good parent.

But look what I did to my son.

For the first time in my life, I'm gonna do the right thing.

I'm gonna abandon my child.

- Not now, Klaus.

I didn't say anything yet!

I was simply going to ask if any of you felt a little off?

Now that you mention it,

I'm starting to feel like I'm dying.

Babe, what's happening?

Rogu must be contagious!

Whatever the hell he has, now we've caught it too!

But I have lunch plans!

You're never eating lunch again because we're all going to die!

No, I'm not supposed to go this way,

I'm supposed to be shot and killed by Shakira's bodyguards!

I'll be back to take your orders.

This isn't a menu. It's an eight by ten of a monster.

That's my son, Rogu.

He's very sick but he's a strong boy.

He once ate a bicycle in one sitting.

Slurped it up like spaghetti.

Strong. He always gets the biggest soda at the movies,

like a muscleman.

- Can we get waters and, um... utensils. - No.

Are we still waiting on one more?

Our mate Jeff Fischer ain't 'ere

cause 'e an 'is 'ole family is sick.

Oh, no, now they're sick?

Hold up, I'm sorry... What is with this random-ass crew?

Sllort, Marty, the Working Class Brit

who owns the sunglass place at the mall,

Tommie Tokes, and Wilbur Kentucky?

Well, aren't you a sweet looking thing.

You're all friends?

Jeff introduced us all.

'E's a real curator of personalities.

God I just want to quit and sit down with y'all

but I gotta not quit and just leave!

Grunklebean!

- Oh, ew.

Roger... save us.

Don't worry, I'm here to rescue you.

Oh, I know what always helps, a humidifier!

You traded it for a button maker on Craigslist.

Oh, yeah.

It's official. Everyone's gonna die.

Rogu love you. Aw.

There's more!

Rogu believe in you.

But stop spinning.

- Spin make Rogu--

Oh, sweetie, that means the world to me.

This whole time I've been worried what other people think of me,

but you're all that matters, Rogu.

I'm not giving up! I'm gonna save you, Rogu!

What about us?

I'm saving everyone, time permitting.

Mmm.

Love that toxic smell.

Toxic smell?

Toxic smell, of course!

Rogu started getting sick when that box of candles arrived!

It's the candles!

Huh. Says that the ingredients are all organic...

probably full of it like Amy and her bullshit burritos.

Smells fine though.

Only one way to really know...

Crap, that's good.

These are delicious.

But if it's not the candles making everyone sick, what else could it be?

It's not playtime, Mr. Business.

Mr. Business!

Hmm?

Wow. The smell of these packing bubbles is taking me back.

Reminds me of that crazy summer

I spent in Pyongyang working at the sarin gas factory.

Steve, did I ever tell you about that crazy summer

I spent working in Pyongyang at the sarin gas factory?

I just... want to die...

That's funny, that's what everyone in the sarin gas factory was always saying!

Wait a second, sarin gas!

Made in a facility that processes peanuts and sarin gas!

That's it! That's what's making everyone sick!

I did it, I figured it out!

Dance with me, Stan!

- Help us. - Fine.

Google says the first thing to do is to get you some fresh air

and I know the perfect place!

Where am I?

Oh, my God!

Thank you, Roger. You saved our lives.

And you bought us Dippin' Dots!

But Rogu's still sick,

so it couldn't have been the sarin gas.

- Not to worry, I won't rest until I figure out--

Can someone turn off that tea kettle or whatever is?

It's Rogu's heart monitor!

But luckily it's only one of his three hearts.

Hayley?

I'm so sorry, Roger...

Nothing...

My sweet Rogu is gone?

What started off as a tumor growing from your head

became a part of our family.

We all loved Rogu,

but no one had a more beautiful connection than what you two had.

Wait. What did you just say?

I honestly have no idea.

Once something is out of my mouth, it's like a fart in the wind.

Tumor... connection...

Oh, my God! That's it!

Rogu is a giant tumor that grew off of me.

And we're still connected.

So anything I do directly affects Rogu.

When I quit smoking,

it might have been good for me,

but it was terrible for Rogu, because--

Because he's a tumor!

Smoking is good for a tumor!

Exactly! But Steve, don't cut me off again this is kinda my big moment.

- We can still save Rogu? - I think so,

I just need to do stuff that's good for tumors.

Like what?

Someone nuke me!

It's working!

Yeah, but to fully heal him, I'm gonna need to do a whole lot more.

Oh, sick, love this song.

♪ Your love is like bad medicine ♪

♪ Bad medicine is what I need ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, shake it up just like bad medicine ♪

♪ There ain't no doctor that can cure my disease ♪

What up, sluts?

Rogu!

Roger, I'm sorry for ever judging your parenting.

Everything we nagged you about,

the smoking, the asbestos in the attic...

was actually keeping Rogu healthy!

You really are one hell of a mama.

Aw, you guys are too sweet.

Rogu! Thank God you're okay.

I was so worried about you!

Then what that?

That old thing? It's been there for years!

He's got his strength back!

Man, what a day.

This was all one day?