Original subtitles

Damn, it feels good to have the old boardwalk back!

This place is awesome!

I used to dominate this place as a teenager.

"queen of the boardwalk" I used to call me.

You know, these places are terrible

For the coastal environment.

[ all groan ]

Plus the last two boardwalks literally washed away.

Just seems like a big waste of money.

And besides, all these boards

Are a major splinter hazard for people,

Like me, who exclusively wear open-toed shows --

A historically marginalized group!

Klaus: Whoa! Check out that guy's package

Jiggling like crazy!

[ all cheering ]

Sell it!

[ wolf-whistles ]

Um, welcome to the boardwalk!

♪♪

♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

The langley boardwalk's back!

Featuring many old favorites,

Like the octocoaster and fudge-mania!

But also many new favorites,

Like a second fudge-mania location

And skimboardo's --

The exclusive new restaurant on the pier.

Let's go now to the new boardwalk's confident architect!

Thank you for coming to what I can say,

Without a doubt,

Is langley falls'

Sturdiest boardwalk ever!

[ cheers and applause ] wahoo!

And to make certain, we drove the support beams

Two miles down into the earth's core!

This baby ain't going nowhere!

Seems a little excessive.

Not to mention the mole people that must've been displaced.

Shh!

And now to hit

The ceremonial final spike,

Opening us for business...

Wrestling superstar and my personal friend...

Bret "the hitman" hart!

[ cheers and applause ]

Ha ha ha! Yeah! Whoo!

[ clang ] [ rumbling ]

-Yeah! -What was that rumble?

Oh I don't know, hayley.

Maybe just pro wrestling illustrated's

"most hated wrestler of 1997"

Kicking off the best goddamn summer ever!

I'll catch up with you guys later.

I'm gonna hit up some skee-ball.

Back in the day, I was nasty.

Anyway, I wanna see if the old man's still got his touch!

Gimme that, bitch.

We gotta get to skimboardo's asap

If we want to get a table.

Rude. So, what are you --

I'm gonna go apply for my dream job --

Working at the saltwater-taffy store!

Huh. I had no idea that was your dream job.

Did you know taffy was my favorite food?

No...

And did you know stores

Are my favorite places that sell things?

I -- I never -- no, I guess?

Then I understand your confusion.

Bye!

Actually, maybe I did know

Stores are his favorite places that sell things.

Anyway, I'm gonna get some dippin' dots.

I'll find you when I'm done.

Ugh. 'course I pick today to forget my bow biters.

I'm gonna be tying these puppies all day.

Hey, pal. Are you gonna be here for a second?

Do you mind keeping an eye on my kid?

I was actually just tying my shoes.

Great. Thanks.

Yoooo...

Made a sick itinerary of my old faves.

Only playing the hits today.

A full henna sleeve,

Loitering outside the boogie-board shop,

And I think I'll start with some boardwalk pizza.

Okay. See ya!

Oh! Maybe I'll hang with you!

Ooooh. I don't know.

I kinda wanted today to be fun.

Wh-- what? I'm fun!

Girl, have you heard yourself this morning?

You're always looking for problems!

And I've been waiting 20 years for this.

Today I'm team good vibes only.

Come on, mom! Give me a chance!

I'll be positive! I promise! Oh, yeah?

I've been thinking about getting into...Fracking.

Ohh...Tight...

Klaus: And, oh, boy, was my dad screamin'!

But my jaw had locked by that point

So I couldn't have let go even if I wanted to.

Enough! That story was fine for walkin', but we're here.

This place is buzzin'. But I got a plan.

We're gonna tell them we're dining here...On business.

Oh, ho, ho, ho! Genius.

Business is so important. They'll have to respect that!

Hi. Hello.

My colleague and I would like to dine here...

On business.

Well, we're all booked up for months,

But you're welcome to sit at the bar

And see if anything opens up.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. I hear what you're saying.

And what's the status on that table...A-now?

The status is we're completely booked,

But you're welcome to wait at the bar.

What the hell?! The bar?!

What, is the piss-soaked bathroom floor already full?!

Well, we can't leave now. We're already a hundo in.

Fine. But I won't be showing any bartenders my balls!

This restaurant has lost that privilege!

[ bell dings ]

Still unstoppable!

This must be how tom brady felt --

When he read the script for "80 for brady"!

[ bell dings ]

Whoa! That ties my all-time best!

What the -- someone really got 850?!

[ slurping ]

[ whimpers ]

You're fine, stan. You're the best.

Just slowly extract that little worm's soul

With these nine balls made of --

What even is this?

It's brown like wood, but it's, like,

Heavy and light at the same time.

Hey, what are these balls made of? Masonite.

Masonite. That's great news.

What the hell is masonite?!

Your dad's been gone a while.

I'm steve. What's your name?

Noah.

Cool. Like noah's ark.

Classic tale. Very cool.

So, what are you into these days?

Purple. Hm. Yeah.

Can I tell you a secret?

Of course!

But full disclosure --

I do tell my friend snot everything.

Poop. [ giggles ]

[ inhales sharply ] snot'll actually love that.

[ seagulls crying ]

I'm here to apply for my dream job!

Well, you're in luck. We're short-staffed.

And you seem like a great guy.

Can you start right now?

You bet I can!

Mm, beautiful, isn't she?!

But listen. You're gonna want to touch it.

Don't do it.

♪ even though it's sooo beautiful ♪

Come on!

Here we go. A great apron for a great man.

[muffled talking]

Damn. Couldn't have happened to a better guy.

You gotta learn to fold it with one hand

So you can hold your forty in the other.

Mmm! That was lucky.

Your pizza was on the ground,

And no seagulls tried to grab it.

There actually... Aren't any seagulls.

That's -- that's kinda weird, right?

Jesus, hayley!

You really can't help but look for problems, can you?!

No seagulls is a good thing!

Look. I can just toss my pizza on the ground,

Walk away...

Walk back, and it's still there,

Untouched!

A bird-less boardwalk is the dream!

Just accept something good is happening!

Mmm! Come on.

Toss your pizza. See how good it feels.

Or can you not handle team good vibes?

'course I can! Does this answer your question?

Oh. Wow. Bad.

Nuh-unh! I can still eat it!

I like it sandy-style!

Did you see all those rats running inland?

Well, yeah, and the seabirds have clearly figured it out.

They're all gone.

Animals are smart. They knew before we did.

A tsunami is coming.

I wonder where all them birds went, anyway.

[ birds chirping ]

It'd be foolish

Not to carbo-load before my big hike!

[ seagulls cooing ]

You got this, al.

Don't panic. Don't panic.

Panic!

[ seagulls shrieking ] [ tuttle screams ]

Sorry. Excuse me. Hi.

Did you just say... A tsunami's coming?!

No, I haven't said a word in three hours.

There we go! I'm back in the game!

Apparently when we put those extra-deep,

Extra-safe pilings two miles into the ground...

[ clang ] ...We accidentally hit a fault line.

That line runs out under the ocean,

Where it triggered an earthquake,

Creating a tidal wave that's heading right at us.

Great. Great. And, um...

I shouldn't be losing my shit because...?

This would only be a big deal

If it wasn't totally under control.

I've assembled the beach's hottest lifeguards,

And we're finalizing a plan to diffuse the wave right now.

So don't go telling everybody.

It'll just create a panic, a needless panic.

Because everything's gonna be totally fine.

Totally fine, you say?

Totally fine. [ laughter ]

Oh, hey, mom! I'm loving this vibe!

But, um, can I talk to you about something I just saw real quick?

This sounds like boardwalk gossip! Great vibes!

Hayley, thanks for making such an effort

To be cool today.

I appreciate it.

Anyway, what's the board-goss?!

Everything's gonna be totally fine.

Totally fine, you say?

Totally fine.

Alright. I'm taking your word for it.

I don't want to ruin this moment with my mom.

Wait. You didn't say that last part before.

Yeah, we're working through some recent stuff.

Gotcha. Francine: Come onnnn!

I actually gotta go. Byyyyyyye!

Give! Me! The goss!

The gossip? Um, I, uh, just saw...

A bunch of hot lifeguards...?

Oh, my god! That is good gossip!

Lifeguards are sooooooo hotttttttt!

Welcome to team good vibes, hayley!

I gave her a hundred bucks! How are we stuck at the bar?!

I want my four jager bombs

Sitting in a regular-sized chair

Directly across from you -- like a gentleman!

That's messed up, man! Memphis, you're famous.

Go demand a table and bring us with you!

I'm sorry. I don't eat.

Use your celebrity! No.

Uggghhh! You're boning us, dude!

Whoa! These drinks are not cheap.

Uhp. Forgot my credit card.

How much cash you got on you?

Nada, dawg. I figured you'd cover this

Since I paid for the sonicare head we both share.

Hi, there. Lovin' the bar.

Beautiful space.

Hey. Can we get a partial refund on that bribe?

But we definitely do still want the next table.

Roger, grab the tablecloth and put it over the podium.

We can eat here!

I wouldn't call any of them my "girlfriend" per se.

But -- but all high-potential situations, you know?

Um, d-does that answer your question?

Are you hungry?

We can't go far, but there's a nacho stand right there.

No way!

My friend tommy said nachos

Are too spicy for me,

And now I'm scared to try them.

Aw, buddy. You'll be fine. Don't listen to tommy.

Everyone knows he's a [bleep] suckin'

Mother [bleep] [bleep] dip [bleep] stinky pants.

[ giggles ]

I'll even take the first bite

Just to make sure.

Hmm...

Okay!

Attaboy!

I may also grab a pretzel.

Or has tommy been running his mouth about those, too? Noah?

N-noah?!

Noah?! Noaaaahhh?!

Oh! Oh, thank god! There you are!

Never do that to me again!

I'm sorry. You just scared me.

Oh, thank god.

[ bell dings ] how am I getting worse?!

I'm never gonna catch him.

I gotta do something!

Of course!

[ pen clicks ]

Welp. Looks like you win.

Just wanted to say congrat-- what's this?!

Oh, my god!

Look what just fell out of this kid's pocket!

Schematics for 9/11!

This kid helped plan 9/11!

Um, I wasn't alive for 9/11.

You don't need to call the cops or anything.

I believe in second chances.

But you do need to disqualify all his scores!

Sir! Before I do anything, you're gonna have to

Explain to me what 9/11 is.

We're crushing this day, hayles!

After this, we'll head down to the beach,

Blast some eminem real loud, and smoke salvia right next

To a family with a bunch of little kids.

Yeah. Sounds, um, perfect.

[ rats squeaking ]

I, um, just remembered

I left my can of dip on the back of the crapper.

Be right back!

Oh! Good! You actually do have a plan!

We have the tightest plan.

These backpacks have dynamite

Left over from the boardwalk construction.

We're gonna cruise out, drop it,

And trigger a "retaliatory wave,"

Resulting in zero net waves!

Tsunami neutralized.

And I'll be smokin' these dudes at mini golf by sunset.

I'm uh, not sure that's how water works.

Well, this is the plan, and we only got time for one,

So how about some good vibes, lady?

It'll work. Watch for yourself.

Hot lifeguards! Mount up!

Everyone got your red things?!

[ all cheer ]

♪♪

[ engines revving ]

♪♪

Help! Throw me your red thing!

[ sizzling ]

Good catch!

Wrong red thing!

Eee! [ water splashes ]

[ whale moans ]

We're all screwed.

Hey. Do I have kettle corn in my teeth?

Sweet. Thanks.

[ camera shutter clicks ] just to be clear,

You're gonna airbrush this

So I have a big ol' fat ass, right?

Mom!

What's with the face?

I thought you were being positive today.

Oh, I'm positive. Real positive...

That we're all [bleep]!

The entire boardwalk's about to get wiped out

By a tsunami!

You see that huge-ass wave, team good vibes?!

Dear god.

Run!!

Hey! You need to pay for these!

This is why we should get the money up front!

I can't believe you got assistant manager over me.

[ chuckles nervously ] boss! I didn't see you there!

[ laughter ] run for your lives!

Tsunami!

[slurring] ladies! You can relax.

We can relax because we were wrong about the tsunami?

No, no, no, no. One's definitely coming.

The super-low tide is a dead giveaway.

You can relax because when the warning signs

Are this obvious, it's too late to get away.

There's no outrunning it at this point.

My advice?

Use what little time you have left

Saying goodbye to the ones you love.

Am I one of those people...?

[ wave roaring ]

Honey, we have horrible news!

Ha! The day I've had,

You don't even know what horrible news is.

A tsunami's about to take out the boardwalk,

And it's too late to get away.

We're goners.

That'll short out these machines, right?

Wipe out all the scores?

Yeah, I mean, it'll wipe out

Everything and everyone on this boardwalk.

Including that kid.

And we'd all die tied at zero.

If it's god's will, it's god's will.

Who am I to question it?

Stan: See ya in purgatory, bitch ass.

[ wave roaring ]

And we're all doomed.

[ gasps ] this isn't fair!

We should have so much more time together!

I know, sweetie.

It's not supposed to happen this way!

You're supposed to outlive me...

And sing "candle in the wind" at my funeral!

You're not going out like this!

This is my will. Give it to whoever finds you.

You get it all... Son.

Raising you today has been the greatest honor of my life.

[ wave roaring ]

I'm sorry. I never should've attacked you

For being negative or asked you not to be yourself.

Turns out you have pretty good survival instincts.

Thanks, mom. It's just...

My time on the boardwalk 20 years ago

Was the best weekend of my life!

Wait. This was all based on one weekend?!

Geez. Sorry I didn't live at the beach.

I'm not a starfish.

Anyway, maybe I need to be more selective

In calling out problems.

But they do come along,

And if you don't see them, you can't find solutions.

And we've got a big problem...

And zero solutions.

[ muffled shouts ] babe?! What happened?

Actually, we don't have time.

Tell me later when we're drowning to death.

[ grunting ] [ muffled shouts ]

Wow! This taffy won't budge!

[ muffled shouts ]

[ all grunting ]

This stuff's strong!

[ wave roaring ]

Problem...Solution!

Keep pulling.

We're gonna stretch this all the way down the boardwalk

And make a delicious barrier!

[ all grunting ]

This'll take forever!

Need a hand...From pro wrestling illustrated's

"most inspirational wrestler" of 1994?!

[ bret hart grunting ]

[ all grunting ]

[ indistinct shouting ]

[ wave roaring ]

Check out all those empty tables!

Finally we catch a break!

Shall we?

Ahh! The promised land!

I feel so important!

I'm sorry.

We're actually gonna be needing that table.

What?! Everyone left!

And this place is about to be driftwood!

Yeah, but we're expecting a big group

Between now and then, so...

You're welcome to keep waiting at the bar,

Or run for your lives...

Oh, you'd just love that, wouldn't you?!

You've been trying to shake us all day!

But you must have us confused for some suckers!

So we'll be waiting out the incoming tsunami at the bar,

Thank you very much.

And we will be checking back in with you

If either of us survive.

I know you don't want to hear this right now, but...

I did bring my wallet.

[ wave roaring ]

[ creaking ] how sure are you

This thing will actually work, hayley?!

Not at all! But how about some good vibes, mom?!

[ wave roaring ]

♪♪

[ creaking ]

♪♪

It worked! Hallelujah!

Oh, no! My skee-ball problem!

Saving hundreds of lives? Great vibes, hayles.

Thanks, mom.

Noah! My baby! There you are!

Thanks for keeping an eye on him.

His dad forgot he had softball this afternoon.

High-school softball. He watches it.

What a day we had, noah!

But it's time to go back to your family.

I'll always cherish our time together.

Hey, creep! Stay away from my kid!

You'll always be in my heart, noah!

Let's get the hell out of here.

Francine: What about jeff?

Hayley: Eh, seagulls are back. They're on it.

[ seagulls crying ] [ muffled shouting ]

♪♪

[ speaking french ]

[ wave roaring ]

[ ominous music plays ]

Bye! Have a beautiful time!