Original subtitles

♪♪

And everyone was killed? All but three.

And their alibi is... Very, very dumb.

They're in love!

Hey! Don't do that!

I don't think that guy even works here.

[ sighing ] happens all the time.

Weirdos show up and try to make the corpses touch

And kiss and stuff.

[ chuckles ]

I get it.

[ wind rushing ]

Customer dave: That's not enough mustard!

-Give me the bathroom key! -More olives!

You smell like mayonnaise.

-You suck! -Give me the bathroom key!

-Make me a new one! -You don't have eggs benedict?!

-You're nothing! -You're nothing!

You're nothing!

[ sighs ]

[ mustard splurting ]

♪♪

♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ good -- ♪ ♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

♪♪

Hooo, 'nother rough one at subhub.

Pretty rough one here, too.

Emily's dad's sick. She might have to leave paris.

God, I wish I was rich

So you wouldn't have to work for the both of us.

I would spoil you.

Ah, nothing a little shower-cry can't fix.

You know, one of my personas has a suite

At the amazing brown lotus resort up in langleytano

That she's not going to use.

It's non-refundable.

You guys could use it for a little stay-cay --

All expenses paid.

All expenses paid?!

We can pretend I paid for it.

Maybe I could use a good spoiling.

Yes! Yes!

Let's go to the fancy hotel!

Both: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

I know this is your guys' thing,

But I can still be excited.

Bad news, the antarctica snafu

Isn't flying under the radar like we'd hoped.

In fact, it's very much on congress's radar,

And they have cut our funding!

[ all gasp ]

We've lost our jets, foreign agents,

And if we're not careful...

Omelette bar.

[ gasps ]

♪ someone's in the kitchen with dinah ♪

♪ someone's in the kitchen, I know ♪

♪ someone's in the kitchen with dinah ♪

♪ strummin' on the ol' banjo ♪

Can't lose him!

He's the only omelette chef we've had who could do that!

He's a generational talent!

But these are desperate times,

And that calls for desperate measures.

That's why...

We're going to do a rebrand!

The cia is currently the least favorable thing in the city.

We're even below all this stuff!

We're even below that guy

That walks around town throwing eggs at people?

Oh, man, I hate that guy!

Yeah, this is bad.

We're even below him.

But we found the most beloved thing in the city is --

Some of you should have guessed by now --

Cakes!

Which gave me an idea:

What if the "c" in cia now stood for "cakes"

And not...Whatever it used to stand for?

We're going to bake and sell cakes?

Yes! Great idea, smith!

We could bake them ourselves!

That would save us tons of money!

We'll win the public's trust back yet!

For the cia!

The cake...

I...

A.

♪♪

Wow! Langleytano is so beautiful!

Jeff: Wow, I've never seen this part of langley before.

I didn't even know it existed.

Well, langley has some of the most diverse biomes

Anywhere in the world.

From our dazzling crystal-filled caves

And dramatic limestone canyons,

To our vast and foreboding tundras.

Oh, wow!

But what did what you said mean?

♪♪

♪♪

You deserve this, babe.

And here is the bellman with your...

One bag?

You two share a bag?

That's all her stuff.

She's the one being spoiled.

I'll be perusing the lost and found.

What's that?

There is legend of a village boy

That wanted to run faster than all the other boys,

So he stole the face of a wolf,

Thinking it would help him run like one.

But being a wolf was unnatural for the boy and made him go mad.

He howled and howled before finally

Throwing himself off the cliff.

They say the mercurial winds of langleytano are his howls,

And if you listen too closely,

They will make you go mad, as well. [ wind whistles ]

[ shutters slam ] [ hayley and jeff gasp ]

There they are!

The mercurial winds of langleytano.

Very mercurial.

Cool story, man,

But I'm ready for you to leave.

Oh.

Okay! Let the pampering begin.

We can do anything you want.

You know what I want inside me right now?

Starts with a d...

Ends with an "aiquiri."

♪♪

Ahh, this is way easier than sex.

Roger: Excuse me! Can I get a little help?!

I overbleached my tush-hole at the salon

And need to tan it back to the color I was aiming for.

If you could move my thong to the side --

I didn't say gently! --

And hold my cheeks apart... Gentlyyy.

That's it. Now look away.

I don't want anyone to see my hole this color!

Heyyyy! Buongiorno, bitches!

I thought you gave us your room.

What are you doing here, roger?

Rocherro ferrero's the name --

Super-rich pudding heiress.

Your room was actually the room

My assistant was supposed to use.

But now she's in this big ol' urn.

She died? Yep.

Worked herself to death.

I'm gonna spread her ashes on the Sunday afternoon cruise.

Crazy she died just days before our trip.

This was one of my favorite places to make her work nonstop.

Hey, ya lazy slugs!

Get us a round of loaded bloodies

Or everyone here is fired!

You know the way I like 'em!

Move, move!

You don't have to be such an asshole.

This is exactly what I have to deal with at subhub.

Oh, I'm not really a jerk.

I just do it to get good service and extra stuff.

Most rich people are this way.

They're really good people,

You just have to get to know them

And also be rich.

Yeah, but you don't have to be rude to get good service.

Uhhh, yes, you do. Rude get results.

That's why they both start with "r."

Thank you, slugs!

I'd like to see you get something as crazy-cool

As these loaded bloodies with kindness.

Okay! Excuse me, could I get...

Spiked orange juliuses...

Served in erlenmeyer flasks...

With tofu meatballs cascading from them?

Please. You're doing great.

Yeah, sorry, we don't have any of that stuff.

Oof. That was very embarrassing for you.

Ugh. This is how I get treated at work.

See, I knew this wasn't a good idea.

Aw, I'm sorry, babe... But...

I need to get some sunscreen! Yeah, that's why!

He's cute as a button.

Where'd you find him?

In a ravine.

[ sighs ] rudes get results.

My wife asked for three orange julias

And she better fricken get them!

What's wrong with you?

Do you have no brain, like a baby?!

Fix this! I'm super rich.

I travel the world in a big balloon!

[ glass shatters ]

Damn, I don't think I could do that again.

Got it!

Please enjoy your strange order,

As well as these complimentary cheese dippers.

Wow. I guess kindness really does work, babe.

And free cheese dippers?!

You really had an effect on them.

See?!

Something's weird here.

Nothing's weird!

People respond to positive reinforcement.

I'll tell you what -- tomorrow, let's you and I

Use all the resort's facilities together

And we'll see who gets better service. In!

I thought we were just going to relax tomorrow.

You saw how well me being nice worked getting those drinks,

Didn't you?

I think this might be just what I need

To restore my faith in humanity.

But what if roger's right?

What if being mean does work better?

Then I don't know, maybe I'll just kill myself.

[ laughing ]

♪♪

Are we waiting for jeff?

He said he's gonna be in the gift shop all day.

Weird time to start a magnet collection.

But it's his vacation, too.

I'm going to show you what it's like

To be truly pampered.

But you got to let the staff know who's boss.

It's all part of the game.

Wrong.

I'm going to show you how I can get everything

You can get and more...

Just by being nice.

[ chuckling ] you don't get the game, hayley.

You don't get the game.

This is empty!

Let's roll!

[ dramatic music plays ]

Hey, turds! We want to get in the hot tub.

But instead of water, we want it to be green tea.

Now!

Could we actually get our massages here in the hot tub

From masseuses in scuba gear, pleaaaase?

No.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, we wanna eat a big meal right here!

All hot and fresh, made by local grandmas!

Move, slugs!

Excuse me, this meal is so good,

But I was wondering, pretty please,

Could we eat this on a cliff overlooking the ocean?

I'm sorry, that's not something we're able to do.

Well done.

♪♪

[ sobbing ]

And now it's time for "grill session,"

Where I grill a local businessperson

Who totally deserves it.

With me tonight is deputy director of the cia,

Avery bullock.

Oh, the pleasure is mine, greg.

Sir, under your watch,

The cia has blown up three foreign embassies,

Two post offices,

And the only cinnabon in antarctica.

People are angry. What do you have to say for yourself?

Well, we've got great news for all the haters!

The "c" in cia now stands for cakes!

Oh, I love cakes!

Are you selling cakes? What kind?

Would you mind if I answered that

In the form of a song? I would not.

♪ big cakes, small cakes, orange cakes too! ♪

♪ call us today, there's a cake for you! ♪

♪ cakes for you, and cakes for me ♪

♪ cakes for two and cakes for three! ♪

Yay! That was so fun!

Okay, everyone go buy the cia's cakes!

Have we cut?

How dare you upstage me with that velvety voice?!

I'm the singer! I'm the star!

Today was impressive, hayley.

That cliffside lunch?

You've got me thinking maybe there is a place

For kindness in this world.

Are you ready to order?

I'll have the adult psghetti meatball.

No, everybody's got to get the branzino.

Mainly because I love saying it -- branzino.

That's what I was thinking.

I'm sorry, we only have one branzino left.

I'm sorry, too,

But if I don't get a plate with branzino on it --

Branzino! -- I will burn this place

And all of its occupants to the ground.

I'm so sorry about her. You're such a good waiter.

Just bring her a big ol' bowl of soup or something.

And bring me the branzino.

You're doing really great, and I like your teeth.

I guess we'll finally see for sure

Whose style reigns supreme.

Oh, shoot. I forgot the sunscreen again.

Doesn't seem too bright in here.

Guess he is sitting closest to the candle.

Stiles, gun it!

Yes! That's it, boys!

The rebrand's a smashing success!

We can drop a ten-tiered chiffon cake into a war zone

From two continents away --

I think we can get a race car cake

To chesterfield park by Friday.

That's another!

Stop everything! I got the big one on the phone!

The tv show "ace of cakes"?! Yeah!

They want us to be on an episode

Where the challenge is cooking 200 cakes to theme!

Uh, one question.

How we going to put sprinkles on 200 cakes at once?

Somebody order a sprinkle blaster?

[ sprinkle blaster fires ] aah!

[ cake pan rattling ]

Tell them we're in! [ all cheering ]

And can someone please take the sprinkle blaster

From dr. Weitzman?

Someone who knows how to use it.

Where's your sunscreen?

Oh, I put it on in the hallway and then...

Ate the bottle.

How does this guy not die all the time?

Adult psghetti meatball for the gentleman.

And now the moment of truth.

A big 'ol bowl of soup for you.

And the branzino.

Maybe kindness does have its perks.

Even if this branzino's a little dry.

This is not the way human nature works!

Something very fishy is going on here,

And it's not the branzino!

Which is a very mild fish!

Aaaah!

I forgot my assistant.

Aaaaah!

I'm questioning everything!

Does kindness really work?

Nooooo!

Dead end? Where the hell am I?!

Nooooo!

Jeff: Look at me when I'm talking to you!

You're the worst waiter ever!

That's jeff!

My wife says her branzino's a little dry.

A little dry?!

That wasn't part of the deal!

I knew it wasn't kindness.

Oh, they're going dowwwwn!

[ wind rushing ]

Daaaamn. That's a crazy angry wind.

♪♪

Well, I guess that branzino incident last night

Settled everything pretty definitively.

The only thing left to do is dump out my assistant.

Told you kindness works.

Not gonna lie, feels pretty good.

Which got me thinking,

Since it works so well,

Surely you could do it one more time.

You know, to really rub my nose in it.

What do you have in mind?

Get the captain to take us to that island...There!

I could get us there by being a big jerk, no problem.

Done it a bunch of times.

Think you could do it with kindness?

I think I'd benefit

From enjoying the ride they have planned.

Don't worry, jeff, I got this.

Oh, captain!

Let me guess, you want to touch the wheel?

Actually, I was wondering,

Since you're such an amazing captain...

Me? ...Could you take us to that island?

To what if the winds kick up island?

I'd love to,

But what if the winds kick up?!

No way, little lady!

Well, just think about it!

Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it,

But I just realized I forgot --

Your sunscreen again? I got you.

Hm, doesn't seem like the boat's going toward the island.

Maybe the power of kindness has run out.

Oh, shoot. I gotta whiz real bad!

The bathrooms are actually the other way.

But you don't have to whiz at all, do you?

You went in the pool before we left, didn't you?

I know everything you've been up to!

You're being a jerk to help hayley!

Oh, no! I've been pushed!

Captain, you take this boat to that island now

Or I'll have you fired!

[ coughs weakly ] I'm rich!

I own a thousand monocles!

Your rich tactics don't work on me!

I only answer to the sea!

[ thunder rumbles ] and the sea is telling me it's time to get back to harbor!

Go back?!

But I have to spread my assistant's ashes!

[ thunder crashing, wind whistling ]

I'm very rich and powerful, I tell you!

I have many sea-doos,

And a chocolate river,

A-and three ghosts that visit me at christmas!

I have all those things, too.

Jeff, what are you doing?!

I'm yelling at the captain to go to the island...

So your kindness can win.

Wait, what?

It's been jeff the whole time!

That's why you got the branzino.

I've been yelling at everyone,

And it's been eating me up inside.

I'm sorry, babe...

Kindness doesn't get you shit.

[ thunder rumbles ]

This time, I'm not asking nicely.

You're taking us to that island!

I'm taking us back!

[ screams ]

The customer is always right!

You smell like mayonnaise!

We don't even sell eggs benedict!

She works at subhub.

And no, you can't get the key to the [bleep] bathroom!

[ howling ]

Give her room! She's got the wind madness!

And the winner of the 200 cake challenge is...

[ drum roll ]

...The cakes-I-a!

[ cheers and applause ]

Agents, I have bad news.

The obamas cancelled

Their 40-person pineapple upside-down cake?

Worse. Terrorists snuck into the capitol

And stole all of congress's cocaine.

They're rightly pissed and want them caught.

So...We got our funding back.

But...What about the cakes?

Back to strictly spy stuff.

All: Noooooo!

Whoa, whoa! This is sensitive equipment!

Who knows what frosting will do!

[ electricity cracking ]

[ explosion ]

[ dramatic music plays ]

These are the mercurial winds of langleytano!

I'm sorry, we're going directly into a storm to die

Because a sub sandwich lady wants us to?!

This isn't how the system is meant to work!

If somebody's going to put everyone's life at risk

For no good reason, it should be a rich person!

All: Hear, hear!

[ all howling ]

Now they've got the wind madness!

Everyone but me!

Why? Why, god?!

It's all I ever wanted!

I know you're upset about the whole

It turning out kindness-can't- get-you-crap deal,

But why are you still trying to get to the island?

Because I want to get what I want, just one time!

Even if it screws everybody!

Very cool answer.

[ pounding on door ]

They're going to break the door down!

Let 'em.

[ howling ]

[ passengers screaming ]

Ohh!

[ thud ]

What am I doing?

[ passengers shouting, howling ]

This way!

♪♪

Well, I guess this is it.

Better release the ashes now!

Marbles?!

And a photo of my assistant flipping me off?!

She's not dead?

Well, she's definitely fired!

And I still need closure!

♪♪

[ all grunting ]

It's a marble storm!

♪♪

[ marbles clattering ]

[ noises quiet ]

Those are some pretty crazy winds.

[ weakly ] very... Mercurial.

[ thud ]

I know it's weird,

But I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time,

Like I got something out of my system.

This weekend was just what I needed.

Thanks, guys.

I'm ready for this vacation to be over so I can relax.

And now the only other issue...

I just worry they're not going to believe us about the marbles.

It's not the best alibi.

In fact, it's not an alibi at all.

It's really just the murder weapon.

Bye-bye! See you soon!

♪♪