Original subtitles

It's the grand opening of langley's first-ever

Grand grocer, and the stars are out!

That's right, greg.

All the city's top elite are in attendance.

Quiet, trish! Mayor garfield's about to speak!

I inaugurate unto this town a most glorious mercantile

That I understand is to be racially integrated?

[ whispers ]

Let's just cut the blasted ribbon already

And let in the kind of despicable work-shy lunkheads

Who attend a grocery store opening.

[ cheers and applause ] gro-cer-y store!

Gro-cer-y store!

♪♪

♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ good -- ♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ good morning, u.S.A.

This place has everything!

It's so smart.

People come to get fish, they see the beautiful fish, right?

They're smelling the big fish smells, listening to

The high-powered sink washing bloody scales

Off the thick forearms of the fish-chopping men.

What are they gonna be? Hungry, right?

"I already wanted fish later,

But now I'm hungry for fish now."

A sushi bar right here? Boom!

It's so smart.

But what if you drop a top- quality piece of yellowtail,

Dripping in wasabi-thickened soy sauce,

Right on your new "life is good" t-shirt?

Oh, no! Boom!

Dry cleaner right there.

It's just so smart.

Hold up, I gotta nab a real quick prescription

At this convenient-as-hell pharmacy.

Boom!

A climbing wall?

Lure a bunch of lean climbers in,

Let them grip around till they're half-mad with hunger,

Then turn them loose in a grocery store?

It's smart, francine, like you've been saying.

I see you're taking liflafluvia.

Let me go over some of the side--

I've taken liflafluvia before.

I get all the side effects, every last one.

Leg bloat, numb fingers, ear closure, memory loss,

Phantom tail, and last but not least, memory loss.

Sounds like it's hard on your body.

What do you take it for? I forget.

Wha?

No [bleep] way!

What are you doing here?

I came to check it out. Us too. Insane.

When are the three of us ever together?

We should get a drink.

Aw, too bad we're in a normal grocery store.

As if!

To the grand grocer!

What was once a korean war memorial

Is now finally something we can use!

Can I say how nice it's been coming here every day

This month with you guys?

Klaus has been all over me about my drinking,

And these mid-morning drinks are really helping me relax.

It's certainly enriched my life.

Just staring at the bank over there has me this close

To opening my first checking account.

It's an odd duck, the grocery store bank.

It's a real bank --

Vault, guard, everything -- but...

Something always made me think it'd be easier to...

Never mind, must be the third midori sour

Before 11:00 a.M. Talking.

Easier to rob? Sure. I've thought that too. You have?

Yeah, I see it.

All the distraction of a grocery store

Gives the robber good cover. Totally agree.

Also, I'm hammered. I need food.

These olive bar olives are mixing nicely in my stomach

With the martini olives.

How would someone rob the bank,

If they were gonna do it?

You know, for banks, protocol during a robbery

Is not to risk human life.

Guards only shoot if they see a weapon.

Huh, so the worst thing to bring to a robbery...

Is a gun.

Give me all the money, or I shoot.

You got a gun? You bet.

Let me see it. Check it.

[ grunting ]

Just terrible. Awful.

You know what isn't awful, though?

The marcona almonds they're putting out

At this olive station.

Holy shit!

Okay, so guns wouldn't work.

The real issue is how to do a robbery

Without being identified.

Well, if there's one thing I know, it's disguises.

Hey, sweets. Long day, am I right?

I'm the new armored truck driver. We've never met.

Here to pick up the cash. I'm new.

Sure, what's the 10-digit code?

No prob, beautiful. That 10-digit code is

I-got-a-gun-here-it-is.

[ grunting ]

Just awful!

That bloodthirsty guard is a big problem.

Wait, where is he? It's 12:15.

That's when they put out the rotisserie chickens,

And he gets one every day.

He gets one every day!

And that's when we'd rob the -- wait, what am I saying?

I'm a lawman! To this day,

I'm hot under the collar about al capone's antics!

You gotta relax, stan. No one is robbing anything.

It's just a simple thought experiment.

Yeah, and here's a thought.

What if you got someone else to rob the bank for you?

What if you got, hear me out, a cake to rob the bank?

[ telephone rings ] they take a lot of orders over the phone

And never seem to give much thought

To what people want written on them.

24-inch sheet cake. The message?

"sorry glen, you are not the father."

You want that delivered, darlin'?

They deliver, huh?

The message?

"you're being robbed.

Give me all your money."

You want cursive or print?

My cursive ain't great.

Time for big baby to get his chicky.

Cake delivery.

Hey, burg-a-lars, where do I put the money?

Smoosh it in the cake? Seems stupid.

We're not stupid! I think I know where the money should go.

Peep this.

Janitorial to kombucha bar.

Then you can call in, access the pa

Without even being in the store.

But you'd need the dial-in code.

It's 1-4-3.

I sawr it.

Oh, wow, so it could go like this...

"this is a robbery.

Put the money in your waste basket,

Then lock yourself in the vault."

Wait a second.

That's 68 letters. You're gonna need a bigger cake.

♪♪

Waste basket full at bank counter.

Janitorial to bank counter, please.

♪♪

Then we'd grab the money from that dumpster

And walk out through the loading dock!

No, there's cameras outside.

Excuse me. Go around me.

No cameras here.

What if we hid the cash in a bag of flour,

Then put it in that reshelving area?

Then it'd go back on the shelves.

And, using a burner phone...

Ooh, burner phone!

...We order an instoshopper to pick it up,

And they deliver the money right to us.

We'll have to be in the bathroom to put the money in the flour,

But the only people doing things on camera would be the baker,

The janitor, the reshelver, and the instoshopper.

And after the instoshopper delivered the cash,

We could change his tip to zero.

Double heist.

Did we think of everything?

Maybe.

Steve: Look, they're not responding

To emails or phone calls for what seems like years.

I think we have to face the very real possibility

That mah mah and baba...

Have died.

Oh, no.

Dye packs.

The tellers put dye packs in with the money.

♪♪

[ tires screech ]

[ cries ]

Where'd they go? Baba!

The dye packs are activated by a battery-powered transmitter.

If the money gets too far from the bank, it explodes.

Try to tamper with a dye pack, it explodes.

How long does the battery last? Top of my head?

504 hours. Three weeks.

So if the money doesn't move, the dye pack won't explode?

What if the dye packs weren't a problem?

What if they were the solution?

Listen, even if we could get away with it,

The cops would still be looking for the money.

But you know the kind of stolen money no one looks for?

Greek...Money?

The kind of money they think they've already found.

I put the real money in the rice.

And in the flour...

Stan: Counterfeit money, counterfeit dye.

♪♪

[ tires screech ]

A rather ingenious plan foiled.

Money destroyed but accounted for.

Case closed.

[ beeping ]

♪♪

And then we'd bring the money here,

To this beautiful nearby hill.

It doesn't have to be in the plan,

But I'd really like it to be.

My only loose end,

And I mean only, is in the three weeks

We'd be waiting, someone will surely buy the rice.

We'd put it in brown rice.

Francine: The perfect plan!

So I think we've all been sleeping pretty badly

This week. I'm sleeping great.

With those bags under your eyes

And your lips looking like sunbaked earthworms?

I don't think so.

If we need someone to say it, I'll say it.

I think we should rob the bank.

Roger, no! Absolutely not.

It was a thought experiment.

There's no point to really robbing the bank.

The plan is the point! It's perfect!

Maybe. Yeah, no. No way! No! Never!

We're not the kind of people that rob banks,

And even though we'd definitely get away with it,

We'd always be haunted by what we'd done.

Would it change your mind if I told you

I've been thinking of us as the three musketeers?

A bank robbed by a cake?

It's crazy but true, as last night at our beloved

Grand grocer, an attempted bank robbery

Began with a demand written in icing

And ended with an unknowing instoshopper covered in dye.

Police say it was an ingenious plan,

But with the money all blasted up and inky,

It looks like these thieves won't get to have their cake

And steal it, too.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Nobody beats the boys in blue.

I can't believe you robbed the bank without me!

But with stan to do the phone and francine

To do the bathroom switch,

It must've been easy to cut ol' roger out!

Technically, one person could have done it all,

With the phone in the bathroom.

Is that how you did it?!

I didn't rob the bank!

Well, I didn't rob the bank!

[ gasps ] that's why no one wanted to do it when I asked!

You'd already done it!

[ gasps ] that's why you asked us to do it!

So we wouldn't think you'd already done it!

[ gasps ] that's why he gave us coffee!

He poisoned the co-- [ gags ]

I didn't poison the coffee.

And I didn't do the robbery.

Me neither. Me neither.

But we all heard the news!

That was the first half of our plan!

Which leaves the second half.

How about we go down to the store right now,

Check the rice section for big bags of cash?

Sounds good to me.

How's it sound to you? To both of you?

♪♪

Nothing.

So you moved it, huh?

Pretty cute, stan and/or francine!

You hid it in the store somewhere,

Just waiting out the dye pack.

Stop acting like it wasn't you!

It's always you!

Unless it was you,

My treacherous queen!

I'm the only one I know isn't lying!

Isn't lying about what?

Isn't lying about... My age!

I'm 17.

So I can't be tried as an adult. Who are you?

Detective turlington. I'm investigating the bank robbery.

Oh, really? And how is that going?

The robbers didn't get the money,

So it's not a high priority.

Makes good sense.

So do you think you have the money?

Be quiet, roger. You'd like that, wouldn't ya, ya snake?

Just saying, not everything's what it seems in this world,

Money being real-wise.

Roger, that was stupid, goading turlington like that!

I'm innocent and I've nothing to fear!

I didn't do it, but we've got a whiteboard

With the perfect plan on it!

And I don't want the cops involved,

Because when I figure out which one of you did this,

I'm gonna whap the top of your foot with a hammer.

I demand to search your things!

I have nothing to hide. You cool with that, stan?

Hella cool. What about you, roger?

Well, yeah. I have lots of things to hide.

I'm a real sick ticket. But I didn't do this!

Search away!

You weren't kidding, roger.

I saw some truly horrifying things.

But nothing to link you to the robbery.

And you two checked out.

Underwear all smells nice and clean.

Is there a possibility that maybe...

None of us did it?

Oh, another team of absolute hottie geniuses

Figured out the same perfect robbery?

Unlikely.

Someone could have overheard us.

I can be a little shout-y.

I miss how it was yesterday, when we were getting along

And not calling each other snakes all the time.

Okay, then let's erase this board in case

Turlington comes poking around.

The three musketeers again!

♪♪

All: A burner phone?

Snakes! Betraying snakes!

[ hisses ]

I'm taking this phone to turlington right now!

How do you like that?! I'm absolutely gaga about it!

It's not my phone, so I like it a lot!

Don't test me! Just come clean now!

This is your last chance, whoever I'm speaking to!

Hot evidence, coming through!

Detective turlington will be with you in just a moment.

[ door closes ]

Oh, someone's hosed.

This phone is full of evidence --

Calls to the bakery and store intercom,

The instoshopper order, videos of us -- wait, what?

Liflafluvia. It'll wipe our memories for this whole day.

If we do the job right now, during this window,

Stan won't be haunted by any pesky guilt,

And none of us will be witnesses to what we did.

Thus turning the perfect heist into...

The perfect heist! The perfect heist!

Alright, stan, you place the cake order, then --

Wait, we almost forgot to take the liflafluvia!

We all robbed the bank?

Oop! Almost forgot the crucial liflafluvia.

That doesn't prove we did it.

It just looks like we're getting high in the basement,

Which is fine and cool.

There's a second video. Goddammit.

We did it! We robbed the bank!

I hear you have evidence?

Yes. A fingerprint.

A fingerprint? Where is it?

It was... On some ice.

But it melted. So...We should go.

You're the people from the rice aisle.

Is eating rice a crime?!

You know, we checked the cash.

Turned out it was fake, as was the dye.

You said something about that, right?

People say a lot of things in the rice aisle, I don't know.

I think the cash is still in the store

And the robbers are waiting for the dye pack battery to run out.

I think, to me, that all sounds like mumbo-jumbo, right?

I mean, what? Total mambo-jambo.

We'll let you get back to your impenetrable forensics,

You everyday hero!

If you're watching this, us, you just pulled it off!

All you have to do is go to grand grocer

To pick up the cash when the battery dies.

We changed our minds on the rice and found a cool

New hiding spot, and that spot is inside the --

Holy smokes, is that a wolf? !

My god. That was so beautiful.

They really are like gorgeous dogs.

I love seeing a wolf after robbing a bank.

We gotta destroy this phone.

Agreed. Then we're free and clear.

Yes, let's. But also...

We should finish the job. No. No way.

It's a miracle we've gotten away with it so far.

It's not a miracle, it's the perfect heist.

And I say, in a few weeks, when the dye pack battery dies,

We go down there, find the hidden money,

And finish this thing.

Turlington knows! He's going to be all over that store. I'm out.

It's over, roger. But we're the three musketeers.

That was never something I agreed to or understood.

That's a candy.

So I'm going to do it myself?

[ siren wailing ]

♪♪

Need some help?

I can't stand the idea of a bank getting its money back.

And I just watched "the three musketeers" with chris o'donnell.

I get it now. He's cute and sexy.

All for one, and one for all.

Ooh, I like that. Who says that?

Is it from something or just you?

♪♪

Let's stay calm.

We just have to get inside our minds

And figure out what we were thinking when we hid the cash.

Let's get it before the cops do.

Oh, also, we need honey mustard pretzel nubbins.

We're out?!

Listen up.

$50,000 is hidden somewhere within the store.

As of right now, the dye pack battery is dead.

I believe the robbers will be back for the money.

We have to catch them or find it first.

Ideally, both.

Now, you guys have a reputation for being the worst cops in the country.

But I'm confident you're going to serve this force

With distinction, bravery, and --

Because we're cops, can we eat anything in the store for free?

No. What if we search something

And now it's opened? They can't sell it, right?

We could eat it then.

"cheddar" is slang for money.

Is the money, like, pushed into some cheese?

In the video, we said it was a cool new hiding spot.

Is there somewhere food is kept cool?

Not the rotisserie chickens, those are hot.

Let's eat two each, see if we get any ideas.

The freezer section! That's cool!

Think the money could be in here?

In the big rubber ball thing?

Yeah. Underneath the balls?

Yeah. Oh, that's definitely where it is.

Aah!

These balls are under arrest!

If I know my own brain, it has to be here,

Because these jimmy dean breakfast nuggets

Are money in the bank.

Tamales! Like the saying, "thassa lotta tamales!"

Whoa, these tamales are a lotta tamales.

This isn't right.

That's it!

The triceratops!

Three horns, one horn per friend!

It's empty.

But you're on to something.

The hiding place could be about us, our friendship.

Gold top nuts? The best.

But the can's too small.

Nuts. Nuts.

Marcona almonds!

They're in the olive bar,

But they also carry a big tub of them

That's so expensive, no one could ever buy it!

The almonds. That might actually be it!

And they're over there. Look at the brand name!

Un heisti di perfetto!

I don't speak much italian,

And I don't even think that is italian,

But I think we just found the cash.

Now, let's get out of here.

If it isn't the rice aisle gang.

I know what you're doing here.

Whatever are you talking about?

Oh, like you don't know...

That someone hid $50,000 somewhere in this store?

Why am I loud? Do I sound loud to you?

Money riot!

I need that money because I want it!

No, no, no, no, no!

Are you in there, money?

[ explosion ]

I have to deal with this fireball.

Don 't you dare use this fireball

As an opportunity to escape my questioning.

[ people screaming ]

♪ this money's tearing us apart ♪

[ tires screech ] stan: This is it.

The perfect end to the perfect heist.

And once again, gang, sorry for dropping the almond tub

All the way down the hill so many times.

Busted! If you don't mind?

And here it is, at long last, 50,000...

Almonds?

What?! I mean, of course.

Uh, yeah, what'd you think you were going to find?

The missing paintings of the isabella stewart gardner museum?

[ laughs ] by the way, store's on fire!

[ people screaming ]

My keys are in there!

So...

We didn't find it.

But it looks like no one else will, either.

And we'll always have the wonderful memory

Of nearly pulling off the perf-- what's this?

Dammit! We took this again?

Well, we didn't find the money,

And we won't remember the heist, but...

I don't know.

At least we destroyed the grocery store?

We loved that grocery store.

We sure did.

♪♪

[ screaming ]

♪♪

Bye! Have a beautiful time!